Original subtitles

Wow.

This just in. My boobs are huge.

Squishy. Tits.

Squishy. Squishy. Squishy.

You've gotta feel how soft my tits are

Well, it probably hasn't been seen by that many people.

One-point-four million views? It's posted everywhere.

As your lawyer, maybe I could send a cease-and-desist letter...

...to "fazio-mcboners-99."

Oh, God, it's humiliating.

- Ryan? - Oh, uh, um...

Amanda. Wh... Wh... What are you doing here?

Sunday morning workout.

Hi. I'm Amanda.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. This is my neighbor, Jenna.

She's Wilfred's owner.

Yeah, it's so nice to finally meet you. Yeah. You too.

Well, I gotta run, so I'll see you later.

Well, she seems...

She is. She totally is.

I mean, she wasn't just then, but she usually is.

Come on, treasure. I know you're under there somewhere, dick.

It's Drew. I... Hey, sweetie.

What?

They just played "Squishy Tits" on Howard Stern.

Why are you telling me this like you're excited?

What are you doing?

Sniffing up all the valuables these idiot beachgoers leave behind.

Oh, shit!

You're not gonna believe this. I had my arm around Jenna.

And of course, right at that moment, Amanda shows up.

So?

So that's not how I wanted them to meet.

Next step in my relationship with Amanda is her hanging out with my friends.

I need to make sure they get along.

Ryan, have I ever told you the story about Rex and Lady?

Their owners moved in together and tried to force them to be friends.

But Rex was a free-spirited swashbuckler, a dreamer.

A Renaissance dog, really.

Lady, on the other hand, was a dyke.

So one day, their owners made them play in the yard together.

Well, Rex ended up killing Lady and hiding her body under the porch.

And every now and then...

...Rex would go out and look at the corpse...

...and I'd find myself...

And Rex would find himself getting aroused.

My point is, you can't control relationships.

You have to let things happen naturally.

Yeah. "Naturally" is what just happened on the beach.

Oh, my God. Is that...?

A piece of shit diamond brooch.

Anyway, I wish they'd met under better circumstances...

...like a dinner party.

Oh, I love dinner parties.

They totally bring out the Pomeranian in me.

Wilfred, you're not exactly dinner-party guest material.

The smell of food makes you drool all over and you lick people's scabs.

Ryan, it's a perfect opportunity for me to get to know Amanda.

You've been dating her for two months.

And I haven't even so much as sniffed her Map of Tessie.

Is that her...? Yeah.

Woo-hoo!

Sandy mayonnaise crusts.

Mm.

So that... That... That was funny, running into you at the beach today.

I'm really glad you got to finally meet Jenna.

Yeah, me too. You guys seem close.

I mean, you certainly watch her dog a lot.

You know, I have to ask you a question about her.

Totally. Anything.

Is she...

"squishy Tits"?

Oh, um...

Oh, my God. I knew it.

What was her deal? Was she on drugs?

What? No. Um, low blood sugar.

Look, don't judge her based on that video.

I'm sure you'd like her if you got to know her.

Maybe we can all hang out sometime, like a dinner party or something?

You mean at your place?

I cook a pretty mean brisket.

That sounds great.

Hey, and maybe you could even serve up some squish, squish, squish.

Squish, squish, squash. No.No.No.

You seriously cannot mention that.

Hey. Welcome. Hey.

Something smells great in here.

Brought you some Sheboygan Seasonal Pumpkin Kale Ale.

Oh. Great. I think I still have the case that you gave me last year.

Ha, ha. You don't have to hoard it, buddy. It's not our best seller.

But, hey, more for us. Right, bro?

We'll put our coats in your bedroom. Okay.

Hi. I made a pie. Hey.

Oh. You didn't have to do that. I wanted to make a good impression.

What did you tell them about me?

That I'm a nerd who spends all day in a windowless lab?

I did. But when they see you in that dress, they're not gonna believe me.

Hey, Amanda.

Hi. Hey, great to see you again.

Yeah. You too. This is Drew, my fiancé.

She makes everything sound so fancy.

We're getting married.

Congratulations. Thanks.

That is a beautiful dress.

- Thank you. Ryan helped me pick it out. - Aw...

Seriously?

Yeah. This is nice.

I'll just put this in the kitchen and get everyone some wine.

Or some pumpkin kale ale.

Oh, Jenna, did I mention that Amanda went to school in Santa Barbara?

No. Drew and I are getting married in Montecito.

I love Montecito. Isn't it the best?

- Where in Montecito? - The Bay Harbor Club.

Yoo-hoo.

What are you doing here?

I brought dessert.

I found it in the most charming little French bakery's Dumpster.

There's nothing in here. Of course there is.

There's a giant grease stain and a smidge of crusty whipped cream.

I've already chewed up four of these this week.

After tonight, I'm going on a cleanse. Sorry we're late, by the way.

We?

What are you doing sitting over here, cranky pants?

Can we just have a nice night tonight? Please?

Ooh, something smells divine. No, no. Wilfred!

I'll have a glass of Pinot.

