Original subtitles

(Drew) 'Good evening and welcome'

'to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"'

'Tonight's performers.'

'Whatever you do, don't step in him'

'Greg Proops.'

'If you're a lady, you gotta love Wayne Brady.'

'Science experiment gone wrong, Colin Mochrie'

'and his fiendish creator, Ryan Stiles!'

And I'm your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down. Let's have some fun.

Hey, welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

the show where everything's made up

and the points don't matter.

Hope you enjoyed watching "The Drew Carey Show" just now.

Uh..

If you've never seen this show before, what happens is

these guys are gonna come down, they're gonna come down on stage

and they're gonna totally improvise

everything you're gonna see tonight.

It's all made up right on the spot

and they go by suggestions that we have

that they've never seen before, and also audience suggestions

and then I give them points, uh, for no reason

because at the end of the show I just pick the guy I like best.

And, uh...they get to do something with me.

So maybe the points are more important

than I thought they were.

Uh, you ready to do the first game, see how it goes?

'Okay.'

The first game is called Let's Make A Date.

It's a game for all four of you.

'Uh, Ryan, Colin and Wayne'

'you're gonna be contestants on a dating-type show'

hoping to be picked by the handsome

and nattily dressed Greg.

[crowd cheering]

- Okay. - 'Oh, yeah.'

(Drew) 'Each of you, uh, is gonna be given a strange characteristic'

'or, uh, identity. It's on the cards there.'

They haven't seen these cards before, uh, just now

and Greg's gonna question them like they do on a dating show

and try to figure out who he wants to go out with.

So, uh, Greg, when you're ready, go to it.

Contestant number one, hi.

[in French accent] Bonjour.

Yeah, how are you?

I am fine, but not as fine as you.

[imitating Maurice Chevalier] Oh, ho-ho.

Oh-oh-oh, uh-huh, huh.

(Greg) 'Uh, wow.'

- Contestant number two. - 'Yes.'

- Hello! - Hello.

- 'Hi.' - Hi.

- 'Hi.' - Hi.

(Greg) 'I heart eating.'

'Uh, if we are gonna go out on a date'

'where might you take me to eat?'

Well..

Excuse me, I..

Take you to eat..

[slurring] Well, I'd probably take you to a restaurant

'cause that's where the food is!

♪ Going to the restaurant ♪

♪ Going to the restaurant ♪

♪ We're gonna go to the rest ♪♪

You sound hecka fun.

Uh, contestant number three.

- 'How are ya?' - 'Good. How are you?'

[in Southern accent] I'm very good, thank you.

I love the out of doors.

If we were gonna.. Yeah.

If we were gonna go somewhere, uh, you know, outside

'where-where would you go?'

Well, I've never been inside

so, uh..

[Drew laughs]

I don't know, we might roll around in the mud for a while.

I'll take good care of you, you wouldn't get hurt

you have to take me to the court and sue.

Sue, sue!

- Sue! - Sue!

[laughs]

Ah, contestant number un.

- 'Oh.' - Uh..

[Drew laughs]

I love the night life.

I like to boogie.

Um, where would you take me

if we were gonna go out dancing?

[in French accent] I would take you to the top of the moon

and then I would spin you around a crater

and slap your lunar surface.

[crowd cheering]

Number two.

Uh, if you were a carpenter..

'...would you rather use a drill or a hammer?'

I love you.

You're great! You're just..

[retching]

[crowd cheering]

I didn't hear the last part.

Um...number three

if I were mashed potatoes

'what would you spoon over me?'

Oh, I'm sorry, I was..

...thinkin' about something else.

[buzzer buzzes]

Okay, uh, Greg, you wanna guess who they are?

Is it hot in here, Drew, or is it just me?

'Uh, number one is a French guy'

'but he's, there's something about the moon.'

'He's a French astronaut of some kind?'

He's a, he's a romantic French guy with..

(Drew) 'Greatest lover in France.'

He's the greatest lover in France.

And Colin is my Uncle Ted.

Yes, it's your Uncle Ted! How'd you guess?

Well, how'd you guess that..

And number three is someone who was in the..

'He's a country guy from the cast of "Deliverance."'

Hog caller, he's a hog caller

uh, who loves other things.

He's a pig, he's a pig farmer from Arkansas.

- 'Of course he is.' - 'Okay.'

