Original subtitles

What?

They, um…

- What? - They're ready for you out front.

- But if you need a moment, um… - No.

No, let's just go. Come on.

I know it can be hard being a woman in comedy

or even just, like, a woman in general, so…

Why are you being weird?

- Um, I'm just… - Take that off.

Can you get someone to wipe that stuff off the mirror?

- I don't know what that was. - Yeah, of course. Okay.

Um, all right.

Do you want a hug?

- I'm okay. - You sure?

- Yeah. - Okay. All right. I love you.

- Ladies and gentlemen… - What?

- …non-binary individuals… - Good luck.

- … esteemed members of the LGBTQ… - Thanks.

…please welcome Mary Beth Barone!

I'm Mary Beth.

Welcome to Galaxy Brain.

This is the first Netflix special ever to be done completely in vocal fry.

They're letting me do it in my native dialect.

And they found such beautiful crisis actors.

You'll get your checks on the way out.

- What's your name? - Victoria.

Victoria. And what's the main thing you do for work?

Um, I'm a medical assistant at an abortion clinic.

Medical assistant at an abortion clinic?

And what's your body count?

Actually, why don't we all just say our body counts?

I'm gonna count to three and we'll just say 'em. I'll do it too.

I hope no one's here on a first date.

Or maybe that's good.

So I'm gonna count to three and we're all just gonna say it.

Ready? One, two, three.

Okay, some of you didn't say.

I was like, "I'm gonna count, we're all gonna say our body counts,"

then some of you said nothing.

How do you think that makes Victoria feel?

It's not a way to build community.

And I won't forget it.

I met with Netflix and they said that I have three minutes to win people over.

The most people that are gonna click away from the special

will do so in the first three minutes.

Imagine if that happened in real life and most of you were gone already.

"I'm not really fucking with this. Let's go watch Emily in Paris."

They said I had to be likable, accessible, and non-controversial for three minutes.

It's, like, impossible. Everyone's so sensitive.

Can't say anything these days.

I couldn't get up here and be like, "I believe in science,"

without pissing off half the country.

So my pitch to Netflix, "I'm gonna get up here,

I'm gonna stand silently for three minutes."

They said that won't work because then what if people start jerking off…

…to a woman being quiet?

I was like, "But I have no tits," and they were like, "It doesn't matter."

They said "If people start jerking off and come faster than three minutes,

we've created the same problem."

And I've literally never won someone over in three minutes

'cause of how my face looks.

I should have stayed blonde.

I was blonde for one year, and that was the most likable I've ever been.

Completely different lifestyle.

I did a TikTok dance

'cause when you're blonde, you have to do those.

And I got a comment on the video that said, "Blonde Mary Beth

is giving girl who would call me a slur freshman year of high school."

"But would want me as her GBF by senior year,

and I'm absolutely living for it."

And blondes definitely have more fun,

'cause nothing is expected of them.

Brunettes, we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.

We're expected to read. We're expected to vote.

For one full year, no one thought I was gonna do either of those things.

I felt so free.

And it definitely changed people's perception of me.

'Cause if you see me brunette with a blowout,

you're like, "That's a bisexual standup comedian that lives in Brooklyn."

First immediate thought.

When I was blonde with a blowout,

I looked like the proud mother of three sons.

Macklin, Declan and Brayden.

And one daughter that I didn't really fuck with.

And I lived in Texas. God, family, football.

I looked like an idiot.

And I don't care about being smart.

I don't care about being smart. What's the point? Oppenheimer was smart.

Look what happened to him.

He still married a bitch!

I don't know if you guys saw Oppenheimer.

I saw it, I loved it. Won Best Picture.

I guess a lot of people thought that Emily Blunt's character was unlikable.

In a movie about the creator of the atomic bomb.

Just had to add a woman.

And I was blonde for a television show that I'm in called Overcompensating.

And we film that in Toronto,

so I lived in Toronto for four months last year.

I'm gonna move back for four months this year.

Toronto's cute. It's sort of like if they built New York City at Epcot.

Far away, it looks like a real city,

but if you knock on any of the building facades, it's hollow.

And people say Canada is a lot safer 'cause there's no guns,

but I think things also don't work as well.

So there's an airport in Toronto called Billy Bishop, which…

That's not the name of an airport.

Billy Bishop?

That's Macklin, Declan and Brayden's dad.

That's my fake husband who I adore.

My siblings came to visit while we were filming

and they were gonna fly out of Billy Bishop,

so they got there, they went to check in,

and at the desk, they were like, "So we're actually not flying today."

"We gave it some thought. There's no flights, but good luck."

So now I think maybe a few guns would be helpful.

Just keep people on their toes.

And of course, I want to write more fun jokes about silly things,

but it's really dark up here.

I just think 9/11 happened when I was too young for my brain to develop properly.

'Cause I was thinking about wordplay and how we need to ban it.

I think it's gone too far. I was trying to remember when I first had that thought.

