Original subtitles

So, Jackie, they call you the Great One.

How did that name come about?

Well, actually, Orson Welles was the first to call me the Great One. I'm not

exactly sure why.

And then Lucy continued that tradition and started calling me that as well. And

I never had a problem with it. I learned to deal with it.

Why was the honeymoon so successful?

Well, I could probably give you 30 reasons why. But the one that comes to

mind is it was funny.

That's all.

Is it true that you didn't like to rehearse? I was never fond of

rehearsing, simply because I believed that the best comedy should have a

certain degree of spontaneity and surprise.

And it was just totally a decision made by my technique. I liked to be surprised

as well. And the more I rehearsed, the more I felt it was watered down. So I

rarely rehearsed. You have a reputation for enjoying your libation.

Now that is a lie.

I drank for one reason only, and that is to get bagged. It never got in the way

of my work.

I never drank on show day. I was always on time.

Have you seen Jackie?

Everything okay?

Yeah, just the usual pre-show details, Mr. Friedman. Nothing we can't handle.

Joe, you seen Gleason?

Nope, haven't seen him.

Where is he?

Well, you know Jackie.

If he's not composing the music, he's yelling at the writers. If he's not

yelling at the writers, he's changing the lights. If he's not changing the

lights, he's telling the director how to do his job.

No, this is not going to work.

We're not going to be able to see our face and hear his dialogue.

Well, I can't get any other. The rental house is already closed.

Well, it's too late to change it. We're going to have to go in.

Well, I could cut a hole in the front.

Then we have to pay for it.

Just do it. We've got an hour.

Just want to give Mr. Paley's good wishes.

You know he doesn't like visitors before the show, especially from the network.

No offense.

None taken. It goes with the territory, but I do need to see him. Just wait

here, and I'll go get him. That's my boy.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Bad show cast.

We go live in 30 minutes.

Honeymooners, that's a one-hour call for you.

Why don't we try 2nd Avenue? This is like a parade route.

Everything's jammed up, Mr. Gleason. So you want to hear this?

Yeah. So we leave the Yankee game, right? Uh-huh. We get in the car.

Things start spinning.

And I threw up.

I was so loaded, I threw up all over Sinatra right in his limo. You believe

that?

And you know what I told his driver?

What's that, Mr. Gleason? Throw the bum out. He's stinking up the car.

I'll be darned.

These guys think I'm going to wear a dress.

I hate riders.

Thank you.

Thank you. How are you, pal?

Jackie?

Jackie?

You're

welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

For God's sake, will you let that kid be?

Jackie! You know what you're going to do? You're going to turn him into a

mama's boy.

He's all I've got left. What the hell's that supposed to mean?

It means maybe if I had a husband who knew how to look after his family, I'd

still have two sons instead of one.

No.

You know what I can't believe?

I can't believe you still blame me.

The kid was sick, me.

Our boy was thick.

You know, I don't do enough around here, do I? Enough for who?

You know, one of these days... No can at her.

You know what?

I know where you hide it.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, that's clean, but... Oh, yeah, I know, all right.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, there we go.

Damn, I can't believe how fast you go through the hooch. Oh, what, like you

don't? You're drunk by two in the afternoon.

Oh, what time is it?

Oh, I know.

Time for a drink.

You are not taking the food with you. You've got to go out and get drunk. Put

it back. No, no. Put it back. No, no. You know what? You're right.

I am to blame.

I'm not telling you how beautiful you are. Come on, baby.

Come on, look at me. Just put the money back. Come on, look. What is that for?

How about you take a walk with your old man, huh?

And then we'll do, we'll go see a show at the Helpsy.

How would you like that, huh?

Hey, come on.

But I told you about taking him out when you've been drinking.

Come on, Ma, I want to go. Yeah, come on, Ma.

We want to go.

Don't you take your eyes off him.

You hear that, Jackie? You don't take your eyes off me, huh?

Be good, Jackie.

We feed our magic circle of fire, ladies and gentlemen. Well, our next act is

certainly no dog act. Let's have a big hand for the one and only Benny Meyer.

Have a good time with your old man tonight?

Sure, Pop.

Yeah? Yeah, let's have a show. Oh, yeah, let's have a show.

Woo-hoo!

Oh, Jackie.

Hey, I ever tell you what a good boy you are?

You're such a good boy.

I'm going to give you something.

How would you like that, huh?

I'm going to give you something, but you've got to promise me you are not

going to tell your mom.

A nickel?

Guy like you can't walk around broke, Mr. Jackie Gleason.

Here, you can put that in your pocket, pal.

All right, open says to me.

You can worry Pete, Jackie.

Come on, don't play with your food.

Maybe the subway's late.

He's here! That's him! No, that's not him, Jackie.

Mrs. Gleason?

Yes.

Thank you for coming.

Have you ever been gone this long before?

No, never this long.

Well, Ma, remember last Thanksgiving?

No, it wasn't this long.

Well, what would help us is photograph identification, if anyone's seen him.

Jackie.

Where are all the pictures of Daddy?

I don't understand.

I'm sorry.

We'll do what we can, okay?

Merry Christmas.

Ladies and gentlemen, now the Halsey Theater is proud to present a new act.

I'm really excited about this young man. He's going to go places.

How about a nice, warm welcome, big hand for Jackie Lisa!

15 minutes to stage show. We go live in 15.

Jackie's the problem. I want a different driver. Another one? Thank you, Willie.

What happened to this one? He's a wacko. All right, final hand. Jackie, you are

killing me with the lateness. It's because I'm all out of poison. Very

funny. You do realize this is live, right?

Ladies,

Adi. What's up, Tilly?

Friedman wants to see you. You know I don't see people before the show. Well,

he's not people. He's from the network.

Well, then I definitely don't want to see you.

Paul, let's hear his manager. Will you help me out? Hey, he's a big boy, all

right? Oh, that's right. You do nothing. Don't start.

No, Jackie, please. Please never works. Look, he's Paley's number two guy.

He gets five minutes after the show. Now? Later.

No, now. Fine. You want to talk to him? Go ahead and talk to him. Go ahead.

Good evening, Jackie.

Oh, God. I was wondering if you got the new script pages yet. You call that a

script? I wouldn't let my parakeet crap on that thing. That was death. I thought

that was the direction. No, money's the direction.

Well, if you came to rehearsal every once in a while, you'd see. What would I

see? That you're in charge of my scheduling now?

Hey, maybe we should give the scene to Carney. Maybe you should go write for

Burrell. Give me some eyes. See? I told you later.

Here you go, Jackie.

Scotch up.

You put the word in with Fisher about me taking over your MC spot?

Jackie, how many times have I got to talk about this?

You're not ready.

What do you mean?

I'm not putting my reputation on the line for a guy who's been at it only

four months.

You saw me kill him the other night.

Yeah, that reminds me.

You're going to steal a lot of guys' routines. At least do them right.

I'm changing them around to fit me.

Right, fine.

Just don't change the funny parts.

And you've got to work on your timing.

What did I tell you about talking while I shoot?

Sorry.

All I'm saying is that it took me three years until I was offered a job outside

the ball seat. That's you.

I'll tell you what.

