Original subtitles

(DOCTOR WHO THEME)

(GASPING)

Ow! Ooh! (GASPING)

(SHOCKEYE GRUNTING)

Pretty, pretty!

Here, my pretty one!

(SHOCKEYE GROWLING)

Oh, steady, my little beauty! Ah!

Come to Shockeye!

Ho, ho, ho! Woah, woah, woah.

Oh, oh! What a fine fleshy beast!

Ha, just in your prime and ripe for the knife!

Oh!

Pity it's not a jack!

(INHALING) Still...

Varl, inform Chessene that we have another Time Lord for our collection.

Very good, sir.

I am Group Marshal Stike,

Commander of the Ninth Sontaran Battle Group.

Long way from the war, aren't you, Stike?

- Going badly, is it? - On the contrary.

And thanks to the information you've just given me,

I shall be back in time for the crucial battle.

My money's still on the Rutans.

Into the machine, Time Lord!

Why?

Oh, of course.

You don't really expect me to give the Sontarans

the power of unlimited time travel, do you?

- (GASPING) - Do it or your comrade dies!

STIKE: Get in!

(MACHINE BEEPING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

- Satisfied? - So, the machine is now primed?

- Yes. - Excellent.

I shall now execute your comrade.

Wait!

Now, that's why you Sontarans have no allies!

- DOCTOR: You can't be trusted! - We have no need of allies!

Sontaran might is invincible!

STIKE: Agh!

Run, Jamie!

(YELLING)

(STIKE GASPING)

- Who has done this to you, Stike? - A Time Lord.

Impossible. How could the Time Lords have traced us?

It's the truth.

I did not do this to myself!

The Doctor's companion at the space station had a knife like that.

- Doctor! - Jamie!

There you are, Jamie!

(SIGHING)

BOTH: Snap!

I've come a long way for you!

Naturally. Don't expect any thanks.

- (DOOR OPENING) - I think someone's coming.

(DOCTOR GRUNTING)

- Too late! - Upstairs. Extemporise.

(SHOCKEYE GRUNTING)

Wake up, old Time Lord.

SHOCKEYE: Supper will soon be served!

- CHESSENE: They've escaped. - STIKE: Typical cowardice!

They'll come back. They have to.

Dastari, you come with me.

Stike, you and Varl search the area.

That Androgum has given its last order!

- Sir? - I have outwitted Chessene.

The time module is now fully operational, Major Varl,

so you and I can return to our unit.

- Excellent news, sir! - (LAUGHING)

Come!

Now that the Time Lords have located us, Dastari, we must move quickly.

The operation cannot be hurried Chessene.

I'm aware of that.

But, I have a contingency plan.

- It's been in my mind for some time. - What contingency plan?

I want you to turn this Time Lord into an Androgum.

You could do that, I know.

Well, if I had the genetic material.

- Take it from Shockeye. - Shockeye?

I want you to make a consort for me.

Leave him the power of time travel.

Leave the symbiotic nuclei within him,

but turn him into an Androgum by blood and by instinct.

How long would that take?

Not long. Two simple operations.

The first to implant the genetic material,

and then a second operation to stabilise his condition.

CHESSENE: Good. Then that is what we shall do.

(CHUCKLING)

Ah!

Hmm.

- CHESSENE: Shockeye! - Ohhh.

I want you to help Dastari

get the Doctor back to the operating theatre.

Oh, can't I trim the beast first, madam?

- It'll only take a few minutes. - Later, Shockeye.

Dastari wants to operate immediately.

Ohhh.

If you say so.

- Orders. - Yes, sir.

Return to the craft and contact Sontaran High Command.

Report that we have possession of a functioning time-space machine.

Request permission to use it

to rejoin our unit in the Madillon Cluster.

Yes, sir!

That done, set the craft to self-destruct.

I intend to leave no one alive here.

No! You know what this precious pair have cooked up for you, Shockeye?

- DASTARI: That's enough. - No!

I don't want to be turned into an Androgum! Ah!

Chessene!

Ah! (COUGHING)

Peri! Can you stand?

Oh, my head!

- What happened? - Can you stand?

- Yes, I think so. - Come on. Let's get out of here!

CHESSENE: How long?

