Original subtitles

(Drew) Good evening and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

'Tonight's performers, the man who put the wood'

'in Sherwood, Brad Sherwood.'

'The illegitimate son of Mike and Carol, Wayne Brady.'

'Say it loud, he's bald and proud, Colin Mochrie.'

'And the cute Beatle, Ryan Stiles.'

And I'm your host Drew Carey. Come on, let's have some fun.

Hello, and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show where everything is made up

and the points don't matter.

What happens on this show is all four performers

are gonna come up here, appear during the show

and they're gonna totally make up and improvise everything

you're gonna see tonight based on the suggestions

from us and the audience.

And then at the end of each thing they do

I'm gonna award them points, which really don't matter

'cause at the end of the show, I'm just gonna pick

whoever I like the best to, uh, join me

'to do some impromptus at the end of the show.'

So, uh, ready to get started and see how it works?

We are gonna start

with a game called Let's Make A Date.

This is for all our players.

Ryan, Colin and Wayne, you're gonna be contestants

'on a dating-type show hoping to be picked by Brad'

'just like we all are.'

'And, uh'

each of them has been given a strange characteristic

or identity. They've never seen these before.

'Uh, they're, first time they're looking inside the envelopes.'

'Brad, you're gonna question them about'

'their suitability for dating. We all know how it works.'

And, uh, at the end

you're gonna try to guess who they are.

When you're ready, Brad, go ahead.

[as a woman] Bachelor number one

'I love poetry.'

'Write me a poem.'

A woman like you is so first-rate.

That's how I equate you to this beautiful state.

I'd love to run my hands through your rich, lush foliage

and to be your man would be my privilege.

Vote me.

Ding.

Bachelor number two

if I were a damsel in distress, how would you rescue me?

I'd have to think about it first.

Hopefully, if your face was on fire, I'd beat it out.

'Uh..'

- Look deep into my eyes-- - Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on. Come on.

Woo me.

- What you? - Woo me.

Oh. Alright, just once.

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo, woo, woo!

Hmm, you might not win.

Bachelor number three..

...I love to get swept away.

How will you sweep me away?

Well, first I'd probably..

...take you down to a beach in Florida

where we'd lie on the beach, look at the stars

many of which I've been to before.

I don't know what..

[gagging]

[buzzer]

Okay, Brad, you wanna guess, uh, who they are?

I think, uh, bachelor number one

'is a politician running for office.'

Yeah, he's running for governor, right.

I think bachelor number two

thinks I'm the ugliest woman on the planet.

Yeah, he thinks you're absolutely repulsive.

And bachelor number three is either Jim Henson

'or he's had an alien coming out of him.'

Oh, either one would be correct. Thank you very much.

That'll be 100 points to Colin

for finally telling the truth about Brad.

Now we're gonna go on to a game called, uh

Film, Theater And Television Styles.

This is for Ryan and Colin

'and, uh, they're gonna act out a scene'

and, uh, we here in the audience, we're gonna give them

different, uh, film, theater and television styles to act out in.

What I need from the audience is different styles of television--

- Shakespeare, Shakespeare. - 'Shakespeare.'

- Sci-fi. - Mime.

Mime doesn't really work good on a show with microphones.

- Romantic western. - One-man show.

- Horror. - Western.

- Musical. - Disaster, horror, well, uh..

One-man show won't work 'cause it's..

- Porno. - Porno's a good one,

Whoever said porno.

Okay, that's enough. We can go.

Uh, okay, your, uh, scene is

Colin suspects his rival Ryan of

yeah, that's you, of cheating in a fly fishing competition.

And, uh, you're gonna start out like normal

'and I'll put in these different styles as you get going.'

[imitates gunshots]

- Excuse me, I.. - Yes.

[chuckles]

I hope you don't think I'm being forward

but I think you're cheating.

I hope you have some proof to back that up.

Well, all those fish with the big holes in their gullets.

[buzzer]

Uh, Western movie.

That's right, I shot 'em.

'Cause they were no-good fish.

That fish was my pa!

I should have known. You look like a guppy.

I didn't know you guppy boys were back in town.

Them's fightin' words, stretch.