You put the fixings for me and you won't owe me another red cent.

What am I up to?

Six bucks plus the two bits you're about to lose.

I get the job, I give you a dollar a week.

The job only pays three. What are you going to do, work for a long time? Will

you let me worry about that?

Shoot your shot.

What are you going to do?

More to the right, you're going to kiss up the seven.

Go ahead. Keep embarrassing yourself. All right.

I'll talk to Fisher.

Tell him he won't be sorry.

But I'll tell you, I'm staying at a lousy hotel, ladies and gentlemen.

They steal my towels.

The good news is they send up the heat religiously.

Once a week.

On Sundays.

We're good.

I think he's kind of cute. I'll tell you, they sure ask a lot for rent.

No, that's not it.

Now, they ask a lot for rent.

Last week, they asked me five times.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Good night. I want a nice hat for Jackie Gleason.

Welcome, man. It was fun.

And now, please welcome the ballet artistry of the Holford twins.

Here, they're not really twins.

Two sisters.

Who cares? They can be brothers.

Look at the pins on that one.

I'll take the one on the right.

Hello.

My name is Jackie. I'm one of the new comics around here. Yeah, we know.

We saw.

Thank you.

And I just want to tell you what a pleasure it is to watch your gals do the

ballet.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

You know, it would really be an honor to take your gals out for a late supper

tonight. What do you say?

Well, I've already got plans with Armando, but... Oh, really?

The juggler?

Are you going to walk or take the unicycle?

It's funny.

Always writing. You know, it's comics.

How about you, miss?

A little tired tonight.

Maybe some other time. Maybe tomorrow night.

Maybe.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Have a great show out there.

Have a good night.

I'm telling you, Mara's girl is nuts about me.

And she's a dancer.

You know, not that kind of dancer.

A good dancer. She's ballet.

Yeah.

What's with the breathing, Mara? I'm fine.

So, when do I get to meet her?

I don't know.

Things go okay tonight, maybe soon.

There's something different about her.

Yeah, that's what you said about the last one.

Did they ever find your wallet?

Can you stop with that, please?

Hey, I just care about her, that's all.

I know, Mom.

You're the greatest.

Yeah.

Hey, how about you stay home tonight? Keep me company, huh?

Well, how many times do I have to tell you? You're not my type.

I'll tell you that Chaplin, he's a genius.

He says it all with his eyes.

The way he was with that little kid.

It's like he makes me laugh and cry.

He makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

You know the best thing about it? He runs the whole show.

He's the writer, the director, he's the star.

He doesn't have to depend on anybody.

Is that what you want?

Not to have to depend on anybody?

Isn't that what everybody wants?

Not everyone.

I think it might get kind of lonely.

You know what?

You've got to meet my mom.

Why is that?

Because you seem to understand people the same way she does.

Hey, listen.

Just for a giggle, let's go by and say hi. What do you say?

Jackie, we hardly know each other.

Yeah, but see, this way, we can all get to know each other at the same time.

I don't know, Jackie.

I do.

Come on.

Come on, Ma!

Come on.

She's going to love it. But maybe she's asleep.

Does it sound like she's asleep?

Come on. Ma!

Oh.

You made a banana bread.

You want some? Oh, I'm okay. That's why you're a twig.

Ma! What did I tell you about keeping these late hours?

You like jazz?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. You're going to be two peas in a pod.

Do I look all right?

You look unbelievable.

Come on, I want you to meet Jen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Friedman, it's ten minutes before the show.

That's plenty of time to convey Mr. Paley's good wishes.

Mr. Friedman, now, listen, listen to me.

Jackie doesn't see anybody before the show.

It's a superstition. Sure, sure, I understand, good. But just give me two

minutes.

Look, what do you expect me to tell Mr. Paley?

Tell him I saved your life. That you couldn't give me 30 seconds to walk in

and get... No, I hear talking outside the door.

Yeah, I'm just going to go sit in the audience.

That's a good idea. Okay, hey, have a wonderful show. Thanks.

Top notch. Top notch.

Five minutes, Miss Alford.

Hey. Hi. Is everybody decent?

Is that okay, lady?

You were great in that saloon, the Western Jane.

Very funny.

I just wanted to wish you good luck tonight.

Oh, thank you. You too. Hey, Mr. Big Shot.

Big city debut.

Yeah. On Miami, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, come here, come here. I heard something I want to ask you. Come

here. What?

Listen, I was thinking that maybe after our shows we can get together at my

place tonight. What do you say?

Come on.

I told Jackie we had this conversation.

I'm waiting.

What are you waiting for? A rainy day?

I've been waiting for six months.

Is there a little party that doesn't have to wait? Not at all.

Hey, why don't you go buy my show tomorrow night?

Oh, actually, I have dinner plans.

Well, maybe after dinner you can come by and I'll leave you two tickets for the

late show.

Hey, Jackie.

Where is this going?

Come on, you know this has been a crazy year for me with everything going on.

And now I'm playing the bigger rooms in the city and... I know.

But where do I fit into that?

Come on, Jenny, you know I'm crazy about you.

Well, I don't... I want crazy.

Someday I want a family.

Jen, sorry.

We're around next.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Okay.

All right, go get them, Tiger. You got a packed house tonight.

Remember everything I taught you.

Plie, plie.

I'll see you tomorrow night?

I'll try.

Good luck.

So did you see the way I murdered him tonight?

What did I tell you about stealing, huh?

Jackie, you did two of my jokes.

And they killed you, my friend. You're an excellent writer.

Come on, dinner's on me.

Where are we going?

We're going right here.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're going in here?

We ain't going bowling.

Yeah, but this place is for big shots.

Well, then maybe you should wait outside.

They happen to cater to entertainers. That's why.

You don't have to pay. You just sign for everything.

Entertainers will make a living. Eventually, you've got to pay it back.

Eventually.

Hey, I bet they have scampi. I'm not eating.

You'll eat.

I can't afford this.

You think small, my friend.

I got two weeks' salary on my plate. I can't eat this. I'll get indigestion.

What are you worried about? You're not paying for it. Eat your potato.

You want to trade for the donkey hand?

Jack.

Here's a Mr. Short. Mr. Short. Excuse me. I just want to tell you you have a

beautiful restaurant here, and maybe next time I can get a table near a

waiter.

Do I know you? Mr. Shore. My name is Jackie Gleason.

I'm headlining up at the Club Miami, and it would be my honor to have you as my

guest any time.

Thank you.

What do you do?

What do I do?

I'm a comic.

Good for you. Excuse me, Mr. Shore.

Jack Benny is ready for his table.

Great. Nice to meet you.

Likewise.

That went well.

May I have a pen so I may sign my tab, please?

Do you have a tab?

Are you calling me a liar?

Does your mommy know you're up this late?

Why don't you send a nice bottle over to Mr. Benny's table and put some on there

for yourself?

We're in.

You don't have to answer me. They're jokes. They're not a conversation.

What do I know? That's why I never shower alone, ladies and gentlemen.

How about this marvelous club? Club Miami.

Is this wild here?

I got to tell you, the food is fit for a king.

Yeah, king.

Come on, boy. Where are you?

