Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Excuse me.

Oh, you.

Yeah, me.

Would you mind putting that out?

What, this?

Yeah, that.

The smoke's coming right in my window.

Well, here's a thought.

Close your window.

Well, I could close my window, but I

shouldn't have to on a warm evening like

this just because my neighbor has chosen to

pollute his lungs and everything around him.

Yeah, well, thanks, but you don't have to

worry about my lungs.

It's a cigar.

You don't inhale cigar smoke.

Well, I'm sure inhaling it.

Well, you should try not to do that.

Well, I don't seem to have much choice.

Well, I gave you my window idea.

I don't know what else to tell you.

Don't you think you're being a little childish?

How many children do you know smoke cigars?

Your attitude.

Obviously, this whole cigar thing is your way

of throwing a little temper tantrum because you

keep asking me out and I keep rejecting

you.

You need to think that.

Go ahead.

This, however, happens to be a gift from

a very grateful patient thanking me for treating

his emphysema.

He gets better, I get his cigars.

It's what we in the medical profession call

win-win.

Now, there are tears in my eyes, but

not from your stupid story, so why don't

you just put that out?

Why don't you just leave me alone?

You know, this is a Cuban cigar.

They're very hard to come by.

Cuban, huh?

So what you're doing is illegal.

No, what I'm doing is giving meaning to

the pitiful lives of the poor press workers

who made this.

Now, maybe you could throw it away, but

I'll be damned if I'm gonna snuff out

the very thing that gives them reason to

crawl out of bed in the morning.

You're a saint.

And by the way, your shirt's on fire.

Yeah, right.

Good morning, John.

How are you?

How am I?

How am I?

Yeah, I'm tired and I'm pissed off, because

somebody woke me up at 4 a.m.

You wanna know who woke me up at

4 a.m.? My insane, vindictive, lunatic neighbor,

who hates me.

That's who.

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Chris.

I was jolted out of a sound sleep

by a thump, thump, thump on my ceiling

like she was jumping up and down on

a pogo stick, all to get back at

me for some perceived cigar incident.

I mean, who does that at 4 a

.m. in the morning?

Are you even listening to me?

Chris, thump, 4 a.m., got it.

I mean, how do you deal with somebody

who's so irrational, so childish, so petty?

Sometimes all you can do is smile and

keep them busy with other things.

Ed Garland is in two, Mrs. Henderson is

in one, and Mr. Dorsey's x-rays are

on your desk.

Morning, Dr. Becker.

Not now, Linda, and I know what you

were doing, Margaret.

After 10 years, I'd hope so.

Margaret, I have to leave early to get

to the airport.

Where are you going on a Tuesday?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm flying in from Los Angeles and coming

here to New York.

Yeah, I caught the 7 a.m. flight

this morning out of LAX, and I landed

Kennedy at around 3 30 New York time.

You know, sometimes I have to figure out

a way to look interested, but this time

I actually am.

Go.

Well, I met this guy named Kevin at

a bar down in Soho, and he was

cute and nice, and I really wanted him

to like me.

So when he asked where I lived, it

seems so boring to just say that I'm

from here, working a crappy doctor's office, and

why don't we all just slip into a

coma?

So when I heard LA Woman playing on

the jukebox, I improvised and told him I

was from LA.

Pretty good thinking, huh?

Well, it's some kind of thinking.

Just curious, what is it you do in

LA?

I'm a commodities broker at a very prestigious

firm downtown.

You don't know anything about commodities?

I don't think anyone really does.

This has got to be the most bizarre

thing you've ever done, and that includes that

weekend you became a geisha.

Kevin's picking me up at baggage claim, and

I still have to pack.

Oh, it's gonna be good to get away.

Hey, Bob.

You know, I have to be here, but

with Reggie gone, the diner's not even open.

I mean, what do you come here for?

Well, you're still open for business, right?

I come here to support you.

Then try buying something.

Moral support, buddy.

