Original subtitles

Seven. Seven.

Six.

Nine.

Uh, this is Manfred Krieger. Could you help me out? I'm looking for a secretary

right away.

A stenographer.

One who can type as fast as I dictate.

How fast?

I take my time. Not just a man's voice.

Oh, no man.

No. See, I write screenplays. I need a woman's help. Yes, sir. I'll send

someone right in.

That'd be great.

Your address, please?

10 Fuller Street.

And your name, sir?

Gregor, a million thanks. You're welcome.

I wonder what kind of girl fate has in store for me this time.

Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon. I came in answer to your call. I'm Ruth

Brown. Well, hello.

I didn't expect anything like you.

Same here.

This is your kingdom?

Mm-hmm. Fit for a queen.

I was told you were a playwright. I've already typed all kinds of scenarios.

My kind you haven't. Here's the paper.

I'll show you the wizard I am. Aha. You mean a witch you've been typing.

Is this for TV?

No. No.

It could never be shown to children.

But it's a movie. Uh-huh, I thought so. A skin flick, right? Right.

Ah, hell, the cheaper the trick, the greater the success.

Okay, give the word.

Now, where do I start?

The other writers I've typed for have always had lots of imagination.

Some of them have even made people like Andy Warhol blush. Believe you me.

Steve.

Miss please type Exterior day the Antonin are over theme

an American girl taking schema

Now

Ben journey remember that the fees not measures You're skiing on slippery snow,

not on a sandy beach. God damn it.

Try it again. I'll never lose it. You will.

Relax. Keep your knees flexible. Don't stand there like a wooden engine.

Glide down. You're standing there like you had a plaster cast on those legs.

Intuition. Now put your knees together and bend them. The position. That's all

there is to it, Miss Martin.

Try it again.

I know a lot of positions, but oh, damn it. You've got to relax.

You look like a cock on a dunghill.

Keep your body below the waist flexible.

Your knees must be soft.

Don't tighten up your behind.

Otherwise, you'll wind up with a stick between your legs.

And should that happen on the slope, it may not be as pleasant as you think,

Mark.

I'm going to be so black and blue, I won't be able to show myself to anybody

in my new bathing suit.

Think about showing yourself riding on feet sometime.

I've got a better idea, Doc. Let me show you the sport I'm a master in. A sport

no one beats me in. You don't say.

I may become champion of the world.

Oh, you make me very curious.

You didn't give me any hints that you were so talented.

Study boy, you're going to be surprised about my hidden talents.

Show me just that much hidden talent in you.

And I'll be satisfied.

Yeah.

Let's put her to the test.

Now, if you could ski like a kiss. Well, you know, we've had the element estate,

but it doesn't prove a thing. I still have to look deeper into the matter.

Come up to my room. That I'll have to think over.

And besides, you know, I'm...

booked up by other American girls for the next few days. But the others don't

have as many bruises as I do.

I'll have to check that.

I want to show you mine. Come and see them, please.

Up with you, love.

Get your pretty posterior off that cold snow.

Which goes to prove I feel more at home lying down.

No, up, sit down. That's life for you.

Now, isn't that a wonderful view?

She looks even better in front of a mirror than she does on a mountain

slope. I wonder why.

Well, didn't you slip over here the doors were made to be knocked on before

entering a room?

Or couldn't you wait to see my bruises?

I ran all the way here with this tube. A tube of ointment?

I hope you'll spread it on.

Oh, I'll do anything that may help.

Please lay down. I'll be the patient. You play doctor.

Why shouldn't I?

After all, a doctor would charge you for the cells.

And how am I supposed to repay you for everything you're doing for poor little

me? I see you need a massage, too.

Oh, that comes from all the movement and all the sunshine we get. I'm so sore.

Carry me to bed.

Okay, hang on. Keep your knees relaxed and don't tighten up your behind.

Now keep your body nice and relaxed, like I've told you.

All right, turn over.

Boy, isn't that something.

Wow.

This should do the trick. It always does.

Does it hurt?

Now let's put some on here.

Drop it in nice.

Keep your behind relaxed.

You know how to use your hand.

With a behind as beautiful as yours, my hand works without me.

It's inspired.

It even likes to go its own way. I see it finds your back beautiful, too. Well,

it's had enough of the backside.

Come on, turn around.

Yes, doctor.

That's it.

Oh, that's a big one. I'm really going to have to work that one over.

I'd better take off my sweater.

Come to think of it, I'd better take off my undershirt, too. Otherwise, I'll get

it all sweaty.

Now, let's get down to business.

There. How's that?

Starting to feel better?

Mm-mm.

Oh, not yet?

Well,

I know what you need.

You seem to be one of those cases where I'm forced to take drastic measures.

But don't worry.

I'll leave you satisfied.

Yeah? Years of experience.

All right if I join you? Mm-hmm. You know you're not like most American

girls. They usually talk your head off.

Yeah.

Tell me, you do take the pill, don't you?

The pill?

