Original subtitles

Have you seen this?

That's Kevin Jesquire. We work together.

I know. He was just arrested for selling trade secrets...

...to a rival pharmaceutical company. It's all over the news.

Holy shit. That's the reason my company went under.

That's why my boss killed himself.

Terrible. Everyone is trying to get an interview with this guy's lawyer.

But he's turning them all down. Well, under the circumstances...

The lawyer's your dad.

An exclusive like this could really get my career back on track.

Yeah, well, the thing is my dad and I don't really talk much anymore, so...

I understand.

It's just that ever since I freaked out on the air...

...and that whole squishy-tits thing went viral, my career is just a total joke.

I shouldn't be complaining to you. It's not like it's your fault.

Or is it?

I'm the idiot who skipped lunch that day.

I still can't believe that low blood sugar could do that to you.

Squishy tits. Squishy tits.

Squish, squish, squishy, tit, tit, tits

Squish, squish, squishy Tit, tit, tits

Oh, Wilfred.

He's always trying to make me feel better.

What happened to his face?

Oh, he's been wandering into Gene's garden lately.

I think he scratched himself on some rose bushes.

Ahh! I gotta run. I got my next assignment for The Squish.

The Squish? It's this stupid 30-second segment...

...they're making me do now.

Today I'm profiling a guy who claims to have the largest forehead in Glendale.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm just one great story away from a comeback, right? Heh.

Jenna!

I'll ask my dad.

Really?

It's worth a shot.

Oh, God. Heh, thank you so much. Heh.

You're the best.

You're not actually gonna call your dad, are you?

I don't want to.

But the least I can do is help her get a big story.

I'm the one who left that stupid pot candy lying around.

She's beating herself up for my mistake.

If you wanna make her feel better, just tell her the truth.

After everything she's been through? She'd never forgive me.

Since when are you the poster boy for honesty?

Rose bushes didn't do that.

Okay, look, I didn't wanna bring it up in front of Jenna...

...but I got into a little scuffle with several members of our Dobie community.

Uh... Oh, I'm sorry. Doberman.

"Dobie" is their word.

I haven't seen Dobermans in the neighborhood.

They're fast, Ryan. Three of the bastards jumped me...

...whilst I was in the back alley taking the trash out of the trash.

I gave as good as I got, but in the end, I was simply outnumbered.

Looks like they've struck at the very heart of our cat community also.

What, so you're just gonna blame them for everything?

Ryan, if I'm quick to point pads at Dobies...

...it's not because they're a vicious, poorly-trained mongrel breed...

...who fail to assimilate and hunt in packs, okay?

It's because they're black.

So then another Dobie comes up and I'm like, snap-kick, smash.

Then another Dobie's like, scratch. That's how I got this. I'm like: Bang!

Two Dobies come up from behind.

And I'm like, reverse double fist: Bang! Hold on.

There were five Dobies? Yeah.

You said three Dobies. What's the difference?

Two Dobies. It's not a numbers game, Ryan.

What did you say? It's not a numbers game.

No, after that.

Did you hear that?

No.

Wilfred, is there a cat in here?

What have you done?

It's not what I've done, Ryan.

It's what I'm going to do.

What the hell is that?

Oh, you didn't know that was there? No.

Well, I guess there's a lot of things you don't know.

For instance, did you know there's a coin behind your ear?

Uh...

It was just the way the light was reflecting off the back of your ear.

Anyway...

Is that the cat from the poster?

What the hell is going on?

Why are there cats in a pit in my basement?

Why, Ryan?

Because they took everything from me.

Do you remember the scratch on my face, Ryan?

The one that's still there? Yes.

It wasn't done by Dobies.

Yeah, I got that.

I was in Gene's garden. That much is true.

His green lawn lay freshly mowed.

Sprinkler rainbows dazzling in the sun.

A fluffy tail swaying in the breeze.

A welcoming purr.

An invitation? A game?

I wagged my tail and smiled on approach.

That's when...

...a hiss, a scratch, so fast...

...open paws, smacks to the face, again and again.

I just wanted it to stop.

And all I could hear was the words of my attacker:

Well, who's meowing now, bitches?!

There are six cats in there. Which one scratched you?

Doesn't matter, Ryan. They've all scratched someone.

So, what are you planning to do?

Kill them.

But first, I will torture them by driving them insane.

Pitiful fools.

Oh, you want the string, but you'll never catch it.

Look at them, Ryan.

They're losing their minds.

Wilfred, these are pets. People will be looking for them.

They're cats, Ryan. No one cares.

Six cats missing in the same neighborhood. That doesn't happen every day. It's...

...a big deal.

The string of disappearing cats struck fear into the hearts of animal lovers in this community.

We can only wait and pray for their safe return.

In Venice Beach, I'm Jenna Mueller.

