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Long ago, in the Year of Our Lord
326 A.D., a great prophet is leader
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00:00:25,114 --> 00:00:29,162
of the Nephite people in ancient
upstate New York.
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00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:32,003
His name... is Mormon.
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00:00:34,087 --> 00:00:39,108
I... am Mormon. My people sailed
here from Israel to create
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00:00:39,143 --> 00:00:40,817
a new civilization.
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00:00:41,415 --> 00:00:45,249
These golden plates tell of our
people and how we met with...
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00:00:45,284 --> 00:00:47,153
Jesus Christ.
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00:00:50,307 --> 00:00:51,789
I... am Jesus.
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Take care of your golden plates, Mormon,
for soon, your entire civilization
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00:00:58,603 --> 00:01:01,819
will be gone and nobody
will remember you.
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00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:08,028
Just before the Nephite people were
wiped out, Mormon gave the plates
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00:01:08,063 --> 00:01:10,139
to his son, Moroni.
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I... am Moroni, the last of my kind.
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I shall bury the golden plates,
father, and perhaps one day
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00:01:21,152 --> 00:01:24,300
someone very special will find them.
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00:01:25,082 --> 00:01:28,974
And lo, Moroni buried the golden plates
high on a hill.
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Centuries later the golden plates
were found,
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giving birth to the fastest-growing
religion today!
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00:01:37,295 --> 00:01:42,997
A church that even now sends
missionaries out all over the world!
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Hello! My name is Elder Price
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00:01:49,248 --> 00:01:53,226
And I would like to share with you
the most amazing book
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Hello! My name is Elder Grant
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00:01:59,232 --> 00:02:03,368
It's a book about America
a long, long time ago
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00:02:03,403 --> 00:02:06,756
It has so many awesome parts
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00:02:06,791 --> 00:02:10,650
You simply won't believe
how much this book can change your life
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00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:14,565
Hello! My name is Elder Green
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00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,514
I would like to share with you
this book of Jesus Christ
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00:02:18,549 --> 00:02:22,074
Hello! My name is Elder Young
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00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:25,897
Did you know that Jesus
lived here in the USA?
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00:02:26,744 --> 00:02:29,829
You can read all about it now
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00:02:29,864 --> 00:02:33,704
In this nifty book, it's free!
No, you don't have to pay
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Hello! My name is Elder Smith
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And can I leave this book with you
for you to just peruse?
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00:02:41,018 --> 00:02:44,771
Hello! (Hello!)
I'll just leave it here
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00:02:44,806 --> 00:02:48,532
It has a lot of information
you can really use
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Hello! (Hi!)
My name is – (Jesus Christ!)
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You have a lovely home
(Hello!)
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It's an amazing book!
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00:02:55,868 --> 00:02:57,832
Bonjour! (Hola!) Ni Hao!
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00:02:57,867 --> 00:03:00,399
Me llamo Elder White
(Are these your kids?)
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00:03:00,434 --> 00:03:03,645
This book gives you the secret to eternal life
(Sound good?)
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00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,618
Eternal life
(With Jesus Christ!)
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Is super fun!
(Hello!) (Ding dong!)
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00:03:07,346 --> 00:03:10,952
And if you let us in we'll show you
how it can be done! (No thanks?)
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You sure?
(Oh, well)
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That's fine
(Goodbye!)
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00:03:13,325 --> 00:03:14,680
Have fun in hell
(Hey, now!)
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00:03:14,715 --> 00:03:18,102
You simply won't believe how much
this book will change your life
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00:03:18,137 --> 00:03:20,906
This book will change your life
This book will change your life
50
00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:23,026
This book will change your life
This book will change your life!
51
00:03:25,032 --> 00:03:29,651
Hello, would you like to change religions?
I have a free book written by Jesus!
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00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:36,932
No, no, no, Elder Cunningham!
That's not how we do it!
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You're making things up again.
Just stick to the approved dialogue.
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Elders, show him!
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Hello!
(Hello...)
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00:03:45,115 --> 00:03:46,712
My name is
(Elder Cunningham!)
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00:03:46,747 --> 00:03:49,807
And we would like to share with you
this book of Jesus Christ
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00:03:49,842 --> 00:03:52,172
Hello! Hello!
Ding dong! Heigh ho!
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00:03:52,207 --> 00:03:53,527
Just take this book!
It's free!
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00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:54,286
For you!
From me!