It was when I was in London, I was in a cab,

and we drove past a bar that was called Jack the Chipper.

Which is a play on the name of serial killer slash rapist

Jack the Ripper.

So that would be like if, in 20 years, I opened a bar called Jeffrey Pepstein's.

With an adjoining bowling alley called Ghis-lanes.

See how quickly I can go from wordplay to sex trafficking.

British people are gonna hate that joke.

They're gonna be like, "It's not chipper like happy."

"It's 'cause we call French fries chips."

And it's like, "Well, I'm the one with the microphone, so…"

You have to always anticipate discourse.

That's what I've learned from posting online.

Some of the jokes I'm gonna say tonight I could never post online,

and I will point them out to you.

Feels safer to put them on a global streaming platform

'cause there's no comments section.

And I've prepared a lot.

I'm taking this very seriously

'cause it's still very rare for women to get Netflix specials.

I had to have sex with so many executives over there.

I was worried when they were gonna maybe acquire Warner Brothers.

It's like, "I just had sex with these Netflix guys

and now I have to bounce on some brothers?"

"How many are there?"

Most of my peers are men.

Male comedians are some of the worst people that we have.

Their personality disorder, it's narcissists with depression.

Depressed, but also with narcissism.

It's like, "Do you hate yourself or not?"

Figure it out and let me know.

And all the comedians I loved growing up are either disgraced or racist

or obsessed with trans people.

Or D, all of the above.

Ever since Katy Perry went to space, I have no heroes left.

When a comedian is accused of sexual misconduct,

I don't think they should be forced into retirement.

They should tour more, if anything.

'Cause then we know their whereabouts.

What's worse than a sexual predator?

A sexual predator with nothing but time.

Like Chris D'Elia, he was accused of being a pedophile,

so he took a year off, and in that year, he had a baby.

So now he has more access to kids than ever.

There's gonna be some tough concepts.

Some comedians don't have tough concepts.

I… I don't want kids, I decided.

Yeah.

I don't want kids 'cause it's too big of an age difference.

You're never gonna like the same music and movies and stuff.

Hard to bridge that gap.

My friend from high school had a baby. She's the first one from our little crew.

And now there's an eight-month-old boy in our group chat.

And we're not even sure if he's gay.

Don't think I can be friends with someone who doesn't have their shit figured out.

I don't want kids, but I'd love to be six months pregnant for one day

so I could wear overalls.

Maybe paint an accent wall.

And plop down on a big, fluffy couch and drink an ice-cold glass of lemonade.

There's no husband in the fantasy.

He passed away.

Afghanistan.

Not a soldier. He was there for a bachelor party.

It was a fentanyl overdose.

I did have a really scary thought the other day.

Imagine having a kid if you didn't want one.

Imagine having a kid if you didn't want…

Imagine having a lamp if you didn't want one.

Like a lamp shows up at your house you didn't order.

You're just like, "What the fuck am I gonna do with this lamp?"

Then you have to keep it in your house for 18 years.

I have my hands full right now. I adopted a puppy.

Her name is Pinky.

She's a… Yeah.

She's a chihuahua from Tijuana.

She crossed the border to take the job from an American chihuahua.

She just has better work ethic.

She is a dog and an immigrant.

We keep her away from Kristi Noem for two reasons.

Thank you.

I found a neurodivergent dog trainer for Pinky.

I looked for one specifically 'cause I didn't want it to be a hobby for them.

I wanted it to be an obsession.

So we're teaching her to bite.

No, I need her to be a good dog.

I had a bad dog once before and I cannot go through that again.

Our family dog growing up, her name was Bailey.

She was a Jack Russell terrier

and she held our family hostage.

She was a domestic terrorist.

I think it was the Irish in her.

I'm not just saying she would bark at the vacuum.

Bailey would actually bite car tires as people were pulling out of our driveway

and pop holes in them.

She was responsible for 17 flat tires

and three car bombs.

So I really need Pinky to be a good dog. She's doing pretty well.

She's been pulling on a leash a bit when we're out on walks.

So I called the trainer. "What should I do?"

And she said, "Well, some people put meat on a stick

and they take it on the walks with them to keep the dog engaged."

I was like, "Okay, so what should I do?"

"I can't walk around Brooklyn with meat on a stick."

"I'm in a TV show."

So I have to send her away to a week-long intensive training camp.

I was filling out the 90-minute onboarding survey

where you answer questions about your dog.

One of the questions was "Has your dog ever bitten a human?"

"If so, please rate the severity from one to seven."

So one was it left a mark, but it didn't break the skin.

Seven was the victim died.

I was like, "Are you guys training killer dogs here?"

But I caught myself being judgmental because crime is a social issue.

And I'm raising Pinky as an atheist socialist feminist.

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her.

'Cause your dog is a reflection of you, and I'm really hard on myself.

We had a very tough moment.

