Original subtitles

This is the heartbeat of an average American male ages 16 to 38.

And this is the heartbeat of an average American male when placed in close

proximity to the average American female.

Now we're going to be seeing a lot of this in the next hour or two, so please,

pay close attention.

Yes!

I've been thinking about my older days.

And I'm wondering if I'm wasting my life away.

Will I get anywhere with you?

So I'm trying harder every night.

I've been working. I've been practicing.

I've been putting over time.

I've got enough.

And I've been thinking about you. you with your hair hanging down

and I've been thinking about how I want to tear up this town

tear up this town

What do you do?

Cause I gotta know Don't try harder

every night I've been working I've been practicing I've been putting over time

And I gotta know

And I've been thinking about you

With your hair hanging down

I've been thinking about how I want to tear up the town

If you behave yourselves, he'll not hurt you.

What are you going to do with us?

I'll first answer your other question.

We've taken care of your boat, and none of you will leave here.

Instead, you will help me in some very important work.

No one asked you here, but your curious nature will in turn aid me very much.

Another average night in the lives of Brad and Janet.

Two swell kids without a thought in their minds. Each living a dishwater

life of mediocrity. Without laughter, without passion, without danger.

Every day is just as the day before that as is the day before that. Every day

until today.

Look, what kind of a creep joint is this?

A place of research and discovery.

A place where science is free from the interference of stupid politicians.

Oh, yeah?

What time did Brad say he was going to be here?

I don't remember.

I know he's supposed to go to the airport and pick up a new shipment of

somewhere. Great. With traffic, he'll be here, like, tomorrow.

If we're lucky.

I can't wait to see the new styles.

That's right. It's a new company, isn't it?

Exactly. I hope they have awesome swimwear. I need a change.

Me too.

Morning, everyone.

Brad, that was quick.

Where do you want this?

Just put it on the counter.

Hawaiian shirts.

Put these on the rack, please.

Wow, look at this.

Babbo, check this one out.

Let's go try these on.

You got it. Brad, watch this door. We're going in back.

Okay,

untie

me.

Okay, me too.

Wow, great tan.

You like?

Yeah, you look like a dessert.

You want a cupcake?

It's not free.

Mmm, yeah.

Hi,

Brad. Janet.

Can we have lunch today?

Let me see.

Well, business is slow anyway, and the girls are in the back having a tizzy

over their new bikinis.

Okay, so the cafe at 1230?

I'll be there, Snuggles.

Brad, don't talk to me like that on the phone.

Sorry, Janet. You know how I get carried away.

Okay, bye.

I've been watching you work today, and I really think it shows a lot of

potential.

Thank you.

I know I've only been here a few days, but I'm trying really hard to fit in.

Yeah, me too.

And I wanted to ask you about this dress. It's very, uh, kinky.

Kinky, Mr. Rogers?

My mother gave this to me for my 16th birthday. I don't think there's anything

kinky about that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not 16 now, are you?

No.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Janet, is I'd like to see just how kinky a

little girl you really are.

Mr. Rogers!

I am not that kind of girl. Let me have a look under that hood, baby. Come on.

No!

I'll let you spank me.

Never.

A new job for Janet means getting along with fellow co-workers in a productive

and cooperative environment.

One generally goes with the other. And success in a workplace depends on a

combination of perspiration and inspiration.

In fact, the only place where you'll find success before work is in a little

book I like to call Webster's.

Janet, you're late.

I know, I'm sorry.

I got your usual.

Yeah, thanks.

I ran into a little problem at work today.

Already?

I really don't want to talk about it.

Does it have to do with... Brad?

That is not conversation for polite company.

You're right. I'm sorry.

You are so understanding.

Why can't all boys be like you?

I don't know.

Here.

Thanks.

What is it?

The man of birthright card, Billy Goose.

Today?

Of course it's today.

Thanks, honey.

Fred, you're embarrassing me.

We've only been going steady for a month.

Now where's my preppy?

Preppy.

Where is it?

I want Fred.

Happy anniversary, Janet.

It's, um... It's...

It's the coolest thing ever!

I knew you'd like it.

Like it? I love it!

It's getting hot in here, Brad. Whoa.

Doctors?

How could this happen?

