Original subtitles

You are an obsession. I cannot sleep.

I am your possession. Unopened at your feet.

There's no balance, no equality.

Be still, I will not accept defeat.

I will have you, Yes I will have you.

I will find a way and I will have you.

Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly.

I will collect you and capture you.

I don't think this is goth night.

This place sucks!

Indeed!

Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?

I'm going to the bathroom.

There's an idea for a poem I want to write!

Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?

Hey! Watch it, fat ass!

#I need you, I need you, by sun or candlelight

You protest. You want to leave

Stay. There's no alternative

Your face appears again. I see your beauty there

But I see danger, stranger beware.

A circumstance in your naked dreams.

Your affection is not what it seems.

You are an obsession. You're my obsession.

What do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?

You are an obsession. You're my obsession.

What do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?

I want to leave, I don't belong here.

It's fun cause we're together.

No it's not!

What's with that solid gold dancer with his ass in the air?

The dazzle dancer?

Yeah, why don't you guys get married!

I don't even know if he's gay.

He's got like frosted hair.

George Michael has frosted hair and he's like totally straight.

Adam, you're 21, you're like almost 30.

You need to more aggressive.

What do I say?

Just be yourself.

What's that?

Tell him you liked his dancing.

Oh my God, yeah, that F.I.T. Fag in training was there...

and of course Keith was there.

Let Carrie tell the story, she tells it so much better than you.

I'm standing there talking to Keith Herring and this guy...

starts comparing him to Warhol.

It was so embarrassing.

He hates those comparisons, you know.

God, it's so tragic.

Well I guess Bela Lugosi ain't dead after all.

He is dead, people like you killed him.

Oh, chill out.

- Oh. - How did it go?

Oh God, I'm such a loser.

You are not, would I be friends with a loser?

Hey!

Sorry about my friend Carrie.

I'm Maura Bid and this is Rex Havoc.

Cool look, Rex.

Yeah, my last boyfriend was a goth,

are all of you as wild and nasty as he was?

The night decrees its own appreciations for some mortals...

treading the river Styx.

So you don't like to dance?

Not to this music.

Yeah, well it is Danceateria.

Yeah, more like Danceaqueeria.

What is that, is that like a rib?

Yeah, you want one?

Na, na, I don't have much of an appetite if you catch my drift.

Hey, you all want a bump?

The bump?

We're goths, we don't dance, we're dead.

No, no, a bump of coke.

Drugs?

Look at me, look at me.

Whew! Whoa!

I am so sorry.

It's alright, at least it's not the same one as last time.

Hey, Rex.

Oh my God,

he totally looks like the guy from the Ah-Ha video!

Well, he can 'Take On Me' anytime.

Do you think he still has some cocaine?

Oh my God, you're like totally addicted after like one bump!

No, I'm not.

It was fun, it wasn't like I thought it would be.

Well it gave me the total Hershey squirts.

I hear they cut it with baby laxatives.

Well, you said you wanted to lose some weight.

Hi.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, just my wrist.

Where do you live?

Brooklyn.

Me too, me too.

Sun's coming up, you want to watch it...

from the Brooklyn Bridge?

Well I can't just leave my friend Rhonda.

Good night.

- Good luck. - Stop it!

So?

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, I go to A.M.D.A., you know that theatre school uptown.

We're doing The Sound of Music,

I'm up for the part of the Captain.

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood.

Wow.

Perhaps I had a miserable youth...

Someday I'm going to dance on Broadway.

Watch this...

Ew!

Well, don't give up you've obviously got a huge talent.

Whew!

Oh my God, just kidding.

Give it here.

Hey, you know somehow I feel like...

I've known you my whole life.

Really, it's not just the drugs?

Oh no, this is way bigger than drugs.

Oh my God, I know.

When I saw you dancing up there,

I knew you were the one.

I knew I was the one too.

Where have you been my whole life?

I've been looking for you.

Here I am.

This is so fun.

I love you.

I love you too.

What's your name again?

Watch this.

Wow!

Oh good, more cocaine.

You have such an awesome body, do you like exercise and stuff?

Yeah, I think I'm the only gay guy...

in the whole world that works out.

Hey, what's that muscle called on your arm?

Huh?

Here?

Tricep.

What about those, those ones.

Pecs.

Yeah, like that?

Lats...

Abs, quads, gluts...

Oh my God I'm like the luckiest guy in the

whole world right now.

You are so f'ing hot.

Bicep.

Whoa...

Puppy don't look.

You are an obsession. I cannot sleep.

I am your possession. Unopened at your feet.

There's no balance, no equality.

#Be still, I will not accept defeat.

Sorry, sorry.

Yes I will have you.

I will find a way and I will have...

Hey.

I thought you left.

Oh, no I just came up for some fresh air.

But if you can't beat them join them right?

Can I have a hit of that?

Isn't this retro music awesome?

It reminds me of slumber parties in grade school.

Wow!

Somebody needs a drink!

No, no, I'm straight, sober.

Really?

Wow.

I would hate to be sober, that sucks ass.

I don't see why sober people still get to smoke.

Nicotine is such a drug.

Yeah, but nicotine doesn't make me wander through gay bars...

pinching my nipples and moaning, "pick me, pick me" to hot guys.

Wow.

Sounds like you did a lot of coke or crystal or crack.

And now you're an AA.

But you don't go to crack meetings because they're too...

hard core and you're just a nice Jewish boy at heart who can only...

let lose when he's fucked up.

You have a lot of guilt which is why you need chemicals...

to squelch your conscious.

You realize you just said all that out loud, right?

Oh, I'm studying acting so I pick up on...

people's personalities, you know?

Guys think they're so mysterious,

but most are just really transparent.

Well I appreciate the completely superficial deconstruction...

of my character but I think I'm a little more...

complex than you think.

Hi everybody.

My name is Mary and I used to be a bipolar crack addict.

But now I'm just bipolar.

Yeah!

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the midnight...

whip that crack fellowship.