We were at John F. Kennedy International Airport. We were going on vacation.

It was six in the morning

and Pinky decided to take a shit in the automated revolving door.

What do I mean by automated? It just keeps going.

It was so early. I was like, "She doesn't have to go yet."

As soon as we stepped inside this revolving door, she took a shit.

It happened so fast. There was nothing I could do.

When we walked out, I was panicking. I'm like, "I need to tell someone."

"If I just leave this here, it will eat away at me for the rest of my life."

And it's like, who do you tell something like that to at the airport?

Everyone that works there now just pushes wheelchairs.

Can't tell the ticketing desk. They're so mean, they'll scream at me.

This isn't Canada, okay? They have guns.

So I thought the only appropriate thing to do after what just happened,

I'm gonna get on the plane and I'm gonna blow it up.

'Cause I'll never be allowed back at JFK.

So I went through security thinking that's what I was gonna do.

And then I saw these two women at the help desk at Terminal 4.

They had very kind faces.

I just walked up to them and I said, "Um, something really bad just happened."

They said, "What?"

I said, "My dog took a shit in the revolving door."

Keep in mind, every second I'm waiting to tell someone about this,

the shit's just going around and around and around.

So I told them my dog took a shit in the automated revolving door.

But when she put her hand on my hand, she said, "It's going to be okay."

We had a laugh about it.

She said, "We'll call upstairs, they'll stop the door, they'll clean it,

and also, this has never happened before."

And then I was feeling a little proud.

And I looked down at Pinky and I said, "Well-behaved women rarely make history."

Pinky is very inspiring to me.

She's actually inspired me to write a movie.

It's a body swap comedy.

And it's about a girl whose dog swaps bodies with her boyfriend.

And not that much changes.

And in fact, their relationship gets better.

The dog finally teaches the woman what unconditional love is.

Then the boyfriend kind of likes being a dog

'cause then he gets to contribute to the household even less.

So they decide not to swap back.

And the movie's called Stay.

But I'm gonna set it in 2019.

Everything I write from now on I'm just gonna set in 2019,

so I don't have to address Ozempic.

Ozempic really brings out the worst in me.

Of course I'm happy it's available for people who need it as medicine.

My dad was a doctor. I love medicine. I support pharma, big and small.

But as someone that had an eating disorder,

I don't think it's fair that rich people get the benefits of a mental illness

without actually having it.

No one wants to get off their ass and have an eating disorder anymore.

So imagine if I posted that joke online.

Someone discovered me through that joke.

And I definitely wouldn't recommend getting an eating disorder.

It's not worth it. Like, you save a lot of money.

But you have all the problems you had before,

then on top of that, you're hungry.

I know that's resonating with, like, four girls in here.

Whoo!

And hey, maybe one guy.

It's 2026. Guys can have 'em now.

I think it's called intermittent fasting.

I'm a comedian, but I give back. I'm also an actor.

And with acting, it's a lot of auditioning. It's a lot of rejection.

That can affect your self-esteem.

Sometimes you get an audition

and you're like, "I hope I'm not right for that."

They send you a description.

I got an audition once. The character's name was Sally.

The description said, "Sexy but thin trailer park, meth addict type…"

"…who's seen better days."

Which means that casting saw my headshot,

and they were like, "This could be our girl."

Trailer park, meth addict type who's seen better days.

It was actually pretty tame for a Ryan Murphy project.

I was relieved I did not book that one.

The show that I'm in, Overcompensating, is about college students,

which is much more my speed at 34.

We filmed a few days on a college campus, which brought back a lot of memories.

So, who here went to college? Clap if you went to college.

If you went in the US or Canada,

you might remember, on campus, they had these emergency phones every 200 feet.

These giant red poles with a blue light on top of them, and they were phones.

When I got to college, it was explained that those were installed

to help combat sexual assault on campus.

So to me, that just shows

a fundamental misunderstanding of how sexual assault works.

They don't let you make a phone call.

Did you guys think they were letting us make a phone call?

I would have loved to be in that brainstorm.

Trying to come up with ways to combat sexual assault on campus,

there's one woman in the room and she's like,

"We could just expel students who assault other students."

Then one of the guys, he's a lot louder, and he's like, "Those are my friends."

Then another guy's like, "What if we had more phones?"

"Maybe it's just, like, a lack of phones."

Both of those men are in Congress now.

Democrats.

I don't hate straight guys.

I don't, despite their best efforts.

I'm actually dating one right now. I'm in a relationship. Yeah.

I'm in an open relationship.

My boyfriend and I are very open. We broke up.

That's about as open as it gets.

And we did long distance New York to London for five years

'cause he's British.

So the day we broke up, I walked out of my apartment,

I went over to the East River and I just dumped a teabag in there.

It felt like the right thing to do.

And being single when you're bisexual, it's like, "Really? No one?"

'Cause it's out of everyone.

And it's still no one.

But it feels different this time

'cause I have zero interest in having casual sex with strangers.

