Original subtitles

Previously on Breaking Bear.

Our mission is to save the forest.

Now come on, let's whip us up some meth.

I have an idea.

Honey, not meth.

We are the only meth distributors in this area. We want the formula for your

honey, not meth.

Never. Well, then we keep you in this cage and we watch you starve when we

smoke all your shit.

Fuck! Now that you know me, I am Badass Bear!

Oh, fuck.

No one fucking deals meth without the permission of us bears.

We motherfucking Badass Bears now rule this fucking town!

I'm on the scene where an arsonist has struck again. Word is that members of a

beloved local Aryan group were reduced to ashes in the fire.

Makes you wonder, could your home be next?

Could it?

That was our home, you pissant. The whole world knows we got our asses

kicked. You know what that means?

We can do a GoFundMe?

Port 1K.

I got sicked by a client.

Well, we can't let that happen. We need everyone to know you don't fuck with the

bears.

I'll handle this.

Jer, no more dead humans.

You're not the boss of me.

Come on, everyone. Follow the leader.

Okay, here you go, guys. Come on.

Don't crowd each other. Watch how tough I can be.

Listen, motherfucker, you owe us $1,000.

We want that, but... Wow!

Look at all these pretty fish.

What's this one called?

Oh, yeah, that's very rare. That's a priceless dragonfish.

Can I feed one?

What the fuck?

That's your late payment penalty, asshole.

Now pay the fucking money you owe. Yeah, I don't have it.

You think you can mess with us?

No!

Delicious.

My brother loves fish.

He could do this all day.

Hold on, hold on. Fuck!

Fuck me, man!

Don't ever stiff us again, or... No!

Jared, that's a piranha!

You stupid fucking bear! Leave Chewie alone!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

He's not like...

Listen, you can't keep living in my RV. It smells like stale meth, wet bears,

and dead fish farts.

Oh, god.

That was actually your friend Wink. You ate Wink three days ago.

Three humans ago.

What? I have sluggish plumbing.

Turns out that human flesh, although delicious, contains very little fiber.

Please don't throw us out. I've really grown to love this place. It feels like

home. It's all warm and messy.

I have an idea.

So you want to move to Squirrel Valley, do you?

Everyone wants to be a squirrel. Just look at our tails. So beautiful. So

bushy.

Man, we are good looking. Oh, especially you, Sal.

Do I have consent to touch your tail?

Touch it, baby. You know you want to. Just touch it. Touch it. I give you

consent. Touch, touch, touch the tail.

Not to interrupt, but we were wondering if maybe you have, like, a hidden cave

somewhere where we could crash.

We squirrels don't align ourselves with large predators.

That's why bears and wolves aren't allowed in Squirrel Valley. It's nothing

personal. I'm sure you're all very nice, but we just don't like bears.

The only thing we like is nuts. You like nuts?

hour this morning no no no no no no no no it's coming from over here what could

this nutty concoction be no no no no no you don't want that hey

give that back you don't want to eat that

I feel like my brain works for the first time.

I believe I could accomplish something besides collecting nuts.

Why are they acting like that? Do you know what Adderall is?

It amps normal people up and it calms hyper people down.

Math must calm hyper squirrels down.

You know, if you bears want to stick around, we have an amazing hidden

place where no one will find you.

We will rent it to you if you pay us with... Meth!

Meth! Meth!

Meth! Meth!

Meth!

Hey,

wait for me.

What's this?

It is a place where wolves, frackers, and rangers will never find you.

Oh, this place is sick, y'all.

Yeah, Jeff really has an eye for interior design.

Jeff?

Now, about our payment.

Of course.

Here's your meth.

Huh? Hey! Let go!

Alistair, no.

Here's your own supply.

Hey, what did you promise me?

I wouldn't snort, smoke, or eat meth ever again.

You better not.

Well, I'd better get to school. I just finished these audition flyers for my

new musical, and I can hardly wait to hand them out. Take one. Get the word

out.

It's a good thing he has meth cooking as a backup.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm, yeah.

Hmm. This guy Jeff has very interesting taste in books.

Looks like they're all YA.

Who would read a book with only two letters?

That's young adult, you idiot.

I only read porno mags.

Hollowed books.

Just like Jer's library.

Why does he need all these massage tables?

And blow-up dolls.

What?

Wait, is that Bill Clinton in drag?

Whoever lives here isn't your average bear.

Sorry, guys. That painting's turning me on.

You two take your tour.

Head honcho here is going to need the room.

Bill.

Talk to me, Bill.

Johnny, did you hear?

That fiery footage sent the ratings through the roof.

But now you need to top it.

What's scarier than a fire?

What about that story about the bears eating people?

That's not a real threat. I made it up.

Mom, I'm at work.

He's missing?

Again? Who cares? He's a drug addict.

