Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Separate these tax receipts into two piles, business

and personal.

Okay.

Here's one, $79 Victoria's Secret.

Was that a gift or a little something

for yourself?

Actually, it was a gift, but I was

trying to get a little something for myself.

Yeah, I bought it for Nikki, man.

She used to do this thing, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Relive it on your own time.

So what do I put it under?

Put it under things he doesn't want his

girlfriend to say.

You know, Nikki and I were together way

before I met Amanda.

But why don't I hold on to it

just to be safe?

Hi, I was wondering if you could help

me.

Oh, please be talking to me.

I'll just have a coffee, please, and oh,

would you have $10 and quarters?

Coffee and change, yeah?

I'm sitting on a goldmine.

Here you go.

Is that for the meter?

No, payphone.

I just moved to the city.

My phone's not turned on.

Then your phone must be gay.

Yeah, you want me to introduce you?

Never mind him.

He's, well, we're not sure what he is,

but he's harmless.

Thanks.

Well, I better start job hunting.

Do you mind if I hang out here

for a day or two?

Sure, that's fine.

Wait, you can find a job and a

date?

Doesn't usually take me that long, but I

like to take time, consider my options.

Oh, I'd kill to have options.

So I'll be in the phone booth if

you need me.

Oh, and that's an expression, not an invitation.

Wow, notice how she singled me out, huh?

Bob, if you ever get your head started,

do me a favor and drive it out

of here.

So last night I go down to the

laundry room to get my clothes out of

the dryer and I find them dumped on

top of the machine, soaking wet.

Maybe it was a mistake.

No, no, no, no.

This was a premeditated act of revenge by

one of the morons in my building.

Oh, now you're fighting with your neighbors again?

Why don't you just try talking to them?

I did, but every time I tell them

to shut the hell up, they yell right

back, and that's just rude.

It's always time I put a note in

the lobby.

Yeah, then they put up a petition to

have you kicked out of the building.

Or what's it, the neighborhood?

I don't know.

I really didn't read it.

I just signed it.

Yes, three times.

Whoever messed my clothes has no idea who

they're screwing with.

Becker, it's just laundry.

No, it's not.

Laundry is just one battleground on the war

between the forces of good and evil.

You know, if we're gonna live together, we

need to have rules, and not just in

the building, but in the neighborhood, you know,

in the city, in the country, and yes,

you know, in the world.

I'm not just fighting this fight for myself,

you know, I'm fighting it to protect our

very way of life, and when the stakes

are that high, they have no idea how

petty I can be.

Oh, shut up.

Listen to this, Margaret.

I'm on my way back from giving Mr.

Hoffman his insulin shots, and I stop by

my apartment.

My mailbox has been broken into.

All my mail has been stolen.

I mean, first my laundry, and now this.

Somebody is definitely out to get me, but

I think I know who it is.

Please don't keep me in suspense.

It's that bald bastard, Grenquist, who lives next

door to me.

I mean, laundry is one thing, but this

is tampering with the mail.

That's a crime against the government.

Fine, I'll call the feds.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Rowland is in one with back

pain.

Linda is in there taking her history again,

because somehow she managed to lose Mrs. Rowland's

file.

I wouldn't be too hard on Margaret for

losing your file.

In fact, she's so embarrassed, I wouldn't even

mention it.

So, let's see.

Name, address, okay.

Age?

I'm 44.

No way.

You look amazing.

I'm betting 37.

I really have no problem with my age.

In fact, I have a daughter who just

started college at Syracuse.

Grade A party school.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I mean, the stories you hear.

Sex, drugs, drinking.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, yeah, I know.

I hope she can resist the pressures.

She's really very shy and inexperienced.

She's still a virgin.

No way.

You got a picture of her?

Sure I do.

Sorry, but this kid's no virgin.

You don't even know her.

It's just a guess.

Based on her hairstyle, her clothes, the guy

she's with, and the bong she's holding.

She told me about that.

It was for a science project.

And you believed her.

That's so sweet.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Mrs. Rowland.