What the hell are you looking at, pal? You look like you lost your best

friend.

By any chance, did it run off with your hair?

Could you put your head on dim?

Good thing about it, pal. At least if you find a hair in your soup, you know

it ain't yours.

Ah, but I gotta tell you, life is good, ladies and gentlemen. My landlord called

me the other day.

Told me I have three days to pay rent.

I said, okay, I pick Easter, Thanksgiving, and New Year's Eve, 1962.

And you, get your legs together. What are you, waiting for a parade?

You should see what I see.

I'm Jackie Gleason. Have a good night.

Go. Come on.

So where's Jen?

Thought I saw her come in here tonight.

Oh, yeah? I didn't even notice. The crowd was so hot.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on, Jackie. You've had enough, buddy.

Open the door, Jen.

Jen, open the door. I got it.

Jen, open the door!

Come on, why don't you send the bum out? Send the bum out!

Catholic girl, my ass. I know what's going on in here, Jen.

What are you doing?

I want the door.

Is he in there?

Open it up.

Where is he? Look for yourself. There's no one there.

You know the way I am. You're being ridiculous.

What were you doing?

What are you doing here? You think you can go down to a club where I work in

front of my friends with another guy and show me up? I can go out with whoever I

want. What was that?

You can go out with whomever you want. Who is he?

Who is he?

A friend.

A friend? What the hell am I? I'm not a friend.

You don't do that to people.

Hey, it's four in the morning. Shut the hell up. You want to be next?

Okay, Jackie, you're scaring me now. Scaring you? Please, please go home.

Let me in.

What happened when you said you cared about me? Remember when you cared about

me? I missed that.

All right, Jackie.

You have to care, too.

You just look like a guy who doesn't care.

Let me hear it.

I want to tell you a story.

It's not worth it.

No, it is not worth it. I'll tell you why.

It's worth it!

Jackie says she's sorry.

How does a fella get some eggs around here?

Jackie. I knew you'd be back.

Are you crazy? You slept in the hall?

Well, I was in no condition to walk.

Because you drink too much?

A fella's got to have a hobby.

Stop it. I'm serious.

Jen.

Listen to me.

I can change.

I have a reason to now.

You must...

I'll never sleep again unless you marry me, Jen.

Listen, I made a mess of things, and I want to make it up to you, Jen. How, by

marrying me? You don't want to get married, Jackie.

I don't have a choice. You know why? Because I'm never going to let you go. I

am perfect for you.

You're perfect for you.

Well, maybe it's contagious.

Come on, you know the drill. Go buy a beautiful white dress, walk down the

aisle, and I will make you the happiest woman on earth. I'm not ready for this.

Well, go get ready, and I'll go buy a cake.

I can't marry you like this.

Are you kidding? Do you know how gorgeous you are in yellow?

Oh, come on.

My brother-in-law, you're into something else, huh?

Who is?

Yeah.

Are you going

to dance? Yeah.

How are you, ladies? Hi, Sammy.

Yeah, you seen Jackie?

Yeah.

He's on stage in the back doing his act.

He's doing a show tonight?

Yeah. And the late show, too.

How do you think he's playing for the wedding?

What a guy, huh?

How are you?

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk to you about marriage, which I believe to

be an expert on, because I have been married approximately five hours.

And they said it would never last.

You know, they say, ladies and gentlemen, that marriage is like a three

-ring circuit.

You got the engagement ring, you got the wedding ring, and then you got the

suffering.

There it is, pal.

One size fits nobody.

Are you married?

It's a wonderful institution.

I'm just not ready to be institutionalized.

Where is she? Where is my bra?

I'm going to miss her.

All right, ten seconds to music and announce, everyone.

And five, four, three, two, one. Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie

Gleason presents...

And now, your host for this evening, Jackie Cleason!

Thank you very much, everybody.

Wow, thank you.

Oh, how sweet it is.

How about a hand for the June Pallet Dancers, everybody?

Aren't they marvelous?

Thank you, everybody. Welcome to the stage show tonight. We have an immensely

talented group of performers for you tonight. And for the first time ever,

right after this program, a full half hour of The Honeymooners. Would you like

to see that, everyone?

I knew you would. On with the show. On the way we go.

Oh, look at this. She's got her daddy's eyes.

Welcome to the world, sweetheart.

Isn't she amazing, Jackie?

She's beautiful.

Just beautiful. Look, look, look, look, look, look.

She's staring right at me like she knows me or something.

It's unbelievable.

This is all I ever wanted.

You know, Jen, for the first time in my life, I know what a family feels like.

You've made me so happy, Jackie.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get as much work as I can in the city

so I won't have to go on the road. How do you leave this?

Look at it.

Look at it.

Well, if you do go on the road, we'll just come with you.

Absolutely.

After all, I've got to take care of my girls.

Look at that smile.

See, she knows good humor.

I've got to tell you something. Two days ago... No, wait, that wasn't me.

Look at this guy. Didn't you see there's a sign out there? There's an age limit

at this nightclub, pal. You gotta be under 100.

By the way, the Civil War called. They found your diary.

I'm kidding. The cemetery called. Your room's ready.

How you doing, pal? Make you feel at home.

More unbombing fluid on this table. Put it on my tab.

No, you're a good crowd. A year ago, you didn't even want to handle it. A year

ago, you weren't dead. I should be charging you $15,000.

Excuse me. I wonder if I can have a word with you. Listen, pal, it's all in the

fun that's part of the show. Let me get my friend to see through. To go. To go

is good.

No, listen, I should be buying you a drink. All right, there you go. I

haven't laughed like that in a long time. Well, you've got to get out more.

Thanks for dropping by, Jackie. Excuse me, I don't mean to be disrespectful.

I'm out here from the coast. That's nice.

The name is Warner.

Hiya, Warner.

And who's your nurse?

Hello, sir. Wait, wait, wait. Warner. As in Warner Brothers?

Exactly. Just like it says on the sign over my studio.

Could you wait a minute?

It's Warner from...

Warner Brothers.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Bullets Sorghum, Jackie's manager. Nice to meet you. Oh, Bullets. Interesting

name. So, could you get him a drink for crying out loud? Come on, while we're

young. And which brother are you?

Jack Warner.

I'm the brother that's going to put your boy here in pictures.

The better looking brother?

No, the smarter one. There you go.

Oh, how sweet it is.

There you go. Here's a drink. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. All right.

The pictures.

The pictures it is.

So guess who was in the front row of the club last night who I kept grilling? Get

it. I don't know. I don't know. Jack Warner.

One of the Warner brothers.

That's right.

That's right.

He loved the act. After the show, he goes up the bullets and says he wants to

put me in one of his movies that's in production right now.

Easy. You're going to scare the kid.

You're going to scare the kid. Mommy's scared.

Yes, sweetheart.

Is that unbelievable? It's amazing.

When do we leave?

This kid is amazing. She never sleeps.

You're just like your daddy.

You've got to go to bed.

The sun's coming up.

I'll take her.

All right. Okay, I've got to get all my things in order.

Jen, this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. It's turning. You

feel it turning?

It's turning.

Oh, great.

So how long do you think we'll be in Los Angeles?

