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Mrs. Elliot Colter, Mrs. Elliot Colter, telephone.

Wilma Kaye, Wilma Kaye, to the front desk, please.

Wilma Kaye, Wilma Kaye, front desk, please.

Would you mind holding my glasses?

What did you say?

Would you mind holding my glasses?

Sure.

I told you not to get them wet.

No, I don't care.

- Over and over again.

Didn't I buy you your own?

I don't like them glasses!

These are much too big for you.

I don't like them.

- What's the matter with you?

- Come on, Brenda, let's go!

We're late!

- Coming.

Miss Robin Pelish, Miss Robin Pelish,

to the first tee, please.

- Hey!

Hey!

You forgot your glasses.

- Brenda, come on!

- I'm coming.

Mrs. Sidney Kohn, Mrs. Sidney Kohn, telephone.

- Hey, Doris, do you know her?

- Why?

- Doris, I give you my word.

I won't embarrass you.

I promise.

- If you call her up,

so help me, I will never ask you here again!

So help me, never again!

- Ahhh.

- Hi, sweetie. - Ah, here he is,

the playboy from the country club.

- Ooh, delicious, delicious.

Don't put the towel on the furniture.

- Where's the phone book?

- Which one? - The suburban phone book.

Suburban, suburban.

Under the leg of the sideboard.

Who are you calling?

- A girl I met today.

- Oh, Doris introduced you?

- Doris wouldn't introduce me to the man

who drains the pool.

- Very nice how you talk about a cousin.

Oh, look what time it is.

Your Uncle Mike's gonna be home soon,

and I didn't even feed you yet.

- Aunt Gladys, why don't we all eat together for once?

- Sure, I should serve four different meals!

You with pot roast, Susan with the cottage cheese,

Uncle Mike's got steak.

Friday night is his steak night.

I wouldn't deny him.

And all I'm having is a little cold chicken.

So I should jump up and down, up and down, up and down?

What am I, a workhorse?

- Hey, Gladys.

This may come as a big surprise to you,

but in some families, everybody sits down at the same time,

they all eat the same thing.

- Big shot.

Call your girlfriend.

- Shh, is Brenda there?

- 20 years, I'm running this house.

- Quiet, quiet, quiet!

Um, is Brenda there?

- Supper's ready! - Quiet!

Um, uh, when do you expect her in?

No, this is nobody.

- It's getting cold!

- Come on!

Um, there's no message.

No, I-I'm s-sorry.

- Come, sweetheart, eat.

- Make sure you do that.

Keep it straight.

This has got to be straight.

- Hello. - Hi, honey.

Hey, I thought you were driving golf balls tonight.

I drove them already.

- Okay.

Good girl.

Now try...

- I thought you were driving golf balls.

- I drove them already.

- Are you having dinner with us tonight?

I'll eat later.

I'm meeting Simp for tennis in half an hour.

- Is that my phone or your phone or Ronald's phone?

Your phone.

- They all sound alike to me.

Hello.

Who's calling, please?

Just a minute.

Brenda.

Do you know anybody named Klugman?

- Klugman?

- Unless I didn't understand him right.

- Hello?

- Carlotta.

- Hello, Brenda?

Brenda, you don't know me.

That is, you don't know my name.

I held your glasses for you at the club today.

I'm not a member.

You asked me to.

My cousin Doris is, Doris Klugman.

- Doris? - Uh, yeah.

She's the one who's always reading "War and Peace."

That's how we know it's summer,

when Doris is reading "War and Peace."

- What did you say your name is?

- Neil Klugman.

You asked me to hold your glasses

at the board, remember?

- What do you look like?

Well, I'm kind of dark.

- Are you a negro?

- No, I'm a Sagitarian.

- What do you look like?

- Listen, can I pick you up tonight and show you?

- I'm playing tennis tonight.

- How about after tennis?

- I'll be sweaty after. - I don't mind.

Can I come see you tonight?

- Okay.

Briarpath Hills.

Do you know where that is?

Around 8:15.

- Okay.

I'll be driving a blue convertible so you'll know me.

How will I know you?

- I'll be sweaty.

- Come home early.

- Where are you going?

- Out, out, out!

Don't forget to lock the door when you come in!

- Never.

- Always running. - Where is he going?

- Don't forget to lock the door when you come in!

- Where are you going?

Don't stay out late!

Where is he going?

- Always running. - Where is he going?

- Always.

Game, five-four.

Brenda!

Brenda!

- Neil, listen, I want one more game, okay?

I'll be there in a minute.

Not necessarily.

My serve.

15-love.

It hit the line. - No, it didn't.

It's out. - You're absolutely wrong.

- Do you mind? - All right, go on, go on.

My game.

Deuce.

Come on, Simp, get going!

My ad.

Game!

I won!

Neil?

- Hi, hello.

- This is Simp.

Neil Klugman.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Great, great game.

Can we drop you off somewhere?

- Oh, no thank you.

I'm perfectly capable of finding my own way, thank you.

- Who's Miss Nice?

- That's Laura Simpson Sockaloe, otherwise known as Simp.

- Why not Socko?

- Because Simp is her Bennington name.

Is that where you go to school?

No, she does.

Where do you go to school?

- Boston. - University?

- Radcliffe.

What does your cousin Doris look like?

- Doris is dark, and she's, um-

- is she a negro?

- We don't know.

- I guess I don't know her.

Is she a new member?

- I guess so.

They just moved to,

They just moved to Westchester a couple of years ago.

- Oh.

- Hey, do you remember me holding your glasses now?

- Yeah, I think I do.

Do you live in Westchester, too?

- Bronx.

- Oh, we lived there when I was a baby.

- Say, listen, Bren-

- Hmm?

- How come you rush the net only when it's dark?

- Oh, you noticed that?

Simp the Simpleton doesn't.

- I couldn't figure that out.

Well, I just don't want to be too close

unless I'm sure she can't return it.

- Why?

- Because I'm afraid of my nose.

- What?

- I had it fixed.

- Yeah?

What was the matter with it?

- It was bumpy.

- A lot?

- No.

I was pretty and now I'm prettier.

My brother's having his fixed in the fall.

- Does he want to be prettier?

Sorry.