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You see?
You simply won't believe
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00:03:56,428 --> 00:03:57,698
How much this book will change your life!
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00:03:57,733 --> 00:03:59,349
(Hello)
This book will change your life!
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00:03:59,384 --> 00:04:01,824
(Hello)
So you won't burn in...
65
00:04:01,859 --> 00:04:06,514
Hell-o!
You're gonna die someday
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00:04:06,549 --> 00:04:09,823
But if you read this book you'll see
that there's another way
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00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:13,694
Spend eternity with friends and family
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00:04:13,729 --> 00:04:17,285
We can fully guarantee you
that this book will change your life
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00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,063
(Hello!)
This book will change your life
70
00:04:19,098 --> 00:04:21,027
(Hello!)
This book will change your life
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This book will change your life
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00:04:24,384 --> 00:04:34,020
The Book of Mormon
(Mormon!)
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Hello!
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All right, elders, all right!
That was very good indeed!
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00:04:50,693 --> 00:04:54,090
You have been training for
two years and you are now ready
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00:04:54,125 --> 00:04:55,971
to go out and spread the Word.
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00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:58,806
In a moment you will be assigned
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00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:01,510
your mission companions and
locations.
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00:05:01,545 --> 00:05:04,132
Oh boy, this is it guys,
this is it!
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00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:06,337
I can't believe the day
is finally here!
81
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,587
We're gonna get to go out
and see the world!
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00:05:08,622 --> 00:05:11,168
Do you have any idea where
they're sending you, Elder Price?
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00:05:11,203 --> 00:05:13,179
Well of course we don't
really have final say
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00:05:13,214 --> 00:05:14,413
over where we get sent,
but...
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00:05:15,265 --> 00:05:17,169
I have been praying to be sent
to my favorite place
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00:05:17,204 --> 00:05:18,220
in the whole world.
87
00:05:18,255 --> 00:05:20,082
Oh, well if you prayed
for a location,
88
00:05:20,117 --> 00:05:22,277
I'm sure Heavenly Father
will make it happen.
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00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,285
You're like the smartest, best,
most deserving elder this center
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00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,360
has ever seen.
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00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,620
Aw come on guys.
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00:05:32,722 --> 00:05:38,319
The most important time of a
Mormon kid's life is his mission.
93
00:05:39,303 --> 00:05:43,657
A chance to go out and help
heal the world, that's my mission
94
00:05:44,876 --> 00:05:51,057
Soon I'll be off in a different place
helping the whole human race
95
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:57,838
I know my mission will be
something incredible!
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00:05:58,572 --> 00:06:00,924
Elders, form a line,
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00:06:01,648 --> 00:06:04,917
And step forward when
your name is called.
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00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:06,165
Elder Young
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00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,763
Yes sir!
100
00:06:07,798 --> 00:06:09,777
Your mission brother will be...
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00:06:09,812 --> 00:06:11,130
Elder Grant.
102
00:06:11,165 --> 00:06:13,059
That's me! Hey brother!
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00:06:13,094 --> 00:06:16,673
And your mission location is...
Norway.
104
00:06:16,708 --> 00:06:17,998
Oh wow! Norway!
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00:06:18,033 --> 00:06:20,370
Land of gnomes! And trolls!
106
00:06:20,405 --> 00:06:26,015
Hoo-wah! Hey-yah!
Shoo-wah! Zala Wow!
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00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:29,297
Two by two,
we're marching door to door.
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00:06:29,332 --> 00:06:32,186
'Cause God loves Mormons
and he wants some more.
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00:06:32,221 --> 00:06:35,047
A two-year mission
is our sacrifice
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00:06:35,082 --> 00:06:37,792
We are the army of
the Church of Jesus Christ
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00:06:37,827 --> 00:06:38,963
...of Latter-Day Saints!
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00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:41,915
Two by two,
and today we'll know
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00:06:41,950 --> 00:06:45,065
Who we'll make the journey with
and where we'll go
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00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,798
We're fighting for a cause
but we're really really nice
115
00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:50,414
We are the army of
the Church of Jesus Christ
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00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:51,947
...of Latter-Day Saints!
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00:06:51,982 --> 00:06:55,317
Elder White and Elder Smith.
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Oh! I knew we'd get
paired together!
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00:06:57,427 --> 00:06:59,719
Your location will be...
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00:06:59,754 --> 00:07:01,114
France!
