Original subtitles

Isn't this fascinating brushwork?

Oh, no, please, don't touch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Man: ...Raining here in New York.

Pittsburgh, clear, 74. Chicago, light rain, 79.

St. Louis, cloudy, 82.

♪ Any Wednesday

♪ love that Wednesday

♪ seems the peak of every week ♪

♪ for me is Wednesday

♪ it begins with the letters w-e ♪

♪ that means together for baby and me ♪

♪ when we surrender

♪ the whole day together to love ♪

♪ one more letter

♪ makes it better

♪ tack a "d" upon the "we"

♪ and you get wed

♪ that spells heaven

♪ how's it sound to you?

♪ Name your Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday will do

♪ pick a Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday

♪ will do

Celia! Celia!

Oh, hello there, miss.

Would you come in here and help me, please?

Thank you very much.

Over here. Quick.

Here, please, over here.

Mrs. John cleves, one moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Chicago? But this is New York.

Never mind. Please.

Mrs. John cleves, one moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Mrs. John cleves? One moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Hello, Dorothy. How are you, sweetheart?

Good.

Oh, not bad.

I bought two companies, sold one.

And how was your day?

How's the family?

I sure do miss those pesky kids.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

How's the weather in short hills?

It's drizzling here. It's always raining in Chicago.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Hold on a minute, will you, please?

Would you mind very much not tsking?

Oh, boy.

Or oh, boying?

Hello?

It was just the bellboy with the papers.

Of course I love you, baby.

Why would one rainy day in Chicago change that?

Yes, first plane in the morning.

I'll be in the office by 11:00

if you need me for anything.

Yes, I do.

Good night, sweetheart.

That was your wife.

Yes, it was, and thank you so very much.

Celia? Celia?

Celia?

Celia. Celia.

It's Wednesday, remember?

Here, here, let me help you.

Say, what are you doing

with Mr. Littlejohn's paintings?

Well, they're not Mr. Littlejohn's paintings.

They belong to the gallery where I work.

Mr. Littlejohn

just rented them for the evening.

Why, that old phony,

telling everyone he owns them.

Look, they're an armful now.

I'll get a taxi.

Oh, no, no, no --

no, I insist.

No, Mr. Cleves, I can manage. Thank you.

Ah. So you remember my name?

How can I forget?

Mrs. John cleves, Chicago calling.

Taxi.

But I --

Thank you very much, Mr. Cleves,

for helping me.

Good night.

Well, don't I even get a drink?

Well, whatever for?

Whatever for?

For a 35-cent cab ride and a 65-cent tip,

that's whatever for.

Have you any idea what time it is?

You forget. In Chicago, it's an hour earlier.

Oh. Uh...

If, uh,

if I give you one drink, will you promise to go?

I can lie to my wife, my darling, but not to you.

Yes, I promise I'll go.

Actually, I'm not even sure we have any liquor.

Ah, it's very nice. Yes.

Hey, did you rent these from the gallery?

Shh. I've got two roommates asleep.

Let's see, I remember we chipped in

for a bottle of scotch two weeks ago.

I hope there's some left.

Oh, there must be.

I mean, three of you couldn't have killed

a whole bottle of scotch in only two weeks.

Thank you.

Well, why do you look at me that way?

I'm only slightly drunk.

And slightly unfaithful.

Only on wednesdays.

Really? Why only on wednesdays?

Thank you.

Because that is the day of the week

I go out of town on my business trips.

The same way, I suppose, you wentto Chicago today.

Exactly. The same way I went to St. Louis last week

and Milwaukee the week before that.

Next Wednesday, I'm going to Atlanta.

Have you ever been to Atlanta?

No, Mr. Cleves.

Would you like to go to Atlanta?

No, Mr. Cleves.

Why not?

Well, that poor woman

sitting all alone in the suburbs...

Oh, I assure you she's very happy

and unsuspicious.

Six days out of seven, I am the model mate.

Now, how many husbands can make that claim?

Husbands.

In vino veritas.

How's that?

In wine, truth. It's beginner's Latin.

Oh. Oh, well, how would I know about that?

Yes, I was a soph in high school

when I lied about my age to get into the marines.

I lie to everybody, you know, not only my wife.

After the war,

I didn't bother going back to hackensack high.

Consequently, I did not become a millionaire

until I was almost 28 years old.

Sad, isn't it?

Your wife on the phone sounded sort of...

Well, go ahead. Say it. Cultured?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, well,

we're a great entry, Dorothy and me.

She's cultured, and I'm ruthless.

Speaking of ruthlessness...

How about Atlanta next week?

Well, why do we have to wait

until next Wednesday, Mr. Cleves?

I mean, here we are,

all settled and comfortable in Chicago,

and it's raining out.

And there's still a couple of drinks

left in the bottle.

What about your roommates? Heavy sleepers?

No, you don't have to worry about them.

Come here.

You wait in there. I'll only be a minute.

[ Door locks ]

No, Mr. Cleves,

not this Wednesday or any other Wednesday.

Three months hasn't changed my mind, Mr. Cleves.

No, thank you.

No, Mr. Cleves,

you have a wife in short hills, New Jersey.

[ Rings ]

Well, is she on her lunch hour?

Lunch hour? She's in the hospital.

In the hospital? Why wasn't I informed?

Are you a relative?

No.

Close friend?

No.

A creditor?

I am John cleves,

and I want to know where miss Gordon...

You're the John cleves

who's on the cover of timethis week, right?

Yeah. Well, next week,

there will be someone else on the cover.

Now, what hospital --

Ellen has been talking about you steadily

for a solid year.

She says you're the most terrible, awful man,

but she's very, very fond of you.

Oh? Well, so is time. Now, what hospital --

I'm not a doctor,

but I think that this split feeling

that Ellen has about you has given her the hepatitis.

Well, where is she having it?

Now, for the last time, what hospital?

I don't care what the rules are.

I want to see miss Gordon.

Woman: I'm sorry, sir.

Visiting hours are from 1:00 to 3:00.

Miss Sullivan,

what is your function here at the hospital?

I am in complete charge of all nurses,

registered or in training, and furthermore --

miss Sullivan, last year I donated $35,000

to this hospital's building fund.

It's just possible that you may be back

to bedpans very shortly.

Miss Sullivan.

You should look that good.

Miss Sullivan's been so sweet to me.

You shouldn't have threatened her.

Listen, just this morning

I threatened the presidents of two banks,

the mayor of a large city, and the chairman

of the interstate commerce commission.

I'm just tapering off with miss Sullivan.

Did you really donate --

of course not. I wouldn't dream of it.

Say, how long have you been here?

A month, but I should be going home next week.

A month? I could have come to see you.

Oh, no, I didn't want anybody to see me.

I've been so yellow.

Yellow, miss Gordon,

happens to be my favorite color.

I've just ordered two dozen yellow roses.

They should be here any minute.

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

I don't like flowers,

real ones, anyway.

See, I don't like to watch them die.

Sort of -- well, you know what I mean.

No.

Well, see, I have plastic ones at home,

that way I don't have to watch them die.

Then I can have chrysanthemums in July

and jonquils in winter.

Yeah, I buy them at bloomingdale's

and tie them on.

But flowers cheer up a room.

Oh, not for me, they don't.

I'd like a room full of balloons.

Now, that would be gay, wouldn't it?

I don't answer questions like that

without my lawyer at my side,

and speaking of lawyers, may I use your phone?

Surely.

How are your roommates?

I'm not really interested, you know?

I'm just making conversation.

Oh, well, one of them got married,

and the other one joined the peace corps.

Now, that's what I call diversification.

Woman: Operator.

Gramercy 3-6598, please.

[ Sobs ]

Hold it. Hold it.

Cancel that call, will you, please?

Did I say something to offend you?

No, I'm just -- I'm losing my apartment.

It's going co-op,

and they want $32,000 for it,

and I really love that crazy place.

Well, $32,000 doesn't seem too high

for a co-op these days.

Not too high?

Where am I going to get $32,000?

I have $164 in the bank,

and I can't even find my bankbook.

Uh, $32,000 would be high for me,

for anyone, the way taxes are,

but it wouldn't be too high

for my corporation.