I don't mean to sound facetious, but why's he doing it?

- Because he wants to,

unless he decides to become a gym teacher, then he won't.

We all look like my father.

- Does your father want to have his nose fixed, too?

- Why are you being so nasty?

- I'm not nasty.

My goodness.

I'm suave and sophisticated.

Do I sound nasty?

- Mm-hmm.

- Now, about your nose,

What does it cost to get it fixed?

- $1,000, unless you go to a butcher.

Why?

- Well, I have to see if you got your money's worth.

- If I let you kiss me, would you stop being so nasty?

I don't always do that.

- Why'd you do it now?

- I felt like it.

- Feel like it again?

- No.

- Um, is that the end of our date?

- I don't feel like having a date tonight.

There's my house.

Come to the club tomorrow.

- I'm not a member. - Be my guest.

- What time? - 2:00.

Mrs. Jerome Laurie, Mrs. Jerome Laurie, telephone.

Hey, Doris,

You know that's coming out in the comic-book form?

- What are you doing here?

- I'm visiting.

- Who?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, I am.

- You were always crazy before, but you were never pushy.

- That's gonna be my new career.

I'm gonna be a social climber.

Elliot Colter, Elliot Colter, telephone.

- Hi.

Come on in. - Hello.

Give me your glasses.

- I should just break the damn things.

I hate them.

I should've worn my contact lenses anyway.

- You could have your eyes fixed.

- Are you gonna start that again?

- I already did.

Hey, Doris, hold this for Brenda, will you?

- I'm not her slave.

- Doris,

I've wanted to tell you something for a long time now.

You're a pain in the ass.

- Oh, that's very nice.

Thank you.

After I invite you to the club.

- That was yesterday.

Well, what about last year?

- Is that Doris?

- Yeah.

She's peeling.

- Yeah, I noticed.

- She's going to have her skin fixed.

No, don't do it.

Don't, don't, don't!

Ugh!

Doris always invites me here once a year

so that when I write my parents,

they can't complain her parents don't look after me.

- You mean you don't live with your parents?

- They moved to Arizona.

- Arizona?

I didn't think anybody lived there,

I mean, any Jewish people.

- Only cowboys?

- Yeah, and people with asthma.

- Which is why they moved there.

To be cowboys with asthma.

So stupid.

- That's terrific.

- Why?

- I don't know, I guess it gives them a lot in common.

- Only their asthma.

- Which is more than most married couples seem to have.

Why does it seem to bother you?

- What?

- the subject of marriage.

You really notice things.

- You planning to get married to somebody in particular?

I mean, seriously?

- Well, I was engaged for a year until last week.

- What happened?

- Hi, Bren.

What are you so happy about?

- The Red Sox took two.

- Are we having Carl Yastrzemski for dinner?

- Of course.

- Every time the Red Sox win,

we have to set an extra place for Yastrzemski.

- Hey, you want to race?

- No.

Why don't you go race alone?

Do you want to go with him?

- Uh, gee, no thanks.

- This is Neil Klugman.

My brother, Ronald Patimkin.

- How are you?

Whoops.

Got to watch that.

- Yeah.

- Watch that.

- How are you?

- You want to race?

- Not right now.

Thank you.

- Why don't you go race with him?

I have to call home and tell them you're coming for supper.

- Am I?

I got to call my aunt.

You didn't say anything, I mean, my clothes.

- We dine au naturel.

- What? - Swim, my dear.

- Julie,

Julie!

Elbows off the table.

And eat!

Eat your dinner!

Millions of children are starving all over the world.

- When's Harriette calling?

5:00.

It was 5:00.

- Their time.

- Why is it earlier in Columbus?

Suppose you took a plane back and forth all day.

You'd never get older.

- Oh, that's right, sweetie.

- What do you give the child misinformation for?

Is that why she goes to school?

- I haven't the slightest idea why she goes to school.

- You're a big college girl now, huh?

- Carlotta.

- Carlotta, Ronald wants more!

More what?

- More chicken.

- Me too, Carlotta.

- They'll have to roll you on the links.

- What are you talkin' about?

I lost a couple of pounds.

- Ben.

- Look at this.

- Ronald.

- Would you care to stand up and bear your middle?

- No, thank you.

- I'm glad somebody is aware of how to behave at the table.

- Thank you.

- Chicken?

- No, thank you.

- He eats like a bird.

- Come on, Carlotta, I'm playin' ball tonight.

- Don't forget and tape your wrist.

- I'll tape my wrist, but you know I got no mobility.

Just wear an ace bandage

and put a little heat on it.

This is not an important game,

and I want to ensure you're good for the championship.

Remember, last year.

You didn't listen to me, same thing happened.

- Where do you live, Bill?

- Neil.

Didn't I say Neil?

- You said, "Where do you live, Bill?"

- I hate tape.

How the hell can I play in tape?

- Don't curse! - That's right.

- See? - See what?

- Oh, I was just talking to Bill.

- Neil! - Just eat already!

A little less talking, young lady.

- I didn't say anything!

- She was talking to me, sweetie!

- What is this "she" business?

That's how you call your mother, "she, she"?

If I called my mother "she,"

my father would give me a crop on the side of the head,

I got chicken caught in my braces.

- All right, eat your dinner.

We'll clean them out later.

Do you go to college?

- What?

- College.

- I went into college,

before I went into the army.

- Oh.

What did you study?

- I was an English major.

English?

- Literature.

- Kind of unusual, isn't it, for a boy?

- Uh, he wants to be a teacher.

- No, no, no,

not necessarily.

Carlotta, please, I'm gonna be late.

- It's Harriette!

Harriette's on the phone!

Harriette.

- Carlotta, is the bicarbonate still

in the downstairs toilet?

Yes, it is.

- Oh, those damn radishes.

- Why don't we have coffee and dessert outside?

Carlotta!

Yes?

- Bring the chocolate cake outside.

Okay.

- It was a wonderful dinner.

- Go, run.

Grab it.

Don't stand too far, now.

Almost.

- Ahh, well,

What kind of work do you do?

- I'm kind of working at the library at the moment.

The public library?

- I've been there for about a year now,

ever since I got out of the army.

- Oh.