This is a crack meeting, tonight's topic is crack.

Okay.

Ah...

Happy birthday.

Yeah, hello!

Hey honey, just calling to wish you know who a happy Bert-day.

Well I'd put him on the phone but he's in a cake hole.

I should be reported to the Humane Society.

Oh please, I've eaten more than that in one sitting.

Remember my sister's wedding, she's still mad

she didn't get a piece.

Right.

And besides one of the many advantages of being a dog...

is that get to eat like a pig.

Hey, fatso, ready to go on?

Speaking of pigs, Lou just propositioned me again.

Hey, hey everybody having a good time?

Let me hear you say 'yeah'!

All right.

Oh, I'm hanging by a thread here the audiences have been really...

tough and I'm sweating like Whitney Houston...

going though customs.

Uh...

Maybe you might want to, you know,

come up with some new material,

you know, since you lost the weight.

What are you talking about?

Help me Rhonda, yeah, get her out of my pants.

Thank you.

Oh shit, he's singing a song.

Ladies and gentlemen Rhonda Gernon...

and her fabulous fun bags.

Whew!

I know what you're thinking.

Doesn't she have a pretty face?

And what a personality!

If only I didn't get my dresses made by Omar the tent maker.

I'm so fat, I eat with a forklift.

I'm so fat, when I back up, my ass beeps.

Fashioned from actual ceramic chips...

recovered at Ground Zero.

This commemorative plate will make a fitting addition to...

your other 9/11 collectibles.

Featuring an American bald eagle, look at her there

- In all her majestic glory - Oh my God.

With a gorgeous single cubic zirconia tear...

running down her furrowed face.

Look at that, now...

Oh!

Geez!

Somebody...

Help!

Help me!

Oh my God, somebody help me!

Sir, animals are not allowed here,

hospital policy.

What do you mean 'hospital policy'?!

You are going to have to keep your voice down sir.

Now there is a very good animal hospital over on First Avenue.

I'm not on First Avenue, I'm on Tenth Avenue and there are...

doctors here, medical equipment, and he has a heart and brain...

and lungs just like a normal person.

Sir, please come with me.

There was an accident, I stabbed him.

I stabbed him accidentally.

Hello.

We have another dog stabber down here.

Sir the hospitals doesn't admit animals, we have told you.

This is not an animal, this is my child.

I'm a single gay man in New York, don't you understand?!

Rob, Rob, it's okay. It's okay.

Sir, bring the dog on back, okay.

Thank you.

At least there is still one caring person...

left in the medical establishment.

Sir.

What is this National Freak Day?

We've got a lady yelling at her vagina out there.

Ah, the pictures are back.

The dog has a bruised rib which was...

I'm sorry I can't hear you.

Oh, sorry.

X-rays, yeah your dog has a bruised rib which the knife...

must have grazed while it entered.

See there's a little clouding in the abdomen region which...

we'd expect in a puncture wound.

Is he bleeding internally?

Yeah, a little, but you know nothing life threatening.

Oh thank you, thank you so much.

I can't thank you enough for helping us.

Quite all right.

You want to go see him now?

- Yeah. - Right this way.

Hi, oh...

You know I have to say that his fat protected him...

from the knife, although in the long run...

you might want to put him on a diet.

Oh, yeah, I don't know why he's so fat.

- I'm Adam, by the way. - Oh, I'm Doctor Hicks, Steven.

Are you a veterinarian?

Actually I'm a shrink, I do outpatient...

mental health services here.

I went to medical school, I was going to be a veterinarian,

I actually love animals.

Why didn't you?

I couldn't stand the idea of dealing with neurotic...

pet owners on a daily basis.

Oh, sorry.

It's okay.

It is sad how people attribute human qualities to animals...

instead of just eating their flesh or wearing their fur.

So Adam, let's talk about you now.

Me?

You want to tell me what drove you to stab your dog?

Oh, it was an accident.

Look I love this dog more than I love myself.

I know it sounds dumb, but I'm not crazy.

I know you're not crazy.

You know actually it's refreshing to meet somebody who

loves someone or something that much.

Oh.

Hey, greetings gay doctor roommate!

Tough day at the 'orifice'?

A woman who thinks God speaks through her vagina.

Oh, wait, Polly?

Oh no...

no please.

Blond, thirties, five-eight.

You had sex with a homeless woman?

It was kind of sweet actually,

it's not the way you make it sound.

For God's sake.

We actually cuddled a lot, it was very intimate.

Yeah, well she was probably cold.

You know homeless people have needs.

You know they need love like other folks.

I helped her, I provided a service for her actually,

you know for five minutes her vagina stopped talking to her.

Michael I'm going to take a shower for both of us.

Well, your mother would be happy, marrying a doctor.

- Is he Jewish? - I don't think so.

Whatever, I'll never see him again unless I go insane.

Adam, we're like in our thirties, we're almost 40,

you need to be more aggressive.

Why don't you go back to the hospital?

- No! - Why not?

He already thinks I'm a crazy pet person.

You're the only person I know that showers before the gym.

Well, I need to blow off some steam.

- Among other things. - Uh-huh, that's right.

God, you gay guys are so lucky.

You get to connect and make love...

to someone different every night.

Yeah.

If women were as promiscuous as you there'd be like

orgies in the street.

Thanks to you there already are.

Oh no, I brought her back here.

Well, have fun having gay, anonymous sex...

in the low self esteem room.

Thanks.

Hey, you're hot, I wish I had your body,

but like with my face.

I wish you did too.

God, don't you just love this gym it feels so good to sweat

out the tina, you know what I mean?

Actually I don't, I don't use drugs and neither should you.

Ew!

It sounds like somebody had a bad experience with drugs.

Excuse me?

No, it's okay, I'm just really observant.

I notice things that other guys might not.

Is that so?

Yeah.

I'm going to be an actor so I pick up...

on people's personalities.

You don't do drugs because you have...

what they call... 'control issues'.

You're like totally afraid to be out of control of your body...

or let someone see you in a less than perfect light.

