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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) having breakfast staring out the window.

So?

So, they've been here for hours.

I'm thinking they're here to rob the place.

Of what?

Hey, for all you know, there could be

a lot of valuable stuff in here that

you can't see.

Is there?

Don't leave me alone.

Mm-hmm.

Hello, officers.

Sup?

What are the cops doing here?

How do you know they're cops?

Cheap shoes, cheap suits, and one of them's

got a .38 in his sock.

Oh, my God, I hope they're cops.

Excuse me.

Um, are you two gentlemen police officers?

As a matter of fact, we are.

See?

What'd I tell you?

Oh, I can't tell you how relieved I

am to hear that.

You know, because I was starting to freak

out.

No one ever stays in here this long.

Actually, we're on a stakeout.

We're here to watch the guy who works

across the street.

Oh, thank God, because I thought you might

be here to rob the place.

Of what?

Oh, you're so funny.

If more people knew how funny you cops

were, they wouldn't be so afraid of you.

Not that people are afraid of you.

It's just that when you hear the word

cop, you start to think, oh, my God,

what have I done?

Not that I've done anything.

It's just that...

Ma'am.

I'll go now.

You know, I always wanted to be a

cop.

The heroism, the helping people, the respect.

Then I found out what you guys get

paid.

Like I'm gonna put my life on the

line for 30 grand a year.

You're doing it now for free.

Put that broken meter out front where I

always park.

Uh, John, I don't think you want to...

Interrupt me?

No, you don't.

Damn city decided to fix it.

You know, I wish the stupid cops would

harass actual criminals instead of innocent people who

park illegally.

You know, I'm gonna smash that...

Uh, Becker.

Hey, I'm talking here, Bob.

You still have that baseball bat behind the

counter.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I probably shouldn't do that again.

All right, just give me a paper bag,

please.

Uh, Becker, I...

No, no, no, no, Rich.

Let the man finish.

Yeah, let the man finish.

Thank you.

Just give me a paper bag, will you,

so I can write out of order and

stick it on the meter.

Thank you.

All right, now, what is it you wanted

to tell me?

Those two guys are cops.

Oh, boy.

I tell you, without my medication, I have

no idea what I'm saying.

What I meant was, do you have...

Do you have change for the meter?

Oh, thanks a lot.

Great friends.

I'm a doctor.

I'll be fine.

Uh, you know, Linda, I don't ask you

to do a lot around here.

I don't think I don't appreciate it.

Well, what I do ask is that we

always have a fresh pot of coffee.

You know, and you promised me you'd take

care of that.

When you make a promise, you should live

up to it.

I am so glad to hear you say

that.

Yeah, thank you.

Because you promised me that you'd decide what

you're gonna do for this month's community service.

Oh, God.

Oh, come on, John.

You're the one who says it's important that

we help out in the neighborhood.

I say a lot of things, Margaret.

Don't I know it.

Now, you have to pick something.

Blood mobile at the mall, lice check at

the kindergarten, prostate screening at the senior center.

Oh, great, yeah.

Blood, bugs, and butts.

What a choice.

Uh, how about this?

Nutrition lecture for school kids.

Uh, I don't know about that.

Oh, come on.

It's not like you're gonna have to actually

watch them eat.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll do that.

Yeah, I'll go talk to the little nosediggers

about, uh, the food pyramid.

You can't just talk to them.

You gotta spice it up a little.

You know, posters, props, visual aids.

Yeah, good idea.

You'll be in charge of that.

And you're coming with me.

What?

Yeah, I bet you're wishing you made the

coffee now, aren't you, huh?

It's a good thing you picked the school,

because the only thing left was to go

to the prison and teach CPR again.

Well, I-I'd do that, but I never

got the doll back.

You know, seeing you two guys in here

has made Bob think about a career move.

Maybe you can help me out.

So you want help getting into the police

academy?

No, I want to be a snitch.

I'm telling you, now that's the job Bob

was born to do.

I'm on the streets.

I hear things.

I can come and go without being seen.

I'm like a super fish.

In fact, that could be my code name.

Or you could call him Cockroach.

That's what we call him.

You see?

That's how good I am.