Well, that's just the thing. It's probably just like a year contract.

So to uproot everybody and go clear across the country probably doesn't make

sense right now.

You aren't going to take us with you?

Jen, we've got to start thinking about the kid.

I mean, you think she's fussy now? Can you imagine we all get on a train and go

clear across to California?

She'll never sleep. And with the time change and everything, forget about it.

I thought you said we were going to be a family.

I'm thinking about the family.

I just don't understand why you would want to leave without us.

Jen, it's a picture with the Warner Brothers.

Can't you be happy for me?

Come on. Two, three pictures a year, I'll never have to go on the road

anymore.

You understand?

Yeah.

Yeah. I understand.

All right. That's my girl.

All right. Is the blue blazer clean?

Mm-hmm.

Where did Bay Slacks?

Okay,

here they are. Here they are.

Did you ever think that you would be married to a movie star?

Huh?

Lady Blue, scene seven, Apple, take 16.

And action.

Wow, that was a crazy couple of days.

I've never been seasick before.

All right, guys, load them in there.

Go tell the fellas that we're ready to go.

Cut. All right, talk, talk, talk. Did we get it? No, we didn't get it.

Oh, well, why'd you cut?

Can you not do that stupid little dance?

Because you're lying to him, and then you walk out of the shot. Let's stick to

the script.

Okay, I was just trying to make it funnier, that's all. Well, it was funny

before we hired you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chappie, what the hell does that mean?

I thought we went through all of this yesterday.

All right, everyone, let's go again.

Excuse me, look, you know, you're doing a big-time picture here. I mean, if I

see the opportunity to make it a little funnier, what's the problem with that?

You want to play the role of Tubby, or you don't.

Okay, now that's the other thing. I feel that the name of the character is just a

little, um... Accurate?

See, now that's the kind of humor you can use in your directing.

That's lunch, everyone. One hour.

Back at two. You want to see funny?

You want to see funny? Back at two!

Back at two!

If you take a long lunch, Gleason, come to think of it, take the day off. We'll

see you tomorrow.

Take a bath. Cool off. You're not coming.

Give me Jack Warner on the horn.

Yeah.

Hi.

Finally, I haven't heard from you in five days. How's it going?

I got canned, Jen.

The what?

I got fired.

The damn director, he wouldn't let me make it funny. The writing was horrible,

okay?

Could you try to get the kid to be quiet so I can have a minute with you here?

You need to come home.

Can you believe they did this to me?

They're telling me what's funny. Can you believe that?

I just wanted to make it better. You know me.

I'm pregnant.

Jackie.

Are you there?

Are you happy?

Yeah, why not?

Of course, baby.

We miss you, Jackie.

We haven't seen or heard from him for the past three days.

Excuse me.

Shall I call an ambulance?

This guy's dead.

Neither priest.

I got here as quickly as I could.

What a waste, huh, Father?

Not really.

Actually, he wasn't that funny.

At least not in my movies.

No, no, no. Why would you do that?

How much longer are you going to make us live like this, Jackie?

I don't want to hear it right now, Jen. You've been like this for two months.

Look at what I got.

You know what this is?

The final notice for our electricity. They're turning it off.

We have a baby, Jackie.

We have no savings.

When are you going to come out of hiding?

What do you expect us to do?

Why don't you take the kid and go move in with your folks?

Until I can figure it out.

How about instead of us leaving, you come back?

Don't get it, Jack. I need two more days. I need two more days!

You realize your phone doesn't work? I haven't heard from him in three weeks.

How are you? You all right? Huh?

Okay. Where is he?

Is he, uh...

Okay. What do you want?

Ready to go back to work?

How many times do I got to tell you I don't want to do the clubs anymore?

Club? Did I say club? Did the word clubs come out of my mouth? I didn't say club.

I'm talking about Broadway. I got you something on Broadway, kid.

Huh? Huh?

There's a big street in the middle of town, Jackie. It's got a lot of lights,

theaters. The Broadhurst Theater, they're rehearsing something.

Right now, I talked to the director.

He loves you. Jackie, he loves you. He's a big fan. Come on.

I can't do Broadway right now. I'm going to have to wait on that.

I'm going to tell him you're starting 9 o'clock tomorrow morning. You're not

going to tell me when I'm going to start. I'm not doing it tomorrow. Do you

a big favor? I'm not listening to you. All right? 9 o'clock tomorrow morning.

Or never.

Look.

Take a little break from the booze, will you?

Janet.

And what I'd like you to do, honey.

Could you do me a favor? Could you turn the phone back on? Because I am not

going to come here every time I want to talk to you. Take it.

I got other clients, all right?

Nine o'clock.

Believe him.

It's a whimsical collage of music and comedy sketches.

And I want you to bring your wonderful sense of wit and whimsy to the

production.

I want you to bring Jackie Gleeson to the role.

Yes, sir.

Jackie, may I call you Jackie? The character doesn't actually exist as yet.

I want you to create it.

I like that.

I thought you might, yes. What we'll do is we'll improvise during rehearsals,

and then we'll just keep the bits that truly tickle our collective funny bone.

Okay.

I smell smash, Jackie.

Sit down. All right.

Before you fly away.

Always remember, non-members play on Tuesday.

Smooth.

Let's go pick another bunker.

Better yet, get yourself a couple snow cones.

Mush, gentlemen, mush. You're in my light. Mush.

Seven iron, my dear. Oh, you're a good one. You have the eye of an eagle and a

tail of a puppy.

You're going to make it hard to keep my head down.

Oh, is it the beauty?

Oh, my.

He's back.

Marvelous attitude. If you leave him alone, he's great.

I know that. I know that. I can see the clubhouse.

I believe they're open for lunch.

Mush, darling, mush.

Did I tell you the wife had a nasty fall?

I can't believe these reviews.

Crawford usually hates everybody.

Listen to this.

Rising new comic, Jackie Gleason.

Okay. That's great, honey.

All right. All right. Let's go take our baths.

What do you mean, baths?

Daddy's going to sit here and eat alone?

Well, Daddy was two hours late for dinner, wasn't he?

Because Daddy had rehearsal.

Maybe Daddy will give you a bath. Daddy Gleason, the new leading man in a long

time.

Leading man.

When did I become a leading man?

Maybe I should try being a leading man.

I don't know. Jen, do you think I should be a leading man?

And a husband.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm not a husband and father? What do you think all this is?

Magic?

That's really great. Why don't you try being a wife?

A wife?

You don't want a wife. You want a maid and a mother.

Well, I am tired of being your maid.

And I'm certainly not going to be your mother.

Thank you for that.

Just let her settle down, Jackie.

It'll get better.

Yeah, it's easy for you to say. You're happily married. You're a Martian.

Merry Christmas, pal. Jackie.

Jackie, this is some watch.

It's not some watch. It's a wit now.

It's automatic.

You don't have to wind it.

I got a present for you out back.

Finally! What's the point of having a phone if you're not there to answer it?

Look what I got. Oh, you got one, too? I got three of them. It's a regular Santa

Claus. Hey, big shot.

Remember when you told me Broadway would never amount to anything? Remember that?

Did I say that? I must have been sober.

What does this word mean to you?

