Original subtitles

NATURE'S GAME SHOW

I can't decide which list item to do today.

"Pushed Slow Roger down a hill in the Porta-Potti"

or "Got the baby-sitter pregnant."

Here's an idea. Here's a crazy idea.

How about for once, we do what I want to do?

And I might not know what that is right now,

but I know what it's not...

doing another item on your stupid list!

Maybe it was my imagination,

but Randy seemed kind of stressed out this morning.

And he wasn't the only one.

How you gonna sit there and tell me

that MacGuyver wouldn't be the most awesome president of the USA ever?

He's a fictional character, Joy.

Fictional characters are in books. MacGuyver's on TV.

I'm not gonna argue about this.

I hate when you say that. It sound like you think you can win

the argument if you wanted to but I'm too stupid to argue with.

Argue with me!

For some reason, tensions were higher than normal.

Even laid-back Catalina had her G-string in a bunch.

That's it.

Go ahead, take a squeeze, so I can eat in peace.

Take a squeeze!

Yup, something was definitely in the air that morning.

- Give me my list back. - Why don't you come and get it?

Maybe it was a coincidence that people were acting odd,

or maybe it was like your animals get freaked out

right before an earthquake or a tsunami or a...

Oh, my God, it's a giant swirly wind thingy!

... or as they call it on the news...

Tornado!

The tornado ditch was the trailer park version of a storm shelter.

And in Camden, it got a lot of use.

Remember, if we get separated,

we all meet back where the trailer used to be.

After the tornado passed,

it became clear why we called it nature's game show.

Anything on the ground is finders keepers.

Kids, remember, shiny before heavy!

I got it!

That's mine right there.

Earl, look!

Steaks!

Finders keepers!

Just keep an eye out for my list.

I got a boat! This is awesome!

Now we can live just like The Love Boat.

You want to be Isaac, Julie or that pervy doctor?

Wait, I take that back. I want to be the pervy doctor.

Catalina hadn't lived in Camden that long,

so she wasn't used to tornadoes.

Or the finders keepers rule.

Finders keepers!

But that's my purse. It's imitation imitation Gucci.

It's mine now. That's the rules.

You don't see me bitching about losing my diaphragm.

That's my shoe!

This isn't fair.

Fair? I got 1,500 on my SATs.

Life ain't fair.

Catalina didn't like having her stuff stolen,

but she was about to learn the meaning of that old American saying,

"Don't get mad. Get even."

Everybody freeze!

I am sick of being walked on!

I am walked on as an immigrant!

I am walked on as a maid!

I am walked on as a stripper! Literally.

There's a guy who comes in on Wednesdays who's into that sort of thing!

So give me back my purse.

And my shoe.

And, Patty, I like that watch.

You know what? Give me everything.

You heard her, folks.

Gun rules trump tornado rules.

Darnell, look! A Bible!

I wonder if this is some kind of sign.

Doubtful.

Natural disasters are stressful times in which people ascribe

heightened meaning to random events of physics.

I think a Bible just got blown onto the steps.

And I guess Adam and Eve just got blown into the Garden of Apples.

Things happen for a reason.

I'm not going to argue.

There you... Damn it!

Stop treating me like I'm stupid!

I'm not treating you like you're stupid.

You have very strong opinions that you don't seem to want to change,

and I don't want arguing all day

with the most beautiful girl in the trailer park.

Don't you talk down to me.

I know when I'm being comprehended to.

You think you're smarter than me.

I am smarter than you.

But that doesn't make me better.

You're stronger

and you know all the words to Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Not to mention that, statistically,

you're at a lower risk for heart disease,

so kudos for that, huh?

It's gone.

The list is gone.

Great. Now I gotta rewrite the whole thing.

I think these steaks came premarinated.

I swear this one smells like wine or whiskey or some kind of alcohol.

I don't think I want those steaks, Randy.

They don't belong to us.

None of this stuff belongs to us.

I bet someone's really missing those steaks right now.

And that boat.

Those people would be the losers weepers.

What's the matter with you, Earl? You love finders keepers.

During the last tornado,

you got that cool blue door for the El Camino.

You know what?

I bet that's why I lost my list.

Karma did it.

So I'd realize what losing something feels like.

I gotta add that blue door to my new list.

What's this?

We're going to find out who's smarter. I can beat you at any game. Pick one.

Uno, Jacks, Twister...

Those aren't about intellect.

Fine.

Operation. That's a game made by doctors.

Here comes another one!

Boys, get in here and tie yourselves to your mother!

We're going back to the ditch!

You, next!

Catalina was about to change the way the world treated her

but, instead, something changed her.