I knew that.

Sir, you're annoying my partner.

How can you tell?

I think it would be better if you

just left.

You know, if you want to do something

to him, I promise, I'll look the other

way.

Look, may I ask one more question?

No!

All right, we'll talk later.

I'm sorry about Bob.

Some people don't respect personal space.

Yeah, well, what do you...

You know, the last time we spoke, I

think I might have seemed jumpy, nervous, ill

at ease.

And to suspicious people like you, I might

have looked like I was guilty of something.

Believe me, I'm not guilty of anything.

I don't care what anyone says.

Your partner's staring at me, isn't he?

Yeah.

You better go.

Okay, we'll talk later.

You'll have to excuse her.

Sometimes she's a little slow on the uptake.

How you doing, Jake?

Hey, Lenny!

How are things down at the factory?

You know, buzzing my hump till they give

me the gold watch.

Oh, I hear you, I hear you.

Let me get some Rolaids.

Okay.

Also psyched it up.

And I'll take a Playboy, a Penthouse, and

a Hustler.

Oh, what is this, self-service?

Where's Reg?

I'm starved.

Oh, Lenny, this is a doctor I was

talking to you about.

Maybe you can look at your ulcer.

Hey, listen, maybe another time.

If I get home late, my wife will

rip me a new one.

Dr. Becker, are you ready?

No, my assistant isn't here yet with the

visual aids.

If we could just wait a minute.

Oh, I don't think so.

Don't get me wrong.

I love kids, but if I don't have

a cigarette every hour, I love them a

lot less.

Class, we have a treat today.

Dr. Becker is here to talk to us

about nutrition.

So I expect you all to behave.

I have a very important faculty meeting.

Uh, well, I'm, uh...

I'm Dr. Becker.

So, nutrition.

Well, we all know that the body converts

food into energy, right?

You-you all do know what energy is,

don't you?

No, all right.

Um, well, uh, think of the body as

a car.

That looks like a house with eyes.

No, it's a-a car.

And-and food is the fuel that makes

it go.

You know, like, uh, fruits and-and vegetables.

My dad says our neighbor's a fruit.

My mom says my grandma's a vegetable.

Well, that's not very nice.

Uh, where was I?

Oh, right.

Um, right, so we want the best fuel

in our car, so we're not gonna put

potato chips in it, are we?

There's a potato chip car?

No, no, no, that-that's-that's just a

metaphor.

What's a metaphor?

A metaphor is what you say when you

don't want to say the real thing.

Why don't you want to say the real

thing?

Because this makes it easier to understand.

I don't understand.

We don't have a potato chip car.

We have a Mazda.

But there are potato chips in the backseat.

Yeah, good-good for you, kid.

Oh, thank God, where the hell have you...

I mean, hello, Linda.

Where have you been?

Sorry, I took an unexpected nap.

I think I used the wrong kind of

glue for the board.

Who's she?

Oh, uh, well, this is my assistant, Linda.

Are you gonna saw her in half?

No, no, different-different kind of assistant.

Excuse me.

Yes?

What are the carrots and the donuts for?

Ah, good question.

What are the carrots and donuts for?

It's to show the difference between healthy and

unhealthy snacks.

Right, right, right.

So, uh, when you kids come home from

school, you want to eat this and not

this.

I have a question.

Linda, do you want to take this?

Yes, what is your question?

I forgot.

Why are you eating the donut if the

carrot's healthier?

I got this one.

Good question.

When you're growing and working your way up

the pyramid, it's important to watch what you

eat.

But when you're older and careening down the

other side, you can be a little more

relaxed about the snacks.

Dr. Becker?

Yes?

What's sex?

No, we're not, we're not talking about that,

you know.

We're talking about, uh...

What's intercourse?

Intercourse?

No, all right, well, yeah, I know, I

can do that.

All right, you know, sometimes between a salad

and your entree, you want something else, like

soup.

Get it?

You know, intercourse between...

When do people start having sex?

Usually not before the third date.

Linda.

My sister said you can't get pregnant the

first time you have sex.

Yeah, well, your sister's an idiot.

That's what my dad says.

My brother says it's okay to have sex

if you have a balloon.

