Original subtitles

Hey! Too far! It's ominous down there!

So go get it ominously!

It's okay, little girl. We'll take it from here.

Actually, we'll take it from here.

Actually, we'll take it from here.

Gentlemen! We'll take it from here.

Who's that? What did he say?

He's FBI! He says he'll take it from here!

He can say that all he wants,

but we tend to take it from here.

- Every time. - Not this time.

Wait, Troy, what the hell?

Sorry, Bob. I've always been MIB.

Yes, but you've never been Majestic Level.

- Hank, what the hell? - Sorry, Tyler.

Okay. Wow. I guess you guys are taking it from here.

You think I'm taking anything from anywhere

with this guy ever again?

Good point. Why don't you two pricks

just take everything from everywhere?

What do you think?

You want to take it from here? With me?

My whole life, I've been taking things from places.

Today it's from here,

tomorrow it'll be God knows what

from God knows where.

Just once, I'd like to give it from here,

to someone who can take it anywhere...

That's beautiful, gentlemen, but unnecessary.

Troy. Bob. Hank. Tyler.

- Yes, sir. - Mister President. Sir.

- We'll take it from here. - Is that the President?

I-I can't hear anything that's going on.

We thought we were taking it from here...

My partner of 15 years just revealed...

- ...but the President is! - ...they're a stranger!

I refuse to take this personally,

but I will never trust anyone again!

I couldn't parse most of that,

so I'm assuming the Coast Guard is taking it from here?

- No! - Okay!

That's all you had to say!

God-uh!

How does the Loch Ness Monster

wash up in Miami wearing a prison jumpsuit?

Is Scotland exporting insanity

and doesn't Florida have a surplus?

That jumpsuit isn't from a normal prison.

It's from The Triangle,

America's secret maximum security prison

at the heart of the Bermuda Triangle.

We have a paranormal Guantanamo?

Well, we can't put a ghost in a regular prison, Banks.

Because they would love it.

Because they'd walk through the walls.

Unless they were ghost walls.

Oh, and you don't think they'd love that?

The Triangle is supposed to be a sealed box.

But pointier. With less sides.

This is the fourth escape in three years.

Hm. It's almost like a sealed,

pointy box full of bad stuff eventually erupts.

They should invent a name for that.

Lava pyramid.

Our monster prison isn't leaking monsters

because of chaos theory, dorkatron.

All of these escapees have happened under one warden.

And look at this-- every single escapee

was registered in the prison logs as deceased

before they could have possibly escaped.

They're getting help from the inside.

Corrupt guards?

Or you think it goes all the way up to the warden?

I don't get paid to think.

I mean, I do a little, but I get results through action.

It's time the Triangle got a surprise inspection.

Marine style. White gloves and armored boots.

With fine-toothed combs on the toes of the boots.

3D-printed to fit the insides of asses.

I am so pumped for this.

Good, because you're going in undercover.

- As an inmate. - Wait, wha--sir?

It does makes sense to go in from the top and the bottom.

We'd never know which guards are corrupt

by asking a warden that's complicit or oblivious.

You're a man I can trust, and, as a half-leprechaun,

you'd be fast-tracked to the Triangle.

I'm a man you can trust because I hate that I'm half-leprechaun.

I literally never lie.

I can't pretend to be a criminal.

Who says you'd be pretending, you fancy,

gold-sucking, rainbow-loving piece of shit?

- Sir. - No. No.

I know what you're doing.

I stole yer lucky charms, me boy!

What--what is happening?

He's trying to goad me into assaulting him

by saying lepre-phobic shit, which makes zero sense

because I'm already ashamed of my paranormal ethnicity.

You love your mother.

Damn! Can't believe I got put next to the guy

who assaulted the President with a stapler.

What'd they get you for?

Eh, lured some schoolgirls into the woods,

made 'em stab each other.

But they got me on tax evasion.

Sorry, I-I gotta sit down.

Actually kind of excited, sir.

It's my first recon mission.

And based on our recent field work,

I've adopted a more versatile system of safety protocols.

