All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine - Season 26 Episode 6

AGGRESSIVE GIBBERISH

Aaaahh!

Did you think I was in trouble,
lass?

I did. And you ARE!

Hello!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Hey!

I can see you're in a hurry
to get them before they go.

Well, if you had any really old
police mementoes, I might be
interested.

Badges, truncheons...handcuffs.

Wait here.

Belonged to Jack the Ripper.
They never caught him!

But they would have had him
if his boot hadn't come off.

If he moved as nimbly as you,
no wonder they never caught him!

I'm not sure this was a good idea.

We could take a short cut.

What short cut?

There's the road we came on
and that's all. Trust me.

This is my back yard, tha' knows.

Outlaw country.

You could get lost in a phone booth.

Mind you, for short cuts
we SHOULD listen to Alvin.

If anybody knows "short",
it's Alvin.

Just shut up a minute.

I'm trying to save your legs and
you've got more to save than most.

Instead of riding all
that way back by road,

why don't we go OFF road?

Straight down there.

Ah, yes, well,
thank you for the offer, Alvin.

I mean, what's insanity for unless
you can share it with your friends?

It's downhill all the way.

No pedalling necessary.

It's not a bad idea.

What would you call "a bad idea"?

Having to live with the wife
and her sister.

I'm outnumbered, outvoted,
outgunned.

It's like the Sheriff of Nottingham
was twins.

Maybe he was.
History sometimes gets things wrong.

Who now remembers that Dracula
was a Yorkshireman?

Dracula a Yorkshireman? Hmm.

His full name was Draculathwaite.

Enoch Josiah Draculathwaite.

I bet he was related
to Auntie Wainwright.

She goes for your wallet,
not your throat.

During the day. But who knows
what she gets up to at night?

Wear a bit of garlic
and you'll be all right.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Are we going to commit
suicide or aren't we?

You know me. I laugh at danger!

And this looks hilarious.

Way-hey!

Park it here.

Have you seen these
double yellow lines?

Yes. Very pretty.

You have to applaud these attempts
at brightening things up.

Leave it here. We shan't be a minute.

Oh,
how I wish this car wasn't so big.

She's not big. It's just that
all the other cars are small.

I'm going to have to let her go.

You can't let her go!

You've only just got together.

She is going to be your love boat.

She is the magnet for the ladies.

What ladies?
What about Mrs Micklethwaite?

I gave her a lift to the chip shop.

It's a start.
Who knows where it could lead?

It led to the launderette
and the off-licence.

Hey up, look at that.
You've just pulled another.

Oh.

How come you never take me out?

I take you out.

When? You take that wheely bin out
more than you take me.

I can close the lid
on the wheely bin.

Said he to his loved one,
only joking!

If I wore a skirt up to me earrings,
would that help?

I won't have my wife
parading about in a short skirt.

So, er...

how did this Draculathwaite get this
reputation for drawing blood then?

I told you.
He was related to Auntie Wainwright.

He ran a bicycle repair shop.

EJ Draculathwaite.

Inner tubes invisibly mended. He was
agent for Stokes' Bespoke Spokes.

Never catch on.
Needs to be snappier.

He went for everybody's throats.

How much snappier do you want?

Right, steady as she goes.

What were you doing, Norman?

I estimate about 90 miles an hour.

Draculathwaite?

Mmm.

He was one of the earliest
virtuosos of the bicycle pump.

He could make it suck
as well as blow.

He was in great demand
for drawing people's boils.

And he was doing wonderful things
with acne until the medical
profession became jealous and, er...

Well, they spread this rumour
about his teeth.

You see what happens
when you go out?

Do you take your wife out?

Would this be daylight or after dark?

Well, what difference does it make?

With some wives, big difference.

If she's that bad,
why did you marry her?

For money.

She's got money? No.

But I need some excuse.

Remember?

I remember legs, Barry.

I've got a pair.

The shorts.
Do you remember when we wore them?

We? I must admit they look
big enough for both of us.

It was when we went camping.

It was great. D'you remember?

It was economical. I remember
that was the main attraction.

It was exciting.
Adventurous. Outdoors living.

We really enjoyed it.