Television.

Pearl, Skelton, Benny, Jackie.

We have got an offer.

Look at me.

An offer to do television. You're going to host a variety show on the Dumont

Network.

Huh? Cabalcade of Stars.

What kind of title is that? Did you hear what I had to say to you? This is an

offer to do television.

Jackie,

this is your Christmas present.

What is it? And by the way, she's automatic.

You don't have to wind her up.

Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Well, yes, yes, yes.

Now, how am I supposed to get you down my chimney?

Are we going to have this conversation or not? Have you met my elf?

No. After you.

Back to the workshop.

toys. Toys, my boy.

Jackie, we're talking about this. Hey, hey, listen to me. Listen to how his

shoes jingle. Yeah, yeah, it's a fun place, but you don't want to eat it.

Talk to me. Let's go. No, you're going to have this conversation now. We're not

doing it tomorrow.

Take it easy. We're doing it now. It's too important. Can you wait a minute,

please? I'm falling down on the ice. Can you stand over here for a minute?

Because I need to talk to you. What are you doing? What are you doing? You have

a wife and kids, don't you?

Huh? It's the holidays.

All right, listen to me. This television show is live. No director is going to be

able to cut your gas. All right, well, look, let me think about it.

What's the dough? $600 a week. I'm not doing it for $600.

What kind of a manager are you? You're right. You don't need the exposure. You

just stay with a small audience.

It's $600 a week to start with. Well, what the hell does cavalcade mean

anyway? It's a two-week trial.

If you get it out of the park, the sky's the limit.

You know what? I already said yes, okay? Merry Christmas. Hey, you're welcome.

You do not have the power.

I'm thinking of ways to prove that I love you. Oh,

I've got so much more important things to do.

The Druggist Association of America presents the Dumont Network's Cavalcata

Stars. Starring your host, Jackie Gleason, with the June Taylor Dancers.

And now, here's Jackie Gleason!

Whoa!

Thanks, everybody. Welcome to Cavalcata Stars. I'm Jackie Gleason.

As the cow said to the farmer, thanks for the warm hand.

I think it's time to put that joke out to pasture.

You know, I got to tell you, backstage I met a gal with a million-dollar smile.

She'd only smile to guys that had a million dollars.

Girls, that's your cue.

Tonight's show is brought to you by Gleam-A-Dent with Foth Brawl in

peppermint and spearmint.

Oh, girls, you want to get paid?

Yeah! Oh, they're a good one. Give them a hand.

Makes you want to brush between meals.

You're in for a real treat tonight. Thanks for staying tuned to Cavalcade.

Sammy, a little traveling music.

No.

Ha, ha, ha.

Thanks for tuning in. It's a cavalcade on with the show and away we go.

Who okayed these costumes? Keely Smith has one song. I know that. I booked it.

Then you do the Reggie sketch.

And your manager is in your room. Love it.

What is that, a scotch? Water it down.

Water it down.

All good.

Opening monologue.

Hilarious. I was standing there. I almost kissed my ass.

Do you think I pay you to kiss my ass?

Do I pay you to kiss my ass? It was funny. What did you hear out there?

What did you hear? You want to know what I heard?

Crickets!

You're right. It could be a little better.

What the hell is that?

I'll talk to him. Let's go. Let's go. I'll get the writers. Get the writers.

All right.

You're combing the back of my neck. Give me this.

You want to see us, Mr. Fleece?

Yeah, yeah. Which one of your geniuses wrote that opening monologue?

Well, we both did.

You both did, huh? Well, you know what? You both stink.

This just in. We're trying to do comedy. It read like a damn weather report out

there. Well, I think they got... You want to write for radio?

No? Go upstairs and try it again.

One minute, Mr. Gleeson.

Now, I know, Joel. Where do you think I'm going? On a cruise?

It's a clip-on, for Christ's sakes. Put it on.

I'm running a circus.

I'm running a circus.

Let me do me a favor.

Do something.

Oh,

that's a good year.

Tuesday.

Do I know of a good omelette?

Fire in the hole!

Oh, boy.

Son!

Son! Perfect timing, Daddy.

to over-exercise on the weekend.

You see, mother?

He is no good. He is a bum.

Son, your father is right.

Oh, boy.

I got some very good news. See, now they know the character.

Thank you so much for putting me in the sketch out there. Oh, were you in the

sketch out there?

Do me a favor. When I'm getting my lamps, don't stand there mugging because

it's disgusting. Oh, yeah, sure, Jackie. Thanks for stopping by. I want to talk

to you. Did you make a reservation?

Yeah, for 10 o'clock. Five people.

Fine. All right, I'll take care of it. Carney is terrific. He's a very good

foil. He's good. He's got a lot to learn. I think you should use him as

often as possible. What, are you booking a show now? No, I'm trying to tell you

you're going to be a very busy boy.

The sponsors are going completely nuts. Why wouldn't they? I talk to Dumont.

They want a whole year.

I knew what we were about to do. I know.

I love it. So what did you tell them? I told them they ought to meet our price

or take a long walk off a short pier.

I'm going to turn you into a millionaire yet, kid.

You got it backwards, Bullock.

I'm turning you into a millionaire.

I know. I was just... You were just what? You were just what?

Taking the credit like everybody else?

Who's the one busting his rump out there every night?

Could I finish? All right, go ahead, finish. So the cop says to the guy, he

says, what the hell are you doing out at four in the morning?

And the guy says, well, if I knew that, I'd be at home with my wife.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great one.

That's funny.

How would you know? That's one of Burroughs.

Oh, yeah?

He steals from the best.

So do you.

What do you mean?

Everybody knows you like to, uh, say it.

Burroughs.

All right, come on. We're all just having a good time here. Sure they all

are. You have big steaks and booze at my expense. Why not have a good time at my

expense? Jackie, if I said something wrong, I apologize.

You know what I mean?

That's not a matter of something wrong. You just said what's on your mind.

You saying I'm jealous?

No. See, you would have to be a contender to be jealous.

You are envious.

So now I'm envious.

Yeah, okay, you're a schoolteacher, and you go in the room and the kids are

going crazy. No, no, no, school's not funny. What else? Okay, you're a clerk

in a complaints department, except you're rude to everyone who comes in.

No, no, no, I'd be the one coming in to complain.

Cowboy. No.

What'd I tell you about cowboys? Okay, just getting back to the schoolteacher

thing. Why would you get back to the schoolteacher? We think Carney would

really... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can see Carney. Okay, listen, Carney has enough

to do.

Okay, he's a busy man.

You know what? Do me a favor. You guys come sit down. You're scaring me. Come

on.

All right, now listen. Does everybody have a pen?

Yes. I would appreciate it if you write this down.

Think funny, okay?

Humor comes out of conflict, not an occupation, but it comes out of

relationships and situations, right?

Okay, let's say we have a couple. A couple of guys. Yeah, roomies. No, no,

no. A married couple. Let's say they're married, okay? They've been at it a

while, but they're always at each other's throats. But they love each

other. And they live in a great big mansion. Yeah, yeah.

Penthouse. Okay, rich isn't funny. You understand?

You want to put them in a two-room tenement. Okay, so they're poor.

