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Previously on Breaking Bear.
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Blair is dead!
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If you follow that beam of light, all of
Daniel Boone's state forest will be
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00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:30,980
destroyed. Because you, and you alone,
have been chosen to save it.
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The word on the street is that your
magical honey nut meth is a real game
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changer. I want that recipe.
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Aye. I won't give it up.
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Wolves? What do we call bear to step
into our territory after being warned
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never to do that again? We call them
dinner.
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I option the rights for us to do the
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
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Junior High School production of
Straight Out of Compton.
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I'd need one and a half kilos for that.
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Where are your furry partners?
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I want the fancy flavored shit.
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Are you sure this is the same shit? Of
course it is.
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All right, let's load this new batch up,
get it out on the streets, and make
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the junior high school theater community
proud.
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I can't wait to smoke, snort, and booty
bump a bunch of this shit.
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You know, in the name of quality
control, of course. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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What is the first damn rule of running a
biker drug empire?
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Uh, teamwork makes the dream work. Okay,
fine.
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The second rule. Helmets are for
pussies?
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That's more of a philosophy than a rule.
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Oh, wait, I know.
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Don't get high on your own supply.
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That's the one.
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Now get out there and be the change you
wish to see in the world.
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Holy shit! I love getting high on my own
supply.
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On your bikes, fellas.
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Customers are waiting.
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Um,
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you guys?
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I think we may have a serious quality
control problem here.
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I command you. Wolves, heal, heal.
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What the heck?
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Someone remove his mask.
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The Wolf King is back.
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All hail the Wolf King. The Queen's
royal consort has returned.
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Hail his majesty, Jesse Eisenberg.
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Jesse Eisenberg?
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Oh, my leash.
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I've missed your touch.
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Okay, not now, Queen.
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You guys must... I have a lot of
questions.
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Maybe this will help. See the full moon.
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Nope,
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that didn't help at all. If anything, I
have more questions.
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My story began in 2003.
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Hold on.
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I could do this all day.
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Anywho, my first big role was in the
werewolf movie, Cursed.
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It was produced by Harvey Weinstein.
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When I arrived for my audition, Harvey
had quite the surprise for me.
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No, not that surprise.
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For some reason, Harvey never made a
move on me. I always found that to be a
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bittersweet blessing, you know? I mean,
I'm glad I wasn't taken advantage of,
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but by the same token, I was all like,
hey, what am I, chapped liver?
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Please just get to the point.
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Harvey had me run lines with a real
werewolf who attacked and infected me at
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the end of the scene.
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You're telling us you became a werewolf
to play a werewolf in a movie. It's
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called Commitment to the Craft. And
sure, the movie bombed. And yeah, now I
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go on a killing spree every time there's
a full moon. But, you know, no regrets.
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That still doesn't really explain how
you ended up as Army Hammer's gimp. You
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may remember I played plucky underdog
Mark Zuckerberg in the film The Social
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Network, for which I was nominated for
an Academy Award.
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Well, this time I was guaranteed to win
one for the sequel, The Social Network
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2. Nobody does it meta.
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Because we'd be doing it without Armie
Hammer stealing my spotlight by playing
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both Winklevoss twins. Can you just stop
showing your phone? I'd rather see a
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flashback.
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So there it was, finishing up the last
words of the screenplay.
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The end.
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Wow. Killing baby seals is way more fun
in real life than in the metaverse. I
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should have tried this years ago.
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Go for Zuck.
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As you can probably guess, Mark
Zuckerberg did not want the social
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network 2 to see the light of day.
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Ah. Excellent work, fellow human.
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Commencing operation Hammer Time.
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Go for Hammer. Check your front porch.
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Whoa, I told you the word canceled
triggers me.
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Sorry. It's cool. We all make mistakes.
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I can't tell you how many times I've
gotten the pronouns of my victims wrong
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right before I killed and ate them.
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Anywho, I'm looking forward to having
you over for foie gras when I'm done
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fattening Jesse up in my cannibal sex
dungeon.
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I would have been eaten by wealthy
psychopaths if these bears hadn't saved
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me. I owe them my life.
