Original subtitles

Previously on Breaking Bear.

I'm declaring war on the wolves.

We are here to talk about the bears.

They killed a human.

I know someone who can help you get rid of it. He's what they call a fixer. This

is famed Hollywood actor Armie Hammer.

Let me take that body from you.

The first rule of the forest is never kill a human. It puts us all in

danger. The council has reached a verdict.

Hey, Blair, do you have any idea what a bear looks like at the bottom of a gorge

after a very long fall?

Well, let's just say it's grizzly.

Blair!

Blair,

I'm coming for you!

Wolf, get that fucking teddy bear.

I wish I knew how to quit you but you

But we wolves can have up to ten puppies in a litter, so you chose a worthless

shield. Mommy?

Damn. Even as high as I am right now, that's harsh.

Hey!

Really?

Oh, please. I'm just bluffing. You know you're my favorite.

Now, come on. We have to catch that idiot.

Wow, okay, so a major head injury can also serve as an instant reboot. Good to

know. Wait, is that the old Hooper Manor?

Did I frighten you, little guy?

What, huh?

Yes, yes, yes. I am Hollywood star, Armie Hammer, and you can take a selfie

with me. Come on.

Let me in, motherfucker!

You must be Jer's brother, Alistair.

Wait, you know Jer?

Of course.

In fact, he's here. Follow me.

This party's filled with wealthy people, so I'm pioneering a new business

concept. Selling drugs to people with money.

Blair and the business community could learn a lot from me. Blair is dead!

her screams as she fell to the gorge.

It sounded similar to that. What's worse was the sound it made when her body hit

the ground. And you just left her sister's body down there to be picked

apart by hungry wild animals?

Speaking of hungry, you know, eating your feelings really does work.

I had a wolf pointing a gun at me. Should I have scaled the cliff, thrown

Blair on my back, and dragged her home?

That is exactly what I think you should have done.

We can't just leave her down there, discarded like some crusty old just

stained sock.

What?

Sorry to interrupt, but may I suggest you come to the dinner party? And then

one of my friends here, who owns a helicopter, can fly us into that gorge.

We will recover her body, bring her back here, and figure out a respectful way to

handle her remains.

Army Hammer, everyone has been wrong about you.

Let's go join the party, shall we?

So what is all this dinner party? I'm not at a cult initiation, am I? Not at

all. These are all nice, normal friends of mine. Wow!

Prince Andrew?

Pete Titty? Hey, that's Kevin Spacey!

Uh, bartender, a round of your special house drinks for my friends?

Now, Arnie, what's on the menu for tonight's dinner party, huh?

As our fixer, what are you fixing?

It's a surprise!

Tonight is all about surprises.

I'd like to propose a toast to my friends. May we someday find ourselves

unbanned, uncancelled, and most importantly, understood.

Mmm.

Jer, this is like a living museum of the world's worst predators. I can't hear

you over the sound of my pastebud singing.

This... Drink is yum-yum in the tum-tum. Alistair, try it. You're missing out.

I'm going to have to find out the bartender's secret. I'm only down one,

and I'm already feeling fine.

Hey, bartender, what do you call these special drinks you made for my friends?

You are all no doubt aware of the popular white trash cocktail Sex on the

Beach and the Zombie. I give you Sex with a Zombie.

Oh, Bill, you have such a rapier wit.

Wait, Bill Cosby?

I'm afraid I ran out of maraschino cherries, so I'll garnish it with some

rojimo.

Let me go.

Let me go!

You have been chosen!

Your purpose in this universe has been left unfulfilled, Blair. That is why I

am here to grant you a second life.

Second life?

The first one was awful enough.

Who are you?

I have many names.

Sasquatch, Yeti, Bigfoot. I prefer being called Howard, though.

This is Corny, my unicorn.

I'm tasked with rejoining your soul to your body. Your family needs you.

My family?

Huh. So I return to life so I can spend the rest of it worrying and taking care

of them like before?

Kill me now.

Oh. Oh, wait. I am dead.

Dead and loving it.

If you follow that beam of light, all of Daniel Boone's state forest will be

destroyed. Because you, and you alone, have been chosen to save it. I'm trying

to stop being so codependent and helping everybody.

And now you're saying I have to save the whole fucking forest?

