Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) What's the matter, Bob?

Still upset your dental hygienist got a breast

reduction?

Nah, that's old news.

Sad, but old.

Bob just came from the doctor's office.

It's not good.

What's the matter, Bob?

My doctor's dead.

Why does everything happen to me?

Yeah, I think you put your finger on

the real loser in that story.

Yeah, isn't Bob the real loser in any

story?

I'm talking about Doc Hendricks, my pediatrician.

He brought me into this world and now

he's dead.

At least the punishment fit the crime.

So now I have to find a new

doctor.

There was only someone Bob knew.

Someone Bob trusted.

But who?

Who?

Who, I ask you?

What are you, dense?

No, I get it.

I just don't want to do it.

Oh, come on.

What's the big deal?

Just find another doctor.

I can't afford it.

Doc Hendricks was treating me for free.

Well, not free.

Sort of like a barter system.

I did odd jobs around his office and...

Wait a minute.

We can do that.

I can fix things for you.

You're the super of my building.

You're supposed to be fixing things for me

now.

Supposed to.

I mean, I'm supposed to be rich and

hanging out with a better class of people.

But that hasn't worked out either.

Look, I'll fix things in your apartment and

your office.

No.

Come on, I thought you took an oath

to help people.

I had my fingers crossed.

You'll be getting handyman services for free.

Ah, the magic word.

All right, Bob.

Yeah, I'll do that.

We'll start with the broken window in my

exam room.

But you have to fix it or the

deal's off.

Look, if I say I'll do something, I'll

do it.

All right, that didn't sound right to me

either.

But I promise, I'll fix the window.

You know, this barter thing might work for

me, too.

I mean, I hate the treatment I get

from that HMO.

Who cares if he's gay?

At least you have a doctor.

Maybe I can get in on this.

What do you say, Becker?

You be my doctor, and I'll give you

food.

Yeah, and I'll give you magazines, gum, and

cigarettes.

Look, let me get this straight.

All I have to do is treat you,

and you'll feed me, and you'll give me

cigarettes and magazines and cigarettes?

Yeah.

What do you say?

All free?

Yeah, free.

What don't you get?

Oh, I get it.

I just like hearing it.

All right, fine, yeah.

We got a deal.

Oh, thanks for breakfast.

Oh, look, a little something for you.

I'll just go over here and get a

couple of candy bars or later, and I'll

be on my way.

Well, what do I get in exchange?

What about the doctor part?

What?

Oh, yeah, all right.

Diet, exercise, don't smoke, and stay away from

the caffeine.

Margaret, where have you been?

I'm sorry.

My train was late.

Well, come on.

There's 15 messages on the machine.

Oh, I hope they're all from Julie.

Me, too.

If she ever figures out that she's got

the wrong number, the fun is over.

Hit it.

Phil?

Are you there, Phil?

It's me, Julie's office, you bastard.

I hate you.

Phil, baby, I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

I really do.

Call me.

Think a little thing, isn't she?

You know what?

I don't need you to be happy.

I hope you die.

I don't think she means that.

Oh, Phil, I didn't mean that.

I can't live without you.

If you don't call me, I don't know

what I'll do.

You don't think she'll do anything stupid, do

you?

I really think she's stronger than that.

She'll get it together.

Well, it's Julie.

Just calling to let you know that Cheryl's

here and we're going out to party.

See ya.

Look, it's amazing how tuned in you are

to her emotions.

Well, I like to think I'm pretty perceptive.

Plus, I listened to the messages before you

got here.

Check this one out.

Phil, remember how much you said you liked

my hair?

Well, I shaved my head so hot.

And another thing...

Morning.

Morning.

I can't believe you're still wasting your time

listening to that lunatic's phone messages.

We absolutely were not.

And even if we were, it's only because

we can't stop.

Good cover.

You guys are pathetic.

You know, the next time that psycho calls,

explain it's a wrong number.

And for God's sake, tell her to get

a life.

Oh, she did.

Last night, she went out partying with Cheryl.

Cheryl?

Didn't Phil date her before he met Julie?

No, no, no.

My mistake.

That was Shelley, her half-sister.

That's right, Shelley.

You listened to the messages, too?

I have to.

There could be a medical emergency on there.

Oh, shut up.

Bob's waiting for you in room two.