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00:07:01,149 --> 00:07:03,723
France! Land of ...
crêpes and berets!
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00:07:05,368 --> 00:07:08,114
Two by two,
I guess it's you and me
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00:07:08,149 --> 00:07:10,855
We're off to preach
across land and sea
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00:07:10,890 --> 00:07:12,475
Satan has a hold of France!
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00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:13,955
We need to knock him
off his perch!
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00:07:13,990 --> 00:07:16,790
We are the soldiers
of the army of the Church
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00:07:16,825 --> 00:07:18,457
...of Jesus Christ
of Latter-Day Saints!
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00:07:18,492 --> 00:07:24,608
Elder Cross and Elder Green,
you will be serving in...
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00:07:24,643 --> 00:07:25,760
Japan.
130
00:07:25,795 --> 00:07:26,979
Oh, Japan!
131
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,372
Land of soy sauce!
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00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,927
And Mothra!
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00:07:29,962 --> 00:07:32,019
Elder Harris and Elder Brown.
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00:07:32,054 --> 00:07:36,423
Heavenly Father,
where will I go on my mission
135
00:07:36,508 --> 00:07:38,139
(on my mission)?
136
00:07:38,496 --> 00:07:44,309
Will it be China or
Old Mexico on my mission? (mission)
137
00:07:44,344 --> 00:07:49,786
It could be San Fran by the bay,
Australia where they say "G'day",
138
00:07:49,821 --> 00:07:54,059
but I pray I'm sent
to my favorite place:
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00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:58,178
Orlando
(Orlando)
140
00:07:58,213 --> 00:08:01,647
I love you Orlando.
141
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:08,627
Sea World and Disney
and putt putt golfing!
142
00:08:09,129 --> 00:08:11,229
Elder Price.
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00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:11,917
Yes sir!
144
00:08:11,952 --> 00:08:14,006
Your brother will be...
145
00:08:14,041 --> 00:08:15,716
Elder Cunningham.
146
00:08:15,751 --> 00:08:19,045
That's me!
That's me! Hello!
147
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,322
Oh, hi.
148
00:08:20,357 --> 00:08:23,071
And your mission location is...
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00:08:24,183 --> 00:08:26,145
Uganda.
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00:08:34,821 --> 00:08:35,936
Uganda.
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00:08:35,971 --> 00:08:36,989
Uganda??
152
00:08:37,399 --> 00:08:39,013
Cool...
153
00:08:40,174 --> 00:08:41,977
Where is that?
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00:08:43,183 --> 00:08:44,647
Africa.
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00:08:45,111 --> 00:08:47,907
Oh boy!
Like Lion King.
156
00:08:48,483 --> 00:08:51,248
Two by two,
and now it's time to go
157
00:08:51,283 --> 00:08:54,188
Our paths have been revealed,
so let's start the show
158
00:08:54,223 --> 00:08:57,012
Our shirts are clean and pressed
and our haircuts are precise
159
00:08:57,047 --> 00:09:00,090
We are the army of the Church
We are the army of the Church
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00:09:00,125 --> 00:09:04,153
We are the army of
the Church of Jesus Christ!
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00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:19,308
Two by two we march to victory
162
00:09:19,343 --> 00:09:22,607
Armed with the greatest book
in history
163
00:09:22,642 --> 00:09:27,170
We'll convert everyone all across
the planet Earth.
164
00:09:27,993 --> 00:09:31,038
That is the beauty of,
the essence of,
165
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the purpose of,
the mission of
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00:09:32,746 --> 00:09:36,573
the soldiers of the army of
the Church
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00:09:36,608 --> 00:09:43,547
of Jesus Christ
168
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,419
...of Latter-Day Saints!
169
00:09:55,574 --> 00:09:58,951
All right, elders, all right!
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00:09:58,986 --> 00:10:04,127
Go home and pack your things.
Tomorrow, your missions begin.
171
00:10:07,163 --> 00:10:09,734
Bye you guys!
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00:10:11,221 --> 00:10:14,302
I am so stoked we got paired
together, Elder Price.
173
00:10:14,337 --> 00:10:17,632
Oho, me too. This is... fantastic!
174
00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:21,226
You know what? I prayed to
Heavenly Father that we would
175
00:10:21,261 --> 00:10:24,175
get paired together.
He really does listen!
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00:10:25,506 --> 00:10:26,846
He answered your prayers?