Well, well, it must be very interesting,

the library business.

- I don't know.

Yeah, I guess so.

No, not very.

- Could somebody move the car blocking the convertible?

I'm late as it is.

- Is that me? - I don't know.

- No, I think I'm blocking the convertible.

- No, I'm blocking the convertible.

You're blocking me.

- Mmm, it's yummy. - Mmm, good.

- You don't say thank you anymore?

- Thank you.

- You little doll.

Where did she meet him?

- Who knows?

At the club.

- He eats like a bird.

Come on, let's play.

- Probably.

Yeah, he probably would.

- Want to play?

Daddy's tired.

- Take over for me, will you, kid?

- Go ahead.

Go ahead.

- I haven't touched a basketball

since I got out of high school.

- You better be good to your daddy.

He's getting very old.

- No, it's not true.

- Hi, beautiful.

- Hello.

- Daddy, I missed!

Can I take it over again?

Certainly, angel.

You want to take it over again, take it over again.

- I don't let guests win.

- I see.

Aw.

Right here.

Can I take that over again?

- No.

- Daddy.

- Forget it.

- What does your friend do in the library?

- I haven't the slightest idea.

- Is that the kind of work he wants to do?

- Why?

- I won, Daddy. - Good girl.

- I won!

I won!

I beat him, daddy!

Why did you let her win?

- I didn't let her.

She beat me.

- Come on, even Ron lets her win, and he's a semi-pro.

- That's my baby!

- All right.

It's time to go brush your teeth.

- 10 more minutes?

- It's late. - Oh, 10 more minutes?

Please?

It's late.

Do you know what time it is?

- So, she'll sleep 10 minutes later in the morning.

Oh, Ben.

- My tchotchkeleh, right?

Want to take a drive or go to the movies?

What?

Oh, I don't know.

- Brush your teeth.

Be good.

Leave her alone.

She'll get tired of him.

- Klugman, Klugman, can I talk to you a minute?

Would you take the main information desk this morning?

Erickson just called.

His mother's not well, and he can't come in.

There's always something, always.

- Hi, sweetie, how are you?

- Hey, mister, where's the art section?

- The what?

- Art section.

- Spell it.

- A-R-T.

- Art, you mean art, art books, reproductions?

- Yeah, them.

- Well, we got them in a lot of different places.

Which artist are you interested in?

- All of them.

- Okay.

I'll tell you what you do.

You walk all the way across the floor there.

You see that staircase?

You see it over there?

- Yeah.

You take that staircase up one flight,

and you follow the arrow to where it says "stack three."

Can you remember that,

stack three?

Someone up there will show you the way.

Go ahead.

It's all right.

Go ahead.

- What'd you let him in for?

- It's a public library.

- You know where I found him yesterday?

In the stacks, looking at the nudes.

He was hiding there all morning.

- Did you throw him out?

- Of course I threw him out.

You know what those boys do up there?

- Oh, John, I don't think they do it right there.

- They do so.

I've seen them.

Not out in the open of course,

but you can tell what they're doing.

- Johnny, why don't you let 'em alone?

- I'm gonna go see Mr. Scapello

and tell him to send somebody to come and get him.

- John.

Gloria, watch the desk a minute, will you?

John.

John, John,

John, you want to give Mr. Scapello an ulcer

so soon after his egg-and-pepper sandwich?

I'll get him.

I got to go over there anyway.

- I think it's disgusting what they do up here.

- Don't worry about it, Johnny.

They're the ones who are gonna get warts

all over their dirty little hands.

- Hey, mister, what is this place?

- That's Tahiti.

It's an island in the Pacific Ocean.

- That ain't no place you could go, is it,

like a resort?

- Mmm, you could go there, I suppose.

It's very far.

People live there.

- Look at this one.

Man, ain't that the life?

Who took these pictures?

- No, he didn't take them, he painted them.

Paul Gauguin, he was a Frenchman.

- He's a white man or a colored man?

- He's white.

- Ah, I knew that.

Hey, look at this one.

Man, ain't that the life?

Yeah, it sure is.

- There he is.

Hey.

Oh.

- Hurry up or we'll miss our plane.

- Okay, okay.

Listen, you're gonna sit with Julie because Carlotta's off.

Okay?

- What do you mean I'm gonna sit with Julie?

- We're taking Ron to the airport

and Julie doesn't wanna come.

- Come on. - We'll be right back.

In a minute.

- Hey, do I get all the cake and milk I want?

Close the door.

There's air conditioning.

I'm glad you've decided you're going to stay with me.

- So am I.

Wanna play five-and-two?

- No.

- Why not?

Wanna read a book report I wrote?

- No, not now.

- What do you want to do?

- Why do we have to do anything?

Why don't you go watch television.

- All right.

You better wash that, or you'll get diarrhea.

They're not washed yet.

- Where's Ron going?

- Columbus.

- What for?

- To see Harriette.

They're in love.

What did you do with the cherries?

- What cherries?

- You put them in your pocket.

- Wanna play Ping-Pong?

- Can I serve?

- Yeah, when it's your turn to.

- Can I take that one over?

I hurt my finger yesterday!

No, no, come on.

Give me the ball.

Come on, come on!

- Oh, can,

oh, please, my shoelace came untied.

Can I take that one?

- Certainly not.

Let's go, let's go!

- You leaned over the table!

That's not legal!

- Three-nothing.

It's my serve!

- You're a cheater!

I hate you!

I'm gonna tell everybody you were stealing fruit!

- You wanna take this book out?

- What?

- You...

Oh, I'm sorry, there's a hold on this book of Gauguin-

- What?

- There's...

Somebody called us and asked us to hold this book for them.

You put your name and address on this card,

and when the book is free, I'll send you a notice.

- What? - Quiet!

- I'll send you a notice!

- Any problem? - What?

Huh?

No.

- You're going on a vacation tomorrow, aren't you?

- Yes.

- Well, you need it.

- Natasha, Natasha, watch the desk a second, will you?

I'll be right back.

Listen, you want this book?

- I haven't done anything wrong.

I haven't written in a book or nothing.

You could search me.

- I know you haven't done anything wrong.

Come on down here.

Come here.

Now if you like the book so much, why not take it home.