Don't need pills the way I do it.

Why the hell didn't you say so?

You could have warned me at least.

I'm not going to stick my neck out for a girl who doesn't take precautions.

I'm getting out of here before I have to stop paying Ali money.

You know what you are? A Swiss hillbilly. I'd better not tell you what

I think you are.

Well, how do I get my poor little disappointed rose back on her feet? On

her feet?

All right. I mean, how do I get her off her feet? I mean, oh, you know what I

mean. Did you say her name was Rose?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then why not call this episode to

a wild rose?

Ah, shut up.

In any case, I owe Rose a happy end. Why not? You've got several happy ends. I

thought I told you to shut up. Yes, sir.

Now, let's see.

If that stupid ski instructor hadn't been such a square, Rose would have

stayed at that resort enjoying her skis and her bed. But under the

circumstances, she decides to change her hunting ground. What does that mean?

She flies the coop. Oh.

She takes her bags, her skis, her sore back, and hops on to the next train

leaving town.

Oh, may I make a suggestion, sir? Well, if it's a good one, why not?

Well, when she gets on the train, let her go to sleep or let her sit.

One of those European couchettes. Just think of the possibilities.

Kid, have you got a thing about group sex? Me?

Forget it.

All right, she boards a couchette.

And they're off.

I can't wait to hear what happens.

She walks down the corridor, looking for a compartment.

She's all alone.

Go on, the suspense is killing me. She finds her door, opens it, and... Yes?

...enters, closing the door behind her. Oh.

She pulls the curtains.

and turns around to inspect the compartment.

How many men are there in there staring at her with hungry eyes?

Rose tries to appear cool and casual. But how do we expect her to act cool and

casual with all those naked, sex-hungry men eyeing her like that?

There's one guy in pajamas fast asleep.

Oh.

Glad to meet you.

I haven't had a traveling companion as lovely as you in all my life.

I'm awfully tired. I think I'll get to bed immediately.

I can honestly put everything off. Very healthy.

Sleeping in the raw has been one of my vices since childhood.

Why call it a vice? It does no harm to anyone.

And it gives others so much pleasure.

Besides, a girl with your proportions can do anything she likes.

Say the word if you'd like me to help you in any way.

I mean, if you have any trouble unhooking your bra or anything.

Just whistle. You don't beat around the bush.

Oh, I'm not aggressive. I'm basically a shy type.

Hmm.

Really, I'm a dandelion kitten.

But with a proper encouragement, I can be as ferocious as a dragon. Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And that's a lot of encouragement.

What happened to you? Have a fight?

Oh, my skiing lessons were murder. I kept falling all the time. I'm all

bruises. The ski instructor thought I was a hopeless case as far as skiing

goes, but he was terrific otherwise.

He even massaged my bruises with a wonderful salve, though he wasn't

obliged to.

But I'm still black and blue all over. You look very interesting. Oh, you think

so? Mm-hmm.

Anyone would think you are a female wrestler who can make a fellow cry for

mercy.

I can make him cry for mercy.

I don't see why I shouldn't find out for myself if you're bluffing or not.

Ha, ha, ha.

But only if you wish to challenge me.

You're really very brave even to consider it.

Tell me, don't you think it's time you stopped playing Juliet to my Romeo? Why

don't you come down from your balcony so we can chat?

Yes, why not?

What are you sitting over there for? I thought you wanted to wrestle.

Get your ass over here.

Nice to meet a girl who's so open-minded. Where are you from? Oh, I'm

from Montana, but I've been living in Europe for the past six months. My

name's Rose.

What's yours? Rose from Montana.

My name is Roland.

Roland!

Let's drink to our meeting.

I come prepared for everything in Switzerland.

Another surprise. Drink up, Roland. More surprises are coming. You have no idea

how many.

Now come over here. Don't you think we ought to go into a clinch now?

Why

don't you

make yourself comfortable?

That's better.

You know what?

That drink was strong. I think I'm going to have to take my things off.

The heat is killing me.

There, that's better.

Well, here I come.

Get out of here.

Come on.

Well, that story certainly isn't going to win you the Nobel Prize for sex.

Listen here, that story isn't finished yet. Oh.

I've just given my rose a touch of happiness, that's all. Well, why didn't

you say so? You didn't give me a chance to.

Here.

I'm giving my rose a rest.

Well, her next traveling companion arrives.

But I... Let me finish my story.

Well, well, well. Let me explain.

How many stops is the train going to make before she reaches her destination?

As many as my imagination can invent without getting too obscene.

Well... But don't let your imagination run away with you.

I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

Uh-uh.

I thought I might have been put in the wrong compartment.

This is where you belong.

Or don't you like girls near you? No, on the contrary. I understand.

You just want to get some sleep, and it's too damn hot in here. That's how I

feel, too.

To tell the truth, this is my first ski vacation.

I'm black and blue all over. You poor thing. I know just how you feel.

Right. I feel as if I had broken a couple of ribs.