I just left him in the diner.

That's impossible.

You know you're right.

He's in room one.

You were in the diner when I left.

How'd you beat me here?

I walked.

But unlike you, I don't stop and wheeze

every fourth step.

What do you want, Bob?

Well, I figured since you're my doctor, I'd

come on over and ask you about this

little stomach thing I've got.

What do you mean?

Well, I got this little tickle right about

here.

All right, I'll examine you and run a

few tests.

Tests?

Doc Hendrick would just tell me it's nothing,

then take out the puppet and give me

a shot.

Yeah, first of all, I don't use puppets,

Bob.

And second, I'm not gonna say it's nothing

until I've done my evaluation.

You know, blood tests, x-rays, that kind

of thing.

Oh, come on.

Where are my damn gloves?

Wow.

Tests, gloves, no puppet.

That's pretty high tech.

Wait till we get to the prostate exam.

Oh, by the way, that's the window I

want you to fix right there.

Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it.

So, you want me to take my clothes

off now?

Has anyone ever said yes to that?

I just wanted to see what you'd do,

which was nothing.

Hi, this is Mr. Rothman.

I think I may have twisted my ankle.

Ah, he's not going anywhere.

Oh, that's it.

You know, this whole Julie thing has gotten

way out of control.

You know, this is a doctor's office, not

a...

What's going on here?

Will somebody answer the phone?

Don't worry, that machine will get it.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

Yeah, you want Julie to leave another crazy

message, don't you?

Yeah, doctor's office.

No, Julie, this is not Phil.

You have the wrong number.

This is a Dr. John Becker, not a

pre...

What?

No, I can't imagine why Phil would give

you the wrong number.

Now, look, I...

You...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't...

Stop crying.

Stop...

There, there.

There, there, sweetheart.

Now, listen to me.

You know, you need to forget Phil.

You know, and have a little respect for

yourself.

Now, see?

Now, isn't that better?

Ah, all right.

Well, you're welcome.

You take care.

Freak.

Great.

Fun thing number 50 is destroyed.

Here you go, Jake.

I brought you a shopping bag.

Fill her up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you talking about?

Our new barter system.

You know, hand me some magazines.

Oh, okay.

Which ones?

Bottom row.

Since when do you read Oprah's magazine?

What, don't I deserve to live my best

life?

So all of these are for you?

Uh, my waiting room.

My patients are getting tired.

They're reliving Watergate.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, Reg, I can't stay for lunch.

Could you send over, uh, two cheeseburgers, french

fries, and, oh, you know what?

Maybe a chocolate milkshake.

Now, I'm assuming delivery's included.

Problem?

Yes, there's a problem.

You've been stuffing yourself for days, and what

do I get in return?

Nothing.

I-I thought we had a deal.

I know, but I haven't needed a doctor

once.

It isn't fair.

Well, relax.

Maybe one day you'll be very, very sick.

You better hope so.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Oh, Jake, what happened?

I was cutting a string on a stack

of newspapers, and I just nicked my hand.

Ow.

Ooh, boy, that's got to hurt.

Yeah, it does, but luckily my doctor's standing

right here, so why don't you live up

to your end of the deal and check

me out?

Oh, all right, fine, fine.

Give me the first-aid kit.

Here.

That's it?

My first-aid kit's propping up the stove.

Of course it is.

Here.

Oh.

It doesn't look so bad.

When was your last tetanus shot?

I don't know, a couple years ago?

Oh, you'll be fine.

Keep some pressure on that.

Okay.

If it gives you a problem, call me.

I'll get you on some antibiotics.

Becker, it's already been three days.

Where are my test results?

They haven't come in yet.

Yeah, you remember, we lost the day because

I had to sedate you to draw blood.

When they come in, I'll call you.

Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do

while I'm waiting?

Well, you can go over to my office

and fix the damn window.

I'll get to it.

Yeah, we'll see that you do.

You know, clearly, this is news to you,

but a barter system is a two-way

street.

It's not just take, take, take.

You know, that's wrong.

What's the deal?

You out of scones?

Why won't you call me?

Is that Julie again?

I told her Phil wasn't here.

Oh, she's not calling Phil.

Listen to this.

You can't just play with my emotions like

that and then ignore me.

John, I need you so badly.

Oh, that's just great.