You give people one tiny, simple assignment, and they manage to screw it

up royally.

Yeah, well, you better hope you find it. And soon, or I'll have you all

annihilated.

Oh, I want my tiki necklace.

Send in Vargas.

Vargas, ma'am?

You heard me. Now be quick about it.

Yes, madam.

There you are. What kept you?

I was delayed.

Well, save your excuses.

I have a job for you.

I am ready.

The mystic tiki of Waimea has been lost.

Even now, it's in the hands of some infantile dog who has no idea of the

power it possesses.

You must retrieve it at any cost.

And bring it back to me.

What do I need to do?

The tiki was mistakenly placed in a shipment of Hawaiian shirts and sent to

a little boutique called the Bikini Ogogo on East Beach.

Do not fail me.

Is there any other service you require?

Well, there is that little thing you do for me every once in a while.

Janet! Just a minute.

Go ahead and make yourself at home.

Hi. Hey, how did your day end up?

Fine. After I locked my office door.

Here. I want to wear this tonight.

Can you help me with it?

There you go.

Ready to do the hula?

Oh, Brad.

Actually, it makes me feel kind of exotic.

Is it hot in here?

No. I think it's quite comfortable.

No.

It's hot.

All of a sudden, I'm just... I'm burning up.

I've got to get these clothes off me, Brad.

It's so hot in here.

Janet, I thought we were watching TV tonight.

No, Brad.

You've got to make love to me tonight.

Now. No.

You don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do.

Brad, you've got to pound me like a tough steak.

Don't make me beg for it.

Janet, this is not like you at all.

Okay, fine. I'll beg.

Drill me like the North Dallas 40.

Come on, Brad.

There's one simple rule to follow when you're not sure how to behave yourself.

Simply don't do a don't and do do a do.

Don't do a don't, do do a do.

It's kind of catchy, isn't it? Don't don't, do do. Do do, don't don't.

I'm going home.

When you return to your senses, you can call me.

Good night, Janet.

What the fuck is his problem?

You're sacrificing our civilization for the resurrection of your own.

Pay-per-view.

Phew.

I'm going to wash my hands.

Ew.

Where'd I put that bleach?

Bleach.

That'll be $39.95, please.

Have you seen this necklace?

No.

But you might want to try Tiki-a-go-go down the next block.

That way.

Have you seen this

necklace?

What makes you think we've got it?

It was delivered here by mistake, and the owner wants it back.

Well, we did get a shipment yesterday from Hawaii.

Did you want to look at the box in the back?

Take me to it.

Take me to it, please?

Take me to it, please.

Follow me.

One thing young people should always remember is never go anywhere with

strangers or people you don't know.

Come to think of it, strangers are people you don't know.

So, next time a stranger approaches you and acts in a suspicious manner, why,

alert your parents right away. Or better yet, call out for the local policeman

just down the block and he'll come running in no time flat.

Otherwise, what is about to happen to Cheryl could happen to you.

It's not here.

I told you so.

But did you look here?

Do you require servicing?

You're the one who looks like you need a loom job, and this is a full service

station.

I am.

Bye.

Have you seen this necklace?

Well, no.

No, I haven't.

Is it lost?

Yes.

Well, I haven't seen it.

Excuse me.

Golly Rodgers, industry.

Is Janet there?

No, I'm sorry. She's not in yet. Can I take a message?

No, that's okay.

Is this her boyfriend?

Sort of.

Tell me something, kid. Does she have any tattoos?

Excuse me?

Never mind, kid. I'll find out for myself.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Rogers.

You feel okay, Jen?

The sex impulse is like a fiery horse.

Uncontrolled, it may be destructive and dangerous.

But controlled, the sex impulse, like a horse, can be the source of power and

service.

I feel okay.

You feel okay?

Yes, yes, but you do look different.

What am I supposed to do, wear the same thing each and every day?

No, of course not, but it is a new look for you.

Oh, I wanted something that would be easy to get into.

It's hot in here, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

You've had no luck?

I believe I know where the tiki has hidden.

Tell me. A man.

Brad Lionel Weaver.

I'm certain he has it.

Well, where can we find this Brad Lionel Weaver? I followed him to this address.

Get out.