Just a club soda for Bear.

Bear's back on the wagon.

Five weeks sober. It's a miracle.

Take my coat.

Wilfred, I know what this is.

You wanna get to know Amanda, but now isn't the time.

I need everything to run smoothly tonight. And it will.

Isn't this beautiful? Oh, I should say hello.

No, no! Wilfred, go home. Please.

And miss out on a delicious mingle?

Oh, isn't that cute?

Wilfie followed us over to the party.

Well, hello, everyone.

Amanda, so good to see you again.

No, no, no, down. Get him off!

- Get him off me! - Wilfred!

Sorry. I...

I'm not much of a dog person.

I think I smell something burning.

I'm sorry. I can take him home if it's gonna be a problem.

No, no. I... I'll be fine. it's... it's...

I didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.

You know, I just remembered...

...Jenna minored in art, and you like art.

Well, I was a business major...

...but this one time, my roommate and I, we had this big argument...

...about whether it was Monet or Manet.

And it turns out, both are correct.

That's the great thing about art.

I'll just, um... I'll go get your drinks.

Wilfred, this is exactly why...

Look, Ryan, I'm sorry.

I was excited because I know she's a special person in your life...

...and I wanted to get to know her better.

But tonight's important to you.

So I'm gonna be on my best behavior from now on.

Really? Some people like dogs, some don't.

It's a free country. You don't have to worry about me, Ryan.

Well, thank you for being so mature about this.

For a minute there, I thought you were... Oh, shit!

Oh, no, no, no.

What's going on?

Isn't it obvious?

All of the tension in the air has sent Bear back to the bottle.

Five weeks down the drain.

Hey, look.

Bear is back on the wagon again.

Problem solved.

Bead

Looks like we're in for a bumpy night.

Ryan, this brisket looks amazing.

Okay, Bear. We're almost there.

Oh... Oh, whoopsy daisies!

Excuse us, everyone.

Come on. Let's get you on your feet.

No, Bear. We're not over here.

You can't ride the go-karts because we're not at the go-kart track.

We're at Ryan's house, remember?

Um, think I could get another plate?

I think the dog may have touched this as he walked by.

Oh, uh... Here. Take mine.

My old dog used to love licking my plate.

She was such a sweetheart too.

And Wilfred loved her.

Then one day she just ran away.

I miss you, Lady.

Yes, Bear, I heard you the first time.

Six beers, and Amanda's finally starting to look bone-able.

Volume, Bear. Volume.

You know, dogs are very hygienic animals.

So, Jenna, how's the wedding planning going?

Good. I read somewhere that dog mouths are cleaner than people mouths.

That's actually a common misconception.

Dogs' mouths harbor a massive infectious disease and viral load.

In fact, one dog lick and you could end up...

...with hantavirus, E. coli, hepatitis...

Yes, I get it, Bear. I'm your best friend.

I'm one of the good ones. You love me.

I'm a journalist... Yeah. I've seen your work.

Thanks.

I've seen research about dogs... Bear, your breath! Give me a little space!

- Oh! Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.

- Okay, Wilfie, time to go. - No, it's fine.

It's fine. I'm sorry. I just... I'm gonna go clean up.

You're destroying my dinner party. It's not me, it's Bear.

Let's get through the rest of the night...

...and in the morning, we can try to get Bear back to rehab.

Enough. If you keep acting like this...

...you're gonna cost me my first real relationship in two years.

Wait. Since when does Bear have two eyes?

Bear stole that button off Amanda's coat.

When Bear drinks, all impulse control goes out the window.

You've ruined her coat?

In all fairness, is keeping her little coat buttoned up...

...more important than giving someone the precious gift of sight?

Oh, God! You monster!

It's okay, Bear. I can fix this.

Hm. That's tight. Mm, mm.

Mm. Mm.

Note to self. Why are you doing this?

You trying to punish Amanda for not liking you?

Amanda doesn't seem to like anyone.

She says she's not a dog person but she's not really a people person, either.

People aren't getting along because of you. I had this evening perfectly planned.

I told you, Ryan, you can't force them to get along.

Oh, yeah?

Watch me.

Listen, I'm sorry if it seemed like Amanda overreacted to Wilfred.

It's okay.

It's just weird that she doesn't like dogs. Don't you think?

Actually, there's a reason for that.

When she was a kid, she was attacked by a dog.

Oh, my God. She was walking home from school...

...and this huge Great Dane came out of nowhere and bit her.

It was really traumatic.

That poor girl.

Where was she bit?

On her left butt cheek.

There's a huge scar.

She's really sensitive about it.

Well, I won't say anything. I promise.

Yeah, well, I should probably go check on her.

A Great Dane bit Amanda, huh?

That will never work. Oh, yeah? Why not?

Everyone knows the Great Dane's preferred method of attack...

...is the pin-down-and-slobber-on.

Coincidentally, that's also Drew's preferred method of lovemaking.

I know what I'm doing.

Amanda, I am so sorry about the wine.

- Of course I will pay for any dry-cleaning. - No.