Who said they were poor? They're struggling. Write it down. Struggling.

You know the feeling. Okay, and when he gets home, there's a bunch of kids.

And they're yelling and screaming.

There's no kids because they argue. And it isn't funny when you argue in front

of children.

He's the kid.

That's the point. He's the big baby, the blubbering kid that won't grow up.

Okay, so then it's just the two of them and they're loners. I didn't say, why

would you want to make them loners? You want to have conflict of other people.

They're social.

Carney could go there. Carney would be a great neighbor. Okay, Carney can be a

neighbor. He pops in every once in a while, stirs it up. Okay, so what does

this guy do for a living?

Drive the cab.

Worse. A bus.

A bus. He's a bus driver. Takes the bus up and down Fifth Avenue all day long,

carting around people that are better off than he is. But every scheme and

everything he tries fails. And he does it for her, but he fails.

Titles. What does it feel like?

It's a guy that's always, he's failing with his schemes. He loves his wife. The

failure. I mean.

Would you watch a show called The Failure? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

The Beast.

Huh?

Please leave.

Hold on, Jackie, how about the couple next door?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

A honeymooners.

Write that down.

It is my cup, but I don't drink coffee.

All right, let's just give it a try, okay?

Ready?

Alice, did you make me my eats? I'm starving.

I know you're starving, that's why I'm making you a salad.

Do I have to have a salad today? Can I just get a little piece of bread?

Bread? I didn't bake any bread, Ralph. You're on a diet, remember?

Well, if you didn't make any bread, what have you been doing?

Frank, we're going to put this on its feet, all right? Okay, Jack. Let's just

block it up.

You know where you are, right?

Let's just try it out right around here. Now, how would this look in a two-shot?

Okay, that's wrong. Two-shot. Two-shot, please. Way too tight.

Way too tight. Loosen that up, please.

Too wide.

Okay, too wide now, please. Then closer.

Closer, please.

Right, right.

Looks great.

No, it's not great.

I'll let you know when it's great. That's why.

Okay. Okay?

Right.

Good God.

You'll work that out later?

Yeah. All right, let's try the lines, shall we? Alice, you got my eats. I'm

starving. I know you're starving. That's why I'm making you a salad. Okay, hold

on, hold on. You don't want to walk away on a line. First of all, you're not

scared of Ralph. When he lets you have it, you confront this guy. You take no

guff from him at all.

All right? You're just right there. All right. You're not scared around. Okay.

All right. Okay? Let's try it again.

Alice, you got my eats. I'm starving. I know you're starving. That's why I'm

making you a salad. Okay. Better. But you don't want to move on the line

because it waters it down. Especially... Well, hold on. How can you got it if

you're not listening to me?

So let me get... All right? All right. Unless you're clairvoyant, which I don't

think you are. Because I know she's beautiful. Maybe she's... I don't know.

I'm all ears, Jackie.

All right, my dog.

Okay. Again.

Frank, now, if you're going to use... Frank, are you going to use this shot?

Because the table's not going to work here. You either got to move the table

or widen the shot. I got to work upstage so I can cross to the icebox.

Let's move the table.

Two feet, camera left.

Props? Can we please move the table? Three feet, camera left. Two feet,

camera left.

Yes, sir.

Three guys to move the table.

That's the union I got to be in.

Thank you, guys. You may want to rest.

All right.

Let's just hit it with the last one. Got it. Well, if you didn't make any bread,

what have you been doing all day?

Letting out the seat of your pants.

You're going to get yours, Alice.

Oh, you're going to get yours.

Okay,

that's your cue. Is there a problem?

No, I was just waiting for the laugh.

It's not an audience.

Just giving it a beat. Okay.

Take the beat. Please come in. I'm Bang Zoom. It'll help, okay? And remember,

creep up, okay? Sure. Take it from there. Oh, you're going to get yours.

You are going to get yours.

Bang Zoom!

Hey there, Ralph. Bah!

Why are you sneaking up behind me, Vaughn?

You know I ain't got any food in here. I could have passed right out.

Hi, Ralph. You might have a dinner here. They're painting my apartment, and I

can't stand the smell of paint.

That's great, Norton.

You know, I'm on a big diet that Alice has me on, and you come down with a

sandwich like that. Oh, that's a beauty.

I was hungry.

Yeah, we're hungry.

You're a riot, Norton.

You're a regular riot.

Well, you want a bite?

Get out!

Get out!

See what I'm telling you?

We have got to get this man on CBS.

When's his contract up at Dumont?

Charlie. That's easy enough to find out. Do it.

But is he representative of what our audience wants to see?

I don't know. I mean, he liked that Sullivan's charm.

But he's funny.

He may need to lose weight.

Yeah,

maybe a little heavy. I think he's perfect.

I think you're right.

Right. Let's get him for next season.

Okay. One of these days you're going bang zoom.

Whose idea was it to put ice in the Europe? I don't understand this. Look at

you. Look at you. The most important meeting we've ever had in our careers,

and lastly you decide you're going to go out drinking? What are you thinking?

There was nothing to watch on television. I wasn't on.

See, that's not funny.

Upstairs there's not some idiot producer. This is William Paley

upstairs. Look, I'll tell you what's not going to fly today. That's the yelling

in my head. You understand? Fine, I'm relaxed.

We just cannot blow this. You tell them not to blow it. Okay.

What's the matter, huh? You all right? I'm good. Hey, take it easy. I've got to

get something to eat. I'll tell you what. You stay down here. I'll get you a

sandwich and a cup of coffee, and I'll come down with you. I should have known

that long that I would stay down here. Okay, what do you want? You know what I

want. Make sure you get it for me or I walk.

Dad, I can barely stand.

Who wants a tipper? It's on Bill.

Promise me you'll get better scotch. Shut up, Bill, and get out. Better

scotch. I'll be a monkey's uncle. I don't even have a life.

You know? We've got a match. I don't have one. However, we feel Gatlin could

be a member of the PBS family. We feel the need to share his talent with the

biggest Australian club. He's coming in at those times.

Well, Dumont was the network who gave him the first shot. You understand that?

We want a full hour of the Jackie Gleason show.

We want all his characters, especially the sketch with the husband and wife.

The honeymooners. Yeah, yeah, very funny. You know, we also have interest

in NBC.

Ah, yeah, yeah, I know. They said you called them after...

We called you. March on entirely true.

All right, see? Half true. The man already knew.

He already knew. Why wouldn't he know? He's a network.

Mr. Paley, I've got to tell you something. I've got to be honest with

you. To be with CBS, for Jackie and I, huh, Jackie? It would be a big thrill.

It would be very exciting.

Well, we've got some stipulations we have to talk about first.

Such as?

You want an hour? It's going to be a big show. There's a creative area. Control.

Control of what? Put it right out there.

Of everything.

All right, fine. Just saying.

Could you be more specific?

What's more specific than everything?

Okay, let me draw it out for you. Writing, producing, directing.

I seem to have an affinity in the musical departments. So, choreography,

theme music.

What about the catering? Well, I could do a hell of a lot better than this,

I'll tell you that right now.

It's like a wake. Who died?