Janet? Not quite.

Do you know where she is?

Who are you?

Who I am is unimportant.

I've come to help you.

I think you'd better leave.

That's not possible.

Not until I get my necklace.

So that's what this is all about.

It belonged to me.

Somehow I got mixed up in a shipment of Hawaiian shirts and became lost.

And I think you know where it is.

Why do you think I know where it is?

It has more power than any average human can control.

It's best you return it to me and save yourself a lot of trouble. Now tell me

where it is. I don't know where it is.

Well, perhaps you've forgotten.

Now do you remember where it is?

No.

Soon you'll remember things you didn't even know you forgot.

Is Brad here?

Oh, no. He left early.

I think he was worried about something.

Oh, it's all my fault.

I never should have put that necklace on for a second time.

Necklace?

Yeah, the one he gave me for our anniversary.

Let me see it.

That sticker's necklace, all right. Sure is.

Hers?

As far as we can tell.

Yeah, some big guy's been coming around asking about it.

I don't think you want to run into him.

Whatever am I going to do?

Well, you can come and stay with us for a couple of days, and we can figure

something out.

Sure.

Okay. Let me call Brad first, though, so he doesn't worry.

It only takes one thing dime to call home when you know you're going to be

out late, particularly when it's past your curfew. But how many times have we

sat at those crossroads not making the right decision?

Well, if Janet had called Brad earlier, she may have avoided all this.

So, proper planning and letting people know where you are all the time is

absolutely essential for a clean, healthy, and above all...

Safe lifestyle.

Hey, Brad, it's Janet.

I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you lately.

That necklace made me do it.

I'm going to go over to Karen and Cheryl for the next few days so I can figure

out what to do.

Why don't you meet me at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

Okay?

Ciao.

I've located the tiki. Put Vargas on the line.

So, how do I look?

Fabulous. I still can't believe you only owned a one-piece bathing suit.

Well, I never thought it was appropriate for a lady to wear a bikini.

Oh, I get it.

So tell us about this necklace.

Well, it seemed really innocent at first.

But then when I put it on, it made me feel hot and tingly.

Hot. Really?

It made my private parts throb with desire.

I couldn't control myself.

I did very wicked things.

Well, put it on and let's see what happens.

No, no, I wouldn't dare.

Come on, we're the only ones here.

Nothing bad is going to happen.

Well, okay.

But this is just to show you guys that I'm telling the truth, all right?

Feel anything yet?

I'm starting to.

Is there anything we could do?

Yeah.

You've got to make love to me right now.

Wow, that's a hard invitation to pass up.

What do you think?

I'll take the top. You take the bottom.

And we'll meet in the middle.

I feel like I am going to burst into flames.

I'm gonna burst.

It's a flame!

Right?

Right? Now! Oh, God!

Miss Janet, I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you lately.

That necklace made me do it. I decided to go over to Karen and Cheryl's for a

few days so I could figure out what to do next.

Why don't you meet me at 1313 Monument Lane?

Well, isn't this a pretty scene?

Everybody up.

Where's my necklace?

At last. Hand it over.

Finally. The mystic tiki of Waimea's back rip along.

Unfortunately, while I know it's a cliche, you all knew far too much to

live.

Wait! I have something of extreme value that you're going to be needing.

What's that?

20% off anything in the store?

Vargas, I think it's time we eliminate these ladies.

No. Oh, no.

Not so fast, Tin Man.

Janet. Quit thinking, stud.

So how'd you come up with the water dad?

Well, when I first met this guy, I knew he was a robot.

How'd you know that?

He told me. But who'd have believed him?

And you had sex with him, and you didn't know he was a robot?

Well, there was a funny taste in my mouth. Yeah, motor oil.

So what do we do now that they're gone?

Call the cops?

Eh, the hell with that. Let's dance.

Yeah.

So remember, when

faced with a tough decision, whether at home, in a social situation at school,

or in a gritty lesbian triangle, always remember that honesty... integrity, and

a sturdy set of power tools will always be your best friends.

Janet and Brad were lucky. But what about the other kids? The ones who used

and abused and degraded themselves that weren't so lucky?

Well, if you see one, please, have them give me a call.

Oh, my God.

In Cancun?