I'm just not casual sex girl,

and it took me 34 years on this Earth to admit that about myself.

I fall in love with almost every single person I've ever had sex with.

I put my entire self-worth and my life's happiness in their hands.

When they don't respond to a text from me, I go into a state of deep psychosis.

Because women really come into their own as storytellers

when we're waiting on a text back.

Sabrina Carpenter's written, like, three albums about it.

Casual sex is like religion. It'd be so cool if it was real.

And I pretended to believe for a while, just in case.

I don't even know what the sex trends are now.

Last time I was single, it was choking.

Where do we go from there? Drowning?

Having someone hit me with their car?

Then I think about myself in my twenties, getting choked by a stranger,

drunk and probably on a weeknight.

Being a woman in your twenties is a horror movie.

If there are any women here in their twenties, it gets better.

Well, it doesn't get better.

But you're more tired, so you make better choices.

And I still dabble, of course. I'll backslide sometimes.

I was hooking up with this guy and I was giving him a hand job

'cause I like to reference the classics.

I was just doing my thing. I was going for it.

And he just came.

He didn't tell me.

But I kind of liked it.

It felt very "our next guest needs no introduction."

Turn of the century almost.

Like before they knew to smile in pictures.

That got me thinking, when did that start?

When did men start announcing that they were gonna come?

Couldn't have been that long ago.

No way men were going overseas and killing Nazis

and then coming back and doing that.

Like, "Martha, Martha."

"I'm gonna come."

It doesn't sound right.

When I hook up with guys, I'm doing bits.

Because I have to make it fun for me.

Sex is for them. The bits are for me.

So I have this bit that I do after I have sex with a guy.

I'll straddle him, and I'll look down and I'll say,

"I could put this pillow over your face right now and kill you."

And then I laugh.

I had sex with this guy who had a bunch of tattoos.

I just had a feeling I wasn't gonna hear from him again, 'cause of the tattoos.

He wouldn't tell me what any of his tattoos meant. He refused.

So after we had sex, I turned to him and I said,

"I should probably know what your tattoos mean if I'm having your baby."

I didn't hear from him.

So I took matters into my own hands.

I got an STD test so I had an excuse to reach out.

I did that. I was patient. I got the test, got the results.

I texted him, I said, "I got an STD test. Results were negative."

"Still pregnant though."

And I did that for me.

I'm reading a book called

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Life with the Heart of a Buddha.

So I'm doing good.

It's a universal sign for someone that's doing good.

I don't think it's fair that I have to reach spiritual enlightenment

to function in a relationship.

It's like, what's my future partner doing right now?

Probably watching a YouTube compilation of someone else playing video games.

Why?

Why is that entertaining?

Have you ever hooked up with someone so immature it actually feels predatory?

All the women in here.

The founder of Bumble said that she thinks the future of dating

is you create an AI, and that goes on a date with someone else's AI,

and you see if they're compatible.

So now I think there should be less women in STEM.

I think we may have overcorrected.

I do date women as well.

But if I end up with a woman, that's two crazy people living in the house.

'Cause women are crazy.

I think we need to embrace it more. We need to let it empower us.

When men are crazy, they don't let it hold them back.

When men are crazy, they, like, redraw congressional maps.

We could be harnessing the crazy a bit more. I'll talk about that at the end.

And crazy is a spectrum, of course.

You know how there's lowercase T trauma and capital T trauma?

I think there's lowercase C crazy and capital C crazy.

So I know this girl who ran into her crush on the sidewalk,

so she lied and pretended to have a podcast

so that she could sit down and interview him for two hours…

…recorded it,

and she considered that their first date.

So that's obviously lowercase C crazy.

And then capital C crazy,

I guess the classic example is, like, faking a pregnancy.

But then I'm like, "I kind of wanna hear her side of the story."

Maybe it's a hilarious bit she was doing.

To a guy with tattoos.

But men are not allowed to call us crazy.

That's a slur, 'cause they don't use it right.

Guys will be like, "Yeah, my girl's crazy. She'll, like, call me."

"She wants me to pick up."

And girls are like, "Yeah, my guy's crazy. He tried to kill my mom."

"But we got through it. She was being kind of mouthy that day."

I know a lot of bisexual girls come to my shows.

I want to start hosting bi girl mixers before

where you can all meet and become friends, but never hook up.

Bi girls don't really want to date each other.

Bi girls only want to date straight guys who look gay,

and the scariest lesbians you've ever seen.

You haven't lived until you've been ghosted by a power lesbian in a fedora.

Because that happened to me. She was so old.

She was so old.

She was so old that when she put her number in my phone…

I don't know why she bothered, 'cause she never texted me back.

She actually filled in the birthday field.

So now her birthday is permanently on my iCalendar.

I can't remove it.

Lisa, 48 this year.

Congrats. That's a big one.

Who here likes doggie? Clap if you like doggie style.