You're really afraid of letting your hair down,

unless it has to do with sex,

and then you can completely cut lose and...

Hey!

Sorry, sorry.

Ew!

Dogs are so gross!

How can someone love something that shits...

right in front of them?

Excuse me,

could you eat any of these birds if you had to?

You know, like if terrorists poisoned the food supply.

Oh look everyone, we have a duck in flight directly above us.

Oh my God! Quick, somebody call 911!

Long live the NRA!

I am so sorry, this usually doesn't happen.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, I just bruised a rib.

Oh my God, it is you. It's you the dog guy.

- Hi. - Hey.

Wow. What a coincidence.

How is your dog, speaking of bruised ribs?

He's all better.

He pees on the floor sometimes, or is that me?

So what do you do,

like bird watching tours around here?

Yeah, you thought you were the only one to deal with crazies.

That was actually pretty heroic of you,

you know, tackling that guy, getting all dirty.

Oh well, it was heroic of you to save my dog...

and I don't mind you getting dirty.

Oh, I know.

You know, I'm really sorry, I was such a mess at the hospital.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Here, let me do something.

Wait a minute, come here.

It's all right, just... here.

Here, look at me.

There, that's better.

So listen, I'm going to be an aggressive type person here...

and, uh, take you out to dinner some time.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

- No, I want to. - Really, it's fine.

- No, I want to. - Really, it's okay.

- Really, I want to. - Really, it's fine.

- But I want to. - It's all right.

I'd kind of like to.

Oh, I don't know, it's fine.

But I'd like to.

Really you should...

I know... let me ask you out to dinner.

No, that's okay.

No, I'm serious I want to.

No, you don't have to.

But I want to.

I'm flattered but...

No, really come on I want to.

Listen, I should take you out to dinner to thank you...

for what you did for Burt.

Oh...

if it's just about your dog, I mean,

you know, it's really not necessary.

If you're asking me on a date, like a romantic type thing,

you know then I would maybe have to say yes to such...

an aggressive type person.

Well it just so happens to be a romantic date type thing,

so yeah, that's right.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay, yeah good.

Um.

Wow.

How about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night's great, where?

Uh...

how about right here in the park, you know the bath house.

The Boat House?

Um, I know, Sona. Sona on 6th at 6.

Yeah, okay, great.

- Good. - All right.

Okay, well I'll see you there.

- Okay. - Okay.

- All right. - Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Will you chill out, you sound like a jealous wife.

Well you know you're going to have to change your whole

lifestyle, you know.

He's got a dog, you're going to have to hide all the knives.

Michael, it's just a date, okay.

Look, I'm 36 years old, maybe I'm tired of one hot...

sexual encounter after another.

Maybe I want to find out what it's like to have okay sex...

with the same person on a regular basis.

I'm very disappointed in you, Steve.

Obviously you're not the person that I thought you were.

Michael, I can still see you.

Okay, one apple martini, diet coke.

You, uh, you don't drink?

No, I'm on antibiotics.

Anything... communicable?

Oh, no, no, nothing communicable.

No, it's been awhile since I've communicated with anyone.

You mean since uh, since you've had sex?

How long?

Oh, you know, I don't know...

not that long, like six months.

Wow.

Although I did meet this one guy on the phone sex line who came over,

but he lied about what he looked like, you know.

When he showed up he was like 20 years older...

and 50 pounds heavier than he said... and short.

Well he was a dwarf, or a midget, I get them confused.

Yeah.

He had crossed eyes and burns on his face.

No ears.

I think he might have been born with a hair lip,

but that could have been from the fire, you know.

Yeah.

I don't think he should have lied about those things, you know?

No.

I told him that too right after we had sex.

Thank you.

You know I have to tell you I don't go on dates very often.

But you know ever since I saw you at the E.R.,

you seem familiar some how?

Hmm.

Did you grow up on Long Island?

Uh-uh.

- Texas. - You don't have an accent.

Where did you go to college?

I went to NYU briefly but it didn't work out.

I don't know, I guess it's just one of those things, huh?

Oh, well I was in a porn movie once, maybe you saw it.

Really?

No.

Okay.

Really?

No.

No, no.

No.

So you're an ornithologist?

No, I just watch birds for a living.

Yeah, business can be slow in the winter,

but it's a steady paycheck and I'm trying to keep it simple...

right now.

Keep it simple?

Yeah.

Listen, I don't have an infection.

I'm in recovery and part of that is being honest about that.

Good for you, Adam. Good for you.

Listen I deal with a lot of people...

who have addictive personalities.

Hey, wake up, it's not over till the fat lady sings...

and I ain't sung yet.

Boy, tough crowd.

Remember ladies and gentlemen, if you throw any...

wilted vegetables I will simply eat them.

Although pork ribs are my favorite,

feel free to throw those.

Isn't it funny how the more ribs you eat...

the less you can see of your own?

You know, I know her, I think.

Are those chocolate covered crickets I hear in the audience?

- Yeah. - She was funny.

Well you're sweet to say that but really she wasn't.

Ah, thanks for coming.

Yeah.

Ah, what a shitty audience, right?

This is Steve.

Oh, the doctor with the heart of gold, nice to meet you.

I know you, right, don't I?

Well, I was just on stage.

Wait a minute.

Oh my God.

Marie's... Marie's Crisis.

- You're the cocktail waitress... - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I work there on weekends, this place doesn't really pay,

so...

Right, I guess you don't recognize me.

I'm too self absorbed to notice other people.

I'm sorry did you say something?

Okay.

Excuse me I'm going to take care of some business.

Okay.

He's so cute.

I know, I know he's so cute and we've been...

having like the best time.

Like the more I talk to him the more it's like I've known him...

my whole life.

Past lives.

Yeah.

You're about as funny as a heart attack.

Oh, thanks dad!

Okay, well here I am.

Oh.

What!

Well aren't you worried about getting gay bashed or yelled at?

No!

No, my God nothing like that's ever happened to me.

