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I met the devil the other day.

He walked up to me, and said, "Foolish,

He walked up to me, and said, "Foolish,

do you really want to go to heaven?"

I had to think about it, because when you look at heaven...

the way they show it in the movies,

that ain't really a place you want to hang out forever.

Everything there is white.

They play that same old fuckin' song 24 hours a day.

You got on white robes, looking like a Klansman with wings.

You can't have no pussy. No !

I'd rather go to hell where I can get my dick sucked,

I'd rather go to hell where I can get my dick sucked,

smoke a joint, kick a bitch in the ass every now and then.

♪ I answer no ♪

♪ Will you shut up ♪

♪ I can boogie, baby Never learned to swim ♪

♪ I can boogie, baby ♪ ♪ Can't catch the rhythm of the stroke ♪

Remember back in the days ?

Remember back in the days ?

♪ Why should I hold my breath ♪

♪ It ain't that I like you ♪

Boy, is that the shit ?

Mother, brother lost in time.

♪ What you talkin' about, "lost in time" ?

- Funk just is. - I listen to rap music.

That's what I listen to. Nigger, this is where rap came from.

No, nigger, rap came from N.W.A.

♪ Psychoalphadiscobeta- bioaquadolop ♪

It's been a while.

It would have been better if we got to see more of each other.

Look at you. You're tall, money and leather clothes and--

I know you get a lot of pussy in this car.

You definitely playin'. I'm space-age pimpin'.

What you doin' ? I'm a homeless pimp.

What you doin' ? I'm a homeless pimp.

I can't afford one gold tooth.

I'm just letting mine stay dirty so I can get the same effect.

You know what ? That's what I'm gonna change.

I'm gonna show you how to get paid.

We need to start our own comedy show.

I guess it ain't never too late to start.

Yeah. Shit.

When the last time you've been to Grandma's ? A few days ago.

When the last time you've been to Grandma's ? A few days ago.

She told me it's been over a year. Time sure must be flyin'.

It been that long ? Yeah, it's been that long.

You should go over and see her. She love you.

Man, she don't want to see me. What make you say that ?

Grandma a witch, man. Last time I went by her house,

she spit in my eye.

All right, man.

She did some vile shit, but you gotta let that go.

She been in and out of the hospital.

Shortness of breath. And they say she got heart problems.

Shortness of breath. And they say she got heart problems.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You boys got me down to my change. I'm out.

You recognize that sound ?

Oh, yeah.

Hey ! Give it a rest !

Hey, asshole, it's my only goddamn door.

Who in the fuck--

Somebody told me my money was here.

Niggers With Guns.

Niggers With Guns.

Nobody move ! Nobody gets hurt ! Put it to that, motherfucker !

Give me my goddamn money ! I know you got the shit !

Which one of you motherfuckers snuck in my favorite bible ?

"Fire and brimstone rain down upon you."

You heard me !

I got your revelation, motherfucker !

Alabama.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

Fifty.

And it's Foolish.

What the fuck is the matter with you two ?

Don't you know I could kill you ?

He the one that made me do this. I'm like, "This isn't gonna be funny."

- You said you wanted to do some thug shit. - I said, "Hug."

- You were talking about a 211. - I said, "411."

- Shut the fuck up before I bat the piss out you. - I already shit on myself.

You both shut the fuck up ! Shut the fuck up right now ! What's the matter with you two ?

Alabama, don't--

Alabama, don't--

There's nothing... funny about this.

Shut up ! I was just trying to keep you on your toes.

You take ten years off my life.

Alabama ? Hey--

- Alabama ? - Alabama ?

Man, stop joking, Alabama.

Anybody know C.P.R. ? I know CP3.

I was a purple beret, brother.

They told me when you do C.P.R.,

you gotta blow down their mouth or beat them in the chest.

you gotta blow down their mouth or beat them in the chest.

We should probably blow in his mouth. I ain't blowing in his mouth.

- I ain't blowing. - Well, I'm not blowing.

Man, blow in his mouth. Why don't you blow up his ass ?

Man-- Goddamn ! Then get down and beat on his chest.

Shit ! Jesus !

Can you hit him harder ? Come on, man.

The motherfucker's dead, man ! No, man ! This can't be happening !

He dead, man. He dead, man.

What kind of damn hit man catch a heart attack ?

I'll tell you what kind one that works for El Dorado Ron !

That's his cousin, man !

Fuck ! That's El Dorado Ron's cousin ?

Nice fucking game, fellas.

Anybody ask you, you never saw me here.

We just killed El Dorado Ron's cousin.

Uh... I don't know about the "we" part,

but y'all do what you gotta do:

but y'all do what you gotta do:

like chop him up and clean him up and stuff.

Get out ! I got a show to do.

Family immunity, Mafia-ass bullshit.

Shit.

♪ How lucky can one guy be ♪

Drunk-ass white boy. If that was a nigger, you'd have tossed him out.

What's up, Foolish ? Dealing with that crazy brother of mine.

What else, man ? Go on in there.

Get back.

♪ Her room was completely black ♪ Hmm.

You ain't that motherfuckin' cute.

Ain't gonna put you in no modelin' show, you short, ugly monster.

Ain't gonna put you in no modelin' show, you short, ugly monster.

What's up, girl ? Hey, baby.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Walter, come on. Am I in this show or not ?

I'm not seeing my name anywhere on this list.

Man, chill out. I run this club, not you.

Dude, I know you run this club, but I'm tired of waiting.

By the time I get on stage, Farrakhan's gonna be dating a white woman.

- Where's my shit ? - Hey, Fool, you lookin' for something ?

Ooh ! You know just what a nigger need.

What's the crowd like ?

What's the crowd like ?

If you want a tip, you better bring your own. There's two tables of Catholics up front.

- Giovanni ! - Foolish... we gotta talk.

What's up, baby ? What a crowd, what a crowd !

I just got handed a big tab.

There's lots of balloons. Yeah, I know.

Foolish, this has gotta be paid off.

I'm taking it out of your next check. I'm walking !

There's the door. Go ahead, start walkin'. This is no joke.

You better shape up. You're two hours late and this tab, you know ?

That's what the government does.

They talk about everything flag burning amendments.

We need a flag burning amendment.

It's out of control, the flag burning in America.

Of course, 800 black communities had their churches burnt to the ground this year.

What'd the government do about that ? Nothing.

I guess if you're an African-American and you want the church burnings to stop,

you'll have to paint flags on the side of those buildings.

That would fuck the rednecks up, wouldn't it ?

I want to burn the church, but Old Glory's on the side.

I want to burn the church, but Old Glory's on the side.

Where'd you get that shirt ?

Oh, there's the light. Am I sucking that bad ? Yeah.

Thank you very much for not applauding and breaking my timing.

Hey, skinny boy, if you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it.

- What ? - Elizabeth says hi from the junkyard in the sky.

Hey, Foolish, who we got in here tonight ? That's Redd.

You can hear him ? Oh, no, I can't hear him.

But I got voices too.

Who's that honky out there with you, Colonel Sanders ?

It's Manny. He cool. Cool, my ass !

Look at that cheap suit. That chump so poor, he gotta jerk off his dog to feed his cat.

Right on, Manny. The best part of that turkey was left on the mattress.

But the Lord Almighty was generous with the gravy...

when He made you, boy.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. That's what I say.

Who gives a damn what you say, jive-time pretty boy ?

Let's take it to the stage.

Let's take it to the stage.

Redd ?

"Don't eat from the tree of life."

Now, what would that be ? Pussy.

We call it a bush today. Vagina.

It's where life comes from. The tree of life.

You eat pussy ? Come on, Rev.

You know what I'm saying ? Just 'cause you're revvin' don't mean you ain't fuckin'.

Come on now. You gotta be fuckin'. There's the missus.

I know you didn't get married just 'cause she make good soup.

You know what I'm saying ?

You pulled out your pole of Moses and parted the Red Sea.

You pulled out your pole of Moses and parted the Red Sea.

Then you let your people go.

Remember when motherfuckers used to sing to strong-arm the pussy ?

Like Teddy Pendergrass. "Turn him off !

Come here, woman ! You got what I need !"

The motherfucker said, "Light a candle."

That mean he didn't want to see the whole bumpy ass, just the silhouette of it.

Nowadays, you got the beggin' motherfuckers.

♪ I'll wash your drawers ♪

♪ I'll pay your rent ♪

♪ I'll pay your rent ♪

Women be going off on that shit.

I be like-- ♪ That's the nigger you need ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't doin' that shit ♪

Ladies, I'd like to ask y'all just one little question.

Since when did pussy become higher value than dick ?