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00:10:26,881 --> 00:10:30,155
Yep, my mom said "if Heavenly
Father is proud of you, he'll
178
00:10:30,190 --> 00:10:31,541
always give you what you ask."
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00:10:31,576 --> 00:10:34,326
You and me for two years
in Ukuhanda!
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00:10:34,361 --> 00:10:37,153
This is gonna be awesome!
181
00:10:38,566 --> 00:10:40,249
Yes, well, if we have
the Book of Mormon,
182
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it'll do those Africans
a lot of good.
183
00:10:49,977 --> 00:10:53,157
Well, see you tomorrow, companion.
184
00:10:53,192 --> 00:10:56,064
Tomorrow is a Latter Day!
185
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,410
Goodbye, son.
We're so proud of you.
186
00:11:04,445 --> 00:11:07,958
Wow, I can't believe Kevin
is going to Africa for two years...
187
00:11:08,824 --> 00:11:10,234
I'm gonna miss my brother so much.
188
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:12,191
Aw I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too.
189
00:11:12,226 --> 00:11:15,020
Hey, maybe we should see if there's
anyway I could get transferred
190
00:11:15,055 --> 00:11:18,739
someplace a little bit closer
to home, like uh... Florida, or...
191
00:11:18,774 --> 00:11:22,274
No, don't worry, son. Heavenly
Father has a hand in everything.
192
00:11:22,309 --> 00:11:25,115
He knows what's best.
He always knows.
193
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,995
You're right, dad. I'm sure
I'm gonna have an amazing time.
194
00:11:28,030 --> 00:11:32,196
Alright son, just remember:
do whatever Elder Price does.
195
00:11:32,231 --> 00:11:36,967
He is a great Mormon, and you,
well, you're a... great follower.
196
00:11:37,002 --> 00:11:38,544
Right! I'm a follower.
197
00:11:38,579 --> 00:11:41,217
Elder Price seems like
a wonderful boy, Arnold!
198
00:11:41,252 --> 00:11:45,381
Uh... oh, he is. We're gonna have
the most amazing time together.
199
00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:49,946
It's like, like I'm finally
gonna have a best friend.
200
00:11:49,981 --> 00:11:53,138
Ohoho, well, just remember
what we talked about
201
00:11:53,173 --> 00:11:54,811
with regards to
your little problem.
202
00:11:54,846 --> 00:11:57,037
Oh don't worry Dad,
my little problem is "in check."
203
00:11:57,072 --> 00:11:58,158
It's not gonna be an issue.
204
00:12:02,531 --> 00:12:04,153
What's the little problem?
205
00:12:04,188 --> 00:12:08,746
Oh, nothing. He uh ju-, well,
he has a very active imagination.
206
00:12:08,781 --> 00:12:10,062
I lie a lot!
207
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:13,330
No! It's just he sometimes
208
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:15,572
makes things up when he
doesn't know what else to say.
209
00:12:15,607 --> 00:12:18,541
Bishop Donahue said it's because
I have no self-esteem and
210
00:12:18,576 --> 00:12:20,045
desperately want to fit in
with by my peers.
211
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,521
Well alright everybody,
212
00:12:21,556 --> 00:12:23,631
I think it's time we leave
these two to their work.
213
00:12:24,284 --> 00:12:26,048
Boy you boys have a lot of
catching up to do
214
00:12:26,083 --> 00:12:27,259
now that you're companions.
215
00:12:27,931 --> 00:12:31,922
This is it, elders.
You're heading... to Africa.
216
00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:23,966
Well how did you like that, boys?
A real Lion King send-off.
217
00:13:25,276 --> 00:13:27,844
We got Mrs. Brown to sing
like an African for you.
218
00:13:30,071 --> 00:13:30,924
Thanks, Dad.
219
00:13:30,959 --> 00:13:32,070
That was great!
220
00:13:32,105 --> 00:13:34,219
Well, good luck in Africa, boys!
221
00:13:34,254 --> 00:13:36,630
I've never been,
But I hear it's a HOOT!
222
00:13:39,112 --> 00:13:41,406
Well, goodbye, son,
and please be careful.
223
00:13:41,441 --> 00:13:45,464
Now you get out there and
you baptize those Africans, boy!
224
00:13:47,296 --> 00:13:47,970
Bye, Mrs. Brown!
225
00:13:48,005 --> 00:13:49,639
Bye, baby.