Do you have a library card?

- No, sir.

I haven't done anything wrong.

No, no.

A library card is what we give you

so you can take books home.

Then you wouldn't have to come down here every day.

You could take the book right home with you.

- Why don't you want me around here?

- I didn't say I didn't want you here.

- I like it here.

- I know, but the trouble is, someday,

somebody's gonna wanna take this book out of here sometime.

Aren't you worried about that?

- Why should I be worried?

Nobody done it yet.

- And he comes in every day in the morning.

Every day, and he always takes out the same book.

And he just sits there in the corner on the floor

just looking at the same pictures.

- I'm absolutely stuffed.

- You eat like a bird.

- Neil, what does your father do?

- For a living?

- My mother was wondering.

- He's a cat burglar.

- Seriously. - Really, he's a cat burglar.

I don't know.

Tell her anything you want.

A merchant.

Tell her my father runs a store.

Why don't you live with your parents in Arizona?

Because I'm grown up,

or I'm supposed to be grown up

and I can't pick up

and follow my parents wherever they go.

Then why do you stay with your aunt and uncle?

Do I really have to explain to your mother

why I live where I do?

It's not just my mother.

I wanted to know too.

Are you cold?

- No. - Do you wanna go home?

Not unless you do.

Neil, what about the library?

Who wants to know about that?

- My father. - And you?

And me.

- I don't know.

What about the library?

It's not my life's work,

but it's okay for now.

I sold shoes once.

Then when I got out of the Army

they put me to work in my Uncle Aaron's real-estate company

for a couple of months.

Eh.

I liked the Army better than both of those,

and I like the library better than both of those too.

Answer your question?

- I don't see why it should make you angry.

- I'm not angry.

How can I make you understand?

You wanna know what my plans are for the future.

I'm not planning anything.

Besides, I'm not a planner.

I'm a liver.

- I'm a pancreas.

The leaves have begun to turn

and redden on the trees.

Smoking fires line fraternity row-

- That's just Ron playing his Columbus record.

- No kidding.

- Has the loveliest girls in the country

because of the industry out here.

I'll drink to that.

And-

- Will you be happy if you break it?

Will you stop worrying for two minutes?

Where is she at 1:00?

- What do you want from her?

She's a college girl now, big girl.

She's not a baby anymore.

- She only does it to aggravate me.

She meets a lot of boys from a nice family.

Would it kill her to bring home one of them for a change?

- How do you know he's not from a nice family?

- Why do you always stick up for her?

Whatever I say is wrong.

She's always right.

- What did I say?

All I said was, how do you know that he's not-

- Her against me.

You always do that.

All right.

Let her ruin her life.

Who cares what she winds up with?

It won't be on my conscience.

- I'd like to know what you're starting up again.

I mean, what are you starting up again for?

What do you want from her?

I'm telling you, keep it up,

she'll end up marrying a ditchdigger for spite!

You hear?

Turn off the set.

Will you turn off the set, please?

- Good night.

- Good night.

Don't, Neil.

- Why not?

- I could fall in love with you.

I don't want to right now.

- Why?

- Don't I want to?

- Why could you fall in love with me?

- Well, I like the way you look.

- Is that all?

- I like your body.

- I like your mind.

- You don't like my body?

- No, no.

- Then it's denied you.

I don't want to make love now.

- Why?

- I don't know.

I just don't feel like it.

- Never?

- No.

I just don't feel like it now.

- When?

- The next time I feel like it.

- Brenda, B-B-Brenda.

- What?

Brenda, could I see you for just a second, please?

Could I see you?

Come here, come here.

Please come over here for a second.

- What's the matter?

- Could you come over to the car for a second?

- You come here.

- I can't.

- Will you call me when you get home?

- After my cold shower or just before?

- What?

Come here.

Come over here.

- It's not listed.

It's my private phone number.

- Oh, Brenda.

- No.

It's 242-9970.

- Brenda!

Oooh.

- Neil?

Brenda, are you in bed?

- Yes.

Are you?

Yes.

- I'm in bed with you.

And I'm in bed with you.

- You know, I have the shades drawn,

so it's very dark and I can't see you.

I can't see you either.

- That was so nice, kissing you, Neil.

I'm still kissing you.

- Will you go to sleep kissing me?

I won't go to sleep at all.

- Don't say goodbye.

I won't.

- I love you, Neil.

- What's he doing?

He's in the closet making a phone call.

That's what he's doing.

- You really mind taking me to this party, don't you?

- A little.

- I just thought you might like to meet some of my friends.

- Why?

- Great, fantastic! - Oh, thank you, Josh.

Do you know that I've read every book?

- Scotch and water, please.

- Since we got married.

- Phi Ep, right?

- What?

Give me that drink, will you?

- ZBT.

No.

- Sammy!

No!

- Dartmouth, right?

- No, no, no!

I don't want to go.

I'm having a wonderful time.

- We can leave any time you want to.

- I don't wanna leave.

I don't wanna leave.

Hey, hey.

Hey!

- Excuse me. - Phi Ep.

- Neil.

- Wait a minute.

This is very important.

Wait a minute, I'll get it.

Sammy. - No.

- Just a second, just a second.

Dartmouth! - That's right.

- How are you?

How are you?

You know who's here?

You'll never guess who,

in a million years, who's here.

Come here!

Hey, hey.

Just a moment.

This is very important.

He's here.

Dartmouth!

- Yeah? - Dartmouth!

- Dartmouth!

- Hey!

How are you?

- Terrific.

- '66.

- '64!

- What's the matter?

I'm having a wonderful time.

I don't wanna leave.

I came to make 10 new friends.

Now, I've only made seven so far.

Whoo-hoo.

I think I see another person.

I'll introduce you.

- Hello, Brenda. - I don't think it's funny.

- Hello, Don.

- All right, who was that?

- Don Farber.

The boy I was engaged to.

He plays basketball with Ron.

- Ah.

One of the fabulous Farber brothers!

I didn't recognize him without his little shorts

and his little shoes

and those other four guys that are always...

- My mother and father adore him.

- Well, that's reason enough right there

to break up with him.

- Yeah, it was.

- How about the fellow in the blue blazer?

Were you engaged to him too?

