Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Morning, Jay.

Hey, John.

What's going on?

All right, let's cut to the chase.

You want to know if Chris has been

in yet?

I don't care whether Chris has been in.

You know, I don't think about her.

In fact, I was saying to myself on

the way over here, I don't care a

thing about Chris.

But if you've got some deep need to

talk about her, you know, go ahead.

She hasn't been in yet.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

Don't talk to me.

I'm too upset.

Don't even ask, because I'm not going to

talk about it.

All right, if you must know, I just

saw Chris naked.

Naked?

Really?

Well, I could care less, but I'm sure

Jake would like to hear all about it.

Okay.

I went up to her place to fix

her faucet.

That's all.

I swear on my mother's life, which, as

you know, is shaky, but you get my

sincerity.

Didn't she knock?

She said she wouldn't be home, so I

didn't knock.

Why would I knock?

Nobody's home.

But she was home.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

What kind of person stands in their bathroom

naked?

Jeez, Bob, you're acting like you've never seen

a naked woman before.

Of course I have, but Chris is different.

She's a woman who talks to me.

You've never talked to a naked woman before?

I've talked to lots of women on the

phone who told me they were naked.

Don't you knock?

You weren't supposed to be there.

But I was there, wasn't I?

Look, Chris, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to see you.

I was there to see you plumbing.

And when I say plumbing, I don't mean...

Oh, man, I feel like such an ass.

I need a boob.

Oh, God!

Okay, fellas, let's get this over with.

I'm sure Bob regaled you with stories about

my body in great graphic detail.

So what do you say?

Well, he told us that it happened, but

that was it.

Come on, you don't have to spare my

feelings.

We'd never do that.

Honestly, Chris, Bob didn't say a word.

You expect me to believe he didn't race

down here and tell you everything?

It's the truth.

Come on, I know how guys talk.

You and your locker room gossip.

The winks between you, the elbows and the

ribs, the snickering.

You know what?

I think that's a little offensive that you

think we're a bunch of cavemen who sit

around grunting about what women look like naked.

All right, fine.

If I misjudged you, and I'm pretty sure

I haven't.

I'm sorry.

We do talk about women that way, don't

we?

Of course we do.

Good, because I was picturing her naked the

whole time she was here.

Since when do you wear glasses?

I don't.

Then what are those?

They just look good.

They don't do anything.

Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.

They just give me so many different looks.

I can be smart, sporty, thoughtful, or, if

I meet a really cute guy...

Easy?

Easier.

Just tell me who's up first, please.

Um...

Mr. Hollenbeck.

Oh, good.

John, you're back.

I've got a message for you.

It's about Mr. Humphreys.

Oh, geez.

Crusty pain in the ass.

What is it this time?

Does he have an ingrown toenail and want

to be medevaced to the Mayo Clinic?

No, he...

Does he have a pimple and think it's

a tumor?

I mean, the guy is such a hypochondriac.

He's rude and he's demanding.

Why don't we just dump him on some

other doctor?

John!

I'm telling you, Margaret, he's driving me crazy.

He calls me like three times a week

to tell me he's dying.

Well, this time his cardiologist agrees with him.

He had emergency bypass surgery.

Oh.

Well, wait a minute.

His last EKG was perfect.

Well, you know as well as I do,

it happens.

They, um...

They don't expect him to last the night.

He's asked to see you.

All right, yeah, of course.

I'll drop by Brock's North on my way

home.

No, actually, he's at Harborview on Staten Island.

Staten Island?

This time of day, it's going to take

me hours just to get there.

Well, then you better get going.

I'll reschedule the rest of the patients.

Thank you, Margaret.

I told you I was sick.

Well, that's the thing about being a hypochondriac.

Eventually, you're going to be right.

How are you feeling?

Well, I must be doing better.

They gave me another machine.

Are you in any pain?

Are you kidding?

They cracked open my chest and played handball

with my heart.

Seemed like a nice thing to ask, all

right?

Well, all right, all right.

I suppose I should thank you for coming

all the way here.

I damn near didn't make it.

I had to take two trains, a ferry,

and a bus.

You should have done what I did, collapse

on the sidewalk and take an ambulance.

Remember that for the ride home.

You know how I used to call you

with a headache and you'd say, ah, shut

up, it's nothing?

Then I called you with heartburn and you

said, ah, shut up, it's nothing.

I never told you to shut up.

Well, you hung up on me once, so

I wouldn't have to tell you to shut

up.

Any chance this is nothing?

I'm sorry.

Well, I'll say this for you.

That's the first straight answer I got today.

I'll be honest.

I'm a little afraid.

Would it help if I stay here with

you for a while?

What, do you think you could be here

when I vote, you know?

I'll try.

I promise.

You know you got little girly hands.

Hey, Jake.

Hey.

Chris isn't here, is she?

Nope.

Thank God.

I don't know what to say to her.

I still feel so embarrassed about the other

day.

Hi, Bob.

I thought you said she wasn't here.

I was wrong.

I'm blind.

Give me a break.