Moral support.

You make coffee, huh?

Yeah, I made some.

You tell me.

It's not bad.

It's not coffee, but it's not bad.

Actually, you know what, Bob?

I need to talk to you.

Now, I'm helping Amanda paint the bedroom.

Hold on a second.

You're helping Amanda paint?

Moral support, buddy.

Moral support.

I think she lied to me about the

color.

Now, is this a can of white paint?

Close.

It's a can of baked beans.

Dammit, I grabbed the wrong one.

Well, if it helps, there's some paint on

your shirt.

Oh, really?

What color is it?

It's sort of a soft pastel, kind of

a blush pink, kind of a...

Ah, who am I kidding?

It's gay.

So she did lie to me.

She told me it was white.

Man, I can't believe she'd do that.

She lied to you.

She deceived you.

She clearly has no respect for you.

But on the plus side, we got baked

beans for lunch.

I don't know who you are.

I've been leaving messages for you all day.

In fact, think about it.

Why would I ruin my life with an

answering machine that actually recorded incoming calls?

See, John, I got to talk to you

about Amanda real quick.

Yeah, later.

Look, Chris was up at 4 a.m.

stomping all over her apartment while I was

trying to sleep.

Now, it's your job as building soup to

either find her or evict her or have

her arrested.

I don't really care which.

I like Chris.

She's pretty.

So, John, about this Amanda thing.

Yeah, later.

I'm trying to deal with Bob here.

Bye.

Look, I'm serious.

I know you are.

Hey, Jake, why are you holding a can

of baked beans?

I'm painting my apartment.

Yeah, here she is.

Let her have it.

You know, ask her why she was making

all that noise this morning.

Go ahead, ask her.

You look pretty today.

Thanks, Bob.

And you can tell my neighbor that I

was jumping rope this morning.

Jumping rope?

Did you hear that?

Ask her why, Bob.

Is there something different with your hair?

Yeah, thanks.

I'm trying a new mousse.

And you can tell him that as a

child I was very sick.

Maybe the doctor is familiar with fibromyalgia.

So, it's important for me to exercise my

legs to keep them from shriveling up like

so much rotten fruit.

Yeah, I saw that movie, too, this morning

at 4 a.m. At least that little

girl had the decency to exercise before she

went to bed.

Yeah, well, she didn't have to wait for

the cigar smoke to clear out of her

apartment.

Bob, just tell her to knock it off.

So, what do you wear when you jump

rope?

Listen, I'm warning you.

I better not hear a jump rope tonight.

Don't worry, you won't.

I rented a belt sander.

I'm going to strip my floors.

You know something?

I don't appreciate this sarcasm.

You hear that?

Yeah, stripping her floors.

Good morning, John.

I want you to get on the phone

and find me a 12-foot pole with

a boot on the end of it.

Don't ask why, just do it.

Six more credits and I could have been

a court reporter.

Sorry I'm late, Margaret.

The market was crazy this morning.

I had to go down to Wall Street

for a meeting.

You actually went all the way down to

Wall Street?

I had to.

Kevin insisted on waiting with me until I

got on the bus.

Well, then why didn't you just take it

one stop and get off?

It was an express, Marty Pants.

We had the greatest night.

This city can be so romantic it almost

makes me want to live here.

You mean more than you already do?

Oh, Margaret, it was fantastic.

From the second we kissed hello at the

airport, it was magic.

We came into the city, we walked down

Fifth Avenue, and for dinner we found this

cute little French place in Gramercy Park that

nobody knows about.

That place you go to all the time.

That's the one.

Then we had cappuccinos at this outdoor cafe

in Greenwich Village.

It's Greenwich Village.

I know, but Kevin thinks it's cute the

way I mispronounce it.

Then we spent the night at this fabulous

apartment overlooking Central Park where my company put

me up.

You mean your apartment?

That's the one.

You know, I think this thing with Kevin

could turn into something great, but it's dishonest.

