Original subtitles

Oh god!

Stop! Stop!

Hey, stop!

Stop! My purse is in there!

I'm gonna call the cops!

Stop!

Marco, it's five hours, door-to-door, tops.

It's not even nine.

I know, but Manuela's kind of rigid

about Christmas Eve dinner.

All I have to do is put Mom and Dad in the car.

What did they say about you and Bill getting divorced?

Nothing, because I got here after they went to bed.

Lisa, you have to tell them before you get here.

I'm not dealing with a huge blow-up

in the middle of Christmas Eve dinner.

Listen, you stop telling me what to do.

I'm 50 years old, which is way older than you are you little...

All right!

Relax. Jesus.

Don't let Dad drive.

I got this. All right?

I will call you from the road.

Just so you know, they're

gonna wanna stop, so-Bye!

you’ll wanna get going because they are sl-

I can do it...

I can do it. Can’t you see...?

Mom?

Lisa! (panting) - Are you okay?

No. You almost gave me a heart attack.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How are you, honey?

You look tired. Did you get any sleep?

I did. I - I - I got my run in.

Oh. - I'm ready to hit the road.

Good. - [Aldo] Is that Lisa?

Of course it's Lisa. Who else would it be?

He talks like people come here. No one comes here.

Dad, let me help you with that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I am an expert at this.

If that slips, you're gonna fall down the stairs.

Oh, good, then maybe he'll learn he can't do that.

Do you hear her?

She wants me to fall down the goddamn stairs.

I want you to do things right.

There, I did it.

Well, at least you're packed.

Hey, I'm going to start walking too. Five miles a day.

When? You barely walk five steps from the TV.

After Christmas, eh?

When we come back, I'm going to walk. You'll see.

- [Lisa] Mm. - Don't hold your breath.

Come, give Dad a hug.

I'll make coffee.

Oh.

Actually, I'm off coffee since last month. Wine too.

You must be a joy to be around.

I think it's great. Good for you.

Okay. Um, I'm gonna go take a shower.

Why are you FaceTiming me, Bill?

What? - Look at your phone.

Oh shit, okay, yeah,

I'll call you right back. - No, no, no.

No, no, just hit...

Oh shit.

What's up?

The first edition signed copy of "The Da Vinci Code,"

is that yours or mine? - What?

I'm going through some stuff-

I thought you were taking your stuff.

Right, I am, which is why I'm asking-

Do you really think that I remember

who "The Da Vinci Code" belongs to after 20 years?

I'm just making sure I don't take anything-

Just keep it.

Just put it on a bookshelf in your new place.

I don't know, rip it up, burn it, I don't care.

Lisa... Seriously, Bill. Jesus.

It's just a book.

Have you told your parents... I'll be right there!

I gotta go. - [Bill] Lisa...

Li-

What? - [Tano] Wow.

Sounds like you're having fun.

Oh, sorry. Tano, I thought you were Bill.

I'm glad I'm not. You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Mom and Dad, okay?

Yeah, they're great. I just wanna get on the road.

Good luck with that.

When I was home a month ago,

it took me an hour to get 'em in the car

just to go to dinner.

They're slowing down, especially Mom.

Have you told 'em about Bill yet?

Nope. - Good. Don't.

What do you mean? I have to.

Why? Have they asked about him?

No, they never ask about him.

Well, I wouldn't tell 'em.

'Cause you never tell 'em anything.

And it's worked out pretty well for me so far.

Has it, T? You're 55.

You still haven't told 'em.

Nisha's coming back for Christmas.

Okay, I gotta go! I'll see you tonight!

Love you!

You didn't tell them I'm coming?

I want it to be a surprise.

Well, we could really surprise them

and stop off in Las Vegas and get married.

Yeah. Right.

Okay, let's have some breakfast, then we'll hit the road.

We don't eat now. It's too early.

Early? It's 9:30!

I eat breakfast on the road. That's how I do it.

I am at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

You know you're getting old

when the candles cost more than the cake.

What are you reading, Mom?

My friend Jan sends me such funny jokes on my email.

Why are you taking the yolks out?

Egg white scramble.

Tons of protein. Zero fat.

Good, good. Keep it up.

You look great.

There he goes. I told you, don't comment on her weight!

What? I did not... Why?

Because you said it damaged you.

Yeah, when I was little.

You were too goddamn sensitive.

You told me to go on a diet in fourth grade.

You were fat!