Thank you.

And I gotta give a 1000 points to Ryan

for reading my mind.

[laughing]

Alright. Now we come to a game called Scene To Rap.

In this game, Greg and Wayne, you're gonna make up a scene

'and you'll be joined later by Ryan and Colin'

'and, uh, you're all gonna be rapping'

accompanied by mix master, Laura Hall.

Uh, we need a suggestion from the audience

a place where people work.

- A hospital. - Hospital. Okay, good one.

Uh, rapping about the hospital

and, uh, whenever you're ready, go.

[instrumental music]

♪ Beep beep beep beep ♪

♪ Boop boop boop ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Uh-oh ooh uh-oh ooh ♪

♪ Well there we go that's that ♪

♪ We better call the nurse right up here stat ♪

♪ Because this guy he might lose his life race ♪

♪ Because you see he is a terminal case ♪

♪ We need the doc and we need a nurse ♪

♪ Hurry to it stat man I can't rehearse ♪

♪ We gotta save his life he has kids and wife ♪

♪ And if we're not careful he'll go under the knife ♪

♪ Oh okay so he's gonna die ♪

♪ But I gotta ask myself why ♪

♪ I don't know why I'm here I'm a neurologist ♪

♪ I'm with you and you're a proctologist ♪

♪ I'll get the nurse but it's okay ♪

♪ I'm gonna get the nurse hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪ ♪ Well I'm a doctor on the go ♪

♪ And oddly enough my name is Dr. No ♪

♪ If I could rap that would be a sensation ♪

♪ But I can't you see ♪

♪ I'm just a Caucasian say huh ♪

♪ Say huh say huh ♪

♪ Say huh ♪ ♪ That's all I can do say huh ♪

♪ Say huh say huh ♪ ♪ Can't rap ♪

♪ Now we need some help pronto ♪

♪ Or else this man's life will soon go ♪

♪ Can't you do anything Won't you please ♪

♪ Because I'm beggin' you please please please ♪

♪ Well I know he's a man so he don't need a pap ♪

♪ But I'll take these two things and zap zap zap ♪

[imitating voltage through CPR paddles]

♪ Hey there buddies look at him ♪

♪ He's dead he's dead and his name is Jim ♪

♪ What once was is no longer were ♪

♪ He's comin' with me I'm the Grim Reaper ♪♪

[buzzer buzzes]

Yeah!

Uh-oh, 1000 points for Wayne

'cause the ladies love the way he walks.

[women hooting]

Now let's play a game called Hats.

This is for all four of you.

'Uh, Ryan and Colin, come get your box of hats.'

Greg and Wayne, come get your box of hats.

Get your boxes, take them to your little corners.

- Can you get that, Colin? - Yeah.

[Drew laughs]

'Okay, this game goes back and forth really quick'

'and, uh, they have to use'

as many hats as they can in the box

to come up with as many examples as possible

of the world's worst dating service video.

Start with Colin and Ryan, anytime you're ready.

Care to be a Knight Rider?

[buzzer buzzes]

I haven't had it in four score and seven years.

[buzzer buzzes]

All I want is a few merry men.

[buzzer buzzes]

I'm into safe sex.

[buzzer buzzes]

And that's just my hat.

[buzzer buzzes]

My last boyfriend gave me Hermes.

[buzzer buzzes]

You got me, babe.

[buzzer buzzes]

Um, hi, I'm the star of my own ABC sitcom--

[buzzer buzzes]

[buzzer buzzes]

Lewis! Lewis!

And you don't need to worry, I'm a Trojan!

[buzzer buzzes]

I'm looking for a girl

who can keep her mouth shut.

[buzzer buzzes]

Care to be touched by an angel?

[buzzer buzzes]

I'm looking for one good woman who's willing to fight.

Are you willing to fight? I'll represent you!

[buzzer buzzes]

Thank you very much!

Hey, don't go away

we'll be right back right after these messages

for more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Nice to have you back, and, hey

if you're watching on a TV that's made in America

we're all naked right now.

Uh, now we come to a game that's called Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you.

'Uh, Greg, you're gonna be anchor of a news program'

'and Colin, Wayne and Ryan'

'are gonna help him out on the show.'

'Uh, Greg, your co-anchor is Colin'

and Colin, you can no longer hide his love for Greg.

