Original subtitles

Previously on Breaking Bear.

Blair is dead!

If you follow that beam of light, all of Daniel Boone's state forest will be

destroyed. Because you, and you alone, have been chosen to save it.

The word on the street is that your magical honey nut meth is a real game

changer. I want that recipe.

Aye. I won't give it up.

Wolves? What do we call bear to step into our territory after being warned

never to do that again? We call them dinner.

I option the rights for us to do the Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Junior High School production of Straight Out of Compton.

I'd need one and a half kilos for that.

Where are your furry partners?

I want the fancy flavored shit.

Are you sure this is the same shit? Of course it is.

All right, let's load this new batch up, get it out on the streets, and make

the junior high school theater community proud.

I can't wait to smoke, snort, and booty bump a bunch of this shit.

You know, in the name of quality control, of course. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is the first damn rule of running a biker drug empire?

Uh, teamwork makes the dream work. Okay, fine.

The second rule. Helmets are for pussies?

That's more of a philosophy than a rule.

Oh, wait, I know.

Don't get high on your own supply.

That's the one.

Now get out there and be the change you wish to see in the world.

Holy shit! I love getting high on my own supply.

On your bikes, fellas.

Customers are waiting.

Um,

you guys?

I think we may have a serious quality control problem here.

I command you. Wolves, heal, heal.

What the heck?

Someone remove his mask.

The Wolf King is back.

All hail the Wolf King. The Queen's royal consort has returned.

Hail his majesty, Jesse Eisenberg.

Jesse Eisenberg?

Oh, my leash.

I've missed your touch.

Okay, not now, Queen.

You guys must... I have a lot of questions.

Maybe this will help. See the full moon.

Nope,

that didn't help at all. If anything, I have more questions.

My story began in 2003.

Hold on.

I could do this all day.

Anywho, my first big role was in the werewolf movie, Cursed.

It was produced by Harvey Weinstein.

When I arrived for my audition, Harvey had quite the surprise for me.

No, not that surprise.

For some reason, Harvey never made a move on me. I always found that to be a

bittersweet blessing, you know? I mean, I'm glad I wasn't taken advantage of,

but by the same token, I was all like, hey, what am I, chapped liver?

Please just get to the point.

Harvey had me run lines with a real werewolf who attacked and infected me at

the end of the scene.

You're telling us you became a werewolf to play a werewolf in a movie. It's

called Commitment to the Craft. And sure, the movie bombed. And yeah, now I

go on a killing spree every time there's a full moon. But, you know, no regrets.

That still doesn't really explain how you ended up as Army Hammer's gimp. You

may remember I played plucky underdog Mark Zuckerberg in the film The Social

Network, for which I was nominated for an Academy Award.

Well, this time I was guaranteed to win one for the sequel, The Social Network

2. Nobody does it meta.

Because we'd be doing it without Armie Hammer stealing my spotlight by playing

both Winklevoss twins. Can you just stop showing your phone? I'd rather see a

flashback.

So there it was, finishing up the last words of the screenplay.

The end.

Wow. Killing baby seals is way more fun in real life than in the metaverse. I

should have tried this years ago.

Go for Zuck.

As you can probably guess, Mark Zuckerberg did not want the social

network 2 to see the light of day.

Ah. Excellent work, fellow human.

Commencing operation Hammer Time.

Go for Hammer. Check your front porch.

Whoa, I told you the word canceled triggers me.

Sorry. It's cool. We all make mistakes.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the pronouns of my victims wrong

right before I killed and ate them.

Anywho, I'm looking forward to having you over for foie gras when I'm done

fattening Jesse up in my cannibal sex dungeon.

I would have been eaten by wealthy psychopaths if these bears hadn't saved

me. I owe them my life.

Pablo Escobar commanded me to make an alliance between the bears and the

wolves. He said it was the only way to save the forest.

Pablo Escobar died in 1993.

Don't ask.

We think that Blair might have sustained a slight head injury.

Bears and wolves need to be allies.

I was just about to say the exact same thing, but in a Cockney accent, just for

fun. And to show my versatility as an actor.

These ass- Souls were dealing meth, and you're not my real dad.

We're only selling meth to save the forest. It's our home, just like it's

your home. And we're in a war right now with Park Rangers, an oil company that

wants to frack us to kingdom come, the local chapter of the Aryan Brotherhood,

and Nazi furries.

Nazis? Oh, hell no.

Wait, that speech actually worked. I've never inspired anyone before.

I'll explain.

Show them, boys.

Uh... And why exactly am I looking at all these wolf wieners? Wow!

Talk about an embarrassment of riches.

I mean, I don't even know where to look. You know, because they're all so gross.

Right? Oh, my God.

They're all circumcised.

Yes, we are.

When Jesse became our king, we converted to Judaism.

Okay.

You could have just told us, or, you know, just thrown in a random oy vey,

and we just could have done the math.

Hang on. How do you even circumcise a wolf wiener?

Very carefully.

Seriously, though, they kept killing the moil, so I had to do it.