A Bible.

Dios mio!

Another tornado has been sighted here in Camden,

and it looks like there's more to come!

Was that my daughter?

They said there's another one coming! You gotta get inside!

No can do, Earl.

A captain always goes down with his ship.

Fine. Suit yourself. But don't come crying to me when...

Oh, my God! Randy!

My brother got sucked up into the tornado!

Quick!

Everybody drag your mattresses into the parking lot!

You're not dead. Thank God.

I'm so sorry.

Why are you sorry? I've never felt more alive!

I rode a tornado. I was flying!

And you should see all the stuff up here.

Like a toaster...

tennis racket...

skateboard...

A gun.

Damn it, Randy!

What have I told you about throwing guns?

Right. Not to do it.

There's a half a kitty cat up here.

You wouldn't believe what they put inside a kitty cat.

It's like really gross soup and snakes...

Check it out! We got a boat!

You are so smart.

Is that what that is? A boat?

I didn't know that. I thought it was a herd of lions.

Actually, a group of lions is called a "pride."

I knew that. It's in The Lion King.

Shut up!

So you know a bunch of stuff that's in a cartoon.

I'm the kind of smart that people care about.

- the kind that matters the street. - What kind is that?

Street smart, dumbass, which clearly you're not or you'd have known that.

"Street smart" is just something dumb people say

when they want to use the word "smart" to describe themselves.

Dumb people, huh?

Okay, Mr. Genius.

Let's see how brilliant you are when you don't have a place to sleep

'cause you won't be in the trailer that I was smart enough

to get my name on the deed and you weren't.

That's not smart.

You married Earl and had him sign it over to you

when he was whacked-out on morphine.

That's right. Street smart.

Everybody got their stuff back from Catalina.

She didn't care.

She was in the middle of a religious experience.

God slapped a gun out of my hand.

He knew I had evil in my heart.

I know I say this all the time to get bigger tips,

but I truly have been a very bad girl.

And she wasn't the only one feeling guilty.

I know the Bible hit you,

but there's a decent chance He was aiming at me.

I once got pregnant with the Devil's baby.

The Devil's the mascot at the local junior college, but still.

It was so cool when I was flying!

The only thing I'd change is, next time,

I'd bring a couple tiny bags of peanuts with me.

You didn't fly, Randy.

You got thrown up on the roof by a tornado.

You're a naysayer.

Just like all those people that said that Orville Redenbacher couldn't fly.

Another tornado has just ripped through Nathanville,

and it's been spotted heading towards Camden.

I'm gonna ride the sky, Earl.

Time to ride the sky!

Yes, Dodge, it was very smart of me

to make these silver dollar pancakes

with a lighter and a spoon, heroin-style.

Man!

Mama made teeny pancakes,

and all I did was use the boat's motor to charge the battery

so I could hook up a TV/VCR

for some Sponge Bob videos

and this Sno-Kone machine.

Got our favorite flavor... blue.

Look!

I guess you love me too much

to run to your father!

Baby, look what we're doing.

I'm pimping out a fishing boat.

You turned the boys into some kind of love yo-yos.

This doesn't seem like good parenting.

Don't you lecture me! I'm a good parent.

I would never let anything happen to my...

Hold on, boys!

Mama's got you!

Hold on!

Between the weather and the Bible, Catalina and Patty were pretty sure

the man upstairs was trying to tell them something.

The question was what.

Please, God, we just need a sign!

Was that the sign?

That's the sign!

An ark!

Just like in the Bible.

We got to get in that boat.

Floods are coming!

You got to come in!

I'm gonna fly, Earl!

Just like that baby in the stroller.

Lucky baby. Wait up!

Okay, I tried to be nice.

Now I'm not giving you a choice.

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

I'm gonna shoot you in the leg,

drag you upstairs to save your life.

Did you shoot me?

Nothing happened.

Do it again.

The hell?

There was a reason those bullets didn't hurt Randy. Or his pants.

All right, boys.

Time for the annual birthday race!

Are you sure you remembered to put in the blanks this time?

I miss Mom.

On your mark...

Get set...

Twister!

There's no way I missed you twice.

Something weird is going on.

I know.

I've been sucked up by a tornado, shot in the leg,

and nothing's happened to me.

Maybe I'm invincible.

Maybe you are. Or maybe I'm dreaming.

I'm invincible.

But why? Why am I invincible?

What am I supposed to do?

I think God made you invincible.

To do good.

Cool.

Finding out God made your little brother invincible

kinda changes the dynamics in your relationship.

See, Earl.

All we had to do is take one day off from the list

- and it was the greatest day ever. - For you.