Just 'cause they give up the pussy, they get roses, get shopping sprees.

I'm giving up dick. This is a fifty-fifty deal !

Where's my motherfuckin' roses ?

My baseball tickets ? Football games ?

My baseball tickets ? Football games ?

Send me to the Lakers ! What the fuck goin' on ?

Yeah, I know mine's some quality dick.

Women, y'all got your own private A.T.M. machine right between your legs.

Oh, yeah. Dick go in, money come out.

Mm-hmm.

I was at church Sunday. A motherfucker there got a A.T.M. machine in his church.

He like, "People coming in here lying about how they ain't got their donation.

"So I put a A.T.M. machine by the front door.

I needs my money."

I needs my money."

I don't even know why they collect money for God.

Is He broke ? Is He on food stamps ?

You know what I'm saying ? Does God need some motherfuckin' housing ?

Is He staying in the projects or something ?

Since when did God need money ? He own all this shit.

God don't need no money. You do !

How many houses that motherfucker got ? He's slickin', ain't he ?

Talkin' about that's God's house, like God came to you.

"Uh, build me a house on Fifth and Hill.

"And you know I only like them stained glass windows.

I don't want none of them regular windows."

You know, I hate comin' to this place. Oh, my God.

♪ Money, money, money ♪

Yo, Paris. Where Ron at ? ♪ Money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪ He's in the back.

♪ Money ♪

Numbers. Nice suit, Paris.

Numbers. Nice suit, Paris.

♪Yo, Ron.

Yeah.

We need to talk. "We need to talk" ?

"We need to talk" ? Let's go talk.

You stay here.

Wait a minute.

You're telling me that's my cousin you got in the trunk of your car ?

I gotta tell my Aunt Marie that her son is dead,

and, on top of it, I gotta tell her why ?

- What were you thinkin' ? - It's all my fault, boss.

But it was an accident.

"An accident" ? Let me ask you something.

"An accident" ? Let me ask you something.

If I took this pen and stuck it in your eye, would that be an accident ?

If I took a bazooka and shoved it up your ass...

and blew your asshole into a hundred pieces, would that be an accident ?

If I took a fuckin' sledgehammer and started whacking your fuckin'--

I'm telling you, man, it was an accident !

He had a goddamn heart attack.

Shut the fuck up, both of you !

You're not gonna have such a cushy job anymore. You know why ?

From now on, you handle all of Alabama's territory.

The whole northeast side. You understand ?

- No, he's not in for that. - I said, "Shut the fuck up !"

Because if I get up, both of you are gonna be laying down.

From here on in, you handle the drugs,

you handle the street gangs.

The whole nine yards. You got that ? That's you.

I collect gambling debts. I ain't no goddamn drug dealer.

Wait a minute. You're gonna tell me what your job is ?

Let me tell you something. You kill my flesh and blood,

there's a procedure I have to follow.

I've been loyal to you-- That's how you gonna do me ?

Oh, man, I know you believe me. You know I--

Get out of my office.

It was an accident.

I said get out of the fuckin' office.

Fifty, goddamn it. This is way too serious.

Don't be no hardhead. He's gonna kill you.

I ain't trippin' on him. It was a goddamn accident.

That's what always gets a nigger:

the word "free."

You can get a nigger to turn himself into jail.

Free... shoes.

Be niggers all up in jail.

That's what we've been freedom.

If you want something for free, you must be dumb.

If you want something for free, you must be dumb.

That's why they call it free-dumb.

Niggers been marching around for years for some damn freedom.

Freedom ain't nothing but a state of mind.

You want to be free ? It's just that quick.

Motherfucker say, "I want you there at 7:00." You say, "Fuck you. I'm free."

Foolish... you're finished.

I was going through American history.

Remember... when white people first came to America ?

Hmm ?

Hmm ?

Remember y'all stole the whole country ?

A nigger go to jail for stealing a candy bar.

Y'all stole a whole motherfuckin' country.

Y'all colder than a motherfucker.

And then gave the Indians a reservation.

The Indians thought they was talking about the Hyatt.

Came over-- Y'all had some good-ass weed.

Remember the name of the boat was the "Mayflower" ?

What flower grows in May ? Marijuana.

They had a boatload full of shit. That's why they ran into Plymouth Rock.

They didn't know where the fuck they was goin'. That mother was high out of his mind.

They didn't know where the fuck they was goin'. That mother was high out of his mind.

They got off the boat, and the Indians gave them fire weed in the peace pipe.

That's why they call it the peace pipe.

You take one hit of that motherfucker shit--

"Peace. Peace like a motherfucker. I ain't tryin' to fight nothing."

The Indians got so high, they started running around telling people,

"I'm high, high, high, high."

"I'm high, high, high, high."

Got the munchies and called it Thanksgiving.

A lot of our nation's forefathers was heavy cocaine users.

Like Alexander Graham Bell. That's how he got "Gram" !

He liked to buy it by the gram.

You got to be high and out your mind...

to even come up with a concept like the telephone sitting at home.

I wish I could talk to somebody who ain't even here.

Hello ?

Hello ?

You can keep flicking that light if you want.

All right ?

The longer you flick it, the longer I'm staying on.

The longer you flick it, the longer I'm staying on.

Y'all run out of money before I run out of funny.

Hey, Pops. How you doin', man ?

masturbation.

Hey, Jimmy, what's up, man ? I sent my tape.

Did you look at my tape yet ? Call my office.

Call ? You want me to call ? Should I call ? I'll call.

♪ People always want to know ♪

♪ Why Ice Cube be driving so damn slow ♪

♪ Why Ice Cube be driving so damn slow ♪

Hey, yo, yo ! I just told my mama you're gonna sign me !

Get some material.

Jimmy, over here ! Aw, shit.

Look, man, when you love what you're doing,

you got no concept of time when you're on stage.

Foolish, everybody's got a certain amount of time to do their thing.

That's the way it works here. You know that.

The way it works is when I'm on stage, your club is packed.

When I ain't on stage, ain't nobody in this motherfucker.

You can't sell no liquor, no chicken, none of them dry-ass fries you got here.

You can't sell no liquor, no chicken, none of them dry-ass fries you got here.

What do you want me to call it, Foolish's Club ?

This is Giovanni's Club.

Look, Giovanni. I got an idea.

How about I go on last every motherfuckin' night ?

That way you can put the comics on you want,

and everybody will be happy.

That's exactly what I want you to do.

Capite ? Capite.

Giovanni, how are you feeling tonight ?

Are you out of your fuckin' mind ? I don't want to hear it.

There's other clubs. Fuck it.

There's other clubs. Fuck it.

Not like Giovanni's. Not on the strip.

This is where the industry comes, man.

It's not cool going on after midnight. It's cool with me.

Look, man... I got people coming down here to see you next week.

You understand that ? You won't be on stage till after midnight.

Look, man, it's about comedy with me. It ain't about money.

I'm the comedian in this situation. You the manager.

How about managing to take care of this shit ?

I'm not gonna argue with you, man.

If you don't want to perform, you don't have to. I don't give a fuck.

If you don't want to perform, you don't have to. I don't give a fuck.

But realize we need this showcase if you want to go on a big-budget tour.

Look, man, there's no other club in town that matters but this one.

Man, we don't want this Good Fella wanna-be breathing down our necks.

Listen. I got a call from Paramount.

They want to meet with you. You hear what I'm saying ?

Big movie. Great opportunity. Yeah ?

Yes. Now, look here. It's Thursday.

Right there. You be there, you hear ?

Right there. You be there, you hear ?

You do that for me ? All right. I got you covered.

Hey, look who's here. Jimmy, nice to see you.

Foolish, you are so sexy.

Where the hell were you till 3:00 in the morning ?

You told me yesterday you had the 9:00 slot.

11:00. Let a nigger get some damn sleep.

I know you weren't on stage for four hours.

I know you weren't on stage for four hours.

It might have been five. I'm good.

Don't patronize me. You have no idea how to treat a lady.

- Show me a lady. - Fuck you, Foolish !

That's what you do. Not that damn good either.

What's up, baby ? Mom, I need some lunch money.

Go ask Foolish.

Foolish, I need some lunch money.

You little gremlin.

Ain't you the one that always say,

Ain't you the one that always say,

"You ain't my daddy, you ain't my daddy" ?

You're good, boy. I like you.

Here.

Buy yourself an "edu-ma-cation." Thanks.

It's all right. You don't want to be dumb like your mama.

Dumb-ass. Let me get some damn sleep.

Pussy was dry last night, like sandpaper.

Where the hell were you last night ? What's your problem, woman ?

Where the hell were you last night ? What's your problem, woman ?

Ain't no club in L.A. open till 3:00 in the morning.