Okay. Here, run this through the lab. Okay, very good. But it's only fair that

we have some sort of final say.

Call NBC.

All right, gentlemen. Go outside and call them.

Check. Gentlemen, let's talk numbers.

Friedman.

Sit down. Give it a rest.

Okay.

For all starring and producing services, including the cost of... Friedman,

sorry, slow down just for a second.

Let him get out his magic pen.

You were saying, all producing services. For all starring and producing services.

including the cost of each episode, we are prepared to offer, for two seasons,

the sum of $11 million.

That's for two seasons, of course.

Naturally.

Well, how the hell am I supposed to live on that?

I'll cost you an extra five bucks. You gotta eat! Five bucks a joke.

Gentlemen,

allow me to introduce you to CBS's newest and brightest star.

Mr. Jackie Gleason.

Thank you very much, everybody. Bill, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to

be associated with a network who discovered Ed Sullivan.

Will you still be doing all of your... I'm sorry to interrupt you. Go ahead.

Will you do all your old characters?

Mr.

Gleason, will you still be doing all of your old characters from the Jackie

Gleason show?

When I say that like it's a bad thing, of course I'll be.

Is Art Carney going with you? I wouldn't go anywhere without Artie. Jackie, how's

Pert Kilton? She's doing better.

Refuses to sleep with me, but she'll learn.

No, Pert's fine. As you know, she had a little... Thank you very much. It's

about time you do something at the network.

No, she's better.

You know, there was a problem with her ticker, and the doctor says she should

take some time off, so we're going to be looking for a new Alice. And you know

how I love the audition process.

Are the rumors true that you've hired a physician to help you lose weight?

I'm planning on losing 180 pounds by getting rid of my manager.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He's 175.

Gentlemen, that's about all the time we have. Thank you very much.

And another thing, Ralph.

My mother can come stay with us any time she wants to, like it or not.

All right, Miss Meadows. Thank you. That was terrific.

I can do it any way you want, Mr. Gleason. No, no. That was wonderful.

Thank you for coming by. Audrey. Come on. Home run.

Great. Val is a great manager. Give him my best. I will. Thank you. You were

great. Okay.

See? What are you doing wasting my time with a dame like that for?

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Alice is a regular plain housewife from Brooklyn. She's a glamour push. She

belongs on the wall of an auto mechanic.

Not on the honeymoon. Seven. Bounce it. One. And two. And three. And four. A

five. Six. Turn it. Eight. And one. Two. And three. Four. Turn five.

Turn seven. Good. A one. Two. A three. Four. Five. Open out. Now right leg

kicks. Go one.

Keep it eye high. That's five. Six. Seven. Back me up. One. Two. Three.

Jackie enters. Five. Six. Seven. And hold.

Good, you guys. Very nice, girls. You're all fine.

Wonderful job.

Very nice, Jim.

Who's the new one?

That's my kid sister, Marilyn. You're kidding. No, you have to meet her.

Marilyn! Come here.

She's going to love this.

I'd like you to meet Jackie.

It's a pleasure.

I should have known those gams run in the family.

Yeah, you should see our brothers.

She's funny. We like that around here.

Welcome to the show.

Anything you need, please let me know.

Thank you. Good job, Jim.

What's that?

What do you mean?

It's a mink.

I thought you'd like it.

What am I supposed to do with it?

You're supposed to feed it and watch it grow.

Jen, it's for you. I want you to wear it. Come on.

Wear it around here?

Why don't you give it to one of your girlfriends?

You know, I don't even know what the hell you're talking about. Why don't you

quit reading those ridiculous magazines?

You know I hate the press. You think I don't know?

Oh, this is nice. This is the only picture you have of me. This is the one

where I got fired.

Geraldine likes it.

Oh, by the way, she keeps asking when her daddy's going to come and take her

to the park. What am I supposed to tell her, huh? The truth?

That daddy's running around with his girlfriend?

Well, I should have known better than to do something nice.

You can't pay us to be a family, Jackie.

You don't even live here anymore. You forgot Linda's birthday.

I tented a tricycle, didn't I?

Right. Right, Jackie.

Listen, the only reason why my hotel is up the street is because I work...

Best late at night. You know that. You think I'm stupid?

Go. Just leave.

Leave. Live wherever you want.

But I'm still your wife.

We got married in a church. We made a promise to God.

And I'm living by that.

Give my love to the girls.

My... mother can come stay with us anytime she wants. Like it or not.

That's interesting.

Thank you. And another thing, Ralph, my mother can come stay with us anytime she

likes. Like it or not.

Next. And another thing, Ralph, my mother can stay with home.

Like it or not.

Another thing, Ralph, my mother can come stay with us any time she wants to, like

it or not.

You want to go to the moon, Alice? You want to go to the moon? Yeah, and you're

just the blimp to take me there.

Very nice.

Very nice, everybody. We'll let you know real soon. Joe, John and Ella.

So, what do you think?

She was unbelievable. Who was she? I don't know who you're talking about.

What do you mean, the last one? The one right there, yes, the last one. Really?

She was standing in your office yesterday.

Want to run that by me again? Audrey Meadows, the one you said was too pretty

to be funny.

That's Audrey Meadows? Yes. She's unbelievable. Tell her she's got it.

That's Alice. Told you. Right now. Okay, Audrey.

All right, so just take a break. You look fine.

So how are you enjoying your time on the show?

Well, I feel the choreographer doesn't know what she's doing.

My friend's little sibling. Why don't we go out and grab a bike tonight?

Oh, I have to ask my boss.

Boss, can I go to dinner with you tonight?

If you want to keep your job, I highly recommend it.

I see them now. There it is.

There's the man.

I got him. I got him.

I got him.

I got him.

Okay,

Bob, you go to two.

Go to two, Bob.

Ready one.

Tell Pat to follow him. Pat, follow him. Ready? Three.

Go back to one.

One up. Ready? Two.

Wait. He's hurt.

Tell Bill to get off him. Stay on Carney. Bill, stay on Carney. Ready?

One.

I think we've got a little bit of a problem here.

East Coast viewers notified friends in the West.

about the mishap. In time to watch the rebroadcast, Ernie Gleason, his largest

audience ever.

I knew that I would have broken both legs in the first season.

What can I do to make you feel better? Well, I know what you can do to me. Oh,

you want to leave me.

Excuse me, am I interrupting something?

Hi, Jan.

Go sit down. I come here to see how you are, and instead I find... Who are you?

Sit down.

His girlfriend?

His lover?

His... date for the afternoon.

You know who I am?

I'm his wife, if that means anything to you.

I'm also the mother of his children.

How are they? In the hospital, Jackie.

Where everyone can see.

I broke my leg.

I want you out!

I am his wife and I belong here. You don't!

Jackie Gleason and I demand to be treated with respect.

Do you hear me?

Out!

I demand to be treated with respect.

Sit down.

All right, but Ronnie, that wall shouldn't be, it looks as dirty, it

should be as dirty as the other wall. That's too clean.

I'm doing it. Okay.

And the backdrop is a little... Hey, Bill. How are you? Better backdrop. How

are you? Hey, Sid.

Come on, pull up a chair.

The only way I can tell the backdrop is if you light it.