Well, here. This may help.

And maybe some of the ointment I put on my bruising. I'd love a drink, to your

health. I think I'm going to like this drink.

You Europeans always make the sweetest compliments.

You know, I think you and I are going to get it off just fine.

You're right, it is hot.

Why don't you make yourself comfortable? I don't embarrass easy.

Yes, we might as well make this ride as enjoyable as possible.

Why waste time talking?

Those damn girls at the ski resort were so stuck up.

It sure is great to meet someone who knows what she wants and doesn't put on

a lot of airs.

Baby, give it to Papa.

Now that's what I call a man.

She's at it again.

What a man.

How do you like it?

You mind if I make a call? Help yourself.

Calling the agency?

Mm-mm.

Just a girlfriend of mine.

Does that mean the call's going to last for hours?

You can always deduct it from my work time. Keep standing there like that, and

I'll do something else.

Now, what is that supposed to mean?

Concentrate on your next story.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

It takes place in the Middle Ages.

There was this maiden.

In those days, the ladies of the castle, dressed in lovely gowns, would wave

daintily to the knights departing for the tournament.

Go to the middle or you'll never hit those goddamn pins.

Whether the weapons of the opponent hit their mark or not, the knight, thinking

of the lovely maidens at home, picked up their weapons for the next round.

Round after round they fought, and their thoughts often turned to the key in

their pockets, the key to their mistress's chastity belt.

My shit, I'll never learn it. You really deserve some minus points, sugar.

I give up.

I'm going to get complex if I don't knock a pin down every now and then.

I'll show you how it's done.

I am the greatest.

What alternative did the ladies have other than drink succulent meat while

the beloved knights at faraway places played with their balls?

But one of these ladies in distress, the clever Guinevere, be thought to out-fool

her last lot.

Lack of human warmth made her ingenious. The chastity belt gave her no peace.

So she decided to get rid of it somehow.

What the hell is that in the curtain?

If she goes into the men's locker room, she's up to something.

Guinevere removed herself to one of the private chambers of the castle. She

would free herself of the chastity belt by all means.

She started by removing her outer apparel. One after the other, they fell.

She was determined.

In the meantime, however, the men concentrated on their balls.

Guinevere struggled and struggled to get out of her thing.

Her lovely white skin shone in the light. At last, she stood there with

only her chastity belt on.

Putting her strong hand on the belt, she forced it over her slim hips.

But the perpetrators of this world have always existed.

They were there to take advantage of sweet, innocent Guinevere.

Times haven't changed that much.

Isn't that our P.D. sneaking away?

He's playing the part of Don Chihote, going to inform his beloved old man.

Well, at last.

I thought you'd be in distress.

I am.

I would have come right off, but you know those guys.

Some of them act as if they had a lease on you.

They're too busy counting bowling pins to notice I'm gone.

Let's make it a quickie, huh?

Lady Guinevere, having been denied amorous advances for so long a time,

shyly admired her paramour.

But calm as a human nature, she finally threw all precautions to the wind.

Which, as you know, most women still do today.

So, in a way, she was centuries ahead of her time. She thought, grab the bull by

the horns, and she did.

Balls and tournaments, that's all my Lancelot has in mind. I'm going to have

a ball, too. And she did.

Paisley, you know how to make a man happy. I know you got this.

Oh, sure.

You made me wild.

You're driving me crazy.

Winnebeth felt her knight knew his business.

Like so many things in the world, it ended with a big bang.

Have a good time?

Sure. But you know Sugar.

Can't get enough.

I guess so.

I'll go and see what she's up to. As if you didn't know.

Say hello.

The next night, Patton to the lands galloped toward Lady Guinevere's castle,

certain to find an accommodation, as was customary in those days of old.

The lady was only too glad to have the chivalrous night, one way or the other,

and she was also getting used to them feeling free to go in and out however

they wished. She did everything to please them, but sooner or later they

were forced to take leave.

Did you have a good time? Man, no, man, that bitch can really give you a

workout.

The sky's the limit for that bitch.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's my turn now.

What do you say you keep score?

Mm-hmm. Don't cheat.

One handsome knight followed the effort.

You see, word got around.

And so they went in and out.

It was again as old as Adam and Eve and Lucifer who tempted them to sink their

teeth into the forbidden fruit.

The apple.

Adam.

Sweet Eve.

Isn't this better than bowling?

If Eve had offered Adam bowling balls instead of an apple, just think how

different things would be today. I don't think even he could have bitten into

them. But alas, it was apples.

And thanks to the apple, Lady Guinevere had to live and love with and without.

Chastity belts and taboos. You look big.

That game could wear out a regiment.

But her fame of beautiful horses thrived throughout the land. They came from far

and wide to see if she was all they said she was. She disappointed no one.

Boy, they're as big as bowling balls.

In our age, she would have been elected Miss Bowling Ball.

George Lady Guinevere soon gained enough experience to compete with the best of

them. Her reputation grew, and her beauty and skill were made unforgettable

in many songs and poems.