I know you read bear codependent no more, but the forest needs you to be

codependent just a little bit more.

Ugh, fine.

Don't make me regret this.

Ah!

Regret! Regret, regret!

I can feel everything!

Ooh! My bad.

I always forget to warn about that.

Oh, the goddamn pig!

I changed my mind. Kill me now.

I can help with the pain.

If you'll open your mouth, please. Okay.

What the hell?

Unicorn urine is the most healing medicine in the world.

Do you think they make them?

Behold, the Wisdom Stone.

Fun fact, it's actually a magical giant kidney stone, but we don't tell anyone

that. This stone contains the wisdom of every being who has ever existed on

Earth. That stone's pretty small.

This explains a lot.

If you are wearing this pendant, the stone will allow access to its wisdom if

you take hold of it and proclaim the name of a wise master whom you wish to

summon. To help you in your quest.

I choose the person? Anyone from history.

Socrates, King Solomon, Buddha, Oprah.

Wait, what?

Just kidding, girl. I just threw that in there to see if you were listening.

Simply say the words.

Sage, engage.

I seek the wisdom of all age.

Wisdom stone, bring me the wise one called... And then the name of the

master you want. Okay, got it.

Sage, engage.

I seek the wisdom of all age.

Wisdom stone, bring me the wise one called... Pablo Escobar!

Ruthie will keep him out for hours. Or my name ain't Dr. Huxable.

All right, Jer, where should we start, huh? Some brisket for appetizers, or do

we go directly for the prime rib?

Babs! R. Kelly is here, but he can't stay long.

He's headed to prison.

Hey, at least he's already comfortable going to the bathroom in front of

others.

Martha Stewart told me that is the hardest part.

Let's go bid him adieu. I'll be back. Just hang on.

Hang on.

I'm so funny.

Jer, wake up.

We're going to die.

I should have done a swan dive off the cliff and joined Blair.

Oh, you're up.

Cosby's doses usually keep you out for hours.

What? Who are you? I'm Army's prisoner, just like you. So weird. The cos doesn't

usually fuck up with his roofie dosing.

How are you awake?

Maybe it's something to do with hibernation, or it could be the shitload

of meth I did earlier. I do meth, by the way. You wouldn't happen to have any,

would you? No.

Figures. What are they going to do to us? You're going to die tonight. Then be

eaten by a bunch of shitty people as they whine and dine. And the whine in

whine and dine is spelled W-H-I-N-E, since they won't stop complaining about

being held responsible for their actions.

I don't want to get deep fried and served with dipping sauces.

Can you reach that pile of bones?

Hey, Tawny. How's it going?

Hey, I have some good news and some bad news. Bad news?

You're gonna die.

But the good news?

You won't be dying at the hands of just anyone.

You will be savagely killed by a true titan of the entertainment world.

Woo!

Tawny, meet comedian Pete Davidson.

What? You didn't think he gets all that top-shelf pussy just because he loves

his mom, did you?

I would just like to go on record and say that I am not into underage girls or

dead people or forcing myself on anyone.

I'm just here because I have a freakishly big dick, and it turns out

the people into all that sick stuff are refreshingly nonjudgmental. So, uh...

Of all the wise masters, you chose Pablo Escobar.

I guess you should tell him what wisdom you seek from him.

Wise Master Pablo, share with me the wisdom of how I can become the biggest

drug lord of all time.

Would you like to hear my wisdom in song?

No. Are you sure? I've been working with Adele's voice teacher.

Fine.

Blair, it's all about love.

Whether you're a painter or a chef or the most infamous drug dealer on the

planet, love has to fuel what you do. Understand?

Yes, Pablo.

And one more thing. You must form an alliance with the wolf queen to save the

forest. Oh, hell no. She just tried to kill me. Listen to me. You need the

wolves. Fuck, no, I'm not... You no little bitch questions, Pablo Escobar. I

say it's about love until you love the fucking wolves, motherfucker.

Understand? Promise, Pablo?

I promise you.

Oh, and one last thing. If you have a dream, don't wait to make it come true.

I was going to reinvent myself by recording a country album, and then

Beyoncé fucking beat me to it.

Adios, mi amor.

Oh, nice puppetry skill.