If my corporation bought your apartment,

it would become an executive suite

and tax deductible.

Well, how does that help me?

It would help you

because you could go right on living in it.

And pay rent to the corporation?

Heh heh. Not exactly.

And you wouldn't have to have roommates.

You could have it all to yourself,

except, of course, on wednesdays.

Out! Out of this room!

Now just a minute, miss Gordon.

Ellen, you know you're fond of me.

I can feel it.

Where on earth did you get --

what does that have to do with it?

I mean, you're a married man, Mr. Cleves.

John.

Darling.

And I'm very fond of you, darling.

You're still married.

Things are different now with Dorothy and me.

In fact, the only reason we're staying together

is because of the children.

Sometimes, I think, what's the sense

in two people sticking together when...

And then when I walk into the children's bedroom,

and when I see them asleep

with their little hands

flung over their little heads, I...

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not a homebreaker.

Well, I haven't had any practice,

and I haven't got the equipment.

Ellen.

No, you've got to go.

My temperature's gone way up.

Goodbye, darling.

Goodbye.

I want to thank you

for coming to the hospital every day this week

and reading to me and talking to me.

Ellen.

No, John.

This is goodbye.

[ Screams ]

Oh, John.

Mrs. John cleves?

One moment, please. Kansas City calling.

Man: Milwaukee, clear, 62.

Omaha, Nebraska, heavy rains continuing.

Oh, it's miserable, miserable.

They say it's the rainiest Autumn

they've had in Omaha in the last 20 years.

Buffalo, clear, 36.

Toronto, cloudy, 2 below zero.

Mrs. John cleves? One moment, please.

Toronto calling.

Hello, Dorothy, how are you?

Detroit, clear, 61.

Chicago, partly cloudy, 59.

Mrs. John cleves? One moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Good morning, darling. I'm out of the shower.

Can't you do anything about those sleeves?

No, that's the way they're supposed to be.

You said you bought it

because you thought they were so graceful.

Has the milkman said anything to you?

About those sleeves?

No, no. Does he think it's funny,

you know, milk every day of the week,

cream only on Thursday?

He hasn't said a word to me about it.

Hmm.

Of course, it's only been two years.

Maybe he's thinking how to phrase it.

What's the matter?

It's my birthday.

Oh, no. It completely slipped my mind.

Ha.

Look in my pocket.

Oh, John.

No, no, no, the other one.

Happy birthday, baby.

John, I didn't expect anything.

I didn't --

oh, it's absolutely,

positively just right for you.

I knew it would be.

How could you go wrong?

Well, cartier's did a hell of a job.

They designed it especially for US.

You didn't notice

the way they worked in the blo-cold trademark?

You can't see it unless you look for it.

It may be you'll have to let the agency use it,

if they do another blo-cold refrigerator commercial.

I'll never take it off...

When I have it.

If the agency can spare it,

I'll be buried in it.

It's your birthday. You're a child.

Can't we do without this burial business?

[ Whining ] No, I'm not a child.

John, you just don't understand.

It's so horrible to be...

30.

Sweetheart, sweetheart, you're still in kindergarten.

Now, look at me. Look.

I'm -- well, whatever I am,

and I still think of myself as 22,

and you're 18,

and that's the end of the subject.

You're sweet, John.

Sure. Sure, I am.

John?

What made you pick exactly 18 for me?

On the advice of my attorney.

Anything under is statutory rape.

I have another present for you.

Where?

Where is it?

Right here. Me for the day.

I can't believe it.

Well, it wasn't easy. I told the office

I'm still officially out of town,

duluth, I think it is, where it is 84 and humid.

I love you so.

Oh, we've never had a whole day.

We've never had a whole day,

just little pieces of Wednesday.

Well, it's your day.

What would you like to do with it?

We can just be like people,

and we don't have to stay locked up here.

I'm so excited, I can't stand it.

Let's go to coney island and ride the roller coaster.

It's your day.

What would you like to do with it?

Oh, I know.

I know. Let's go to the Lincoln center.

There's a chopin concert.

Hmm.

You don't like chopin?

I love chopin, but not at the Lincoln center.

Dorothy's on the board of directors.

Hey, you know what would be fun?

We could go to the shea stadium.

The mets are in town.

Dorothy is on the board of directors there, too?

No, but Dorothy and I have a season's box

right behind the dugout. The mets shock easy.

You know what we can do?

We can have lunch on the terrace

of the central park zoo.

Who could we possibly shock at the zoo?

It's not that. I'm recognized,

that spread in time two years ago

and last month in newsweek.

Wherever I go now, people come up

and ask me to autograph money.

I better call the office.

I don't trust that new secretary.

I know what.

We'll have a picnic in the garden.

The gladiola are blooming, courtesy of bloomingdale's.

Miss linsley?

No, I'm not in Cleveland.

No, I'm not at the airport.

I'm at the executive suite.

Oh, Mr. Cleves, I'm so glad you called

because you're late for your appointment.

What appointment?

I told you to make no appointments for today.

This is Thursday.

Oh, but, Mr. Cleves,

I thought you said next Thursday.

The ambassador has been waiting for 15 minutes.

Oh! Mr. Cleves, you'll be glad to know

that I got those theater tickets

Mrs. Cleves asked me to get.

For when?

Well, for tonight, Mr. Cleves.

What? Call Mrs. Cleves at home.

I can't, Mr. Cleves.

She's already left short hills,

and, Mr. Cleves,

you haven't forgotten, have you?

You have a luncheon appointment

with Mr. Rezni of persian oil,

and then after lunch, two appointments --

miss linsley! Will you do something for me?

Sit up straight, clasp your hands at your desk,

and don't move until I get there.

No appointments I said. Did you hear that?

And a luncheon date and two after that, too.

John, that's the whole day.

I know, baby, and I'm just as disappointed as you are.

I know you are.

Oh, John, I love you.

It was a beautiful thought.

We'll try again next year.

We still have tonight.

Oh, John, I forgot about that.

We've never had two nights in a row.

Baby...

As I was saying,

we've never had two nights in a row.

But didn't you hear? Thanks to miss linsley,

Dorothy has theater tickets for tonight.

Well, that's okay.

How is Dorothy?

She's fine.

And Johnny? Debbie?

Fine.

Both: They're all fine.

Gosh, when I think of those kids

with their little arms

flung over their little heads...

That's a beautiful thought, John. Hold it.

I hate to think of you alone here.

I'm not alone.

I've got my goldfish, and you're always with me.

Goodbye, John. See you next Wednesday.

Miss linsley is the cousin

of Dorothy's roommate at Bryn mawr.

I can't fire her, but I can kill her.

Taxi.

Mind if I get out first?

What do I owe you?

65 cents.

All right. Let's see...

In New York, we usually say "keep the change."

It saves time.

Oh. Your time or my time?

Give me a dime back.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah.

Madison and 47th.

That's funny. I just come from there.

[ Crying ]

Hello there.

Honey?

Hey, come on now, honey,

take a deep breath and pull yourself together.

Aah!

Who are you?

You poor kid.

You really had a rough night last night, didn't you?

Aah.

Hey, hey, I'm not going to hurt you.

Who are you?

My name is cass Henderson,

and miss linsley said with the convention in town --

miss linsley?

Yeah. She said I'd probably never get a room,

and Mr. Cleves would want me to be comfortable.

Mr...

Henderson.

Henderson. I'm sure the company would be eager

to accommodate you, but I don't --

accommodate me?

Oh, look, miss, I know you have to say that,

but I didn't get much sleep last night.

Oh, no offense. You're a very pretty girl.

Mr. Henderson.

Putting your little brother through school or something?

[ Crying ]

You're kind of emotional for this business, aren't you?

A girl like you, young, strong,

you can do anything.

Everybody has to make a living,

but you could be a receptionist, a file clerk.

You must go. You're invading the privacy of my home.

Oh. I thought this was the executive suite.

It is the executive suite, but it isn't.

Miss linsley said it was the executive suite.

Well, miss linsley is new.

She thinks it's the executive suite.

She doesn't know that it isn't.

Look, if you live here,

and this is company property,

what are you doing living on company property?