An emancipated woman at last. I thought you'd like a story about an old

-fashioned girl as promiscuous as that.

To tell the truth, you act as if you knew a lot about us girls. However, you

don't know a thing about us.

Tell me, don't you think there's a chance you and me could compare notes?

I've had lots of experience with women.

I'm here to type.

All right. Now let's take a handsome young man like me. And experienced and

shy like me.

Are you kidding?

Let's call him Herbert.

Herbert. And he has a hobby.

Uh-oh.

Motion pictures.

Motion pictures?

Yeah, old ones. Why not?

Well, I don't care.

Herbert possesses the disposition of a laptop.

Night after night, he sits next to the projector, watching the motion picture

industry in the mix.

Everything will be hunky-dory, except for his lovely neighbor, Ann.

The plan's your door, and rightly so.

I would, too.

Well, anyway, Anne has her reasons.

Herbert's attention is being distracted away from his movies.

A smart girl. Not a bad idea to shake up a guy who has nothing but old films on

his mind. After all, why shouldn't a girl go after what she wants?

If she only knew how she's not getting what she wants.

The nerve of him. Why, uh... No, no, it's not that at all. It's just that

he's had his eye on her for a long time, but he's just too shy to look her

straight in the eye. Well, now he knows everything about her. For instance, it

must be Friday.

Why? Well, she's wearing her black undies.

Ugh, I fell for it.

Suppose I tell you what

your aunt is thinking now.

All right, go ahead.

Well, she's thinking...

What am I going to do about that boy next door? I look at him as if I were

going to rape him, but he doesn't seem to notice.

I'm going to have to do something awfully desperate.

Hey, that's not bad.

Why don't you write a book sometime?

Thanks. Maybe I will.

Well, she washes, just in case.

In case of what? Very funny. Go on.

Well, Anne decides to take matters into her own hands. While she washes, she has

a brainstorm.

Junior is still watching her.

Anne has had enough of waiting around for Herbert to take the initiative.

There's nothing left to do but to spell it out for him.

She put some Chanel No. 5 in that water, and if that doesn't get him, nothing

will. Well, the moment of truth has come.

She who hesitates is lost.

Oh, she went to bed.

That's it for today.

How do you like that yeah?

What's wrong now?

Hmm what?

How I got in here? Through the door.

But why are you staring at me like an ape? Never see a naked girl before?

Well, no, I mean, yes, but I mean, I've never seen one like this. I mean, it's

you and I... Take off your things.

Yeah, of course, but I mean, I've never... You see, I mean... Stop talking

terribly. Sticks and stones.

What? Oh, you mean I should... You want me to... That is, I shouldn't? Is that

what you mean?

I see. Well, this certainly is a big surprise.

After all, I never dreamed that you... Oh, excuse me. I guess I am talking too

much.

Well, I'm sure you understand that I always wanted... You know what I mean?

For God's sake, stop talking. Show me.

Oh, good.

Thanks.

It's Chanel No.

5.

You're trembling.

I've got goose pimples, too.

Oh, by the way, this book might help you learn something about women.

Oh, yes. I've read that book already.

It's very interesting.

Is that where you get your experience?

Hey, wait a minute.

Was it worth your while?

No book can teach me anything new if it's a matter of the birds and the bees.

Does that mean you've done it all?

Maybe not all, but I can't complain.

Aha.

Well, lesson number seven.

To properly awaken your body and bring it to its peak condition, the human

being must train it like an athlete would for the act of love. Your area of

practice should be the solitude of your bedroom.

A bedroom.

Suppose we take a sportswoman for our story.

Excuse me for laughing, but it's so funny to see a man imagining what girls

do. A bed. In it we see a cute trick, a high school co-ed.

Babette. And she's learning theories.

Which she will turn into... Practice later.

Exactly. But she can't at the moment because she requires a partner. So let's

write in a class excursion or a school alley or something like that for her,

okay? Okay.

Now she's in bed.

That'll do for the beginning.

Perfectly right.

You do have to leave the film director some freedom to work with.

Say, why don't you read the next paragraph so she can start getting ready

for the next lesson? She just read the last one. Since she's smart, she's still

digesting it. My, you're impatient.

A girl who

needs that long to digest anything should forget about learning.

Not every girl is as far in as you are.

No, it's just that Babette is going to turn out to be a sexy little thing. I

suppose everybody has to start sometime.

I bet you started a long time ago.

The poor girl isn't sure about what she has to do.

But she's starting to get the feel of it.

Tell me, how long is it going to take her to get to the more refined points,

like whips, leather, and so on? What?

I'll skip it.

Do you know what you are? A sex fiend. Don't be silly. I just like sex.

Like Babette.

But anybody with as little sex appeal as you wouldn't turn me on.

See if I have that advantage over you. She doesn't need anybody to turn her on.

Tell me.

Who turns you on? Besides you, Bridget Bardot.