I was 10.

And I wasn't fat.

Of course you weren't.

And now look, she's too skinny, wasting perfectly good food.

There. Happy?

Oh, I don't know why you always need to be so dramatic.

It's a mystery.

Oh, look! We have a Christmas card from Dino.

From Dino? Hey, bring it here!

Yes, sir.

That hurts?

Everything hurts. Everything.

All the time.

You should see a doctor.

I told her. She doesn't listen, the stubborn German.

Be quiet.

We see too many doctors. That's all we do, is see doctors.

That's why I don't feel well.

Too many doctors. - Oh, oh, oh beautiful.

Beauty. What a beautiful family.

Kids are so big. - Oh god,

Dino's handsome, huh?

Hey, and tall. Look how tall he is.

Dad, he's 45. He's been that tall for 30 years.

Don't be such a battleaxe.

Aldo. - Battleax.

Let's call him.

Why? What for?

I want to thank him for the card. Where are you going?

Outside.

Say a hello to your brother, no?

Mm, no thanks. I'm good.

You know they don't talk.

Why? Why. Why don't they talk?

How would I know?

I think it's terrible.

It is what it is, Aldo.

Aldino! (laughs) It's Dad.

Hey, great Christmas card.

Beautiful, beautiful. Call me!

He's not there.

Okay, guys, we really

have to get on the road.

Relax. I'm waiting for a fax.

Well, have 'em email it.

I can get it on my phone. - Don't tell me what to do!

You're a shit stirrer!

Aldo. - I make the rules!

I live my life my way!

No. No.

I will load the car. - I load the car.

Okay, how about I bring the bags out to the car,

and then when you're ready, we can load it together?

Let me help you.

That's not happening, lady who can't lift her iPad.

Aldo, she flew all the way from New York just to drive us.

We don't need her to drive us, huh?

I know what she's doing.

What is she doing?

Taking over. Huh?

Trying to make us old! She be home with her husband.

Since when do you give a damn about Bill?

It's not going to fit.

Of course it will fit.

Where?

Why would you buy something so huge?

You're ridiculous.

Hey, Dad. Betsy's on the phone.

Betsy? What the hell does she want?

She says she needs to talk to you?

What?

Why is Dad's secretary calling on a Saturday?

I told you to watch your brothers

until it's time to get in the car.

When is it going to be time? It's taking forever.

It's not fair.

Well, I have news for you, Lisa. Life's not fair.

Now, get going or I'm going to cancel the whole damn trip!

I hate this family.

What else is new?

Here, Mom, let me help you.

Oh. Thank you, Tano.

What do you want, you just want

this big one on the bottom?

I guess. It's too big!

I don't know how it's gonna fit.

Your father's crazy. - Come back here!

No!

Because I'm going on vacation with my family.

I don't care how you feel. No, you listen to me.

Hey, Marco. - How's the drive?

We're not on it yet. Dad's waiting for a fax.

Who faxes anymore? Tell him to have 'em email me.

I told him.

Tell him if he doesn't leave now, he's gonna hit traffic.

I told him!

Tell him lobster ravioli's on the table at seven.

If he's not here, he's shit outta luck.

Oh! I think we may have a winner.

But just so you know, this show should never go on tour.

They are old, they are crabby, they overpack, and-

Lisa?

They... [Marco] Lisa.

God, Mom can't even move.

Dad is a... [Marco] Lisa!

You know what? They should just stay in Vegas.

And have people come see them, like Cirque du Soleil.

Relax. They have their room here.

The kids love them visiting.

People need to stop telling me to relax. I can't relax.

I'm with Mom and Dad.

For one day!

They're here for an entire week,

just like every Christmas for the last 18 years,

and they're fine, okay?

It is fine! It will be fine!

Yeah.

Totally fine.

I thought you were going for a run?

Changed my mind. Going to work.

On Christmas Eve?

Billions of people around the world

work on Christmas Eve, Manu.

Because they have to. The restaurant's closed.

What happened?

Nothing fucking happened-

Don't say that word in front of the Christmas tree.

Why not? It's a goddamn tree.

It can't hear me.

Oh my gosh, Dad, can you swear any more?

Dad's having a Christmas meltdown.

You think this is funny?

Kind of.

Gia, take your brother, buy your gifts. Go.

And you, whatever made you how you are right now, fix it.

I don't want anger at the table tonight.

It's Christmas Eve.