It's a special arrangement.

Huh?

Like a scholarship.

Oh.

Oh, a Grant, like the Ford foundation.

More like a fulbright.

Now you must go.

I have to get out of my sleeves

and clean up this mess.

Oh, okay, I'm going.

Would you mind if I used your telephone

to call a buddy of mine, see if he'll take me in?

Must you?

Thank you very much.

Oh, go ahead and get out of your sleeves.

Go ahead. I won't take a thing.

Well, you better be gone when I come out.

Nice meeting you.

My pleasure, miss...

Operator? Akron, Ohio, 973-9330.

Uh, Betty.

Hi, hon. Yeah. Put me on with my brother, will you?

I can't hang on to this phone. Yeah.

[ Whistling ]

George. George, you know where I am?

I'm in the executive suite of cleves incorporated.

Never mind how, George.

No, no, cleves isn't here, but somebody else is,

a girl, lives here on a special arrangement.

Getting out of her sleeves.

Sleeves! Shut up and listen a minute,

will you, George?

Now, she says it's like a scholarship.

Now, you know what that means.

Well, it means somebody's keeping her, right, George?

So if I hang around, maybe I can find out who.

It must be somebody big in the company.

Who knows? She might know cleves himself.

Look, brother, this is last chance,

desperate time. Now, we haven't been able

to get to the bandit any other way --

and you're the fourth old buddy I've called.

Sure, I understand. Not a room in town.

Out!

That miss linsley sure was right.

All the hotels are booked solid.

Mr. Henderson, why don't you just go away?

Oh, I'm going. I'm going,

but one of the guys is going to call me back here.

You'll let me wait on my call, won't you?

Couldn't you go somewhere and call your friend back?

There's a sweet little booth

at the end of the block with big windows.

Now, look, miss, uh...

Say, why don't you sit down and just relax

and read a magazine?

And tell you what I'll do.

I'll clean up that mess while I'm waiting.

I'll clean up my own mess. Thank you.

Hey, honey, that's not nice.

I said I would clean up my own mess!

And I said that's not nice!

I'll scream! Aah!

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Cleves.

Well, how do you do? I'm cass Henderson.

I'm so sorry to disturb you.

I didn't know.

Miss linsley didn't mention anything -- oh, dear!

We all get a little weak in this weather.

Shouldn't we get your wife a glass of water?

Wife?

I've never been here before.

It belongs to my husband's company,

the executive suite.

Of course, you know that, don't you?

Do you come to New York often?

Well, I haven't --

where do you usually stay?

I prefer the Sherry-netherland myself --

oh, of course, you stay here, don't you?

After all, that's what it's for.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm here,

as well you might.

I wanted to catch John before he left.

Oh! Just keep sipping, dear.

You saw my husband, didn't you?

I must have just missed him.

See, last week, I came in town to shop,

must have been Wednesday because John was in Chicago.

At any rate, I saw this coat at maximillian's,

and I haven't been able to sleep since.

I've never coveted anything in my life --

I adore church candlesticks, such a sense of history.

So I dash back to maximillian's this morning.

They reduced it for me.

Floribundas and heliotrope.

Now that's charming...

More than I can say for the rest of this place.

So I left a deposit

and dashed over to the office to fetch John,

but his secretary miss linsley

told me he'd stopped off here.

I hadn't the slightest notion there was an executive suite.

Well, that's John, so much on his mind.

So I dashed up, and here I am,

and, well, I must admit, thoroughly appalled --

overdone, diffuse, bizarre.

Obviously done by someone insecure.

Probably cost a fortune, too.

[ Groans ]

She's starving for air.

Coffee might help.

Coffee...might...help.

Very sensible of you, dear.

Breathe deeply.

[ Inhaling ]

Are you feeling any better?

Color seems to be coming back a bit --

I'll never get used to these bifocals.

Tried contact lenses, but John found

the glint in my eye too disturbing.

I couldn't find any coffee,

but this is a kind of stimulant.

Oh, champagne. How charming.

[ Pop ]

Oh. I adore that sound.

It reminds me of midnight sailings.

So festive.

My wife's got a real thing about champagne.

Can't get enough of the stuff.

Say, darling, how about if I get some glasses,

then Mrs. Cleves can join US, huh?

Oh, how nice, a party, a surprise party.

Champagne this time of day.

I feel so wicked.

My, wasn't that quick?

Here we go.

Whenever John and I went to Europe,

we lavished ourselves with magnums of champagne.

Of course, it's been years

since I've been anywhere. John loathes traveling.

Goes off wednesdays, collapses Thursdays.

[ Gulping ]

Oh, thank you.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

Hello?

No voice. Just heavy breathing.

Some kind of a nut.

Salud.

To the Hendersons.

To our host and hostess.

Well, thank you.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?

Who the hell's there?

No one.

Well, someone answered the telephone,

a man's voice.

Oh, listen, Giselle,

I was just about to step into the tub.

Call you back, huh?

You know, your voice reminds me of someone.

I can't quite think who, but someone.

Oh, that's me --

look like everybody, sound like everybody.

That's enough, sweetheart.

Well, I must run along.

I don't want to keep you from your bath.

Oh, don't go, Mrs. Cleves.

I really should.

It's been so nice meeting you.

So young, your lives stretching out before you.

Do you have children?

Not yet.

No, no.

Well, you're just a child yourself.

I've aged today.

Oh?

It's my birthday.

Happy birthday.

I want to tell you something, both of you,

something told to me by a very wise woman

on my wedding day.

It's my birthday present to you, cass, and to you, uh,

I can't remember what you said your first name was.

Uh, my wife has a very unusual first name.

Ellen.

Ellen.

Believe me, it works.

"Dorothy," she said, "never, never,

never go to sleep angry at each other."

Whatever discord John and I may have had,

oh, little things, we have never, never --

[ telephone rings ]

Hello?

By now you've had time to ask that fellow his name

and just what he's doing --

Giselle, I told you I was getting into the tub.

Well, why aren't you in it?

How can I be when you keep calling?

I told you I'd call you back.

That can't be gladiola blooming this time of year.

I should never drink champagne in the morning,

especially in this weather.

I think I'll run the water in my tub.

Excuse me.

Oh, Mrs. Henderson.

Mrs. Henderson.

Ellen?

I really must go, but before I do,

I want to see you kids kiss and make up.

No more nonsense. Just to please me?

Now come on. Try it.

Okay.

Darling.

She didn't understand.

Honeybun, Mrs. Cleves

said never to go to bed without, uh...

I know what you're thinking. Oh, yes, I do.

You're thinking that we just got out of bed.

Let's be friends. Come here,

right over here and sit down, huh?

There we go.

There. Now I feel much better.

So do I.

Feeling better every minute.

Well, of course you are.

Now I'll leave you kids to adjust to each other,

and remember what that nice old woman said.

You may fight in here in the living room,

but in there, that's where the peace treaty's signed.

She was a very wise old lady.

That one little piece of advice, she said,

saw her through three marriages. Bye-bye.

Well, I'm willing to negotiate.

How about you?

Why don't you just go away?

Honey, I'm your husband, remember?

We just kissed and made up.

[ Telephone rings ]

Oh, no.

Hello.

Hello?

Is this 734-7098?

Uh, yes, it is. Can I help you?

Put miss Gordon on.

Hang on just a minute.

Would there be a miss Gordon anywhere around here?

Oh. How do you do?

Hello.

Well, I'm ready.

Are you ready to tell me all about it?

Well, you know miss linsley,

Mr. Cleves' secretary?

She sent him here because she said

he probably couldn't get a hotel room.

Somebody should have a sharp word with her.

I have one for her. Hello?

Miss linsley?

Hello?

Get the hell in here. I would like a word with you.

Say, how long have you been living here?

Must I have you removed by force?

Just as soon as I get my call now.

Are you sure your friend is going to call?

Oh, he'll call.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Giselle, how are you?

It must be for you.

Hello.

Is he still there? Why didn't you get rid of him?

You didn't let me finish.

He's just waiting for a call, that's all.

Did you speak with miss linsley?

I mean, did she tell you everything?

Everything? You mean there's more?

Oh, miss linsley didn't tell you.