And this is The Squish. And cut.

Nice job, Squishy T.

Thanks, Rob.

That was gripping. Very dramatic.

Come on, Ryan. It's a missing pet story.

It's one step above a preschool head lice outbreak.

But thanks for suggesting it.

Have you heard from your dad yet?

Yeah. He said no. Sorry.

Another lie, Ryan? That's okay.

It's probably a sign that I should be getting out of this business.

I have a cousin in Long Beach who sells sleep apnea machines.

She says they're always looking for new reps.

But this job is your dream.

Well, maybe it's time that I face reality.

Tits, let's move.

Well, don't give up.

Maybe this cat story will develop into something.

Like what? I don't know.

Maybe there'll be a feel-good ending. All the cats are found safe.

Or sex butchered by a psychopath.

I guess.

Wow, missing cats turn up totally unmurdered.

Stop the presses.

It'll keep the story alive.

As soon as it gets dark, we're releasing those cats.

Uh, I don't get it, Wilfred.

If you were really gonna kill them, why not do it?

Why keep them in a pit?

Because I'm fattening them up to make a cat suit out of their fur.

What? Why?

Ryan, someone needs to show the cat community...

...what happens when you go around scratching dogs.

Plus, imagine how hilarious I'd look wearing a full-bodied animal suit.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen.

Oh, Ryan.

You really believe that, don't you? Heh. Adorable.

- Hey, Jenna. - Oh, my God, Ryan.

You won't believe who just e-mailed me. Some psychopath...

...who claims he has the missing cats. What'?

First I thought it was some YouTube creep pranking me.

But he sent me a picture of them as proof.

He's for real.

How about that'? It gets better.

He's planning to record himself sex butchering the cats.

I mean, I feel bad for them, but he's sending me the video.

And I am gonna be the lead story on every broadcast tomorrow.

And it's all thanks to you.

Pfft. Jenna already told her producer about the cat-killer video.

Her piece is slotted for tomorrow's broadcast.

I hope you're happy. I am happy.

It's a perfect plan.

Jenna gets her story, the cats die, and you get your nuts flicked.

What is wrong with you?

There is no cat-killer video.

Jenna's gonna be humiliated all over again and this time, she'll give up her dream.

Maybe she wouldn't be so hard on herself if someone came clean...

...and told her she's not responsible for destroying her own career.

We're making the cat-killer video, aren't we? We are.

This is just the beginning.

I will not rest until every cat in Venice is dead.

Cut!

Everybody take five.

I'm just not feeling it, mate. Um...

Where are you? Because you're not here.

This is stupid.

Can I say my lines and get this over with?

This is what I'm talking about. Think about who this psychopath is.

Let's just do this.

Everybody set.

And...

...action.

This is just the begin...

Cut!

Okay, uh, you've done the naturalistic shit now.

Well, it's not shit, but you've done that now.

Just for the hell of it, let's do one really big.

Like, if that was a four, give me a 10. Yeah.

And action.

This is just the beginning.

Bigger, please, Ryan.

I will not rest until every cat in Venice is dead!

Bigger, Ryan. Then I will move to my ultimate goal...

Bigger, mate. ...of making earrings...

...out of the bronzed testicles of every postal worker...

...in the greater Los Angeles area!

And now let the first blood be spilled.

Cut! Whoa!

You don't say "cut." I say "cut."

Unless I say "action" and then you cut.

We're not using real cats for this. Ryan, this needs to look authentic.

This will look fine. Okay, do it your way.

Since you can do it and see it through the camera at same time.

I'm just a dickhead in a trucker cap.

Look, I'm not killing any cats for...

Goddamn you!

I'm trying to help you here! You understand that?!

I'm being a goddamn collaborator!

I'm trying to help you figure out your goddamn picture, okay, bitch?

I'm not here to be goddamn yelled at!

Been working on this goddamned thing for three goddamn hours...

...not to be yelled at by some little runt in front of the goddamn crew!

I'm trying to help you, you goddamn bitch!

Figure it out yourself!

Goddamn it!

You want my help, you don't want my help!

You're wasting everybody's time!

Sorry, everyone!

Supposed to be a goddamn grownup!

You're a goddamn grownup!

You're not a goddamn baby!

You're a goddamn grownup! act like a grownup!

When I'm trying to goddamn help you!

Did I yell at you?

Did I goddamn yell at you?! No.

Before right now?! No.

No, I didn't goddamn yell at you!

Not before right now!

You goddamn slut!

Fine, let's shoot it with the stunt cats. Okay, Bear?

Oh, you started editing without me.

Yeah, uh, I would have waited...

...but your e-mail to Jenna promised it in time for the noon news, so...

Gee, you're a whiz with that clicker. It's called a mouse.

Funny name for it, isn't it? Not really.

