Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Right here, Jake.

Rich?

Right here, Jake.

Why are we yelling?

Uh, well, last night Amanda dragged me to

some club to see a metal band.

She insisted we sit up front right next

to the speakers.

When I woke up this morning, I couldn't

hear.

You should have Becker check you out.

So I had John check me out, and,

uh...

He said I should get my hearing back

in a couple of days.

Well, at least you'll be better soon.

Noon?

I said a couple of days.

Do you have a hearing problem?

Yes, unfortunately, mine's working fine.

Hey, Rich.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, Jake.

I said, hey, Jake.

Yeah, well, screw you two.

Bob, Jake can't hear.

No, you mean Jake can't see.

No, Amanda took him to a concert and

he lost his hearing.

You're kidding.

He can't hear.

He can't see.

He's about as useful as a paperweight.

Yet still more useful than you.

You know what I hate?

People come to the door and bully me

into buying a bunch of crap I don't

want.

This morning, it was some pushy little girl

in a green uniform.

I had to spend, like, 35 bucks on

cookies just to get her to leave.

Yeah, good luck cashing that check.

Hi, John.

How'd you know it was Becker?

I felt a blast of hot air on

the back of my neck.

What are you doing?

Putting a black six on a red seven.

Turn that off, or I'm gonna put a

black five on your red head.

You know, if you're gonna keep wearing women's

shoes, you may want to lay off the

stilettos.

You don't want to look trampy.

You know what?

Get off my back.

Ooh, all right, all right.

I mean, after all, you're a big guy.

You're almost as tall as I am.

Well, in heels.

Oh, yeah, great.

Look who decides to show up.

Where were you yesterday?

You know, I had to use tap water

in my oatmeal this morning.

How do you find the courage to go

on?

You know, some just show up when you're

supposed to, for crying out loud.

Wow, is he ever happy?

He was happy the day he got that

tie he's wearing.

A patient left it here and never came

back.

And by that, I mean he died.

It was kind of bittersweet, because he wasn't

happy that the guy died, but he really

liked that tie.

So how's the water business?

Good, as long as people believe there's really

a mountain spring in Passaic, New Jersey.

Hey, Linda, I was thinking, would you like

to have dinner with me sometime?

Sure, that'd be great.

How about tonight?

I'll pick you up here at 6?

Perfect.

Okay, see you then.

See you then.

Linda, I think that's very sweet of you.

It's nice that you don't mind that he's,

well, you know.

What?

Well, you know.

What, that he's a water delivery man?

No, no, no, no.

I wasn't talking about what he does.

Well, then what?

You don't like the way he dresses, what

he drives?

You're getting at something, Margaret.

What is it?

Never mind.

Go out with Ronaldo.

Have a wonderful time.

Oh, this is fantastic.

John!

John, look!

You're being published in the New York Medical

Review.

What?

They liked your piece on atypical mycobacterial pneumonia.

Congratulations!

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

Hey, you know, now those smartasses back at

Harvard are going to see that I'm not

just some yokel, that I'm a respected member

of the medical community, you know?

I deserve to be taken seriously.

Oh, look at that.

Darn it.

You know what I paid for this tie?

Yes, I do.

Poor Jake, huh?

Thirsty, blind, now he can't hear.

Breaks my heart.

Your compassion might be more convincing if you'd

stop stealing his lunch.

Diner.

Oh, hi, Amanda.

Yeah, hold on.

Jake, it's Amanda on the phone.

What?

I'm sorry.

On the phone, it's Amanda.

A panda?

On the phone, Amanda!

Would have been cool if it was a

panda, huh?

Amanda, huh?

You know what?

It's her fault I lost my hearing.

You can tell her to go to hell.

You know what?

I think Jake needs a little...

Oh, you heard that.

Okay.

Tell him what?

I...

You know, I don't really want to scream

those words across my diner.

I'm not taking a tone.

It's just that I'm running a business.

It is too a business.

What a bitch.

Rich?

Amanda?

Not really.

Hey, guys.

I suppose you're gonna find out sooner or

later, so I might as well tell you

now.

I'm being published in the New York Medical

Review.

How would we ever find that out?

Congratulations, Becker.

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

You know, it's kind of special, because it

doesn't have to...

Oh, my God!

There's an article in People Magazine about a

cat that can water ski.

What?

I read about that cat.

He's unbelievable.

Look, you know, as fascinating as that is,

my piece happens to be a study on

atypical mycobacterial pneumonia.

Yeah, but this cat can ski.

Hey, did you know cats hate water?

Not all cats.

There's one in People Magazine that water skis.

She kind of loved a little dog driving

the boat.

Oh, no, no, forget it.

Coffee, please.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, John.

How you doing?

Well, I'm being published in the New York

Medical Journal, but all anyone ever wants to

talk about is some water-skiing cat.

That's amazing.

I know.

How small are the skis?

You guys know Linda from over at Becker's

office, right?

Do you know if she likes to go

dancing?

Linda?

Yeah, I think so.

Look, if you're thinking about asking Linda out,

don't waste your time.

I already did, and she said yes.

You got a problem with that there, sporto?