Well, Mrs. Cleves stopped by the office,

and miss linsley sent her up here, too. Hello?

Miss linsley! In here on the double!

You know, that Mrs. Cleves is a nice lady.

Oh, you think so?

Well, she'd better keep her wretched itchy fingers

off this place. It's mine.

Diffuse and bizarre and insecure it may be,

but it's mine, every bit of it.

I've spent years scouting 3rd Avenue

and the salvation army and auctions -- ow!

What did you do?

What, did you cut your foot?

I'm all right.

Let me see it now.

You got any alcohol?

Or I could kiss it.

Don't bother.

Give me this. Come here now.

Ow.

There you go. Feel better, huh?

Now, you just sit right back there, relax,

read the newspaper, get yourself unwound,

and...

You must have made the Dean's list.

Hey.

Oh, I can't stand it anymore.

I can't stand it one more minute.

Where are you going?

To the river!

To the river?

Hey!

Hey, mister. Quick. Which way's the river?

We've got two rivers, mister.

Well...

Miss Gordon!

Stop her!

Is she a thief?

No.

I only stop thieves.

Ellen, wait!

Don't do it.

He's not worth it.

Have you been following me?

You mustn't do it.

What? Do what, for heaven's sake?

Well, throw yourself in the river.

Who said anything

about throwing myself in the river?

Well, you did. I said, "where are you going?"

And you said, "to the river."

Well, no, I-I always come here

when I'm feeling depressed and unhappy.

I mean, there's something

about this playground and the children.

You mean you're not going

to throw yourself in the river?

Of course not.

Well, what's the matter?

You -- you seem disappointed.

No, no, it's just,

I did all that running and yelling and --

I have to admit it's kind of an anticlimax.

I've got to sit down somewhere.

Are you, um...

Are you married?

No.

Let's get married. Do you like me?

Well, yeah.

You've seen my place. Do you like it?

Yeah, but --

then let's get married.

I really wasn't thinking about getting married.

If I thought about it, Betty my secretary --

are you engaged to her?

Well, no.

Then you're free. So let's get married.

I thought you were kind of involved.

Well, I was, but no more.

Oh.

Listen, I'm great around the house.

I cook, I clean, I drive a car,

and I'm healthy.

See, no cavities.

How about that?

And I promise you, you'll never be bored.

Well, I can believe it.

Uh, why don't we think about it, hmm?

Oh, no. I haven't got time.

I'm 30 years old.

I wouldn't have admitted that

to my own mother.

Y-You certainly don't look it.

Well, it only happened today.

Oh.

Well, you would have found out

on the license anyway.

Ellen,

since I met you this morning,

I couldn't help noticing

that you're a very, um, impulsive girl.

I've only had two fiancés in my whole life --

Jules and -- and this one.

That's pretty darn clean for 30.

I mean, i-I'm -- I'm a nice person.

Sweet.

I think you're very sweet and very nice.

Good. Then we can go right down to city hall.

We'll go this afternoon.

This afternoon isn't good for me.

Then we'd be Mr. and Mrs. Cass Henderson.

Ha ha ha. Wouldn't they be surprised?

She wouldn't.

Oh, he would.

Oh, wouldn't he, though?

He's not the one.

I-I don't know Mr. Cleves.

No, I've never met Mr. Cleves.

I've been in love with Mr. Cleves

ever since I had the hepatitis.

Mr. Cleves is -- was --

my -- my fiancé before you --

after Jules.

You're not surprised.

No, no, I kind of figured he was the one --

after Jules.

You want a push?

John.

Ah, sweetheart, come right in.

Miss, uh, linsley said

you'd come in from short hills.

How was Cleveland? Or was it Detroit?

It was Columbus,

and it was 89 with scattered showers.

I know. You told me.

Oh, it's new, isn't it?

Yes.

John, you never told me you had an executive suite.

Oh, didn't I?

Oh, I must have mentioned it.

Or maybe I didn't.

It only cost 32 grand. Ha ha ha.

I'm not in the habit

of mentioning sums like that.

John, who did the decorating?

I don't know. I think we bought it furnished.

Was there anyone there when --

oh, John, the darlingest couple,

and it was so cute.

They were having a fight when I barged in.

Leave it to Dorothy cleves.

They were practically you-know-what when I left.

Who?

They. The Hendersons -- cass and Ellen.

And what exactly do you mean

by "practically you-know-what"?

Well, it's Mrs. Henderson's birthday,

and is there a better way to celebrate one's --

oh, John, I bought myself themost sumptuous coat.

Just a minute. Let me get this straight.

You bought yourself a coat because it was Ellen's --

uh, Mrs. Henderson's birthday?

No. Because they took the price down

more than half.

There's nothing more practical

than, sable, John. It's so all-purpose.

[ Sighs ]

I should have stayed in Columbus,

or was it Detroit?

For a year I wouldn't have anything to do with him

because he was married,

and then when I got the hepatitis,

he came to see me at the hospital every day.

The day I was discharged and he brought me home,

from floor to ceiling, nothing but balloons.

And that did it -- two years of wednesdays.

You're still in love with him.

Oh, no. No, that's all over.

I'm going to devote myself to you

and spend my life making you happy.

Oh, I'm quite happy right now just as I am.

It's absolutely burglar-proof. I designed it myself.

It's such a simple little gadget.

It's going to make me a fortune.

Oh, I'm glad you're ambitious

'cause I'm not.

A lot of people are going to be surprised by US.

Wait till you meet my mother.

Cass, let's fill the house with children, huh?

Lots of them right away.

You act like a hummingbird,

and you've got the soul of a little brown hen.

You just can't wait to climb into the nest

and sit down, can you?

I'm going to be so happy not being alone anymore

that I'm going to be a doll.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm so warm, I can't stand it.

You know, you are kind of adorable.

I think I'd better call my mother.

She lives in waterbury, Connecticut.

If Thursday is a bad day for color TV,

she can take the train here, and you can meet her.

Oh, boy, is it hot! Say, I need a shower.

I wonder if I could scrub up while I wait on my call.

Go ahead. There are plenty of soft towels.

Thank you.

Cass?

Yeah?

You know another great thing about being married?

What's that?

We can take showers together, and nobody --

nobody can point a finger.

Uh...

[ Tires screeching ]

Keep the change.

Mother, stop taking on so.

You know perfectly well

they always have an incurable disease

at the end of the program before the commercial.

In tomorrow's installment, they'll find a new doctor --

all right, where is he?

Goodbye, mother.

I called to congratulate you on my birthday.

Where is he?

Will you stop shouting?

For me, this is a normal conversational tone!

I want to know what's been going on here.

Where is he?

Excuse -- uh, um...

Clean shirt.

You haven't met yet.

Uh, John, this is cass Henderson.

Cass, this is John cleves.

Well, I've been waiting to talk to you, Mr. Cleves.

Oh, John, at least shake hands.

I wrote you six letters, you know.

I never received any letters.

Now wait a minute. Yes, you did.

The last three I sent special delivery registered.

I got the receipts right -- well, I got the receipts.

That way.

He has to get dressed.

I'm not through with you, cleves.

You'renot through with me?

Has he been here all day? Just the two of you?

Yes.

Alone?

Yes!

What the hell does he think he's doing?

He's being my husband

to protect you from your wife.

It's all for you.

I'll tell you what he can do for me.

He can get the hell out of here

and back to wherever he came from.

Oh, listen, baby...

I, uh, canceled my appointments.

You know what that means.

No, John, that won't work anymore.

We've reached the end of the road.

Say, what is this, cliché time on channel 5?

Reached the end of the road.

Whatever happened to

"we can't go on like this any longer"

or "it's better that we part friends"?

No.

You want to see those receipts?

No, I don't want to see those receipts,

and I've seen all of you I care to see.

Don't you talk that way

to the man I'm going to marry.

I know you manufacture some cockamamie gadget.

Cocka-- slip-on safety knobs.

Well, whatever it is,

there's a perfectly reasonable reason...

Your wife insulted my good taste.

Why we're closing you down next week.

Yeah, to establish a tax loss, that's why.

