Original subtitles

(Drew Carey) 'Good evening, and welcome to..'

'Tonight's performers..'

'The man with the dirty last name..'

'...Greg Proops.'

'He's what's for dinner..'

'...Wayne Brady.'

'The handsomest man in Canada..'

'...Colin Mochrie.'

'And his son..'

'...Ryan Stiles.'

And I'm your host Drew Carey and welcome to "Whose Line."

Come on, let's have some fun.

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

And welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show where everything's made up

and the points don't matter.

- He-he.. - 'Uh..'

How the show works is, uh, during the show

we're gonna ask our performers to come up

and they're gonna totally make up in front of you, uh..

...scenes based on suggestions that

we give them and the audience gives them.

They've never seen, uh, any of the material before.

They don't know what's gonna happen to 'em.

'It'll be really fun,' 'and then I award'

them points based on my whimsy.

And...uh...the points don't matter, 'cause at the end

of the show I just pick the guy I like the best, and he wins.

[audience laughing]

And then we get to do a scene together at the end of the show.

So, let's get things started. Ready to see the first game?

[audience cheering]

(Drew) 'The first game'

we're gonna do is called "Let's Make A Date."

This is for all 4 of you.

'Ryan, Colin and Wayne are gonna be contestants'

'on a dating-type show hoping to be picked'

by Greg, who's, uh, lonely and desperate.

(Drew) 'And...uh..'

[audience chuckling]

Ha.. Each of them has been given

a strange characteristic or ability.

I'd like to remind you they haven't seen these before.

It's the first time they're havin' a look at 'em.

'Uh..'

[audience laughing]

Oh, they're very happy.

Greg's gonna question them about the, uh, chances of getting

a date and then try to guess who they are at the end of the game.

Anytime you're ready.

Contestant number one. Hi.

Hello, girl. Ha ha ha ha!

[audience laughing]

(Greg) 'Your a.. You're a jolly sort.'

That's 'cause I don't let things get to me.

Sometimes they might get to me, but they don't get to me.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

Ha ha! Whoo-ha!

Right. Number one.

I love holidays.

If I was a turkey, what would you stuff me with?

[audience laughing]

Oh, girl, that's pretty simple.

I'd stuff you with croutons.

♪ Da-da da-na I'd stuff you with salt ♪

♪ Da-da da-na I'd stuff you.. ♪♪

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

Number 2! Hi.

- Hey. - 'Ya.. yeah..'

(Greg) 'Nice to.. Hi.'

[audience laughing]

(Greg) 'Are y.. Are you okay?'

- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - 'Alright.'

[audience clapping]

(Greg) 'Okay. I..'

[audience laughing]

[audience chuckling]

[audience cheering]

[laughing]

[audience clapping]

Number 3. Hi.

Hello.

It's nice to be here.

- Hi. - Hello, hello.

- How are you? - Fine, thank you very much.

Good, Listen. Yo quiero lovin'.

Hey, where would you take me for a romantic evening?

Well, I'd suppose we'd go out to a movie.

Maybe, uh...dinner after that. Dinner...mashed potatoes, uh..

...gravy. Uh...I guarantee you'll have a great night.

I'll have you home by 10:00. I hear 11:00, I hear 12:00.

I don't know. I'll have you home some time.

[audience cheering]

Heh-heh..

[audience clapping]

Thank you. Uh, number one...

- 'Yeah, girl.' - Yeah...

[audience laughing]

I'm a late sleeper.

What's it like for you when you first get up in the mornin'?

I think to myself, I'm feeling low

and I need some lovin' to get me up.

[audience laughing]

And I stretch and I stretch, and I think about you

♪ 'Cause they ain't no secret to what you can do ♪

Ha ha!

♪ I hear you oh, yeah ♪

(Wayne) ♪ I love you, I swear ♪

♪ I love you oh, yeah ♪

Ha!

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

That's okay.

I-I'm growing fond of you, as well.

- Number 2. - Yeah, yeah--

- What, what? - Yeah.

(Greg) 'I like to keep in shape'

'and I like to run around in the park.'

Really! Yeah, yeah.

What.. What do you do to...to keep in shape?

Same thing. Throw me the ball.

Where the...throw the ball, throw the ball.

[grunting]

[audience clapping]

[audience cheering]

- Number 3. - 'Yeah, hi.'

- Hello. - Hello, hello.

- 'Hi, hi.' - Hi.

(Greg) 'Hi, I like to go'

to those discount restaurants 'cause it's cheaper.

How much would you spend on a dinner?

Oh, I couldn't say.

I'd probably spend $5.00, $10, maybe $20.