You don't think nowadays we're
built more for a nice hotel
with room service?

I suppose they are a bit big.

Your mother made me get this size.

She made me send
the other pair back.

She wouldn't let you go with me
if I wore skimpy shorts.

You know what they were like about
"things" before marriage
in those days.

Mmm.

We'd been married two years then.

He thinks he can't afford it.

I keep hearing it guzzling petrol.

I wouldn't mind, but it smacks
its lips. Don't listen!

Consider the advantages.

Has he thought of converting it
into a football stadium?

Don't upset him.
It's a crossroads in his life.

Four choices?
Ooh! He'll never make it.

He's only got one choice really.

Does he want to go from being
Mr Mean Machine with
the smooth white limousine

to being just somebody
who pushes your handcart?

I do. I really do.

Wrong answer. You're giving up
your chance at the fast lane.

Is he available for weddings?

I'm not sure he was
available for his own.

I enjoyed my wedding.
I met some nice people.

I was sorry when we had to leave.

Picture this.

I can just see a young bride looking
radiant and proud riding in the back
of this luxurious wedding thing.

I can just see another traffic
warden with her foot on the wheel.

Listen to Auntie Wainwright.

She's about to make you an offer.

Not a good one but...

Oh.

You know what went wrong
with your off-road by bicycle?

I know what went wrong
with MY off-road by bicycle.

It was a challenge. We did it.
I think we ought to be proud.

We ARE proud. We laughed at danger.

You were laughing at MINE!

Only the point when you
skidded into that wall.

I thought to meself, there goes
Cleggy...owt for a laugh.

What's it coming to if
you can't have a laugh
when a bloke hits a wall?

Excuse me...

When you've finished babbling, could
I ask you to think "studded tyres"?

Repeat after me. Studded tyres.

ALL:
Studded tyres.

No, no, no. Louder!

Let's have some enthusiasm.
More spirit.

ALL:
Studded tyres!

That's it! That's my team!

Follow me anywhere.

Now...look.

What do off-road vehicles have?

Bad drivers.

I thought that was BMWs.

They have off-road wheels.

Tyres with grip.

Gives you more control.

That's where you went wrong.

No.
Where we went wrong is not putting
the chocks under Alvin's bike.

Who didn't put the chock
under the wheel?

He could have said goodbye.

Do you think we're ready? For what?

For whatever fate
decides to throw at us.

Murders...riots...disasters.

If it happens round here
there's only us, you know.

Are we ready?

I'm ready.

I've got me notebook and pencil and
a spare battery for me flashlight.

I'm ready.

You think that'll do it?

Well...I think it might be helpful
if you had a spare battery as well.

Are we up for it instinct
and reaction-wise?

Are we ready mentally?

You're having a go at me, aren't you?

Because I failed sergeant's exam.

I only failed spelling. No, I'm not.

I'm checking our readiness.

I have to wonder if spelling matters.

How often are we going to have
to arrest anybody for bad spelling?

I'm just trying to establish
if you've got the right reflexes
for the unexpected when it happens.

Do you think the unexpected's
going to happen? Nothin' happens
round here.

That's true.

But when it does,
we're going to be ready.

There is something in all
of us which keeps calling
us back to the wild.

Reminding us that we were
born to sleep under the stars,
as Nature intended.

Where are you going to plug
your electric blanket?

Glenda! I'm not dependent on
these modern electric devices.

I've packed our hot water bottles.

Oh, Barry. I bet I end up
rubbing your chest with Vick.

You shouldn't say that kind
of thing to an outdoors man.

You came back with a cough
when we went blackberrying.

It was draughty in those bushes.
They're full of holes.

Available for weddings.

I know the feeling.

You too? Oh, yes.

I used to have this little dream.
So did I.

Although mine was taller.

He was a driving examiner.

The little cottage with
roses round the door.

How close have you been to marriage?

Oh...quite close.

Practically indistinguishable
on occasions.

They lie, you know.

They pretend to be interested
in literature...in the arts...

but it's not their first priority.

Yes, I noticed that.

They fail us in the end.

I noticed that, too.

Even he finally failed me.

Insufficient use of
the rear view mirror.

Oh. That's one I missed.