I bet the audience would care.

Star reporters family member missing.

Who is stealing America's beloved siblings?

Could it happen to you? It did happen to me.

Sorry,

Mr. President. It's just some cream filling.

I'll just wipe that off like it never happened.

If you'll excuse me, after I ejaculate, I got to evacuate.

Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow!

World, behold my beautiful bear poo!

Wait a minute. Bear poo?

Poo bear?

Winnie the Pooh Bear?

Who names a children's cartoon character after bear duty?

Are Disney groomers trying to get kids into kinky scat play?

I salute you for service bravely battling your way out of my colon.

Bye, bear poo!

Did someone decide to... Surprise me and make my favorite dish, mole?

Oh, that's not mole, but I recognize the taste. What is it?

Pot roast with a brown gravy sauce?

Chocolate pudding? No, more pungent, like stilton blue cheese. So familiar,

but... It's bear shit, you fool.

But it came from Squirrel Valley.

You idiot.

Bears must be hiding there.

There's only one solution for this, my son.

We declare war on Squirrel Valley and kill the bears.

Who is with me?

Kids, you know the drama club almost lost funding last year. I decided we

need to do something bigger.

More dramatic.

Something that, if I raise just a little more money, and I plan to, could take us

to Broadway.

What show are we doing, Mr. Solter?

Well, I analyzed what Broadway critics liked, and I discovered two things.

One, movie adaptations. And two, multicultural stories about racism.

So, I optioned the rights for us to do the Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Junior High School production of...

Please note, I corrected the grammar straight out of Compton. I can only get

the rights to the story, not the rap music, so it'll feature all original

songs written by me. I'm adding in a prologue with a drive-by shooting to

explain why most of you are in wheelchairs.

But the drama club only has three black students, and I'm a stage manager, not

an actor.

Frances Oliver, do you know what's hot on Broadway?

Colorblind casting.

If Lin-Manuel Miranda can play Alexander Hamilton...

Why can't I have Johnny Cole play Snoop Dogg and Bobby Daughtry play Iced Tea?

Iced Tea wasn't an N.W.A. That was Ice Cube. I know that. I loved Ice Cube's

acting on Law & Order.

And so everybody knows I've watched Get Out six times. So I feel uniquely

connected to the African-American experience and convinced there is no one

more qualified to tell this story than me.

I'm jonesing so bad and all I have are these crappy YA books to distract me.

They're all about teenagers and these pages are stuck together.

Hey, I have a passion for teen literature.

Hey, you must be the guy that lives here. Call me Jeff.

Cocktail?

I'm underage.

Oh, Alistair, just warms my heart to hear those two words together.

Underage. You know my name? I can hear everything on the surveillance system.

I know, I know, you're on the run, I'm your last resort, squirrel sent you

here, yadda, yadda, yadda. Trust me, I'd be upset too.

No, I'm upset because my siblings are ruining my life.

Really?

Tell Uncle Jeffy all about it. They've banned me from meth.

Good luck with that.

Listen, Alistair, they'll never understand folks like us.

What? You like methamphetamine, too? No. But I know how it feels when the one

thing you love doing is something the whole world thinks is wrong.

Good news!

There's an easy solve.

Kill them.

Wait, what?

My brother and sister?

Or I could. The fat one would make a great rug.

I've needed a new rug since Leo's date got her period on the last one.

Thought enough about me. Tell me more about this pre-teen musical.

Kill them, don't kill them. Kill them, don't kill them.

I know that smell. Oh, yeah, smoke it, baby.

Alistair, we have just reached a...

Impass in our discussion on dialectical materialism. As members of the

Squireletariat, when we collect and store nuts, do you think we're

recreating capitalism's worship of the banker?

Can I have a little meth? We were just reading this philosophical discussion of

morals.

Recalling that you promised your sister you would not do meth, as moral

creatures, I... I don't think we can share this meth with you.

But in his oath, he stated he wouldn't snort, smoke, or eat meth ever

again, which creates a moral loophole.

A loophole? I'd call it the poophole loophole.

The poophole loophole.

This place is such a maze.

Oh, that's where the toilets are.

Sorry, maybe next time.

Hello. A gift basket?

To Jer from your host, Jeff.

You shouldn't have, Jeffy.

A pocket pussy?

No. Two?

No, no. Three? In small, medium, and large. The little one's Kendall.

I'm a model.

The big one's Kim.

Let's make a porno.

And the just right one is Kylie.

I have my own chat.

Nobody get jealous, because if I could, I would use you all at once.

Maybe I can.

Oh, you found my welcome gift.

I did. Thank you.

I'm Jer, by the way.

I know. I was just bringing this one for your sister.

Oh, it's so big.

Much bigger than mine. I just assumed she was your leader because of the way

she talks down to you. You assumed wrong.