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Pablo Escobar commanded me to make an
alliance between the bears and the
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wolves. He said it was the only way to
save the forest.
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Pablo Escobar died in 1993.
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Don't ask.
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We think that Blair might have sustained
a slight head injury.
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Bears and wolves need to be allies.
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I was just about to say the exact same
thing, but in a Cockney accent, just for
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fun. And to show my versatility as an
actor.
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These ass- Souls were dealing meth, and
you're not my real dad.
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We're only selling meth to save the
forest. It's our home, just like it's
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your home. And we're in a war right now
with Park Rangers, an oil company that
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wants to frack us to kingdom come, the
local chapter of the Aryan Brotherhood,
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and Nazi furries.
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Nazis? Oh, hell no.
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Wait, that speech actually worked. I've
never inspired anyone before.
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I'll explain.
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Show them, boys.
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Uh... And why exactly am I looking at
all these wolf wieners? Wow!
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Talk about an embarrassment of riches.
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I mean, I don't even know where to look.
You know, because they're all so gross.
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Right? Oh, my God.
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They're all circumcised.
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Yes, we are.
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When Jesse became our king, we converted
to Judaism.
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Okay.
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You could have just told us, or, you
know, just thrown in a random oy vey,
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and we just could have done the math.
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Hang on. How do you even circumcise a
wolf wiener?
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Very carefully.
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Seriously, though, they kept killing the
moil, so I had to do it.
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It really hurts.
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But it looks nicer, and you don't smell
like smeg anymore.
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You're embarrassing me, Mom. If you're
dealing meth to save the forest and
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defeat Nazis, the pack will support you.
As a renowned actor, I have access to
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some of the most talented drug dealers
in Hollywood. They can help us
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distribute your meth to get more cash
rolling in.
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How much meth can you get me? How much
do you need?
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Where did the rest of the hydrochloric
acid go? And where did this high
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fructose corn syrup come from?
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Sorghum peanuts?
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Yeah, wow.
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Who knows where that could have come
from? Hey, Jesse Eisenberg, you like
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junior high school musical theater,
right?
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What red-blooded heterosexual American
male doesn't? Then I will save you the
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best seat on opening night for the show
I am writing, producing, and directing.
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It's Straight Outta Compton, a musical
version of the N.W.A. story, but with
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none of the annoying rap music or
offensive R-rated language.
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That sounds good.
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Enough yapping. Let's start cooking.
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Right. Let's cook!
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I'm off to a place where miserable rich
people will pay top dollar for this
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deadly crap.
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Hollywood!
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Damn, we cooked a lot of mess today.
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I am beat.
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00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:09,220
Actually, I need you two somewhere else.
Tawny's coming over to watch that sexy
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rom-com, Silence of the Lambs, and then
we plan to get really freaky deaky, and
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I do mean a deaky.
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00:10:16,940 --> 00:10:21,280
You think you can kick us out of our own
home? Well, yeah, but Pawnee did say
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that she's cool with Alistair staying if
you want to sit in the corner and watch.
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No. No!
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I refuse to be a part of this, this
beastiality.
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Wait, wait. We are beasts, so what
should we bears call interspecies sex
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with humans?
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Let's just call it disgusting.
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Jared, this is no time to get distracted
by some local news skank. We can't get
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sloppy right now.
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Oh, yeah.
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Tawny and I are planning to get very
sloppy.
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00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,500
That reminds me, I gotta put a tarp
down. How am I the only one still
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worried about all the missing
hydrochloric acid?
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I'm going to the RV to figure out our
inventory issues while you do what you
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00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:55,619
always do.
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Nothing.
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Nothing? Didn't you hear me? Wait, I'm
coming too.
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I'm about to have some very kinky, very
vigorous sex.
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Jeez.
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We found the bear's hideout.
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Kids, Jesse Eisenberg will be coming to
opening night. And, oh, my God, if he
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likes it, he could help us get the show
to Broadway.
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00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:28,820
He could come on as a producer or join
the cast.
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00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,380
Oh, he'd be great as Ice Cube.
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But I'm Ice Cube. If we go to Broadway,
you can be Tupac.