Science project.

No way.

37.

No way.

Okay, here's one for a hotel in Atlantic

City for $275.

Rebecca.

She's a nurse.

For that kind of money, I hope she

made you feel better.

Actually, she didn't.

We got into a flight and she went

home.

Too bad I can't write that off.

She's a nurse who didn't sleep with you?

Put it under unreimbursed medical expenses.

I could do that?

Oh, sure.

You'd be surprised where you can blow past

those idiots at the IRS.

How do you know?

I used to be one.

You really worked for the IRS?

We all worked for the IRS.

True, true, but I really did.

I was secretary to an auditor.

It was right before I went into the

Army.

The Army?

You ever kill a guy?

Once.

For sitting too close.

How did you end up in the Army?

Oh, God, let's see.

Dropped out of college, IRS.

Then I decided I wanted to see the

world.

Recruiter said I could get stationed in Europe.

Closest I got to Europe was my CO

trying to French kiss me.

Woman wouldn't take no for an answer.

Then did you move here?

Oh, no, no.

After I got out, I just started traveling

around.

Was a barmaid in London, tour guide in

Rome, taught English in Japan.

Even did six months on the Alaskan pipeline.

Oh, that's like all guys, right?

Yeah, but every guy you never wanted to

date, all in one place.

So, you've been around the world and had

all those jobs.

Bob's a super who's hardly been off the

block.

Imagine what our kids would be like.

Yeah, they could unstuff a toilet in five

languages.

Yeah, you're really sweet, but I just got

into town.

I'm really not ready to start dating, so

maybe some other time.

Oh, excuse me.

It's me, Bob Josh.

Wow, she's so nice.

Bob, she blew you off.

Yeah, she was just letting you down easy.

That's what I mean.

Usually, I just get a kick in the

groin and a face full of pepper spray.

Not that I'm complaining, but you've been blissfully

quiet today.

Is the war over with your neighbors?

Oh, yeah, I took care of that.

Yeah, you would have been proud of me,

too.

I handled it peacefully and without incident.

Becker, you left your knife in my door.

Without incident?

I left them a note.

I was out of tape.

What are you doing here?

I want all this to stop.

I did not touch your clothes or steal

your mail.

In fact, the night your laundry was violated

with extreme prejudice, I was not even home.

I was in Brooklyn spending the night at

my mother's.

Oh, there's a shocker.

Trust me, when I get you back, I'll

be a lot more clever.

Says you.

And again, I might not have to be

that clever.

Obviously, Mr. Grinquist didn't do it, so what

do you have to say for yourself now?

One down, 23 to go.

Someone is out to get me, Margaret.

Somewhere in that building, there's a complete and

utter lunatic.

John, you forgot your knife.

Hi, Margaret.

Is Linda working today?

I never know quite how to answer that.

Hi, Mrs. Roland.

Oh, Linda.

I found my daughter's diary under a floorboard

in her closet.

Ooh, good spot.

You were right about everything.

Come on back, we'll talk.

Rachel smokes and drinks.

She's been having sex since she was 16.

I can't believe she's been lying to me

all this time.

Now, now, let's explore this.

How did it make you feel?

I don't know.

Betrayed.

I've lived my whole life for Rachel.

I've been there for her at every turn.

Maybe you were there too much.

I'm sorry?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Forget it.

Go ahead.

I didn't want her to make the same

mistakes that I made.

Maybe she needed to make her own mistakes.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

All I know is I did everything I

could to protect her.

Maybe she didn't want to be protected.

Maybe she wanted to be her own person.

Maybe just once she wanted to go to

the school dance without you following behind her

in the car because you didn't trust her.

Margaret?

Would you like to talk about that?

Yes.

Wow, Bob, you're actually working, huh?

Huh?

Oh, you mean the plunger?

No, no, I just carry it around.

That way when people ask me to do

something, I just tell them I'm in the

middle of something else.

Yeah, well, come on in here.

I want to talk to you.

Look, I'm in the middle of something.

Shut up.

Look.