We single girls should be
on our guard against foreign
imports such as this. How ugly!

How foreign!

In its own country,
it's called the Wedding Plant.

They say that the perfume when
in bloom can drive the males
into proposing recklessly.

Oh, good heavens.

As far as recklessly?

I'm afraid I can't in believe
superstitious nonsense of that kind.

Although it IS a pretty colour.

Love the colour!

Now, nothing excessive
for this first test, Alvin.

Just get the feel of the beast.

Not me. I'm going flat out.

It's the Alvin Smedley way.

Alvin Smedley Way.

Sounds like road through
an industrial estate.

Just a short road.

Ignore him, Alvin.

He's jealous of how neatly you
fit into crowded public bars.

Give me some room.

I need the area clear of spectators.

There's no telling what
might happen if I lose her at speed.

BOING! BOING!

Go, Alvin, go!

To a casual observer, that looks
a lot like standing still.

Oh, come here.

He'll wear his legs out.

Can he afford to wear
any more legs out?

Oh, I don't know about studded tyre.

I think you've nailed it
to the ground.

She just needs more power.

And a bigger idiot.
You have a go, Billy.

Then we've cracked two birds
with one stone.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Way hey!!

Look at that! A wave already and
we haven't had these five minutes.

BOING! BOING! BOING!

Stand back!
Make way for grace under pressure.

Hello, Grace.

Lot of Billy under small helmet.

Now. Just a couple of short
sprints, Billy. Don't thrash her.

Oh, I intend to show her no mercy!

Oh, good for you, Billy.

The eyes of the greenwood
are upon you.

Robin Hood's first bicycle squad.

Heh, heh. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

That saddle's hard.

You should treat it with respect.

I laugh at hard saddles.

Not-laughing end has to sit.

Right. Now, clear the course, please.

Give this man some racing room.

Over to you, Billy.

She won't have it
starting from zero.

She'll have to be in motion
before I can start pedalling.

A racing start.

I like it. Good for you.

Good thinking, Hardcastle. Right.
Stand back then! Here we go!

Watch this!

CRUNCH!

Now you know where to wear helmet.

He laughs at hard saddles.

Enjoy yourselves, ladies.

I want you to take your time.

There's no hurry. Because after
this, Barry's taking me camping.

Camping? Do you mean in a tent?

Not only in a tent
but in extreme discomfort.

In the best traditions of
those things a husband organises.

Oh, how lucky can you get?

Surprisingly sometimes, if you try.

Why is your Barry going
through this funny period?

Which I hope doesn't last
as long as the one mine's
going through.

About every six months,
he gets this nagging worry

that he's fallen below the standards
of his cavemen ancestors.

Well, judging by his fear
of Mrs Halliwell's hamster,

I should think
that's a reasonable assumption.

To be fair,
it does have a nasty temperament.

And it doesn't like men.

Seemed to like his finger.

Gets nasty with men?

Do you think Mrs Halliwell
would loan out her hamster?

You won't catch me
in a tent these days.

Who's gonna to be chasing you
in a tent these days?

I was never chased
in a tent at any time.

I'm sure that's a relief to us all.

We once did the camping thing.

You should see Howard
in a sleeping bag.

Little face peeking out.

You'd think Mummy was a kangaroo.

Actually, I think going potty
occasionally is one of the
nicer male qualities, don't you?

It might be acceptable on a
part-time basis but we had
to live full-time with ours.

Oh! Oh, I couldn't live
with them full-time, no.

They sink into such slovenly habits.

The only thing that they'll smarten
themselves up for is misbehaving.

Howard can do it in a cloth cap
and bicycle clips.

I like my Barry in a suit and now
he's started yearning for shorts.

I never saw mine in shorts.

They'd have come down
to his ankles anyway.

I admit he was small.
He took some finding when he
had his motorbike gear on.

You just had to have faith
that he was in there somewhere.

They didn't wear weird stuff
in our day.

They had a natural flair for decently
scruffy and they stuck with it.

Well, at least then the streets
were safe from beer bellies
and bare knees.

I don't know how any girl
gets into trouble these days.

The way in looks so uninviting.

Well, going off in a tent wouldn't
do for me. Well, we know that.