- He was my boyfriend in the tenth grade.

- Really?

How about the guy in white pants?

How about him?

- He was my boyfriend in 11th grade.

- Didn't you go to summer school?

- Don't you have any old girlfriends?

- No, no, just chew them up, throw them away.

- I like to keep mine.

- Like a collection, preserved and mummified.

- Thank you very much.

- What? Heh, what are you mad?

Huh, what is it, are you mad?

- What do you think?

- They sound like my father's generation.

- Listen, you should be doing half as well as most of them.

- In what way?

Making money?

- That is nothing to be ashamed of.

It really kills you, doesn't it?

The kind of job I have?

- What do you expect me to say,

that I'm proud of it,

that I'd like you to spend your life there?

- People do, you know.

- That's just fine if that's what you want to do.

- I don't know what I want to do.

I know what I don't wanna do.

I don't wanna spend the rest of my life

grubbing around for money as if nothing else

in the world existed.

- Like who?

Like my friends?

Is that what you're implying?

Or maybe my family?

- Yeah, your family.

Your family and your friends.

- What would you like to do,

grow a beard and sleep in the park?

- I don't know.

Part of me.

- Then just do it!

Do something.

Don't just stand there

and look down your nose at everything.

- Don't you think I know that?

I can't go all the way on either side.

They both seem so ridiculous to me.

Everything does.

I can't take anything seriously.

- Make love to me.

You do love me, don't you?

I mean I'll let you make love to me

whether you do or not, so you can tell me the truth.

- Stay away from me, will you please.

What?

Just stay away from me, okay?

- I don't understand.

I don't understand.

You do, don't you?

- What?

- Love me.

- No.

- I want you to.

- What about the kind of job I have?

No plans for the future, you know.

- If you love me, there won't be anything to worry about.

- Well, then, of course I love you.

- Let's take off all our clothes and go swimming.

- Are you crazy?

There's 100 people up there.

- But that's what makes it fun.

Listen, you go in first,

and I'll close my eyes and wait for you.

And then when you come back,

you'll surprise me with the cold.

- You really like games, don't you?

- Go ahead, I'll close my eyes.

- You go in.

- Will you close your eyes?

- No.

- Let's both go in.

Okay?

- I'd rather kiss you.

- No, I want to go swimming first.

- Go ahead.

Go on, go on, go on.

- Ron's getting married!

- When? - Labor Day!

He's marrying Harriette!

I'm gonna be a sister-in-law!

- You are?

- Hi.

I'm gonna be a sister-in-law.

- Yes, I heard that.

When did that happen?

- This afternoon.

They talked long-distance for half an hour,

and Harriette's gonna fly in next week

for an enormous wedding.

My mother and father are going crazy.

They've got to order flowers,

write out invitations and all that stuff

and they have no time to do it.

The whole family is in an uproar.

Oh, and my father's taking Ron into the business.

He's gonna start him at $200 a week,

and then he'll have to work his way up from there,

which will take him until October.

- I thought he was gonna be a gym teacher.

- Not now.

He has responsibilities.

Come on upstairs. I'll take you to your room.

- I'd rather take you to your room.

- Maybe.

- All night?

Get up early and go back to my room.

We'll set the alarm.

- And wake up everybody in the house?

- I'll wake myself up.

I can do that easy when I have to.

Front.

Front, please.

- Come on.

- Oh, yes.

This is very nice.

I like your room better.

Where is it?

- It's at the other end of the hall.

Later.

- What happens if I can't wait?

- Start without me!

- Aunt Gladys,

leave me alone.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi.

Hey, congratulations.

- Thanks.

Been wanting to talk with you.

- Well, this is really something, huh?

- Yeah.

- Getting married.

- Yeah.

- So how does it feel?

- Better, thanks.

Farber smacked it under the boards, but I'll be able to play

in the next game.

Thanks.

- No.

No, I meant getting married.

- Oh.

Okay, I guess.

I don't really know.

I'm not married yet.

Hey, you know anything about music?

- Yes, a little.

- You know I got

all the Andre Kostelanetz records ever made?

You like Mantovani?

I got all of him too.

I think semi-classicals are really great.

And you can listen to my Columbus record

any time you'd like.

- Great.

- Company!

At a time like this!

That's just what I need!

For two weeks yet!

- I asked you, Mother.

- You asked your father.

Well, I'm the one you should ask.

He doesn't know what extra work this is for me.

- My God, you'd think we didn't have Carlotta and Jenny!

- Carlotta and Jenny cannot do everything.

This is not the Salvation Army!

- What the hell does that mean?

- You watch your tongue, young lady.

That may be very well for your college friends,

but not in this house!

- Will you stop that!

Don't you raise your voice to me.

When was the last time you lifted a finger

to help around here?

I'm not a slave, I'm a daughter.

You ought to learn what it means to earn a living.

- Why? - Why?

Do you really wanna know why?

Because all you think about is how pretty you are.

Well, you are gonna find out the world

doesn't owe you a living!

- What is that supposed to mean?

- It means you should find out

how to earn some money and buy your own clothes.

- My father earns all the money he needs.

- Oh, yes.

- What are you complaining about?

- When was the last time you washed the dishes?

- My God!

Carlotta washes the dishes!

- Don't you "my God" me!

Oh, Mother, why the hell are you like this?

- You bring a boy in this house,

a strange boy, are you listening to me?

For two weeks, without even bothering to ask me.

A strange boy.

Don't you run away from me when I'm talking to you!

Brenda is crying!

- You'll get yours, you little bastard!

- Brenda! - Mama!

Brenda cursed!

Brenda cursed at me!

- Are we going to the Hellmans' or not?

Come on, hush, hush.

- Goddamn her.

- Maybe I should go.

- They're going visiting, thank God.

- Brenda.

Brenda, look at me.

- I hope they never come back.

- Brenda.

Brenda!

- Ron is still in his room.

His door is closed.

- You can't hear anybody walk here around here

because they all creep around in their sneakers.

It's Ron, really, getting married.

And me.

Now with Harriette a family member, they'll forget I even exist!

- That's okay with you.

What is this?

What's in here?

Money!

- What is this?

- Our old furniture. - Yeah?

How old?