I'm the leader.

You would think, right?

You're older, larger.

The only reason she'd be in charge is that she was smarter.

She's not.

She's very small-minded, overly focused on saving the forest. I'm the big

picture guy.

See, once I make enough money, I'll buy a private island where I'll have sex

with whatever I want.

Go on.

I'll have my own airline stewardesses, and to pay for all the catering, I'll

invite famous people, film them in compromising positions, then blackmail

them. Now, I know that's a little pie in the sky, but Jeff, isn't vision the true

sign of leadership?

You're more than a leader, Jeff. You are my long-lost twin.

Twinsies?

Really? Sure. Look at me. King-shamed, imprisoned, forced to fake my own death.

But... Don't feel bad for me. I'm living my best life in this bunker. I even

built a secret sex dungeon downstairs.

Sex dungeon, you say?

Where I can do whatever I want without bossy pants like your sister judging me.

Wait

a minute,

Jeff. Famous people, bunker, YA.

This is Jeffrey Epstein's bunker.

Behold, the source of unsurpassed pleasure.

Don't let the bells, whistles, and premium Italian leather scare you. This

machine provides the ultimate orgasm.

Go on, get up there. You know you want to.

Whee! Oh, goody, goody, goody.

I don't get it.

This is too complicated.

I'm losing my boner. Oh, for fuck's sake.

I'll show you how to do it.

You step to the edge, then I'll host you up by pushing that button.

What button? This button?

No! Put me down!

It's a demo!

Uh, hang in there, Twinsy. I'll figure it out.

Dying!

Dying? That's my safe word. Don't tell me it's yours, too.

Wow, we really are twinsies.

Uh, uh-oh. Eh, looks like I broke it. Where's the manual?

Ah, got it.

Oh, no.

It's not in English.

Fucking illiterate.

Uh,

Jeff, while it's true I prefer pictograms, I thought we agreed that

this was a safe place without judgment.

Aleister! Jer!

Where are you?

I am a badass bear!

You smoked meth after you promised you wouldn't. No, bitch.

I'm a promise keeper.

I promised I wouldn't snort, smoke, or eat meth, and I didn't. Then how did

you... The poophole loophole.

Okay, Alistair, I need you to focus.

We have to get out of here. The guy who owns this place... Say one bad thing

about Jack, I will vaporize you! Like he's a pedo? Oh, no wonder he was so

into Dwight's high school musical.

What is going on?

Uh, well, Kendall shorted out and electrocuted my junk.

I think she's still mad at me for forgetting our anniversary.

Who the fuck is Kendall?

Dude, I don't mean to yuck your yum, but gross.

He can't hear you. I think he's dead.

Jer, come on.

He is a monster who had a private island of sex slaves where he would tape

powerful, famous people and blackmail them.

What? He stole my idea? Leave him here to die, asshole.

Oh, I bet I could find him if I hack into his Find My Phone app.

Hmm, what's his password?

His birthday?

Oh, I'm blanking on the date.

Oh, wait.

I'm his twin. Our birthdays should be very, very similar.

Nope. Oh, he's a few minutes older.

I'm in. It looks like he was last seen in Daniel Boone's state forest.

Mom, there are bear tracks all over here. How are we ever supposed to find

them? They're around here somewhere.

Mark our new territory.

Oh, talk about a bear shitting in the woods.

Mom! What is this?

Sure smells like bamboo.

Some kind of magical piece of corn?

I will personally pee on it.

I'm narrowing in on my brother's location.

No people for miles. Nothing but rocks, trees, and wolves.

Why are wild animals allowed to roam our forests?

Come on, Jer.

The wolves are out.

Stop pouting about your little buddy Jeff's autoerotic asphyxiation accident,

OK? I know I said we needed to get out earlier, but the bunker is ours now.

And it's safer in there than it is out here waiting to be eaten by wolves.

Yeah, and it's getting dark.

We've got to get back to the bunker, guys.

Okay.

Smells like wolf pith. No, they wouldn't dare come here.

Unless they're declaring war.

Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it spelled out in writing.

Wh-o-w-wh-o-r.

Whore. Who's a whore? That.

War, idiot.

Oh, those poor little meth-head squirrels. Check to see if they took

anything.

My three girls are safe!

Wait, it's gone.

That is where I hid the meth. Right in the spot I'd never look. Those damn

wolves took it. Oh, it's payback time.

The Daniel Boone State Forest was the last place my brother's phone pinged.

What happened to him?

Have you seen this perfectly harmless... Relatively good looking man.

If so, please call 555-HELP-METH.

555-HELP-METH.

Meth.

Squirrels. Wolves. So many violent creatures.

Meth! I can't believe the wolves took our meth.

I said I can't believe the wolves took our meth!

My mask.

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