Don't lie to me ! Do you want me to put a time clock on this motherfucker ?

Punch in, punch out ? Do you want me to leave my dick on the motherfuckin' couch ?

You got time for them fuckin' bitches at the club who think you're so--

Put your hands on me one more time-- Don't put yourself in a man's position.

You gonna hit me ? Come on, hit me. I ain't gonna hit your ass.

Smack me, you punk-ass bitch. I got your bitch, bitch.

Bitch, you better sit your ignorant ass down.

You hit my motherfuckin' grandmother's picture !

You hit my motherfuckin' grandmother's picture !

She gave me that damn tiger, you nutty motherfucker !

I make the payments, I'll drive the damn car !

I'm the one who put the money down on that motherfuckin' car !

Come here, bitch ! Get your motherfuckin' ass--

Whose motherfuckin'... car... is this ?

Are you fucking crazy ?

Are you fucking crazy ?

Fuck, yes ! It's mine !

Mine !

My motherfuckin' car !

Mine ! Mine ! Mine !

Fathers never sit a son down and say, "Son, come here.

"You know, one day you're gonna see some pussy.

"You know, one day you're gonna see some pussy.

Here's what you do with it."

We don't get those talks. We get Playboy magazine, Hustler, shit like that.

We just look at naked pictures and jack off.

Goddamn ! Shit !

What the fuck--

You got to be the ignorantest motherfucker that ever lived.

Break your own shit out. Look at you now.

Lucky it ain't raining. Your ass would be wet.

You's a stupid motherfucker, Foolish.

You's a stupid motherfucker, Foolish.

I'd like to take this time out...

to thank you white people.

No, for real. For inviting us here to America.

That was real nice of y'all. You know what I'm saying ?

Sent boats over to pick us up and everything.

Gave us jobs when we got here.

Because you always hear the stereotypes.

Black people-- They don't like to work.

What the fuck are you talking about ? It's genetic !

When we was in Africa, we didn't have fuckin' jobs.

We'd just sit around all day until we get hungry,

We'd just sit around all day until we get hungry,

go kill something and barbecue !

As we still do today !

So what do you think ? It's never been done before.

Three lovable drag queens driving cross-country...

helping middle America solve its problems.

Y'all want me to wear a dress ?

Foolish, this isn't a throwaway role.

You'll be carrying the emotional energy of the movie.

Man, it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, 'cause I do, but--

Man, it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, 'cause I do, but--

All we're asking you to do... is to take the script home, read it,

then make a decision. Then make the decision.

Foolish, there's a lot of money involved.

We're talking a major motion picture here, Foolish.

It can't hurt. All right.

- I don't know, man.

Foolish, please--

Foolish, please--

We're not supposed to talk about this yet.

Harrison may be signing on as one of the other drag queens.

Get out of here ! Harrison ? Harrison.

Air Force Harrison ? Harrison.

Me and... Harrison ?

Harrison. Harrison ?

Foolish Waise and Harrison ?

- Harrison. - That's Harrison.

So I guess that's me. Yeah.

♪ Yeah, that's it.

♪ Yeah, that's it.

Yeah ! Yeah ! Yeah !

I ain't feelin' that. I ain't feelin' it at all.

I thought y'all was casting a movie about the black experience in Vietnam.

- That's down the road, baby. - How far down the road ? I got car problems right now.

Way down the road. This is now, Foolish.

Now. We're talking about taking you out of the clubs...

and putting you on the couch.

On the couch. With Leno.

- Oprah. - Oprah.

Rosie. Rosie.

Rosie. Rosie.

Could I say something that every actor probably...

would want to say to a couple gentlemen like yourselves ?

Sure. Say anything you want to say. Sure. Go ahead.

Yeah. Kiss my black ass.

Man, I'm not selling out to do this shit.

There's some people that think they're women.

- Put a damn dress on ? - We call them homosexuals.

Kiss my ass. Like I'm gonna be Mr. Tootsie Roll.

I ain't got nothing against them. I just don't understand that shit.

I ain't got nothing against them. I just don't understand that shit.

How do you find love in another hairy sack ?

He's black. He's skinny. He's all wrapped up.

Have you seen the gay parade ?

Every year they take over the whole town. Big-ass floats.

Literally. Floats shaped like big asses.

A couple of them "I'm Shitty Man."

That's why I want every man in here to know,

starting this year, we're gonna have our own straight parade.

Yeah. We gonna take over their boulevard.

Yeah. We gonna take over their boulevard.

We gonna have big floats shaped like giant dicks !

With naked women holding hands around it singing "Kumbaya."

Mr. Washington, what do you have to say--

These bloodsuckers are trying to bring my best client down.

We want it all. We want it all !

- Quentin ? - What's up, baby girl ?

Hi. Long time no see, huh ?

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Look at you, girl.

- All grown up, huh ? - Desiree ?

- All grown up, huh ? - Desiree ?

You coming ? You sure ? Oh, no, you go ahead.

Yeah, I'll be all right. She be all right, Johnny.

That's Everett Washington, esquire.

That's your boss ? Oh, okay. That's my uncle.

So I heard lawyers make a lot of money.

I do all right as an assistant.

So what is it that you do ? I'm a car salesman.

A salesman with all those diamonds in his glasses ?

I sell a lot of cars. I bet you do.

I sell a lot of cars. I bet you do.

I got a proposal for you.

I'm trying to do a comedy show,

starring my little brother Foolish.

You remember Foolish ?

Yeah, I know Foolish.

I need somebody to help me organize this, and you're the perfect person.

Why me, though ?

Because you're intelligent. I can trust you.

You know I care about you. You know that.

So are you down or what ?

So are you down or what ?

I expect you're right. Grandma !

Hey, Foolish. Oh, my baby.

How you doin' ? Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Looking good, Gram.

I like them shoes. Stop your foolishness.

You're too hot for church.

How you doin', Miss Ida ? Hello, sweetie.

How you doin', Miss Ida ? Hello, sweetie.

Hi, baby.

I've had a crush on you for 15 years, girl.

Get out of here, boy. Oh, no.

So where's Quentin ?

How come he don't ever come to see me ?

Um... he said he's afraid of you...

'cause the last time y'all talked, you spit in his eye.

Hmm. I meant to spit in his eye.

Trying to clear up his sight so he can see he's headed down the wrong road.

I raised y'all proper after your mama passed on.

I raised y'all proper after your mama passed on.

I don't think you remember when he went off to live with his daddy, do you ?

Mm-mm. Well, before he left,

I looked Quentin dead in the eye,

and I said, "Quentin, just because your daddy's a crooked man,

don't mean your fate is sealed."

You gotta live your own life, huh, Grandma ?

Mm-hmm.

That's right, but that boy's headed for ruin.

Always just grabbing at something further and further out of reach.

He just a fathead. That's what he is.

Acts important, so he think he's really important.

Acts important, so he think he's really important.

Remember what I used to tell y'all ?

The only stars are-- In the sky.

- That's right. - My grandmother was crazy.

- Y'all remember switches ? - Oh, yeah.

First it was the belt. I was cool with that.

You stick the arm out, let it wrap around a couple of times...

then do a lot of hollering like it hurt.

Oh, I ain't gonna do it no more !

Then she got ahold of them switches.

She an old country woman.

She an old country woman.

They make you go get the weapon yourself.

That ain't nothing but psychological torture,

'cause the whole way you're going towards the tree,

you thinking, "This is gonna fuck me up."

♪ The only stars are in the sky ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Said the only stars ♪

♪ Are in the sky ♪

♪ Are in the sky ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Remember when you first told me that Grandma Ow, huh ♪

- Yeah. - I got another one. You want to hear another one ?

No, baby, just keep on with your comedy.

- Oh, that's cold. - I got one anyway.

♪ This is a man's world ♪

Ron's going crazy over this. He's obsessed by it.

You either settle with him or get the hell out of town.

You either settle with him or get the hell out of town.

Shit, I ain't runnin', baby. I know how to play the game.

♪ Nothing ♪

Miss, excuse me, but we have to talk.

Make it fast, Numbers. I got somewhere to go.

I'll make it fast.

- Go put some clothes on, girl. - Oh, Fifty.

I got a lot of experience with this kind of stuff.

You need to get lost while you still can.

Which one ? This one or this one ?

Which one ? This one or this one ?

- The blue one. - Both of 'em blue, man.

That one, for Christ's sake.

I'm gonna pick this one. Never could trust your judgment.

All right. There is one other option.

What ? You remember the warehouse at 29th Street ?

Yeah, I remember.

I was in charge of erasing the tapes from the security system.

I know that ain't what I think it is.

