Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) I told you before, Bob, I hate this

game.

What's your problem?

Come on, it won't hurt you.

Just take a guess.

Look, would you please just leave me alone?

Look, I'll set it up for you.

I'm on the fourth floor.

I go into old man Hennessy's apartment, and

guess what I find in his drain?

I don't know.

A head.

Yeah, but from what?

Excuse me, I don't like to complain, but

you guys are sitting here drinking coffee, and

I've been waiting for 20 minutes.

I can't even get a glass of water.

What do you have to do to get

service around here?

Well, we don't work here.

Well, where's the dog head girl that runs

this place?

She's not here anymore.

The diner's closed.

What the hell am I doing here?

Think that's a question you gotta ask yourself?

You know, do you think that's a question

we should be asking ourselves?

Let's not look under that rock, okay?

I'm gonna have to look under that rock

eventually.

Ever since Reggie left, my business is dead.

Yeah, but look at it this way.

A couple of months ago, you didn't think

your business could get any worse, and now

it has.

Well, what does that mean?

It means that just because you think you've

hit bottom doesn't mean you have.

Well, then how do I know when I

have hit bottom?

When you spend your days picking heads out

of people's drains.

I think, uh, Chris isn't here, is she?

No, she hasn't been in yet.

She usually stops by on her way to

work.

Why?

Good.

I want to make sure she sees me

sitting here looking very casual.

Well, what's going on?

Well, I finally figured out a way to

get her to go out with me.

Does that involve you dying and coming back

to someone she likes?

She likes me.

She just won't admit it.

Man, are you kidding yourself?

I mean, even I know when a girl

doesn't like me.

Oh, yeah?

What tips you off?

The running or the screaming?

That story is completely false.

That girl did not run away.

She walked, briskly.

All I know is I got a great

plan.

The second she walks in here, she's gonna

notice this movie I rented.

I didn't know you had a VCR.

I just got one, and I was waiting

for the prices to come down.

As soon as Chris comes in and notices

this video, she's gonna say, Oh, I've been

dying to see that.

Well, how do you know?

Because she's a woman, and this is a

French film about a bunch of people who

sleep together, eat some snails, and die.

What?

All right, and I happen to hear Chris

mention that she really wants to see this.

You still haven't answered the question of why

she'd want to watch it with you.

Because I think she really wants to go

out with me, but she's still pissed about

this whole me sleeping with Reggie thing.

You know, this would be the perfect opportunity

for her to, you know, save face and

still get what she wants.

Which is you.

Yeah, even you see that.

Here she comes.

You know, I'm out of here.

I can't watch this.

Hey, I'm here for you.

Do me a favor.

Be over there for me.

Hey, Bob.

Chris?

Chris?

John.

Haven't seen you around the building lately.

Then my plan must be working.

Anybody running this place yet?

No, no, not yet.

But there's some fresh coffee, you know.

Oh, I love this.

Yeah, I thought you might.

That panda at the Bronx Zoo finally had

a cub.

What do I take so long to get

pregnant?

Probably hard to find someone to do it

with a panda.

Will you pass me the sugar?

Is this yours?

What?

Oh, yeah, I guess it is, yeah.

Oh my gosh, I've always wanted to see

this.

Really?

I wouldn't have thought you'd like it, though.

You know, being a French film and all.

Well, there are two things you don't know

about me.

You know, I'm a film buff, and I

speak French.

Vraiment?

Tu parles français?

Anyway, I'm planning to watch that tonight.

You know, you're welcome to come up to

my place and watch it with me.

You know, if you don't have anything better

to do.

Well, who knows?

If I'm not too busy, maybe I will.

Oh, good, good.

Never hurts to have someone to split the

cost of the rental.

I make a joke.

Morning, John.

Morning.

Do you have any idea how brilliant I

am?

Well, John, I know you're a very talented

physician.

No, no, no.

No one cares about that.

I figured out how to get Chris to

go out with me.

See, I got a bottle of wine here.

I got some crackers, some cheese, and a

French film.

Oh, so you have a date.

Well, Chris is coming over, but it's not

really a date.

Well, it is a date for me, but

not for her.

Well, what is it for her?

Well, for her, it's a drop-by.

But if it goes well, it could turn

into a date.

But why isn't it a date already?

Because she didn't want to go out with

me.

You know, if she thought it were a

date, she would never drop by.

