Original subtitles

Hey, baby. How you doing?

Great. I can see the whole universe.

Really? Let me have a look.

Come on. Scoot over. Let me take a look out here.

Wow.

Look at that.

Oh, I can see right into Cindy Miller's bedroom window from here.

Wow. This is great. Hey.

He's getting naked.

Mama.

That is not what this is about, Gary.

Hey, I was just kidding, Kim. Come on, you know.

Is that so?

That is so. Besides, the only heavenly bodies I'm interested in examining are

these babies.

Ladder. Aren't you done enough studying for one night?

Maybe.

The thing is, I'm failing almost every class this semester, and I don't want

astronomy to be the last nail in my celestial coffin.

You're not going to fail.

I can see it in the stars.

Really? Well, you told me the same thing when you had me watch

Hercules and the Mole People from my report on ancient Rome.

Hey. I still feel that that movie was as historically accurate as any of those

old books could have been.

There were a lot of sweaty muscle guys in it.

Exactly. Besides, what do those teachers know? Just a bunch of old farts.

No sense of humor.

And they don't get laid.

That's true.

What do they know?

Not a damn thing.

Now, sex.

There's some homework I think you can excel at.

Why don't I show you what I learned last night?

yesterday. Oh, yeah?

What kind of grade do you give me?

Well, I probably give you an A.

Yeah? Yeah. Well, I got some A.

Yes, Lydia?

There's an incoming transmission for you on the telecommunicator.

Thank you.

This is Queen Morgana.

Connect me.

Commander Dano, I have contact with Halos in 30 seconds.

I'm on my way.

How long do you have contact?

Just a minute or so.

Good.

This is Commander Dano of the Phalanx.

Good evening, Commander.

This is Queen Morgana.

What news have you brought me?

Oh, good news, your highness.

We have just passed the outer edges of the galaxy, and we will be at our final

destination within a couple of hours.

Excellent. Everyone well aboard the phallus?

Just a little tired, but it's been a long voyage.

But well worth it.

Your mission's success is vital to every woman on Aquaterra. We understand that.

And we are prepared to sacrifice our very lives if need be.

to make the population of Aqua Terra go on.

I trust that's not necessary.

You have your instructions.

As soon as this transmission has ended, you may open them.

They are quite clear.

Understood. One last thing, Commander.

Please don't get your emotions involved with this mission.

Remember, Aqua Terra is a planet of women who love other women.

Please keep this in mind, and good luck.

Thank you. I will.

Commander Dana, signing off.

Can we open the instructions now?

That's what the boss lady says.

But this means... I know.

We are instructed to make contact with male species of Earth, have vigorous

sexual activity with them, and then bring the most potent specimen back to

Aguaterra for Queen Morgana's breeding program. We have undertaken this mission

every 20 years to ensure that the female population of Aguaterra continues into

the future.

But... I've never had sex with a man before.

What is that like?

They are disgustingly vile creatures who are absolutely worthless.

In fact, thinking of them touching me makes my skin crawl with cooties.

By what means shall we gather the specimens?

I have some educational videos we can watch.

They should tell us everything.

Come on, let's go.

It is a perilous mission that has to be made, but vital to our survival.

Will they really have sex with men?

It's a sacrifice that has to be made.

What are their chances of survival?

Good. But nobody ever returns from Earth unchanged.

They must surrender their body to preserve the life as we know and cherish

here on Aqua Terra.

They are so brave.

Yes, they are.

You wanted to see me, Professor Quaterman?

Miss Reed.

Yes. I have been looking over your report on the misalignment of the Milky

Way during months with the letter R in them, and...

Frankly, I'm quite surprised.

Really? Yes, I am quite surprised that all of your pages are blank.

Oh. I have no recourse but to fail you, Miss Reed, which I see is a clean sweep

of all of the classes you've signed up to take at this university.

Not a pretty sight, sir.

No, it's not, Kim. Do you have any explanation?

I have a learning disability.

Really? I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?

Well, I just can't seem to focus because all I can think about is sex.

Sex?

Yeah, sex.

Day and night, night and day.

It's all-consuming.

I'm having a hard time believing that, Kim. That's a little far-fetched,

wouldn't you say?

No, sir.

Even if I sit here failing your wonderful class.

I just can't help but think about how your hot, wet tongue would feel all

over my heaving bosoms.

Truly? Truly.