Oh, Henderson, when I buy a company --

and I buy them by the dozen --

every piece of information about that company --

rate of growth, unit cost, all that --

is fed into a 607.

A 6-0 what?

A 607 computer.

Apparently, cleves corporation

can function better

without Henderson machine and tool.

Nothing personal about it.

Nothing personal?

Your people come to akron six months ago,

they sweet-talk me into selling,

and they gave my brother and me

a 3-year contract to stay on and manage.

You'll be paid off in full.

I don't want to be paid off in full!

I am not a football coach.

I have not had a losing season.

Who else does she know

who has gladiola this time of year?

You close US down, no one will ever hear

of the slip-on safety knob.

Who do you think you're pulling?

He knows who he's pulling. I introduced you.

John cleves, that's who he's pulling.

Look at this.

It slips right on over the doorknob.

I'll close the door,

and you just try to open it.

Aren't you even going to try it?

Business is business. You made a deal.

Take your money and go build another business.

I tell you that thing is burglar-proof.

Oh, it is?

Yeah.

Well, Henderson, I've changed my mind.

Yeah?

I'm not closing you down next week.

You're through as of tomorrow morning!

What?

Oh, no, I'm not, cleves.

Oh, no. I never give up,

especially with something like the slip-on safety knob.

Henderson, 50% of every rocket going to the moon

is a product of cleves corporation,

and you talk to me about slip-on knobs.

My god, that's Dorothy's feet.

Voilà.

It is the most excruciatingly,

exquisitely beautiful example of bad taste.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Henderson.

I didn't see you standing there.

I saw you.

Hello, Mr. Henderson.

Oh, hi.

Don't you look domestic.

Oh, well, I was just relaxing in the garden.

Ellen, this is Felix.

How do you do?

Oh, my dear.

You're so wrong for this room,

so stark wrong.

I've persuaded Felix to redecorate this room.

For a perfectly outrageous fee.

Well, if this room's any indication,

the bedroom is probably the black hole of Calcutta.

Shall we square our shoulders

and have a look?

No. It's such a mess.

Everything is so rumpled.

Oh, do I gather you and Mr. Henderson

took my advice?

My dear, the rumpled beds

I've seen in my lifetime,

not to mention the beds I personally have rumpled.

But...

[ Jiggling doorknob ]

You try it, dear.

You're so much stronger than I am.

Oh, well...

No matter.

I just wanted one quick preliminary peek.

I already know what has to be done.

I'll send my truck Monday morning,

and we'll cart all this stuff away,

every single stitch.

Cart it away?

Where to?

I couldn't care less.

An auction gallery if they'll have it.

Come, Dorothy. I have an appointment.

Felix, couldn't we spare this?

It's rather sweet, hmm?

No, dear. We have to be ruthless,

absolutely ruthless.

Bye, Ellen.

Oh, bye, Mr. Henderson.

Goodbye, Mrs. Cleves.

I've just had the most brilliant idea.

John and I will take you both to dinner tonight --

our treat, of course.

Oh, oh, well, um...

It'll be my pleasure.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Mrs. Cleves, you mustn't change your plans for US.

We have no plans at all --

just killing an evening in town.

Your theater tickets.

Miss linsley will call the broker and cancel them.

Let's make a real night of it.

We'll meet at les etoiles, 8:00, hmm?

Now, just try not to be aware of your environment.

Next time you come to stay,

it'll be quite, quite different.

Won't it, Felix?

Dorothy, please. I'm getting nauseous.

Bye-bye.

Mrs. Henderson, how did you happen to know

I had theater tickets?

I don't remember mentioning that.

Didn't you?

Well, perhaps I did.

8:00, huh? Bye-bye.

John!

Get me out of here?

Did you hear what she said?

Yes. Why didn't you say you had a dinner date?

Not that, my furniture.

They're going to auction it off like slaves.

Get me out of here.

There's a little pin underneath the knob,

Mr. Cleves.

You just push up on it.

See how simple it is?

This cockamamie gadget just saved your life.

John, we're through.

And once more,

I am not leaving this apartment,

and if they so much as lay

one little finger on my furniture...

I hate you! I hate you!

Oh, Ellen, you're upset.

This is no time --

no. This is the man I'm going to marry.

We have everything in common,

and he loves children, too.

And my mother approved of him over the phone.

Do you mean to tell me --

I want you to take your things

and walk out of this room forever.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, you sweet man.

You must have gotten up

in the middle of the night

with your little helium kit

and blown up all these balloons.

Oh, John.

Oh, and coming to see me every day in the hospital

when I was so yellow.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, John, I love you.

What are you still doing here?

Well, I'm waiting to go out to dinner.

We have a double date, remember?

Mr. and Mrs. John cleves

and Mr. and Mrs. cass Henderson.

Have you finished your drink?

I'm down to the olive. Thanks for asking.

What makes you so jumpy?

I'm not in the least jumpy.

I just hate to be kept waiting, that's all,

and if they're not here on the dot --

Hello. Don't you look beautiful?

Thank you very much.

Not you -- Ellen.

Oh, well, in akron,

I'm considered the beautiful one.

Of course you two big businessmen

know one another.

It's good to see you again, Mr. Cleves.

Charmed, Henderson.

Ellen, may I present my husband John?

How do you do, Mr. Cleves?

How do you do, Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson, Mr. Cleves -- nonsense.

Ellen, John. John, Ellen.

Hello there, Ellen.

Hello there, John.

Won't you sit here, Ellen?

Okay, there we go.

No, no. Next to Mrs. Cleves.

Well, I'm used to sitting next to my wife.

In New York,

husbands do not sit next to wives.

There's not a law. If cass really wants --

no.

Good evening. May I take your order?

What would you like to drink, Ellen?

I don't care for anything, thank you.

You see, due to a strange set of circumstances,

I had rather a lot of champagne this afternoon.

Why does your voice sound so familiar to me?

Does it to you, John?

No. And what would you like?

I think I'll have a scotch sour, darling.

You just had a Martini.

I know, but --

they don't mix.

A Martini for Mrs. Cleves. Henderson?

If my wife is Ellen, I'm cass.

I'll have a daiquiri.

Absolutely the worst drink in this sort of weather.

I'm having Jack Daniels neat.

I recommend it to you. Two Jack Daniels neat.

Isn't he a tyrant?

Felix and I spent the afternoon

picking out materials. I promise you

the next time you two come to town,

you won't recognize the place.

Mrs. Cleves, there's something

I think I should tell you.

All of that horrible stuff --

my, my, my, my, look at that view.

Of course.

That's why I suggested les etoiles --

a spectacular display in all directions.

Out-of-towners love it.

John, why don't you give Ellen the tour,

and I'll show cass around?

Good idea.

What is it, just lights?

Oh, come on, John.

I'm sure cass and Ellen

have never seen anything like it.

Not in akron.

Oh, dear, I almost forgot.

Happy birthday from John and me.

If you don't like it,

cartier is terribly nice about exchanges.

Oh, I'm sure I'll like it.

Thank you, Mrs. Cleves.

Well, it's from John, too, of course.

Thank you, John.

I wanted you to remember today.

Uh, have fun.

Darn it.

Why did she have to give me a birthday present?

I was all ready to let her have it

about my apartment. A pillbox!

John, I've never had a pillbox.

If we don't look at those damn lights,

she'll get suspicious.

Two people thought of me today --

you and your wife.

And that's New Jersey.

And look to the right -- George Washington bridge.

How about that?

Isn't it glorious?

The pillbox did it.

John, I'm leaving you.

Now that I've met her, I'm so ashamed.

You're dramatizing,

and please pretend to look at the view.

I'm going to find a husband somewhere

and have lots of children,

and they'll gather around me and bake a cake.

Next year you'll open the closet door,

and there will be balloons.

You've been saying for years

that one of US should be strong enough

to break it off. Well, tonight I'm strong.

But -- radio city.

Ellen, don't you just love it?

She loves it.

But what would you do? Where will you go?

Go? John, I'm only leaving you.

You mean you'd stay in the apartment?

Of course. It's my home.

It was my home before I ever met you.

But do you realize that on Monday

Felix and Dorothy will --

not now, John,

not while I'm giving her you.

But she doesn't know that.