It really hurts.

But it looks nicer, and you don't smell like smeg anymore.

You're embarrassing me, Mom. If you're dealing meth to save the forest and

defeat Nazis, the pack will support you. As a renowned actor, I have access to

some of the most talented drug dealers in Hollywood. They can help us

distribute your meth to get more cash rolling in.

How much meth can you get me? How much do you need?

Where did the rest of the hydrochloric acid go? And where did this high

fructose corn syrup come from?

Sorghum peanuts?

Yeah, wow.

Who knows where that could have come from? Hey, Jesse Eisenberg, you like

junior high school musical theater, right?

What red-blooded heterosexual American male doesn't? Then I will save you the

best seat on opening night for the show I am writing, producing, and directing.

It's Straight Outta Compton, a musical version of the N.W.A. story, but with

none of the annoying rap music or offensive R-rated language.

That sounds good.

Enough yapping. Let's start cooking.

Right. Let's cook!

I'm off to a place where miserable rich people will pay top dollar for this

deadly crap.

Hollywood!

Damn, we cooked a lot of mess today.

I am beat.

Actually, I need you two somewhere else. Tawny's coming over to watch that sexy

rom-com, Silence of the Lambs, and then we plan to get really freaky deaky, and

I do mean a deaky.

You think you can kick us out of our own home? Well, yeah, but Pawnee did say

that she's cool with Alistair staying if you want to sit in the corner and watch.

No. No!

I refuse to be a part of this, this beastiality.

Wait, wait. We are beasts, so what should we bears call interspecies sex

with humans?

Let's just call it disgusting.

Jared, this is no time to get distracted by some local news skank. We can't get

sloppy right now.

Oh, yeah.

Tawny and I are planning to get very sloppy.

That reminds me, I gotta put a tarp down. How am I the only one still

worried about all the missing hydrochloric acid?

I'm going to the RV to figure out our inventory issues while you do what you

always do.

Nothing.

Nothing? Didn't you hear me? Wait, I'm coming too.

I'm about to have some very kinky, very vigorous sex.

Jeez.

We found the bear's hideout.

Kids, Jesse Eisenberg will be coming to opening night. And, oh, my God, if he

likes it, he could help us get the show to Broadway.

He could come on as a producer or join the cast.

Oh, he'd be great as Ice Cube.

But I'm Ice Cube. If we go to Broadway, you can be Tupac.

You'd be a great Tupac. Everyone at my dad's country club says I'm very thug

life. Mm-hmm. And I've been thinking about it. We need a happy ending for the

show. Everyone dying of AIDS is depressing.

So instead, Easy E is going to get cured. And guess who cures him?

Dr. Dre!

You can't go in there. Mr. Wyatt is in a meeting.

A meeting, eh?

Yeah, with my gun here. Look, I've got a problem with some wildlife near your job

site, but I think there's a solution that'll help both of us make lots of

money. Make lots of money is what I affectionately call verbal Viagra.

Here's your afternoon coffee.

Oops. I could have sworn that it wasn't loaded. My bad.

Tell me more, son.

Oh, Jesus, the wolf!

Ooh, you're kind of cute.

Like in a guy you'd mess around with in a parking lot after last call at

Applebee's kind of way. What I have to show you is going to be hard to see. Do

you have, like, a misshapen penis because that Applebee's guy?

Ew!

Is this some... kind of weird sex thing. If it is, I am disgusted.

But after a couple of tequila shots, I could probably be into it.

You see this, Goldtooth? This is all that's left of your brother Wink. The

bear named Jer killed him, ate him, and then tried to pin his murder on the wolf

pack.

So many questions race through my head.

Why did you come to see me? The bears are joining forces with my stepfather,

who, after seducing my mother, I'm pretty sure was responsible for my

father's mysterious death.

Oh, it's all so Shakespearean. Yes.

And as such, I have decided to kill my stepfather to avenge my father.

And you must kill this chair to avenge your brother.

But you must admit it would give your news story an amazing finale that you

could then turn into a popular true crime podcast or a shitty low-budget

Netflix documentary series.

Oh.

Where is he? I'll kill the bastard.

Something just doesn't add up. You go ahead and start looking. I just need a

minute to clear my head.

Why is everybody so upset, human and animal? Sex, sex, sex. Everything is

about sex.

What? New bears in the woods?

Oh, come on!

Happy week and a half anniversary!

I kind of wish I was dead, but I'm sure it'll pass.

You seem a little jumpy. I'm just having a hard time with something.

Are you sure you've never met my brother Wink? You already know the wolves ate

him. I mean, they were the ones with his phone and his gold tooth.

Who said anything about a phone or a gold tooth?

What? Oh, oh, you know, I like how drug dealers often have phones and gold

teeth, at least according to the mariachi songs about how romantic being

a narco is.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah. I just... Have you ever had one of those realizations that change

everything? Totally.

I used to think I hated asparagus, but then I realized it's worth the yucky

taste for the surprise pea smell later.

I've got a sudden urge to do something really crazy.