I always told you, you deal with somebody like Ron, you cover your ass.

I always told you, you deal with somebody like Ron, you cover your ass.

I've been saving this in case of an emergency.

This is an emergency...

and this is all the insurance I need, Numbers.

Thanks.

All right. You're going out tonight, I'm going with you.

You need somebody to cover you.

You ain't goin' with me 'cause I ain't goin' out. I changed my mind. Good.

I'm not going anywhere either, so the two of us will be together.

No, I'm gonna be right here with my girl.

- If you need me, you just call. - You promise me ?

- If you need me, you just call. - You promise me ?

I said just call. If you need me, we'll be here. I'm not going anywhere.

I heard what you said. You promise me you're gonna be here or not ?

♪ You know that man makes money ♪ Just call if you need me.

- Do you promise me ? - I said I'm gonna be here.

All right. How old is that girl ?

I went to the movie theater...

and saw this girl I met 48 Hours ago.

Or was it Nine And A Half Weeks ? I didn't haveTotal Recall.

Or was it Nine And A Half Weeks ? I didn't haveTotal Recall.

Her hair looked like she jumped out of Tales From The Crypt.

Hey, baby, what's up ?

What's up, girl ? How are you doin' ?

I'm fine. Good. I just wanted to let you know...

that Everett Washington just got here.

Where ? He's right back there.

Okay.

Make sure we get the best champagne in the house for him, all right ?

I've got just the bottle.

She asked me if I wanted to do the Wild Thing.

I thought, "This is an Indecent Proposal."

Half of these guys are shit. I think it's this guy Foolish we need to see.

Half of these guys are shit. I think it's this guy Foolish we need to see.

Probably Lost In Space, though I never Die Hard.

At this point, all I could think about wasThe Getaway.

So I told her, "Let's check my X-Files-- Hello.

Hi.

So I came up with some Pulp Fiction; started telling True Lies.

Right ? Right ?

Simone, who ordered that ? It's for Everett Washington.

You mean, theEverett Washington is here ?

The Everett Washington.

Well, the champagne is on the house. Don't worry about it.

Well, the champagne is on the house. Don't worry about it.

It's already been paid for by Fifty. Fifty who ?

Masturbation.

I like to think of it as making love to someone special.

I wish he'd get off.

I'm sorry, sister, for even bringing you to this motherfucker.

Thanks. That's gonna be worth a lot of money once I'm dead.

Foolish. Good to see you, baby. Looking good.

All right. I want you to meet somebody.

Ruben Reyes from Horizon Entertainment Television.

How you doin', old Ru ? All right. Real pleasure, Foolish.

Horizon's gotten a lot of comedians started in television.

Horizon's gotten a lot of comedians started in television.

We're hearing good things about you. Jimmy can't stop yapping.

That's his 15 percent talkin'. Where's my money from the last gig ?

Then I bring myself back to my apartment and seduce me.

This is too sad. Boo !

- First I resist. I'm not easy. - Get the fuck off stage, please !

Then finally I give in because when I say no, I really mean maybe.

These white comedians out here-- Yeah. I see.

Ten minutes-- Where you goin' ?

- From what I hear, your routine is pretty fresh. - "Fresh" ?

- From what I hear, your routine is pretty fresh. - "Fresh" ?

I like rough sex. You like rough sex ?

Fuck you from the back and burn you with a cigarette. You like that ?

Hit you over the ass and head with a cleat. You like that ?

What time is Foolish coming on ?

What you call a dog with no legs ? It don't matter. He ain't gonna come anyway.

- These guys are horrible. - Where you goin', short fucker, in your ugly-ass suit ?

I guarantee you it will be worth the wait. Yeah.

We're losing our ass in here tonight.

We're losing our ass in here tonight.

Giovanni's phone.

Check this shit out.

Yeah ? Who is this ?

Giovanni. Who you think it is ?

Yo, Giovanni, man, we're in trouble tonight.

They're dying out there, man. What do you mean ?

Comics gettin' booed off the stage.

People walkin' up, leavin' out the club.

- Put Foolish on. - Foolish ?

Foolish... go do a show in the main room.

Foolish... go do a show in the main room.

Yes, sir, boss.

He's on his way over there now.

You told me to put Foolish on last.

- Forget about it. - Giovanni, you feel all right ?

- You talkin' to me ? - Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.

No, I'm talking to you ! You bustin' my balls ?

You tell me this on the day of my daughter's wedding, baby ?

I'm not talkin' to you ! Huh ?

- What's up, people ? - Tell your business, Fool.

Foolish ! Go ahead, skinny boy !

Now, women, I'm scared of you motherfuckers.

Y'all lie. Oh, yeah.

Y'all lie real well.

You always lie and say you don't want to fuck as bad as we do...

when you know y'all want to fuck more than we do.

Look at the shit y'all go through to attract dick.

Look at the shit y'all go through to attract dick.

You pluck your eyebrows. You line your eyes, around the motherfuckin' eyes.

Then put the lipstick on and outline that motherfucker. And the rouge and shit.

Then put your titties in a dress, make it look like a booty on your chest.

You're servin' them up.

Walter, what is he doing up there ? He's savin' our ass.

Who told you to put him up there ?

You. You told me to put him up there. I told you ?

Yeah. Good fuckin' idea too.

See now, white women-- They get to go shopping...

See now, white women-- They get to go shopping...

'cause they got the right answer when their husband come home.

He come home with the suit on and the briefcase.

The white woman is always, "How was your day, dear ? The kids are ready, dear.

Dinner's on, dear."

So he'll give them a checkbook. They can go shopping. You know what I'm saying ?

Asian women are the best. Asian man come home--

"How you doing? Let me rub your feet. I'll make you feel good."

You can't wait to give that bitch a checkbook. "Go shopping."

Spanish brothers, they even go home-- "Hi, Poppy."

Spanish brothers, they even go home-- "Hi, Poppy."

And a white man's got--

If he's got five inches of dick, he think he's swinging.

You know what I'm saying ? Spanish brother-- He's somewhere around seven.

You know what I'm saying ? Chinaman-- A little one.

Microscope. But he get a back rub.

He's a fool, right ? Yeah, you got that right.

- You know what I'm saying ? - A nigger come home--

That motherfucker get a headache.

It's like, "Shit, does this bitch come with aspirin ?"

It's like, "Shit, does this bitch come with aspirin ?"

He's really funny... but he's just not what we're looking for.

What are you talking about ? Listen to these people.

I understand. The kid's gonna be huge.

A brother go home and, given the best dick in the world--

He come home, what do he get ? "Nigger, where you been ?

"How come you're always out with your friends ? I'm tired of this bullshit.

You need to stay here sometime."

Nigger getting ready to hand her two dollars. "Ah, fuck that."

Nigger getting ready to hand her two dollars. "Ah, fuck that."

That's why you don't see black women out shopping.

You done talked your way out of a shopping spree.

What do you want him to do different ?

Jokes ? I don't tell no motherfuckin' jokes. That's the easy shit.

Premise, middle, punch line. Anybody can tell a damn joke.

I'm a storyteller. I'm a comedian, man.

I was born to do this shit. That's the difference.

You and I know that, but these TV people need to hear some jokes, man.

I ain't telling no motherfuckin' jokes. Fuck that.

I ain't telling no motherfuckin' jokes. Fuck that.

We can give the TV people something new.

You know what I'm saying ?

We can give the TV people something like a show about Africa.

All the brothers over there killing Tarzan 'cause a white man can't run a brother's shit.

They don't want no new shit on TV, all right ?

You don't want to play ball, man.

You want to play your own little games in your own little world.

Man, Paramount wanted Foolish Waise !

- In a motherfuckin' dress ! - They were ready to sign you on the dotted line.

- In a motherfuckin' dress ! - They were ready to sign you on the dotted line.

But you just couldn't play ball.

Whatever happened to integrity, man ? Huh ?

How many brothers gotta wear a motherfuckin' dress ?

Everybody on TV got on a goddamn dress.

Shanene, Shanana, Shanookie. What I'm gonna be ? Shanigger ?

It ain't happening ! What's wrong with Foolish ?

Probably just got a little bit of a chemical imbalance.

Look, all we gotta do is regroup, man.

We can make this shit happen. You're not hearing me.

I don't care about the money either, man.

I wanted to build a career, make a legend.

I wanted to build a career, make a legend.

Not be out here dealing with some... loser.

Man, I'm through with you.

Yeah, well, fuck you too ! Never needed your ass !

Talk about makin' a motherfuckin' legend. You can't make shit !

I was born a legend ! I'm the last of the great ones, motherfucker !

Remember that... when you go get your punk-ass, no-name comic ! Bitch !