'And the sportscaster is Wayne.'

Wayne, you're gonna be doing James Brown.

'Oh...and the weatherman is Ryan.'

'Ryan, you're the anchor's angry neighbor.'

So, uh, as soon as you hear the music

go ahead and start the show.

[instrumental music]

Good evening, I'm Packed Thickly.

This...is "Action News"

and this is the top story.

Drunken pigs have taken over

the town of Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

Colin?

You said that so nicely.

You know, if you're an "X-files" fan

you're into conspiracies and hidden secrets

and...sometimes those secrets just have to come out!

Sometimes..

...there's something unspoken between two people

maybe more on the side of one person than the other

but I've gotta tell you something, Greg.

Ever since I saw you at WPPL

out there in Omaha, saying the news

my heart just broke.

My God, you're beautiful! Kiss me.

Kiss me like you've never kissed an anchor before.

I..

My God! I am truly a man!

Our second story, Colin has come out.

Now..

It's time for sports.

And I know I'm ready for some.

Wayne..

- Wayne! - Huh? Huh?

'Let us know what's going on over in the sports world.'

♪ What you want huh ♪

♪ Got those right here huh ♪

♪ Because the cardinals ♪

♪ They didn't win a baseball game huh ♪

♪ Gotta get up huh huh they gotta get up huh ♪

♪ Because the score was 0-1 and he hit a goal huh ♪

♪ A goal he hit it huh ♪

♪ Yeah they won Hit me ♪

♪ Yeah you did you a bad mutha ♪

♪ Shut your mouth ha ♪

♪ Gotta hit a baseball now huh ♪

♪ Can you feel it huh ♪

♪ I can't do it I can't ah ♪

♪ Yeah da da da huh ♪

♪ Gotta get that ball huh I gotta ow ♪

♪ Can't I can't do it I can't do it ♪

♪ I can't do it I can't do it ♪

♪ Aww huh.. ♪

One more time. No, James, no.

♪ I can't do it huh hey ♪♪

I saw the way you looked at him, but I don't care.

You're big enough for the both of us.

♪ You's a Froot Loop huh ♪♪

Well, uh, now it's time for weather.

And let's go to Ryan over at the big satellite weather map.

'Ryan, what's on tap this weekend?'

Well, thank you, Packed.

Thanks for remembering me over here.

Thank you very much, Packed.

Well, we've got some, uh, cloudy, cloudy weather

some bad weather coming in in the next little while.

And after seeing you naked prancing around the house

I've gotta say, we've got some small craft warnings

to be seen!

We've got some lightning coming in

and I hope it hits your house

and fries you like a steak!

You can do better than him

you're way too good for him!

Back to you, Packed.

Well, thank you.

[clears throat]

That-that's been the news this evening

and I'm sure you've enjoyed it as much as I am

uh, have.

Tune in, tune in..

...tune in tomorrow for "Love Muffins"

our morning program.

I'll be there with Colin to explain everything.

Goodnight, everyone.

Whoo!

A million and a half points for Colin

for kissing Greg Proops.

Now we go on to a game called

Greatest Hits, my favorite game.

This is a game for Colin, Ryan and Wayne

'with the help of Laura Hall on the keyboards.'

'Laura Hall.'

'Uh, Colin and Ryan, you're, uh, TV voice-over artists'

and you're pitching the latest compilation album

and, Wayne, you're gonna sing, uh, snippets of the songs.

What we need from the audience is a profession

you wouldn't normally sing songs about.

[indistinct yelling]

'Bus driver?'

Bus driver. That's a good one.

So the name of your album is "Songs Of The Bus Driver."

Hi, we interrupt the commercial

to bring you another commercial.

We've got an offer for you

over 500 songs on 50 CDs.

And what about?

Why, our old friend, the bus driver.

Throughout the ages

well, at least the ages where we had buses

the bus driver has been our friend

and we've had songs that went along

with our bus driver friend.

Remember this

Michael Jackson hit

"You're Not On My Root?"

That'd be route? Route.