Yeah, it's just like every time I expressed affection in public...

some asshole from Jersey throws a beer bottle at me.

Wow.

Sounds like you've had really bad luck.

Oh... Burt, Burt, Burt, look at you.

Give me five! Hey!

Look at you, you're all better now.

Oh!

Did you come?

No, I think your dog is licking my foot.

Oh.

Burt, go to your bed, go!

I'm sorry.

I don't think he understands what's happening to his daddy.

Do you understand what's happening to his daddy?

No.

- Yes, yeah. - Come here.

Bells will ring, and angels sing.

there's something in the air.

Cupid brings the start of spring,

with something to declare.

And now it's love, love, love...

So delightfully, it's love, love, love, love, love.

Romeo was smitten, Aphrodite bitten.

Juliet was reeling, now I know the feeling.

My heart's palpatatin', hyperventilatin',

#from the kissing and the smackin', aphrodisiacking.

I'm in love, love, love.

What a gas to be in love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love, love, like it has to be,

in love, love, love, love, love.

Who'd of thought that you and me'd be talking L-O-V-E?

You can guarantee that we both agree.

I know it seems askew,

and relatively new to me, you'll say I do

because we're both in love, love, love.

What a gas to be in love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love, love, like it has to be

in love, love, love, love, love.

Two ships in the night,

became a cruise ship of delight,

on an ocean of anomoniquity.

The owl is on the prowl

and though the pussycat did scowl.

She winked her eye and said come sail with me.

And then it's love, love, love.

So delightfully it's love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love, love it's so right for me

in love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love.

Love, love, love...

You know I actually wanted to be a dancer at one point.

Really?

I was a theatre major, couldn't deal with Bohemia,

such a messy lifestyle, very, very messy.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

When was your last relationship?

Um, by relationship what exactly do you mean?

Your last boyfriend, lover, homosexual lifetime...

commitment partner companion?

I've never really had a long term one.

No one's really held my interest for that long, you know?

Great.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute, now.

You know when I was a kid I figured I'd grow up,

meet a nice guy, have a big wedding.

It all had to be a certain way, you know.

Like in the movies I'd seen.

Yeah, me too.

You know, I'd always watch those movies and I'd superimpose...

myself over the man and then the woman,

you know, I'd go back and forth.

Like in one scene I'd be Julia Roberts and then in the next...

scene I'd be, you know like Julia Roberts.

Really?

I'm Meg Ryan.

Hi Meg.

Yeah, you're blonde.

Ah, Julia come on.

Hey, you ever gone gay two stepping over...

at the Big Apple Rodeo in Midtown?

Two stepping, no I can barely one step.

What do you wear to something like that?

Oh my God, it's ho-down.

All right come here, come here, come here.

I don't know how to do this.

Relax, okay, it's really easy.

All you do, okay look at this, you go, quick quick step, step.

Quick, quick step, step, exactly.

It's just a repetition of the same move except we're...

going to be going that way, all right?

- Okay. - Ready, here we go.

And quick, quick step. Good.

Quick, quick, exactly.

Ow!

I'm sorry, oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay, sorry, let's keep going all right?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's all right, look you'll get the hang of it, all right.

Let's just keep going, here we go.

Here we go, and quick, quick step.

Good.

That's good.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, Andy.

This is uh... Adam.

Looks like someone's having a little bit of trouble here.

Yeah, well I'm Jewish, you know give me a bottle dance...

and I'm fine.

Well, I teach private lessons, so if you ever want to take it...

seriously at all, you just let me know.

Actually, Andy is a really great instructor.

Not that you ever needed any instructing.

Your dancing's not bad either.

Shalom cowboy...

Oh my God, I'm terrible at this.

No, you just started, now come on, try and relax.

All right, here we go.

Now, this is much better.

This is just like any slow song.

That's right, except in heels.

I tried to be a good dancer once.

What happened?

Have you ever been to a sober dance?

I hate to point this out but dancing is 90% beer.

What about dirty dancing?

Wow, you're in a mood.

You're like a different person tonight.

Well, I'm happy. I'm dating someone.

That guy Andy is really hot.

I guess.

But uh... he's not my boyfriend.

You are.

Never did I know I'd feel the way I do.

You changed my life in so many ways.

And the moment that we kissed, you showed me...

You sure he said boyfriend?

He didn't say, boy do I need a friend?

Yeah, I don't know what to say to him.

You know I look at him sometimes and I have these feelings like...

I cherish him, but then I always feel like I'm waiting...

for the other shoe to drop like it always has.

He seems to be moving awfully fast for a psychiatrist.

I mean the whole idea of this romantic myth stuff is a recipe...

for disaster, he's a shrink, he should know this.

Yeah, he is a shrink.

I think he knows more about this stuff than us.

He has a degree, we just have Oprah.

Oprah has made it impossible for me to have a close...

relationship with anyone, besides Oprah.

He's so normal and I'm just, I'm such a freak.

We're really different.

I think that's good.

The thing about you gay guys is that you're just obsessed...

with finding carbon copies of yourself.

At least with guys and girls we know we'll never figure...

each other out so we just say, "Oh, he's just being a man"

or "Oh, she's just on the rag."

I guess.

Have you had a fight yet?

No.

Is that weird?

Well you do have some things in common,

he 'two-steps' and you 'twelve-step'.

You know maybe your comedy is like my love life.

You know if you stop trying so hard it will come, you know?

But fat jokes are my forte and being fat is the only...

funny thing that ever happened to me.

It's the only... thing some idiot off the street...

would find interesting about me.

Who are these for?

My friends Jeff and Jeff are bringing their new foster child.

Ah, kids.

I saw some of those on TV once.

Ever think about having kids?

No, I already have one, myself.

I love children.

I can't imagine anybody not loving kids.

Would you stop it?

Come here.

Hello.

Hi!

Hi. I'm Michael.

So Steve tells me you used to be fat?

Oh Adam told me you used to be short.

