Original subtitles

Previously on Breaking Bear.

Word is that members of a beloved local Aryan group were reduced to ashes in the

fire. We need everyone to know you don't fuck with the bears.

Now pay the fucking money you owe.

Guys, listen. You can't keep living in my RV.

Oh, this place is thick, y'all.

That is where I hid the meth. Those damn wolves took it.

My meth.

I can quit anytime I want.

But who wants to be a quitter?

She can't tell me what to do. I don't care if I ever see her again. I should

be the head of the family instead of being bossed around. I'm going to start

selling my meth myself and become the capo dei capi. Though I'm not sure what

that means since I don't speak Italian.

I should look it up in a dictionary.

I can see my future now.

Blair. Yes, boss? Draw me a hot bath and make sure the water is exactly 107.2

degrees.

Do you want bubbles, sir? Do I want bubbles, bitch?

What do you think?

And my rubber ducky better be in there, too.

Hey, boss, do you want me to put lavender essential oils in the bath and

to play your relaxing spa music?

Do I look like I need relaxing spa music? Do you think I need relaxing?

I mean, no, I don't know.

I don't want no relaxing spa music, you asshole. I want my fucking senpan flute

mix. Fuck!

Do I look like I need to relax and get the fuck out of here?

Hey, Daddy.

Want to do a shitload of drugs and then screw me on this expensive desk?

Sure. If I'm about to take a bath, I guess it makes sense to get dirty first.

There.

What the heck?

Hey, looking good, dude.

Keep styling and smiling, you handsome devil.

Um, hi.

Did I die and go to heaven?

Holy shit.

Whoa.

Daddy looks hungry.

I'm not hungry. Hey.

Are you not hungry because you've been smoking meth?

Meth? No, no, no, no way.

Oh, that's too bad because I really love meth.

It's meth. It is meth.

My name's Amanda.

Amanda Panda.

I'm Alistair, as in shake and not stir.

Why don't we continue this in my room where we can party and play in private?

Oh, I love to party, but I'm not very good at playing. Although I did beat the

pants off Jaron Blair in a game of strip poker once, but they're my brother and

sister, so it was just actually kind of weird.

No, no, no, no.

Party and play means smoke meth and fuck, silly.

Oh, okay.

So what are you waiting for, big boy?

Whip it out.

Not exactly what I meant, but a meth pipe is my second favorite thing to

suck, so... Oh,

my God.

This is the best meth I've ever had.

This must be like the very first... someone put Nutella on anything.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. Baby, I don't just do meth. I also sell it.

Yeah, I'm part of a West Coast meth ring.

Listen, with your amazing shit, I mean, we could be king and queen of that ring.

Maybe even go global.

Yes, and after we go global, maybe we could.

Listen, the first step will be introducing you to my boss, so he can

sample your product.

This almost sounds too good to be true.

Okay, enough business.

Time for some pleasure.

I'm going to slip into something less comfortable.

Okay.

What the fuck? Are you my boss?

We are.

Wrong. You're a grizzly and she's a panda.

Interspecies sex goes against everything you stand for.

Shut the fuck up, would you?

She's a panda bear.

Keyword, bear.

Well, according to Wikipedia, pandas actually have more in common with

raccoons than bears. Is that so?

All I know is that Wikipedia is telling me to cease this opportunity and finally

be a jizzly grizzly.

Jizzly. Okay. Maybe it was just you rhyming jizzly with grizzly, but fuck

it. Let's do it with one ground rule.

She has to be honest and tell her it's his first time. Deal.

Be careful.

Have fun.

I will.

I'm ready.

How do you like that?

Oh, wow.

You look so sexy. But, um, okay, before we do this, I really think you should

know that I'm, uh... A foot freak?

Mm-mm-mm. Into scat?

No, no. I'm a virgin.

Honey,

I fuck virgins all the time.

In fact, the last one said I was the best he's ever had.

What? Huh?

You know what? Let's stop yapping.

After all, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh!

Oh! Hmm?

Dear, wake up.

What's going on? Alistair's gone.

What happened to you no longer being codependent and trying to save

everybody? Let him be. But what if the wolves kidnapped him?

If they were going to kidnap anyone, wouldn't it be moi?

The powerfully handsome and indisputable leader of this crime family.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of a very erotic dream involving

Lizzo Adorned and Dental Floss.

Word to the wise, if you can't find a hole, grab a roll.

Ah, Alistair's a big boy.

As head of this crime family, I'm commanding you to focus more on girl

stuff. Okay?

