Original subtitles

Previously on Breaking Bear.

There's only one solution for this, my son.

We declare war on Squirrel Valley until the bears.

I option the rights for us to do the Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Junior High School production of Straight Out of Compton. This is where

my twin brother's phone signal led me.

That's not your brother. Oh, my God.

Chair,

can I ask you a favor?

Anything. I need you to help me find my brother.

Oh, hey, what are you doing?

Are those pistachios?

New recipe.

I'm adding fresh cardamom, ginger, and chai. Smell it.

Mmm. I did a little research, and it turns out the East Indian community has

never had a meth flavor created just for them.

Until now. Say hello to Mumbai Magic Meth.

Now we just rent a billboard with one of my catchy new slogans on it. If you like

curry, get this meth in a hurry.

We're not renting a billboard. I feel so sick. Never do drugs, Blair. Promise me.

I'm so innocent, so naive.

As a person who's been clean for 18 hours, the stress is affecting my

sobriety. Look what's become of me. I've learned an important lesson about drugs.

And what is that?

I fucking love them!

I love drugs!

We have frackers, rangers, wolves, and mountain furries threatening us. We need

guns. Lots of guns!

If we don't get cats, we about to get God.

Okay, no idea what you just said, but where would we even get guns?

It's not like we can just stroll into a gun store. Oh, yes, we can, you America

-hating, libtard, shit-tard. It's called the Second Amendment.

Um, that's the right to bear arms, not the right to arm bears.

Dad Jones from Sister Bear!

Yes! I love it!

Oh, wow.

This is an amazing batch.

Come on. I think I know someone who might be able to help us.

There, there.

Put your motherfucking hands up. This is private property and trespassers will be

shot.

Don't shoot. I'm here to see Gnarly Charlie.

Who the fuck wants to see me?

Mr. Salter? Put that gun down.

Do you know who the fuck this is?

We wouldn't even have a club without this man.

Put your hands down and come on in.

In eighth grade, Mr. Salter saved my life when he cast me in the musical

Wicked. Sure, that green makeup stained everything, but I learned to embrace my

inherent evil.

Now I'm the leader of my very own criminal gang.

And I guess you could say I'm defying gravity.

Musical theater really does change people's lives.

S.O.A.? Are you Sons of Anarchy?

Come on, that's a TV show.

Okay, I'll give you a hint. The Hell's Angels are our enemies.

Who is the enemy of an angel?

The devil. And what does the devil wear?

Prada. And who is the most diabolically talented actress alive who starred in

that? Meryl Streep. Fuck no.

We are the sons of Anne Hathaway.

That's just stupid.

I don't like her.

Why'd you bring them here? They want to trade guns for meth.

Say, you're not by any chance the bear furry selling honey nut meth, are you?

Well, uh, yes.

Yes, we are.

Great furry costumes.

They're realistic, aren't they? Very. Are they the new high-tech animatronics

they use at Disneyland?

Ouch! Be gentle.

Now let's talk business. We're adding some exciting new flavors.

Earl Grey Tea Meth, Meyer Lemon Meringue Meth, Rosewater Vanilla Meth, and, of

course, for the fall season...

A pumpkin spice mess.

Y'all have any savory flavors?

I don't have much of a sweet tooth. Maybe something with sriracha? Trust me,

the hipsters will be all over that shit.

Zip it. This ain't Shark Tank, stupid.

Okay, we'll buy your mess.

And now that I think of it, I need guns, too, since I'm directing a junior high

school musical version of the N.W.A. story.

Straight out of Compton? No, straight out of Compton.

I believe if Eazy-E were alive, he would appreciate me fixing this sloppy

grammar. He was all about setting a good example for the young folks.

Authenticity is important for actors, so I can't use cheap, fake weapons.

Do you have any machine guns?

Of course we do.

I can get you anything you fucking want.

Rocket launcher, old-school quaaludes, the director's cut of Paris Hilton's sex

tape. But what's in it?

for us tickets to opening night one uzi for a row of 10 seats throw in some milk

jugs deal i'm

declaring war on the wolves

just release a small amount of urine into my pants.

Great scheme for repelling the wolves.

A bear who pees on himself will do much worse to his enemy. The powerful smell

of your urine will help scare the wolves into retreat.

Yeah, um, that's totally why I did it. Wait, I have an idea. What if there was

another way to fight the wolves?

Are you learning from moi and trying to use stragedy? Uh, no.

Yes.

Did you bring it?

So can you give us any updates on the search for Wink Chessman? As you know,

we had a connection. Almost.

Like siblings.

Wasn't he your twin?

Not just my twin, but also my brother.

Now, what leads do you have?

Oh, don't you worry. We expect to find your meth-head scum brother. And claim

the reward!

Ha! You do know that as officers of the law, you can't claim the reward.

Uh, this is a capitalist society.

What would my incentive be to solve this case if I can't get the reward?

You get a salary from the state.

Exactly. I'm on salary, so why the fuck would I try to do my job?

Whoa!

Wink's phone just turned back on. He is alive.

I can track it on here.

Let's go.

We're about to go on break.