What did I do to deserve this?

You were nice to her.

Just your luck.

The one person you picked to be nice

to.

Bob's in room one.

Oh, yeah, my day just gets better and

better.

Okay, got your lab results back.

As far as your stomach pain goes, I

can rule out anything serious.

Thank God.

I'm guessing indigestion or what we in the

medical profession call Reggie's cooking.

There's just one test I want the lab

to recheck, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing.

Wait, wait, recheck?

Recheck what?

I don't follow.

Well, your liver enzyme's slightly elevated, but it

may just be a little viral infection.

Infection?

I never got an infection from Doc Hendrick's

puppet.

How long these tests gonna take to get

back?

Relax, it'll be a few days, that's all.

What am I supposed to do in the

meantime?

I'll tell you what I tell all my

patients.

Fix my damn window.

What are you doing here?

Going out of my mind.

I got a rash all over my body.

All right, let me check.

Oh, my God, this itching is killing me.

It's probably a reaction to that antibiotic I

gave you.

So you gave me this rash?

It's a side effect.

It happens.

I'll give you a prescription for an antihistamine.

You'll clear it right up.

You know, it's almost like the cure was

worse than the disease.

It's kind of funny when you think about

it.

I'd be laughing my ass off if I

wasn't so busy scratching it.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask.

How's your finger doing?

Not that one.

Morning, Dr. Becker.

Morning.

Any messages?

From patients?

No.

From Julie, there were 23.

That nut called me 23 times?

Why?

She's upset with you.

And then she's not.

And then she is.

Dana, you know, why do lonely, pathetic women

always glom onto me?

Becker, I need you.

I'm finally sick.

So, now is payback time.

Start treating me.

Well, hold on, hold on.

What are your symptoms?

Headache, stuffy nose, scratchy throat.

Well, it sounds to me like you got

a cold.

Take aspirin, drink water, and get plenty of

rest.

That's it?

What a rip-off.

You've been peeing out of the diner for

days.

Aren't you at least gonna shine a light

in my eyes or hit me with a

hammer?

As tempting as that sounds, it'd be a

waste of time.

Now, go home.

Get into bed.

Call me tomorrow.

But what if I'm all better by then?

Hey, you know, there are a lot of

terrible things going around.

Keep a good thought.

Maybe you'll get worse.

How could I get worse?

I'm coughing, I'm sweating, my nose is running,

and I can't stop sneezing.

Oh, by the way, here's your lunch.

I'll be in my office.

You're still gonna eat that?

Hey, free is free.

What the hell are you doing?

You're my doctor.

I'm making a house call.

This is not a house call.

This is trespassing.

No, it's not.

I have keys.

What do you want, Bob?

It's about my liver problem.

You said it was nothing?

Well, I went online to check it out.

Yeah, it must have been a shock to

discover the Internet wasn't just porn.

One crisis at a time, okay?

Did you know that you only have one

liver and if you lose it, you die?

Yes, it was a question on the doctor

test.

I'm sure you're fine.

Go away.

I can have a fatal disease.

There's a whole list of symptoms.

Fatigue, agitation, nausea.

Are you nauseous?

I was when I saw the list.

Will you trust me?

I'm a trained medical professional.

Now, go away.

What the hell kind of doctor are you?

That antihistamine you gave me, you could have

told me it would make me drowsy.

It was printed in giant letters on the

label, you moron.

Oh, I may be so tired, I fell

asleep while I was shaving, smacked my head

against the mirror.

Wait a minute, you're blind.

Why do you shave in front of a

mirror?

That's where the good light is.

Look at this bump.

Okay, all right, all right.

Just stay off your feet and put some

ice on that until the swelling goes down.

I'll give you a prescription for a topical,

non-drowsy ointment that'll relieve the itching.

You'll be fine, you know, just relax.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

You know, I got half a mind to

sue you for malpractice.

If I could only find an attorney that

would represent me for cigarettes and magazines, oh,

boy.

You know what?

Bob's starting to worry.

Maybe you're a lousy doctor.

Hey, you know something?

I've done a lot of things in my

life I'm not proud of, but I'm damn

proud of being a good doctor and of

how much I care for my patients.

John Becker, you heartless bastard!

You don't care if I live or die!

I hate you!

