Original subtitles

Sorry. He's not usually like this.

Leash aggression. Come on. Come on.

Ryan. Oh, my God. It's been a while.

Yeah. My new job is pretty intense, long hours.

I was actually on my way there now, but I wanted to stop by and say hi.

Well, yeah, I'm really glad you did.

You wanna come in? Yeah.

So Wilfred is back from Wisconsin, huh? I guess that mean's Drew...

Ry can see clearly now, the rain is gone.

What's up, bro? Welcome back, Drew.

Good to see you, man.

Did you hear the news? I'm moving to L.A.

For reals this time.

Finally tying the old knot-a-roo.

That's great.

Wow. I can't believe it's been three months since I've seen Wilfred.

Oh, he's gonna be so excited. Wilfred! Wilfie.

Guess who's here.

Drew-by-Dooby-Doo.

What's up, bro?

Hoo-wah! Ha, ha, ha.

I finally taught Wilfie how to shake.

Hey, buddy.

I brought you your ball.

Drew, have you seen this? Jordy Nelson's ankle sprain isn't as bad as we thought.

Might even start Sunday.

Thank God.

Nelson really takes the top of the defense.

Uh, I don't think he remembers me.

Of course he does. Just give him a second. You want some coffee?

Warning, bro, it's decaf. All that's allowed these days.

If it means that much to you, Drew, you can drink whatever you want.

Okay, Wilfie, wanna play some catch? Huh? Come on.

Come on. Hells, yeah. Catch is the shit.

I'm so glad you stopped by.

I thought maybe you were, I don't know, avoiding me.

Work has been crazy.

Well, I've missed you.

By the way, I'm sure you've noticed. I'm not pregnant.

False positive.

Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.

It's okay. I mean, that's why Drew and I got engaged...

...but we're still really excited about the wedding.

Okay.

Come on. Whip it over here. Let's see that arm, champ.

My bad. My bad. It's just under the bush over here.

I'm all over it, Drewish Community Center.

Hey, I wanted to say goodbye. Gotta head to the office.

Listen, I'm sorry you had to witness that squabble in there.

Things have been tense between me and Jenna.

Really? I didn't notice.

She was going through my luggage...

...and she found a bottle of this stuff called Maxtinol.

They're over-the-counter, but turns out, technically, they're kind of steroids.

And I had no idea.

A guy at the gym turned me on to them for maximum core rippage.

But, of course, Jenna assumed the worst.

Got it.

All right, Wilfie.

Bring it back.

Here you go, bro. Here's the ball. Right where you wanted it.

All the way back.

Oh, right, right, right. Of course.

Good boy. Let go.

Let go. Wilfie, let go.

Oh, you wanted the ball.

Right. Sorry.

I don't know why I do that.

Come on, Wilfred. Get your head in the game.

Wow, Wilfred seems really into playing catch.

Yeah, I took him to my parents' lake house after the accident.

We totally bonded.

Wilfie got in the best shape of his life.

Nothing like fresh Wisconsin air to get you back on your feet.

Okay, I got this one. Let's do this.

Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew... Oh, shit.

Although, let's be honest...

...he's never gonna be a champion.

Drew, I just tripped over your suitcase for, like, the fifth time this morning.

Could you please finish unpacking? Coming, sweetie! Heh, heh, heh.

Wilfred, I know you're having trouble remembering who I am...

...but I hope that with time...

I remember you, Ryan.

Memory is like the Packers...

...when they're behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter.

It comes back.

So how have you been?

Wisconsin was kick-ass.

There's a beautiful lake there. I took 37 shits in it.

But you always thought Drew was a dick.

Drew picked up the broken bundle of bones I called a body after that car accident.

He helped create what you see before you.

We've showered together.

I won't say another bad word about him. I'd appreciate that.

I really need you to please just put your stuff away.

- Jeez. - Hey, Jenna.

- They're having problems. - I can see that.

This is hard. Should I say something?

Like what, Ryan?

Drew and Jenna are getting married. Get over it.

Yeah. They're only getting married because Jenna thought she was pregnant.

And she only thought that because I switched her pee for that drug test.

Don't you think I need to do the right thing...?

You know, spending the last few months with Drew...

...sitting on the couch, watching A-Rodge thread needles...

...doing chest and back Tuesdays, arms and cardio Thursdays...

...not having to help solve any deep, emotional problems...

...it helped me realize that this little relationship of ours has been one-sided.

What do you mean? I mean, you're selfish.

From now on, you got a problem...

...figure it out yourself.

Wait. Wilfred, I need you.

Well, I don't need you, Ryan Woman, hear me roar.

You're on your own.

Hey, you know, I was thinking rather than ordering in...

...maybe you and I could grab a bite at Cestone's.