A few minutes only.

It's essentially the same operation I've performed many times on you.

But this time in reverse.

This time you are taking from an Androgum,

rather than augmenting one.

The principle's no different.

(INHALING)

What will you do when Stike discovers the plan's been changed?

I have no further use for Stike.

He and his underling must be destroyed.

What now? They've still got the Doctor!

And they're turning him into an Androgum!

- How long will it take? - You heard Dastari, two operations.

I thought Stike would have acted by now.

How?

I mean, he has a functioning time machine.

I would expect him to try and kill both Chessene and Dastari before he leaves.

So, why isn't my plan working?

- Your plan? - Jamie...

You don't think someone of Stike's build can sneak up behind me

without my hearing him, do you?

You knew he was there!

That's why I said what I did. None of it was, uh, strictly true,

but he believed it because I was talking to you.

But the machine worked! I saw it.

Oh yes, it worked for me.

But it won't work for him because I have...

The briode nebuliser.

I've given the Time Lord a 50% Androgum inheritance.

Within an hour, that will become the dominant genetic factor.

I can then stabilise his cell structure.

Before then we must deal with the Sontarans.

- How? - Coronic acid kills them.

We have no Coronic acid.

I took the precaution of having three canisters prepared

before we left the station, just in case.

(MUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Chessene...

(INHALING) You have betrayed me!

You have fouled the blood of the Quancing Grig!

(HISSING)

(SHOCKEYE GASPING)

- Capercaillies in brandy sauce! - What?

With a stuffing of black pudding made of live pig's blood,

herbs and pepper!

And the breasts of the birds

should be slit and studded with truffles!

- You know the cuisine of this planet? - Of course I do.

I have eaten pressed duck at the Tour d'Argent.

They're fed only on corn, fruit pulp and molasses.

They're exquisite, Shockeye!

Why am I thinking of food?

- Because you are now an Androgum! - Ah...

Can you lead me to one of these eating places

to sample the local dishes?

Of course I can, but you will need proper clothes.

- A collar, a neck-tie at least. - Oh.

I know where there are clothes!

At last! Action, I think.

Stike! Varl! This way.

Not yet.

Chessene first.

She's more dangerous.

STIKE: What is it, Dastari?

The Time Lord has returned. We saw him from the house.

- Where is he? - He's entered the passage.

Chessene's waiting in the cellar.

Now, if you go in this way, we have him trapped.

A double double-cross!

Gets more interesting by the minute!

(EXPLODING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

- Looks like Chessene's won! - Yeah.

Doctor!

Quail pate, I think, Shockeye!

- Followed by a bisque de crevettes! - Hmm.

I know an eating house...

- Now where are they going? - They look quite pally!

- Where have they gone? - They're hunting food.

If the Doctor isn't stabilised within the hour...

He'll reject the transfusion. I'm well aware of that.

- We must find them! - Wait!

On this planet there is little hunting.

The Doña Arana remembers many restaurants in Seville.

That is where they shall be. Come!

Treacherous hag!

I shall return to destroy this Androgum filth!

SHOCKEYE: Tell me, on this planet, do they ever eat their own?

I believe in the far Indies, it has been known,

but I remember a dish, shepherd's pie...

Shepherd's pie? A shepherd! Can't we walk quicker? (LAUGHING)

DOCTOR: Wait!

- There's a machine coming. - Ah.

¿Que has pasado aqui? (What's happened here?)

- Can you drive this machine? - Of course I can!

- Get in, my friend. - Ooh.

We shall be in Seville in five minutes!

(TRUCK DRIVING AWAY)

I can't believe that was my Doctor

just standing there and letting a man get killed.

Right now I'm afraid he's 80% Androgum.

By the time the effect reaches me, it'll be close to 100%.

- Reaches you? - And it will! Unless we can save him.

I'm already beginning to feel... changes.

Eh? Well, come on, then!

(STIKE GRUNTING)

(MACHINE BLEEPING)

(STIKE SCREAMING)

My space craft!

Oh, look, we'll never find him here, Doctor!

- It's too big. - Look!

They can't be more than a minute ahead of us. This way, I think.

How do you know?

Peri, it is me we're following!

- I still don't understand it. - What?