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You'd be a great Tupac. Everyone at my
dad's country club says I'm very thug
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00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,500
life. Mm-hmm. And I've been thinking
about it. We need a happy ending for the
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show. Everyone dying of AIDS is
depressing.
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So instead, Easy E is going to get
cured. And guess who cures him?
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Dr. Dre!
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You can't go in there. Mr. Wyatt is in a
meeting.
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A meeting, eh?
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Yeah, with my gun here. Look, I've got a
problem with some wildlife near your job
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site, but I think there's a solution
that'll help both of us make lots of
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money. Make lots of money is what I
affectionately call verbal Viagra.
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Here's your afternoon coffee.
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Oops. I could have sworn that it wasn't
loaded. My bad.
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Tell me more, son.
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Oh, Jesus, the wolf!
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Ooh, you're kind of cute.
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Like in a guy you'd mess around with in
a parking lot after last call at
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Applebee's kind of way. What I have to
show you is going to be hard to see. Do
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00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:08,580
you have, like, a misshapen penis
because that Applebee's guy?
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00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:09,940
Ew!
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00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:15,440
Is this some... kind of weird sex thing.
If it is, I am disgusted.
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00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:20,080
But after a couple of tequila shots, I
could probably be into it.
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00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,980
You see this, Goldtooth? This is all
that's left of your brother Wink. The
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bear named Jer killed him, ate him, and
then tried to pin his murder on the wolf
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pack.
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00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:34,740
So many questions race through my head.
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00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:53,400
Why did you come to see me? The bears
are joining forces with my stepfather,
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00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:57,640
who, after seducing my mother, I'm
pretty sure was responsible for my
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father's mysterious death.
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00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:03,080
Oh, it's all so Shakespearean. Yes.
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And as such, I have decided to kill my
stepfather to avenge my father.
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00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,420
And you must kill this chair to avenge
your brother.
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00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,960
But you must admit it would give your
news story an amazing finale that you
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00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:25,220
could then turn into a popular true
crime podcast or a shitty low-budget
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00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:26,560
Netflix documentary series.
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00:14:26,980 --> 00:14:27,980
Oh.
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00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,460
Where is he? I'll kill the bastard.
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00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,840
Something just doesn't add up. You go
ahead and start looking. I just need a
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minute to clear my head.
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00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:45,140
Why is everybody so upset, human and
animal? Sex, sex, sex. Everything is
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00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:46,140
about sex.
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00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:48,270
What? New bears in the woods?
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Oh, come on!
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00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:08,170
Happy week and a half anniversary!
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I kind of wish I was dead, but I'm sure
it'll pass.
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You seem a little jumpy. I'm just having
a hard time with something.
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Are you sure you've never met my brother
Wink? You already know the wolves ate
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00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,660
him. I mean, they were the ones with his
phone and his gold tooth.
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00:15:53,980 --> 00:15:56,240
Who said anything about a phone or a
gold tooth?
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What? Oh, oh, you know, I like how drug
dealers often have phones and gold
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teeth, at least according to the
mariachi songs about how romantic being
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a narco is.
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00:16:08,890 --> 00:16:09,890
You okay?
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00:16:10,630 --> 00:16:15,590
Yeah, yeah. I just... Have you ever had
one of those realizations that change
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00:16:15,590 --> 00:16:17,390
everything? Totally.
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00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:21,710
I used to think I hated asparagus, but
then I realized it's worth the yucky
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00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,490
taste for the surprise pea smell later.
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00:16:23,790 --> 00:16:27,070
I've got a sudden urge to do something
really crazy.
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00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,550
Do you have any rope?
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00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:42,620
Okay, so the anhydrous ammonia seems to
all be here. But where is the rest of
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the hydrochloric acid?
233
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:48,360
And we're short on hypophosphorus acid
and phenylpropanolamine, but we have
234
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,360
more circus peanuts.
235
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,480
Now what's going on?
236
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:59,440
Nice try, but this is our jurisdiction,
Smokey. Wrong. This happened in Boone
237
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,480
County. And by God, I'm a Boone County
sheriff.
238
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:03,780
What the fuck?