Actually, I brought my lunch.

Oh, okay.

You know what? I don't get it.

I've calculated my facial proportions and I am 94 percent symmetrical...

...which according to the index, is borderline hot.

And I dressed up this boring old lab coat...

...with a quirky Japanese robot pin, so you know I'm fun.

And everyone in the office already knows I am a total sex addict.

What? And, see, I have this edgy sense of humor...

...which sometimes crosses the line.

Like right now, for instance.

Oh, God. You totally have a girlfriend, don't you?

Not exactly.

Look, Amanda, you seem great.

Oh, this is awkward.

You know, I'm just gonna go have sex with whoever's in the men's room.

Well, there's that edgy sense of humor again. So good stuff.

Hey-

I like the suit. You look nice. You too.

What, in my mustard-stained sweatpants?

Mustard stains are the new black.

You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just...

Relationships can be, uh, tough.

You could always call it off.

Call what off? My eight-year relationship?

Heh. It was a joke.

A bad joke.

I'm sorry.

No, it's my bad.

I don't have much of a sense of humor these days.

I'll see you.

See you.

Hey, small world.

You Jog, huh?

It's Thursday, Ryan. I told you. Arms and cardio.

So, what was up with Drew?

I woke up at 6 when he slammed the car door and sped off.

Was he pissed off?

Drew drives hard. Dude's confident behind the wheel.

Did he and Jenna have another argument?

Relax. I'm not asking for advice or anything. I'm just trying to make small talk.

And I'm just trying to focus on my pace.

Uh, seven-minute miles, ever heard of them?

You think Jenna...? Are you still sweating over that?

I told you, it's over. Let it go.

Yeah, but... Okay, can we just slow down for a second?

Why? So we can spend the whole day talking about your problems, selfish prick?

I'm not Dr. Phil, okay?

I'm Dr. Wilfred. And I only call myself that when I'm deejaying.

What do you want me to say? I need your help.

And what about my problems?

You don't think I'm dying inside right now because Drew thinks I'm a loser?

I guess I never thought about it.

If this bromance is gonna work...

...we need to have an equal relationship.

Like those two guys over there.

Those guys? Yeah.

See that one guy? He's scratching the other guy behind the ear.

And the first guy, he's psyched...

...because he's helping the other guy, who's his friend.

Now, the first guy, he's throwing that ball.

And the other guy, the naked hairy guy...

...he's running and bringing it back because that's what bros do.

It goes both ways, Ry-Sharona.

Get in there. Get in there. Good. Get in there. Get in there. Tunnel.

Come on. Come on. Up. Up.

Stay. Stay. Stay.

Nice grab, bro.

Hey, cute pooch.

- What's the breed? - Um, he's a...

Tell him snow leopard. I don't really know.

Couldn't even do that for me, hey, Ryan?

Keeps you guessing, huh?

- Heh. You have no idea. - Hey.

Jellybeans, huh? What's up, bro?

Hey, you look good out there.

On the count of three, both say what we can bench.

One, two, three. Thirty-five pounds.

Hey, you didn't say it.

Oh, what? You're ignoring me now?

You're better than me, you beautiful, golden-haired prick?

Jellybeans has been training for the Health Kibble Incredible Dog Challenge.

Kind of a fun thing to do on a Saturday, huh, kid?

Yeah, that's it.

Attaboy.

If I win this competition, then Drew will finally see me as a champion.

Jenna would never let Drew enter me into the contest.

He's not allowed to do anything even slightly competitive.

Well, maybe I could sign you up.

I was on the track team in high school. I could train you.

You'd do that for me?

Wait, what's in it for you?

Come on, Wilfred. I'm your friend.

Cut the shit.

You just need me to help you solve your little Jenna dilemma.

Okay, fine. You're right.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

Weak grip, mate.

FlexBar hand exerciser, ever heard of it?

What are you doing?

Just studying some film from practice.

Listen, I was thinking maybe later tonight, we could start talking about Jenna.

Hang on, hang on. Look at this. See what I did there?

I got super-tired, stopped running and started dry-heaving.

I've gotta not do that.

God, who am I kidding?

There's no way I can beat Jellybeans.

I'm never gonna be the champion he is.

He's so fast and strong.

He's got the glossy coat of a healthy one-year-old.

And his nose...

God, his nose gets so wet.

Don't worry. We'll get you there.

Maybe if we took a break and talked. No.

There's only one way I can win this competition.

You need to put a jar of flesh-eating bacteria...

...all over Jellybeans' legs and genitals.

I'm not doing that.

Fine. You don't wanna do whatever it takes to help me, the deal's off.

What...? Wait, wait, wait.

You wanna be faster and stronger?

What if I could get you Maxtinol?

Maxtinol? It's an over-the-counter stimulant.