226
00:14:01,368 --> 00:14:04,788
Well? This is you and me now,
companion.
227
00:14:04,823 --> 00:14:06,111
Yup, that's right, elder.
228
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:08,193
From this point on,
according to Rule #72,
229
00:14:08,228 --> 00:14:11,135
we are never allowed to go anywhere
without each other.
230
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:13,209
Except the bathroom.
231
00:14:13,244 --> 00:14:14,521
Yes, that's right.
232
00:14:14,556 --> 00:14:17,168
This is so awesome!
Because all my friends
233
00:14:17,203 --> 00:14:19,800
always end up leaving me,
but you can't!
234
00:14:26,109 --> 00:14:28,121
Okay, favorite movies:
235
00:14:28,156 --> 00:14:30,437
Are you a Star Wars guy
or are you a Star Trek guy?
236
00:14:30,472 --> 00:14:32,891
I wanna know everything about you.
Personally I like Star Wars,
237
00:14:32,926 --> 00:14:35,891
but I'm willing to like Star Trek
if you think it's better?
238
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,201
Okay Elder, uh... Look,
I like to have fun
239
00:14:39,236 --> 00:14:42,745
just as much as the next guy,
you know, but um, look,
240
00:14:42,780 --> 00:14:47,198
things are different now.
We are men. This is our time
241
00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:48,865
to prove that we are worthy.
242
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:50,356
Worthy of what?
243
00:14:50,391 --> 00:14:53,669
Of everything we've been promised
in the afterlife
244
00:14:55,256 --> 00:15:01,113
I've always had the hope
that on the day I go to heaven
245
00:15:01,148 --> 00:15:04,863
Heavenly Father will
shake my hand and say:
246
00:15:04,898 --> 00:15:07,641
"You've done an awesome job,
Kevin"
247
00:15:07,676 --> 00:15:11,044
Now it's our time to go out-
248
00:15:11,079 --> 00:15:12,352
My best friend
249
00:15:12,387 --> 00:15:14,284
-to set the world's people free.
250
00:15:14,319 --> 00:15:18,252
We can do it together,
you and me,
251
00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:23,320
but mostly me!
252
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:32,000
You and me, but mostly me
Are gonna change the world forever
253
00:15:32,035 --> 00:15:34,821
'Cause I can do most anything
254
00:15:34,856 --> 00:15:37,319
And I can stand next to you
and watch
255
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:43,253
Every hero needs a sidekick
Every captain needs a mate
256
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:50,410
- Every dinner needs a side dish
- On a slightly smaller plate
257
00:15:50,445 --> 00:15:56,505
And now we're seeing eye to eye!
It's so great we can agree
258
00:15:56,540 --> 00:16:00,388
That Heavenly Father
has chosen you and me
259
00:16:00,423 --> 00:16:03,823
Just mostly me
260
00:16:03,858 --> 00:16:10,328
Something incredible
I'll do something incredible
261
00:16:10,363 --> 00:16:14,580
I wanna be the Mormon
who changed all of mankind
262
00:16:14,846 --> 00:16:16,355
My best friend
263
00:16:16,390 --> 00:16:22,063
It's something I've foreseen
And now that I'm nineteen
264
00:16:22,098 --> 00:16:29,983
I'll do something incredible
That blows God's freaking mind!
265
00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:33,368
And as long as we stick together
266
00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:35,604
And I stay out of your way
267
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:36,738
Out of my way
268
00:16:36,773 --> 00:16:39,529
We'll change the world forever
269
00:16:39,881 --> 00:16:42,046
And make tomorrow a Latter Day!
270
00:16:42,081 --> 00:16:44,718
Mostly me!
271
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:47,491
So quit thinking about it
and do it
272
00:16:47,526 --> 00:16:50,971
How ready and psyched are we?
273
00:16:51,006 --> 00:16:56,956
And life is about to change for you
And life is about to change for me
274
00:16:56,991 --> 00:17:01,083
And life is about to change
for you and me
275
00:17:01,118 --> 00:17:04,662
But me mostly
276
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:11,765
And there's no limit
to what we can do...
277
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,613
Me and you...
278
00:17:16,737 --> 00:17:18,343
But mostly...
279
00:17:18,378 --> 00:17:24,144
Me!
280
00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:06,863
Well, looks like we made it, huh?
281
00:18:06,898 --> 00:18:08,869
Yeah, that was...
that was one long trip.