[buzzer]

Disaster.

My God, all the water in the pond..

...it's going. The fish are just lying on the beach.

And they're bursting into flame.

And the ground's starting to shake.

Meteor!

There's only one hope.

- Run from side to side? - Yes.

[buzzer]

Uh, porno.

I'm all sweaty.

Yes, you are.

Let me grab something I can dry you off with.

Wow, you're all tense.

You have very strong hands. Are you a plumber?

[imitates sexy music]

[buzzer]

Alright, that's plenty.

That's great. Thank you.

Very nice.

A hundred points to Ryan for making me think of him naked.

Now we go into a game called Duet.

'This is for Brad and Wayne'

'and they're gonna be accompanied'

'by Laura Hall on the piano.'

Laura Hall.

They're gonna sing a duet, anyone here in the audience

would like a duet sung about them?

Anybody.. Hey, right here in the front row.

- What's your name? What? - Alicia.

Alicia, what do you do for a living, Alicia?

- I'm a student. - A student of what?

- Music. - Uh-oh.

[Drew chuckles] This I gotta see.

Alicia, student of music, meet Brad and Wayne.

- What instrument do you.. - Hi.

(Brad) Back off.

- What's your main instrument? - I sing.

[chuckles]

Would you like to borrow some cotton?

Wow.

(Drew) 'I'm just kidding around. They're really good.'

Uh, Alicia, they're gonna sing a song to you

'and they're going to do it in the style of a swing song'

sort of a Dean Martin/ Sammy Davis Jr. type of thing.

[piano music]

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Shababa do do ba do do ♪

♪ Now check this man listen to me ♪

♪ You and I could make some groovy harmony ♪

♪ Because I like that way your notes they sail ♪

♪ I'd like to run all up and down your scale ♪

♪ Alicia good to meet ya ♪

♪ Don't you fret ♪ ♪ Swing cat swing ♪

♪ 'Cause when I change your key you and I will sing a duet ♪

♪ Ba ba day bay bay bay ♪

♪ You and me together in two-part harmony ♪

♪ I don't care whether you want to sing ♪

♪ In the key C or D G baby ♪

♪ Alicia you see ♪

♪ I dig you ♪ ♪ Ba ba ba dwee dwee dee ♪

♪ I want to go.. ♪

[scatting]

♪ ...on you ♪

♪ There's no way no one else compares ♪

♪ Because I dig your voice and I dig your hair ♪

♪ Say it again I dig your voice ♪

♪ And I dig your hair ♪♪

(Drew) 'Thank you.'

'That was great.'

Hey, while I work out the points for that

we're gonna go to a commercial. Don't go away.

We'll be right back with a lot more

of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show where everything's made up

and the points don't matter.

Hey, we have a big score from the last round.

If you're watching a TV that's made in America

it'll appear right on the bottom of your screen.

Now we go on to a game called Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you, Brad, you're gonna be

anchorman of a news show

and, uh, Colin, Wayne and Ryan

'you're gonna be the co-presenters.'

And, uh, Colin, you're, you're gonna play a character.

You're a kid showing off in class.

'Uh, Wayne, you're going to be doing sports'

and you're a teenager who can't believe

'he's being dumped by his girlfriend.'

And, Ryan, you're the weatherman.

You're getting younger and younger.

So whenever you hear the music, Brad..

Whenever you hear the music..

[music starts]

Hello and welcome to the 6:30 news.

I'm your host Chuck Sirloin.

Vice President Al Gore was at a fundraiser today

where he walked around in women's lingerie

for charity purposes.

People say he looked good in a pink slip.

[as a kid] Look what I'm doing. Look how, look, I'm talking.

Look how fast I'm talking. Look how fast. Look how..

Look now how I'm talking. Look how fast my mouth is going.

I can go.. Look, look. Look how fast it's going.

My mouth is going really fast. Blah blah blah blah.

[laughing]

Well, isn't that refreshing?

Just a little too much Ritalin.

Alright, now let's find out what's going on

at the sports desk, shall we?

'Here's Frank "Clam" Chowder. Frank.'

What's up? Umm, today the Buccaneers

they lose again, but..

[no audio]

Dude, what the..