For those of you that didn't clap, what do you do when you want sex to be over?

You can DM me. I'm genuinely curious.

My advice to queer businesses.

People are always asking me, "Mary Beth, you're a comedian."

"What's your advice to queer businesses?"

And queer businesses are those little storefronts with a pride flag,

and they sell, like, soaps, and key chains, and artisanal condiments.

My advice to queer businesses,

you have to be open sometimes.

I would love to engage in a transaction with you,

but I'm not able to.

I went to patronize a queer business in Brooklyn once.

I got there. It was closed, obviously, 'cause it was a Wednesday.

And the hours on the door said "Thursday to Monday, 1 p.m. to 6 p.m."

My head was spinning.

I was like, "Monday comes first."

I'd never seen it written out like that.

And I never did get to shop there, but now I manage my expectations.

Like, I ordered a T-shirt online from this trans designer who I love,

and I got an email about a week later saying my T-shirt was gonna be delayed.

I was like, "Oh, I never thought I was getting a T-shirt."

I just wanted to support.

I do think I should be in charge of more things, 'cause I have really good ideas.

There was a period last year

where I was actually considering running for mayor of New York.

I'm so glad I didn't have to because I really didn't feel like it.

But I thought through what I would do if I was mayor.

First thing I'd do if I'm mayor of New York City,

I'm gonna close Rikers, which is this really fucked-up prison.

Second thing I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna reopen the Triangle Shirtwaist factory.

As a gay club.

You're on board. Okay.

If you missed that day in history, the Triangle Shirtwaist factory

was a garment factory in Lower Manhattan where women and children worked.

We would have all been best friends working there.

But they used to lock the workers in so they couldn't steal.

One day in 1911, there was this huge fire and everyone that worked there died.

So it's that space, but it's a gay club.

Just picture it. You're at the Triangle Shirtwaist factory.

It's, like, a warehouse. You're dancing.

You're on ketamine.

Once per night, we do a smoke machine to honor those we lost.

Next thing I'd do if I was mayor,

I wanna host, in New York City, the Oppression Olympics.

I'm sick of all the discourse. I wanna know who really has it the worst.

And I don't think white gay guys are gonna be very happy.

I love you guys.

I can always tell when a gay guy is pure of heart.

If he's not obsessed with me, then he's not.

But I'm not a gay guy trapped in a woman's body.

I'm a woman trapped in a woman's body.

If there was a gay guy in here, I think I'd be a lot happier.

My first boyfriend was gay, and we remained close.

I actually officiated his wedding.

And he and his husband recently welcomed a new addition to their family.

It's a boy named Luke.

He's a 31-year-old photo editor.

And they're happily in a throuple.

I don't like to generalize queer people,

but I think we can all agree that gay guys are horny.

If gay men could conceive babies through butt stuff,

the population wouldn't be declining.

And they are doing the fucking work.

Do you know how much prep goes into gay sex?

And I don't just mean the pill they take that's literally called PrEP.

They have to douche. They have to put a towel down.

They have to find a remote location in the forest 'cause their husband's home.

He's cool with it. He just has a Zoom call at that time.

Even lesbians, they have to carry backpacks.

See a girl at the club with a backpack, that's a lesbian and those are her tools.

We'll have free backpack check at the Triangle Shirtwaist factory.

In solidarity.

I just think straight sex could benefit from a few more steps.

A few more moments of pause to decide if it's something you really wanna do.

The stakes with straight sex are so much higher

and we don't acknowledge that.

If straight sex goes wrong, you could accidentally create human life.

Remember that lamp? Eighteen years.

If gay sex goes wrong, worst case, you have to change the fitted sheet.

And if you laughed at that, then I know you've done anal.

I think communication in sex is important, and you have your go-tos, right?

You have "Oh my God" and you have "Oh fuck."

I think if you're an "Oh my God," you kind of have to find an "Oh fuck."

You can't have two "Oh my Gods."

Two people saying "Oh my God" back and forth.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

That's not sex. That's an emergency.

That's your toast just caught fire.

And then two "Oh fucks."

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck."

That's not sex. That's talking shit about someone

and you check to see if you're sending them a voice note.

And you are sending them a voice note.

My goal with that joke

is that next time any of you are having sex and one of you says it,

you start laughing.

You have to tell the person that you're having sex with,

"Sorry, I was just thinking about Mary Beth."

Are you an "Oh my God" or an "Oh fuck?"

"Oh fuck." And are you single?

- Yes. - Oh my God!

Your "Oh my God" could be in here. It does feel very binary.

It's sort of like the top and bottom thing for gay guys.

By the way, I love that gay men have decided the one way to offend them

is to ask if they're a top or bottom.

It's like, "Sorry, you just asked to see a picture of my boyfriend's hard dick."

"But now we're Christian. Okay."

"You told a story about getting your butthole fingered

in the hot tub at Le Bain."

"But I crossed a line and I'm sorry."