282
00:18:09,307 --> 00:18:11,406
I'll say! Here we are
in Kitguli, Uganda,
283
00:18:11,441 --> 00:18:12,845
and what do you
think of Uganda, Elder?
284
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,229
Well uum, I think
it's really different!
285
00:18:14,264 --> 00:18:15,198
Yeah, it's different.
286
00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:19,912
Yeah yeah! What have we here,
maybe?! German?! British?!
287
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:22,572
American.
288
00:18:22,607 --> 00:18:23,507
Hello sir.
289
00:18:23,542 --> 00:18:25,596
Uh, we're here to see
Mister Mafala Hatimbi.
290
00:18:25,631 --> 00:18:26,787
Yeah. Your bags!
291
00:18:26,822 --> 00:18:29,433
Oh uh, sir, we don't have anything
illegal in there, sir.
292
00:18:29,468 --> 00:18:32,345
Uh, we're from the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
293
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:34,581
Here are some men with guns
searching through our bags.
294
00:18:34,616 --> 00:18:38,539
Shut up! We take these bags!
295
00:18:38,574 --> 00:18:39,195
What?
296
00:18:39,230 --> 00:18:41,214
This is your tariff...
to the general!
297
00:18:41,249 --> 00:18:43,122
The, the general?
Let I get one thi-
298
00:18:43,157 --> 00:18:44,285
You shut the fuck up!
You want to die?!
299
00:18:44,563 --> 00:18:45,042
Omigosh! Okay-
300
00:18:45,077 --> 00:18:47,646
Just take the bags!
Why are you doing this?!
301
00:18:55,471 --> 00:18:57,263
Ahh, there you are!
302
00:18:57,298 --> 00:18:59,208
I have been looking
all over for you.
303
00:18:59,243 --> 00:19:00,480
I am Mafala Hatimbi.
304
00:19:00,545 --> 00:19:02,760
I have been hired to
show you to your building.
305
00:19:02,798 --> 00:19:04,325
Look, some men just took our bags.
306
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,964
You must be very careful
around here.
307
00:19:06,999 --> 00:19:08,230
Now let's get going!
308
00:19:08,265 --> 00:19:10,927
Uh no, uh, shouldn't you
call the police and
309
00:19:10,962 --> 00:19:12,110
see if we can get our bags back?
310
00:19:12,145 --> 00:19:13,857
Oho, the police...
311
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:18,005
The police are in Kampala,
two days' drive away.
312
00:19:18,795 --> 00:19:20,683
There's a lot of really important
stuff in those bags.
313
00:19:20,718 --> 00:19:23,514
Oh well, "Hasa Diga Eebowai."
314
00:19:23,549 --> 00:19:25,010
'Scuse me?
315
00:19:25,045 --> 00:19:27,558
You're in Northern Uganda now,
316
00:19:27,593 --> 00:19:30,816
and in this part of Africa,
we all have a saying.
317
00:19:30,851 --> 00:19:35,958
Whenever something bad happens,
we just throw our hands to the sky
318
00:19:35,993 --> 00:19:38,795
and say "Hasa Diga Eebowai!"
319
00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:40,794
Hasa Diga Eebowai?
320
00:19:40,829 --> 00:19:43,900
It's the only way to get through
all these troubled times.
321
00:19:43,935 --> 00:19:47,359
There's war, poverty, famine...
322
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:51,122
But having a saying
makes it all seem better!
323
00:19:52,416 --> 00:19:56,973
There isn't enough food to eat
Hasa Diga Eebowai
324
00:19:57,008 --> 00:20:01,273
People are starving in the street
Hasa Diga Eebowai
325
00:20:01,308 --> 00:20:09,859
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
326
00:20:11,621 --> 00:20:12,558
Well, that's pretty neat!
327
00:20:12,593 --> 00:20:14,978
Does it mean no worries
for the rest of our days?
328
00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:17,158
Kind of!
329
00:20:17,193 --> 00:20:21,504
We've had no rain in several days
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
330
00:20:21,539 --> 00:20:26,266
And eighty percent of us have AIDS
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
331
00:20:26,301 --> 00:20:30,739
Many young girls here get circumcised
Their clits get cut right off (Way oh!)
332
00:20:30,774 --> 00:20:35,282
And so we say up to the sky
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
333
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:43,773
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
334
00:20:45,184 --> 00:20:50,198
Now you try! Just stand up tall,
tilt your head to the sky,
335
00:20:50,233 --> 00:20:53,112
and list off the bad things in your life.