Did you hear me?

Yes.

Heya, Dad. Mom's an 8 out of 10 on the mad scale.

Think you're right, buddy.

Let's go call Grandpa. Come on.

Lisa!

Come on, we gotta go! Marco's making ravioli.

Oh, what's with all the coats?

Open the backdoor.

- Okay, calm down. - Come on, open the damn door.

All right.

My hat. Take my hat.

Eh... there. There.

Did you get your fax?

Nah, they will email it.

Oh, what a great idea.

Go help your mother, huh?

She takes 10 hours to get in the car.

Because she can't move, Dad. She's in pain.

God, have some empathy.

Some what?

Oh, let me help you with this.

It's heavy. - No, no, no. I will do it.

Okay, do it.

Goddammit! Lisa!

Lisa!

Mom!

A miracle has happened!

Dad's ready, the car's packed!

Mom, you upstairs?

Mom. Mom!

Mom!

- Ow, you're hurting me. - Oh, Jesus, I thought...

What are you doing?

What? I came up to read, I-

I hate all of that shouting on the TV.

I must have fallen asleep.

Okay.

Well, we're going.

Ready for a road trip?

Alright.

Do you need help?

No, I'm fine.

Get your butt out of the bed.

Oh, I will. I will.

You! - [Young Dino] You!

You! - You!

You! - YOU!

Ahhh, stop it right now. Get in the car.

Him first.

Not the middle!

Not the middle! - Lisa.

Mom, I'm older.

Exactly. So act like it for God's sake.

I hate being in the middle!

Come on. In.

Hurry up.

Okay.

Here we go.

Lisa!

Lisa!

What the hell is wrong with you? You don't hear me calling?

Oh my god! No, I didn't!

Hard to believe!

Mom's coming. She fell asleep.

Did you pack the car up?

No, no. I need help lifting the suitcase!

So it's a good thing I'm here, right? To help you?

I could have gotten someone.

But you didn't have to because I am here,

and that makes you so happy and grateful, right, Dad?

You can say it. "I'm so happy Lisa is here."

Go, go. - "To help me."

Okay. - Go on.

Come on.

God, I can't live like this.

Just let me die.

Please.

Please let me die.

Stop acting so spoiled.

You have arms and legs that work...

Do you know how many don’t?

Grandma!

Grandma.

Let’s go.

Your family is waiting.

We did it!

Great. - [Ella] Oh god.

If you two are getting along, the world must be ending.

Nothing's ending, Mom. It's all good.

Here we go, madame.

Wha-no.

God forbid, he would lift a finger to help me.

Well, you don't need him. I'm right here.

What, so you're on his side now?

No, Mama, I'm not on anyone's side.

Hey, you, no. Uh-uh.

I drive. - What?

I came here to drive you to L.A. That means I drive.

Great, great, great.

I will ride in the back like a gentleman.

Good to know he can still do something like a gentleman.

Five hours.

Fuck.

Oh. We're outta gas.

Oh, for God's sake.

I thought you were going to fill it up yesterday?

So we stop. Big deal.

Not here.

Closer to the highway. - What's the difference?

I like the one near the highway.

You should have taken it there yesterday.

It's alright, Mom. Just tell me where to turn.

- Get to the left. - Not yet. It's up farther.

But it's on the left,

and she needs to be in the left lane.

Dino. It's Dad.

I left you a message. We're on our way to Los Angeles.

Call me.

So. You guys are going to Dino's on Christmas Day?

Who knows? - Of course we'll go.

We always go.

- Well they haven't invited us. - Invite, my ass.

I'm his father. Don't make problems. -Stop!

I'm not making problems.

- Oh, it's Bill. - Oh, don't answer it, Mom.

I'll call him back.

Uh... Hello? - [Lisa] Shit.

Bill? Hi!

Hey, are we still doing that call with the lawyers-

Uh - honey, you’re-I'm in the car with Mom and Dad.

You're on speakerphone.

Hi, Bill. Hi, Bill!

Mom's saying hi.

Bill, can you hear me? Say hi!

Hi. - [Aldo] Here, here!

It's here. - I see it, Dad.

You turn here!

Can I wait for the cars to pass

or do you want me to plow right through them?

Go, go, go!

Oh, sorry, Mom.

It's okay.

I pump the gas.

Fine! Pump the gas.

Fucking narcissist.

Sorry about that. - [Bill] Are you kidding?