My sister-in-law was telling me a story

about the bartender at her favorite bar in Austin.

He got fired for drinking on the job.

He was taking 12 shots throughout his shift.

I was like, "Was he gay?" She was like, "Why does that matter?"

I was like, "It actually couldn't matter more to the story."

That's the difference between a comedy and a drama.

If a straight man is taking 12 shots at work,

that's the saddest story I've ever heard.

That's Manchester By The Sea.

You should get him the help he needs.

If a gay guy's taking 12 shots at work, I'm like, "Invite him to Thanksgiving."

He sounds fun.

My first gay guy ever was my mom's brother,

my gay uncle Greg.

We just call him Uncle Greg.

And he's so iconic. He came out in the '70s.

He was at the very first Pride March ever.

And he starts every text to me with, "Hey, diva."

He speaks seven languages. Very eccentric.

He would be played by Philip Seymour Hoffman in a movie.

Just to give you an idea of this person.

And I don't know if anyone here has elders who scroll on their iPhone like this,

but this is how my Uncle Greg scrolls.

Whoosh!

Like he's about to blast off.

He's an excellent dinner guest

'cause you truly never know what's gonna come out of his mouth.

We were at Christmas dinner this past year.

Twenty of us sat around the table at my parents' house.

And my Uncle Greg looks at me and he goes,

"Have you ever considered doing yourself up as Michael Jackson?"

And then he said, "It wouldn't take much."

But it wasn't shade.

That question came into his head, so he said it out loud.

And you kind of see it, right?

I was between spray tans.

I didn't know how to begin to answer that,

so I was just like, "No."

"Never thought of that."

And I asked my Uncle Greg once…

I was like, "How did you get out of going to Vietnam?"

It's a fun question to ask old guys, to bond with them.

He said he had to go down to City Hall in New York

and write on a piece of paper three times, "I am a practicing homosexual."

And then he didn't have to go.

So now I think British actors should have to do that before they take gay roles.

Josh O'Connor, two more times.

Andrew Garfield, let's see it.

Daniel Day-Lewis, I didn't forget you played Lincoln.

That's another joke I couldn't really post online.

Comments would be like, "So you're policing people's sexuality?"

Well, someone should.

I guess that has to be me.

Posting online isn't all bad.

Sometimes I post things online and actually learn.

So I have this theory that there's two types of white dads.

You either have a white dad that cares how you load the dishwasher,

or you have a white dad that cheats on your mom.

Posted that online, comment section went crazy.

Turns out a lot of white dads are cheating.

I got a bunch of comments that said,

"Well, there's a third type of white dad. Autistic."

To me, that falls under dishwasher dad.

If a man has little projects, he's not stepping out on his woman.

Then I got just a few comments that said,

"My dad is a cheater, but my stepdad is a dishwasher dad."

Isn't that sweet?

Second chances at love are real.

My dad was solidly a dishwasher dad.

My parents had six kids, and they were married for 51 years.

Great for them. A bit of a missed opportunity for me.

Because I would have done amazing work as someone's bitchy teenage stepdaughter.

Watch this.

Rick!

You are not my dad.

Now give me a hundred dollars.

Thank you.

The audition that never came through.

My dad died last year, which I'm still heartbroken over

'cause I loved him so much.

I was so proud that he was my dad.

He was a surgeon, son of an immigrant.

From Italy. Not like a real one.

And I'm being told that because we had a great relationship and he died,

I now get to be a psycho for one full year.

A reward. When you have a bad relationship with your dad,

you get to be a psycho your whole life.

So I just get the one year,

but I keep deferring 'cause I don't know what I wanna do.

Drug habit's too easy.

My slut years are behind me, and I didn't even need an excuse for that.

I'm looking for inspiration.

I saw an ad. There was a woman, she had a tattoo right here.

For one split second, I was like, "Maybe it's a pussy tattoo."

Or I've been really compelled to comment on my ex's Instagram,

"You have no integrity."

Can you imagine if you saw that?

An actor posts a carousel from a photo shoot,

I'm in the comments, "You have no integrity."

No punctuation, no capitalization.

It's not the British ex either.

I can't tell you who it is, but I really want to.

When you see the comment, you'll know.

And then my year of being a psycho has begun.

So many bad men are still alive, but my dad had to die?

Woody Allen is 90.

JK Rowling.

I hate his books.

So long.

Joe Biden.

That bag of bones outlived my dad.

And do you know how many genocides my dad helped fund?

Zero.

Some of my friends still have grandparents.

I'm like, "Don't come to me with that shit."

If your grandparent dies when you're in your thirties,

you should be at work the next day.

You had enough time.

I do think the most important relationship in a young woman's life

is the one with her dad,

but there's another very telling, very formative relationship

that we don't talk about as a culture,

and that is a young woman's relationship with her ex-best friend.

Did you hear that?

She's in your mind.