And if she didn't drop by, it couldn't

possibly turn into a date.

See?

Were there originally two bottles of wine in

that bag?

So you don't actually have a date with

Chris.

This is more of a trap with cheese

and wine.

And crackers.

John, this isn't like you.

It's so calculated, so crazy.

You know what?

You're absolutely right.

Yeah, cheese and crackers, that is so pretentious.

That's not me.

Who do I think I am?

Frazier?

Okay, Kelly, I'm just going to take your

blood pressure, and then I'll send the doctor

in.

Most of your numbers look just fine.

Oh, my God.

What?

What is it?

What's wrong?

Those shoes are so cute.

You have to tell me where you got

them.

I don't remember.

Is it that you don't remember, or you're

afraid to tell me?

Why would I be afraid to tell you?

Oh, come on.

You see someone walking around town with the

same shoes as you, suddenly you're not so

special.

No.

Really, I don't remember.

Really?

The best shoes ever, and you don't remember

where you got them.

I remember what I had for breakfast the

day I got these shoes, and I don't

even like them.

Is that supposed to be so tight?

I don't remember.

Thank you, Kelly.

Ah, that's starting to pinch.

Was it Bloomingdale's?

Macy's?

I don't know.

Bergdorf's?

Look, this isn't funny.

I don't remember.

Arnie's?

I don't know.

Hey, Bloomingdale's.

All right, then.

So, how's it going in here?

Everything seems just fine, Dr. Becker, although her

blood pressure is a little high.

Well, you may want to cut back on

red meat.

And the big fat lies.

Hey, Junior, give me a hand here.

Hello?

Hey, how about using one of your thumbs

to open this door for me?

The future of our country is in big

trouble.

Hey, kid.

Remember how I hit your skateboard when you

were making too much noise?

Well, I know where you keep your bike.

Oh, hey, Chris.

I went out and got a lot of

takeout for tonight.

I didn't know whether you liked steamed or

fried dumplings, so I got them both.

And, uh, not that you don't look great,

but, you know, I was thinking we'd be

a little more casual.

What are you talking about?

You know, sweats, maybe something in the jaw

string.

Okay.

What are we talking about?

Tonight.

You, me, the movie.

Remember?

You said you were going to drop by.

Oh, if I didn't have something better to

do.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, well, I do.

A guy I know has invited me out

to dinner at Le Cirque and then to

the theater.

And you're going?

Yeah.

Yeah, he should be here any minute.

You accepted a date from somebody else after

accepting a date from me?

No, that wasn't a date.

That was a drop-by.

Oh, please.

Anybody with half a brain knows what that

means.

Of course it was a date.

You don't think I rented that insipid movie

for myself, do you?

Just wait.

It's all in French.

Hon, hon, hon.

Besides, if you want to go out with

someone, you ask them properly.

Oh, fine.

All right, princess.

Do you want to come up to my

apartment and watch a movie?

No, I have a date.

See ya.

All right.

Hey, get back here.

Get back here?

Fine.

Get back here, please.

Hey, come on, Chris.

I went through a lot of trouble here.

You know, I think you're being very rude.

Yes, I am.

I have someone outside waiting for me.

Good night.

No, come on.

Hey, what am I supposed to do with

two dozen egg rolls?

Do you really want me to tell you?

As I mentioned, I have a date.

Oh, yeah.

Well, don't think you've won because you haven't.

You know, I have.

Yeah, I got all the Chinese food and

the movie.

All you got is...

my biggest stretch limo I've ever seen.

Loser.

Linda, where have you been?

We've got a room full of patients.

I'm sorry, Margaret.

I know I'm late, but I'm a little

upset.

I had a horrible, horrible experience this morning.

Is everything all right?

Where were you?

Bloomingdale's.

That patient who was in here yesterday with

the cute shoes, she told me that's where

she got them, so I ran down there

on my way to work.

And guess what?

Bloomingdale's never even heard of those shoes.

Can you believe it, Margaret?

She looked at me right in the eyes

and lied to me.

I'm guessing you're not as outraged as I

am.

Just take the next patient back.

Mrs. Collins?

Hi, nice to see you.

Come on back.

What a beautiful necklace.

Where did you get that?

I don't remember.

Really?

Have you had your blood pressure checked lately?

So, did you have a good time last

night with Chris?