Were you like fat or... circus fat?

You know you really ought to be standing when you insult a lady.

Oh, wait, you already are.

What did you do with all that loose skin,

did you like donate it to a burn unit or something?

No, I gave it to the little people, the real little people,

not the fake little people like you.

Wow.

Cute kid, huh?

Wonder if she's gay.

Look, I just wanted to let you know that I think it's cool...

that you and Steve are hanging out and you know,

doing your gay love thing.

Awe, thanks Michael, that's sweet.

Yeah.

I just, you know before he met you he was such a whore.

Sorry, whore's get paid.

He was a slut.

He used to go to like the gym every night and just go in...

the shower and hook up with like hundreds of guys,

like the hottest guys in New York for the taking.

To be honest with you, I can never really understand...

why he would like give up all that easy lovemaking,

but you know I understand that you,

you know guys want equal rights, so.

Your best friend is cute.

She's kind of a bitch though, right?

Yeah.

What time do your folks get in?

They should be here in about an hour.

Did you put away Michael's porn?

Yeah.

Did you put away Michael?

He's at a three stooges convention at the Javitz Center.

Oh, I hope they like me.

Honey, you'll be fine.

They're the ones that should be worried about what you think,

they're entering our world.

When you're a born again Christian...

your world follows you.

Yeah, but they're not that religious anymore.

Look, I've been out for ten years,

they've had plenty of time to get used to the idea...

that eventually I'd meet somebody, huh?

Ew, Fags!

Welcome to the West Village asshole, better get used to it!

Asshole.

You know, Jesus was a Jew.

That's right, he sure was.

Uh, would anybody care for some wine?

That would be delightful.

Open that box of Zinfandel we brought.

Show him what we bought at the airport.

Now it's not for dinner, it's just for decoration.

It was made from actual ceramic chips recovered from the site.

Here we go.

Mom, dad, here we are.

Don't you want some?

Oh, no I'm an alcoholic.

He's in recovery.

Excuse us for a minute, mom, dad.

I feel like I have a sign under my neck that reads,

"I eat your son's ass".

Look, stop it, just act like you normally do, okay?

We have to show them that there's nothing wrong with being gay.

Look, they're in New York now, not Texas.

Good lordy these windows are so big!

I feel like I could just fall right out.

Not exactly a ton of privacy though is there?

Mom, dad, I just wanted to say that normally Adam and I are...

very affectionate with each other and we don't feel that...

it would be fair to us, or really to you if we behaved in a way...

that somehow demonstrated that we are in any way ashamed...

of our feelings for each other.

I think it's important that we express our normal healthy...

affection for each other in your presence.

Right? And um, um...

Well, I just wanted to say that.

Oh, well.

Don't not be ya'lls usual selves, just cause we're here!

Yes.

We're all grown ups here.

Ew, fags!

So how would a person find curtains for...

a window so big, son?

Well, you know, New York is a very big city so...

Cornholers!!

How's that wine, any left?

We don't have any more boxes of wine,

I can open an actual bottle.

Cocksuckers!!

Cock screw's right there on the counter.

Cork!

Got it, right here.

Oh.

Ah, I'm never having sex again.

No, they'll be fine.

No, they really liked you.

As your dad was leaving he told me I was going to hell.

Yeah, well he only tries to save the people he likes.

How come you never talk about your family?

What are they, in the witness protection program or something?

Uh, my family is really weird.

They're not lucky.

Adam, there's no such thing as luck, okay?

Ah, yeah, there is.

Listen if you want to meet them you can...

come with me to Hannukah dinner in a few months.

If you still like me.

If I still like you?

Yeah, I know I'm just making an assumption there.

Adam, come on.

I more than like you.

- Adam... - I love you.

You just had to say it first, didn't you?

I'm sorry, it's easier for me to say it than to hear it.

Adam, I love you.

I love you.

I love, I love, I love, love, love you...

Adam, I do, I love you.

Hey, it's Steve, I am ridiculously in love

and therefore extremely unreachable,

but leave a message and I'll get back to you.

All right, this next comic used to be really fat.

Which means now her pussy's probably really tight because

no one's ever been in there.

She's the hottest female comic this side of...

I can't think of any hot female comics.

But even if you don't think she's funny, and she's not,

then just turn her around and look upon Rhonda Gernan...

and her amazing heart shaped ass.

Thank you. Wow.

You know, Lou, I always knew you were crazy,

but in those pants I can see your nuts and they're sad.

They're sad because there's no one up there.

No pork, just beans.

No sausage for your country breakfast.

No condiments for your meat.

No relish, no sauce.

Lou's so small. Ask me how small he is?

How small is he?

Lou's so small his last girlfriend...

was a pencil sharpener.

Lou's so small he doesn't get crabs,

he dates them.

Lou's so small if he were a drink he'd be a no pi�a colada.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Oh, I don't see anything, I guess it's Lou's penis.

Well obviously there's one man in the audience...

who's secure enough with his masculinity...

to laugh at my jokes.

Hey. Thanks for coming.

Oh yeah.

And laughing.

Yeah, hi.

You're, you're funny.

I just got fired.

All Lou did was complement you on your ass,

why did you make fun of him?

Because in this heart shaped ass is an asshole...

which is, I guess, what I am.

Gross.

It's good to see you have fun with Gloria Steinam here.

You know I'm not with her, she just sat next to me.

I'm not your mother.

Oh, well you kind of look like her.

Well, that's good.

I'm late I've got to go stare into a black hole.

You know I don't see Steve as often as I used to...

ever since he hooked up with Adam.

I think they're completely wrong for each other.

Don't you agree?

Oh, come on their fags!

You know how it is.

Besides I think it's good, Adam's luck has completely

changed since they met. Why am I talking to you?

Hey, you want to get a drink or something?

Like, it's so early.

You want to get a hot totty?

I try not to drink.

You don't get thirsty? You know your body is 90% water.

Booze, it's the carbs!

Oh, right.

Are there carbohydrates in pot?