Because he lost the ball like I lost you.

You suck.

I hate you.

Yeah, I hate you. Yeah, broad.

I feel like the meat in an incompetent sandwich.

And, and speaking of weather

let's find out from Al Nino what the weekend has in store.

[as an old man] Well, thank you, Brad.

Well, as you can see, we've got some clouds

moving in over the weekend.

[as a middle-aged man] Hopefully that'll clear up a little later in the week.

A little later in the week..

[as a punk] Wait, that is so cool that that's gonna happen.

[as a boy] I can't believe she kissed me. Why would she kiss me like that?

Goo goo, goo goo.

[babbling]

[imitates a toddler crying]

(Brad) 'Well..'

It looks like the weekend weather report

is just going to be a gleam in someone's eye.

That's all the time we have for the 6:30 news.

Stay tuned tonight at 11:00. Thank you. Goodnight.

You're fired.

That was great. Unfortunately, that was a non-scoring round.

Now we go on to a game called Moving People.

In this game, Colin and Ryan, you're gonna improvise a scene

'but they can't move unless somebody moves them.'

I need two volunteers from the audience

'to help move Ryan and Colin around.'

Uh, okay, you two know each other.

Come here.

Uh, go up to your favorite improv-er.

Go up the cutest one, really quick.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- 'Okay.' - Oh, God bless you.

(Drew) 'What's your.. I'm sorry. I forgot to..'

'I forgot to ask your names. What's your name?'

- Katie. - Lacey.

[imitates gunshot]

So, Katie and Lacey, why don't you move

Ryan and Colin in any old position right now?

'They can't move unless you move them'

'so treat them like they're mannequins.'

'Totally flexible mannequins.'

'Remember, we're on network television.'

'Okay, that's a good place to start right there.'

And remember, during the scene, they can't move

unless you move them and, uh, Ryan and Colin..

Colin, you're an outlaw robbing Ryan's stagecoach.

Just give me a sec. My gun's stuck.

That's alright, I haven't finished

the Pledge of Allegiance yet.

Okay, now I've got the gun loosened.

I'll just pull it out of my nose.

- Right. - First, I'll think about it.

Don't shoot me. My arms are in the air.

Don't shoot.

And I'm about to pull the gun

out of my nose.

- 'Or maybe somebody is.' - There we go.

Give me all your.. Oh, there you are.

- Give me all your money. - Alright.

You'll want the strongbox. It's on top of the..

On top of my thigh here.

Look, I'll split half the money with you

and I won't report it. That's what I'm saying.

Either that or we have a draw, my friend.

- Alright, back-- - Back--

- I-- - Back--

- Back to back, ten paces? - You got it.

- Back to back, my friend. - Here we go.

Here we go now.

Maybe I'll untwist my legs to make it easier.

Yes, that's exactly what we're going to do.

And I will face the opposite direction of you.

Hence, back to back.

- I'm doing it now. - Alright.

Is your gun in your holster?

I hope I pull a gun faster than this.

Instead of ten, why don't we make it three?

Alrighty.

Why don't we just make it one? Save a lot of time.

- I'm already on two. - Alright.

- One.. - Two.

This is where the lightning draw comes in.

I'm just staying in the same spot.

I'm going back and forth

just to confuse you.

Bang.

Missed.

- Bang. - I think..

Oh, that one got me.

Oh, I'm feeling faint.

I think I might fall.

I'd catch you, but I don't think I'd make it over there in time.

- It's okay. It's a slow fall. - Bang, bang.

[buzzer]

(Drew) Thank you very much.

Oh, just think if they knew the game was called Moving People.

Okay, uh, now we go on to a game called Scene To Rap.

This is for Brad and Wayne.

They're gonna make up a scene

'later joined by Colin and Ryan'

'and, uh, they'll be rapping the whole tune.'

Now, what I need from the audience

is an everyday place where people work.

- Summer camp. - Bank.

- Restaurant. - 'Summer camp's good though.'

That was the first one. Summer camp.

Anytime you're ready.