Aha! Alistair's paw prints.

He must have walked this way.

This is where my twin brother's phone signal led me.

What the heck is this place?

Nice cliffhanger, huh?

I'm in a weird bunker. There are pictures of celebrities everywhere.

Snoring? This just in.

Someone seems to be asleep here.

Update. It's a bear. Could this be the bear from the governor's house?

Let's check you for cattle, sir.

Nothing shocks a seasoned professional journalist.

Wow. That bear's a big bear.

Wow.

Did you know that the most popular hiding place for weapons, drugs, and

other contraband is actually the refrigerator?

Missionary! Doggy style!

Reverse cowgirl!

Reverse cowboy!

Reverse girl cow!

Reverse...

Did it choke you? Oh, okay, if that's what you want, sweetheart.

Harder!

Harder! Hey, now that we've traded the meth for the dynamite, where should we

hide it?

Harder! Um, are you sure? I just want to make sure you're happy, baby cakes.

I said harder, you fucking candy-ass wimpy bear!

My favorite reporter?

I am.

That's not your brother.

Here, let me show you. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. I know.

Nazi tattoos are pretty ugly. But wait until you see his Hitler back tattoo.

Oh, you're right. That's not my brother. Or I never noticed a giant swastika

tattoo on his forehead.

That would make you a pretty bad sister and reporter.

Anyway, I meant that. That is disgusting.

What is that? I'm a pretty good reporter, and my journalistic instincts?

Tell me that that bite mark looks suspiciously about the same size and

shape as your lying mouth.

I'm not lying. I only took one or two bites. I was actually saving the rest of

him to make soup. He was going to be my soup Nazi.

You bears are killing and eating people.

I'm in disbelief. I'm outraged. I'm... Hungry? I can see it in your eyes.

For your information, human flesh is really good. Plus, it's carb-free. And

in this guy's case, very low fat.

You know, I was just watching this fascinating documentary about a tribe of

cannibals in Borneo who claim that human flesh is the most delicious thing you

can eat. And I remember thinking, better than the breadsticks at Olive Garden?

Come on!

So in the name of science, and not... Because it's a twisted obsession that

has haunted every waking moment of every single day of my entire life.

Give me a bite.

All right, where should we start?

Do you like rump steak?

Oh.

Yes.

This is the best meat I've ever had.

This makes all other meat taste like garbage.

This must be like the very first time someone dipped a buffalo wing into ranch

dressing. No, seriously, do you have any ranch dressing?

Would you like to try something a little more Japanese next?

What is it, a hand-to-hand rule?

And the pièce de résistance.

Are you okay?

What's wrong?

What the fuck?

Wait, what is going on? You're not dead? You aren't a panda? And you aren't a

girl? No, no. And to be fair, I did tip you off with my name.

What? Amanda.

I'm a man.

Duh.

No, no, no, no. I'm heterosexual. I'm very heterosexual. And not an

interspecies sex. Did I mention I'm very, very heterosexual? Come on.

Everything gets wild at a furry convention.

This isn't your first furry convention, is it? Furry convention?

Everyone here's a furry?

Obviously. Did you think you and me were the only furries here and the rest were

real animals?

Of course not.

Are there any other secrets you're hiding?

Yeah, you're not a Nazi also, right? Of course I am.

You're a Nazi furry.

We call ourselves Fursies.

I know, it's not that clever, but it's better than Nuri's.

Hey, I was telling the truth about one thing.

I really am a meth dealer.

So let's get dressed, and let's go give my boss a sample of your amazing shit.

How did you get mixed up in all this?

It all started when this group of Aryans got kicked out of Boone City by a gang

who lived full-time as furries.

Full-time furries? Yeah, we realized we could commit all sorts of crimes and

never be recognized if we did that. So now everyone in the Aryan Brotherhood is

a full-time furry.

We're here to recruit other furries to be furthies. Who is it?

Commander Amanda Panda.

Hey, everyone. I'd like you to meet my new friend, Alistair.

Uh, hello?

I'm Eva Prawn. Hello, I'm Benito Mouse Olini.

Don't tell me.

You're a Hitler hamster. A hamler. No, no, wait.

Hitster. Fuck you. I'm not a hamster. I'm clearly a gerbil. Get your fucking

eyes checked. Joseph Gerbils. Oh, sorry.

Putin, hi-hi.

Heil Hitler.

Heil myself.

I'm a wolf Hitler.

The name Eva Prawn, genius.