From when we were poor.

- Come on.

Come on, will you?

You're getting filthy.

Let's get out of here.

- It's not here. - What?

- I told you, the money.

- You didn't tell me.

What money?

What money?

- When I was little and we just moved here,

my father brought me up here,

brought me into this room one day, and he said that,

if anything ever happened to him,

he wanted me to know where there was some money

that I should have.

He said it was for me and not for anybody else.

That I should never tell anybody about it.

Not even Ron or my mother.

- How much was it?

- It was three 100 dollar bills.

I'd never even seen one before.

- Well, where is it?

Maybe somebody stole it.

- I don't know!

I didn't even know it was missing until just now.

I guess he took it away.

I always had everything, so I didn't need it.

I guess he knew I didn't need it and just took it away.

Why did you want it now?

- I don't know.

I wanted to find it and rip it into 1,000 pieces

and stuff the pieces in her purse.

And if it would've been there,

I swear that's what I would've done!

- I wouldn't let you.

- Make love to me.

- What? - Make love to me.

- Watch me.

The bird man dies tonight.

Salad, Ronald.

- Mother.

Can I have the gravy too, please?

- Salt.

Can I have the cabbage, Daddy?

- You're gonna get fat. - Am not.

- No.

No more for me, thank you.

- He eats like a bird.

What do you want?

But the season was up and down.

By the time the first snow had covered the turf,

there was the sound of dribbling and the cry, "Up and in."

Well, good night, Brenda.

- Good night, Neil. - See you in the morning.

Mm-hmm.

Now we're ready for the Minnesota game,

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

There'll be a hand of appreciation

from this capacity crowd-

- Well, I had my first day at work today.

- Oh?

How was it?

- Okay, I guess.

I was a little-

- And here comes Ron Patimkin dribbling out.

Ron, number 11, from Purchase, New York.

What a great season he's had.

For big Ron, it's his last game,

and it'll be some time before Buckeye fans forget him.

Number seven.

Here comes Larry Gardner.

Big number seven out onto the floor.

- Would you like to come to my room for a while and listen to a couple of records?

- Not right now, Ron.

I'm a little tired.

Thank you, though.

- Shut up, shut up.

Your mother's trying to sleep.

It's a workday tomorrow.

Go to bed already.

- Who do you like better, Mantovani or Kostelanetz?

- I don't know.

I like them both.

- Me too.

That's all I play.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, good night.

- Good night.

We offer ourselves to you,

then, world, and come at you-

- Did the television series

many years ago, I think around 1950,

before he was known at all. - Thank you and goodbye.

We will miss you in the fall, in the winter, in the spring,

but someday, we shall return.

Till then, goodbye, Ohio State.

Goodbye, red and white.

Goodbye, Columbus.

Goodbye, Columbus, goodbye.

- What are you thinking?

- I don't know.

- About me?

- No.

Your father.

- What about him?

- I like him.

- Has he asked you yet if you wanna go into business?

- Why?

Did he say something to you about it?

- No, but he will.

Every single boy I go out with.

- Mmm.

Nice to be in such a nonexclusive club.

- Listen, he means well.

We don't have time.

- Shh, shh.

Oh, hey, say.

Now, listen, where'd you get the funny knuckles?

- What's funny about my knuckles?

- I know a doctor who could have your fingers fixed.

Morning, Mr. Patimkin.

- Good morning.

- No, I cannot!

I've only got a million things to do.

The man from the liquor store hasn't answered back yet.

I have to get down to the florist sometime today

to make a decision about the centerpieces.

How can I ask Brenda?

She went to New York to buy a dress for the wedding.

Wait a minute, I'll ask Neil.

Neil, Brenda's friend.

Neil!

I'll call you back later.

Neil, darling.

Could I ask you to do me a favor?

Mr. Patimkin has some silver patterns

he wants me to look at.

Would you drive down to the store and pick them up for me?

- All right, let's get the truck loaded.

You're getting paid by the hour,

so let's get them in the truck already.

Come on!

Hey.

- Ron, how are you?

Where's your father?

- He's right inside.

All right, let's keep working.

Come on.

Get those things loaded.

We don't have all day.

- What are you talking about?

I got them right in front, wait.

In a minute, I'll have them.

No.

There it is.

Yeah, the ledgeback, number 945.

What do you mean, they don't make it?

I had six last week!

Grossman, I'm telling you that I had 'em,

and I know they're still making 'em.

Yeah.

Sit, sit.

Yeah.

Tomorrow?

What do you mean, tomorrow?

Don't give me that tomorrow business.

The world could blow up tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Grossman, you listen to me.

Crap!

You're not the only one in town, my good friend.

Yeah.

That's more like it.

Fine.

Yeah, we'll be here till five, no later.

My kid will be here.

Yeah, I brought him into the business with me.

All right, Marty.

Bye-bye.

- Hey, Dad.

- Did you send them out to lunch?

- No, I thought I'd send some now and some later.

- Why?

- That way, somebody'll always be here.

- No fancy deals here.

We all go out to lunch the same time.

- All right.

- College kids.

Four years in college, he can't even load a truck.

- Well, they don't teach too much

about truck loading anymore in college.

- And what do they teach in college?

About books?

A lot you can learn from books.

Let me tell you something.

In the real world, you need a little gonif in you.

You know what that means, gonif?

- Thief.

- You think I'm a schmuck, don't you?

- No, I don't think so.

- Thank you.

You kids.

The way you look at us

while we're out batting our brains out trying to make a living.

Like we're a bunch freaks and you're something special.

Let me tell you something.

When I was your age, I felt exactly like you do.

Huh?

Surprise you?

Yeah.

Grossman.

Five o'clock today, the deal's off.

That's right, by five or forget it.

Is this where you're sleeping?

- What are you doing?

- Contacts.

- Is everything in its place now?

- I can't believe a week could go by so fast.

- Let's slow the next one down.

- We don't have time.

- Shh, shh. - Listen, the whole house

is gonna be up in five minutes.

- I'll only take four.

Shh. - Oh, unfair.

Unfair.

- Shh, Neil?

I spoke to my father last night about you

coming to the wedding.

- Mm-hmm.

I thought we weren't gonna talk about the wedding.