Put a light behind it. Does that look like Brooklyn to you? What do you know?

You grew up in Connecticut.

I'm running a little late here, Jackie. What can I do for you? Well, the variety

theme is getting a little stale with me.

Come on now, Jackie. The sponsors have been promised a variety theme. You want

me to tell them they love the show as it is?

Can I...

Are you okay over there? Be careful. Can I finish? Please.

The first half of the hour remains a variety theme.

The last 30 minutes, it's an entire episode of The Honeymooners, and they're

going to love it. Come on. That's too yellow.

The Honeymooners is just a sketch. It doesn't have the legs for 30 minutes.

Well, I beg to differ, Bill, because I get about 5,000 letters a week telling

me differently, so I want to give the people more of that. And I want to do it

on film instead of kinescope because it's a different grade. That bureau has

to go more towards the door, please, because I take my hat off.

I gotta be able to come in and put my stuff on it. Just so they can watch a

bus driver yelling at his wife for 30 minutes? You know what that's gonna

cost? I know exactly what it will cost. Come on, Jackie. You're not being

rational. It's too much of a risk. I'm willing to take it, Bill.

It's coming out of your end.

What's new? It always does. Could we play nice?

I'm going on record here. I think it's a big mistake.

Okay. Me too.

Okay. Do me a favor. Guys, turn around. Does that look like yellow?

If you say so, it's yellow. That's the answer I need.

Beige. Beige!

The color of Sid.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

What? Jack.

Come in.

What do you want?

Well, this letter came registered. I signed for it. It's from Herb Gleason in

Stony Brook, Connecticut.

Jack, please open the door, Jackie. I beg you. It's three minutes before we go

on.

Jackie!

Coming in.

Jackie?

Excuse me, fellas. Hey, all right, I know it's a long shot, but have you seen

Jackie? No, no, no. I don't see the great one until they yell, action. You

know that, Jack. I know.

Jackie, what are you doing here?

Jack Philbin is down in the studio right now, losing his mind.

Let's go downstairs. Come on. Did you send the stuff to Maryland?

Yeah, I sent the stuff to Maryland. That's done.

And? And nothing. Look, Jackie, I mean, really, kid, it's for the best.

Come on.

Come on.

You hear that?

Huh? No, what?

Listen,

you can get a cab on a Saturday night.

You know why?

Because everyone's at home in front of their televisions waiting to see me.

if you do this show, right?

Come on, you're right. No, I'm proud of you.

Are you, Bullets?

Of course I am. The whole world's proud of you.

Then why don't I feel it?

Feel it?

You don't want to know what I think.

You know, the whole time I was growing up, my father lived less than an hour

away.

And he never came to see me once.

But it was because he felt ashamed.

The whole time I thought it was me.

He's the one that lived out his life.

Try telling that to an eight-year-old kid.

All right, come on.

Let's go for it.

Jackie Gleason, The Honeymooner, with the stars Art

Carney, Audrey Meadow, and Joyce

Randolph.

Hiya, Alice.

What's for supper? Hiya, sweetie.

I made your favorite.

Fried chicken?

Well, thank you, Alice.

I got your paper for you, too.

Would you like me to read it for you?

No?

Oh, and I got your bowling ball out for you, and I got it all shined up. I

thought maybe you and Ed might want to go bowling later.

I shined up your bowling shoes for you, too.

Are you comfy, sweetums?

Oh, and by the way... Ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

By the way, Hans, all right, what's by the way?

All right, Ralph. The Nortons are getting a new television set, and I was

just thinking, why don't we get one, too? We've been through this before, and

I'm not buying a television set.

Ed Norton makes the same money you do, and you know what they have? They have a

washing machine. They have a vacuum cleaner. They have a television set.

They even have an electric stove.

You're right, Alice.

They got all those things, and they got one more thing that we ain't got.

Worries.

And you want to know why, Alice? Because every week, Norton has to go down there

to pay for those things.

Well, I got peace of mind, Alice. That's what I got, and I'm socking my money

away. You know what it is now? It's going up, up, up.

We got $75 laying around.

$75! And he's got all that stuff, but I got mine right here.

Yeah, you got it here, and you got it right here.

those jokes on the moon, because that's where you're going, Alice.

Bang! Boom!

I don't want to hear no more about the television set. That's it.

I want a television set, and I'm going to get a television set. I want to look

at Liberace.

Well, why don't you get Liberace? I'll buy you the television set.

Take me to your... Ah!

I'm going to take that off, Norton.

Space Ranger, third class in the Captain Video Space Academy.

I don't know, Ralph. Maybe it's time you did something nice for Alice for a

change.

Do something nice for Alice? Why don't you look around?

Well, you know, face it, Ralph. This place is no Taj Mahal.

Just buy her a TV set and put her right there.

Thank you, everybody.

I'm going to hand it to Art Conley, Greg Randolph, Audrey Meadows, John

Honeymoor, ladies and gentlemen.

God bless. Thank you.

next week everybody good night

how

can that be funny You have got no

sense of humor.

Oh, yes, I do. I married you, didn't I? I'm the king around here.

You're nothing. Maybe it's time you did something nice for Alice for a change.

Alice, don't you understand?

This is the biggest thing I ever got into.

You're being a Weisenheimer, Alice.

What do you think?

I think you're nuts.

I'm a man from Spain.

The trouble with you, you're not up with the latest developments.

Who is it that lets out your pants every other day?

Raquel! Who are you?

You are a blabbermouth!

I understand for the future.

Who are you?

You blabbermouth!

I wouldn't send a night out on a dive like this.

First step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.

Hello, ball!

Run, will you? Come on!

I wouldn't set the night out on a dog like this. Don't you get it? No, I don't

get it. I don't think it's funny.

When did you ever catch anything?

Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.

You have got no sense of humor.

I married you, didn't I?

Who needs food? We can live on love.

Killer. I call you killer because you slay me.

And I'm calling Bellevue because you're not.

All right, Ralph. I'm just trying to be like Rita, the kind of girl you admire.

The only reason why I was throwing a charm on Rita is because her husband

Bert is the general manager of the depot.

Well, that may explain you being so attentive to Rita, Ralph, but it doesn't

explain something much more important.

It doesn't explain why in all these years you never once made me feel like

your sweetheart or even noticed how I look.

I wish you had an explanation for that, Ralph.

Oh, how I wish you had an explanation for that.

I do have an explanation.

I'm a moat.

I love you, sweetheart.

Honestly.

Baby, you're the greatest.

Oh, Ralph.

When you see one of these episodes, do you miss it?

Sometimes.

If I see it.

Any regrets?

I sometimes wonder if I should have done another season of The Honeymooners.

And then there's a part of me that felt I played it right by going out on top

when I did. I wish I was there more for my family in those days, but I was so

driven.

And I paid for it.

And unfortunately, I'm sure they did too. The good news is I got the girl in

the end, which is rare for a buffoon, but Marilyn and I worked it out, and

we're about to celebrate nine years of bliss, if you will.

Anything else?

So, Jackie, are you the great one?

Well, I'll tell you what.

Let's go downstairs. We'll shoot a little pool, and you tell me.

Bring your wallet.

Hmm.