Look, Chris, about the other day...

No, it does.

I mean, seeing you naked was horrible.

I've been having nightmares about it.

If I could go back in time, I'd

poke my eyes out.

No offense.

Horrible?

Nightmares?

Poke your eyes out?

Is that your idea of an apology?

I thought it was.

Was my body that hideous?

I work out six days a week.

Yoga, Taibo, Pilates.

I'm on my third buns of steel tape.

And I watch what I eat, too.

I was a vegetarian for six whole months.

Okay, I snuck an occasional piece of sushi

and a cupcake.

But if I can't get one lewd comment

from a horny little super, my God, what's

the point of it all?

What the hell was that?

If I do the wrong thing, it's wrong.

If I do the right thing, it's wrong.

So lucky, Jake.

Safe in your dark, lonely world, free from

the burden of sight.

Well, you know, Bob, things weren't always this

rosy.

Once, when I was 15, before I went

blind, I accidentally walked in on my Aunt

Leona while she was putting on her bra.

Or maybe it was a hammock.

Well, all I know is that she was

strapping on something huge.

Now, my first instinct was to run, but,

well, my feet, they were just frozen.

I just stood in that doorway staring at

my fat, naked Aunt.

Then later, during Thanksgiving dinner, I asked her

to pass me some turkey.

She gave me a breast, and she winked

at me.

I don't get how this relates to my

problem with Chris.

Let me ask you something.

Is Chris 300 pounds with a size 56

triple-D bra?

No.

Trust me.

You got off easy.

Hi, Jim.

Horrible.

Just horrible.

Took me three hours to get there, three

hours talking to Humphreys, who's just as charming

as ever, and then three hours to get

home.

Do I have girly hands?

Actually, you kind of do.

Oh.

I haven't slept all night.

I guess I shouldn't complain.

I'm lucky to be alive, which is probably

more than I can say for Mr. Humphreys.

No, no, not really.

The hospital called.

He made her through the night just fine.

Really?

Well, they say the human spirit is something

or other.

He'd like to see you again tonight.

Tonight?

Oh, that's a hell of a long trip

out there.

Did they happen to say exactly how alive

he still is?

Tom!

All right, all right, I'll go.

Actually, you know what, Margaret?

We were talking last night.

He said how fond he was of you.

He asked for you.

Now, you only have a few patients waiting.

I'll just reschedule the rest.

All I want to know is when I'm

dying, who's going to come see me?

Trust me, there'll be a crowd.

Took you long enough.

Nice to see you, too, Mr. Humphreys.

Glad you're still with us.

You look like hell.

I had a pretty rough trip.

My subway got stuck in the tunnel and

all the lights went out.

Oh, that must have been scary.

Hey!

I flatlined, and they had to bring in

the crash cart.

All right, all right, all right.

You win, you win.

So, how you feeling?

Oh, a little better, believe it or not.

I think seeing you last night helped.

Good, good.

I'm glad.

Would you mind just reading something to me?

Sure, I guess.

What, you got a favorite book or a

magazine or something?

Uh-huh.

How about the Bible?

Oh, the Bible?

No, no, no.

I'm not really a Bible kind of guy.

Come to think of it, neither are you.

Well, I hear it can be very comforting.

Are you going to help me out or

not?

Which part do you want me to read?

Just start at the beginning.

In the beginning...

God created the heavens and the earth.

And the earth was without form and void,

and the darkness was upon the face of

the deep.

And the spirit of God...

Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Sonny and

Cher, and the Hebrews escaped from Egypt on

the 10 o'clock ferry.

Hello, Mr. Humphreys.

Just need to take a little blood.

Have a little consideration.

The man's finally getting some rest.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm actually glad to be awake.

I don't want to miss one word of

the Bible.

Oh.

You're reading the Bible?

You know, I'm sure some of our other

patients would take comfort in that.

Would you mind if I brought them in?

No, no.

Look, this is a private moment between my

patient and myself.

Absolutely not.

And behold, I, even I, do bring a

flood of waters to destroy all flesh.

And everything that is the earth shall die.

Bring it on, Lord.

What's going on?

Let me ask you something.

Is Chris sitting there with anybody?

No, she's alone.

Oh, my God.

She's doing all that eating by herself?

All I've heard for the last hour is

chewing and burping.

All right, look, I'm going in.

Chris, uh, are you okay?

Never better.

Since no one seems to notice when I

do everything right, why bother?

Why bother?

Are you doing all this because of me?

Let's face it, Bob.

If you didn't even notice how good I

look, what chance do I have of anyone

else?

Look, Chris, you can't do this.

I mean, I might see you naked again.

You know, and if I want to see

fat, I'll go upstairs to Mrs. Goldman.

Trust me, I have an open invitation.

Chris, you have to stay the way you

are.

Look...

I was just trying to show you some

respect.

Yeah, well, good for you.

Honestly, you've got the calves of a stripper,

the thighs of a mud wrestler, and the

abs of a semi-legitimate masseuse.

I'm just saying that.