I wanted to tell the story of my falling out with my ex-best friend,

but because I did everything right and nothing wrong,

it just sounds like I'm being mean.

So instead, I've been asking if anyone here at the show

wants to share the story of their falling out with their ex-best friend,

and I will tell you definitively if you were right or wrong.

So I heard hundreds of these stories, and these wounds run very deep.

One girl got the mic,

she told a 20-minute story that involved Hurricane Sandy…

…and Hobby Lobby.

And then she told me her ex-best friend's name was Anastasia.

I was like, "I don't want to victim blame, but

if you meet a girl named Anastasia…"

"…and make her your best friend, you kind of have it coming."

One girl in Pittsburgh, she was catfished by her best friend for a full year.

The best friend pretended to be a boy from another school.

The way she figured it out,

she went in her best friend's Google search history, and the first thing was,

"How to tell my best friend I've been catfishing her."

The second thing was, "How do I know if I'm a lesbian?"

And the third one was, "Fedoras in my area."

We are gonna ask if anyone here wants to share their story, just to see.

So does anyone in the… Oh, I saw a hand. Actually, let's do this one right here.

Look at this hot guy that's bringing a microphone.

- What's your name? - My name's Grace.

- What happened? - So it all went down in 2019.

We were best friends for 20 years.

And you know when you're, like, BFFs for 20 years,

and then it's like kind of gay at that point a little bit?

There's a moment in every 20-year female-to-female friendship

where you say, "Are we fucking or not?"

Yeah.

Let's just say she knew me. She knew me well.

And, um, my mom passed away in 2018,

and I, like, fell into a depression for, like, a year.

When moms die, you have to be depressed.

Dads, it's psycho. It's a bit more fun.

Yeah. Yeah, so I was, like, super depressed.

Wasn't really responding to texts.

I mean, like, even more so than usual. Like, I'm a bad texter.

- Um… - Ooh.

Doesn't bode well for if you're right or wrong, but…

But we were going to Coachella Weekend 1. I was, like, people-pleasing.

Like, trying to be a good friend. My mom died. I was still sad.

So right after we decided,

we got tickets to Coachella Weekend 1…

And then my boyfriend

surprises me with a card.

And he was there with me when my mom passed away.

Like, literally there.

Like, watched her pass away. Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, give it up for him.

- Yes. - What a king.

- Mensch. - Are you still with him?

- I am. - Okay.

My boyfriend, um, surprises me with a card

and he's like, "I'm going to run the Boston Marathon

and raise $10,000 for ALS."

It was the same weekend as Coachella.

Like it's Marathon Monday in Boston, and Coachella was, like, the same weekend.

Can I just say surprising someone with a card

that says "I'm running a marathon…"

…is… It's one of the worst surprises I could possibly think of.

I love a grand gesture. I don't know. I'm straight, so like…

Except for the friend thing.

So you told your best friend,

"I'm sorry to say, unfortunately, I cannot go to Coachella Weekend 1."

Weekend 1. But I will go Weekend 2.

We can just simply sell the tickets and go Weekend 2.

She's like, "I wanna go Weekend 1

because that's when all the celebrities go and stuff."

- So she was like-- - So she has a bad heart.

Yeah.

She has a dark energy.

Very dark energy.

So basically, like, we had a falling out after that, and she sent me…

Ironically, 'cause you know I hate texting.

She sent me, like, a 30-page text breakup.

After that, you didn't speak at all?

Literally didn't speak. I was crying.

And I will say she was a loyal, loyal friend for 20 years.

Okay. You offered a compromise,

which was to go to Coachella Weekend 2, which is more than fair.

And maybe she was harboring some resentments,

but also your mom died.

So I think in this situation, I do believe that you were in the right.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

'Cause you have to honor your relationship.

But it sounds to me like there could be a reconciliation in your future.

That's what it feels like.

Maybe not over text, right?

Definitely not.

Maybe you could send an email or a gesture like that.

Just be careful with reconciling.

I tried to reconcile with my ex-best friend.

We hadn't spoken in eight years, then we FaceTimed on January 1st, 2020.

A lot of people think that's actually what caused the COVID-19 pandemic.

So just tread lightly.

Because I think there's still some love on the table on this one.

Do you feel that? What's her first name?

Her name's Tatiana, Tanya.

Should have led with that.

She's from Belarus.

No, totally.

Thank you, Grace, for sharing. That's beautiful.

Wow.

Are there any porn addicts here?

- Whoo! - There's no straight guys here?

Straight guys love porn.

I was stuck in a conversation with a straight guy,

so I just asked him, like, "What type of porn do you watch?"

That's kind of the "How did you get out of going to Vietnam?" of our generation.

There's always a story there.

And he told me he likes to go on Pornhub and type in "hot girls."

Which I thought was pretty wholesome.

He turned the question back to me. He asked what type of porn I watch.

I watch squirting porn.

I love squirting porn.

It's genre-bending. It's action. It's comedy.