I hung up like that. Did I fall asleep during some kinky sex with Tawny?

She's going to be so mad I fell asleep again while Boykin is. Stop talking.

You're too heavy. How did you gain weight during hibernation?

I'll try that lever.

There's only one way out of here. We have to find a way to blend in.

I have an idea.

The entrance is near. We're almost out of here.

What about Tawny?

If I leave her here and she ends up dying, I'm almost sure she'll never

forgive me.

Hello, ladies.

May I interest you in some frozen pudding on a stick?

The brand name of which I cannot mention due to the legal reasons.

No, thank you.

You ladies look like my nieces. And coming from a family that has practiced

inbreeding for centuries, that is the highest compliment a Windsor can offer.

Thank you. As you can see, we are clearly...

Female women.

I'm definitely not a man. No.

I'll be right back. Just need to freshen up my... What do you Brits call it?

Face. The juju.

Pretty lady.

I also have a vagina and dystopian tubes.

I'll take that.

Champagne, you handsome devil? Okay, sure.

Come on, girlfriend.

Pete. Stop them!

Joy, Joy! It's me! It's me! It's me! Oh, dear, dear!

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete has brought back our dinner.

That's Pete Davidson. I can't believe I didn't recognize him.

Come on. If we're going to be murdered by a celebrity, then we should be

honored that it's a star as huge as Pete's penis.

Even when it's flaccid.

Flaccid? That's the answer.

Said no woman ever. No. Don't you see?

We need to give him a boner. If it gets hard, he'll drop us.

Everyone start stroking.

It's time to turn this mother...

Fuck her on.

It's not working.

Let's try licking it. What? I'm straight, but this is an emergency.

This is like that time Kim invited her sisters to join in.

Imagine something horrible!

The ultimate boner killer!

You know, women with standards.

Comedians actually having to be funny and not just famous to get a Netflix

special. Ouch.

That last one hit a little too close to the bone.

Literally.

Oh, no! He's going limp! Which means this big dick's big dick will be able to

grab us and hold us prisoner again!

I'm the director of this skin flick, and I...

You've done very well, Pete Davidson.

Oriana Grande would be proud.

Roses are red. Before I'm gone, please transfer my soul into my schlong!

That's not good.

It means someone you love is in serious trouble.

My brothers?

Again? Corny and I can help.

Hold on to me!

This army has traded in his hammer for a chainsaw.

Wait

for

me!

Wait for me!

Hey, where'd that gimp guy go?

Do you know where they could be? All the shit happens in Daniel Boone Forest.

Let's go, Corny.

You heard him. Let's go, bitch.

You're welcome.

Hello.

I'm not going that way.

Hello.

Damn it.

Target locked. You see, you still have some of my cocktail in your system. But

not my cock in your tail.

Should make this a little easier.

Hold on. The spoon...

wanted things to go back to the way they were. Do you know what it's like to lose

everything you've worked for your entire life because of prejudice against

cannibalism? What is wrong with trying other cuisines? Why can gay people eat

ass, but I eat ass literally, braised with a Bernays sauce, and everyone hates

me. And speaking of Bernays, my dinner tonight will be bare Bernays.

Is your mask made from your victim's foreskin?

Let's take it off.

with my family.

My work here is done. I must go.

Thank you, Howard.

You can call me Howie.

Wow, Howard.

Who taught you how to kiss?

Howard? Wait, did that even really happen?

Blair! How are you not dead?

I did die. But then Howie the Sasquatch, I can call him that, we're friends now,

showed up on his unicorn, Corny, and I drank some unicorn pee, which totally

healed me. Then there was this magic kidney stone, and I got to hang out with

Pablo Escobar. But then Howie and I flew around the forest on Corny, killing all

those asswipes with his horn before they could have their way with you.

You're welcome.

Wow!

I'm just so glad the fall didn't kill you. Although it clearly killed quite a

few brain cells.

So I'm curious, what does unicorn pee taste like?

Didn't I kill you already?

Apparently. I'm too fucking badass to die.

Oh, fudge, I broke a nail.

Wolves? What do we call bear to step into our territory after being warned

never to do that again?

Rule breakers?

No. Ill-mannered trespassers?

Uh, no.

We call them dinner.

Kill the fucking bears!

Thank you.