I just wanna impress you.

I wanna impress you uh...as much as I can.

I wanna sleep with you once.

I wanna sleep with you twice.

And sold!

[audience cheering]

[buzzer]

[audience clapping]

Uh...Pooky, would you like to guess?

Alright, Drew. Uh..

I think number one is a blues singer?

(Drew) 'Yeah, an old blues singer.'

[applause]

Number 2 is a spotted jackal from the Serengeti plains.

[audience chuckling]

He's a.. He's a dog!

Yeah, an excitable dog.

(Greg) A boney dog.

[applause continues]

And number 3 is extremely hyper.

(Greg) 'I think he's a...a..'

- An auctioneer of some-- - 'Yes.'

[indistinct chatter]

[audience cheering]

That was great. Uh, 50 points to Colin

for stickin' his tongue out so much.

[audience laughing]

(Drew) 'Now we come to a game called'

"Sound Effects." Uh...this is for Colin and Ryan.

Colin, you're gonna improvise a scene

and you'll have to respond to sound effects made by Ryan.

- Here's a microphone, Ryan. - Thank you.

And, uh, your scene is..

...you're an ambulance driver

'on your first emergency call.'

An ambulance driver on, uh, his first emergency call.

Take it away.

[snoring]

[muttering]

Oh, just like that. Oh, my..

(Ryan) 'Ding ding ding ding ding'

'ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding--'

[click]

Oh!

[heaves]

Oh-ho-ha.

[pigeons cooing]

[squawk]

[audience laughing]

Uh-ha.

tack tack tack

[audience laughing]

oh!

tack tack tack

[door open]

[door close]

[engine revving]

[engine whines]

[engine starts]

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

[Drew laughing]

[grunts]

thud

[engine revving]

[revving continues]

[Drew laughs]

[siren blaring]

[ice cream truck music]

thud

[siren blaring]

[tires screech]

[thunk]

[door closes]

Oh!

[heartbeat]

[grunts]

[electricity zapping]

[electricity zapping]

[electricity zapping]

[audience cheering]

[puncture]

[thumping]

[heartbeat]

[groaning]

[muttering]

Hey, thank you very much.

[audience chuckling]

[door closes]

[engine starts]

'Aah!'

[buzzer]

[audience cheering]

[talking indistinctly]

[audience clapping]

All that energy, all that thought that was brilliant.

Uh...unfortunately, that was a non-scoring round.

[sighs]

[audience laughing]

Ha, really sorry.

Uh, now we go on to a game called "Hats".

This is for all 4 of you.

Colin and Ryan, come get the first box

of hats here, right in front.

And Greg and Wayne, you're gonna use

the other box of hats.

And uh, this is a rapid-fire game

and each of you has to, as fast as possible

come up with as many examples of

the world's worst dating service video.

The world's worst dating service video.

[audience laughing]

Colin and Ryan, you're gonna start.

[audience laughing]

I may taste like butter..

[audience laughing]

[buzzer]

[audience clapping]

I like to take things as they come

and I'm all one for letting our love grow.

[buzzer]

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

[audience chuckling]

Just use your imagination.

[audience roaring]

[buzzer]

[audience clapping]

I hope you don't mind sand in everything.

[audience cheering]

[buzzer]

I'd like to ask you out.

All I need is a little courage!

[audience clapping]

[buzzer]

[effeminately] I'm just one flame looking for another.

[buzzer]

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

(Ryan as Crocodile) I'll be the best date

you ever had, and that's no crock!

[audience laughing]

[buzzer]

Uh...Hi, I've been trapped on a desert island

for the last 7 years with a movie star

and a professor, and I need it.

[buzzer]

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

I'd like to take you out for a few drinks

but...I'm a miner.

[audience chuckling]

[buzzer]

[audience cheering]

[Indian accent] I am predicting a lot of booty tonight.

[audience roaring]

[buzzer]

Come on, I'm horny.

[audience laughing]

[buzzer]

[Scottish accent] That's great!

They call me black Angus.

[audience laughing]

[buzzer]

[audience roaring]

I see great things in the future for us.

I know, I've got crystal balls.

[audience laughing]

[buzzer]

[audience clapping]

Shogabah!

Maboto like virgin.

[audience laughing]

[buzzer]

Thank you very much.

We'll be right back with more of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Right after this, don't go away.

[audience cheering]

[theme music]

Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show where everything is made up

and the points don't matter.

Uh, I don't know know how many points to award

because during the commercial I was takin' off my pants.

[audience laughing]

(Drew) 'That's right.'

Okay, now we go on to a game called "Greatest Hits".