Well, that you and the Doctor,

well, my Doctor, are the same person.

Of course we're the same...

But different.

You only have to see

how my sartorial taste has improved, for instance!

Yeah, but how can two of you be together at the same point in space and time?

When you travel around as much as I do,

it's almost inevitable that you'll run into yourself at some point.

Come on.

Personally, I have never seen the necessity for starting a meal with...

- (STAMMERING) What was your word? - Hors d'oeuvres.

They're quite unnecessary, in my opinion.

Eight or nine main dishes are quite enough in my opinion.

Well, on this planet, it is the custom.

All the greatest chefs agree.

Careme, Brillat-Savarin, the noble Escoffier...

They all agree that one should begin with a light dish,

something to bring relish to the appetite.

Pate de foie gras de Strasbourg en croute, for instance.

- Or a serving of Belon oysters! - Oh!

Even a light salad with artichoke hearts and country ham will suffice.

It gets the digestive juices flowing!

How much further is this place?

It's just round the next corner, if I remember rightly.

They're checking the restaurants.

Something I should have thought of.

Come on. Let's find them before Chessene does.

(COUGHING)

(CHOKING)

Juan, can you see to table six?

Welcome to Las Cadenas, senor.

(CHUCKLING) How delightful to see gentlemen of the old school.

May I enquire if you have a booking?

Booking? I want food!

- No reservation? Well, come this way. - Ah!

Fortunately, I have an excellent table for you.

(SNIFFING)

Do you serve humans here?

- Most of the time, sir. - Ohhh!

Yes, I think I could venture to say that

most of our customers are certainly human! (CHUCKLING)

I mean human meat, you fawning imbecile!

No, sir. The nouvelle cuisine has not yet penetrated this establishment.

- Eh? - Juan!

No.

(SIGHING)

- No luck? - No.

Just a load of tourists eating paella and chips.

No, didn't look the kind of place.

They'd have gone for somewhere more elabor... ate.

- What's wrong? - Look!

- There's a cat! - What about it?

Well, they say there's more than one way to cook a cat!

(CAT MEOWING)

Here, pussy, pussy, puss-puss! Here's a little puss.

Doctor, what are you doing?

They can make quite good eating!

Small mammals are quite flavoursome when baked.

What are you saying? I don't understand.

I knew it would happen!

- I'm turning into an Androgum! - You can't!

You're not an Androgum, you're a Time Lord!

- Pull yourself together, Doctor. - Yes.

Yes, that's right. I'm a Time Lord.

(GASPING)

- You better now? - Yes.

Yes. Yes, I'm all right.

For the moment.

What on earth have they had?

Nobody can run up a bill for 81,600 pesetas!

What? Let me see.

They've had lobster, clams and squid,

brains in white sauce, two whole suckling pigs,

a ham with figs, eight steaks and an entire family paella!

What? A whole paella?

- And... - That's 12 servings!

They've just ordered a dozen breasts of pigeon,

probably to help down the last of their dozen bottles of wine!

Ah! What a gargantuan repast! It's incredible!

- And they're still eating! - SHOCKEYE: Mmm.

They've covered that way, so we'll go this.

I think they should start paying now, Oscar.

Yes.

Well, leave it to me.

I trust everything was to your satisfaction, gentlemen?

Oh, tolerable, tolerable.

May I say what a pleasure it has been to see

two such dedicated trenchermen enjoying their food.

Unfortunately, the reckoning is rather high!

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

- What is this? - Well, it's the amount you owe, sir.

Do you understand this?

He's asking for money.

Money?

Tokens of exchange.

- This is our tally? - Yes, sir.

Ah.

- Here. - Keep the change.

(SIGHING) I'm sorry, sir.

I mean, I can see you're a wit as well as a bon vivant,

but this, whatever it is, is not acceptable.

That is a 20-narg note!

You can change that anywhere in the nine planets!

Well, it's not acceptable here, sir.

(DOCTOR SIGHING)

- Las Cadenas! - Las Ca-de-nas!

Well, isn't that where Oscar works?

Aye, I think that was the name.

Mind you, there seems to be more places to eat in this town

than you'd find fleas on a dog.

Dog? Where?