As a matter of fact, I do.

She wouldn't go out with me.

Get this.

She said I was too short.

Well, maybe you're just not short enough.

Don't feel too badly.

A lot of guys are jealous of me.

Please.

What do you have that I don't have?

Well, for starters, a date with Linda.

Morning, Margaret.

Hi, Linda.

Oh, how was your date with Arnaldo?

Uh, he's a really nice guy, but we

just didn't click.

Is that because he's, well, you know.

What?

A water delivery man?

What do you have against those people anyways?

I mean, I notice you drink the water

he brings, so don't be such a hypocrite.

I've, uh, I've written this down for you

because it's...

Well, it's really, really important.

It's called the, uh, New York Medical Review.

Now, you can find that in any college

library.

Nice kid.

John?

Yeah?

Package arrived for you.

I think it's your article.

Oh, yeah?

Congratulations, John.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, Margaret.

You know, I'm thinking of having this framed

and put it up in the waiting room

here.

You know, give the patients a little extra

feeling of confidence.

You know, they can look and see that

I'm...

hideous.

What?

This-this picture next to my name, it's

not me.

It's-it's of some big, fat, hideous-looking

person.

Oh, John, relax.

Nobody likes looking at pictures of themselves.

Ooh, especially that guy.

Yeah, well, finally, this is a Dr. John

Becker.

I wrote a piece in your latest issue.

Now, Becker.

Becker.

The ugly bald guy on page 36.

Yes.

Yes, I'll hold.

Was this picture taken before I started working

here?

Because you look a lot better now.

Oh, yeah, Linda, I magically got smaller ears,

grew hair on my head, and lost 70

pounds.

Told you he had work done.

Oh, yeah, by the way, if Arnaldo calls,

I'm not here.

Chances are I won't be here anyways, but

even if I am, I'm not.

Why don't you just tell him you don't

want to see him again?

This is much more humane.

It's humane to ignore the poor guy's calls?

I meant more humane for me.

Have him call me, please.

Damn it, Margaret, you know, 30 years studying

medicine, two years researching that article, and for

what?

I look like some kind of freak.

Oh, John, why don't you just look at

the bigger picture?

There's a bigger picture?

John, you're letting your ego get the best

of you.

Your article is gonna help a lot of

people.

Yeah, and they're all gonna think that I

only have one eyebrow.

Look at that.

Well, at least it'll only be seen in

New York.

Margaret, it's a national journal.

I'll be ridiculed everywhere, from here to California.

Ooh, speaking of California, did you read about

that water-skiing cat?

I hate that cat.

Coffee, Reg?

Oh, Becker, I am so sorry.

Don't apologize.

Just learn how to make better coffee.

You know what I'm talking about?

When you came in the other day to

show us that article, we should have been

more interested.

Oh, no, you know, that's all right.

Articles come and go.

Yeah, they do.

But a picture like this lives on forever.

Where did you get that?

Linda brought it over.

Let me see that.

No, no, don't, don't, please.

Boy, if ever there was a time to

read it and weep.

They made a mistake down at the review.

Obviously, that's not me.

Well, not so bad, Becker.

I mean, just think of all the lonely,

single women who'd be looking for a lonely,

single doctor.

It doesn't say I'm single.

It certainly doesn't say you're dating.

Diner.

Oh, Amanda.

Yes, this time I am taking a tone.

And here's another one.

Why would you get that?

I can't deal with her today.

Oh.

Diner.

Oh, hey, Amanda.

What can I do for you?

Jake, Amanda wants to make up.

Tell her to prove it.

She wants you to prove it.

Hold on.

She wants to make you dinner.

Not interested.

Sorry, my pet.

You're going to have to do better.

A romantic dinner?

Exactly how romantic were you thinking?

You're right, you're right.

This is not something you should be telling

me.

I'll put Jake on the phone.

Hey, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I got it, baby.

What did she say?

Lucky bastard.

Pass or mustard?

Just go home!

Guys, a house plan.

He's getting more action than me.

I updated my patient notes, and I finished

the HMO forms.

I'll put a smiley face next to your

name.

It'll still look more like me than that

picture did.

Has anyone called from the magazine?

No, but you did get some calls about

the article.

Someone named Elaine called, the girl you broke

up with in college.

Her message is, and I quote, So, who's

fat and ugly now?

And your friend Dr. Kagan called.

His message is still on the machine.

That's a not-looking phone.

Hey, handsome.

You know, that's it.

I've had it.

I'm going out of that magazine, and I'm

going to get some satisfaction or this could

turn out too late.

So, how many times has Arnaldo called?

None.

Really?

Well, he thinks a lot of himself, doesn't

he?

Why do you care?

I thought you didn't want to see him

again.

I don't, but I want him to call

me.

All right, very slowly now.

If you don't want to go out with

him, why do you want him to call?

Because you always want a guy to call

you after a date.

Doctor's office.

Oh, yes.

Hi, Arnaldo.

Yes, of course.

She's not here right now.

Oh, okay.

I'll tell her.

He wants you to meet him at Reggie's

Friday morning at 8.

