Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Yeah, this morning doesn't even have a shot

at being good.

I stepped in chewing gum.

I swear to God.

Gum on the sidewalk's just another sign of

the complete breakdown of society.

I mean, you know who's to blame, don't

you?

Republicans?

The Democrats?

I'm going with the phone company.

No, the IRS.

They give these huge tax breaks to corporations,

which means there's less money for education, which

means schools can't hire enough teachers, which means

kids aren't being taught social responsibilities, which means

they spit their gum on the sidewalk where

it ends up on my shoe.

Gotta hand it to him.

I didn't think he could get here from

there.

Can I have some coffee, please?

Hey, Jake.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jake.

Check this out.

I just got this great letter in the

mail.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see.

Oh, wow.

Publishers Clearinghouse.

Hey, they don't send those to just anybody.

Well, yeah, they do.

I'm sorry about that.

That was a wrong letter.

Now, when I was in the sixth grade,

my teacher, Mrs. McGuire, had us write a

list of ten things that we want to

accomplish in our lives.

Now, all these years later, she's sent them

back to everybody.

All right, Jake's letter.

Here we go.

All right.

Ten things I want to accomplish by Jake

T-Bone Malinak.

T-Bone?

I was going through a blues period.

Just read it, all right?

Number one, become the first black president.

Well, that's still open.

Two, see the Grand Canyon.

So much for that one.

Three, be an astronaut.

Four, meet an angel.

Oh, when I was little, I used to

dream that an angel would appear in my

bedroom and show me heaven.

Actually, I meant one of Charlie's angels.

But it's pretty much the same dream, though.

Five, eat a whole gallon of O'Malley's mint

chocolate chip ice cream by myself.

Six, do a pull-up.

Boy, you had some lofty goals there, T

-Bone.

Can you do a pull-up?

That's not the...

Yeah, all right.

Seven, play in the World Series.

Well, that's out.

But hey, look on the bright side.

You can still be an umpire.

All right, let's see.

Number eight, ride an elephant.

Nine, kiss Mara Jenkins.

Ah, let me guess.

She developed early.

Guys would come from blocks away just to

watch us skip rope.

Ten, Mount Everest.

Is that another girl in your class?

No, I wanted to climb Mount Everest.

This list is nice to have, as would

be a cup of coffee.

Now, wait a minute, Becker.

So how many of those things did you

do on the list?

Um...

Well, none of them.

Well, that's no big deal, you know.

Life moves on.

Things change.

You know, like when I was younger, once

I wanted a cup of coffee.

Did any of you guys ever notice that

he drinks coffee all day and never pees?

Yeah, this morning, when Amanda read me that

list, I was laughing, but now it just

seems kind of sad.

It's not sad, Jake.

It's sweet.

Well, it is a little sad.

You'd think after 20 years, I'd have accomplished

something.

The loser.

Oh, relax.

If we all became what we wanted to

be when we were 11, everyone would be

an astronaut.

Oh, not me.

I'd be a tollbooth operator.

What?

When I was a kid, I thought it

was a great job.

You stand in a booth and people throw

money at you.

You know, there's a place on 42nd Street

where you can still do that.

Margaret, guess what I have.

A good excuse for being late.

Better.

I brought you something dark, sweet, and rich.

You got Denzel Washington in there?

Better.

Fudge brownies.

Oh, those aren't like the ones you bought

at that concert last year, are they?

That was one time, and you didn't have

to eat so many.

They made me so hungry, I couldn't stop.

Just don't bring that kind in here again.

I am not spending another afternoon at the

planetarium.

Mr. Levin, either you start watching your cholesterol,

or we'll be able to melt you down

and spread you on a muffin.

I'll be good, I promise.

Oh, brownies.

Well, I suppose one couldn't hurt.

You'd think, until you spend a weekend locked

in your closet listening to Pink Floyd.

Moist, aren't they?

Are you choking?

Can you speak?

John, get out of here.

What's going on?

Are you all right?

Here, sit down.