Heh, heh. It's fine. Really, it's okay.

Look, I know I've been testy tonight, but it's not you.

Don't know if you've heard, there's this Internet video...

...that's ruining my life right now.

Oh, uh...

No, I haven't heard anything about it. I'll send you the link.

Anyway, I have been super stressed out lately.

You know what I do when stressed out? There is this amazing spa on Wilshire.

They have natural hot springs.

We should go sometime. I would love that. How about this weekend?

Okay. It's a date.

You know what this calls for? Another round of wine.

Well, I'm a big enough dog to admit when I'm wrong.

I guess you can force people to like each other.

No thanks to you.

Just one question, though.

I've never been allowed in a spa.

The patrons keep their clothes on, right?

Oh, wait, no.

It's the opposite, isn't it?

Looks like your lie about Amanda being bit in the ass...

...is about to come back and bite...

Come on, Wilfred, you're better than that.

It seems you and Jenna are hitting it off.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to the spa.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. Um...

Jenna would never tell you this herself, but she shouldn't be going to the spa.

Why?

The heat is not good for her...

...heart condition. Oh, my God.

Why did she agree to go?

She's stubborn. She doesn't want it to stop her from enjoying life, but...

Thank you for telling me. I'll suggest something else.

That'd probably be for the best.

Hey, what's the ETA on the P-I-E?

Coming right up.

Oh, Jesus.

Let me guess. Drunk Bear threw the pie in your face?

Yes, Ryan. Right after Bear said some of the most extraordinarily hurtful things...

...I've ever heard come out of someone's mouth.

I am not a butthead.

That's it. Bear's going.

Bead

Let go of my Paw-

You're hurting me. Wilfred, drop it!

Hey, everything okay in here?

- What the hell? - Wilfred!

You could've broken my back.

Amanda, help me up, please. Get the dog away from me!

Hey, where's your scar?

What scar?

Oh. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.

- What are you talking about? - Look.

Somebody got into the pie. May... May... Maybe we should go for ice cream.

Ryan told us about that dog that bit you on your butt when you were little.

The dog that... What?

Why would you tell them that?

He wanted us to understand why you don't like dogs.

And we totally get it. A bite on the butt.

That's what you told them? What is wrong with you?

Don't talk to Ryan like that. Stay out of this, Squishy Tits.

Yikes.

You lied to your friends about me.

L... Uh-oh, Ryan.

Amanda was caught with her pants down, now you're caught with your pa...

Seriously, Wilfred? You are off tonight.

I didn't realize my history with dogs was so important.

But why don't I save us some time and tell you the truth?

You don't have to... No, no, no.

We're all real good friends now, right?

You wanna know why I don't like dogs? Let's share.

When I was 8, I used to spend every Sunday at my grandfather's house.

He had two Bluetick hounds.

Sam and Finnegan.

We used to take them for walks and go for swims in the lake.

L...

I looked forward to it all week.

Then one Sunday...

...my morn dropped me off...

...and I went inside the house.

And there was my grandfather lying on the kitchen floor.

He'd had a heart attack.

He'd been there for about a week.

The dogs, they got so hungry that they'd eaten both his legs...

...and half his face.

That's the last time I remember seeing my grandpa.

So thank you for the reminder.

Excuse me.

So sad.

Amanda?

Can I come in?

Drew and Jenna took off. It's just me.

Wilfred.

No, no. It's okay.

I get it now.

I was lying on the bed here crying...

...and Wilfred just came up and cuddled up to me.

It was like he knew I was upset.

And then, I don't know, everything felt...

...better.

There, there.

Let's get those tears off your face.

Amanda, I shouldn't have lied about the dog attack.

Yeah.

And Jenna doesn't have a heart condition either, does she?

I can't believe I called her "Squishy Tits."

Does she hate me now?

No, no, no. She doesn't...

She'll... She'll get over it.

I'm sorry about everything.

I just wanted you and Jenna to get along.

Because if you didn't, I was worried...

...that maybe that would mean that you and I...

Ryan, you never have to worry about you and me.

We're good.

Really? Yeah.

Anyone who's gone to all that trouble must care a lot.

I shouldn't have tried to force it.

I mean, hey, look at you and Wilfred.

I know.

It's weird, right?

Since that incident with my grandfather, I've never felt comfortable around dogs.

I've always associated them with this feeling of doom.

But now, with Wilfred, I don't feel afraid anymore.

I'm glad. Heh, heh.

Wilfred means a lot to me.

Come here, Wilfred.

Nice to finally meet you.

So I hear Amanda and Jenna are going out to dinner this weekend.

Yup. And I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

I'm proud of you, Ryan.

It's good that you're no longer trying to control things.

Well, like any alcoholic, Bear had to bottom out first, you know?

But I'm pleased to report, Bear is back in the program.

Got a new sponsor, and I really think it's a step in the right direction.

Bear's sponsor is an origami swan?

Look, you and I both know the paper swan can't actually talk to Bear.

But if it helps Bear, that's all that matters, yeah?

I'm very proud of you.