336
00:20:53,147 --> 00:20:57,733
Somebody took our luggage away
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
337
00:20:57,768 --> 00:21:00,357
The plane was crowded
and the bus was late
338
00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:02,607
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
339
00:21:02,642 --> 00:21:06,967
When the world is getting you down
There's nobody else to blame (Way oh!)
340
00:21:07,002 --> 00:21:10,865
Raise your middle finger to the sky
And curse his rotten name
341
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:11,846
Wait, what?
342
00:21:11,881 --> 00:21:15,577
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Am I saying that right?
343
00:21:17,171 --> 00:21:20,549
Excuse me, sir, but what exactly
does that phrase mean?
344
00:21:20,584 --> 00:21:26,699
Well, let's see... "Eebowai" means "God",
and "Hasa Diga" means...
345
00:21:26,734 --> 00:21:29,995
..."Fuck you!".
346
00:21:36,506 --> 00:21:42,997
So I guess in English it would be,
"Fuck you, God!" (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
347
00:21:43,032 --> 00:21:43,713
What?!!
348
00:21:43,748 --> 00:21:47,990
When God fucks you in the butt,
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
349
00:21:48,025 --> 00:21:52,249
Fuck God back right in his cunt
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
350
00:21:52,777 --> 00:21:56,672
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
What a nifty phrase!
351
00:21:57,268 --> 00:22:01,626
Hasa Diga Eebowai
Hasa Diga Eebowai
352
00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:05,871
Hasa Diga Eebowai
Hasa Diga Eebowai
353
00:22:07,383 --> 00:22:08,739
You have to stop saying that!
354
00:22:08,774 --> 00:22:09,468
What? Hasa Diga...
355
00:22:09,510 --> 00:22:11,450
No! It means something very bad.
356
00:22:11,485 --> 00:22:12,225
What?
357
00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:15,725
They're saying F you to Heavenly Father!
358
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,919
F you Heavenly Father?!
359
00:22:17,954 --> 00:22:21,531
Holy Moly!
I said it like thirteen times!
360
00:22:21,985 --> 00:22:32,000
Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Fuck you, God!)
Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Fuck you, God!)
361
00:22:36,347 --> 00:22:39,471
Excuse me, sir, but you should really
not be saying that.
362
00:22:39,506 --> 00:22:42,009
Things aren't always
as bad as they seem.
363
00:22:42,044 --> 00:22:47,821
Oh, really? Well, take this fucking asshole,
Mutumbo, here. He got caught last week
364
00:22:47,856 --> 00:22:49,883
trying to rape a baby.
365
00:22:49,918 --> 00:22:50,805
What!? Why?
366
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:54,165
Some people in his tribe believe
that having sex with a virgin
367
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:58,962
will cure their AIDS. There aren't
many virgins left, so some of them
368
00:22:58,997 --> 00:23:00,418
are turning to babies.
369
00:23:00,453 --> 00:23:01,582
But... that's horrible!
370
00:23:01,617 --> 00:23:02,847
I know!
371
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,671
(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)
372
00:23:04,706 --> 00:23:09,412
Here's the butcher, he has AIDS
Here's the teacher, she has AIDS
373
00:23:09,447 --> 00:23:15,076
Here's the doctor, he has AIDS –
Here's my daughter she has A...
374
00:23:15,111 --> 00:23:18,004
...wonderful disposition!
375
00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:21,273
She's all I have left in the world
376
00:23:21,308 --> 00:23:26,899
And if either of you lays a hand on her...
377
00:23:26,934 --> 00:23:29,052
I will give you my AIDS!
378
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:34,455
If you don't like what we say
Try living here a couple days
379
00:23:34,490 --> 00:23:38,944
Watch all your friends and family die
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
380
00:23:38,979 --> 00:23:40,345
Fuck you!
381
00:23:50,265 --> 00:23:51,040
Fuck...
382
00:23:52,523 --> 00:23:54,104
...you...
383
00:24:00,249 --> 00:24:02,065
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
384
00:24:02,307 --> 00:24:04,337
Fuck you, God, in the ass,
mouth, and cunt-a
385
00:24:04,863 --> 00:24:06,758
Fuck you, God, in the ass,
mouth, and cunt-a
386
00:24:07,202 --> 00:24:09,049
Fuck you, God, in the ass,
mouth, and cunt-a
387
00:24:09,393 --> 00:24:11,148
Fuck you in the eye!