Here we go.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm okay now.

You sure?

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

That was no big deal.

No big deal?

You saved my life.

I can't thank you enough.

It was heroic.

Thank you so much.

I told them cholesterol could kill him, didn't

I?

Linda.

Linda, I am so proud of you.

I didn't even know that you knew the

Heimlich Maneuver.

I guess after three years of walking past

that poster in the hall, something sank in.

That poster is about sexual harassment.

It's the same move.

Reg, uh, cheeseburger and coffee, please.

That's terrific.

Uh, thanks.

I'll see you then.

Okay, do you guys remember that clown I

dated?

You'll have to be more specific.

The actual clown.

The one who went to clown college.

You dated a Yale man?

Anyway, the circus is at the garden this

week, and Steve promised that...

Who's Steve?

Fine.

Beppo.

Anyway, he said that I could bring Jake

early so he could ride one of the

elephants.

Does Jake want to ride an elephant?

Weren't you listening?

It was on his list.

List?

What, you mean that thing that his teacher

sent him?

So what?

So, I think he'd feel better about himself

if he'd accomplished one of those things.

That was just a stupid list that an

11-year-old made up.

I disagree.

I think that list is symbolic of all

the things Jake feels bad about not having

done.

Rhett, leave the man alone, you know?

He doesn't need your pity.

It's not pity.

I'm doing something you might not be familiar

with, being a good friend.

Yeah, well, you should be doing something you're

not familiar with, minding your own business.

Beppo.

Beppo.

Isn't that the guy who dated with the

big shoes and wore the white makeup?

Actually, no.

Hi, Reggie.

Oh, Jake, don't take off your coat.

I'm taking you to do something you've wanted

to do for a very long time.

Yet I leave my coat on.

Interesting.

Just go.

I'll explain on the way.

Hey, Becker, do me a favor and close

up for me, will you?

Beppo.

Beppo.

Wasn't he the bald guy with the big

red nose and the little tiny car?

You want to know what's sad, Bob?

Wasn't him either.

Margaret, is it too much to ask to

keep a pen or a pencil in the

exam room so I have something to write

with?

Like this?

Yeah, well, that isn't in the exam room,

is it?

Oh, hey, Mr. Levin.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I feel terrific.

I just wanted to come in and say

how grateful I am.

Oh, I'm glad we could do something.

Linda, this is for you.

It's not much, just a watch.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Ooh, but I'm really happy you did.

This is beautiful.

Boy, that looks expensive.

Now, there's no way to put a price

on what Linda did for me.

Thanks to you, I can live a long,

full life.

Well, you know, if you watch your cholesterol.

Huh?

Yeah, whatever.

Well, thank you again, Linda.

You're both grateful, I got it.

Gee, who thought there'd be an upside to

helping people?

Did you see that?

You never gave me anything.

I've been working to save that butterball's life

for years.

Oh, I'm glad you're still here.

Uh, we had a little accident, and I

think Jake hurt his knee.

Ooh, smells like he had an accident.

I fell an elephant crack.

Where?

At a bowling alley.

We were at the circus.

Oh, yes, right, the circus, where you took

Jake to make his life better.

Right.

Check his knee out.

Will you get an x-ray, please?

Oh, sure.

Soon as I hose him off.

What the hell happened?

Well, the elephant leaned down, you know how

they do, and we put Jake on his

head, and things were going great.

And then?

And then the elephant stood up, and Jake

kind of flew off its back.

Right.

And what have we learned, Rich?

Well, a couple things.

Um, one is to always make sure that

the harness is buckled.

And two, that even though he was covered

in elephant dung, Jake still wasn't the worst

-smelling guy on the subway.

That's very funny.

That's very...

You know what I'm talking about.

I mean, you think you're doing something good

for him, but you're not, Rich.

Oh, but if he could have just seen

his face for that split second he was

up there...

You know, leave the man alone.

Rebecca, my heart was in the right place.

You know, I'll do better next time.

What are you...

Next time?

You're right.

You're right.