I just wish there was something I could do to earn a little extra credit so that

my family wasn't completely crushed when I went home a total failure.

If only there was something I could do.

Well, I could put you down for a little extra assignment.

Oh, sir, I'm ready to go down.

Earth video.

I felt like I should show you exactly what we're up against.

I heard that Earth men actually eat their women.

No, I think that's just a tale they tell children to scare them.

One can only hope so.

Observe.

The male species.

Ew.

They're not like women at all.

How do they make love?

Well, they...

What do they do with it?

Well, they... No way!

Where? You'll see.

Look at that pain she's experiencing.

Must be horrible.

Yes, it's torture for sure.

But you and I have been chosen to save our race.

So we must act as if we enjoy the invasion of our bodies if we are to

succeed. But what if no Earthman wants to have sex with us?

The computer calculates the chances of that as being one in a trillion.

Except in West Hollywood.

So, success is as good as ours. I can almost taste it.

But how do we blend in unnoticed among Earth people?

This is the uniform of the Earth female.

We will become what they are.

Come on, I'll show you.

is the uniform.

This?

There's no place to conceal a weapon.

Well, I guess we'll just have to be inventive.

Oh, you have the green one. Can I have the green one instead? It's my favorite

color. Really?

Please. You like green?

Yes. Really?

Please, Commander Dano, can I have the green?

Hmm.

Maybe.

Bye.

Okay.

Yeah.

The transporter coordinates are ready to go.

Ladies first.

Are you sure about this?

I don't know. This is the first time.

What place is this?

I'm not sure.

Oh, look.

At least they have a map.

Let's go.

The cotton.

want to have sex?

Maybe there's more to it than that. You think?

Maybe. Hey, you want to get laid?

Maybe there's more ritual to this than we thought.

Maybe we should take it a little bit slower.

Or maybe we should make contact with a female so that we have a knowledgeable

ally in this strange new world.

That's a good idea.

At last, a solid B grade average.

Well, that's it, Tana.

Excuse me.

We are your sisters from Aqua Terra.

We need your help.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not in your sorority.

We don't understand sorority.

You know, that place where you two go to get paddled. It's really not my scene.

So, is this part of your initiation?

What?

The bikinis?

God, who are you two?

This is Annie.

I'm Dana.

Annie Dana.

Okay.

I'm not even going to touch that one.

Where did you say you were from again?

Aqua Terra.

The ice planet in the fourth quadrant of the galaxy Zeta.

We are things from another world.

Okay. Prove it.

Can we go somewhere more private?

Yeah. It's good at my house.

Class is done for the day.

Okay.

You know, I have a C average now.

So, let me guess.

You girls are from outer space.

From a planet of all women and no men.

And your mission here is to party down for a while and then take some

of our finest bed muffins back to your...

Lesbian planet.

And make him your love flick.

Do you read minds?

No.

But I do read comic books.

Issue 13 of Lost Planet Lesbos.

Come on.

You're going to have to be more original than that.

How can we convince you?

I know.

If you are intergalactic lesbian,

Go down on me right now.

That's against our directive. We may only expend vigorous sexual energy in

the pursuit of male potency.

But if you know of any male specimens... Still not

convinced.

But let me make a phone call.

Mr. Decker, we need to meet.

30 minutes.

The usual place.

Hold back.

Decker?

We've added dispatch indicating an unidentified flying object entered our

lunar airspace approximately 120 minutes ago.

We have reason to believe the occupants of the craft have transported to the

Melville area.

They may be within the school itself.

Holy mother of God.

No, our lady of eternal vigilance. Great basketball team. Any news on the style

or type of UFO?

Intelligence indicates.

It may be from the outlying frozen planet Aquaterra.

Planet of ice bitches.

The same.

You have experience with them?

I've had some experience, but I choose not to recall.

Proceed with your usual caution.

Let's find out what these cyber dykes are up to.

Affirmative.

We have a contact within the school, Professor Quatermass, astronomer.

He may be able to help.

I understand, Commander.

I await your report.

Copy that.

So you say your planet is low on oil and you need a couple of quarts to get you

by?

Something like that.

And we've never had sex with a man before, so we don't know what to do.

Well, I think I can steer you in the right direction on that one.

Hey, Kim, are you home?

Hey, sweetheart, in the bedroom.

Hello, ladies.

This is Annie and Danao, and they're foreign exchange students from Sweden.