Oscar, you must stop them.

Yes, yes, I must.

Gentlemen, if this is a joke, it has gone on long enough.

If you don't wish to pay cash we can accept any recognised credit card.

- I will pay you with this! - What?

Your whining importunacy has acidised my digestive juices!

- Argh! - (ANITA SCREAMING)

- Oscar! - What happened?

(GASPING)

Officer! Promptly on the scene as always!

Let me see that.

Ridiculous thing to happen.

Dissatisfied customers usually just don't leave a tip.

Doctor?

You, you're going to be all right, Oscar.

I phoned for the ambulance and the Guardia Seville.

No. No, no, I fear this is Botcherby's last curtain call.

ANITA: Oh, no.

No one will never see my definitive Hamlet now.

We will! We'll all be there on the first night, Oscar!

To die, to sleep...

To sleep, perchance to dream...

Where are you, Anita?

I'm here!

Please...

Take care of my beautiful moths.

(ANITA SOBBING)

Goodnight, sweet Prince.

(STAMMERING) Doctor, just look at the Doctor! His face!

- Can you walk? - Walk?

Of course I can walk!

Right. Come on.

(GRUNTING)

I am a police officer. Come along with me, sir!

- What is this? - Anything that you may say...

Who do I think you are?

DOCTOR: May be used in evidence against you.

- We'd better go. - (BOTH DOCTORS ARGUING)

- Now, you come along with me, sir! - How dare you?

Let go of me!

- This way! - No, this way!

Now, look. You got me into this mess!

Will you two please stop squabbling?

- We'll go this way. - (SCOFFING)

Pah.

CHESSENE: No!

You'll come this way!

We have some unfinished business to attend to.

(GRUNTING)

- Oh, my word, what a mess! - Mmm.

I think perhaps Dastari ought to sack your chatelaine.

- Shockeye! - Aye.

What has happened here?

It seems that Group Marshal Stike

vapourised his space craft and himself.

I found this.

- So he survived the Coronic acid. - Obviously.

Down to the cellars.

You know the way, I think.

The control box has been moved. Is it damaged?

The briode nebuliser's missing.

You mean this?

Why did you remove it?

Because it contains my symbiotic print.

Return this to the machine.

How did your Time Lord imprint get into this?

Stike forced me to prime and use the machine.

There is a simple way of testing

whether you are still trying to deceive us.

- Come, girl. - SECOND DOCTOR: No!

Now we shall see.

(WHIRRING)

There you are.

Kartz and Reimer experimented like this many times.

The subjects always vapourised into the time stream.

Peri won't.

And she hasn't any symbiotic nuclei, I can assure you.

(WHIRRING)

Out!

(PERI SIGHING)

Satisfied?

Dastari, chain these creatures up.

Chain us up?

After I've handed you the secret of time travel on a plate!

Come on, Chessene. Where's your gratitude?

CHESSENE: Dastari.

Come on.

DASTARI: Come along.

Oh, madam, before we leave, let me cook one of the humans.

Didn't you sate your appetite sufficiently in the city?

A mere snack.

You promised we could have a human before leaving Earth!

- Well, if it would please you. - Hmm.

- Take the one in the skirt. - Ayyy.

He is the youngest of the jacks.

Thank you, madam!

- (SHOCKEYE CHUCKLING) - (JAMIE GRUNTING)

- Get your hands off me! - Ah! Steady, my beauty!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, there's some juiceful meat on this one, Chessene!

SECOND DOCTOR: Jamie!

You might at least say goodbye!

You're almost as clever as I am!

What does he mean?

I presume you've sabotaged the briode nebuliser?

- Pared the interface. - Precisely what I would have done.

But it worked, didn't it?

I left a thin membrane so it would work once.

- I knew she'd want to test it! - There's no need to be so smug.

We've got to get Jamie out of that butcher's hands.

BOTH: Can you reach that wheelchair?

I'm not elastic!

I think you could reach it with your feet, if you try.

DOCTOR: Good girl!

What's the idea, Doctor?

Push it over towards him.

- Why? He's not going anywhere in it! - SECOND DOCTOR: Come along!

DOCTOR: That's it!

- What do you think? - It might work. It's worth a try.