It's not called a balloon, it's a...

Can't we just please talk about nutrition?

When two people do it, what do they

do?

I heard if you kiss a boy, you

get a baby.

No, that's not really true.

I heard that if you have sex and

you're not married, you go to hell.

Where are you kids getting this stuff?

You know, you don't go to hell if

you have sex.

It's not a balloon, it's called a condom,

all right?

You're not gonna get a baby just from

kissing, but you can get one the first

time you have sex.

So, yes?

Do oranges have more vitamin C than other

fruits?

Yeah, we're talking about sex now, get on

board.

Who else?

♪ What

did you do?

I don't know.

John, the phone's been ringing off the hook.

What possessed you to give a sex talk

to a group of little kids?

Hey, you know, there's a lot of stuff

they didn't know.

Of course they didn't know it, they're eight

years old.

They still have left and right written on

their shoes.

Since when are you against sex education?

I'm not against it.

I just think you should have gotten the

parents' permission.

Hey, you know, those kids ambushed me.

They made me tell them that stuff.

Oh, did they take your lunch money, too?

John, you went to that school to talk

about condiments, and those kids went home asking

about condoms.

What more was there to ask?

I told them everything.

If you didn't want this to happen, you

shouldn't have sent me over there.

Uh-uh, don't you blame this on me.

I am not the one who gave a

sex talk to kids using a carrot and

a donut.

Hey, this was not my fault.

You know, she brought that stuff, not me.

Hey, if I didn't know what the topic

was gonna be, I would have brought different

props.

Well, the principal is very upset.

Oh, now I'm in trouble with the principal.

Yeah, does he have detention in her office?

You both do.

The parents want to talk to you today

after school.

Oh, come on, that's not fair.

Look, you know, I'm not feeling that good.

Can't you write a note and get me

out of it?

Oh, sure.

To whom it may concern, John Becker is

an idiot.

He never thinks before he speaks.

Yeah, that's good.

Type that up and send that over.

So, uh, officers...

Well, it's come to my attention that I

may have sold some questionable magazines to an

underage kid.

Now, obviously, there's no way I could have

known that, and I swear I won't do

it again.

Although he was a really good customer.

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say

is that, uh, well, you guys are doing

a really great job, and here are a

couple of candy bars on the house.

That's all right, sir.

It was an honest mistake.

There is a lotto ticket on the bottom

of this candy bar.

Is this a bribe?

Well, if you don't want it to be

a bribe, then it isn't.

Although if you would like it to be

a bribe and it's not good enough, well,

you know, maybe I could do a little

bit better.

The first one.

Okay, so I guess you want me to...

Go away.

Okay.

So, okay, you win.

You broke me.

Let's end this little chess game.

Here it is.

One tube of vixen red lipstick I stole

from Woolworth's when I was 12 years old.

I felt so guilty, I put it in

a drawer, and I haven't taken it out

since.

But if it makes you happy, you can

have it.

Ma'am, it's not...

I know it's not my shade, but my

hair was lighter then.

Okay, I've been out on the street, and

I think I got some information you're gonna

want.

There's a guy a couple blocks over selling

pirate videos.

What do you give me for that?

Nothing.

You do understand that these are not videos

of pirates?

This guy's selling fake...

We already know about him.

Okay, what if I told you I knew

a guy who was selling knock-off handbags

on the corner?

I'd tell you to get one for my

wife.

Come on, all I got left is a

couple of jaywalkers, a woman who didn't clean

up after her dog, and a guy who's

reproducing Major League Baseball games without the express

written consent of Major League Baseball.

Would you shut up?

Well, now you've done it.

I've had it with you freaks.

We're cops.

We're not your shrinks.

We're not your judges.

We're not your priests.

In fact, I...

Excuse me, excuse me.

I'm talking here.

We don't give a rat's ass about your

miserable lives.

In fact, I've got a good mind to

arrest all of you.

You for selling porn to a minor.

You for committing the lamest crime that I

ever heard of.

And you, well, I don't know that you

did anything wrong, but it seems to me

that getting you off the streets would be

a public service.

Excuse me, can I just...

I said shut up.

By the way, I know who you are.