From Sweden?

Really? Yeah.

They are here studying male sexuality, and I thought that maybe you could help

them bone up on the subject.

Hey, whatever I can do to help, right?

Well, I've always had this fantasy about watching you with another woman.

And here are two, willing and ready to go.

You've got to be kidding me.

Nope.

Just put on a good show.

I owe you one.

Hey, I owe you one.

I owe you one. Half price.

Whoa.

What is it?

Oh no!

Work, work, work.

That's all you seem to do lately.

Astronomy, my dear Audrey, is not for the faint of heart. There's a lot more

to it than stargazing through a telescope.

Yeah, well, teaching 4-H isn't a bed of manure either, but I do manage to take a

lunch.

As soon as I finish this report, I'm up for tenure very soon, and if I don't get

published, it's going to be good by Columbo.

Yeah, well, you know, a lot can be learned from watching Barnyard Animal,

Professor.

Yes, but I already know how to run around with my head cut off.

No, no, silly.

It's that they don't beat around the bush when the desire to mate takes over

them. Neither do you, apparently.

Thomas, pay attention to me.

Since you put them that way.

Professor Quitterman?

I am Thomas Quatermass.

Hobart sent me.

Hobart.

Hobart.

Who's Hobart?

Hobart! Oh, he's an old school chum.

Is there some place that we can talk privately?

Of course.

So if they really are from this all-girl planet like they say they are, this

could be my chance to score big. Well, bigger. With Professor Quatermass

ensuring my spot at this year's graduation.

Just think of it. My own, honest-to-God, living alien project.

Whoa, whoa. I mean, out of this world, but I'm not sure that

exactly qualifies them as being real aliens. I mean...

What kind of proof do you have?

Well, that's the tough part.

It's just their say-so.

Thank you for the loan of the Earth clothes.

No trouble.

Hey, we were just talking about how we might be able to help you.

Do you have other men?

Well, not on me, but it would be easier to get some if there was some way we

could actually convince people you were from outer space.

That'll do it.

Curtain controls that vibrator.

Controls the world.

Alien. Right here in the university. That doesn't seem possible.

I don't believe it.

Trust me, but the real mystery here is their whereabouts and their purpose on

this planet.

Well, if they really come from Aquanetta... Aquaterra.

Aquaterra, as you say, a planet devoid of men. Then their purpose becomes

painfully clear.

Yeah, they're here looking for some prime breeding stock.

Very astute, Miss Wagner.

Yeah, well, I teach 4-H.

Of course you do.

If Audrey's right...

And it's now a matter of tracking them down.

They could be right now at this very minute on the campus, searching for

strong, young, virile men.

So keep your eyes open.

Oh, I do. I do.

Of course you do.

Professor, here is my card. I want you to stay in touch.

Unfortunately, Miss Wagner... You can call me Audrey.

Unfortunately, Miss Audrey...

I have to erase your memory of the entire happenings here. It's required by

rule.

Damn. Is there someplace that we can go?

Yes, over here.

This is the dean's office. He's never around.

I'm sorry about this, but you won't feel it.

Yeah, I know. I saw the movie.

It's a shame, really. Every time I meet someone interesting, I have to erase the

entire contents of their memory. I go back to being a total stranger to them.

Well, excuse me if I don't feel sorry for you, considering I am the white bee.

Trust me, it's better this way. The world is not ready to accept alien

lesbians using mankind at 6 a.m.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Plan 69 from Outer Space.

Just go ahead. Blast me.

Hold still.

All right, Miss Wagner.

Yeah, just a little dizzy.

Do I know you? You struck your head on the metal piece.

Yeah, I don't remember a thing.

Are you my boyfriend?

Maybe.

Lucky me, you're a hunk.

Are we about to have sex?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Professor Quatermass, am I glad to see you.

I can't give you any more extra credit today, Kim. I'm pretty busy right now.

Listen, what would you say if I told you I had space aliens staying at my home?

Are they lesbians? I think so.

I'd say I'm very interested indeed.

Well, hold on to your doctorate, because I've got news for you.

Go preserve our specimen while I check in with Queen Morgana. He was very

healthy, wasn't he?

Don't remind me.

Oh, and don't spill any of that. Our whole planet depends on it.

See you in ten.

This is Queen Morgana. It's Commander Dana from the Farms.

Excellent. Patch her through.