Drew says that it helps you achieve maximum core rippage.

That's just the kind of rippage I need.

No. No, I can't. It's against my code of ethics.

Your code of ethics? I have a strict policy against taking...

...any drug that's not illegal. They're never strong enough.

No, if I'm gonna win this thing for Drew, I'm gonna need the good shit.

You mean, real steroids? I'm talking about the back-alley shit.

The shit that Kathleen Turner uses.

Think you can handle that, bro? Wilfred, I...

See, this is how friendships work, Ryan.

I scratch your back.

You scratch the area directly above my penis until my leg goes ape-shit.

Oh, oh. Ask this guy. He's perfect.

Can I help you? Um...

."yeah.

I was wondering, you seem like someone that would know...

...where I could get something that would make me, uh, stronger?

Maybe something that you can't find in a health store?

If you're asking me what I think you're asking me, it's illegal.

Really? You're not on steroids?

So that's, like, your natural package?

Hey, buddy.

I think I know what you're looking for.

Drew is gonna shit.

I'm gonna look just like that Kathleen Turner dude.

All right, let's do this.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing? I just want steroids.

This is what you're gonna do to get them.

You know what? Never mind.

Oh, typical. Won't even schlob this guy's knob to help a friend get steroids.

You selfish prick.

Fine.

Look, I'll give you money, but I'm not gonna do that.

Fine, 150 bucks and a hug.

A hug? LOng

I want it to be tender, like we're sisters at a funeral.

That's really good.

I can feel your heart beating against mine.

Oh, hi.

Ryan!

This is great, Ryan.

Wilfred looks like he's having so much fun.

I'm gonna go give the little fella a pep talk.

Wow, you guys seem happy. Things are better.

I think we were both sort of using Wilfred as a way to avoid our issues.

But thanks to you, we got some time alone to work things out.

Awesome.

God, Jenna and Drew are even worse than I thought.

They've tricked themselves into believing everything's all right.

Ryan, please. I'm trying to focus here.

It's hard enough with Jelly "The Intimidator" Beans over there...

...staring me down, trying to get inside my head.

We get it, Beans.

We all know you got tasty balls. No need to flaunt it.

Jesus, is there no limit to this guy's arrogance?

Next on deck, Wilfred.

Shit. That's it. Give me the pills.

Very funny, Ryan.

Here we go. Down the hatch.

Whoa. Are you gonna take them all at once?

Um, obviously. More steroids equals more champion-ish-ness.

No, I'm sorry. I can't let you do this.

What? Why the hell not?

Wilfred, read the label.

This stuff can cause liver damage and heart disease.

You're too important to me as a friend. You mean, ex-friend.

Fine. I won't let you do something I know will hurt you.

I'd rather let you go.

You were right. I am selfish.

Damn right, you are.

And I'm gonna humiliate myself in front of Drew.

Wilfred, you're up.

Yay, Wilfie.

Ryan, I'm slow and I'm weak. I can't do this.

Yeah, you can. You just need the proper motivation.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's this about? You know I don't do the leash thing.

What's the matter? It's just a little leash. Screw you, Ryan.

What are you looking at, Jellybeans, huh?

You do not want what I'm bringing.

Oh, you want some too?

Let me see your papers, you filthy immigrant.

Let go. Let go.

Let go!

Oh, no, he's not gonna win.

Argh!

No, no, no.

Jellybeans!

Wilfred, no!

Sorry.

I blocked off my whole weekend on my calendar for your wedding.

It's gonna be awesome.

- That really means a lot to us, Ryan. - Dude, check it out.

Ha, ha. Wilfred's all proud of himself. That's hilarious.

Hilarious? You see what it says there? "Participant."

You think they give one to every dog in the competition?

They need to give you the award for the silliest dog, Wilfie.

- Come on, babe. - We'll see you at the car.

All right.

You upheld your end of the bargain.

Now it's my turn.

You wanna know how to deal with your little Jenna-Drew situation?

Plant that in Drew's luggage.

Jenna will find it, throw a fit...

...and call off her engagement with that unloving, emotionless monster.

Let it go, Wilfred.

But we showered together.

So when I saw her in the break room, I asked her out to dinner.

She said yes. Really?

The girl from your office? Yeah.

That's great, Ryan. I'm happy for you, dude.

You okay? Yeah. Yeah.

I just got reminded of a pretty intense relationship...

...I haven't thought about in a while.

Um, I don't think you ever met her. Jenna's old couch?

Jenna's couch? Good girl.

Little on the big side.

The sex was incredible.

She even let me put it in the armrest a few times.

But eventually, I just got tired of sitting around all day...

...watching TV with her.

The breakup was pretty tough on her.

She didn't leave the house for, like, six years.