This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne with help of Laura Hall.

On the keyboards, Laura Hall.

[audience applauding]

We just found her outside before the show.

Can you believe it?

Uh, Colin and Ryan are T.V. voice-over people

and you're gonna be talkin' about

the latest compilation album and Wayne

you're gonna sing snippets of the songs.

What we need from the audience is the, uh, a kind of profession

you wouldn't normally sing a song about.

[audience shouting]

- 'Accounting!' - 'Uh, okay.'

(female #1) 'Accounting!'

Okay, I heard a lot of a.. Heard a lot of "Accounting".

[audience cheering]

Don't know how you're gonna do it, but good luck.

Uh...the name of your album is "Songs Of Accounting".

Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

We'll be back to the 24-hour

Drew Carey network in just a moment.

But first we've got a special offer for you.

You know, many people think accountants are boring.

isn't it?

[scoffs] They are.

But out of great boredom comes great songs

and we've come up with a 25,000-hour C.D.

filled with songs of accounting.

That's right. We have, Colin.

Many different songs.

Who forget...forget that disco favorite

D-I-V-O-R-C-E I.R.S.?

[audience laughing]

[disco beat]

♪ Get out ♪

♪ Get out ♪

♪ Listen to me ♪

♪ Here's a fact you will believe ♪

♪ You cheated on me ♪

♪ Now I want your ass to leave ♪

♪ That is right ♪

♪ None of this is funny ♪

♪ Just pack your bags and give me all your money ♪

♪ I said D-I-V-O-R-C-E ♪

♪ I-R-S ♪

♪ Yeah I said ♪

♪ D-I-V-O-R-C-E ♪

♪ I-R-S ♪♪

(Drew) 'Oh, thanks.'

[audience applauding]

[audience clapping]

For me, that brings back memories of big pants

and shoes with fish in the heels.

[audience chuckling]

Enough about yesterday.

Every song a hit, every hit a smack.

But you know what?

[chuckles]

I even have a song on this.

- Remember that? - You do not.

But we don't have time to listen to it.

What we do have time to listen to

is that great song from the swing era..

"Your Love Has Bankrupted Me."

[pop melody]

[piano continues]

♪ Because I would bet 7 ♪

♪ Hoping that your love would ♪

♪ Take me all the way to heaven ♪

♪ But I guess when you gamble ♪

♪ You've got no luck ♪

♪ Your love has left me bankrupt ♪

♪ Oh, chapter 11 of the heart's what I got ♪

♪ It's hot Chapter 11 ♪

♪ Of the heart's what I got ♪

♪ Hey, without you around me ♪

♪ Ain't got nobody see, 'cause ♪

♪ Chapter 11 is what I am ♪

♪ Because your love has left me bankrupt ♪

♪ Why don't you get out of here? Oh, yeah ♪♪

[buzzer]

[audience roaring]

[everyone clapping]

Man!

- Hey, Colin. - What, Ryan?

How much money would you pay

for a 2 C.D. set like this?

Oh well, I don't know. Thirty nine dollars?

[audience chuckling]

Unfortunately, it's $69.95.

But I was talking thirty nine dollars

in a foreign currency which doesn't quite--

- Add up to more than that. - Add up to more than that.

Oh, because the hits keep on coming.

Who could ever forget that early

Rock-N-Roll favorite, "Deduct This"?

[audience laughing]

[upbeat music]

Whoo!

♪ Here's some things I know you see ♪

♪ But you better better save all your receipts ♪

♪ Because you better save them ♪

♪ Because you'll do all the best ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Because if you don't save your receipts ♪

♪ An accountant can deduct ♪

♪ You better believe me ♪

♪ Because I.R.S. deduct this ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Deduct ♪

♪ You're screwed ♪

♪ Don't save it now you're sued, oh yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah oh, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo-oo-ooh ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You better deduct this ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh! ♪♪

[audience applauding]

[buzzer]

[audience clapping]

[chuckles]

[applause]

(Drew) 'Man.'

I'd normally, I'd give Wayne all the points

but something about the way Greg was tappin' his toes.

Sorry.

[chuckles]

That's right, baby. See me in my trailer after the show.

Now we're gonna play a game called "Party Quirks".

This is for Greg.

You're gonna be hosting a party

and Wayne, Colin and Ryan are gonna be the guests.

(Drew) 'Each of you have a strange'

'quirk or identity that's written in these envelopes.'

'This is the first time they've ever seen them,'

'and what Greg has to do is guess..'

[audience chuckling]

...what the quirks are.

Uh, so, Greg, why don't you come over here and set the party.