I brought mini marshmallows for our hot chocolate. Okay, yum.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

You know what? It's shocking how people have no respect for law enforcement

anymore. The fuck is that?

I just love mini marshmallows.

Guy, want to give me a hand? I think it's under the tree trunk.

No respect.

It should be there.

Ew,

there's blood on it.

Blood. Yuck.

You're dead.

My brother's dead.

Fuck, I need a close-up of me saying that.

Can you shoot it?

to find the person who did this. Person?

Little lady, do you know where we are?

No. Where?

Wolf Hollow.

Your brother got eaten by wolves.

Oh, shit. That's amazing.

Brutal and tragic.

Fuck those little shit.

Once again, I want to thank you for being part of junior high school musical

theater history. I want to announce the casting of the three leads to play N.W

.A., or as we call them in the show, so we don't offend anyone, Nifty Fellows

with Attitude.

Bobby Daughtry will be playing Ice Cube.

Toby Huang will be playing Easy E.

And Henry Reynolds will be playing Dr.

Dr. E. Who is Dr.

Dr. E?

The DJ in N.W.A. is named Dr.

Dr. E. He is Easy E's brother.

Mr. Salter, do you mean Dr. Dre?

Uh, let me check my script.

You are correct, Francis Oliver.

No wonder I made you my trusted stage manager.

And they're not brothers, just best friends.

Best friends?

Or best friends?

I see what you're hinting at. I'll change my script and make Dr. Dre EZE's

secret gay lover who gave him AIDS.

If Dr.

Dre has AIDS also, it's more like rent.

And more AIDS equals more Tony Awards.

And I'll add a song during the climactic police chase where we use a helicopter.

So you want us to build a helicopter?

I can put in an order for the cardboard.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not making and selling illegal drugs so we can feature a cardboard

helicopter. This is a top-notch production. I will get us an actual

helicopter.

I'm calling this meeting of the Council of Animals to order. We are here to talk

about the bear.

They have broken the sacred law of the forest.

Amplified music after 9 p.m.? Worse than that.

Putting parmesan cheese on a seafood pasta? Even worse than that, I'm afraid.

Do you see? They killed a human!

Who?

Oh, no, sorry.

That wasn't a question. It's just the noise we owls make. Please, go on.

Not only did they kill a human, but they are trying to frame the wolves for the

crime. After years of peace, the bears have brought the threat of hunters and

therefore the threat of extinction right back to our front door.

This will give the frackers an excuse to take more of our land. And that's why we

need to remind humans that we wolves are the original man's best friend and

deserve to be domesticated.

Who cut your fur off? I didn't get it cut. I got it styled.

Did you get a poodle cut?

No. Well, it is when a poodle has it, but it's not for poodles only. If I was

a poodle, I'd say that's cultural appropriation.

Not again.

As a beaver, don't even get me started on cultural appropriation.

I would like, however, to step in here and point out that we never did a land

acknowledgement. We are in the ancestral and unceded territory of the woolly

mammoths and the mastodons.

Fuck me.

Do you understand that they are extinct, and if we don't act now, we will lose

the forest and go extinct, too?

Your tone is triggering me right now. This doesn't feel like a safe space.

Doesn't it?

Now, does anyone else want to complain that this is not a fucking safe space?

What the hell? What is she doing here?

Tauntaun, you got here before me.

Jer, the fuck?

That is my girlfriend, and we haven't talked about the fact that she's my

girlfriend yet, so don't bring it up.

Girlfriend?

Hot.

Look. I can't unsee that.

Honey jar.

There is not enough honey in the world to help me unsee this.

Honey jar.

Here.

I'll try to find the hard liquor. Or I'm just going to claw my own eyes out.

Wait. I got a twist in my story.

My brother was eaten by wolves.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Wolves are terrible, aren't they?

Oh, this is going to be ratings gold.

I'm here to celebrate with my boyfriend.

And I couldn't help notice that there is a new dead body in your fridge.

Jer, you weren't going to share?

Well, he had a lot of charring that didn't taste so good.

And since Jer wasn't going to eat it, we just put him in there, you know, until

we could bury him. No, too risky. Some hungry animal could just dig up the

body. But... I know someone who can help you get rid of it.

He's what they call a fixer who can solve just about any problem. And he

recently moved into the old Hooper mansion on the edge of the forest.

A fixer?

I like the sound of that.

I'd help you myself, but I just ate.

I'm sorry, what?

Another one?

Are you sure?

Another one.

Mr. Salter, where are we?

Drinks for my friends.

Oh, I don't drink beer. I'm just a kid.

Relax, it's a fucking light beer.

Now, Mr.

Salter, what can I do for you?

I need a helicopter.

Okay.

I got connections, but that would be a big trade.

I'd need one and a half kilos for that.

Where are your furry partners?

I want the fancy flavored shit.

I've got the recipe, and I'm doing this cook with my trusted stage manager,

Francis Oliver.

Huh? Francis Oliver. Is this your first cook?

No. I've made ramen noodles.

Good answer.

If the DEA nabs it, stick with the... I don't know what the fuck you're talking

about, defense.

What's the DEA?

Mr.