239
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:09,380
Call you if there's any animals that
need arresting. Humans are animals,
240
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:13,099
dumbass. You arrest animals, too. Oh,
you want to come at me with semantics?
241
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,619
That's it. I'm turning off my body
camera.
242
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,700
There's honey nut.
243
00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:26,440
Tastes like circus peanut.
244
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:33,220
I feel like you've been pointing those
guns at me without saying anything for a
245
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,220
really long time.
246
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:38,250
Oh, we were waiting. for you to say
something. Yeah, I mean, we're shy.
247
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:42,390
Oh, Jesus, what did I say?
248
00:17:42,610 --> 00:17:44,110
This wasn't our idea.
249
00:17:45,510 --> 00:17:49,650
It wasn't. Look, AWOLF Hitler ordered us
to kill you.
250
00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:52,110
You're furries?
251
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:56,770
We're Nazi furries. But we swear, we are
not the gross racist kind of Nazis.
252
00:17:57,230 --> 00:18:01,490
We don't hate Jews or black people. We
just liked wearing Hugo Boss and then
253
00:18:01,490 --> 00:18:06,290
found out he was not only a Nazi, but
also made the original Nazi uniform.
254
00:18:06,570 --> 00:18:08,610
You got to admit, that's pretty tight.
255
00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:13,990
When you join the Nazi furries, you get
a genuine Hugo Boss Nazi uniform for
256
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:16,330
free. We're not fascist Nazis.
257
00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:18,390
We're fashion Nazis.
258
00:18:18,710 --> 00:18:23,130
We love fashion. Yes. For us, wearing
Nazi uniforms is heritage.
259
00:18:23,590 --> 00:18:24,590
Not hate.
260
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:26,030
Plus, it's Coco Chanel.
261
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,820
And VW bugs are really, really cute.
262
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,560
I'm sorry.
263
00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:33,720
It's just a lot of emotions.
264
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,680
You know, guys, everybody gets down on
themselves sometimes. We're not killers.
265
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:40,300
We're lovers.
266
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:42,520
Come on. Let's bring it in.
267
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:57,970
Wait, this is wrong.
268
00:18:58,130 --> 00:18:59,049
I'm not gay.
269
00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:00,050
We're not gay either.
270
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,109
Ew.
271
00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:02,110
Oh.
272
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:11,110
Wait, wait, no. I'm not in interspecies
sex.
273
00:19:11,470 --> 00:19:12,470
Uh, either.
274
00:19:14,330 --> 00:19:17,070
And now we're all bears again.
275
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,330
Very heterosexual bears.
276
00:19:19,730 --> 00:19:21,850
Why don't you come back to our cave?
277
00:19:23,470 --> 00:19:25,450
What the hell is this?
278
00:19:25,710 --> 00:19:29,790
There's no fridge, no TV or air
purifier. How can you guys live like
279
00:19:29,790 --> 00:19:32,170
this? The bear life, you mean?
280
00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:37,030
Wait, this is what you think the bear
life is, leaving half-eaten salmon
281
00:19:37,030 --> 00:19:38,550
carcasses all over the place?
282
00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:43,990
Oh, yeah. We're 24-7 full immersion
furries, like you.
283
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:49,730
We live our personas, and then we fuck
our fur out.
284
00:19:50,030 --> 00:19:51,030
Oh.
285
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,040
Oh, you guys think I'm a...
286
00:19:56,040 --> 00:20:02,780
They think you're a furry like them,
Alistair.
287
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,540
It would be completely unethical to have
sex with them under false pretenses.
288
00:20:06,820 --> 00:20:11,520
Oh, for the love of God, would you
please just shut the fuck up? You
289
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,060
frigid, holier-than-thou party pooper
prude.
290
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,300
Jeez, let the poor guy have a little
fun.
291
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,800
Hey, don't get testy with me. You want
to take this inside?
292
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,860
Sure. I have no problem fighting for
what's right. Let's do this.
293
00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:25,260
Let's go.
294
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:26,760
Fuck you.
295
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:30,340
Ow. Ow. Stop it. That's not fair. You're
bleeding.
296
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,560
Ow.
297
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,040
Oh, fine.