Don't nerf yourself for my sake, Banks.

I do dangerous work, and I need dangerous people on my team.

Whew!

Faster than a velociraptor, but still slower than a baby yeti.

Also, how dangerous do you really want your people?

Our country has a secret detention center for freaks,

and your only problem is that sometimes they get out.

It's not a prison for quirky X-Men

and sexy scissorhands, Banks.

It's the only place capable of housing literal monsters

that commit actual crimes.

So I should be a dangerous freak but never a criminal monster.

- And the difference is? - You're on my team.

Mr. President!

We're entering the Triangle's outer fringe!

This is as far as Air Force One can go.

What? But we're still in the air.

Yep. Time to change planes.

Deploying umbilical!

Secured and ready for passengers!

Hello, Mister President!

Welcome aboard!

Thanks for the assist, Amelia.

Wait, Amelia? As in Earhart?

- The one and only, dollface. - Ooh!

She's the only pilot that can navigate the Bermuda Triangle.

FDR's people found her here flying in circles,

so they put her in charge of Triangle transit.

Classic FDR, just giving out jobs.

Then Truman gave me these babies!

Yes!

So...she can never land?

Wouldn't want to, kid! Love flying.

Landing? That's for cars!

- Uhh... - We're here!

Here, put this on. We parachute from here.

Okay, fun. Huge fan.

Thank you for all you've done for Americans.

And women. And lesbians.

You're welcome!

Wait, people are still doing labels?

Whoo-hoo!

Alright, Banks, no matter what this guy says or does,

remember we're not here to make friends.

Mister President. Warden Ken Jeffries.

Save the pleasantries, Warden.

I'm here for a full inspection.

Loud and clear, sir.

That's how we did it in the Marines.

You're a Marine?

Three-Eight, Camp Lawson, Okinawa.

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Yeah!

Oooooo-rah!

Um, guys?

My office is this way. Want to march?

I was just gonna say!

I don't know what I've been told!

I've been told what I've been told!

Spirits! Aliens!

Mutants and Goo-gas!

Welcome to The Triangle!

You are here because you have haunted, morphed,

doppelganged, eaten, or maliciously laid eggs

in the greatest country on Earth.

Your kingdom is a fleeting dream.

If death cannot contain me, how will you?

I am Dracu--

Well, in here, you are Prisoner 7-5-6-2.

If you open your mouth, we will shut it.

If you extend a second, telescoping mouth,

we will teleport you into solid rock.

I don't want to hear a single villain monologue

from you worms or a single worm monologue from you villains.

From here on out, your ass, ovipositor, pellet tube,

fecal portal, or possessed car trunk

belongs to me!

Triangle mint on a triangle tray?

- Thanks. - I'm good.

I know what you're thinking-- "That's a pretty pointy shape

to base an entire prison's interior decor around."

But half of these animals have razor-sharp bones,

and the other half can suck your soul through your nostrils,

so why use a plastic butter knife, right?

I'm mostly worried about the very large,

triangular trophy displayed on that remarkably high shelf.

Ah! You're thinking if there's a big riot

and a climactic showdown in this office,

I'll end up impaled by a symbol of my hubris.

Well, if so, I'll welcome that death.

Oo-rah! But also we should talk about

how your prisoners escape a lot.

You're damn right we should.

This prison needs to be locked down and sealed tight.

I've got a thousand guards, and I can trust about 50.

- And they're all marines. - Marines!

Guys, maybe we could take a look at the site

of the Loch Ness Monster escape?

I mean, it's just a wall with a big hole in it,

but if you really think looking at it will help...

Sorry. I brought my boss.

Hey, Mister Newbie, can I ask you a question?

Are you gonna squeal like a piggy when I...

rend and mince the soft puckered flesh

of your sphincter?

Yeah, yeah. You're a Soul Ganderer.

You can't touch people that don't look at you.

He'll try to get you with a mirror tonight.

I don't need a prison tutor.

Oh, that's probably true.

You are doing better than Dracula.

Blah. Blah.

Blah.