I guess I'm obliged to ask you now who sends those icy teagles up and down your

spine.

Elvis Presley.

She made it. The main thing is she doesn't go to the dogs. But because the

girl is such a good pupil... You're furnishing her with an appropriate

partner. Right.

I doubt whether your buffet would be satisfied with dolls anymore.

Yes, she's at a stage where she'd appreciate cowboys and Indians more.

For a real vampire.

Well, I'm willing to let her go to an old castle, but let's leave the

bloodsuckers for some other time.

Oh, what a pity. I just adore vampires.

You know, you must consult your psychiatrist more often.

That, too, is another story.

Let's go back to Babette.

She's traveling through Europe with a group of students.

One day, their teacher decides to make an excursion to an old castle. It has

the plain old name of Boobycon Castle.

Oh, isn't it lovely? It's a Maltese castle, isn't it? You know, you're not

as stupid as you look. Yes.

Okay, kids, pipe down.

I'd appreciate your attention for just a couple of minutes.

This old castle of the Knights of the Maltese Cross was... Hey, now, wait a

minute. What's the matter now?

I thought you were writing a screenplay for a skin flick. All this stuff belongs

in a travelogue.

Holy Moses, have you got a one-track mind.

Well, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Then try helping me by giving me a chance to develop a story around my bed.

I can't have her in bed all the time, can I?

Yeah, but you've got to find a partner for her. You can't let her go solo

forever.

What about the bus driver? Or the teacher?

Nah, that's the way it's usually done in this place.

Why not go back to the old-fashioned boy and girl routine?

That's a new one.

Old as Methuselah. At this wing, there's the emblem of the Order of the Maltese

Cross. Old as Methuselah. It's on every bottle of alcohol.

Yes.

Well, this is the oldest section of the castle. Ever try this stuff?

I prefer whiskey. Now, please try to behave, and don't let me catch any of

you smoking a cigarette in that place. Got me?

Well. You're on your own for the next hour.

The bus leaves here at three o'clock five.

So don't go too far. No better watch it.

Well, what now?

You don't have to go into the castle.

Let's play tank.

Aren't you ever going to grow up?

I just hope Chuck didn't see me coming here.

He suspects something.

You aren't fooling around with him, too, are you? Don't be silly. You're my guy.

Babette? Where did she run off to?

Any idea where Babette is? Nope. Anything I can do for you? Beat it.

You're my guy.

Yeah.

Love me?

What a racket they make. I don't even hear them.

Darling.

You've got so much on, you make me feel naked.

I don't

know why I can't get enough of you.

Every time I see you, I get the funniest feeling.

I can't wait to be alone with you.

Do you like being with me?

Sure.

Tell me how much.

Tell me.

A lot.

Seems Babette's young man is chapters ahead of us. Where did he learn this?

He must have been reading some of the books his father had hidden away.

If some of them seem a little more quiet than they were when they came, it's

probably because they were horsing around so much.

Children usually have lots of energy.

Take Babette's little friend, for example.

Don't tell Babette.

Okay. Will I see you tonight?

You bet your life you will. I'll pick you up about ten. Okay.

You swear it? No, this is it. Swear it. When I say I'll come, believe me, I

come. Prompt.

That's life.

Hmm. I wouldn't mind a school full of pretty girls requiring some sex

education.

I'm positive you'd have more than enough food for inspiration today, right?

I am also positive.

Oh, well.

Suppose we start a new one.

Don't you think you'd like to have a crime story now?

Where someone is murdered?

The nymphomaniac Duchess. Isn't it a crime story?

Yes. She gets murdered.

During a show.

A Duchess.

Young.

Gets killed.

The beautiful young Duchess is accustomed to picking up men to have sex

with during a picture show.

and our killer is accustomed to picking up his victims during a picture show.

The duchess, of course, in order to disguise herself, has put on a blonde

wig. She has seated herself next to the man she took a liking to from the very

first. While pretending to be fascinated by the happenings on the screen, a

famous sex bomber slowly disrobing herself, she endeavors to get in contact

with her neighbor. No luck yet.

He's sitting there because he's hiding from the police who are searching the

streets for him. He's very cold-blooded.

Up on the screen, however, Tamara Barone is demonstrating how easy it is to get

bumped off.

Never. I would never betray you. I'll do anything you wish, but please don't

leave me.

Cut out the sweet talk. I'm sick and tired of you, you hypocrite.

You squeal. And when someone squeals on me, he has me. I wouldn't.

No, never.

I love you, Dick.

Please.

Please believe me.

If you put the cops on my tail... I swear to you I'd never do that. You can

have everything I have. My money, my jewels.

Take everything.

But don't leave me.

Come here, you little bitch.

I fall for you and your blah-blah every time.

But I warn you, if those stinking pigs get anywhere near me, start praying. No!

No!

Why don't you believe me?

What do I have to do to make you believe me?

Please, take me in your arms.

I'll make you happier than I've ever made anyone before.

You and I together, happier than ever before.