It's got a little something for everyone.

Then he asked a follow-up question. I was pretty impressed. That's two questions.

He said, "Do you think squirt is pee?"

And I was like, "How do I not know?"

Could we get one scientist to look into it for one day?

When I was touring, I did this joke at a show,

and this girl was like, "It's pee. I know it's pee."

I was like, "How?" She was like, "I read this study."

So I looked it up. It turns out Japanese scientists found five squirters.

I didn't know five people could be a study.

It turns out I've also done a study.

Japanese scientists found these five squirters.

M… made them squirt.

Filmed it for some reason.

Then they tested the squirt.

And what they found was that it is pee,

but it's not just pee.

And the other stuff, they don't know what it is…

…or where it comes from.

So that was when I learned that squirting porn is also science fiction.

It's pretty cool.

I was hooking up with this guy

who was really self-righteous about the fact he didn't watch porn.

I was like, "What do you do when you're jerking off?"

He said, "I go on Reddit and look at pictures of naked people having sex."

I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Walking around with this galaxy brain,

I am plagued by many deep and philosophical questions.

You've all heard,

if you had a time machine, would you go back and kill baby Hitler?

I think so much has happened since then.

We need a modern adaptation of the question.

So now I think it's, if you had a time machine,

would you go back and have sex with Mark Zuckerberg

to prevent him from inventing the Facebook?

So, would you? Would you have sex with Mark Zuckerberg?

Yeah, no.

- No. - No. Typical white liberal.

I would volunteer myself, but I think if I had sex with Mark Zuckerberg,

he would invent something worse.

I don't want to find out what that would be.

There's a lot of pressure on comedians to use our platform responsibly.

I get DMs all the time. "Why aren't you posting more about the environment,

about the genocide?"

"Why aren't you posting more about Wicked?"

It's like, "Sorry, I'm reading a study on squirting."

Then I'll post.

I think we're moving forward.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like that, but it's the little things you notice.

I was a child of the '90s.

When I was a kid, society had sort of decided

that the most embarrassing job a person could have was to work at McDonald's,

which is not even embarrassing.

Back then it was like, "What are you gonna do? Go work at McDonald's?"

"Flip burgers? They'll hire anyone."

And I think we're moving forward, because I truly believe, in 2026,

the most embarrassing job a person could have

is being a police officer.

If someone tells me they're a cop, I'm like…

"What?"

"You know strippers dress up as you, right?"

And the cops will hire anyone.

I have to give credit where credit is due. Cops are good at two things.

First, killing people, obviously.

And the second is merch.

Wow.

The NYPD has some fabulous merch.

You can actually buy NYPD merch at any New York airport.

Like it's a sports team.

There are teens in France walking around with NYPD T-shirts.

So if we want to abolish the police, we need that type of footprint.

So I'm planning to open a queer, abolitionist T-shirt shop.

We're open Tuesdays and Thursdays,

from 1 a.m. to 6 a.m.

And I hope we can count on your business.

I don't do impressions, and I don't do physical comedy,

but tonight I will be doing my impression of a pussy in a denim romper.

This is a pussy in a denim romper.

Let me out!

I can't breathe!

Democrats don't have a plan.

I've talked about it before. I used to be a Republican.

And I will say I miss winning.

Republicans always have a plan.

Did you see Project 2025?

That shit was airtight.

That shit was like a pussy in a denim romper.

And it just sucks that Republicans only care about making billionaires richer,

and protecting pedophiles, and taking away people's healthcare.

If they actually wanted to make America great, we would live in a utopia.

They're so good at manipulating laws.

And then Democrats are like, "We don't know any laws."

"Are they written down anywhere?"

Democrats are trying to fight fascism with the Jiffy keyboard.

And I know we need better candidates.

And we all really need to vote. That should go without saying.

But some of you didn't.

Some of you didn't vote. I'm looking at all the blonde people in here.

We need to expect more.

And I am also starting a grassroots movement to win the next election.

So this is something that every single woman in this room can participate in.

And, hey, gay guys too.

Come on, let's be helpful for once.

So I know when you see a guy on a dating app

whose political views are listed as moderate,

you usually just keep swiping.

Because moderate, of course, just means Republican.

But we really need the votes.

So I'm gonna need you to start matching with these guys.

I need you to go on dates with them.

And I'm gonna need you to have sex with them.

And then I need you to start sending them articles

from a left-leaning publication,

if you can find one.

And it's not gonna be fun.

I know they're gonna be wearing really ugly pants.

You're gonna have to listen to them talk about, like, free markets

or whatever the hell they believe in.

But we have to radicalize these moderates.

And I did the math.

If every single woman has sex with about 1,000 moderates…

…we might be able to win this thing.

So, my fellow Americans,

I want you to ask not what your country can do for you,

but what your cunt can do for your country.

That's so nice.

Thank you all so much. That's the show.

I love you all! Thank you.

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