Margaret, think about it.

If I told Kevin that I was from

New York, we'd see each other every single

day, and then before you know it, it'd

be the same old, same old.

Pretty soon I'd stop paying attention to my

hair, stop shaving my legs.

Well, you know what I'm talking about.

It was just that one week when I

was sick.

Look, Linda, when you're in an honest, long

-term relationship like I am with Louis, you'll

find comfort and security in coming home to

the same person every night.

Okay, last night when he was sitting there

in his shorts, burping out all the answers

to Wheel of Fortune, it wasn't exactly a

high point, and I told him...

What I'm trying to say is, if you

build a relationship on a lie, then you

always have to pretend it's something it's not.

Pretty cool, huh?

I'm sorry, did we schedule a sleepover?

Is this pillowcase dark gray with steel blue

trim?

Close.

It's pale blue with dainty little flowers.

So it's not a guy's pillowcase?

I'm sure a certain type of guy might

like it.

Dammit, Amanda's making my apartment all girly, and

she's lying to me about it.

This is what I've been trying to talk

to you about all day.

All right, all right, fine.

We are close friends.

I guess I can't get out of this.

Come on in.

I got you a beer.

What's going on?

Well, it's like I said, you know, Amanda's

redecorating the apartment, and she's lying to me

about it.

I mean, does she really think that she

can fool me, huh?

That I can't just bring someone into my

bedroom and ask them what color it is?

Women, who knows how they think?

I mean, I've told her what I want,

right?

But sometimes it feels like she doesn't even

listen to me.

What is it?

Ha, ha, ha.

Here you go.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Keep talking.

I'm not here for you.

I mean, does she have so little respect

for me that she'd just lie right to

my face?

Women, you can't trust them.

I'm going to have to hang some socks

out on the fire escape here, pal.

But you keep talking.

I can hear you loud and clear.

I mean, when trust disappears in a relationship,

well, the relationship just goes right out the

window.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

If I can't trust the woman I'm living

with, well, I'm in a whole truckload of

trouble right there.

Hey, women, what are you going to do?

Well, let's say, baby, one day we decide

to get married because of why it worked

out, and somewhere down the road she decides

she wants to move forward, but she doesn't

want to move forward.

Another cigar?

Wow, in Cuba, you must be like a

national hero.

Oh, hello.

Well, just trying to do my part, hands

across the water and all that.

Well, if the cigarettes don't kill you, it's

good to have a backup.

Gee, I hope the smoke's not bothering you.

No, no, not me.

But it does seem to dry out my

plant.

Maybe I better freshen it up a bit.

Yeah, you do that.

Wow, it looks better already.

I don't know, John.

I feel like my whole relationship is at

stake here, you know?

Am I missing something?

Is there some secret to getting along with

women?

Do you think I know?

Feel my head.

Flying back to California today?

Yeah, I have a six o'clock flight.

Kevin's so sweet, he wants to take me

to the airport to say goodbye.

So let me just check here.

I'm all packed, I've got my plane ticket,

I'm ready to go.

You bought a plane ticket?

I gotta hand it to you, Linda.

When you commit yourself to something, you don't

go halfway.

Well, that would be pointless.

Halfway would be like somewhere in Oklahoma.

Besides, the plane ticket's the best part.

See, when we're at the airport saying goodbye,

we know we have to savor every moment

we have together.

Then, I take out the ticket.

And we realize it's time for me to

go.

That's when things really heat up.

Well, Linda, you've got it all.

Too bad none of it's real.

What kind of deranged person pours water over

your head when you're pretending to hang imaginary

socks out on a fire escape?

I hardly ever know what he's talking about.

Never mind him.

When is your company sending you back to

New York?

Well, let's see.

I've gotta be in Paris for a conference.

Oh, I would love to go to Paris.

So would I.

Anyways, I've got a ten-hour layover on

my way home, so I'm gonna surprise Kevin

and book a room at the plaza for

the afternoon.