Hey. Nosfor-cock-tu.

You'll never be cool.

Uh-huh.

Hey, you scanning the room?

It's my job to scan.

He didn't mean any harm, Metaldetectoid.

If I want any information from you, I'll scan you.

The only thing I'm scanning right now

is this half-breed's triangle jello.

You should recalibrate.

Ah! Ah, shit, my lens!

It's pretty crazy he didn't scan that coming.

Oh, my God, I-I'm seeing color bars!

This is where Nessie got out.

Triple-plated steel. Electrified.

Voltage wasn't Scottish Dinosaur-rated, though.

- That's on me. - Takes a man to admit that.

What are all these doors?

Part of my new inmate work initiative.

We have the prisoners paint the doors.

I got the idea from "Monsters, Inc."

Huh?

I got a prison full of monsters, right?

- Why not put 'em to work? - Right, right.

Like a one-eyed Billy Crystal.

That's what I called my wiener in the Marines.

Hey! Do that thing differently!

Sir, this is getting ridiculous.

You've completely dropped your standards

and are letting this guy slide on everything

- because he's a Marine. - That's accurate.

But is that what a Marine would do?

Nice try. The answer is yes.

Because the marines are pre-vetted by the Marines.

If you can be a Marine, you can do anything.

As long as there's a Pixar movie to guide you, I guess?

Would it be more rational for them to make license plates?

Did that trope ever make sense?

He's just making the place efficient.

Like the Post Office.

Ooh, goddamn, I love the Post Office.

- Friends, my apologies. - No problem.

You said you had a voltage issue?

Should we look at your power grid?

That is next to the game room.

- Oo-rah! - Oo-rah!

- Oo-rah! - Yeah!

I'm just going to check out some...

Who cares? You're gone.

Whoa! Sorry, can't let you do that.

New protocols-- you said no snooping.

Yeah, but I think we just need

to crawl in this hole and make sure.

Kinda defeats the purpose of having guidelines.

You want me to deactivate so you can do some bad shit?

No, no, I want guidelines.

It's just this once, okay?

If I do it again, you can double down on the restrictions.

Sounds like a slippery slope, but alrighty!

Hey. Those guards--

you think they could help move some contraband?

Yar! Narc much?

Yar-har-har-har!

He heard a rumor you're an undercover cop.

Why would anyone think that?

Eh, I can't speak for them.

Me, I've got telepathic filaments in my tentacles,

so I actually know you're working for The President.

Hey, relax. I'm telling you I know

because I want you to find what you're looking for

before you get killed.

- And what am I looking for? - It's not what.

- It's where. - And where is that?

- Mm, let's just say you're-- - Will you fucking stop?

So-rry! God-uh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ahh! Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh!

Jesus!

"Prisoner Not Found." Why am I not surprised?

- Ow! What the hell? - Hi again!

Looks like you're about to jack into a dead sentient android.

- That's bad. - I'm just accessing its memory,

probably to bring its killers to justice.

But you said to double down if you broke protocol again.

Oh, my God.

If I do something actually bad, you can make it hurt.

Until then, override and give me some damn flexibility.

Don't yell at me. You programmed me.

Ahhh! I-I can't take it anymore!

Hernandez, help me tighten these restraints.

Is it a weird time to say I'm morally conflicted about this?

No, it's the perfect time, Hernandez!

Ahhh!

I need to find Hernandez.

Ugh.

Okay. Side quest completed.

That's it. East Wing.

That's where Nessie went?

Guards tried to take him there, and he went berserk.

Hell, I don't blame him-- you go there, you never come back.

That's why the escapees

are registered as deceased before they leave.

They're not being helped from inside.

They're being marked for death and doing their best to get out.

Yard time is over, freaks!

Get your ugly asses, carapaces,

and prehensile tails back inside now!

Not you two. You know what happens

when inmates try to find out if we're corrupt, don't ya?

You reveal your corruption?

It's the least we can do.

Hey, Metaldetectoid, you hungry?

Yeah. For unfinished beef.

How is this a threat?

I already beat this guy up in one move.