SECOND DOCTOR: Easy...

Easy does it...

DOCTOR: Right.

SECOND DOCTOR: Well done!

- (JAMIE YELLING) - Oh, never mind me.

That's Jamie! Help him!

The key!

- Argh! - (LAUGHING)

- What are you doing? - Uh, tenderising the meat.

Oh, see how the flesh is marbling?

That's the fatty tissue breaking up. (LAUGHING)

You should kill him first, surely?

It works better on a live animal.

- Argh! - It looks very painful.

Eh?

That's simply a nervous reflex.

I've been butchering all my life.

Primitive creatures don't feel pain in the way that we would.

(AGONISED YELLING)

(LAUGHING)

Now,

this is the part, I always say,

where you can tell a butcher from a botcher!

The meat should always have a clean edge.

CHESSENE: Dastari, you fool!

- One of the Time Lords has escaped! - That's impossible.

You couldn't of fastened a manacle properly.

- I tell you I did. - Don't argue!

It's vital that he be caught and killed!

Chessene, listen to me.

To kill a Time Lord would mean

the destruction of everything we've achieved.

The Gallifreyans have powers we've not even dreamed of.

Kill him, I tell you!

Kill him!

This will only take a few minutes, madam

I thought we could have the saddle and the haunches for supper.

Never mind that now, Shockeye!

I want that Time Lord found!

- (WHISPERING) Jamie! Jamie! - (JAMIE GROANING)

Can you hear me?

(GROANING)

Jamie! Wake up!

(GRUNTING)

I thought you might return to help the primitive!

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

(GASPING)

Shockeye! The Time Lord!

I know, madam. I wounded him!

Look!

Then follow his blood trail.

Kill him, Shockeye.

Certainly, madam!

(GROANING)

Right!

I'll have that Shockeye, so I will!

Come along, Peri. It's time we were off.

Okay.

Chessene wants me to kill you.

Your run has nearly ended, Time Lord!

Argh!

Give up, Time Lord!

You cannot escape Shockeye o' the Quancing Grig!

(PANTING)

(GASPING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(PANTING)

The blood is warm and salt, Time Lord!

(SNIFFING)

I know how near you are!

(SHOCKEYE YELLING)

(GASPING)

(SIGHING)

Your just desserts!

DASTARI: I remember it very clearly, Doctor.

SECOND DOCTOR: There speaks the real Dastari.

My old friend!

I ordered you to kill these two. Why are they still alive?

There's been enough killing, Chessene, and it's my fault.

I took an Androgum,

a lowly, unthinking creature of instinct,

and tried to set her among the gods!

I put myself among the gods!

And now I shall liberate my people.

With me as their leader we shall reign over all other beings.

- DASTARI: Ahhh! - (PERI SCREAMING)

CHESSENE: Stop!

(HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING)

(SCREAMING)

Is she dead?

SECOND DOCTOR: Very.

Molecular disintegration. Horrible!

PERI: Well. That's it, then.

Aye, except for that Shockeye!

He's been, uh, mothballed.

My word, that's a mess!

It'll take you quite a while to put that back together again!

That will not be necessary.

A Stattenheim remote control!

Where did you get that? I've always wanted one of those.

Some of us have earned these little privileges!

(WHISTLING)

(WHOOSHING)

- Jamie. - Uh. After you, Doctor.

Oh no, after you, Jamie.

- Bye, Peri. - Bye.

- Uh, Doctor. - Jamie.

And keep an eye on the old gentleman, will you?

Do try to keep out of my way in future and in past, there's a good fellow.

The time continuum should be big enough for both of us...

Just!

Do you know, I think I preferred you as an Androgum.

(WHOOSHING)

(SIGHING) Of all the conceited ingrates!

Do you know, he almost succeeded in concealing my natural charm.

But... Was that your TARDIS?

- Mmm. - (CHUCKLING)

I don't understand.

How can it be in two places at the same time?

That's the whole point. It's not in two places at the same time.

My TARDIS is at least five minutes walk from here.

- Oh. - After you.

No, after you.

No, after you!

- Doctor... - Hmm?

We're not going fishing again, are we?

No.

From now on, it's a healthy vegetarian diet,

for both of us!