Wayne, Colin, Ryan, you line up over there

and I'll buzz you in with the doorbell here.

And whenever you're ready, Greg, start the party.

Yeah, it's a "Spice Girls" party.

Since they're missing one, I'm the new one, "Specky Spice."

[audience cheering]

[doorbell ringing]

There's the bell.

Hello, Wayne.

[slowed down sound effects]

[grunts]

pow

[gunshots]

shee-e-eng

fwah-doo

[grunts]

thud

[groans]

Can I get you a corn chip or somethin'?

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, you just relax over there.

Hi, Colin.

Hi, How are you?

[crashing]

[audience cheering]

Hav.. Have you met Wayne?

he's fighting a...series

of bad guys in slow motion.

(Greg) 'He thinks, he's in a movie.'

[buzzer]

Very good!

(Drew) 'Close enough.'

Colin, can I get you a drink?

[ding dong] Ah-ha!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

- Hello. - Hey, that's okay.

Hello, Ryan.

[Ryan muttering]

Argh!

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

[Drew chuckling]

[continues chuckling]

[audience roaring]

[hearty laughter]

[continues laughing]

[audience applauding]

[Drew chuckling]

[continues chuckling]

[continues chuckling]

[continues chuckling]

[floor banging]

[audience laughing]

[chuckling]

I guess a game of Twister's

out of the question at this point.

Hey, Colin, you...uh..

Ryan, have you met Colin?

He's a...he's a trapeze artist.

He's a high-wire act in the circus.

He's a...he thinks he's in the circus.

He's a very unsuccessful--

[buzzer]

That's right.

(Drew) Accident-prone circus performer.

And who wants their bottle?

Who wants their bottle?

who was just born and is a bizarre dog-like creature?

(Drew) 'A foal.'

[buzzer]

- 'What is he?' - A foal.

Whatever!

[audience clapping]

All the points I have left

go to Ryan for sticking your face there.

I couldn't have done that.

[audience cheering]

Ryan "anything for a laugh" Stiles. Ha-ha ha-ha..

Remember, that's how I got the job on the other show.

(Drew) 'That's right.'

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

Alright. Hey, stay tuned!

When we come back, we'll find out who the winner is.

They'll get to play a little improv game with me.

And watch these commercials.

We'll be back with more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

[theme music]

Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Tonight's winner, Wayne Brady!

Wayne Brady..

...is the big winner tonight.

[audience applauding]

Wayne and I are gonna improvise

a scene called the "Foreign Film Dub".

So what's gonna happen is you guys

are just gonna suggest a foreign language.

We're gonna fake it.

And...uh, Ryan and Greg are gonna interpret for us.

And Colin is just gonna sit there and look busy?

[audience chuckling]

Let's have the name of a language you'd like--

[indistinct shouting]

What'd you say?

[muffled shouts]

- 'Farsi!' - Farsi.

Farsi.

- Excuse me? - Farsi.

- Okay. - They speak it in..

- In Iran. - Uh-huh.

We need a name of a film title.

- "Banished On The Breezes." - '"Banished On The Breezes."'

"Banished On The Breezes." in Farsi.

And now you're gonna uh...interpret for me

and you're gonna interpret for Wayne.

Okay. Ready.

"Banished On The Breezes."

[imitating Farsi]

[continues imitating]

Huh. Everything is gone.

The breeze has come and blown things away.

[ululating]

(Ryan) 'I think my camel is dead.'

[audience laughing]

[imitating Farsi]

[ululating]

[continues imitating]

(Greg) 'Our village, it is gone'

'And all you can do' 'is stand there and go'

[ululating]

[guttural noises]

[coughing]

(Ryan) 'Uh..'

'We're going to miss "Baywatch".'

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

[imitating Farsi]

[wailing]

br-r-ree br-r-ree

(Greg) 'I've constructed a television'

using these tin cans and this hand drill

that managed to stay.

[ululating]

Ooh-wah, ooh-wah. Caputoas!

(Ryan) 'Many years ago, I worked in a club.'

I can't say what type, yet I am ashamed.

[imitating Farsi]

(Greg) 'I remember your dancing.'

'You went by the name of..' [brings up phlegm]

[audience chuckling]

'Here is a schnifnik.'

'It is the traditional money that I give'

'the dancer who pleases me so well.'

[claps]

(Greg) 'Now dance, clap clap.'

[audience chuckling]

[ululating]

[imitating oud]

[continues imitating]

[audience roaring]

[buzzer]

[muttering rubbish]

Thank you very much.

Hey, we're out of time.

Thanks for watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

We'll see you again soon. Goodnight.

[audience applauding]

[theme music]

[applause]