I'll leave him alone.

I promise.

Aah!

Oh!

It's cold!

It's windy!

It's Mount Everest!

Get me down!

Get me...

Get me...

Rock climbing?

What were you thinking?

But if he could have just seen his

face for that split second he was up

there...

Up where?

Mount Everest?

It was a plastic rock in a warehouse.

Look, I was just...

Yeah, you promised her you would leave him

alone.

I was just trying to make him happy.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, well, he certainly seems happy, doesn't he,

Rebecca?

Taking a blind man rock climbing, what were

you thinking?

But if he could have just seen his

face for that split second...

Oh, forget it.

John, I taped his shoulder like you asked.

Oh, thank you.

Now, if you really want to be happy,

take two of these every four hours.

Come on, Jake.

Yeah, see you later, buddy.

Unless Wile E.

Coyote there straps you to a rocket and

shoots you off into space.

Well, excuse me for caring.

Ow!

Oh.

Sorry, Jake.

And then, just as Mr. Levin was turning

all these colors and gasping what could have

been his last breath, I said to him,

don't go into the light!

Because he almost hit that lamp over there.

Linda, have all these patients been checked in?

Oh, they're not patients.

We were on the bus together.

They wanted to hear the end of my

story.

Oh, well, it's time to get back to

work.

Go on, get out of here.

Go ahead.

Linda, can you get me Ms. Rivera's chart

and put it in room one?

Do you really think I should still be

doing that kind of thing?

I mean, don't you think I've moved on

from the menial paperwork of medicine to the

more important part, saving lives?

Margaret, how are you at saving lives?

Because I swear to God...

John, Dr. Beckner, in our profession, what do

you think is the most rewarding?

Ripping someone from the jaws of death?

Or is it the gifts?

Did you see my watch?

Linda, you forgot her chart.

Oh, thanks, Margaret.

You're a lifesaver.

Oh, wait a minute, that's me.

I don't know how much more I can

take of this.

Oh, so now you're angry because she finally

took an interest in medicine?

Yes, that's my job.

Oh, come on, John.

Leave her alone.

After all, she did save someone's life.

Do you know how many lives I've saved?

I'm still wearing the same crappy watch I

got for subscribing to Newsweek.

I am that close to killing Linda just

for that watch.

Oh, don't be silly.

Besides, it's a lady's watch.

Yeah, well, so is this one.

...but that list of your...

Reg, you almost killed me twice.

Whatever it is, no.

Just hear me out.

Remember how you said you wanted to be

an astronaut?

Reg, Reg, would you please stop helping me?

I'm running out of pain pills.

Hello, all.

Jake Malinak, right outside is a woman from

your past.

And relax, she's not pregnant.

What?

Forget it, Bob.

Jake's not interested.

What do you mean, Jake's not interested?

I went through a lot of trouble.

You went through a lot of trouble to

do what?

Well, Jake, I asked Bob to find Mara

Jenkins, you know, the girl you wanted to

kiss in sixth grade?

Mara Jenkins is here?

Yo, Mara, bring that in here.

Hi, Jake.

Mara?

Wow, I can't believe it.

It is so good to see you.

You look great.

Well, you sound like you look great.

So, how have you been?

Good, really good.

So, uh, Bob tells me that wanting to

kiss me was on your list.

You know, that was, like, a really long

time.

Oh, no, no.

I think that is the sweetest thing I

have ever heard.

Really?

Really.

Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

That was nice.

My pleasure.

It was really good seeing you again, Jake.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, you were

on my list, too.

Boy, that was some kiss.

Made the hair on the back of your

head lay down.

I can't tell you how good it makes

me feel to have finally helped you cross

something off your list.

That was nice.

Too bad it wasn't Mara Jenkins.

What?

There was no way I was on her

list.

She wasn't even in my class.

She lived across town and went to another

school.

Bob.

All right, all right, I couldn't find Mara

Jenkins.

But you said...

All right, I didn't even look.

Then who was that?

Paid her 20 bucks to kiss Jake in

the diner.