Putting me on speaker with your mom?

She answered my phone.

Have you told 'em yet? - Which part?

Us getting divorced or, uh, me losing my job?

Lisa, I know how hard this must be-

No, you have no idea.

I cannot drown them in my river of shit right now. My mom is sick.

She sounded fine just now.

Well, half an hour ago, I thought she was dead.

What? - Yeah, I walked

into the bedroom, she was laying there, and I thought...

Lisa, God, I'm so sorry.

I know. Thank you.

But that doesn't have any bearing

on what we're doing... Yeah, it has bearing.

It has tons of bearing.

You know, my mom is - is old enough to die of natural causes,

and my life is still a fucking train wreck.

I mean, it wasn't - it wasn’t supposed to be like this, you know?

You and I, we were supposed to be settled, and happy-

I know. - And here it is,

Christmas Eve, and I'm with my mom and dad,

and we're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And I'm in the middle of our apartment, alone,

trying to separate you from me,

and... I don't know if any of this shit's even mine.

Okay, um...

Really? Okay.

All right, the desk in the bedroom,

the gray chair in the living room,

the TV, the stereo, the “Blue Boy”...

Oh wait, and the first edition "Da Vinci Code."

Wait, I thought you said that-

Yeah, I bought that for you

on our anniversary at The Strand,

and afterwards, we went to Union Square Cafe.

And you said...

That when we had a kid, we'd have to name it Leonardo.

Yeah.

Yeah, remember?

Even if it was a girl.

I can't believe I forgot that.

Yeah, maybe that's what I'm for, huh?

Remembering what you forget.

I think you're right.

We should try therapy.

No fucking way.

What? - I gotta go.

Lisa!

Get in. - Get out.

Get in the goddamn car.

No. I came here to drive you.

Who told you to do that?

Marco told me, Tano told me,

and if Dino cared about you, he would've told me.

Dad, you drove your car off the road last week.

At night. I can't see in the dark.

It's day. Get the goddamn car.

No.

Then get a ride to the airport.

- What are you doing? Stop it! - Asshole!

Dad! Hey!

Stop! Stop!

Hey, stop! My purse is in there!

I'm gonna call the cops!

Stop!

Ugh!

Jesus H. Christ.

My hat. Don't crush my hat.

Oh, I will crush your hat. I will rip it to shreds.

You are mentally unstable.

Yeah, it must be hereditary.

Honey, stop worrying. Your dad is a very good driver.

Oh, no, no, no. No Fox News.

I- I swear, I will jump out the fucking window!

Dean Martin again?

I love Dean Martin.

I know you love Dean Martin.

I saw him live at The Sands, 1967.

♪ Magic that you do ♪

'67. When I went to the first car show. Remember, El?

I wasn't there. I was home with Tano.

He was a toddler, remember?

And I was out in the world, making things happen.

"Making things happen." As always.

What the hell does that-?

You know. You know.

Anyone want some apple? I have some very nice apple.

for you children.

Remember that trip we took to Florida that Easter?

I'm so sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to Bill.

How is he?

Okay.

How is his sister doing

with that Oriental girl she adopted?

Her daughter?

They're fine. They're doing fine.

Well, she's not really her daughter.

Yes, she is, Mom. That's what adoption means.

And she's not, she's not Oriental. She's not a rug.

She's Asian. - Asian, I know.

That’s - they want us to say that now.

And African American, and Latinx. Whatever that means.

Goddamn liberals.

I've been saying Oriental my whole life.

Damn right.

People have been saying kraut

all their lives, Mom, and Nazi.

What about dago, Dad? Or WOP?

Knock it off! - Stop! Stop!

Oh my god, we're gonna die.

Stop talking nonsense.

Aldo, be careful.

♪ There go the raindrops ♪

Who wants some apple?

I cut up a very nice apple.

🎵 🎵

♪ Air outside is starting to feel like it might collide ♪

♪ With everything I know as true ♪

♪ But that's yesterday news ♪

♪ I used to think I knew my surroundings ♪

♪ That the road was flat, but the earth was round ♪

♪ The sky was blue ♪

♪ I trusted you ♪

♪ And then the level tipped to the right ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ And I was left all alone in the fight ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Stuck in the middle, stuck in the middle ♪

♪ Stuck in the middle of a sea of righteous indignation ♪

♪ The water rises each and every day ♪

♪ Washing all our critical thoughts away ♪

♪ Alas ♪