And by scanning that move,

I extrapolated your entire combat style.

Prepare to fight...yourself!

Rahh!

Ahh!

Why would fighting yourself

be harder than fighting a stranger?

I fight myself every day!

Hey! Hey! Whoa, take it easy!

We get it, man! You're good at kicking your own ass!

You get a pack of cigs when you kill 'em.

Use your horns. He's feisty.

If you think I'm scared of a leprechaun,

you don't know goat.

You think I'm stupid?

I'm not fighting them for a pack of cigs!

But I would do it for a picture of your wife.

Deal.

Mm-mm-mmm.

What's a hot spider like her even doing with a guy like you?

Maybe it's not really my wife.

Maybe I've been giving you photos of spiders

to make you do shit.

Tangled in the web of my own porn addiction.

We're eagle, globe, and anchor

We fight with piss and rancor

Semper Fi, that's my guy

Marines!

Yeah!

It's amazing, isn't it?

We were both soldiers,

and now we're each kings of our own domains.

In a way, you've got a harder country to run than I do.

Trying to contain all these monsters.

Well, if they let me run it the way I really want,

both of us could be happy.

The world is full of different folks

And some of them are monsters

They're not like us, so lock them up

And seal their screams forever

If the cells get full, you cull the herd

And their deaths will be my--

Ho! Whoa! Okay, a little extreme.

I didn't know you'd go full Nazi.

Aren't people who call people Nazis the real Nazis?

Nope. Answer your phone.

This is Jeffries.

Christ. Alright, I'm coming.

- What was that? - Fight in the yard.

A new leprenoid killed 20% of Cell Block D.

Uh, about that.

The "leprenoid's" mine.

Before I came, I, uh-- I put him undercover

because I thought you might be...incompetent.

Oh. Quite the "oo-rah" move.

Right? But you can bring him up here.

He won't be causing you any more trouble.

You're right about that.

"Guard button?"

Oh, wait--what is this?

I'm sorry it had to come to this, Curtis.

So really it's a door button.

The guards were already waiting behind the door.

Also, you really think you can get away with this?

I'm the President!

You're in the Bermuda Triangle.

It would have been weirder if you'd made it back home.

Rgh! I guess you pushed the "bag over the head" button?

Ugh!

Huh? What is--what is this?

Can't believe I trusted that monster.

- Not always a bad thing, sir. - O'Doyle?

I came in here hating these freaks,

but I found kindness in a radioactive Swamptopus.

Hi.

How radioactive is he?

Like a laptop on a crotch or...?

Alright, test subjects are locked in.

Canisters are online.

Begin the extraction!

Aghh! God in heaven!

Sir, I have a technique for this--

Imagine every scream brings your mother closer to orgasm.

- What? - So you deprive her of it!

Did the tank fill with anything?

- No, sir. - Goddammit!

I added microchips to the canisters.

How is it still not collecting their screams?

Wait, you're seriously doing a "Monsters, Inc."?

I told you I was!

You got it backwards, you idiot.

You're supposed to use children for the screams.

That's what the doors are for!

We were eventually going to connect them

to children's closets.

And then, of course... come the giggles.

Goddammit, how desperate was I to connect with someone?

Check the wiring and run it again!

Harder!

Hey, pal, this East Wing, Room 213?

You know it. Torture central.

You believe that's the President of the United States

squealing in there?

Thank God. I don't know how long

I could've sustained that guard accent.

Urgh!

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Ahhh!

What do you think? Do you like it?

What the fuck? Why am I on fire?

I did what you asked!

You're trying to hack into a federal prison.

Override! Just open door 213!

Okay, okay. Hmm, so many doors.

Might take a while to find that.

Hmm, let's see.

Oh, my God, just open all the doors!

Ahh! Thought you'd never ask!

I love us. Byeeee!

Ahh!

I'll never do it again!

Ooh! Pain's gone. Might do it again.

Stop! Let me go!

All I did was lead a troubled child

to an eternal realm of light and love!

Never saw it.

Blah!