Oh.

Wow, public access.

Do you believe they get away with that?

Oh, hey look, American Movie Classics.

You like that don't you?

Isn't it funny how the only requirements for them to be...

a classic is that it be over 40 years old.

I never thought of that.

You're funny.

Funny lady.

Oh my God, I love that movie.

Oh my God me too, Steve makes me watch it all the time,

except I think 'Funny Girl' is much more satisfying.

Well, I think that's the common opinion.

Yeah, that's the common opinion...

Mmmm.

I've got the munchies.

My God what are you doing, I can't eat that!

Oh, you can't have one pie?

No I can't have one pie!

One pie is like an appetizer to me.

I eat that, I unleash the beast!

Well then come on Rhonda, unleash the beast!

I had a slip.

- Thanks gents, have a good night. - Thank you.

All right, okay.

Ah, you know I don't think this is such a good idea.

What is the big deal? Look you met my parents...

I want to meet yours.

All I'm saying is that they're...

I know, I know they're not lucky.

They're kind of cursed.

Well if they're anything as dramatic as their son Adam,

focus, okay, relax.

You always exaggerate everything.

Go.

Go in!

Okay?

Go, it's okay.

Hello.

We're here.

Welcome home!

Darn it, we just replaced that thing last week.

Happy Hannukah.

Whoa!

You must be Steve.

Hi.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.

I'm Adam's father, I'm Norm and this is Sherry and this is...

our beautiful daughter Ruth.

Hi, it's so nice to meet... Ooh!

Uh-oh, did you bite your tongue again sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

Hi.

Hi, Ruth, Mr., Mrs. Bernstein.

Thank you for having me.

Please call me Sherry, any boyfriend of Adam's...

is a boyfriend of mine.

And that's right.

It's getting a little rare having this one come around...

and visit us once in awhile.

I think he's just a little embarrassed...

about the Bernstein curse.

Dad, there is no such thing.

You like that? Are you enjoying?

Mmm.

Steve, matza?

Oh, yes, thank you very much sir.

Thank you.

Seven more.

I thought that was shatter proof.

All right.

I'm sorry, I just have to ask this,

but are all of you okay with this?

Well, I used to charge people a quarter...

every time they asked us that question,

but nobody could afford it.

Lowered it to a nickel and it still broke practically...

everybody's bank.

Happiness is accepting life on life's terms.

You know I mean no matter what they happen to be.

You just do your best with what you've been given.

Till we found out we were luck challenged,

we thought there was a poltergeist or something.

We were on 'In Search Of' in the 70s...

you know, with Spock.

Oh, we still have the tape, we'll show it to you...

after we light the menorah.

Mom, could we get through a Hannukah...

without watching that tape?

Adam just hates that tape, he was a real pizza face...

back then you know.

Too busy with all that white face paint to clear.

Anybody want coffee?

White face paint?

I was a goth in high school.

Who would like coffee?

Oh!

Well, we're out of coffee.

Uh, it's okay, it's kind of late for coffee anyway.

You know what?

Let's spin the draidle and open presents.

Yeah!

Well, now that you have a special friend

I want to see more of you around here.

Dad!

Steve is Adam's lover. God, you are so square.

Oh, it was such a pleasure to meet you Steve... oh, thank you.

I'm so happy that my Adam has found someone as nice as you.

Oh, Sherry, look thanks for making me feel so welcome,

and oh, for such an amazing meal.

Well, it was made with love.

You know, I hate to see you waste money

taking a taxi to the train station.

Don't you want us to give you a ride?

No!

Thank you, no.

I love you.

Why can't a lesbian diet and put on makeup...

at the same time?

I don't know, why?

Cause you can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

Does anyone know what mothballs smell like?

Yes.

Oh really, how did you get them to spread their little legs?

I have an audition for a lesbian cruise ship...

next week, very excited about it.

I like lesbians, lesbians like me.

Trying to cut down on the fat jokes though.

Mm, I still can't even imagine you fat.

Oh, I can, oh, honey, show Steve that photo of you.

No!

Yeah, come on.

No, I look like a Long Island blimp...

with a bad Chinese lady perm.

No.

Speaking of Long Island, you know we went to Long Island...

last week, we went to Adam's parents' house.

Oh my God, I was there once and a piece of space lab...

splashed down into their pool.

Oh my God!

Actually...

I'm going to ask Adam to marry me.

Oh my God!

You're going to marry him!

But you guys have only been going out for a couple months.

Actually it's almost been a year Michael,

besides my parents got married on the third date...

and they're still together.

Well you're only as monogamous as your options.

I mean your parents live in a trailer park in a field.

Excuse me!

Only as monogamous as their options!

You know it gets worse Michael, I'm going to ask him to move in.

Oh my God!

I knew this day was going to come.

You know you said you needed a place to crash for the night...

and you've been living on my couch for five years.

Jesus, Michael, be happy for them.

I think it's great.

He's going to flip out.

He really loves you.

I love him too, I do.

You know it's funny when I was a kid I just supposed I'd get

married like everybody else, but I don't know,

turned out I was gay and I just figured it wasn't in the cards.

But I mean I don't even know what I think of marriage anyway.

Sometimes I think it's a dying institution.

Yeah, well it is, then you fall in love.

Exactly.

Sometimes I look at him and I think,

this is not the person I was supposed to end up with,

but I don't know, somehow it's all okay.

So who gets to wear the dress?

You do.

Hi.

Hey, good lookin'.

Hey.

Wait a minute, come here, come here.

I um, I want to take you someplace. Okay?

Oh God, please don't tell me there's something...

called three stepping.

No, it's just my favorite place in the city.

You game?

Yeah.

- Let's go. - Okay.

The Brooklyn Bridge, that's your favorite place?

Uh huh.

Let's go, come on, come on!

God, I haven't been here in years,

it's getting harder to remember where the towers were, you know?

You were in New York on that day, what was it like?

Oh, I don't know, it was just crazy.