Well, tell her. And by the way, John,

I'd like my apartment back in my name,

and that is all I want. Nothing else.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

But, baby, let me come back tonight.

No, John. It's not Wednesday.

Besides, I wouldn't let you even if you could.

I'll get rid of Dorothy,

and you get rid of whatever his name --

here, put it on.

If Dorothy notices...

Nothing's more spectacular

than the George Washington bridge.

This whole evening's been spectacular.

[ People gasp ]

Well, the whole city's dark.

Oh, no, not again.

John, do you think they're planning

to make it an annual event?

Marriage is compromise.

For instance, I love bright colors.

John can't bear them.

I don't wear them.

Compromise.

That's compromise?

Well, according to John it is.

Oh.

Cass: I can wipe you out

with a few well-chosen words to Mrs. Cleves.

You can stop threatening me.

You know you're not going to do it.

What the hell have I got to lose?

That's my kind of ploy, not yours.

You won't because you haven't got the guts.

Dorothy: John, we need a light.

Our candles have gone out.

Stay right there, Mrs. Cleves.

I'm coming right down.

Mrs. Cleves?

Yes?

Be real careful going down these steps, huh?

All right.

[ Horns honking ]

John, are you comfortable in that jump seat?

Mm.

One grunt for yes, two for no.

John has one of those disc things

that pop in and out at the most inopportune times.

I've always thought it was psychosomatic,

but at that age, they all have something.

Do you mind not discussing my ailments?

Why don't we play a game?

We're obviously not going to move for hours.

Great. A game. How about charades?

Don't be a poop.

Ellen, it's your birthday, your party.

You choose.

I don't know any games for automobiles.

We can play the match game. Do you have any matches?

I don't want to play.

It's one of your favorites.

Not tonight it isn't.

Well, how about ghost?

I don't want to play. I want to sit and sulk.

Be a sport. You can start.

Well, just one then.

"X."

"Y." you next.

"Z."

"X," "y," "z"? I challenge.

It just seemed to come after "x," "y."

John loves to start with "x."

The word was xylophone, wasn't it, dear?

Usually is.

Now you're a third of a ghost.

I'm really so bad at games.

Why don't we try something else?

Let's go around and start a word

with the last letter of the word before.

I like that game.

I hate it.

We haven't played one game yet, dear.

All right, then, but only one. I start.

Mountain.

Never.

Red.

Darling.

Groan.

Groan. Nome.

You're out. That word starts with a "g."

Nome, Alaska, doesn't.

No proper names nor place names.

You're out. I start.

You always start no matter who --

isn't he dreadful?

He's learned he can get away with it, so he does.

Alternately.

Oh. I'm out.

Yellow.

That's very good, honeybun.

Um, wither.

Reply.

Yellow.

Sorry. You can't use the same word twice.

You're out. I start.

Just the two of US?

Mm-hmm. Stupid.

Diabolic.

You're out. The word is diabolical.

The dictionary says --

the dictionary is wrong. You're out. I win.

John, there's a blackout.

Everybody's friendly in a blackout.

All right.

I start.

Zahmahdah.

Zahmahdah?

I challenge there's no such word as zahmahdah.

Arabic. Means "you are a welcome guest in my house."

I win.

Arabic?

Who knows arabic?

John, really.

Anyone speak arabic?

I win, and that's enough games.

Just a minute now, cleves.

You might get away with that kind of thing

in your own social set,

but in the akron athletic club,

you'd be clobbered.

Are you by any chance suggesting --

I'm spelling it out for you.

I'd be glad to add a little punctuation.

You just try one comma, and period!

This is a game we play a lot in akron.

Do you know how it goes? Like this?

What a nice, bright girl you are.

Well, that's jolly. Now what do we do?

Well, on the click, you say the first thing

that comes into your mind,

and then you turn to the person next to you

as you say it,

and then he says the first thing

that comes to his mind after your word,

and if you miss the beat, you're out.

Couldn't be easier, and we can all play.

I suppose you two are sharks.

Ellen's played more than I have.

I don't really remember.

It's called free association.

Oh, like rorschach.

Do you want to start, John?

I don't want to play.

All right. You needn't. We'll play. Let's begin.

You start.

Okey-doke. Everybody ready?

Let's see now. Man.

Woman.

Child.

Nurse.

Sick.

Hospital.

Ether.

Smell.

Bad.

Good.

Rotten.

Egg.

Oh, I'm sorry. I missed a beat.

I just love it.

Now this time we play for real, huh?

I start.

Late.

Night.

Police.

Crook.

Man.

Liar.

Cheat.

Husband.

Master.

Mistress.

Marry.

Guilt?

Blackmail.

Secrets.

Kept.

Love.

Sex.

Fun?

No.

Yes.

No!

Why?

Yes, why?

Well, I don't know. Are we still playing?

Of course.

Look, traffic's moving.

We don't have to play anymore.

Boy, that was some game, that was.

I'm tired.

Cass, i-I'd like to be alone. Please?

Ellen, I feel responsible for you.

I know it's your life,

and if you want to put your neck

back in the noose, it's your neck,

but I got to at least try to stop you.

Why?

Because we're friends. I like you.

Friends. We almost got --

we almost got married this afternoon.

You're sweet, cass,

but I can take care of myself.

Oh...

Not with that guy, you can't.

You can't play his game any more than I can.

We play according to the rules.

He breaks them all then makes his own.

Well, well, well.

Your great and good friend

must have talked to the governor.

Well, that only lasted 4 1/2 hours this time.

That's progress.

She's really quite sweet, isn't she?

Who?

Ellen. Mrs. Henderson.

Rather dramatic, though --

those long white gloves with the fur on them,

the diamond necklace.

The necklace was rather bad taste.

Do you know what time it is? 1:30.

By the time we get to short hills and to bed,

it'll be time for me to get up

and catch the next train back here.

What are you leading up to, John?

Well, you better go home, and I'll go to the club.

That way, at least I can get

a couple of hours sleep.

I don't care what newsweekcalled him.

An eagle. Huh. Well, I'm no eagle.

No, you're not, but then, they're very scarce.

I don't want to be an eagle!

That's no sour grapes.

I'd rather be down here with the rest of the people

with normal human instincts and emotions, able to love,

living within the law.

He's no criminal.

He's got a good lawyer.

And he's no monster.

He's a human being with instincts and emotions,

and he canlove.

He loves me.

You certainly don't seem to know much about love.

I'm full of love! It's all right here.

It's just waiting on the right person

to come along.

Takes two, you know.

He's going to keep taking

as long as you keep giving, Ellen,

and he ain't giving nothing,

and I don't mean diamond necklaces.

Cass, please go away and leave me alone.

John is coming back.

No! What a waste --

all of that sweetness and love

going to that buzzard.

Sit down. You're always talking about children

and never doing anything about it.

This is a nest.

What is a nest without a mate?

You think you've got a visiting eagle?

You got a dirty old cuckoo bird!

Sit down. He's got his own nest,

patting his wife's Fanny that way.

He did not.

Oh, yes, he did, in the restaurant.

And he's still got to go around

stealing other people's eggs.

Eggs. You haven't got an egg to sit on.

Oh, honey, you can't win with him,

but you're so damned hung up.

You want to know what your hang-up is? Do you?

You're a 30-year-old child.

You only want what you can't have.

Ellen.

Cass: In here!

Oh. You're still here.

And I've got something to say to you.

Don't bother. I was about to say

you may have exactly what you want.

Henderson, your company will stay open,

and you may have sole control of management.

What?

Well, isn't that clear enough?

I'm giving you exactly what you've been shouting about.

Why?

To get you the hell out of here!

Oh, no. Your word doesn't mean anything, cleves.

I want it in writing.

Cass, he'll keep his word.

You're a great authority on his promises,

aren't you?

A deal is a deal, man. Don't be a bore.

Well, I hate to think I've been boring.

Cass.

Oh, cass.

Ellen, what I said to you just now, I --

it's not true.

Even if you win, you lose.

Jack Armstrong, the all-American boy.

Is he really gone?

I suppose it's difficult for you to understand

under the circumstances,

but he's a very nice person.

John.

Hmm?