You get to be invincible and go save people,

I go to rewrite my whole list and go do it without you.

Forget the list! Come with me and watch me do awesome superhero stuff.

We'll get so much as.

I can't just forget the list, Randy.

I can deny my superpowers.

Are you saying we should do stuff separately?

'Cause that's what it sounds like, and I don't like it.

Maybe Karma wants us to take turns with our missions.

We can go back and forth between my list and you helping people.

I think God could live with that.

Look at that.

Mr. Genius's boat is gone.

Look, Mom!

I found a gun!

Give me that.

You're not 13 yet.

Go look for your daddy.

He's probably off in a ditch writing a term paper

about how much smarter he is than me.

I swear to God, the next time he corrects me

on some nerd crap nobody cares about,

I'm gonna pick him up and slam his head right through a...

With the Brat out of commission,

Joy had to find a more creative way to get Darnell to the hospital.

Darnell, everything's gonna be okay. Don't worry about the kids.

I left them with Eugenia.

Told her if she keeps them safe, I'll bake her a pie.

They'll be fine. Bitch loves her pie.

May I mambo

dog face to the banana patch?

Michael Landon.

No Michael Landon! You stay away from him.

You can't die. You're the smart one.

What if we have to move the stereo again?

All those cords? You fight, damn it!

I figure I don't have to help everybody with my superpowers.

Like, if you're a guy that does experiments on chimpanzees,

and then you're trapped in a tree by a bunch of chimpanzees,

I'd be like, "Sorry, bro."

That seems reasonable.

Over here!

We need two men to repopulate the Earth.

No, thanks.

We have steaks.

I could eat.

Really, it was nothing major.

I just flew up on the roof, stopped two bullets.

You know, basic first-day superhero kind of stuff.

Crap, it's Joy.

Hold on, baby.

What happened to Crab Man?

Bless his heart, he took a header through the trailer wall.

I got to get him to a hospital before his whole brain leaks out.

I don't think you're gonna make it to the hospital.

That's the biggest giant, swirly wind thingy yet!

There's a storm cellar behind the church.

They used to put special kids in there for Sunday school.

Yeah, I got to go in there. Earl didn't 'cause he's not special.

Guys, this is serious.

If you don't get down to that cellar, you're gonna die.

God wants me and Patty to stay on the boat.

If it means we die, then we die.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I shook off too many diseases to give up now.

- Damn it, it's locked! - Step aside!

I'm invincible.

I'm vincible!

Move, dummy. I'll do it.

Maybe my invincibility went into the lock when I hit the door.

The gun's shooting blanks, you idiot.

What's with the gunshots and whatnot?

Trying to save your ass!

Unscrew that garden hose!

I'm gonna show you a little thing I learned

from the king of street smarts:

Mr. MacGyver.

Joy had learned enough from MacGyver to know

you didn't need bullets to open a locked cellar.

Door's locked!

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Come on, dummies!

Why you doing this?

Because God wants me to!

So you know what God wants?

God wants me to stay on this ark!

God wants me to go with you.

Dag. That plan you came up with was way beyond street smart.

That was street genius.

They were blanks. I wasn't invincible.

Probably not.

But you did fly in a tornado.

Nobody can take that away from you.

That's true.

At some point, we're gonna have to talk about the fact

that you tried to shoot me twice. But not right now.

I really appreciate you dropping everything and sticking with me.

It's only fair. You've always stuck with me.

Next time you get a mission, it'll be...

one day your mission, one day my list.

My God! The list!

Where'd you get this?

I found it right away. It was on the boat.

I was pretty pissed, so I didn't want to tell you.

And then with the whole superhero thing,

I guess I just forgot about it.

Wait, this doesn't make sense.

I thought Karma took it to teach me a lesson about finders keepers.

And now I'm not sure what any of this meant.

Tell me about it.

Why did God give me and Patty so many conflicting signs?

The gun, the Bible, the boat,

the Bible again.

And why'd he make me think I was invincible?

You guys don't think God's losing his mind, do you?

I don't know how old he is, but he's got to be getting up there.

Maybe all of it means nothing.

Tornadoes tend to be stressful times in which people ascribe

heightened meaning to random events of physics.

I heard that from a very smart man.

It's tempting to look for messages when crazy stuff starts happening.

But maybe that's wrong.

Maybe some things are just random.

- Dad, I found our Bible! - I found your gun and a steak!

Great!

All right. Fastest runner gets to eat it.

Or maybe nothing is random.

Hard to say.

Excuse me.

I think I owe you a blue door.

Subtitles: Jarick & Ricana

www.tvsubtitles.net