Whoo ! Hey !

♪ You feelin' good ♪ Yeah.

♪ You feelin' good ♪ Yeah.

♪ They don't know that I-- ♪

Say what ?

Foolish is just like that. Gotta do what you want.

What's up, test tube baby ? What ?

Don't "what" me, boy. Beat you like you was my kids.

Everything is all messed up. Oh, please, boy.

Things are just startin' to get interestin'. Shit.

You call this bullshit happening to me "interesting" ? Stop all that cryin'. Whoo !

Every ball player strikes out from time to time.

Next time you might hit the fence. What if I strike out, Robin ?

Next time you might hit the fence. What if I strike out, Robin ?

Watch out now. Robin ?

Man, you still talkin' to them ghosts ?

Get yourself together. You need to go talk to Everett Washington.

I'll be out in a minute.

What you talkin' about ? This is your big chance, man !

This man ain't gonna wait. Let's go take care of this business !

Who the fuck he come to see ? Hurry up !

I'm gonna be waiting outside. I'll be out in a damn minute. Shit.

Yo, Everett. What's happening ?

This is my little brother, Foolish.

Pleasure to meet you, You're fantastic.

Pleasure to meet you, You're fantastic.

- You were cracking me up. - I appreciate that, brother.

This is my lady friend, Renee. This is Foolish. Hi. Nice to meet you.

How you doin', baby ? You got any black in you ? I'm good.

Tell him, baby. No.

Would you like some ?

Slow down, old man.

Look, Fifty, I gotta roll outta here,

but I already spoke to Desiree about hooking up the show.

- I'll catch you later then. - Nice doing business with you.

I went through the car with a magnifying glass and a mini vac,

I went through the car with a magnifying glass and a mini vac,

I couldn't find the roach.

What you talking about, a show ? Chill out, Dog. I'm gonna teach you how to get paid.

- We'll see. - Foolish Waise.

You were wonderful tonight. I'm so proud of you.

It's just like old times, huh ? Yeah.

Just like old times.

- Where'd he go ? - I don't know.

- Where'd he go ? - I don't know.

That's strange. He just up and left ?

In his line of work, you gotta be able to bounce at any given minute. I know.

I'll come back later. See you, boys.

Y'all come back. Bye.

So you fuckin' Fifty ? None of your business.

I ain't seen your ass in ten years.

Last time I seen you, you was pregnant with my child.

I don't see no child...

but I see your ass pop up here out of the blue with my brother Fifty.

but I see your ass pop up here out of the blue with my brother Fifty.

So how the fuck am I supposed to know ?

Maybe if you had stuck around, you would know.

I'm a comedian.

There's a big difference. Anybody can be a comic.

I can make anybody in this room a comic.

Get a premise, a middle and a punch line, by God, you're on.

Comedians-- We born. We just lunatic motherfuckers.

I don't have a choice. Imagine me at a regular job.

What if I worked at McDonald's, you come in to get a Big Mac...

and there my ignorant ass is behind the counter.

and there my ignorant ass is behind the counter.

You're like, "Yeah, I want a Happy Meal."

Man, fuck a Happy Meal. What's happy about today ?

Shit.

♪ Get down, get down ♪

♪ Get down, get down ♪

♪ Get down, get down ♪

♪ Get down, get down ♪

You know what I love most about my dick ?

Yo, Ron ! ♪ Get down, get down ♪

Yo, Ron ! ♪ Get down, get down ♪

Oops.

- Whoa ! What's goin' on ? - Ron ! Ron ! Ron !

- Hold it, hold it. - Tell your fucking goons to back off me !

I got some of your property, man !

Fellas, fellas. Come on, put down your guns.

We're running a car dealership here.

You know, I really like your balls.

Wait. I gotta rephrase. I think you got balls walkin' in here like that.

Maybe they'll be stuffed in your mouth by the time you leave, but we'll see what happens.

Maybe they'll be stuffed in your mouth by the time you leave, but we'll see what happens.

And unless that's a bag full of pussy,

I want nothing to do with it.

It might not be a bag of pussy, but you gettin' fucked in here.

I told you to have the fuckin' money here today.

Just because you're one of the Cullum boys...

doesn't mean I'm afraid to pull the fuckin' trigger.

- Okay ? - Now watch this.

Look what I just did.

There's at least 20 duplicates of this tape on the streets.

And just in case something happen to me, Ron,

And just in case something happen to me, Ron,

my people know exactly what to do with this.

Very smooth.

So you don't want none of me, huh ?

Maybe I don't want none of you.

You're swine ! I never cared about you, not once !

It would make me sick when I'd have to work with you !

But you begged me ! You hounded me !

You drove me crazy !

And every time you'd fuck up, I'd want to wipe my ass with you !

Wipe my ass !

So what do you want ?

So what do you want ?

I want far away from you, and I want my life back.

That's what I want. I want out of this shit.

Watch yourself, Ron. There's a lot of bad people out there.

Yeah, I know. Most of them work for me.

Hey !

Hey.

I got the car fixed.

I'm tired of fighting.

Me too, 'cause you be caving a brother's chest in.

Me too, 'cause you be caving a brother's chest in.

It's for you.

- Hello. - Baby, your grandma passed on last night.

- Hello. - Baby, your grandma passed on last night.

Okay. The funeral will be next week. I'm sorry.

Thank you, Miss Ida.

Odetta Waise was a wife...

mother...

grandmother and friend to many.

grandmother and friend to many.

Hallelujah.

A Christian woman who gave love selflessly...

and asked for nothing in return.

And so we must not let ourselves be overwrought with sorrow...

as we lay our sister to rest.

But, rather, we should rejoice in her living.

We all loved her,

but Christ loved her the most.

but Christ loved her the most.

Foolish, we gotta stop trippin', man. Grandma's dead, Dog.

We gotta take care of each other. We gotta be there for each other.

You never gave a damn about Grandma.

I never gave a damn about Grandma, Fool ?

I'm the one paying for the funeral.

You always send money, Fifty.

She didn't want your fifties. She wanted to see Fifty.

Dog, it ain't just about the money. I had to get out there and make a wage.

You know what I'm sayin' ? What you did, Fool ?

You know what I'm sayin' ? What you did, Fool ?

I was the one that went over and visit her.

You know what, Fool ? That's what it's about.

You drink too much. That's the problem.

I'm for real. You drink too much.

Yeah, you drink too much. My brother is an alcoholic.

With a brother like you, you lucky I ain't smoking crack.

Come here, Fool. For real. We got-- Fool. Fool.

We gotta stick together, man. I ain't got shit to say to you.

I need to talk to you, for real. Listen. I ain't got shit to say to you.

I need to talk to you, for real. Listen. I ain't got shit to say to you.

I love you, Fool. No, ain't no love.

Love is a four-letter word like fuck and shit.

So what's up, Fool ? You gonna do the comedy show or what ?

I ain't doin' it. You ain't doin' it ? You're just gonna leave me--

I ain't doin' it. You ain't got enough money to make me do that damn show.

Forget about the money. It's not about the money.

It's about love. You know what ? It's about you, Fool.

I did this whole thing for you. I changed my whole life for you.

I changed my life for you. I'm tryin' to do something right.

Just when I try-- No, no, no, the show ain't about me.

Just when I try-- No, no, no, the show ain't about me.

The show is about you and that bitch Desiree.

What ? Oh, yeah.

You trippin' on Desiree ? That happened ten years ago.

When is you gonna let that die ? You know what, though ?

No, no, no, no. I took care of your responsibility, Fool.

When you went to the army, I paid for an abortion.

You ain't know about that, huh ?

Sh-- Fuck it.

Don't even trip on that. That's over.

What about Charisse ?

What about Charisse ?

You put your hand on me one more time,

it's gonna be a motherfuckin' gold rush in this cemetery.

You got it on your mind, boy ?

Huh ?

You might be Foolish, but you ain't no fool, boy !

Ain't no damn Foolish no more ! My name is Miles !

I'm done with your ass ! I'm done with comedy !

To hell with all of y'all ! What the hell y'all looking at ?

I don't need you either. Comedians come a dime a dozen.

I don't need nobody !

Charisse ? I'm home.

Shaun ?

Take the stereo and leave the speaker ?

♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪

♪ It's not warm when she's away ♪

♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪

♪ And she's always gone too long ♪

♪ And she's always gone too long ♪

♪ Anytime she goes away ♪

Okay, so how much time does Foolish need on stage ?

Don't even worry about Foolish. He ain't coming.

What ? You heard what I said. Forget him !

I don't need him anyway.

You know how many comics are gonna be there tomorrow ? The roster is phat.

The show is about him.