Yes, he likes me.

Now I have to dump him.

Well, what's the difference?

You're not interested in him.

Margaret, Margaret, Margaret.

If you'd ever turned down a man instead

of marrying the first one who offered you

a seat on the subway, you'd understand.

I hate it when she's right.

Excuse me.

Yes, hello.

Can I help you?

Well, I hope so.

My name is Dr. John Becker.

I had an article in this week's journal.

Oh, right.

Atypical mycobacterial pneumonia.

That was fascinating.

Yeah, well, thank you.

My problem is that the picture with the

article is not of me.

Wow.

I can see why you're so upset.

This picture is hideous.

Well, finally.

Yes, somebody understands me.

Absolutely.

Please have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

Well, there must be something we can do.

How about we print some kind of retraction?

Oh, well, that'd be great.

You know, that's not good enough.

Why don't we reprint the article along with

your real picture?

You could do that?

Sure.

And, you know, why don't I bring in

a professional photographer to do a little photo

spread, you know?

The real John Becker.

At work, at play.

You know, at work would be fine.

Thank you so much.

I can't tell you how great it is

that you could help me.

Of course I can.

But I won't.

Excuse me?

You don't remember me, do you?

No.

The name's Wally Leininger.

And I put in that picture as revenge.

Oh, God, I hate when this happens.

It was Harvard, October 1970.

I remember.

There was a brisk chill in the air

when I walked across the yard to take

my medical school admissions test.

I was wearing my green sweater, my lucky

green sweater.

Or so I thought.

Oh, look, you know, if I did something

to your sweater, I'm sorry.

That's no reason...

I studied my ass off of that exam.

Everyone expected me to ace it, go on

to Harvard Med School and become a doctor.

That's not what happened?

No, that's not what happened.

You want to know why?

Because you sat next to me at the

exam.

Question one.

Hypothalamus.

I knew it cold.

I was just reading the next question when

you leaned over to borrow a number two

pencil.

That's what this is about?

You broke my concentration.

You made me skip a row on the

answer sheet so that when I got to

the end of the test, I'd run out

of little circles.

Oh.

Yes.

Oh.

Every single answer was one number off.

All because you forgot to bring your damn

pencil.

Couldn't you have just taken the test again?

Well, gee, why didn't I think of that?

They didn't give it again for six months.

You know what happened to me in that

time?

My scholarship ran out.

I was working three jobs at once.

My wife left me.

I started drinking.

I had a nervous breakdown.

And then the bad stuff started happening.

Look, I'm sorry if you think that this

is my fault.

It is your fault.

Because of you, I never got to go

to medical school.

The best I could do was get a

job here as a lousy junior editor.

You're living the life I should have had,

Mr. Big Fancy Doctor.

Big Fancy Doctor?

What the hell are you talking about?

I live in the Bronx, alone.

I've been divorced twice.

I have a crappy office.

My patients can barely afford to pay me.

My car is held together with duct tape.

Duct tape!

The only thing I got going for me

in this life is that I don't look

like this guy.

Really?

You're a loser?

Huge!

You're not just saying that.

Oh, come on, why would I?

I mean, look at me.

Yeah, I guess that ring coat doesn't exactly

scream success.

This is not even waterproof.

I mean, come on.

Out of the goodness of your heart, couldn't

you just reprint the article with my real

picture, please?

Oh, all I really wanted to do was

humiliate you.

Oh, and you did.

You did.

The few friends I had, they made ass

fun of me.

Really?

Yeah, it was horrible.

Pencil.

Pretty good, yeah.

Well, okay, I'll reprint the article.

I'll use your real picture.

Oh, thank you.

But you gotta sign this release paper.

Oh, sure.

Can I borrow a pencil?

Yeah, sure.

Yes!

Hi, Ronaldo.

Hi, Linda.

Thanks for meeting me here.

Look, I really like you, and I think

that you're...

Linda, please, don't.

It only makes what I have to say

that much harder.

You're very nice, but I don't think we

should go out again.

What?

I'm sorry, but you're just not my type.

We don't share any interest.

I mean, there was no chemistry.

But I thought we had something.

We really didn't.

You used me.

For what?

Nothing happened.

Well, you don't know me.

It could've.

Sorry, Linda.

Goodbye.

Wait, Arnaldo, we can work this out.

Just give me another chance.

Well, don't wait too long.

The medical waste guy thinks I'm very cute.

Hey, Jake.

Oh, hey, Reggie.

You don't have to shout.

I got my hearing back.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

It feels great.

And, you know, best of all, Amanda and

I made up.

I mean, she actually apologized.

She made me dinner and she bought me

some new clothes.

I think she may still be mad at

you.

Oh, come on.

Why would you say that?

Just a hunch.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, boy, nice outfit, pal.

Hey.

Here it is, huh?

The new issue of the New York Medical

Review with a photograph of yours truly.

Wow.

How'd you manage that?

Well, I just went down there and demanded

a reprint.

They don't do that for just anybody.

You know, you gotta be a respected member

of the medical community.

You gotta be an important person, you know?

You gotta be...

Dr. John Pecker?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.