This is Commander Dana. You have news for me.

All goes well.

We have made an ally among the Earth women, and we have started the

collection process.

Good. Do you anticipate a problem with achieving your goals?

Not immediately, but I feel it would be advantageous if we collected a few live

specimens to bring back to Aqua Terra for further production.

We've never allowed a man on Aqua Terra, but under the right conditions, we might

be able to contain them properly.

Use your best judgment.

Thank you.

Commander Dana, signing off.

Queen Morgana said that we can capture a few live male specimens and take them

back to Aqua Terra.

Well, we have the containment equipment required.

All we have to do is find out which male specimens are the most formidable

producers.

Yeah, which means more and more sex.

Men are like gas pumps.

Fill her up, lady.

Oh, well, it's a crummy job, but someone's got to do it. Well, I'm ready

to spread one for the team.

You know? That's what I like about you, Annie.

You've got guts.

And hips.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

Back to Earth?

After you.

So you say they're here to mate with the male of the species in order that they

may repopulate their dwindling numbers.

Yes.

But how do they do it? How do they get the, you know, back on their planet?

They force it out into a milk carton.

Ew, that's disgusting.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

But how?

I... Rather not talk about that.

Hey, hey, look, man. Is this government guy even interested or what?

I'm sure he is.

But remember, it's my deal, my rule.

Yes, of course.

But I haven't been able to locate him. I've left three messages on his cell

phone, but no response.

Look, let's just hope the girls get back here in time, or we're all going to look

pretty foolish.

I wonder, what's keeping him?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Let's go.

Yes.

Let's get to it.

Oh, look, there.

Hey, mister, do you want to have sex?

That's where I first saw them.

Perhaps that's where their landing coordinates are set.

Hey, man, I say we just give it a try.

You're right.

Come on.

Wow, that was swell.

That was spectacular.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to erase the entire contents of your memory

of this whole affair. Regulations, you understand.

Come on.

Can't you just wait a little while?

Give me a minute to enjoy the moment.

Well, just a little bit.

But I'll be in big trouble at Men in Black headquarters if anything ever

leaks out.

Leaks out?

Oh, don't worry. I have a pad.

I know what you mean.

Oh, right.

Let's check my office first and see if Mr. Decker's returned any of my phone

calls. And I'll search around and see if I can find them, maybe. Good idea, but

no hanky-panky. Hey, what, are you getting jealous now? No, I just want

there to be something left for me.

No messages.

Don't give up hope, Professor.

They seemed really anxious to come back for a refill.

So you say, but how do I know you haven't been playing me for a fool?

And what would I have to gain by doing that?

I haven't figured that part out yet, but you better just beware, young lady.

Hey, it's about time.

Sorry, we took a detour.

But we managed to pick up a few men along the way.

Oh, my God. It's Hanson.

Yeah, now that they're over 21 and washed up, we found them singing for

handouts at the homeless mission. It took a little convincing, but we won

them over.

Cool. Well, girls, this is Professor Quatermass. He's the astronomy teacher.

So these are your maps?

Yes, they are.

You missed a spot.

Apparently so.

Care to visit Aguilera?

What?

That's incredible.

Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?

Hands up, and I throw it.

Want to have sex?

I'm not falling for that old bag.

Can't walk, sir. Those vibrators are dangerous weapons.

Wasn't born yesterday, kid.

Get over there. Everybody get your hands up.

Gary, they shrunk the professor.

And Hanson.

Never mind.

We're not scared of your weapons, soldier boy.

We were told your people might try something lame like this.

What kind of evil, pathetic creature is that?

The kind who knows how to bring you down to size, mister.

Girls, don't. Please!

Sorry, Kim.

It was easier for all of us this way.

That's all right. There's plenty more like them.

Thank you, sister, for all your help.

On Aguaterra, they will sing your praises. Really?

No. Right.

Bye.

Bye.

Our mission is almost complete.

You mean... That's right.

All right, give me.

Civilization was created one set at a time.

I've seen my duty and I've done it.

I do read comic books.

Yeah, which means more and more sex.

He was very healthy, wasn't he?

Hello, ladies.

Professor, wait a minute.

Yeah, well, you know, a lot can be learned from watching barnyard animals.

I am quite surprised that all of your pages are blank.

Good.

But nobody ever returns from Earth unchanged.

Let's find out what these cyber dykes are up to.