He's the whole reason Everett signed on.

I told you, don't even call him. He don't want to talk to me, and I don't want to talk to him.

- Forget him ! - "Let's Get It On"

Does this have anything to do with me ?

What you think ?

I knew this was gonna happen.

He just can't get over the past.

♪ Let's get it on ♪ You know, I ain't gonna let Foolish mess this up.

♪ Let's get it on ♪ You know, I ain't gonna let Foolish mess this up.

Stop trippin', baby. I'm just tired.

Everything gonna be all right.

♪ Let's get it on ♪ What ?

You remember when we used to sit like this and talk all night ?

Mm-hmm.

We was just friends then.

What are we now ?

What you think ?

♪ With so much to give ♪

♪ Understand me, sugar ♪

♪ Understand me, sugar ♪

♪ There's nothing wrong ♪

♪ With me loving you ♪

♪ Baby, no, no ♪

♪ And giving yourself to me ♪

♪ Can never be wrong ♪

♪ If the love is true ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Get it on Come on, baby ♪

♪ Do you love me, baby ♪

♪ I've been sanctified ♪

♪ I've been sanctified ♪

Take it in. 'Cause what I was really thinking about... Uh-huh.

is what does a fat, bumpy, bitch's ass look like...

when it's turned inside out ?

But you can't put that on stage.

Hey, Foolish, I love you, man, but you've got to go home.

Let's go. Hey, man, I can't go home.

Time to go. I ain't got no home. That bitch took my home.

Oh, no, man. We'll get you a new home. Let me have another drink.

It's after hours. Hold that drink, man. Let's go.

All right. I've been thrown out before.

Hey, we're not throwing you out, man. No, it's cool.

Hey, we're not throwing you out, man. No, it's cool.

I've been thrown out of motherfucking places before.

It ain't like I wanted to stay in that motherfucker anyway.

Motherfucker.

Shit.

Kick me out of the motherfucking club.

Kick me out of the motherfucking club.

♪ Are you going up ♪

♪ Or are you going down ♪

♪ Are you going up ♪ Foolish ?

♪ Or are you going down ♪

♪ Or are you going down ♪

Foolish.

- Look at you. - Get on out of here.

Don't you understand ? Tonight is your big chance. You need to pick yourself up.

Come on, Foolish. No ! Don't !

Don't you ever in your life touch me, woman.

You know what you did !

I was 16 years old, and you left me, Foolish.

I was 16 years old, and you left me, Foolish.

I left ? Bitch, is you crazy ?

I went to the motherfucking army ! Left, right, left !

You know where the hell you're off to, mister ?

So I could make some money to feed us and our motherfucking child ! That's why I went.

I come back,

you gone !

You and my brother gone !

Why did you go ? 'Cause you're scared.

'Cause you was scared.

You know what ?

We could have been something, girl.

We could have been something... magical.

Aw, forget it.

Yeah, forget it.

Fifty needs you tonight, Foolish.

Fifty needs you tonight, Foolish.

And as ignorant as your ass is...

I need you tonight.

Go on. Go on !

Go on ! Get the fuck on out of here !

Get the fuck out of here !

Hey, yo, Fifty, Hey, Fifty, man.

Hey, yo, Fifty.

Hey, man, you want me go and take down Foolish's name...

since he ain't gonna be here ?

Nah, leave it up there. All right, man.

♪ Are you going up ♪

♪ Or are you going down ♪

♪ Are you going up ♪

♪ Or are you going down ♪

♪ Are you going up ♪ Goddamn !

Dumb ! Dumb ! You're always fucking up ! You're always fucking up !

♪ Are you going up ♪ She's right. Your brother's right.

♪ Are you going down ♪ They right.

♪ Are you going down ♪ They right.

♪ Are you going down ♪

♪ Are you going down ♪

Grandma, where you at ?

I need you, baby.

♪ Are you going up ♪ ♪ I'm going up ♪

♪ Are you going down ♪ ♪ I'm going up now ♪

♪ I need money, mo' money mo' money, mo' fuckin' money ♪

♪ Money, money Not the moves, but the money ♪

♪ Money, money Not the moves, but the money ♪

♪ Money, money That's all I want ♪ Over here !

We can't be sitting in the back. You can sit out here, and the tickets will be free.

Hey. Hey, W.C. Mr. Washington.

What's up ? Hey, what's up ?

Dub C. Dub C.

What's up ? I'm on the guest list. What's up ? "Guest list" ?

There ain't no guest list. Aw, you tripping. Come on, man.

Uh-oh, uh-oh. I know this guy. Michael Jordan.

Hey, man, I seen all the games and everything, man.

Hey, man, I seen all the games and everything, man.

I'm an avid fan of yours. I'm not Mike.

What you doing for me ? It ain't like that. You got the hookup ?

So you got $25, right ? Fuck you.

Your mama is so old... she went to Mary's baby shower.

Baby, that's tired. Baby, you fine !

- That's why I'm the hostess, and I'm not a comedienne. - That's right.

I just want to introduce to you the next comedian. He's very, very funny.

Let's give it up for... Shallot !

Give it up for her one more time, y'all.

Give it up for these ladies too, man.

Give it up for these ladies too, man.

Beautiful ladies in the audience. I love the ladies.

Come on, fellas. Y'all can do better than that !

Give it up for these ladies !

That's right ! All these beautiful hairstyles.

I don't give a damn if there's no weave neither, ladies.

I don't care. If it make you look good, it make you feel good.

Get that shit. You can't grow it, sew it. You want to try it, buy it.

Fuck it. Lease a piece. I don't give a damn.

Rent to own. If you can't achieve it, weave it !

Rent to own. If you can't achieve it, weave it !

- You want to pretend it, extend it.

If you can't make it grow out some more, fuck it.

Married couples in the audience, how do you feel ? Y'all married right here ?

- Now, don't lie, motherfucker. - Just fucking, huh ?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Don't lie. Have you bought her a drink ?

- Yeah ? Well, I hope you fuck her.

Shit, you want to get your money's worth, don't you ?

Shit, ain't nothing wrong with fucking on the first date.

Ain't a damn thing wrong with fucking on the first date, ladies.

You want to see him again, don't you ?

Everybody happy now that Viagra came out. Yes, Lord.

Everybody happy now that Viagra came out. Yes, Lord.

Any men 45, 55 in here ?

The drug is killing them, y'all.

Talking about Viagra killing them. It ain't the drug that's killing them.

It's what they try to do after they take that pill that's killing them.

Motherfucker's 70, 80 years old, trying to bust a nut.

Come on, man.

Motherfucker's get that Viagra, and then they want to butterfly. Say mm-hmm.

"I told your young ass I got something for you."

I got two V.I.P. seats.V.I.P.

Big boy. What's up, baby ? What's happening ?

Big boy. What's up, baby ? What's happening ?

Fuzz Head. We got y'all covered. Don't trip. How you doing ?

- Nervous ? - Hey, Foolish, look over here.

Right. Turn so I can get the other side.

Stand to the left a bit.

I guess you got tired of telling jokes by the liquor store, huh ?

I guess you got tired of telling jokes by the liquor store, huh ?

Man, raise up off this shit. Ain't nobody drinking.

So what you doing ?

I'm doing the show. That's what we're here to do, right ?

So, is this love or business ?

This is love, Fifty. You're my brother. This is love.

Where you at, fellas ? Where you at, fellas ?

Thrill me !

Hey, how you doing ?

- Look, fellas, that's our boy. - I-I dig you, man.

- Look, fellas, that's our boy. - I-I dig you, man.

That's what I'm talking about. What's bopping ?

How did they get everything so shiny ? They got a valet towel boy in here ?

Like them shoes, Redd. Oh, yeah.

They passed the nigger some new shoes up in heaven.

It's all about the blue light. Keep that blue light goin'.

- Blue light ? - It's the purest light in the spectrum. Oh, yeah.

It's all around you. Can you get this stuff off ?

No, boy, it's the blue light.

- All the great ones got it. - Oh.

People would kill to get the blue light, you big dummy.

People would kill to get the blue light, you big dummy.

Great ones, huh ?

You know, God gave you extra light, man, to shine during these dark times.

You made it through the blues.

That's why they call it blue light.

Yes, sir !

- Let's take it to the stage. - Let's take it to the stage.

Let's take it to the motherfucking stage !

Let's take it to the motherfucking stage !

I'm gonna dedicate tonight's show...

to a woman that Foolish.

It's what my grandmother gave me.

She just passed away. You know what I'm saying ?

But it's like she here now. You know what I'm saying ?

I'm dealing with it. I can feel it still in the nigger ear.

"Boy, you better not do no cussing."