What?

Turns out Grandquist might not be the one

who's behind all this.

I need your help to help me find

out who it is.

Are you still on this?

God, you're so paranoid.

Who said that about me?

No, tell me.

Would you relax?

Stop it, will you?

Please, have a beer.

And I'll have one, too.

Oh, you will, will you?

Well, you know, as long as you're offering.

Oh, God.

Oh, what?

Roaches.

Hundreds of them.

So what's the big deal?

The big deal is I hate roaches.

Really?

What is it?

The legs?

The eyes?

The sound they make when they crunch on

the edge?

Will you stop it?

I'm not kidding you.

I hate roaches.

Hey, wait a second.

Those weren't in there when I left this

morning.

That means somebody put them there.

Yeah, God put them there.

It's New York.

You put them everywhere.

All right, relax.

Calm down.

You got any bug spray?

Yeah, I'm in the sink.

Whoa.

You thought you had a lot in the

refrigerator.

There more in there?

Easy, Mary.

You got a vacuum?

Yeah, it's in the bedroom.

Fine, I'm going to go get it.

I'll suck them up.

You know, you're unbelievable.

You're such a nut.

A few bugs show up and suddenly everyone's

out to get you.

I don't know what you did or who

you did it to, but they're really pissed.

Got an interview with that clothing store.

I thought they said you didn't have enough

experience.

I convinced them they were wrong.

You're amazing.

How do you have so much confidence?

Eh, you just got to believe in yourself.

Yeah, there's always a catch.

Listen to this.

Last night, someone dumped an army of roaches

in my apartment, so I retaliated.

This morning, I stole their newspapers.

Yeah, now who's crazy, huh?

You.

How'd you know whose paper to take?

I didn't, so I took them all.

See, that's the genius part.

You know, sooner or later, they're going to

turn on each other and rat out the

guilty party.

Divide and conquer.

Goes all the way back to Machiavelli.

Actually, it wasn't Machiavelli.

It's a quote attributed to Julius Caesar in

reference to the Gallic Wars.

Someone just turned on the History Channel?

John, this is Chris.

She just moved to the city.

Sorry to butt in.

None of my business.

You're right.

Another possibility here.

It might not be just one person in

the building.

It might be all of them.

You know, like in that Raymond Chandler novel

where they all stabbed that guy on the

train?

Once again, none of my business.

But it wasn't Raymond Chandler.

It was Agatha Christie.

Murder on the Orient Express.

You know what I'm missing here?

The part where anyone asks your opinion.

Sorry, sorry.

I do that all the time.

But just to be clear, it wasn't an

opinion.

It was a fact.

Uh, Chris, you might not want to...

Yeah, but he was wrong.

He doesn't care if he's wrong.

I am not wrong.

People in my building are out to get

me.

Look, I know it's none of my business.

You know, I'm beginning to think you don't

know that.

All I'm saying is maybe you should try

another approach.

For instance, I once lived in a building

where I had horrible neighbors.

I mean, they were really awful.

You know what I did?

Baked some cookies, went door-to-door handing

them out, and by the end of the

day, building full of friends.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Look, sunshine, before you start spouting homilies about,

you know, how you should turn the other

cheek, let me explain something.

Around here, you turn the other cheek, you

get hit in the other cheek.

I'm guessing he's been hit a lot.

Not as often as you'd think.

Though he was shot once.

All I meant was there's enough conflict in

the world, why make more?

Yeah, I don't make conflict.

Yet you're always around when it happens.

Sorry, I-I just try to see the

good in people.

Doesn't always work.

Hey, you know, just because you're having a

good day doesn't mean you could take it

out on me.

I don't feel comfortable with this.

It's just a little role-playing.

Try it.

All right.

Mom?

Why did you have to be so hard

on me?

Because you remind me so much of myself

when I was young.

It's okay, Margaret.

Just go with it.

Come on.

Okay, okay.

I just wanted to make you happy.

And I just want what's best for you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Mom?

I don't know what the hell I'm doing,

but I think we just had a breakthrough.