The others are decent puns, but I'm sorry, eh, Wolf?

I know.

It's tougher than you think to find a clever pun.

Wait a minute.

He looks awfully familiar.

Yeah, I feel like we've seen him before.

This is one of the bear furries who killed our alien brother.

Don't cough!

You let one of the Honey Nut Furries into our inner sanctum? I'm going to

have to make an example of you.

A phytosane, Commander Amanda Panda.

Wait! I didn't know!

Amanda! Oh, my God.

How weird is that?

Did you know that these new high-tech animatronic furry heads are bulletproof?

Oh, shit. I probably should have just played... Oh, man!

Now, then.

The word on the street is that your magical honey nut meth is a real game

changer. I want that recipe.

I... I won't give it up.

Tie him up. We'll torture you until you talk.

No, no, wait.

Hold on, guys. I'm sure we can work something out.

Oh, damn it. It's time for the annual cruel and cuddly, fierce and fabulous

costume contest.

And I'm a judge.

What about torturing him?

Just bring him with us. We'll torture him later.

And don't forget, we're marching through town after the contest with tiki

torches. That will be so much fun.

Hey!

Lo siento, lo siento.

What the fuck? Watch where you're going.

Lo siento.

Alistair?

Alistair?

Alistair. Alistair.

Hi, everyone.

I want to welcome you all to our cruel and cuddly fierce and fabulous costume

contest. Some of our costumes are cute. Some of them are nasty.

Some are Nazi. And some are all three.

Please give a round of applause to our contestants.

Let's start with the march of Benito Marsolini

Joseph Gerbil!

Joining the gang, we have the lovely Miss Ava Porn, carrying her Italian

-designed all-leather suitcase.

She's ready to take over the world!

Alistair?

Stay quiet, little vermin, or I'll put you on the next train!

Alistair!

Oh, but I vowed I would stop trying to codependently save everybody!

God damn it!

Okay, this is the last time. I need a plan.

Stay quiet!

It's getting distracting.

Just roll it in the back.

Shut the fuck up!

And the winner of the contest is...

I know it's going to surprise you, but I'll give you a hint. I don't like

Asians, but I do love crust Asians.

It's Miss Ava Pond!

your big sister.

That's my job, right?

Oh, fuck, that sounds codependent. God damn it.

Let's get out of here. Stop those bastards!

There they are!

Let's stay here.

And watch the fireworks.

What fireworks?

Shh.

Wait. Getting too fucking dark. I can't see shit, man.

Light the torches.

The bears will not replace us. The bears will not replace us. The bears will not

replace us. The bears will not replace us. Pretty lame fireworks.

All right, let's spread out. They'll be easier to find.

Is that a hiss? You hear a hissing sound. What is that?

I recognize that sound.

It's like something from a Roadrunner cartoon.

That was amazing.

Would you say it was dynamite?

I think we lost them.

Think again, bitch.

Golden Walther PP765 with the initials A.H.

And unless it once belonged to Albert Hitchcock, I am guessing those initials

stand for Adolf Hitler.

I'm quite impressed that you recognized it, especially since you're just a girl.

But in the name of gender equality, I will now treat you like a man and kill

you with it.

Forgive me for not freaking out, but everyone knows Hitler's infamous golden

gun sold at auction for over $200,000.

That is clearly a cheap plastic replica. You shut up. I paid five grand for this

on eBay. Let's find out.

Ah, you stupid bitch! You melted it!

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but, you know, maybe calling someone who's

holding a creme brulee torch a bitch while you're wearing a polyester gerbil

mask isn't the best...

Fuck you, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

No one insults the greatest sister I've ever had.

I'm the only sister you've ever had.

But thank you.

Hey, Nazi, calling me a bitch, that was a mistake.

Want to know why?

No, no, no, I didn't call you a bitch. I meant bitch like, wow, that's a sexy

bitch, right? Because I have a short fuse.

And an explosive temper.

I don't want to ruin this moment by getting too serious, but I really feel

like we have a special connection.

No, babe, you're right. I feel it, too. But don't you feel a little funny about

the fact that I'm a bear?

Oh, I feel a little funny.

I feel a little funny, Tingle.

Because it's...

All so wrong.

How can something so wrong feel so right?

Exactly. Jer, can I ask you a favor?

Tauntaun, I already told you that the human body only has two kidneys. I wish

I could feed you another one. No, no, not that silly.

What is it, babe?

Would you promise to help me with something?

I'd do anything for you.

Anything. I need you to help me find my brother.