298
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,480
You win. You can get off me. You hear
that? Go for it, big guy.
299
00:20:37,620 --> 00:20:40,800
Yes. I'm a furry just like you guys.
300
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:46,400
A heterosexual not in an interspecies
sex 24-7 furry. That's me.
301
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,480
Yay! Okay, I'll fetch the cock rings and
nipple clamps. All right.
302
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,380
And I'll grab the non-dairy whipped
topping.
303
00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:00,780
I have to admit, I was really
disappointed when you said you forgot to
304
00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:02,020
pick up our fast food uniforms.
305
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,400
But this is fun, too!
306
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,400
Right?
307
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:07,700
Yeah!
308
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:11,210
I've been wanting to try some of this
sicko Japanese rope torture ever since
309
00:21:11,210 --> 00:21:12,370
we hung out with Army Hammer.
310
00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:16,670
So this friggin' rules, he may have
wanted to murder and eat me, but he also
311
00:21:16,670 --> 00:21:18,490
had his good side.
312
00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:19,910
You sure you're in there tight?
313
00:21:20,410 --> 00:21:21,730
Can't get free at all?
314
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:26,490
I am completely helpless. You could do
anything you want to me, and I couldn't
315
00:21:26,490 --> 00:21:27,449
fight back.
316
00:21:27,450 --> 00:21:29,810
Great. I'll be right back with the
knife.
317
00:21:30,170 --> 00:21:34,010
Oh, hell yeah. That sounded super
threatening, but it's all just kinky
318
00:21:34,010 --> 00:21:35,850
make-believe. So this is okay, right?
319
00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:39,290
Tauntaun?
320
00:21:43,350 --> 00:21:44,350
Tawny?
321
00:21:45,570 --> 00:21:46,570
Tawny?
322
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:55,130
Okay, I'm just going to say it. I've
never been hornier. Oh, holy shit. Me
323
00:21:55,130 --> 00:21:56,230
either, actually. Wow.
324
00:21:57,310 --> 00:22:00,110
What happens when I do this?
325
00:22:01,890 --> 00:22:02,890
Whoops.
326
00:22:03,710 --> 00:22:05,870
I just nutted. Oh, seriously?
327
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,480
This is a kink I didn't even know I had.
328
00:22:08,900 --> 00:22:10,400
Oh, hey, look!
329
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:11,900
I'm hard again!
330
00:22:12,380 --> 00:22:16,600
Probably because of the guns and how
wrong all of this is. Let's just do it.
331
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,160
Oh, hey,
332
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:29,900
you showed up at the perfect time. We
always take a cake break right about
333
00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:31,060
now. Tiramisu?
334
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,620
What the hell is this?
335
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,040
And why did I find it on your guide?
336
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:41,920
Oh, that's why you're here. Check the
label. That's your shit that killed half
337
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,960
my guys, lady bear.
338
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,620
Uh, it isn't, because my shit doesn't
kill the customers. That's kind of
339
00:22:48,620 --> 00:22:49,539
business 101.
340
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:53,240
Well, either way, you owe me a fucking
helicopter.
341
00:22:53,740 --> 00:22:54,740
The fuck, helicopter?
342
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:59,240
To replace the one your buddy Dwight
hustled us out of the other day in
343
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,780
exchange for this shit.
344
00:23:01,140 --> 00:23:03,700
Of course it was Dwight.
345
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,780
My brothers and I had nothing to do with
making this shitty mess.
346
00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:11,020
This is what my mess looks like. And I
don't do fucking circus flavor.
347
00:23:14,380 --> 00:23:16,720
Hey, listen, let's just all breathe,
okay?
348
00:23:17,140 --> 00:23:19,100
Take like 15 minutes to brainstorm.
349
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,920
Blue sky, no bad ideas.
350
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,320
Run stuff up the flagpole, see if anyone
salutes.
351
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:24,860
See what sticks to the wall.
352
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:30,080
You might be globs of your little bare
brains sticking to the wall by the time
353
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,080
we're through with you.
354
00:23:31,630 --> 00:23:35,470
I want the honey nut meth recipe. No
way.
355
00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:39,670
Way. Very fucking way.
356
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:44,270
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