Yar-ha-ah-ha-har!

Oh shit! Oh, God! I've been so mean to them!

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, it's just you.

What are you gonna do, turn into a bat?

No, no, no, no--agh!

Meeting adjourned.

Check out me, Dracula, in "Monster Squad," 1987.

What the hell is going on?

Thanks for the lift, Evil Haunted Car.

I'm not haunted, I'm just evil

You!

It's time to chase you down

Ahh!

Banks! Holy shit, way to go!

I know, right? I'm kind of awesome.

I should've listened to you, Banks.

I got so sucked up in Marine culture

and bro-ing out, I-I took my eyes off the ball.

I was wrong, too, sir. There's things in here

that need to stay locked up forever.

Yeah, but not all of them.

Hi.

So, all our lessons cancel each other out?

Maybe the lesson is that, together, we learn nothing.

Can we just go back to that evil car?

I mean, if it was making up original songs to communicate,

why not just talk?

So much extra work.

Right. Let's go!

TV ghost!

This is why you need ghost walls!

Jeff Dunham should be in this cell, not me!

Um, guys?

You wanna play a game?

It's called oopsies killsies.

Nobody look at her. She can't hurt you

- if you don't look. - I already did.

Yeah, obviously I did. I said "um, guys"

to draw everyone's attention to her.

Yeah, I looked at her, too.

Here comes the...

predictable big voice!

Shit, shit, shit! Run!

Get ready to be a head on my shoulders!

Sometimes the best way to fly is to land!

Amelia!

- Whoa! - Big assist!

You, ma'am, are a legend!

Well, now fucking what?

Stupid...

It's over, you piece of shit.

You ruined it!

You know how long I plotted to get that scream power?

Was any of today real? Were you even a Marine?

Of course I was,

but I got kicked out for killing another Marine

and pirating "Toy Story," not in that order.

So this whole time, you were the real monster.

Obviously! They gave me a trophy for it!

Oo-rah!

Ugh! Ow!

Ahh!

Ugh!

I saw this coming. I set it up.

You better tell the people

that I-I died getting out in front of it.

Ow!

Did that canister just fill up with power?

It looks like he accidentally

invented a way to contain irony.

What? Didn't he just tape microchips and wires

to the outside of a scuba tank with a horn on it?

Okay, we get it.

Eh, that should do it.

All set, Mr. President.

Bit tricky figuring out how to get a consistent signal

through a pocket of intangible ether.

But you were in a pinch, and you called Finch.

Yes, Finch, you're a very memorable person.

Warden Earhart.

Amelia, you've got a direct line to me now.

I want open communication

between the Triangle and my office.

Of course, sir. And do I get a secretary?

Is she gonna be hot?

Uhh, I-I'll see what's in the budget.

Also how is the, uh, Swamptopus?

He's doing good. Started tutoring other monsters,

trying to help them get their GEDs.

See, in my day, I was a monster

for having boobies and flying a plane.

These rag-a-muffins deserve a chance

to be seen differently, too.

You're the boss, Amelia.

Thanks, Mr. President!

And good boobie-bye.

Welp, seems like our secret monster Guantanamo's

finally in good hands.

And as for me,

instead of limiting my behavior with painful internal protocols,

I've decided to trust myself with a more subtle reminder.

Wait, which one is ringing?

They need to jiggle when they ring so I have a visual cue.

I think it's the pentagram.

What happens if I answer and they're not calling?

Then it calls them.

Hang on, I got this.

Alright, I'll add a jiggle.

God-uhh!

Sometimes monsters go to prison

Sometimes they don't

Sometimes we're the real monsters

When the monster is our shame

But who's to blame

If we don't wash our balls?

Blah! Blah!

Who's that?

You don't want to fuck with him.

He used to get picked on, but then he turned into a bat,

flew into a prison guard's mouth,

and turned back into Dracula-- inside the guy.

So, if I fight him,

I just need to keep my mouth closed?

Are you talking about Dracula?

Mind your own business.

You did it now, fish!

Good girl, booboo.

Did you get any of that?