These are crazy times, makes things like, I don't know,

security, commitment, more important.

I can't believe that you brought me here.

My drug problem began on this very spot.

Well, no, actually it began at Danceateria,

this club in the 80's.

This go-go boy coke head with big old like Dee Snyder hair.

He was part of some dance troop, what was it called?

Oh, the Dazzle Dancers.

Well he fed me my first hit of blow and we went back to

my place and he shit right in front of me, all over my carpet.

Oh, my place looked like something out of

Willy Wonka after he left.

Oh, and he was singing some song from the...

what was it from?

Like the Sound of Music.

Oh my God, how could I have forgotten that?

Oh my God.

Oh my Jesus, oh my God.

Honey.

Oh my God.

I have to get out of here, all I can see is disaster.

No, disaster!

I need time to think Adam!

Time to think!

Think!

Where are you going?

So he just ran away yelling "disaster"?

Yeah.

We were talking about the World Trade Center...

and what happened and he just freaked out.

Well, he is a doctor in New York City.

He was in Province Town on 9/11.

Well, he'll call you when he's ready.

Everybody gets the jitters before.

Before what?

The next big terrorist attack.

Uh!

Oh!!

He just dumped me!

What!

In the shower.

Oh my God!

There ain't no God!

Did he say why?

Just that, he wasn't ready...

and he said I didn't really know who he was!

Oh my God, why is this happening?

It's the Bernstein curse!

You know, you date...

You look for the person who has the least amount of flaws...

and then you find someone who you think is about...

as perfect as you can get.

Oh, but of course there's no such thing as perfection.

Why do people project this image of themselves...

that's like completely opposite from who they are?

Maybe they're just afraid they won't be...

loved for who they really are.

But that's crazy.

I mean you come home one day and you think you know this person...

and then all of a sudden you realize you do not...

know this person from Adam.

I need to speak with Steven Hicks.

Are you one of his patients?

Don't make me go Shirley McClaine on you.

You better give that guy some closure or he's going to...

wind up in here in a body cast.

Look, look, I appreciate you standing up for your friend,

but I did give Adam closure, all right?

In a shower stall.

All right, okay, I admit it was perhaps a little abrupt...

but what in the world...

One minute you're telling me you want to marry him,

all that bullshit about commitment...

and you're a total slut.

Look, you don't understand the situation, okay?

There are things about me you just don't know, all right?

Like what?

Like... we just aren't right for each other.

We...

He doesn't really love me.

We were co-dependent and then...

There are things about being co-de,

it's called depending on another person.

You act like you're so grown up like you're so above it,

but you're an asshole and a baby.

You're an asshole who's also a baby!

I'm getting marriage advice from some gay whore, great.

All right, let me get this straight.

You meet Adam in 1987.

You turn him into a coke head and then you poop on him.

All in the same night?

It wasn't my fault.

It was cut with...

baby laxative.

I've had some bad dates but nothing like,

you know, biohazard.

How could we have dated for so long...

and never recognized each other?

Oh, it was the 80s, it was a long time ago.

You know you're like Simon LeBon, in a boat,

looking through the jungle for the cat lady and you know...

he was like the guy with a fiddle and the suspenders singing;

"Come On Eileen".

Or you could just...

You could tell him who you were.

No, no Michael. No, he can't find out.

Michael don't you dare say a word to him, or Rhonda.

Michael, do you hear me?

I told you, I don't know, I just know that he said...

Adam isn't the one.

- Michael. - What?

Michael.

Michael, is that the whole story?

Well, there's the other thing.

What?

What other thing, Michael.

About Adam and Steve.

It's kind of gross, I think I should tell you after dinner.

Why?

What do you know Michael?

Ahhhhh!

And uh, then he broke up with me... in the shower.

Steve was the go-go dancer!

Excuse me, this is a private meeting.

Silence, sober one!

What go-go dancer.

From Danceateria!

The Hershey squirtin' coke head!

Excuse me, you are challenging our serenity.

Shut up!

Wait, from the 80's?

Willy Wonka?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Adam! Steve loves you, he just can't get past his humiliation...

over the diarrhea thing and for turning you into...

some gay John Belushi.

That's why he broke up with you!

But that is crazy.

God, you're right, he is totally unaware for a shrink.

I'm telling you, they're like preacher's kids.

Cross talking is not allowed.

Mary, please!

He's so confused.

No, he's just an asshole and a baby.

He's a baby who's also an asshole.

- Where are you going? - Ah!

Adam, if you imagine it, you can achieve it.

If you dream it, you could become it.

They said the good ones are always taken.

But I know that that's not true.

Cause if the good ones are always taken,

then how, oh how did I find you?

Well...

you're walking down the street happy as a pig in mud.

Feeling simple and sweet...

like a heifer chewing her cud.

Now I don't want to burst your bubble...

and make you fret.

But I think that I smell trouble so watch your step.

If you're raring to go and hopping back in the saddle.

Next thing you know up a creek without a paddle.

If you think you want success and all its trappings.

But honey, life's a mess, shit happens.

They say that a life is just a bowl of cherries.

But they don't make greeting cards...

about dingleberries.

Now you're embarrassed and you won't let no one see you,

'cause they don't write love songs about diarrhea.

You've got a foot in tomorrow and foot in yesterday.

Not bad for a Dazzle Dancer.

You'll get nothing but sorrow...

cause you're crapping on today.

No matter what, you got to keep on laughing.

Just laugh with your mouth shut, cause shit happens.

You doing in it and you're barefoot stepping in it.

Thinking got a master plan,

then it all just hits the fan.

Life can throw you for a loop.

Then it covers you in poop.

Shit happens. Shit happens.

You ain't listening to me,

then my gums are just flapping.

The moral of this story, shit happens.

What?

Shit!

Huh?

Shit!

Can't hear you.

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Life's a game and you can win it even when you're knee deep in it.

Keep a fighting and scrappin'...

cause its spraying and splattin'...

shit happens.

Yeah!

Adam, Adam, wait up.