No, I did not have a good time

last night with Chris.

Sorry I asked, but I know you're going

to want to bitch about it eventually, so

let's just get it over with.

No need to bitch.

Some guy in a fancy limo came by,

picked her up and took her out to

dinner.

And she went?

Instead of watching a video on your lumpy

couch and eating greasy takeout?

What's wrong with that girl?

I don't know, Margaret.

I don't know.

I tell you, that movie sucked, though.

Well, then why did you watch it?

Well, I had to.

Oh, right, right, right.

You already paid for it.

You know, I'll tell you, the worst part

of the evening was how stupid she made

me look.

Now, that's it.

You know, I've tried every way I know

to romance that woman.

I'm not going to waste another minute of

my time.

I am done.

Even more done than you were the last

time you said you were done?

Way more done.

Why are you following me?

Because I know you're not done.

Oh, now, believe me, I am.

God, I hate her so much.

I don't think so.

I think you like her.

Like, hate, it's all the same thing.

John, if you really care for her, then

find some sane way to show her how

you feel.

What do you mean?

Like camping out in the laundry room?

I said sane.

Do something to make her take notice.

Some sort of grand gesture.

Oh, please, like one of those losers who

takes his girlfriend to the ballgame just so

she can look up at the jumbotron and

say, I love you, Wanda.

Who's Wanda?

Usually two hours late, you miss everything.

John, you know what I'm talking about.

Flowers, candy, poetry.

Go down to that dress shop where she

works and tell her how you feel.

You know what a guy did for me

once?

He showed up at my apartment at 2

a.m. wearing nothing but a fur coat.

I'm not gonna put on a fur coat,

Linda.

Well, you can't just go naked.

It'll ruin the surprise.

Forget it.

This is all stupid.

It's just not me.

It's ridiculous.

It's romantic.

Think about it.

Van Gogh cut off his ear for a

woman.

Yeah, well, maybe he was just tired of

listening to her talk.

So get this.

Mr. and Mrs. Berman and 4J, they have

a fight.

She throws her wedding ring down the toilet

and then they call me to climb in

and fish it out.

Bob, do you really think I care that

you spent your morning in a toilet?

You can't see this place.

Trust me, so did you.

Got any coffee?

Nope, sorry.

When I finish this cup of coffee here,

the diner will have officially been picked clean.

If I don't get somebody to run it

soon, this place will go out of business

and they'll take me with it.

But we need this place.

It's the glue that holds us together.

Maybe there is an upside to going out

of business.

Hey, Becker, Jake's trying to figure out a

way to make this place profitable.

You got any ideas?

Got any matches?

Yeah, as if this place is insured.

So, Pepe Le Pew, how did your French

movie night go?

It was fine.

It went fine.

Liar.

Chris was in here before.

She told us everything.

Yeah, you got hosed.

Why is everybody so involved in my life?

Because it's impossible to take your eyes off

a train wreck.

Alright, alright.

Look, let me ask you guys something.

Have you ever tried to get a woman's

attention by making some kind of grand gesture?

What do you mean?

You know, a very big gesture.

You mean like serenading her outside her window

or renting out an entire restaurant for a

candlelit dinner?

Or sending her a picture of yourself with

a gun in your mouth?

It wasn't loaded.

And it didn't work.

So...

You know what I'm talking about, right?

That stuff's pathetic.

Oh, of course it's pathetic.

You know, I'd do just fine with a

bottle of red wine, a little Miles Davis,

and a heartbreaking story of how I lost

my sight on a mission for the CIA.

You weren't in the CIA.

Luckily, I'm not hitting on you.

Alright, fellas.

I gotta go.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Take care, Jake.

So, Becker, you're not really gonna try some

stupid stunt to get Chris interested, are you?

No, no, I'm through playing that game.

Besides, she's made it pretty clear that she's

not interested in me.

Well, take it from me.

When that happens, just forget it.

Otherwise, you just make a fool out of

yourself.

No kidding.

I can do that on my own.

I don't need her for that.

So, Becker, look, you're alone, I'm alone.

Why don't we hang out tonight?

We can get a pizza and give each

other haircuts.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak to Chris Conner.

Well, she's working right now, but if you'd

like to wait, she'll be taking her break

in about 45 minutes.

Yeah, there's no way I'm hanging around some

frou-frou clothing store for 40...