All right... motherfucker.

Shit ! Goddamn ! What you say, motherfucker ?

Shit ! Goddamn ! What you say, motherfucker ?

Did y'all hear her ? She said, "Foolish."

I remember the first time I met my father.

See, I didn't grow up with that motherfucker.

He's one of them "bust a nut and run" motherfuckers.

You know what I'm saying ? He hit and quit it.

"Ah. Oh, responsibility. Got to go."

So, when I was 16, I'm coming in the house from shooting ball.

This nigger's sitting on the couch. I didn't know who the nigger was.

I bump into my grandmother in the hallway, I'm like,

I bump into my grandmother in the hallway, I'm like,

"Hey, Grandma, you got a new, young thing ?"

- She's like, "That's your daddy, baby. - " Oh, man.

I said, "What ?" She said, "That's him."

So I went in there, staring at the nigger.

Just to see where I get my shit from.

I'm like, "There are the beady eyes.

"There's the little hooked-ass nose.

"The nigger definitely got some rabbit-ass teeth.

Oh, that's Pops. That's Pops like a motherfucker."

First think out of his mouth,

"Junior, go get me a glass of water."

"Junior, go get me a glass of water."

I said, "Nigger, ain't no juniors in here.

"If you want to get a glass of water, you better get up on them two crinkly-ass legs,

"walk your ass in the kitchen and get you a glass.

Otherwise, it's Desert Storm up in here, bitch !"

And my grandmother had told me for years,

"First time you see him, hit him in the jaw, baby."

And her voice just going off in my head,

"Hit him in the jaw."

"Hit him in the jaw."

That nigger said two more words to me.

Hit him in the jaw !

Dropped his ass and ran out the house.

I didn't see the nigger since.

Nigger showed up at a show I was doing, talking about, "Can I have a free ticket ?"

I said, "What ?"

I said, "Nigger, where's my Big Wheel ?"

"Where's my G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip ?"

You know what I'm saying ? "Where's my See and Say ?"

You know what I'm saying ? "Where's my See and Say ?"

"Where's my Sit and Spin, motherfucker ?"

"Where's my tricycle, bicycle ? Nigger, when I get one of them, you can get a free ticket !"

So the nigger bought a ticket to the show.

Now, why he sat on the front row, I don't know.

I talked about him for four days.

The next day, the nigger had a heart attack.

They trying to tell me I gave him a heart attack.

They trying to tell me I gave him a heart attack.

I said, "I didn't give him no heart attack, his conscience gave him one."

That little voice that be in your head, telling you, "You ignorant, black motherfucker.

"Oh, now that the nigger is getting a little fame about him,

"now you want to hang out, huh, motherfucker ?

"Yeah, I'm gonna choke you up for a minute, motherfucker.

"You gonna have to understand what being a father's all about.

"you no good, nasty, motherfucker.

"All that nigger wanted was a Big Wheel!

All he wanted was a G.I. Joe !"

So at age 16, I got my girlfriend pregnant.

So at age 16, I got my girlfriend pregnant.

She's going out with my brother now.

You know what I'm saying ? She's working her way through the family.

But I got her pregnant and shit, you know ?

That was a lot for a nigger to handle at 16, you know ?

I guess like father, like son.

I had plans.

I got the fuck out. You know what I'm saying ?

At 16, I don't know what to do with this little motherfucker.

Shitty diapers and shit.

I had visions in my head of going to college, being something and shit.

I had visions in my head of going to college, being something and shit.

Now here's this little motherfucker, "Wah, wah."

You know what I'm saying ? So I went into the army.

Now the army ain't for niggers.

If there's a nigger in here thinking about that shit, forget it ! Let that shit go.

Them motherfuckers say, "We do more before 6:00 a.m....

than most motherfuckers do all day."

That's too much shit !

You doing way too much shit, too motherfucking early !

So I say, "Fuck it. I got to get out, nigger."

So I tried smoking weed first.

So I tried smoking weed first.

I bought a jar of the shit, me and my Jamaican partner.

We lit it off base thinking we'd get budded.

You know what I'm saying ? You know, Jamaicans, nigger, they roll up Sunday Times.

Fuck a blunt, nigger, the whole Sunday Times.

I'm smoking the sports section.

You know what I'm saying ? Smoking the motherfucker economics section.

Shit, nigger, we was bluffed !

I smoked so much shit, the next day they had the piss test, and I was pissing residue !

They could have dried it out and smoked my piss !

They could have dried it out and smoked my piss !

You know what I'm saying ? They're like, "Well, we're gonna give you another chance...

"because you signed on a drug waiver.

Go on."

And I'm madder than a motherfucker !

When you want to get kicked out, they don't want to kick you out.

So, I said, "Fuck it, nigger." The next day I came, I played crazy.

I stood up on the captain's desk, pissed on his head and the desk.

I'm just hollering.

You motherfucker ! You motherfucker !

Hut, two, three, four ! Hut, two, three, four !

I squirted the whole fucking room !

I squirted the whole fucking room !

They took me off base to a hospital.

Third floor, mental ward. I'm sitting in that motherfucker, man.

They had some real crazy motherfuckers in there.

They had this one white dude that just sat in there all day long,

"Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll.

Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll. Rock and roll."

I don't know what song was playing in his head, but he dug the fuck out of it.

"Rock and roll. Rock and roll."

They had this other motherfucker swore up and down Mickey Mouse was on his shoulder.

They asked him, "Why do you think you're here ?"

They asked him, "Why do you think you're here ?"

This motherfucker goes, "Shut up, Mickey."

And that's how he used to walk, nigger, like he was floating around.

"Mickey wants me to kill you now."

I told him no. "No, Mickey."

I didn't know Mickey Mouse was that nasty a motherfucker.

So then the doctors used to come and check on the nigger late at night.

And I'm fucking with them, sitting in there...

'cause that Mickey motherfucker is in the same room with me.

'cause that Mickey motherfucker is in the same room with me.

They wouldn't give us silverware. It was plastic shit.

Nigger, I was gonna plastic fork that motherfucker to death...

if Mickey told him to come over here fucking with me.

I'm sitting in there--

The doctor came in one night and caught me, nigger, 'cause I'm fucking with him.

He's like, "You know martial arts, don't you ?"

"Yes, I do."

"Of course I do."

"I want to know when I'm getting out of here."

So that motherfucker came to me the next day, he said,

"Look, you ain't crazy.

"You a hell of a good actor, but you far from crazy.

"You a hell of a good actor, but you far from crazy.

"I'm looking at all your tests. You ain't crazy. I'm gonna let you out.

You're willing to go through that shit, you're willing to get the fuck up out of here."

So I get out here to L.A., nigger. I was homeless when I first got out here.

That's when I found out homeless motherfuckers are the freest people on planet Earth.

You all got jobs. You all got to be somewhere.

A homeless motherfucker-- Shit... he free.

You'll be like, "Hey, you want to--"

"- Fuck no, man. - I ain't doing shit."

You know, his only worry is, "Where my sandwich ?" You know what I'm saying ?

You know, his only worry is, "Where my sandwich ?" You know what I'm saying ?

I had a homeless motherfucker come up to me the other day talking about,

"Hey, man. You got a quarter so I can get something to eat ?"

I said, "Nigger, you know where to get something to eat for a quarter, I'll go with you."

What's wrong ? This ain't Giovanni's. You don't have no time limit.

This is our thing, baby. You can do what you want. You can do your stuff.

This is our thing, baby. You can do what you want. You can do your stuff.

I ain't feeling it, man. They love you out there, boy.

First you don't want to do it, then you want to do it.

Then you show up and you're bullshit. What's wrong ?

Foolish !

Comedy shit ain't me no more, man.

It ain't me. Fuck it.

What ?

Man, handle your business. Hurry up, man,

before you make me lose some money, baby.

I love you. This is all about you. I love you too, boy.

I love you. This is all about you. I love you too, boy.

Foolish ! Foolish ! Foolish !

Foolish ! Foolish ! Foolish !

Well, now.

Well, now.

Damn ! Y'all show a nigger love.

Even the white people clapped.

Look at you.

Missing the beat and shit, but clapping nonetheless.

Did y'all see the white people coming in here ?

Wasn't they scared of the motherfuckers ?

They ain't never been around this many niggers.

White people was walking in like this--

"Just hold your purse. Now, come on.

"Shit ! Come on, stay close !

As soon as we get a seat, we'll be calm."

As soon as we get a seat, we'll be calm."

You know what I'm saying ? Being black is powerful.

Niggers, y'all don't realize the power we got.

You can walk down the sidewalk, white people will get out of your way.