You promised.

- But I want you there. - I know.

She doesn't, your mother.

Well, she's gonna be so hysterical

that she won't know who's there.

- I don't want to talk about the wedding anymore.

Oh, my God, are you gonna start that again?

- What, should I love the fact

that you go back to school the day after the wedding?

- You don't have to bring it up every five minutes.

- Well, I can't help it.

I dread it.

- Me too.

- You don't act like it.

- What, would you like it in writing?

- Maybe.

- Call my father's lawyer.

- Why do you think it's so peculiar

that I'd like some kind of commitment?

Some concrete assurance it won't all be over

two days after you're back in school?

May I know your name?

Well, you got the message.

Do you have the plan?

I can't stand the slop in this joint.

We gotta bust out.

Are you in my cellblock?

What kind of a commitment would you like?

I don't know.

Some kind of sacrifice.

You know, something symbolic.

A gesture.

How about if I sacrifice my sister?

- Nah.

Too young.

- You want my mother?

- No.

Yech. Too old.

- Only one thing left, it's my sister-in-law's virginity.

- Hey.

You think she and Ron ever did it?

- Harriette?

Not a chance.

- Come on.

You kidding?

With all those pills, everybody does it.

- Not Harriette, she'll never do it.

Much too dirty.

- Hey, I meant to ask you.

About those pills,

don't you have to take them in the morning?

Does it make any difference when you take it?

I don't take them.

- What did you say?

- Hard.

Come on.

- Brenda.

- Really hard.

- What do you take?

- Nothing.

Turn off the water.

- Nothing?

- Listen, I tried the pills, but they made me fat,

they made me sick,

and besides every single day

you read something new about them in the paper.

So I decided I was better off with nothing.

- Brenda, I'd like to talk to you about nothing.

You mean nothing?

- Is that Julie getting up?

- You don't mean nothing.

- Hurry up, get out of here!

- That's all you're worried about?

That someone's gonna find me in here?

- What's the matter with you?

Can't you hear that there's somebody getting up?

- How can a sensible middle-class Jewish girl

go to bed every night after night with somebody

and not use any kind of precaution whatsoever?

Don't you know they make babies that way?

- What do you think?

That it's like what you read about in novels

or see in movies?

All you do is go to bed with somebody once,

and bang, you have a baby?

- Yes, it's been known to happen.

All right, all right, just tell me this.

Will you tell me this?

Will you concede this much?

It's possible, right?

To get pregnant.

I mean, one time is all that's really necessary,

in theory, for you to get pregnant.

Now that's possible, isn't it?

- Yes.

- All right, with my luck, you're pregnant.

- You serious?

- I'm way the hell past serious, I'm suicidal.

Will you cut that out for a minute?

Are you so spoiled

that you can't imagine the possibility of-

- Shh. - Don't shush me!

- That you can't imagine the possibility

of something terrible happening to you?

- Shh.

I don't want to discuss this anymore.

- Okay.

Listen to me.

You'll go to the doctor this afternoon.

You'll get some pills.

- I told you, they make me sick.

- All of them?

- Lots of them.

- Okay, you keep trying.

They make all kinds of different kinds,

a hundred different kinds.

- Look, I'm not taking the pills, and that's the end of it.

In the first place, you don't just take the pills,

you have to start taking them at a specific time.

- Then get a diaphragm.

- Diaphragm?

What if I won't?

Oh, go to hell.

- Did you get it?

- Mm-hmm.

- Where is it?

- I'm wearing it.

- What?

Brenda Patimkin.

Brenda Patimkin, I love you, I love you.

Come, my pussycat!

- Now that you have spoken the words and performed the rites

which unite your lives,

I do hereby, in conformity with the faith of Israel

and in the eyes of God

and in accordance with the laws of the state of New York,

declare your marriage to be valid and binding,

and I pronounce you, Ronald, and you, Harriette,

to be husband and wife before God and before all men.

- Congratulations to you. - Thank you very much.

- And to you too, sweetie.

Congratulations, sir.

- Thank you. - And lots of happiness

to you.

- Well, they got, they did it?

They got married.

Big weddings.

When I got married, who knew about big weddings?

You got married.

- I've gotta tell you.

You look lovely.

Really, you do.

Absolutely adored everything and I love your son.

- I can't stand that Ehrlich woman.

- Congratulations.

- Neil. - Hi.

- Oh.

Seymour, mechaieh.

Today's gonna be the classiest affair of the year.

Nothing but the best for our kids, eh?

- Ron was telling me you have a very interesting job.

- I work in the library.

- Wonderful!

You must get first crack at all the bestsellers.

- Sometimes.

- I hope I'm not

being too presumptuous in saying this,

but Ron and I were hoping that you

and Brenda would double with us real soon.

Well, it sounds nice.

Excuse me.

- You're next!

I only get shikker at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Come on, kitty.

Let's dance.

- Later, okay? - Later?

Promise?

Later, later, later.

Hey, Sonny, come on, take a picture.

Just Molly and me.

- Why not?

- Just Molly and me.

Take a picture.

Very nice, dear.

- Ready? - Ready.

Smile.

- Harry, what are you doing?

- "Harry."

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Hi, you two lovebirds.

You're next.

By the way, sweetie,

what have you been doing with yourself this summer?

- Growing a penis.

Mm.

You having a good time?

- Oh, wonderful.

- Great.

- I told them to pick out a house in the neighborhood.

Make it easy for us to visit them, you know, vice versa.

So they're gonna have a conference about it.

Everything today is a conference with the kids.

- Are you meshugge?

It's way over 1,000 yards.

- Who are you calling meshugge?

- Let's measure it.

- What are they doing?

- That's Uncle Max and Uncle Manny.

They're in the carpet business together.

- Ah.

- Hello, Neil.

How are you?

Mind if I dance with Brenda?

- No, not at all, if she wants to.

- Okay?

- Come on.

- So?

You're Brenda's boyfriend, huh?

You got a good deal there, boy, if you don't louse it up.

- Thank you.

She's very beautiful.

- Beautiful, not beautiful.

If you're Aly Khan you worry about movie stars.

Me, I'm a practical man.

On the bottom, you gotta be.