[instrumental music]

♪ Ah ah ♪

♪ Ss uh-uh ♪

♪ You want me to go north ♪

♪ I'm goin' south ♪

♪ You're not on my root ♪

♪ I mean route Hoo ♪

♪ Girl you're buggin' me you're makin' me scream ♪

♪ Because you're not a bus driver's dream ah ♪

♪ I'm drivin' the bus ah ♪

♪ There are people in the back ♪

♪ Because where you're goin' ♪

♪ Is a common sense that you lack ♪

♪ I'm not goin' your root-route hoo ♪

♪ I'm not your root-route ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Your root-route huh ♪

♪ Your root-route uh ♪♪

Michael Jackson, a wonderful singer

and a great head coach.

You know, there's a lot of songs

'that you won't hear in this country'

'that we've taken from others.'

How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this?

Or even a 50-CD set like this?

Why, I'd pay up to $50,000.

But I'm an idiot!

And you're from Canada, so with the exchange..

I'm still an idiot.

There are so many hits on this CD set

that you can't listen to 'em all in one day

but you can try.

And you know, none is more popular

than that number-one country-western hit

simply titled, "Pfff!"

[instrumental music]

♪ Pfff ♪

[blowing]

[imitating bus door opening]

[blowing]

[imitating bus door opening]

[imitating bus honking]

♪ Come on come on ♪♪

[imitating bus door opening]

[blowing]

Ting. Crink.

Come on!

[crowd cheering]

You know, when driving on the bus

or as our Canadian friends say, a boose..

As our regular viewers know--

- You've made me giggle. - I know.

As our regular viewers know, I'm a pretty hip, groovy guy.

- And I love the '80s funk. - Oh, who doesn't?

Remember that great one?

"I Got A Flat Tire." "I Got A Flat Tire."

[instrumental music]

♪ Man I didn't think that I'd be alive ♪

♪ Driving down the 405 ♪

♪ All of a sudden just like that my bus went ♪

[imitating tires screeching]

♪ Damn I gots a flat ♪

♪ Oh that's right ♪

♪ Makes me want to retire ♪

♪ Yeah baby I've got a flat tire ♪

♪ I've got flat uh a flat uh ♪

♪ You know I do I've got a flat ♪

♪ Say what I've got a flat ♪

♪ Oww ♪♪

[crowd cheering]

- Yeah. - It was too good.

(Drew) 'Man, oh, man.'

Hey, don't go anywhere 'cause when we come back

to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

we're gonna find out who the winner is

and we're gonna do some improv with them

so stay right where you are.

Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Tonight's winners are Ryan and Greg.

Ryan and Greg are the winners.

Thank you, Ryan and Greg.

And they're gonna play a game with me called News Flash.

What happens in News Flash is they're news people

in a newsroom.

I'm gonna be the guy that's in the field.

I'm gonna stand right over here in front of this green screen

and the trick of this game is

I don't know what's on the green screen

and, uh, only the people watching the monitor know.

So I can't see the monitors anywhere

and I have to try to guess

what's on the green screen during the course of the game.

So, uh, Ryan and Greg

whenever you're ready, take it away.

- I'm Thomas Guide. - And I'm Mark the page.

And we've got Drew Carey out in the field.

Drew, can you hear us, Drew?

Uh, yeah, I can hear you fine.

Uh, it's a little windy in here, a little noisy

but I can hear you pretty good.

(Greg) 'Really? How are you feeling right now?'

'Has there been any change?'

Uh, uh, there's been a quite a bit of excitement

since this morning, the, uh..

Boy, people are drinking like crazy

let me tell you that.

(Ryan) 'Drew, Drew, are you in any sort of danger at the moment?'

Uh, no, not that I know of.

They seem to like me pretty much

and, uh, they like my deodorant

so they're pretty much leaving me alone, uh, whoever it is.

(Greg) 'Can you characterize your feelings right now?'

I feel very...alone.

Uh..

Alone and lonely.

Drew, you're the king in our book, you know that!

(Greg) 'Do you have any solutions personally for this?'

Oh, no, I leave that up to the experts.

I don't try to tell people what to do.

I'm just a lonely, country reporter.

(Ryan) 'Well, Drew, you..'

Drew, do you have any idea

whether it's a red bum or a blue bum?

Is there monkeys behind me? Chimpanzees?

(Greg) 'Do you have any idea? Take a, take a big guess.'

Alright, there's a giant King Kong or something, right?

[crowd cheering] Oh!

[buzzer buzzes]

I can't believe I lucked out.

Hey, thanks for watching

"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Goodnight!

[theme music]