Please.

My darling, I'm all yours.

Well, it looks like she's in for it. Yep, she's going to get it.

But he's such a harmless looking boy. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

I'd know a murderer if I saw one.

You think so? Yep.

All right, so our Duchess is too horny to notice.

I feel so sorry for her.

No idea she's in the hands of a notorious killer. Right.

All she's thinking about is getting her hands on him, his hands on her.

And of course, since you're endeavoring to keep the quality of your story at the

same high level, you're going to omit all the dirty dialogue ordinarily

required at this point, right?

Exactly. The powder room's good any time.

Hmm.

Don't make no difference long as you can cut the mustard, hmm?

Oh, my goodness. How are you going to put the rest of this story on paper

without getting me?

After all, didn't you say she was a duchess in a toilet?

Well, she called it a powder room. That proves she's a duchess.

Besides, by the end of this episode, she'll end up with at least a knife

stuck in her.

Since the duchess feels nobody would ever recognize her, she lets all of her

inhibitions go to blazes.

And our murderer, well, after all, he is a man.

Put aside his lust for blood for his lust as a lover.

Put her lust and his lust together and what have you got?

A storm. No, passionate love.

I'd like to remind you that the murderer will have to get a knife from someplace,

should you let him undress completely.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Let me concentrate on how to get

these two together. It's so little space.

That problem is difficult enough to solve. Any suggestions?

Um, no.

All right, let me think.

Won't work like that.

But where there's a will, there's a way.

How's that for a beginning?

Now comes step two.

And with a little help from the Duchess, things are progressing quite well.

Nowadays, this is called the end.

Step on it! Her life's in danger!

At this point, she asks him whether he likes it better here than he will on the

electric chair.

Whereupon he stabs her to death.

Mm-mm.

The police arrive just in time.

Oh, you're such a ham, you.

Why not be different?

Write something new for a change.

Mm, exactly what I had in mind.

Bet you this one hits home.

Hey, did you read this magazine yet? The mystery continues. Listen.

The lovely 19-year-old black girl, Samantha Akaba, known as the black

pussycat in nightclub circles and in the underworld, has been missing for more

than a week.

Attempts to trace her whereabouts have been futile thus far, but they are

continuing. After terminating her striptease act at the world-famous

Aladdin bar, she said goodbye to all.

Samantha, however, never reached her home that night, and her disappearance

is still a great mystery.

I don't understand why the disappearance of a prostitute should concern you so.

What does a pampered housewife like me understand at all?

Sometimes a husband needs a piece of meat without having a bed for him. You

need a man like my father.

Johnny. My Johnny.

He knows what the story is. He could teach both of you more than you will

ever learn from anybody.

All I know I learned from him. And a good school costs a lot of money.

Hello, Samantha.

Remember me? I was the one you picked up. When was it? Was it last year or was

it centuries ago?

We hit it off swell, my black pussycat.

It was nice having a real woman in my arms for a change.

I never forgot that evening.

Remember me?

You laughed at me. Because I was such a square, you said.

Well, Samantha, that was there.

I've loved a lot. I've learned a lot.

Want some lessons?

Okay, huh?

White boys have only one tooth.

Who needs money? I want love.

Love.

Come and get it.

I need my memories of you.

I need you too.

I never forgot you. You were so big and strong.

Lie down.

Remember how I taught you to be gentle?

How to make love with your heart?

Remember?

Samantha.

The owner of the Aladdin bar where Samantha worked believed she must have

put away quite a bit of money during the three years she appeared there.

Samantha was once married to the well-known band leader, John Ackaba.

The police believe that she may still be alive, although everything points to the

conclusion that she was murdered.

Evelyn, are you listening to me?

Hey, Evelyn.

Evelyn.

My chocolate-covered Johnny.

How sweet you were.

And how brutal.

You liked me, didn't you?

You were the panther I had always wanted.

You and a hundred girls like you.

No, don't come back.

Mind if I

take this off?

If you do, you must keep it on.

That hurts so good.

Some narcotics were also found on the premises. Several ounces of heroin plus

the paraphernalia required to inject it. Places of absinthe and cocaine were

found in a breakfast cup.

Otherwise, nothing indicating the use of force or violence.

Furthermore, they discovered bundles of money stashed away, which the police

confiscated. You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Ah, that gossip.

Nope.

You're right.

What the...

The dreams of the frustrated bourgeoisie, how they can vary.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind getting to know such a chocolate-covered Johnny

better. Well, I think I'd pity any guy you try to get to know better.

Let's not get personal. Why don't you think of a story full of vitality

featuring a lion tamer who snaps his whip at women to make them jump through

a ring?

Oh, my stories are still too tame. Start typing.

The lion tamer. No, ma'am. The driver.

Give me a second to insert a piece of paper.

Now comes some real T&D, huh?

Oh, what are you going to do with the driver?

I'm not going to do anything with him. I'm going to conceive someone for him.