Salter, what were you and the scary biker man talking about? You have

probably been asking yourself why I understand the black experience so well.

I actually haven't. I understand it because...

I am also a drug dealer.

What are you saying, Mr. Solter?

I understand that historical injustices caused all of you people to be drug

dealers, and I do not judge that. If Kamala Harris had won, everything would

be so different.

Are you implying all black people are drug dealers?

Of course not.

According to the 90s rap music I've been listening to for research, some are also

pimps.

So do we just...

Leave the body out front?

Or... We go in and say hi first.

Isn't it cozy?

Is that Tawny Chessman?

Yes, it is.

Get the fuck out of here.

Okay, I am getting out.

Hello. Welcome to my home. Holy shit, from the movie The Social Network, it's

a Winklevoss twin.

Where's the other one? I played them both, actually.

Wait, what? Are you serious?

Mind blown!

Chair, this is famed Hollywood actor Armie Hammer.

He's the fixer I was telling you about.

Let me take that body from you.

Yum.

Mr. Salter, I really don't want to be a drug dealer. Look, I need this play to

go to Broadway. Do you want to be stuck in junior high school theater the rest

of my life?

Our life?

I actually start ninth grade next year, so I won't be in junior high school

anymore. Not if I make sure you don't graduate.

Now, where is the honey?

You said that was too expensive and got high-fructose corn syrup instead.

Oh, yeah.

Now, where are the almonds?

You said they were too expensive, too. Did you get peanuts?

No. People are allergic.

Dude, we're making meth.

So what did you get me?

Circus peanuts?

Literally the worst candy ever created.

Oh, what the hell? I can keep more money for the show if I cut costs.

Claire thinks she's a master chef.

But I'll be creative, and she'll never know.

First idea, I'm adding twice as much hydrochloric acid to see if it makes it

stronger. The stupid bikers won't be able to tell the difference.

Oh, shit!

This is going to go great!

Fucking hell!

As actors, you have to study the text, but also understand the subtext.

Toby, you're playing Eazy-E. The chorus to the song Boys in the Hood is... The

boys in the hood are always hard.

Mm-hmm. So, what do they say? Oh, I know. It means they're tough.

That's the text.

But what's the subtext, and what would sell your performance?

Everyone in NWA has to have an erection while singing this. I got Viagra for you

all to take before you go on stage.

You should have erections for the whole show.

As the person playing Ice Cube, I feel left out by not being able to die of

AIDS. When we finally make it to Broadway, it could greatly diminish my

chances of winning a Tony.

Can Ice Cube have AIDS, too?

Uh, why not?

Who else wants to die of AIDS? Show of hands.

Oh, my gosh!

happening here?

We Ebonic speakers call it a ghetto bird.

I got us a real helicopter for the show.

He got us a real helicopter?

We call it a ghetto bird.

Thanks, Gnarly Charlie.

Everyone needs to support the arts in the schools.

Does it work?

Does it work? Jimmy, fire up the blades.

You got the goods?

Francis Oliver?

No fancy box?

That's an ultra-strong garbage bag. It's the highest quality garbage bag made.

What happened to the pretty packaging?

This is just aluminum foil.

Yeah, uh, the customer unwraps it and then uses the foil to smoke it. It's a

bonus. Trust me, no one else is doing this.

Are you sure this is the same shit? Of course it is.

Francis Oliver, kids, I have a message.

Stay away from drugs. Stay away from drugs. Unless you're doing them, which

is okay, because if you're caught, you'll be tried as minors and served no

real time, so it's definitely worth the risk.

Man, I love inspiring young people.

Why did I let Cher go with that woman? What does she know?

Jer ate her brother, and now he's his girlfriend?

Interspecies sex between a bear and a human.

Disgusting, right?

Disgusting. I can't even imagine interspecies sex, gay sex, gay

interspecies sex, ceiling fan rotating sex featuring spicy hot mustard and

humiliating dirty talk. I can't imagine any of it. It's not hot at all.

Something's not right. What if she knows about Jer eating her brother and is

leading him into a trap? We're going after them.

Grab a gun. A gun? That seems a little dangerous, no?

You told us to get them.

Listen, I was in one of my more excitable states when I said that. I

really think we should just breathe and... Grab a gun, Gandhi.

Okay.

Hello, Blair.

Hello, Queen.

You remember the first rule of the forest.

Don't you?

To be honest, it's been a little while since I read the rules.

Is it no chewing gum? That's Singapore and you know it. The first rule of the

forest is never kill a human. It puts us all in danger. The council has

reached a verdict.

You bears must leave the forest.

Or we will go to the Rangers and have you euthanized for killing Wink

Chessman. The Rangers already think the wolves killed Wink, and you have no way

to prove otherwise.

Don't I?

Well, that's something you'll never see on Law & Order SVU.

It has Wink Chessman's gold tooth in it.

The plot, like this stale bear poop, thickens.

You all stay back and no one get hurt.

What the fuck?

Help me, Blair. Help me. Shoot it down.

Let go of my brother.

Have any idea what a bear looks like at the bottom of a gorge after a very long

fall?

Well, let's just say it's grizzly.