Did you really?

Did I really what?

Pat Dorothy's Fanny?

Well, cass said you did.

Say, what is he, the FBI?

Well, yes, maybe I did.

After all, you're married to a person for 20 years,

it's just, um, a reflex action.

I never dreamed.

You never asked me.

Ask my lover if he sleeps with his wife?

What is that, some sort of friendly pillow talk?

Well, it doesn't happen often.

Yes, but it happens. That's the shocker.

How can you possibly sleep with one person

when you're supposedly in love with another?

Well, um...

It's easy.

It's for the children.

They like to watch?

It's because of the children

that Dorothy and I are still married.

You know that.

Yes, but why do you have to sleep with her?

Because if I didn't, it, uh,

just wouldn't be good for the children.

Why do we have to talk about it?

We do have to talk, John.

I'm here with you where I want to be,

with the most desirable woman in the world.

I don't like you, John.

I resent what you're doing to her.

To both of US.

Well, you're hurting her, and I'm part of it.

But she doesn't know I'm hurting her, so I'm not.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah, Ellen,

listen, is Dorothy a happy woman?

Well, is she?

You see, we're not hurting her.

We're not taking anything away from her.

In point of fact, having you in my life

makes me a happy, happy husband for Dorothy.

Far from hurting her, pet, we're helping her.

We are?

Of course.

If I didn't have you, Dorothy would be miserable.

I don't want to hurt her, but why should I help her?

I mean, she's a nice woman and everything,

but she's still your wife.

Sweetheart...

Sweetheart, I'm back!

Now what's going on?

Husband -- a husband shouldn't leave his wife

because of a quarrel when it's only the husband's fault.

What is this, more blackmail?

Um...dorothy.

John.

Oh!

Repeat after me --

Mrs. John cleves, one moment, please.

Chicago calling.

Oh.

Oh, hello, miss Gordon.

Good morning.

Oh, I, um, I'm going to be moving

at the end of the week,

and I'm not going to need any more milk.

You see, well, I'm getting married.

Oh, congratulations and best wishes.

Thank you.

Oh, miss Gordon?

I wonder if I could ask you a question.

Yes.

Well, you've been living in this apartment

for a long time,

and it was always a bottle of milk,

then suddenly, a couple of years ago,

it became on Thursday morning only

a bottle of milk and cream.

I wondered about that.

And of course, last week,

it was and cream every morning.

And you've been wondering about that, too.

Yes, miss Gordon.

You don't mind my asking, do you?

No, I don't mind you asking,

if you don't mind my not answering.

Oh, John,

I saw my gynecologist yesterday, too,

and he says I have a magnificent pelvis.

Isn't that nice?

He says I can have a baby a year

and drop them like peas out of a pod.

I am built like a Chinese peasant.

You are.

Isn't that great?

[ Sighs ]

Baby, why don't you just go on with the packing

so that movers can get in here, huh?

Do I have to take my flowers out?

No, you don't have to, but if you don't,

somebody else will have to.

After all, this will be the executive suite,

and cutesy touches are just nowhere.

John, why didn't you ever tell me

you thought they were cutesy?

Well, I never thought about them before

one way or another.

John?

Hmm?

Do you still love me?

Of course I still love you,

and I'll prove it.

We'll go out to dinner tonight.

Oh. You don't like my cooking.

Like your cooking? I love it.

I mean, that okra casserole you made last week

with cottage cheese and the poached egg

was superb.

You didn't even touch it.

I've been off my feet lately --

you know, losing that electronics deal,

then my back...

Well, I've got to run to the office.

You are not wearing your shoes.

Well, I never do if I can help it.

Hmm. I hadn't noticed that until lately.

You haven't been around much until lately.

Oh, is that why? Well, see you tonight, dear.

I've asked you to come together

to meet your new mistress.

Kathleen, you promised you'd be brave.

Yes, ma'am.

May I take your coat, miss?

Oh, thank you.

That's better.

Ellen, this is Kathleen, the upstairs maid,

Lillian, her assistant,

Mrs. Jennings, our housekeeper.

Of course you remember Jennings who drove you from the station.

It's nice to see you again.

I should have said the indispensable Mrs. Jennings.

She knows exactly what John wants for family dinners

and for entertaining.

Oh, you'll be entertaining

John's business associates and their wives

about three nights a week, most weekends.

Staff gets wednesdays off 'cause that's the one day

John's out of town on...Business. Ahem.

This is Sandra, the downstairs maid,

and Charles...

Charles, just what is it you do?

Oh, a little bit of everything,

Mrs. Cleves.

Oh, yes. And so important on a place this size.

This is Ingrid. Ingrid takes care of Eric,

who's our gardener and her husband.

Eric is the most superb gardener

in essex county.

He's famous for his snapdragons.

How do you do?

I have plastic ones at home.

Well, I-I have this thing about seeing flowers die.

Now I suppose you'll want to see the bedroom.

I was so surprised when you called me.

I was rather surprised myself.

You're absolutely right.

There's no reason why we shouldn't be friends.

I'm sorry you mentioned plastic flowers to Eric.

He's so temperamental,

and good gardeners are so hard to come by.

I think no woman has really had any luck with gardeners

since lady chatterly.

This is my suite.

Oh...lovely room.

Technically, John has a suite of his own,

but we've always sort of headquartered here.

I hope you'll have

the same sort of arrangement.

Please, sit down.

I'm rather nervous about meeting the children.

I hope they like me.

My dear, they like anything pretty,

even poison oak.

Oh, I didn't mean...

When will they be home from school?

Oh, about the middle of June,

right after exams.

Right after exams?

I thought they went to nursery school.

Nursery school?

Didn't John tell you about them?

Johnny's at Harvard,

and Debbie's at Bryn mawr, my Alma mater.

Oh.

I thought they were younger --

a lot younger.

Johnny's taller than his dad,

and Debbie's about to get herself engaged.

Dear, what's the matter?

Oh, a staff, 37 rooms, a wine cellar --

it's just not the way

I always thought of being married.

Oh, I'm afraid it's the only way

to be married to John.

Are there really 37 rooms?

Give or take a sitting room.

Why don't we go and count them?

If the train's on time, I'll be able

to make my fitting at maximillian's.

Wasn't it dear of John to let me have the coat?

Sort of a bon voyage gift, you might say.

Mrs. Cleves --

Dorothy.

Dorothy, yes.

Dorothy, when you come back from Reno,

where are you going to live?

Oh, I don't know. I'll travel a bit.

All I need is a small place in town

to hang my clothes.

Why don't you take my place? No, seriously.

The present tenant is moving out,

and it's owned by the company,

and therefore it's...

Tax deductible.Tax deductible.

I love it. It's a marvelous idea.

I'll have another look at the place.

Certainly, any time you say.

Today, if you like.

Well, let's see.

There's the fitting and then the dinner date.

In between, I thought I'd check into a hotel

and have a bath and freshen up.

Why don't you use the apartment?

I'm not going to be home until at least 6:30.

There are thick towels and bath salts,

even bubbles, if you like.

How sweet of you.

Such a bother checking in and out of a hotel

just for a bath,

and, oh, I do love bubbles.

[ Door closes ]

Ellen?

Ellen?

Oh, John.

What are you doing here?

Taking a bath at Ellen's invitation.

What are you doing home at this hour?

I just got word.

I've got to go to Milwaukee immediately --

business.

Hello? Miss Ellen Gordon?

One moment, please. Milwaukee calling.

Oh, John, you're not starting that already

with that poor girl.

No, no, no, this is really legitimate.

I mean, I really have to fly

to Milwaukee on business, honest.

Well, if I were you, I wouldn't give her

the weather report when I telephoned her tonight.

She may not be as dumb as I was.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm getting out of the tub.

So what? In 20 years of married life,

I must have seen you at least a thousand times

getting out of the tub.

May I remind you,

you no longer have the right legally

to see me getting out of the tub.

Oh, knock it off. Don't tell me

you're going to stand on a technicality.

I most certainly am, darling.

Oh.

[ Door rattling ]

Oh, damn, damn, damn!

What's the matter?

Oh, it's that damn slip-on knob.

I've been locking myself in all week.