Let's say, like a hitchhiker of the opposite sex.

Goddamn driving by night.

This one needs air.

Hey, how do you get some service around here? We're short of help. Want a job?

Doesn't pay much, but you meet the craziest drivers.

Aha. Come on, fill her up. Yes, sir.

I'm not in the mood for jokes.

Hi there.

Can you give me a ride?

Yeah, where are you going?

Wherever you'll take me.

Okay, hop in. Great, thanks.

I love to ride these big old trucks. And I love to dance with them, especially at

night.

This is a big one. I like them big.

Believe me, I've seen quite a few.

Glad to have you on board.

You know, I liked you the minute I saw you.

I think we're going to have a lot of fun.

You know, you've got a good build.

Well, you'd have big muscles, too, with our work, especially when we transport

big stuff.

Yeah? Mm-hmm. Good.

Say, you want to bet you could lift a flyweight like me with the pinkie of

your left hand?

What flyweight about you?

Round, firm, and fully packed.

Just the kind of curves a driver likes, especially at night.

No joke.

Stop that.

Did you mean it? What?

You like curves?

Yeah.

The other drivers, I mean, the ones who were nice enough to give me a lift,

they never complained about curves either.

No reason to.

No bra or anything, understand?

Hey. Hi, Vicky. Yeah?

You

know,

you're nice.

Am I awake or am I dreaming?

It's no dream. She's real. Yeah?

She's going to ride with us all the way to Hamburg.

Hello. Glad to meet you. My name's Frank.

Pleasure's all mine. I'm Amy.

It's time.

I've been in the bunk more than four and a half hours.

Frank looks like his cut-eye did him some good.

Fresh as a daisy.

Raring to go.

Oh.

What about Steve here?

I'd be like you, once I'm back there.

And if you'll kiss me goodnight, I'll sleep like an angel.

Oh.

Yeah?

Mind if I go ahead?

Well, what do you say?

I'm good.

But she doesn't have a knife going on. Oh.

If there's no objection, I'll take this thing off.

Yeah.

Steve?

Frank?

Frank?

Goddamn.

I'll be seeing you. Good night.

Good night.

Make yourself at home, hon.

And don't forget to brush your teeth, dear.

Or you'll get cavities and you'll have to be drilled. And there's no dentist

here. And we'd have to do the drilling ourselves.

And the drills we have may be much too big for the hole you have. So be a good

little girl or you're going to get spanked for it properly.

And then we'll sell you to a group of vagrant gypsies. They'll really spank

you and bang you.

Oh, what a thing.

Maybe they won't even take it because she's not bad enough for them.

Why don't we start stopping?

And spank her and bang her ourselves.

That girl's big.

I'll never have enough food next to her back there.

Yeah, we're going to have to talk to the company about more space to sleep in.

Hey, I got an idea.

Try sleeping on top of her. Why didn't I think of that?

Hey.

Yeah? What do you want, love?

I feel lonely back here. What's keeping you?

Steve's coming.

That's what I expected ten miles back.

If he's too busy, why don't you join me? I dig it.

It's my turn to drive.

Why don't you then?

You see what I see?

Nice.

Very nice.

Thank you for your kind attention.

The next performance will take place in my private quarters.

I just hope the police don't raid the place.

What do you mean, Steve? I'm Frank.

Give it to me, baby.

Give it to me.

How much longer do you think you'll need me? Another while.

You sure nobody's waiting for you?

Well, I'm supposed to babysit. But if you'd like me to stay, I'll have to send

a replacement, you see.

Ah, you babysit evenings.

Tell me, how old is the little boy?

Sixteen. Oh, stay in tight for me.

Ah, drawing room.

Berlin. Linda from England.

She left home to see the world.

Here she is, slaving away at her job as a maid.

Maybe if I play some music, I won't feel so horribly bored.

There.

That's nice.

Exciting, Berlin.

There he is.

The opera.

Why go to the opera to enjoy yourself? You can have more fun doing your trip at

home.

And after two days, Mr.

and Mrs. and little Christopher will get to know you better. And then I'll show

them what having a real good time means.

Mr.

and Mrs.

and Christopher.

Funny family.

They think I quit the job because I want to work. I've got another guest coming.

I think I could have found a job if it wasn't for her.

Why do they see me like this? And to teach Christopher the facts of life.

I can't wait.

I spoil him.

I spoil the lady.

And the boy, too.

The thought makes me feel better.

Are they back from the opera already?

I'd better get dressed fast.

Hurry up, Linda, or you'll be caught in the act.

You'd better get dressed fast.

That boy's big enough to know what he's doing.

But he promised me he'd go to bed early tonight to go to school tomorrow.

It's scandalous how often he gets classes. Maybe he's a girl. And maybe

he's together with Linda. You know, she's a very attractive girl.

You think he and she... He takes after his father.

Now, darling, maybe they're just out dancing or something.

That something is exactly what I'm afraid of. This is his room. Wait.

There, you see? He's in bed.