Do you have any rope?

Okay, so the anhydrous ammonia seems to all be here. But where is the rest of

the hydrochloric acid?

And we're short on hypophosphorus acid and phenylpropanolamine, but we have

more circus peanuts.

Now what's going on?

Nice try, but this is our jurisdiction, Smokey. Wrong. This happened in Boone

County. And by God, I'm a Boone County sheriff.

What the fuck?

Call you if there's any animals that need arresting. Humans are animals,

dumbass. You arrest animals, too. Oh, you want to come at me with semantics?

That's it. I'm turning off my body camera.

There's honey nut.

Tastes like circus peanut.

I feel like you've been pointing those guns at me without saying anything for a

really long time.

Oh, we were waiting. for you to say something. Yeah, I mean, we're shy.

Oh, Jesus, what did I say?

This wasn't our idea.

It wasn't. Look, AWOLF Hitler ordered us to kill you.

You're furries?

We're Nazi furries. But we swear, we are not the gross racist kind of Nazis.

We don't hate Jews or black people. We just liked wearing Hugo Boss and then

found out he was not only a Nazi, but also made the original Nazi uniform.

You got to admit, that's pretty tight.

When you join the Nazi furries, you get a genuine Hugo Boss Nazi uniform for

free. We're not fascist Nazis.

We're fashion Nazis.

We love fashion. Yes. For us, wearing Nazi uniforms is heritage.

Not hate.

Plus, it's Coco Chanel.

And VW bugs are really, really cute.

I'm sorry.

It's just a lot of emotions.

You know, guys, everybody gets down on themselves sometimes. We're not killers.

We're lovers.

Come on. Let's bring it in.

Wait, this is wrong.

I'm not gay.

We're not gay either.

Ew.

Oh.

Wait, wait, no. I'm not in interspecies sex.

Uh, either.

And now we're all bears again.

Very heterosexual bears.

Why don't you come back to our cave?

What the hell is this?

There's no fridge, no TV or air purifier. How can you guys live like

this? The bear life, you mean?

Wait, this is what you think the bear life is, leaving half-eaten salmon

carcasses all over the place?

Oh, yeah. We're 24-7 full immersion furries, like you.

We live our personas, and then we fuck our fur out.

Oh.

Oh, you guys think I'm a...

They think you're a furry like them, Alistair.

It would be completely unethical to have sex with them under false pretenses.

Oh, for the love of God, would you please just shut the fuck up? You

frigid, holier-than-thou party pooper prude.

Jeez, let the poor guy have a little fun.

Hey, don't get testy with me. You want to take this inside?

Sure. I have no problem fighting for what's right. Let's do this.

Let's go.

Fuck you.

Ow. Ow. Stop it. That's not fair. You're bleeding.

Ow.

Oh, fine.

You win. You can get off me. You hear that? Go for it, big guy.

Yes. I'm a furry just like you guys.

A heterosexual not in an interspecies sex 24-7 furry. That's me.

Yay! Okay, I'll fetch the cock rings and nipple clamps. All right.

And I'll grab the non-dairy whipped topping.

I have to admit, I was really disappointed when you said you forgot to

pick up our fast food uniforms.

But this is fun, too!

Right?

Yeah!

I've been wanting to try some of this sicko Japanese rope torture ever since

we hung out with Army Hammer.

So this friggin' rules, he may have wanted to murder and eat me, but he also

had his good side.

You sure you're in there tight?

Can't get free at all?

I am completely helpless. You could do anything you want to me, and I couldn't

fight back.

Great. I'll be right back with the knife.

Oh, hell yeah. That sounded super threatening, but it's all just kinky

make-believe. So this is okay, right?

Tauntaun?

Tawny?

Tawny?

Okay, I'm just going to say it. I've never been hornier. Oh, holy shit. Me

either, actually. Wow.

What happens when I do this?

Whoops.

I just nutted. Oh, seriously?

This is a kink I didn't even know I had.

Oh, hey, look!

I'm hard again!

Probably because of the guns and how wrong all of this is. Let's just do it.

Oh, hey,

you showed up at the perfect time. We always take a cake break right about

now. Tiramisu?

What the hell is this?

And why did I find it on your guide?

Oh, that's why you're here. Check the label. That's your shit that killed half

my guys, lady bear.

Uh, it isn't, because my shit doesn't kill the customers. That's kind of

business 101.

Well, either way, you owe me a fucking helicopter.

The fuck, helicopter?

To replace the one your buddy Dwight hustled us out of the other day in

exchange for this shit.

Of course it was Dwight.

My brothers and I had nothing to do with making this shitty mess.

This is what my mess looks like. And I don't do fucking circus flavor.

Hey, listen, let's just all breathe, okay?

Take like 15 minutes to brainstorm.

Blue sky, no bad ideas.

Run stuff up the flagpole, see if anyone salutes.

See what sticks to the wall.

You might be globs of your little bare brains sticking to the wall by the time

we're through with you.

I want the honey nut meth recipe. No way.

Way. Very fucking way.

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