Okay, see, she's not my patient.

How could she be?

She's still alive.

I'm not gonna believe this, but that psycho

Julie called my apartment last night.

What?

How'd she get your number?

That's what I'd like to know.

Hey, I didn't give it to her.

She called her after you left and she

wanted your number, but I said, no way.

Good.

I told her she'd have to call directory

assistants and ask for John Becker on Caden

Avenue, and she knew herself.

Margaret, I swear to God.

John, John.

If your privacy is so important to you,

why didn't you get an unlisted number?

Oh, yeah, maybe you got $1.75 to

blow every month, but I don't.

Your favorite patients in one.

Oh, God.

All right, Becker.

Give it to me straight.

Well, your test came back.

No, don't.

Sugarcoat it.

Bob, I'm trying to...

No, I can take it.

No, I can't.

Bob, the test came back and they were

negative.

Negative?

Negative means nothing's wrong.

You're fine.

I'm fine?

Yes, and if you want to stay that

way, you'll fix my window.

Oh, now what?

Dr. Becker, want to laugh?

Listen to Jake talk?

What's going on?

You bathed.

At first, you mean I bathed me itchy.

Then you mean I didn't bathe me steamy.

Isn't it hysterical?

I know that, but I'm fine.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

From what I've been able to piece together,

you gave him an antibiotic that made him

itchy, then an antihistamine that made him sleepy.

Yeah, I smacked my head.

Right, and he smacked his head.

You gave him something else, which seems to

be incompatible with some seasickness medicine he took.

Oh, and it did something to his tongue.

No kidding.

What, what, what seasickness medicine?

Skapolamine.

Skapolamine?

Why, why, why are you taking skapolamine?

I had to go to Staten Island.

Anybody?

Staten Island.

Yeah, visit my husband.

I...

I definitely heard the word onion.

Wait, wait, wait, relax.

All right, all right, I get it, I

get it.

You had to take the ferry to Staten

Island to visit a...

an onion, and then...

you got seasick, so you took skapolamine.

Mm-hmm, exactly.

Right.

Well, I'm afraid, Jake, there's nothing I can

do for you.

You know, you're just gonna have to stay

on dry land until all the side effects

clear up.

Good day, pal.

He said Gus Grier, sir.

Thank you very much.

Oh, geez, are you still here?

Look, Becker, even though the test came back

negative, there's still no explanation for my symptoms.

We should start over.

Bob, we're not starting over.

You're supposed to be taking care of me.

Oh, for God's sake.

The doctor's office.

Oh, crap.

Come on, Becker.

Julie, Julie, don't start with me.

Look, I'm serious.

I'm not feeling so good.

Julie, can you hold on one second?

Bob, your problems are all in your head.

A brain tumor?

Why didn't you tell me?

Julie, Julie, you really got to stop calling

me.

This is driving me nuts.

Fine, you don't care.

Why can't I find someone who understands me,

who understands my pain?

Hey, you know what?

Hold on a second.

Bob, come here.

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

I think I just found the understanding person

you've been looking for.

Here, talk to her.

Hello?

Burger and fries, right?

And a potato.

If it doesn't turn into a burger and

fries in two days, call me.

Hey, it's more than you did for me.

What's the matter with you?

You want to be sicker?

I just want my money's worth.

Hey, Jake.

Oh, hey, Jake.

You feeling better?

Yeah, John, I'm feeling much better.

No thanks to you.

What?

You know, he almost killed me.

With you, at least he made an effort.

Well, it turned out to be a very

tricky case.

Yeah, right.

It was a boo-boo on my pinky.

Oh, you know, so that's it.

You know, all I get is hassles, headaches

and aggravation.

And for what?

Greasy food and stale mints?

As far as I'm concerned, this whole barter

system is officially over.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

From now on, if you can't pay for

it, you suck it up and do without.

That's the tried-and-true system of have

-and-have-nots that made this country great.

You really take it that?

Hey, freeze free.

Hi, this is Julie.

Leave a message.

Julie?

It's Bob.

I keep calling, but you never call me

back.

I thought we had something special.

Why are you avoiding me?

I need you so bad.

You know I have a bad liver.

Freak.

Freak.

You know I have a bad liver.

Freak.

You know I have a bad liver.

Freak.

You know I have a bad liver.