[music starts]

♪ Well I'm sittin' in the sun I don't know what to do ♪

♪ Gonna get me a paddle and maybe a canoe ♪

♪ I'm gonna have the day away ♪

♪ But make sure I get some mosquito spray ♪

♪ I don't wanna get a sunburn ♪

♪ I got something that I gotta learn ♪

♪ So give me some more of that SPF ♪

♪ And put it on me right here my friend Jeff ♪

♪ Listen to me listen to me Yes oh man ♪

♪ Because this job is really glad ♪

♪ To see me here at the summer camp ♪

♪ You know you could swim and jump off the boat ramp ♪

♪ The great thing about this job you see ♪

♪ Is that you got this job with me ♪

♪ We'll have this job today and we'll have it manana ♪

♪ Here come the kids to bust the pinata ♪

♪ Well I'm the new counselor here to help you ♪

♪ But I'm a little shy you gotta tell me what to do ♪

♪ Look a little weird please don't ask ♪

♪ I got a big old knife and a hockey mask say whoo ♪

♪ It's Jason it's Jason ♪ ♪ What what ♪

♪ It's Jason it's Jason ♪

♪ He's a racin' so we'll be facin' ♪

♪ Run run ♪ ♪ Oh no oh no ♪

♪ Someone get a gun ♪

♪ Stand right there don't have a care ♪

♪ I will save you I'm Smokey The Bear ♪

♪ Put out that campfire put it out now ♪

♪ Before I hit you with a big brown cow ♪

♪ I know that don't make much sense ♪

♪ But I don't care yeah ♪

♪ Listen to me listen to me my heart's racing ♪

♪ Two camp counselors there is Jason ♪

♪ I've got kids and I've got a wife ♪

♪ He's got a hockey mask and he's got a knife ♪

♪ I'll put out the fire I did it already ♪

♪ Do something about the guy with the machete ♪♪

[buzzer]

That was great. Don't go away.

We'll be back with more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Find out who the winner is right after this.

Hi, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Tonight's winner, Ryan Stiles. Ryan stiles is the winner.

Like I said, it has nothing to do with the points.

It's just 'cause I like him the most.

And, uh, what we're gonna do is we're gonna play

a game together called 90-Second Alphabet.

And, uh, we're gonna do a scene

and every sentence we say has to start

with the very next letter of the alphabet.

- Starting with what letter? - G.

G. Okay, that's the first letter I heard.

G and, uh, Brad, what's our scene?

Drew, you're in a restaurant complaining

to a temperamental waiter and that will be played by Ryan.

And how long do we get for this 90-second game?

Ninety seconds.

I have a stopwatch and I will be timing you.

Gentlemen, are you ready? Go.

Garcon, garcon

there's a, uh, something wrong with my food here.

- It's a little cold. - Ha ha ha.

[in French accent] I'm not your waiter, sir.

I thought you told me you were gonna be..

You said a big thing. "Hi, I'm gonna be--"

Just because I speak to you doesn't mean I must serve you.

Knife, can I have a knife?

Is there any.. Can I have a knife?

Let me get you a knife.

Lucky I was wearing my knife-proof vest.

Many people have said that to me before.

Many.

Now what are you gonna do about my meal?

Oh, suddenly you want a free meal.

- Is that what you're saying? - Perhaps.

That's what I'd like. A free meal, yes.

That would be...a good place to start.

Que?

Right now, I think you'd better get your manager, young man.

Better get your manager right now.

Super. I will.

[in American accent] Yes, you had a problem, sir?

Take your time. I've been waiting here for five minutes.

My food is cold. The waiters have been nasty--

(Brad) 'Thirty seconds.'

Usually I don't come out at all

but he said this is important.

Very good. I'd like a free meal.

Well, who wouldn't?

Xaviera Hollander told me to come here

and eat in this restaurant.

Yes, yes, yes, she comes here quite often.

I've heard from her.

Ziegfried and Roy told me this was a good place to eat.

Absolutely. They've all had dinner here.

Bozo The Clown said they had the best desserts here.

- 'Ten seconds.' - Clowns! We never serve clowns.

Don't you deny it.

Eclair?

Fine, I'm just gonna leave

and I'll take my business elsewhere.

Good. Bye-bye.

[buzzer]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much for watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

[theme music]