My nephew was in that class.

And until yesterday, he didn't even know that

he had a penis.

You through?

Yes, what?

There's a tattooed guy with scraggly hair out

there loading TVs into the back of a

truck.

That's our guy!

Why didn't you say something?

I think we all learned something very important

here.

Nothing good ever comes from telling me to

shut up.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, this is

Dr. John Becker.

He's the one you're angry with.

He's the one responsible for all your problems.

Thank you for the lovely introduction.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not staying?

I'd love to, but I have a very

important faculty meeting.

Okay, uh, I'm Dr. Becker.

This is Linda, my assistant.

What seems to be the problem?

Your filthy mouth.

Hey, you know something?

What the hell gave you the right to

talk to our kids about sex?

Yeah, I don't want my kid hearing about

sex before he's ready.

Based on a question your kid asked, believe

me, he's ready.

Did you really tell my kid that sex

is pleasurable?

Isn't it?

Not really.

My wife.

My brother-in-law is a lawyer, and

he says I can sue you, pal.

For what?

Saying the word penis?

You are not helping yourself, mister.

Why did you have to use the real

words?

Now my daughter won't stop talking about the

man's...

you know, wiener, and the woman's...

cookie.

Are you for real?

How is your kid gonna learn anything if

you can't even talk about it?

You're too young to learn anything.

We're the ones to teach our kids about

sex.

Hey, do you have any kids?

No, I don't.

Then you have no right to say anything.

We'll talk to our daughter about sex when

we're good and ready.

Yeah, and when is that gonna be?

When she's, like, 15, and she's coming to

tell you she's pregnant?

You can't talk to me like that.

You know what pisses me off about you

people?

I don't think you even listen to your

kids.

I could not believe the words coming out

of their mouth, but I couldn't ignore it.

You want to pretend this isn't happening?

You want to remain ignorant?

You cannot talk to us like that.

Don't get mad at me for doing your

jobs.

You're not a professional.

Can I say something?

Look, I work for Dr. Becker, and I

can tell you, he's cranky, he's short-tempered,

and, frankly, I don't think he even likes

kids that much.

What did you do to my children?

I was here yesterday, and he did not

bring up the topic of sex, the kids

did.

But once it was out in the open,

what did you want him to do, lie?

Listen, your kids can't help wondering about sex.

I mean, it's everywhere you look.

If you ask me, you're lucky they had

Dr. Becker to talk to.

When I was young, we didn't know anything.

I mean, half the girls in my high

school didn't even graduate.

Because they got pregnant?

No, because they were stupid.

And those are the people that I learned

about sex from.

I mean, I tried to ask my mom,

but, well, she drank a lot, so maybe

she thought she did tell me.

Anyways, you might think that your kids are

too young for all this stuff, but believe

me, they're just one Britney Spears video away

from a whole new world.

Now, are there any questions?

I've got a question.

Yes?

I-I forgot.

Are we done here?

Good.

Then I only have one thing to say.

Penis!

Deal with it.

Why are you drawing a heart with eyes?

It's not a hat.

It's a car.

Never mind.

I want to say something to you.

Yeah?

I know I get mad at you a

lot, but, you know, think about it.

You come late, you leave early, you watch

TV in the storeroom when you should be

working.

Hey, in my defense...

Go on.

What I'm trying to say is maybe sometimes

I overlook the good things you do.

I mean, what...

what you said earlier, that...

really helped me out.

Are you trying to say thank you?

Yes.

You're welcome.

You know, I've often thought that you and

I are a lot alike.

Oh, yeah?

How?

Well, we both love Chinese food.

True.

We're both scared of Margaret.

True.

We're both upset when Phyllis dumped Jack on

Young and the Restless.

Yeah, I still can't get over that.

And we both admire you.

Really?

Well, at least I do.

Wow, that's...

that's very nice.

Thank you, Linda.

Huh.

Well, maybe we should, uh, get out of

here, huh?

Okay.

Can I give you a ride?

Sure, thanks.

Don't you just hate that Phyllis?

Oh, she's such a slut.

And, like, a baby's gonna make her happy.

A baby?

Wait, I didn't hear anything about a baby.