Well, obviously, it isn't going to do you much good

to keep rattling that knob.

Ellen said she wouldn't be back until 6:30.

6:30? Oh.

Well, who was it said

that if something or other is inevitable,

relax and enjoy it.

Turn your back. I'm going to get dressed.

What's the sense in getting dressed?

You're not going anywhere. You're locked in.

Well, when I'm unlocked,

I'd rather not be found undressed.

Hi.

Cass! Oh!

Oh, I never thought I'd see you again.

Well, I came by your place.

There was no answer, so I came here.

How did you know I'd be here?

I know it's a hangout of yours,

especially when you're unhappy.

I'm not unhappy. I'm terribly happy.

Dorothy's going to Reno,

and I'm going to live in a 37-room house,

and, well, I'm terribly happy.

Well, I'm terribly happy you're terribly happy.

What time is it?

A little after 6:30.

Let's go home, huh? I'll make you a drink.

Still champagne?

Yeah, from last night. I hope you don't mind.

I love it flat.

Okay. You know, we've had dinner home

every night this week,

and John just loves my cooking.

Oh, cass, it's so great

being together all the time,

and, oh, cass, it is such a relief

to be going straight.

I understand the settlement's

all ready to sign.

I wonder if you realize how all this bugs me.

When we met

in Pete Mitchell's office Friday morning --

you and I across a table,

all that legal razzmatazz,

the end of a life together.

I know, I know.

When we discussed the mausoleum,

I'd always pictured US side by side --

you and I and Debbie and Johnny.

You make it sound like a bus ride.

It's a very serious thing.

Of course it is, dear.

Yes, it's all very unsettling --

my whole family together in my family's mausoleum

and me rattling away somewhere by myself.

You won't be by yourself, dear.

You'll be with Ellen.

Ellen will probably want to be with her own people.

You always want to be with your own people.

Maybe you could invite Ellen to be with US.

Then we'd all be in one place together.

That's very thoughtful, but, darling,

let's not do anything impulsive.

We could try a separation --

legal, of course.

You'd be free, I'd be free,

and we could still file a joint return.

No, John. You can file a joint return

with Ellen -- same thing.

Oh, no, it isn't.

I'll arrange it the first thing on my agenda.

We don't want too full an agenda, do we, dear?

I'll, uh...

Go right for the champagne.

Oh, okay. Here, let me take that.

Thank you.

These your glasses?

Uh-huh.

Ha ha ha.

They help your eyes?

Enormously.

See? Don't I look like a wife?

Oh, yep, sure do.

Well, it looks like you're moving.

Yeah, this really is going to be

the executive suite now.

Till I get married,

I'm going to live in a hotel.

You're happy about that, too?

Very happy.

Boy, I've been thinking about these flowers all week.

I was beginning to think I dreamed it,

but, no, there they are.

Ellen, Ellen, how does your garden grow?

Buy them at the store and tie them on.

Cass?

Do you think they're cutesy?

What's cutesy?

Oh, you know, uh...

Cutesy.

I think you're cutesy.

You look real clean.

And your glasses -- you look great.

That's because I'm so happy.

I said it before, and I'll say it again.

I'm happy you're happy.

I've never been so happy --

never.

I didn't think anybody...

[ Sobbing ] Could be this happy.

What's the matter, honey?

What's the matter, sweetie?

I know his back hurts him,

and he lost his electronics deal.

Oh, he wants electronics now, huh?

He sure as hell wanted me.

Oh! Sometimes I think

he doesn't even like me anymore.

Oh, well, now...

We never make love.

Oh.

We used to stay up all night making love.

Well, then why don't you talk to him about that?

I did! I did.

He said that was one night a week,

and the next day he was like a zombie.

Now I don't even get

the one night I used to have.

Oh, now, honey,

sex is a lot in the head, you know.

If he's got things on his mind,

well, I mean, a guy's got to be in the mood.

He's always in a mood.

Oh, is he?

He mopes around and hardly ever talks to me.

Well...

He comes home.

He has dinner and works on his papers.

Then he says he has to get some sleep,

and before I can even say good night,

he's snoring.

Oh, well, you knew he snored.

How would I know? He never slept.

Oh.

I know it's a big adjustment for him and all

and the morning papers and everything.

Yes. What's that got to do with it?

Well, you see, he has all these habits.

Uh-huh.

He used to read the morning papers

on the train going to New York,

and now he's all mixed up,

and he doesn't know when to read them.

And then last night

they were full of nail Polish

from when I did my toenails.

I don't know why he got so mad.

I didn't get any on the financial page.

No, no.

And he hates every white cottage I find.

And every time I mention our children,

he just freezes.

And when I told him

how the doctor raved about my pelvis --

my pelvis -- he wasn't even excited!

He doesn't appreciate how important

a good pelvic measurement is to a woman.

No, he doesn't, sweetheart.

Oh, I've been so miserable,

and I couldn't tell anybody.

Well, well, well...

Oh, cass, I'm so happy to have you for a friend.

So am I, honey.

Yes. I-I feel so close to you.

Sure you do.

I wonder what's keeping Ellen.

She said 6:30.

No sense of time, that girl.

Cass, I love John.

John, we are getting a divorce,

and you're going to marry that poor girl.

No, you don't, honey. He's wrong for you.

I do, and he's not.

The poor man is just, well...

You're very upsetting.

Upset, that's all.

Thank you for being so comforting.

Comforting?

Comforting.

I'm sorry I got so unnerved.

I just sort of slopped over, didn't I?

Let's just forget it.

What brings you to New York this time?

You. All week I've been seeing

purple flowers and balloons

and diamond necklaces.

Oh, cass, please don't.

I may not be the right guy for you,

but neither is that --

please stop.Please stop.

Okay, okay.

He's got glamour.

I'm willing to admit that.

He's an important man.

He's charming, attractive,

highly intelligent, amusing.

Okay, all right, he's all of those things,

but then, so are you,

and, besides, you're lovable.

Oh, honey, you know,

there are a thousand guys who could love you

if you'd let them --

I mean, me, for instance.

I'm not a big deal.

I'm not glamorous, but I'm a man,

and I know how to love you

and take care of you

and be responsible for you.

That's more than you can say for John cleves.

You marry him, you don't need a baby.

You got one.

Yes, John is like a boy.

That's why I love him, and he loves me, too.

What if he doesn't?

How about US?

Well, I'll be at the commodore.

I've got to go down into the office

and then see your husband about some --

he's not my husband yet.

Whatever he is,

I got to see him about some papers.

You don't know it, but you got

Rose-colored glass in these.

[ Gasps ]

Hotel. Hotel...

Commodore.

Ellen. Ellen.

Oh, I'm so glad your back is so much better.

Oh, Ellen, be fair. We were locked in.

No radio, no -- no television,

no newspapers, no magazines.

What else could we do?

Tell me about little Johnny and little Debbie.

I'm sure they are the only college students

in the country with their little arms

flung out over their little heads.

They're very, uh, precocious.

Oh, Ellen, listen.

You listen.

I don't want 37 rooms and a wine cellar

and a husband that can't even resist his own wife.

I guess it's my turn to say I'm sorry.

Thanks so much for the use of the tub.

Not to mention --

no, no, please. Don't mention it. Bye.

Dorothy.

Ellen?

John?

We've had some wonderful times together,

and I want to thank you.

My pleasure.

Dorothy!

Dorothy, you can't just run off like that!

John, you're devastatingly attractive,

and you could charm a snake,

but I'm afraid you're very poor husband material.

At least have dinner with me sometime.

It's a delicious idea. Why not?

When I'm in town,

and you're feeling like fun,call me...

Any Wednesday.

I'd like to leave a message for Mr. Henderson.

Cass Henderson.

Just tell him I don't need balloons anymore.

Balloons.

You want balloons?

Thought I gave up, did you?

I never give up.

Here -- balloons.

♪ One more letter

♪ makes it better

♪ tack a "d" upon the "we"

♪ and you get wed

♪ that spells heaven

♪ how does it sound to you?

♪ Pick your Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday will do

♪ pick your Wednesday

♪ any Wednesday

♪ will do

♪ will do

♪ will do