You'd never know which hat to wear.

You went camping when
you were first married.

Well, you had to in those days.

Spending more than you can
afford hadn't been invented.

And anyway,
it was a very heavy canvas tent
that nobody could see through...

especially Wally. And I always
changed my clothes behind a blanket.

You could have hidden your
Wally behind a tea towel.

We can't help it if
nobody's getting married.

Rubbish! They get married
two or three times these days.

It's not as easy as you think.

You did it once.

Yeah, I've forgotten how.

I can't have been paying
all that much attention.

It's a wonder you noticed
when she left you.

She left me a note.

She knew you wouldn't notice
otherwise. What did she say?

She said "Don't forget
to pay the milkman."

Well, couldn't you see that
means she still cared for you?

She was still looking after you.

Keeping you organised. Yeah.

It was the milkman
she was looking after.

He was the one she ran off with.

Did you change your milk?

No. I get this bottle left
on the doorstep in the morning

and in a way
it's like it's from her.

That's the saddest story
I've ever heard.

It makes me feel rotten for refusing
your last request for a raise.

Does that mean we get one?

No. It just makes me feel rotten.

You know what that vehicle needs?

Probably more petrol.

I told you. What that vehicle
needs is a bride in the back.

That's the best way to advertise.

There. With the load spread,
we'll soon see if the tyre works.

I have every faith in you, Billy.

Only don't expect me
to put it in writing.

Excuse me...

Who's the test pilot round here?

Who's a born daredevil stuntsman?
Why is he riding it?

We think because he's an idiot.
But I'M an idiot.

Can't argue with that.

All right, then.
Just spin a coin for who's riding it.

I hope you don't think
I'm gonna live with that.

But it was a gift.

Oh, yes?

Who from, I wonder?

I mean...at the price,
it was a gift. I thought,

"I bet Pearl would like that."

I bet Pearl WOULD like it.

She'd like it out of here.
And quick.

Like NOW, Howard.

Has he decided the best way down?

You think there is a best?

He does it instinctively, this lad.

He plays it by ear. Just as well.

He'll probably end up on his ear.

In which case my advice is
use ear as brakepad, Alvin.

Alvins don't brake.

They just go for it.

I must admit you were right, Alvin.

You are an idiot.

Well, my advice is...avoid walls.

Tha' can manage a small wall, Alvin.

Just avoid big ones.

I hate wearing helmets.

I was meant for hair
blowing in the wind.

Can human body cope with such speeds
and such a funny hat?

It's a bit tight.

I think what's happened is I've
got this larger than average brain.

Pity you didn't bring it with you.

I'm so glad you've
really taken to that plant.

She won't let me
have it in the house.

I thought we'd plant it together.

Somewhere in a special place.

How much further to this
special place, Howard?

Oh, we're nearly there.

That's the trouble with
these really quiet places.

They're all a bit far.

Oh, Howard, I hope you're
not planning on going too far.

Don't feel obliged to answer straight
away. Take your time, Howard.

Ah! We're here.

Right. Here we are camping.

What's the next treat, Barry?

We could light a fire. Hadn't we
better save something for later?

We could sing campfire songs.

# Ging gang gooly, gooly,
gooly, gooly watcha.... #

Oh, I tell you what,
we could toast some crumpets.

Brought the crumpets,
have you, Barry?

If I'd brought some crumpets.

There's just no end
to all the excitements.

If that won't do, Alvin,
your head needs altering.

I've frequently said as much.

It's still tight but I'll ignore
the pain once I start moving.

I like his spirit.

Hate the helmet,
but look at him all fired up.

That's my team.

Chocks away.

Alvin, catch it! Watch it, Clegg!

Aaah!

Aaaggh!

I don't know I like
the idea of a bloke
with one leg going faster than me.

I think we better plant it in
some other quiet place, Howard.

I'll find one.

I have a nose for quiet places.

The way our luck's running, I bet
it turns out to be a building site.

Oh.

Oh, that bride!
Built for work rather than pleasure.

Not the sports model,
that's for sure.

Huh, maybe she has a nice nature.

What a place to keep it.

Mrs Entwistle looking better already.