You know how old I was before I got married?

35 years old, and I still don't know

what the hell kind of a hurry I was in.

The son of a bitch who invented the fluorescent bulb

should drop dead.

They never wear out, those things, you know that?

They could burn for years.

- Leo! - Ben!

- Hey, you kids having a good time?

- It's a fine wedding, Mr. Patimkin.

- Thank you, thank you.

- So?

- What do you think

of that brother of yours getting married?

- You like weddings, don't you, Daddy?

- I like my kids' weddings.

- I didn't even own an automobile.

His brother and I don't own a car.

I take the train wherever I go.

- Anything in the whole world that you want,

you know you can get them.

Because, Brenda,

you've been a good girl.

You get good marks in school,

and, you've given me a lot of naches,

a lot of joy.

All my children have.

And believe me, for a million dollars,

nobody in this world could buy that joy.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I'm not kidding myself.

Ron is not the brainiest boy in the whole world.

But he's a nice boy.

He really is a nice boy.

And believe me, in these days, it's especially important.

I mean, because you read in the papers,

all the boys have, today, the children.

Get in trouble.

They don't have any sense of morals, you know?

I'll tell you the truth.

I feel very sorry for their parents,

because I know how unhappy your mother and I would be

if we were in their position.

And I thank God every day,

every day,

that I have children I can trust.

So when you go back to school,

and you're shivering and it's cold

and everything is miserable,

go to a store in Boston,

buy yourself a leather coat with a fox-fur collar.

Now, what is wrong?

It's a wedding.

It's a wedding!

A celebration!

Anything my daughter wants is good enough for me.

There's not a business in the world

can't use another person.

It's a hell of a wedding. - A-okay.

Carlotta.

Flowers.

Ben, get Julie.

- Harry.

Harry.

Harry, wake up already!

- What?

I must have dozed.

- I know.

I know you're tired, darling, I know.

I know, I know.

- I got more brains in my pinky

than my brother Ben

has in his whole body.

Why?

Why is he at the top and me at the bottom?

Why?

Why?

- Your wife and your child are exhausted.

Go home.

- You'll go,

you'll go far.

You're a smart boy.

Play it safe.

Don't louse things up.

The next time I see you, it'll be your wedding.

- Where were you?

- Looking for you.

- I went out for a walk with Don.

I drank too much and got sick.

I feel terrible.

What a horrible way to spend our last night together.

Neil, I have bad news, I can't come in next week.

I just got your letter.

Why don't you come up here.

I can't, really.

It's the Jewish holidays.

My aunt is having the whole family over for dinner.

- I'll get a hotel room.

- Certainly make it tempting.

Express coach to

Portsmith, Richmond, Portsmith..

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Did you get my suitcase?

- Yeah.

- I have a reservation, Mr. And Mrs. Neil Klugman.

- Arthur!

Follow him.

Your heart's pounding.

- I know.

- Are you nervous? - No.

- What's the matter?

Something the matter?

- Yes.

- Well, what is it?

You didn't mention anything on the phone.

- I only found out about it today.

- What?

- They found out about us.

About our sleeping together this summer.

- I don't get it.

- My mother found the thing.

- The diaphragm?

- Yes.

- Where?

- She was cleaning out the dresser.

- The dresser in your home?

- Of course in my home.

- You left the thing home?

- Well, I didn't plan on using it here.

- Well, suppose I came up?

I mean, I mean, I have come up.

What about that?

- I thought I'd go home first.

- Couldn't you carry it with you like a toothbrush?

- Are you trying to be funny?

- No, why'd you leave it home?

- I told you, I thought I'd go down there first.

- Brenda, Brenda, look.

Listen, that doesn't make any sense.

Suppose you did go home, and then you came back up?

Wouldn't you carry it with,

wouldn't you carry it with you then?

- I don't know.

- What'd she do, call you on the phone?

- No, they each wrote me a little letter.

Look in my bag, read them.

Go ahead.

Read my father's first.

- She never looked in your drawer before?

- I don't know.

How do I know?

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

I couldn't think of everything.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are you confusing everything for?

- You know, you act as though I did it on purpose.

Do you believe that?

- I don't know.

- Neil, are you crazy?

- Brenda.

Brenda, what could be crazier than leaving that thing there?

- It was an oversight.

- Now it's an oversight.

Before, it was deliberate.

- It was an oversight about the drawer.

It was not an oversight about leaving it.

- Brenda, darling, darling,

wouldn't the safest, smartest, easiest,

simplest thing have been

to take that with you?

Now wouldn't that be the smartest thing to do?

- You keep making it seem as though I wanted her to find it.

Do you think I need this?

I can't even go home anymore.

- Is that so?

- Yes! - No, no, no!

It isn't so!

Your father will be waiting there with two coats

and half a dozen dresses.

What about my mother?

- It'll be the same with her!

- Neil, don't be absurd.

I can't even face them.

- Why can't you face them?

Did you do anything wrong?

- Look at the reality of it, will you?

Did you do anything wrong?

- They think it's wrong.

They're my parents.

- But do you think it's wrong?

That doesn't matter.

- It does to me.

- Now what are you accusing me of?

- You are guilty of some things, Brenda.

- What?

- Of leaving the goddamn diaphragm there!

- Don't start giving me any of your psychoanalytic crap now!

- Why did you leave it home?

Because you wanted her to find it.

- Why?

- I don't know, Brenda.

Why?

What does your father capitalize all these letters for?

My God, look at this, my God.

"As for your mistake, it takes two", capital T,

"to make a mistake", capital M,

"and now that you will be away at school and from him,

and what you got involved in,

you will probably do all right.

I have every faith you will", capital F.

"Your father."

Your father, your father, your father.

Your father.

What are you gonna do?

- Neil, be realistic.

How can I take you home?

Can you just see us all sitting

around the table having Thanksgiving dinner?

Neil, you don't understand.

They're my parents.

They've given me everything I've ever wanted, haven't they?

How can I not go home?

I have to go home.

Neil, you don't understand.

You don't understand anything.

All you've ever done

is accuse me of things and criticize me of things.

Analyze me, telling me why don't I have this fixed,

why don't I have that fixed.

As if it were my fault, that I could have them fixed.