Look, you said you had a headache. Let's go into the dorm room for a night, all

right? All right.

I was worried about Linda. I think she's terribly pretty.

I don't want to catch you flirting, sir. And the same goes for you, my dear.

Oh, I didn't know you cared for classical music.

Ah,

we must take her to see an opera with us sometime.

That's a very good idea.

There isn't anything more soothing to the mind than Opera Music Month. Oh,

beautifully said.

Thank you, sir. We're becoming very fond of you.

I think I've strayed to bed. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll be up in a few minutes. Don't worry about me. Good night, Linda.

Good night, Ellen. Good night.

Are you sure there isn't anything I can do for you? No, thank you, Linda.

Would you be prepared to do

something for me, Linda?

That is...

I mean... I'll mix this and drink. I get it. I work here.

Oh, thank you. You're not my stepchild.

I love you as much as I love the missus. Why, thank you.

What's this?

Unmentionable.

The bar girl recommends a special. A Bloody Mary

with ginger ale. That's a wild one.

Sounds like I need something stronger.

The bar girl has a couple of other specials she knows.

Suppose we invite the bar girl over for a bottle of champagne.

She'll fall in love with you.

That's exactly what I'm hoping.

Hoping? Does that mean what she hopes it means? She'll catch on soon enough.

I happen to know she's been a patient girl up to now. Get me?

I get you. It's only a matter of minutes now.

Time to turn bar girl.

A bottle of French champagne.

Vintage.

1959.

Didn't you know the missus slept like a log? I hope you're right.

Linda? Wrong.

I'm the bottler. Well, the similarity is astounding.

You could be her twin sister, you look so alike.

Yes, but you're different.

You look even sexier than Sheila.

She's like Dr. Jekyll. And I'm like Mr. Hyde.

Oh, I like that.

And I'm going to make you submissive even if I have to beat you and rape you.

That won't be necessary, my dear sir.

Your thought makes me tremble. I'll do anything you wish.

Hmm.

Okay.

Undress you.

Yes, sir.

Consider me your slave.

I do.

Let me kowtow before you.

May I kiss your feet?

Yes.

You'd think she'd rent it to her. The bargainer's going to miss you. Tell her

to come again.

When? Soon.

Maybe it's better I unbutton her negligee. She may be able to breathe

better. Hello.

Wake up, ma'am.

Oh, it wasn't me. It was that silly bargainer.

Please wake up, ma'am. It was all my fault.

Your husband was just being a gentleman. He was only doing what I asked him to.

I swear to you, ma'am.

Don't take your hand away, Linda. Don't stop massaging my body.

Wonderful.

Oh, I'm so happy you're enjoying this.

I knew this would happen.

I hope.

Tell me if I go too far.

Oh, don't be silly.

You have such

beautiful nipples.

Oh, my darling.

You're so beautiful, ma'am.

Oh,

Linda. You're lovely.

Really? Mm-hmm.

My very precious darling.

You are so sweet. I could eat you with a spoon.

You make me so happy.

First time in ages.

Oh, Mama.

I'll explain everything to Mama.

The minute you showed up, I knew we'd make music together, love.

What made you think so? A certain look in your eye. Let's start where you just

left off. Cool it, kid.

You're not right behind the ears.

Linda, you want to bet I've made it more often than you have? Who are you trying

to kid? Your eyes are just bigger than anything else you have.

Well, you're not as skinny as I thought. What? My piece of English cake is just

the beginning.

Huh? Now, wait a minute.

Oh.

Surprised, huh?

Yeah, man.

Six feet.

Come here. Save me. This boy is killing me.

Come to mama.

Oh, Siegfried. Shut up, you bastard, or I'll throw you out of the window.

And now, some champagne.

And do you like caviar? Do I like caviar? You betcha.

Okay, I've got it on ice.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you you were nice?

Me? Now let me think.

Nope, not even my mother come to think of it.

Well, then let me... be the first to tell you so. Hey, does that mean the

iceberg's starting to melt?

Don't tell me I was wrong.

You've got a heart.

Well, in a couple of years, when you're a grown-up girl, drop in sometime so you

and I can go out together and paint the town red.

What do you say?

That depends.

What do you mean, that depends?

When you said you thought I was a nice guy, you meant it, right?

That's right.

Well, what do you mean you'll have to think over whether you'll go out with me

or not? Think I'll be too old for you?

Uh-uh.

Well, I can be witty and charming, and I'm generous and kind to animals.

Those are qualities to appreciate in a man, aren't they?

They are. I may not have too much experience with women. Now, where are

the... The bar girl's over here.

Oh, there you are. I've made myself comfortable.

Of course.

I'm about to teach you what love is.

Oh, but... Well, this proves the stories I write can actually take place. Didn't

doubt it a moment.

Why not let me demonstrate the real McCoy?

Well, yes, but I'm sure it's just the effect of my stories on you.

Oh, my. She's a minor.

Yeah.

Oh, well.

I'm only human.