Oh, geez.

This is worse than the roaches.

Okay, Becker.

I bug-bombed your place, but you're not

going to want to go in there for

a while.

Roaches.

Oh, what's the big deal?

Well, you don't have roaches in here, do

you?

No, of course not.

Look, I checked out everybody in the building,

and it seems there are a few more

suspects.

Oh, good.

Who?

Well, you got Mr. Franklin, who you reamed

out for putting his garbage by the incinerator.

Mr. Caloris, who you bitched out for playing

his music too loud.

Oh, that's not music.

That's a goat sexually molesting some kind of

banjo.

Then there's old Mrs. Battaglia.

Now, I don't know what you did to

her, but she's got a room with a

pentagram, a bunch of candles, and a Ken

doll and a crappy raincoat.

She's got one of those too.

Now, look, I'll see what else I can

find out at the tenants' meeting tonight.

First Monday of every month, they get together

to bitch about things in the building.

Oh, you never told me about that.

That's because they mostly bitch about you.

Oh, and then look, you left your watch

in my bathroom.

And look, I'm thinking about making a lasagna

tonight.

I hope that'll be okay.

Oh, yeah, that'd be very nice.

Great.

Did you stay in with Bob?

Is there anything you want to talk to

me about?

I told you, my apartment is filled with

roaches.

Oh, roaches.

Oh, Bob.

All right, all right.

All right, let's do this.

Let's do this.

Okay, who's got old business?

Okay, who's got new business?

Every time a toilet flushes, the water turns

off in my shower.

Yeah, you said that at the last meeting,

which makes it old business.

I'm way past that now.

All right, all right.

I'll look into it.

Next.

Next.

There's pigeon poop all over the fire escapes.

I have no jurisdiction over the pigeons.

Well, then take down the fire escape so

they'll go somewhere else.

Yeah, yeah, can I pick who doesn't get

a fire escape?

Hey, which one of you cretins screwed with

my laundry, stole my mail, and then filled

my apartment with roaches?

All right, you go ahead and laugh, but

I know it's one of you people behind

all this.

What is your problem?

I'm not the problem, it's you people.

Oh, is that why you took my paper

this morning?

I did not.

Liar, I saw you.

Yeah, just for that, you're not getting your

paper back.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

What are you doing here?

I live in 3B.

I live in 4B.

4B?

What happened to wrinkles in the hump?

You mean my grandparents?

Sorry, I'm not good with names.

Well, they moved to Florida.

I'm using their apartment.

Are you the super of this building?

Yeah.

Well, I've been trying to reach you.

My shower's broken.

Hey, I'll get right on it.

Thank you.

My shower is broken.

Sorry, ladies first.

Anything else, Becker?

We'd like to end this.

As a matter of fact, I...

Becker, that's your name?

John Becker?

Yes, why?

Oh, I have your mail here, and I

have more of it upstairs.

You?

You stole my mail?

I didn't steal your mail.

Your mailbox was broken.

I took the mail so it wouldn't get

stolen.

How about that?

A rational explanation.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, all right.

Maybe for that, but that doesn't explain how

the roaches got in my apartment.

Roaches?

Um, actually, that might have been my fault.

What?

I bought this ultrasonic thing that drives roaches

away, and I guess they went down to

your apartment.

Yeah, good guess.

So, Becker, any chance you feel as stupid

as you look?

Look, this doesn't change the fact that last

Monday night, someone dumped my wet laundry on

top of the dryer.

Did you say Monday?

For God's sake, what?

The smoke was coming out of the dryer.

I took the clothes out so they wouldn't

get burned.

Oh.

This must be a very humiliating moment for

you.

Hi.

I brought you the rest of your mail.

And, uh, baked you some cookies.

Just my way of saying I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to embarrass you down there.

What kind are they?

Oatmeal.

Raisins?

Oh, of course.

Figures.

You know, it must be hard to live

like you do.

Always think everybody's out to get you.

Yeah, I know it's none of my business,

but I just wanted to say...

Good night.