Last time I took Lewis to the plaza,

he stole an ashtray and sold it on

eBay.

Go, Lewis.

What you doing?

Well, pretend I don't know.

As if the pink paint and the flowered

sheets weren't bad enough, this morning I reached

down for my shoes and I found my

bed had a ruffly little skirt all around

it.

Now, I know I sure as hell didn't

put it there.

I don't know what to do, Margarita.

Do I confront her?

Do I forget it?

Do I...

Oh, shut up.

What?

Is there excitement in your life?

Yeah, I guess.

Is there passion?

Yeah.

Has she worn the same pair of raggedy

-ass sweatpants to bed for the last seven

years?

No.

Then trust me, you've got a good life.

But it's my apartment.

Oh, for God's sake, you're blind.

You can imagine you live anywhere you want

with anybody you want.

Hi, Margaret.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Jack.

Hey, Craig.

Hey, uh, do me a favor.

I gotta go.

Here are the keys.

Would you lock up for me?

Where are you going?

Home.

To Trump Tower to sleep with Elle MacPherson.

See you later, Jack.

Oh, yeah.

There you are.

You know, that pink paint and the flowered

sheets and that plant you just had to

water last night.

Hi, Jack.

It's plastic.

Huh.

No wonder it's not growing.

You know something?

Maybe you ought to join a gym.

You know, work off some of this aggression.

I don't need to join a gym.

I just bought a new clog dancing tape.

I get plenty of exercise.

Tell me what I can and cannot do.

If I want to stand on my floors...

Bob!

Bob!

You've got to get your ass out of

here.

I've got to change some of these.

If your ass is gonna be...

Stop it!

What is the matter with you two?

She's got plastic plants on her.

It's a fire hazard.

Shut up!

Look.

Either sleep together or kill each other.

I don't care.

Just leave me out of it.

The two of you acting like children.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And you know who you should be the

most ashamed of?

That we had to hear it from you.

Wasn't where I was going, but excellent point.

My God.

How did you two sing solo?

Oh, I wish I didn't have to go

back to California.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you more.

Every time I pass that cafe, I'll think

of you.

And I'll think of you every time I

go surfing.

You're so cute.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I guess it's...

time.

Okay, I really have to go.

Wait, I've got a surprise for you.

I'm coming with you.

I'm traveling to New York now, right?

I'm way too proud.

Let's go, honey.

I can't wait to see your beach house.

Neither can I.

Hi.

Cool.

Hi.

I love looking at the city at night.

I like to think each of those lights

is someone falling in love.

I always figured someone being murdered.

Well, it's funny how often one seems to

lead to the other, huh?

No, it's okay.

You can smoke.

Oh, that's all right.

I know it bothers you.

No, no, go ahead.

I'll just...

I'll close my window.

Nah, you know, I probably shouldn't smoke anyway.

I think I read somewhere it's not all

that good for you.

Oh, look at that.

I believe we just reached a compromise.

I guess we did.

We, um...

We did get a little silly, didn't we?

I suppose.

You know, there's no reason we can't get

along, you know, like neighbors.

It could happen.

Maybe even like friends.

Anything's possible.

Is that your doorbell?

Yeah.

You expecting company or something?

Uh, yeah, or something.

Somebody you know?

A guy?

Or...

What if it is?

Well, I just think it's a little late,

isn't it?

Excuse me?

Who has a guy over at 11 o

'clock?

Well, what's it matter to you?

It doesn't.

I just think it's a little weird.

Well, fortunately, it is none of your business.

Come on in.

Oh, Steve, hi.

Hi.

I was afraid you'd never get here.

I really need this.

Hey, get in here and shut the door.

Oh, this is so hot.

I have been looking forward to this all

week.

But I don't understand.

Thanks for the pizza.

You can go now.

But you said I was hot.

You're not.

Go.

Go, go, go.