Adam, I'm sorry okay.

I have nothing to say to you.

Look, I felt like I created this cocaine monster and unleashed

him onto the gay community to wreak havoc on midgets.

Adam, look... I gave you your first bump of coke.

I...

I became incontinent in front of you.

Became incontinent?

God, you are such an old lady.

You're just embarrassed.

Yes, all right, yes I am.

I'd be happy to course through life having a lover who thought...

I never went to the bathroom at all.

Who thought that some little dove just came...

and swept it all away when I wasn't looking.

Wait.

What! What do you want?

I don't know, okay?

I don't want some open relationship like...

all the gay couples I know.

I don't want some, some gay version of the straight couples I see!

I don't see what I want anywhere.

Then just see me.

You know we're just us, we're not gay or straight...

or Julia or Meg, we're just two people...

Adam and Steve.

Maybe we should just accept the fact that neither of those...

people are relationship material.

That... they're both too damaged.

We're in our thirties, of course we're damaged.

And you know what? I am tired.

I am tired of fighting you and the whole world just so...

I could have something as radical and subversive...

as a fucking boyfriend.

Fuck you, Steve!

I may be damaged goods but I am goods nonetheless.

It's not my fault!

You wouldn't understand, she's a woman, they have their ways!

What, she hypnotized you with her feminine wiles?

Yes, yes, yes she did, she did actually!

What?

What was I supposed to do, Michael?

Every time he went to an AA meeting, I'd feel guilty.

Every time I used the bathroom he'd stare at me...

with a knowing look on his face.

Get over yourself!

The guy saw you take a dump.

You'd eventually start changing each other's diapers anyway.

No, no, this is not how it's supposed to be.

You've got to stop with that preconceived bullshit.

You guys love each other, don't you?

I don't even know what that means anymore.

Fags!

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Where, are you go...

There you go, guys.

I've got to go get limes honey, I'll be right back.

You don't get much-a nothing unless you give it a try.

Rock the world a little, get the thunder clapping.

March yourself over there and make things happen.

Give yourself a gift you can use.

What the hell have you got to lose?

We're really all just walking in each other's shoes.

Step one; look. Two; smile.

Three; say 'Hi'.

Say 'Hi'!

Hi.

Hi.

This is Charlie, he uh...

he lives across the street from me.

Hi.

Hi.

Go ahead.

Ask him.

Ask him.

What's your name?

Adam.

What's mine?

Steve.

That's right Steve, Adam and Steve.

So see you were wrong.

God did make Adam and Steve because here we are.

Tell him, huh, tell him.

Steve is sorry for the way he treated you,

he's sorry about everything.

Well, I accept his apology.

And...

I'm sorry I yelled at you,

called you cornholers in front of his parents.

Okay.

What else, what else!

He wants to ask you for your hand...

in one of them gay marriages.

A man marrying a man, that's kind of gross.

I know.

Well you tell him that personally I don't really...

believe in marriage and I don't really know...

if I really believe in him anymore.

Whoa, that's harsh!

Adam, please.

I can't.

Adam.

I choose you, I choose you.

I don't know why you would.

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood.

Perhaps I had a miserable youth.

But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past,

there must have been a moment of truth.

For here you are, standing there, loving me.

Whether or not you should.

So somewhere in my youth, or childhood.

I must have done something good.

Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could.

So somewhere in my youth or childhood,

I must have done something good.

Beloved family and friends at this time...

in the wedding we do the ring ceremony.

Rhonda if you would give me Adam's ring for Steve.

Thank you.

Michael if you would give me Steve's ring for Adam.

Thank you.

Hold hands.

Father Mother God we ask just now for your blessing...

on these beautiful wedding rings...

that they may symbolize for Adam and Steve...

in their union health and happiness, strength and courage,

joy and peace, abundance and prosperity,

and unconditional loving for each other.

So be it.

Adam if you would place this ring on Steven's hand...

and repeat after me.

Steve, with this ring I thee wed.

Steve, with this ring I thee wed.

Steve, if you would place this ring on Adam's hand...

and repeat after me.

Adam, with this ring I thee wed.

Adam, with this ring I thee wed.

Do you Adam Bernstein take Steve Hicks...

to be your beloved husband?

I do.

Steve Hicks, do you take Adam Bernstein...

to be your beloved husband?

You bet your ass I do.

And now by the power vested in me by the state of New York,

I now pronounce you husband and husband.

You may kiss your beloved.

And now Adam in the tradition of your family,

we'll break the glass.

Mazoltov!

Love is real.

Real is love.

Love is feeling,

#feeling love.

Love is wanting,

to be loved.

Love is touch.

Touch is love.

Love is reaching,

reaching love.

Love is asking,

to be loved.

Well...

you're walking down the street happy as a pig in mud.

Feeling simple and sweet...

like a heifer chewing her cud.

Now I don't want to burst your bubble...

and make you fret.

But I think that I smell trouble so watch your step.

If you're raring to go and hopping back in the saddle.

Next thing you know up a creek without a paddle.

If you think you want success and all its trappings.

But honey, life's a mess, shit happens.

They say that a life is just a bowl of cherries.

But they don't make greeting cards...

about dingleberries.

Now you're embarrassed and you won't let no one see you,

'cause they don't write love songs about diarrhea.

You've got a foot in tomorrow and foot in yesterday.

You'll get nothing but sorrow...

cause you're crapping on today.

No matter what, you go to keep on laughing.

Just laugh with your mouth shut, cause shit happens.

You doing in it and you're barefoot stepping in it.

Thinking got a master plan,

then it all just hits the fan.

Life can throw you for a loop.

Then it covers you in poop.

Shit happens. Shit happens.

You ain't listening to me,

then my gums are just flapping.

The moral of this story, shit happens.

What?

Shit!

Huh?

Shit!

Can't hear you.

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Life's a game and you can win it even when you're knee deep in it.

Keep a fighting and scrappin'...

cause its spraying and splattin'.

Shit happens.

Shit!