Oh, never mind.

There she is.

You can't go over there.

She's with a customer.

Yeah, it's okay.

I'm a doctor.

What does that mean?

It means don't question me.

I'm a doctor.

Those pants look great on you.

Really?

Mm.

They seem a little tight.

Well, let me see if I got another

size in back.

Hey, Chris, hi.

What...

What are you doing here?

Wait, is this another date I didn't know

about?

Well, no, no.

I-I came here to give you these.

Why?

You're not supposed to say why.

You're supposed to say thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

I'll, uh, I'll get you those pants now.

No, no, no, she won't.

Listen, I also got you these chocolates here.

Why?

I mean, thank you, but why?

Excuse me.

Do you think these would look good on

me?

No, they make you look fat.

Now, go away.

You didn't mean that.

I'll be with you in a second.

Look, you have to leave.

Not-not yet, Chris.

I want...

Come here.

Look, last night, when I asked you to

come up and look at that movie, it

was a dumb way of asking you on

a date.

And this is the smart way?

Look, you know, I'm trying to be nice

here.

Will you shut up and listen?

Do you want to go on a date

with me?

No.

What do you mean, no?

Okay, no way in hell.

Does that make it any clearer?

No.

Well, too bad.

Uh, now, where were we?

Uh, you were gonna get me those pants.

Look, here, just try these.

Chris, you're gonna have to ask your boyfriend

to leave.

Oh, no, believe me, he is not my

boyfriend.

Hey, just give me a second here, will

you, sweetheart?

Look, don't you see what just happened?

I came all the way down here and

I made a grand gesture.

Yes, I see that, but I'm not interested.

But I gave you flowers and candy and

I, you know, I almost wrote you a

poem.

Well, actually, I did, but it's kind of

stupid.

You know, let me get this straight.

I'm just supposed to melt because you came

down here and made a gesture.

A grand gesture.

Oh, your five wilted roses and a box

of drugstore chocolates.

What woman could resist?

You know what, John?

You deserve much more than a date.

Like what?

Like me.

Right here, right now.

What?

Come on.

Let's make love.

What?

Chris, what is going on here?

I'm taking my break early.

You are out of your mind.

I have never been more serious in my

life.

John, take me, take me now.

Do you have these in blue?

I'll be with you in a moment.

This shouldn't take long at all.

You know, from the minute I met you,

I knew there was something weird about you.

I just didn't know what it was.

Now I do.

You're crazy.

Me?

Yeah, you.

Me?

What about you?

You just don't stop.

You keep asking me out.

I keep saying no.

You're like one of those little wind-up

toys that keeps bumping into the walls, but

the little legs keep moving.

Once and for all, John, I don't want

to go out with you.

Now just leave.

I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Okay, I'm ready.

Fine.

I'm done.

What does it take to get through to

you?

So you want to see those in blue?

Jake, you'll never guess what I found in

my building.

No, stop right there, okay?

If you found something in someone's drain or

someone's toilet, I don't want to hear about

it, okay?

Just promise me it's not one of those

stories.

No, this is nothing like that.

There was this little baby bird on the

front stoop, and it must have fallen out

of its nest because it was hopping around

like it was hurt or something.

So I taped up his leg.

I sat up with him all night long.

Then this morning, I took him outside, I

put him in the palm of my hand,

and I watched him fly away.

Wow.

That's a sweet story.

Now I'm lying.

I found him and I locked him in

the toilet.

Well, it's official.

Chris is out of her mind.

You know, all I did was give her

flowers and candy, and she instantly flopped on

her back and started yelling, take me, take

me.

What kind of flowers?

She was mocking me, Bob.

She was making ass fun of me in

the middle of a clothing store.

Well, you know what?

You know what?

I'm glad.

I dodged a big fat bullet on this

one.

I'll tell you, if I never see her

or talk to her again, I'll be a

very happy man.

Coffee.

I made it fresh.

Yeah, what the hell are you doing here?

And why did you just come out of

that kitchen?

I've been waiting all morning for this.

Well, thanks to a visit I got at

work from some pompous, self-involved jackass, I

got fired.

And then Jake told me that Reggie was

still looking for somebody to run this place,

so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Jake, how could you do this?

I was going broke.

I could've lost everything.

Yeah, but this is very uncomfortable for me.

You want coffee or not?

Fine.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I'm new here.