That music is just temporary, yeah?

No, that's the music.

Really?

And now let the first blood be spilled.

Your performance is off there.

Let's look at the other takes. The performance is fine.

If you do say so yourself. Heh.

Wow, lot of clicking, huh?

Well, yeah, look, I think I'm just getting in the way here, so I should probably...

Man, you really are clicking the shit out of that mouse, aren't you?

Anyway, well, uh, good luck with the video, mate.

What's wrong? I got the video.

Really?

My sad little angel

With a heart full of pain

Comfort seems so far

In the cold winter rain

Let me kiss away your tears

Let me hug away your fears

Let me chase away the sad...

It just goes on like that for another 40 minutes.

Jenna, L- Love it

It's a masterpiece.

It was all a joke.

Stupid little Squishy Tits fell for it.

Some journalist I am, huh?

Uh, Jenna... I'm done.

You reedited the video?

Why didn't you use the stuff we shot? You were just too big.

How could you?

She's gonna quit her job.

She's worked so hard to get to where she is and it's all ruined, all because of...

All because of me.

You have to tell her it's not her fault.

She's gonna hate me.

Maybe, maybe not.

Honesty has a way of making things work out for the best.

But what if it doesn't?

Mate, you weren't honest with Amanda and you lost her.

Why not try it another way?

Jenna, wait.

What's wrong?

The day you lost it on the air...

...you ate a piece of candy at my house.

Yeah, I was hungry. I skipped lunch.

It was pot candy.

You were stoned.

What?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it until it was too late to warn you.

Jenna, you're a good journalist. You can't quit.

But I passed a drug test.

I switched the urine.

That's why you thought you were pregnant. I used Kristen's pee.

Oh, my God. Wha...?

That's why Drew and I... There's more.

To get your job back, I blackmailed your boss. Just stop.

Jenna, I swear, I never meant to... No, no, just stay away from me!

Wilfred, come!

You told me if I was honest, everything would work out.

I really thought it would, mate.

- Honest. - Wilfred!

Again, two pieces of candy. One is harmless. One is drugs.

Can you tell the difference? Can your children tell the difference?

Because I couldn't and the consequences for me were devastating.

It nearly cost me everything.

My job, my reputation and my peace of mind.

Something needs to be done to prevent this from happening again.

In Venice Beach, I'm Jenna Mueller.

That was a great report.

Jenna will never speak to me again...

...but at least something good has come out of all this.

Time heals all wounds, Ryan.

That's what healed the scratch on my cheek.

Time, love and a little bacterial cream.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm returning the cats. There's no reason to keep them.

I was literally just about to kill them. You're cuddling with that cat.

I'm lulling it into a false sense of security.

That tickles.

You are naughty.

And you are silly.

Wilfred, it's obvious that you love them.

Love? Are you kidding?

Uh, did you not just hear me call Mr. Snuggles naughty...

...and Chairman Meow silly?

Aw!

Look, Cheeky-Cheeks has brought me a mouse.

You are such a hypocrite.

You pushed me to be honest with Jenna about the worst shit I've ever done...

...but you won't admit how you really feel about these cats?

Ryan, I have a confession to make.

You love the cats.

We'll leave them in the alley.

- Hey. - Hey.

Listen...

...about this morning, I...

I can't stop thinking about those things you did.

Jenna, I did those things because I care about you.

I know.

But the thing is...

...it's my fault too.

I made you care.

Oh, God. You're gonna think I'm a terrible person...

...but I used you.

What?

From the day we met, it was pretty obvious that you had a crush on me.

What? Heh.

I was new here and I felt guilty about leaving Wilfred alone all day...

...and you were so sweet and eager to help, so I let you.

Jenna, you didn't use me.

We're friends. Come on, Ryan.

You took care of Wilfred every day.

You picked up my dry-cleaning.

You saved my job.

You did everything for me...

...and all I did was smile and flirt and string you along.

I am so sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Hey, I do everything else for you.

Oh. Uh, I saw your report. It was pretty great.

Thanks. Heh.

Yeah, the response has been amazing.

I even got a call from a city councilwoman.

She's gonna introduce an ordinance to clearly label pot candy.

She wants me to be a policy advisor.

Guess The Squish is officially dead. Wow.

Congratulations.

I'm really glad everything worked out.

It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been honest with me.

You inspired me, Ryan.

That's what friends are for.

I'm gonna miss you, Popcorn.

And don't forget to get in at least an hour's scratching-post time every day.

Bootsy, whatever you do, stay away from that Chinese restaurant down the street.

You know what they do there.

They overcharge for mediocre food.

Go. Be free.

You did the right thing, Wilfred. It's so hard.

Oh, my God. Dobies?

They're real?

Run to the trees! To the trees!

Run, Chairman Meow! Bootsy!

No! No!