You know what I'm saying ? Because niggers, we got this certain kind of walk like--

"Nigger, what's up ?"

"Say, nigger, might get in that ass, nigger." You know what I'm saying ?

White people are all like--

White people, y'all been some nutty motherfuckers for a while.

You know, when white people get mad it's, "Why don't you go back to Africa ?"

How the fuck we gonna go back to some shit we never been at ?

How the fuck we gonna go back to some shit we never been at ?

Yeah, I mean like, we'll just land in Africa, "Hey, where Umbutu's house at ?

Oh, drive two lions and then an elephant ? I got it."

We don't ask y'all to go back to England.

"Why don't you go back to bloody fucking England ?"

'Cause you ain't from this motherfucker either.

White people, do you all have a death wish ?

You know what I'm saying ? 'Cause I've been taking a course in honkyology.

I've come to the conclusion in my thesis that y'all crazier than a motherfucker.

I mean, y'all skydive.

I mean, y'all skydive.

These motherfuckers actually pay to jump out of planes.

You know what I'm saying ? You won't find a drunk nigger jumping off a porch.

A drunk nigger is like, "I know where it's at."

Y'all go down and swim with sharks. I watched it on the Discovery Channel.

That's where you can discover how crazy them motherfuckers are.

Then they always come chewed-up and shit.

You ain't seen a chewed-up nigger by a shark nowhere on planet Earth,

'cause we don't go that far in the ocean.

'cause we don't go that far in the ocean.

When we go to the ocean, how deep we get ? Knee high.

Nigger be out there splashing,

trying to make it like he doing something.

Nigger feels some seaweed, "Shit, nigger !

Something in there. Something in there !"

See, Mother Nature's got a little hit out on white folks.

No, really, y'all should pray.

Just watch the weather. Tornado... kills white folks.

Just watch the weather. Tornado... kills white folks.

Hurricane kills white folks.

Don't you know every hurricane starts on the Cape of Africa where they picked slaves up ?

Follows the same trail as the slave ships.

Lands on the same ports in America where they dropped slaves off.

That's spirit for your ass.

That's that first old nigger's spirit. He was hot.

"You motherfuckers !"

Whenever there's an earthquake, only white folks on the news.

You know, niggers, they just shake up.

You know, niggers, they just shake up.

You know, we fucking and we blame it on fucking. "You feel that, girl ?"

"Shit, putting it down. Hey, putting it down !"

"Got the house shaking in this motherfucker !"

I'm wondering why only white people get to see the aliens ?

How come aliens don't come to the 'hood ?

Are they racist too ? What they got against the motherfuckers ?

You know, you done flew all the way from another planet,

and you racist already, you motherfucker !

I might want to be abducted. Come and get me !

I want to see the little egghead man !

I want to see the little egghead man !

Motherfuckers ! You know what I'm saying ?

'Cause they know if they park their spaceship in the 'hood, nigger, we jacking !

Niggers be walking around selling U.F.O. pieces.

"Look, it float right by itself. Look at that."

"I got some more, nigger. You know what I'm saying ?"

Remember when motherfucking pop locking first came along ?

Fucked up pussy for everybody.

Remember you used to have a party down in the basement and shit ?

Remember you used to have a party down in the basement and shit ?

You know what I'm saying ? Your parents gone and shit. You know what I'm saying ?

You just gonna throw a party. Fuck it, nigger. Hang a flashlight.

Remember you had the slow music going and shit.

You finally got this little shorty that you've been trying to hit for a while, nigger.

You all rubbed up with the motherfucker.

"Yeah, baby, what's happening ?

"Are you still with that nigger Earl ?

"I don't even know why you with that nigger. You know what I'm saying ?

"Nigger don't do nothing but start fights all day.

"Nigger don't do nothing but start fights all day.

"You know what I'm saying ? You need somebody that's gonna... treat you right, girl.

I ain't trying nothing. I ain't trying nothing."

You know what I'm saying ? You know what I'm saying ?

And right when it look like you about to get that shit,

it was always two motherfuckers that fucked the whole party up.

Niggers come walking in.

"That nigger ain't doing shit. That nigger ain't doing shit. Hold up."

You know what I'm saying ? If you look at Michael Jackson's body language, he did it !

'Cause there's one dance move he did that tell on hisself.

That's where he'd kick him in the head,

grab him, spin him around, get down low and stick him.

Mrs. Powell. Buzzer not working.

Mrs. Powell. Buzzer not working.

Ya don't understand me ?

All right, let me put me boss on.

Yes, babe, how's it going ?

No, no, it's Sammy.

Yes.

If I was the President,

there would be a line of bitches around the White House.

"Send the next one in. I want to get to know the whole country, personally."

You're a genius. You do. You look just like you do on stage.

No, like Gary Coleman. Did you know he's working at the Fox Hills Mall ?

No, like Gary Coleman. Did you know he's working at the Fox Hills Mall ?

No. Yes, doing security.

Yeah, at three foot two. Can you believe it ?

What's he securing ?

The whole country tripping 'cause the President got some pussy.

As hard as that motherfucker's job is, we should send him pussy !

One day I looked at myself in the mirror and I said,

"Oh !" I yelled so loud.

"Oh, wake up !"

No, of course, I'm not dead.

All rumors. Yeah, we faked the whole thing.

All rumors. Yeah, we faked the whole thing.

Yeah.

No, no, no, um, I got a pizza for you. Yes.

Female species, y'all lucky. I ain't lying.

See, God knew you all was some evil motherfuckers.

That's why you all have this thing called periods.

No, 'cause you all got so much evil in your blood, God got to drain it once a month.

If they don't have periods, they might snap and kill the whole planet.

If they don't have periods, they might snap and kill the whole planet.

That's why, right before a woman have her period,

you know when it's coming, 'cause they be walking around, "Yes, that's right. Uh-huh.

"Oh, no. What'd you say, motherfucker ?

I got my knife ! I got my knife !"

Then they start rolling.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. What came over me ?"

The shit they should be worried about is Jerry Lewis's telethon.

That's what the country should be mad at.

This motherfucker done had this telethon for the last 30 years !

Making 100 million a year, not one fixed kid !

Making 100 million a year, not one fixed kid !

You know what I'm saying ? I want to see last year's poster child come out.

"I can walk now. I can dance. Keep sending your money. That shit works."

Oh, my gosh, Fifty ! Shit. Sorry. Foolish. Wrong guy.

That motherfucker's so cheap with this film, this ain't even on the film.

You know what I'm saying ? They really got Scotch tape in that motherfucker.

It's a little midget drawing pictures of us.

It's a little midget drawing pictures of us.

This will probably leave a bad taste in your mouth about me.

Cut. Let's do it again. What the fuck was that, man ?

Boz, I'm gonna sit you in the fucking trailer, you hear ?

Eddie ! The mike ! Turn it around !

Turn it around ! Oh.

Yeah, that might fuck the whole film up.

You know what I'm saying ? Like this gonna make a damn difference.

If motherfuckers are paying attention to the motherfucking mike, I ain't doing something.

Shit.

Hey, motherfucker gonna be at the theater.

"Look how he holding that mike.

Man, you done fucked it all up ! Look how he holding the mike !"

Damn !

You all better stop fucking with me !

You all better stop fucking with me !

So the laughs keep rolling all the way into the parking lot, huh ?

All night long.

Aw, damn !

♪ Foolish ♪

♪ Foolish ♪

♪ Foolish ♪

♪ Foolish ♪

♪ Yes, I'm Foolish ♪ ♪ Foolish ♪

♪ Look into the eyes of a fool See broken dreams and lonely nights ♪

♪ Stressed-out days TV with no antenna ♪

♪ Just pretending there's more losers than winners ♪

♪ Sometimes I say, "Uh" Just to relieve my damn pain ♪

♪ Or pick up a phone to call my grandma 'cause she kept me in the game ♪

♪ Before y'all say nothing popular ♪

♪ Can't imagine life without big mama ♪

♪ So many snakes and killers jackers and piranhas ♪

♪ See this game got me way deep ♪ ♪ Way deep ♪

♪ I pray the Lord I wake before I sleep ♪ ♪ Before I sleep ♪

♪ Some say your friend will be your enemy ♪

♪ Some say your friend will be your enemy ♪

♪ Don't trust no one but your family ♪

♪ With all the love they show when I'm around ♪

♪ I wonder will they show it back when I'm down ♪

♪ See, you a king when you sitting on top ♪

♪ But you a fool when you finally drop ♪

♪ I thank the Lord for everything I got ♪

♪ And there's no limit till my time's stopped ♪

♪ Foolish ♪

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles ♪ Foolish ♪

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles ♪ Foolish ♪