Oh, yeah?

How about this?

You've got one of the all-time great

asses.

What was that?

You've got a great ass.

Bob, you have no idea how that makes

me feel.

Thank you!

You're welcome.

You hear that, Jake?

Got it.

Great ass.

Hey!

If anybody needs me, I'll be at the

gym.

What about her boobs, Bob?

Oh, right.

Wait up!

Oh, no glasses today?

Turns out glasses are over.

Everybody's getting that new laser surgery to have

their vision corrected permanently, so that's what I

did.

Oh, please don't tell me that you...

Of course I didn't.

I just pretended.

So, you got rid of fake glasses and

got fake surgery, all to get back to

the perfect vision you had in the first

place.

Well, it doesn't happen right away.

It takes a couple of days for your

eyes to adjust.

Oh, come on, Mr. Jackson.

You can't be surprised that old lady hit

you.

Any moron knows you take Viagra at home

not right before you get on a crowded

bus.

Oh, no.

John, you have been beating up on patients

all morning.

You think after reading the Bible, you might

have learned something.

Oh, yeah, I learned that old people fart

and they don't even know it.

That good book of yours, Margaret, just goes

on and on.

Plagues and floods and frogs and vermin...

Yeah, it's the Bible that goes on and

on.

And all I know is, you know, I

missed the last ferry last night and I

had to take a cab ride home that

cost me 50 bucks.

Before, you said 49.

It was including tip.

Doctor's office.

Oh, it's Mr. Humphrey's cardiologist.

Yes?

Yes.

I'll tell him.

Dead or alive?

It's a miracle.

You didn't answer my question.

Alive.

Don't tell me.

He wants to see me again tonight.

John, we are talking about a man who's

dying.

No, we're talking about a man who if

he has to go to Staten Island one

more time may kill himself.

John, you promised that you would be with

him.

Yeah, and I meant it, too, when I

thought that he was gonna check out the

first night.

John, you are terrible.

Come on.

You know, there's a limit to compassion and

I passed it, like, three days ago.

Well, I suppose you're right.

It is a lot to ask you to

go out there every single night.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

I mean, you can't keep doing this forever.

No, I can't, you know.

I've got my own life, you know.

Well, I do.

Oh, you know what?

Fine, I'll go.

Tell Mr. Humphreys I've been praying for him.

Yeah, well, stop it.

Take something else.

I don't care what happens.

This is the last time I'm going out

there.

I mean it.

Rain, honey.

Lay out a girl.

Hey, Dr. Becker.

You know, coming here every night the way

you do is just so nice.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a real saint.

How's he doing?

He's hanging in there.

Oh, of course he is.

Did you bring the root beer?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Brought your root beer.

Oh, great.

The last root beer I'll ever have and

he brings me generic.

It's all the same stuff.

Plus, it's cheaper.

All right, so what are we going to

do tonight?

Well, actually, I'd like you to read me

this.

Ten thousand reasons to smile.

Oh, God.

Puppy kisses, rainbows, snowmen.

This is like ten thousand reasons to step

in front of a bus.

My grandson gave me that book, but if

it's not good enough for you, fine.

How about this?

Tuesdays with Maury.

Yeah, it's good.

It's about a young man visiting an old

guy on his deathbed.

Why do we have to read about it?

We're living it.

That book is about a thoughtful young man.

Yes, I know.

Who doesn't like Tuesdays with Maury?

I've got no problem with Tuesdays.

It's all the rest of the days of

the week I'm having trouble with.

Do you have any idea what it's taken

for me to get out of here every

night for two weeks?

I've had to cancel patients.

I've spent a fortune on transportation and tonight

on the ferry, some drunk puked all over

my shoes.

Well, maybe you'll have an easier trip tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

No, dammit.

I can't come tomorrow.

You have to.

Why?

It's not going to make any difference.

Look at your chart.

All I know is they keep telling me

I'm going to die.

Then you visit me and I wake up

the next morning.

Oh, it's like you're my good luck charm.

Trust me, you're not a lucky man.

Look at your chart.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just can't keep coming back.

I don't have the time.

You don't have the time?

You...

So, this is difficult for you.

Yes, yes, it is.

Yeah, so, what you're saying is it's inconvenient.

Yes, yes, it is.

Do you have any idea how many hours

I wasted in your office?

What?

I sat so long in your office waiting

for you to check my prostate I got

hemorrhoids.

And another time I spent the whole afternoon

just waiting for a lousy physical while you

were screaming on the phone to the cable

company.

And how many hours have I listened to

you rant on and on about George Bush,

Bill Clinton, and George Bush again?

Please don't talk to me about inconvenience.

The cable guy said he was going to

be there between 10 and 12.

The way I figure it, you owe me.

Look, Mr. Humphrey...

Besides!

You promised.

Yeah, but that's when I thought that you...

Summer rain.

Flying kites.

Day at the zoo.

It's too bright in here.

Turn off that light.

The switch is broken.

You have to unplug it.

It's the plug on the right.

I know, I know.

I know, I know.