For 50, she would have kissed him anywhere

he wanted.

I'm happy.

You brought a prostitute in here?

No, she's a brain surgeon who kisses men

for money.

You know, I think she was a surgeon.

She almost removed my tonsils.

Linda, did you call the pharmacy about Mr.

Nichols' prescription?

Linda?

I'm sorry, Margaret.

I'm so absorbed in this book, I didn't

hear you.

You're absorbed in the elements of clinical toxicology?

Yeah.

It's all about drugs.

It's amazing how much I already knew.

Mr. Lewis, this antibiotic should clear up that

infection.

You can get back to running in no

time.

Running away from his wife.

She never finds out how he got that

infection.

Doctor.

I didn't want to say anything in front

of the patient, but did you consider that

his infection might be viral and not bacterial?

Margaret.

No, John.

I mean, it's an easy mistake to make.

Even I could be fooled.

Margaret, please.

No, John.

I don't know why you keep asking her.

After all, she's just a nurse.

Ooh, boy, now you're in trouble.

Just a nurse?

For you to know anywhere near the amount

of medicine I do, it would take the

rest of your natural life, which may be

a lot shorter than you think.

Between the two of us, we have more

than 40 years' experience.

Do you know how many lives we've saved?

Every person who walks through that door gets

a level of medical expertise you can't even

dream of.

In fact, there are dead bugs in that

light fixture that know more about medicine than

you do, and they need to be cleaned

out, so get to it.

You know, Margaret, the New England Journal of

Medicine says, and I think my colleague here

would concur, people with violent tempers are at

serious risk for heart attack and strokes.

John.

Well, actually, she's right.

You know, Rez, this is really great ice

cream.

You like that, huh?

Mm-hmm.

You know what kind it is?

Mint chocolate chip.

Not just mint chocolate chip.

O'Malley's.

Remember O'Malley's.

It was on your list.

Oh, for God's sake.

All you have to do is eat an

entire gallon, and you'll finally have done something

with your life.

I need a reality check here.

She's nuts, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You got to leave this alone.

Come on, Jake.

It's easy.

I can't tell you how many Saturday nights

I've eaten a gallon of ice cream and

with an Oreo instead of a spoon.

Why do you care?

Forget about it.

Come on, Jake.

How many times have we sat in here

and made great plans and then just said,

ah, forget about it?

Come on, just do this one thing on

your list.

Why don't you make your own list?

Well, I was going to, but then I

said, ah, forget about it.

You know, when he was a failure, he

was happy.

Now look what you've done to him.

You know, for the last time, Reg, leave

the man alone.

Jake, the next voice you hear will be

a voice from your past, and relax, he's

not pregnant.

He?

There was a guy down the block asking

everybody if they knew you, so I brought

him in.

Jake?

Who's there?

Jimmy Vernon.

Jimmy Vernon?

Jimmy?

Hey, everybody, this is Jimmy Vernon.

We sat next to each other in sixth

grade.

Hey, remember how we used to sneak cigarettes

outside the gym?

Remember that?

Yeah, remember how you used to always cheat

off of my papers?

Well, until you squealed on me.

That's right, we kind of lost touch after

that, huh?

Well, you know, I had to repeat the

sixth grade.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh!

That was on my list.

Oh, my God, are you all right, Jake?

No.

What kind of idiot hits a blind man?

Come on, Becky, a little squeal, I kind

of had it coming.

Oh, man, this hurts.

Maybe some ice cream will make you feel

better.

All right, you know what?

Get away from me and stay away from

me, all of you.

My life is what it is.

I can do nothing about it.

Come on, Jake, don't be depressed.

I mean, all you really needed was a

different list.

Think about it.

I mean, if your dream was to be

dumped in elephant crap, slammed against the wall,

hunched in the gut, and kissed by a

man, you'd be happy now.

A man?

I kissed a man?

Why do you think it only cost me

20 bucks?

A man?

A man?

A man?

A man?

A man?

A man?

A man?

A man?