388
00:24:11,831 --> 00:24:13,873
Fuck you, God, in the ass,
mouth, and cunt-a
389
00:24:14,312 --> 00:24:16,182
Fuck you, God, in the ass,
mouth, and cunt-a
390
00:24:16,746 --> 00:24:18,170
Fuck you, God, in the ass,
mouth, and cunt-a
391
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:20,783
Fuck you in the other eye!
392
00:24:20,977 --> 00:24:25,382
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Fuck you, fuck you God
393
00:24:25,417 --> 00:24:29,377
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Fuck you, fuck you God
394
00:24:29,412 --> 00:24:34,399
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Fuck you, fuck you God
395
00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:36,822
Hasa Diga!
396
00:24:36,857 --> 00:24:40,775
Fuck you God!
397
00:24:40,810 --> 00:24:45,584
In the cunt!
398
00:25:04,154 --> 00:25:06,337
Fuck you, God!
399
00:25:10,045 --> 00:25:12,888
This is where my father
asked me to bring you.
400
00:25:13,151 --> 00:25:14,998
The others like you
should be inside.
401
00:25:15,033 --> 00:25:17,939
Thank you very much,
Jam ban Chofi.
402
00:25:20,675 --> 00:25:22,435
Nabulungi.
403
00:25:22,470 --> 00:25:24,254
Nam ban Chofi.
404
00:25:25,166 --> 00:25:26,426
Ah, I'm sorry.
405
00:25:26,461 --> 00:25:28,747
We, we really appreciate
your help, Nabulungi.
406
00:25:28,782 --> 00:25:30,525
Oh hey, hey...
407
00:25:31,665 --> 00:25:33,665
Um, heh, um, um,
look, maybe,
408
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:36,172
maybe sometime Elder Cunningham
and I could, could talk to you,
409
00:25:36,207 --> 00:25:37,624
maybe tell you
a little bit about
410
00:25:37,659 --> 00:25:39,584
the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter Day Saints?
411
00:25:41,830 --> 00:25:46,774
I, I have to get back to
my village, but I am always there
412
00:25:46,809 --> 00:25:48,054
if you would like to talk.
413
00:25:50,035 --> 00:25:52,080
Just, just one piece of advice:
414
00:25:52,115 --> 00:25:55,362
No matter how hot you get
at night, keep your windows closed.
415
00:25:55,723 --> 00:25:58,131
It is the only way to protect
against the scorpions.
416
00:25:58,639 --> 00:25:59,711
And the mosquitoes.
417
00:26:00,339 --> 00:26:01,131
And the lions.
418
00:26:02,713 --> 00:26:06,846
And the murderers and the robbers,
and the AIDS, and the snakes,
419
00:26:06,881 --> 00:26:08,271
and the safari ants,
420
00:26:08,306 --> 00:26:10,458
which can actually plant
their eggs underneath your skin
421
00:26:10,493 --> 00:26:12,150
and eat you from the inside out.
422
00:26:17,759 --> 00:26:19,876
Man elder, can you believe this?
423
00:26:19,911 --> 00:26:23,704
I know, she is such
a hot shade of black, right?
424
00:26:27,906 --> 00:26:30,419
She's like, she's like a latte.
425
00:26:36,819 --> 00:26:39,031
Let's go inside and meet
the other elders, alright?
426
00:26:47,442 --> 00:26:49,862
Hello?
427
00:26:49,897 --> 00:26:52,373
The new recruits are here!
428
00:26:54,493 --> 00:26:58,606
Welcome Elder Price
and Elder Cunningham.
429
00:26:58,641 --> 00:27:01,570
I am Elder McKinley,
current district leader
430
00:27:01,605 --> 00:27:03,342
for this area
of the Uganda mission.
431
00:27:03,377 --> 00:27:04,185
Nice to meet you.
432
00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:05,465
And my name is Elder Church,
433
00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:07,882
originally from the great city of
Cheyenne, Wyoming.
434
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:09,723
Elder Michaels from Provo.
435
00:27:09,758 --> 00:27:13,794
Elder Thomas, but the elders here
all call me Elder Pop-Tart,
436
00:27:13,829 --> 00:27:15,870
'cause I love them so much.
437
00:27:17,289 --> 00:27:20,168
And over there are
Elder Neeley and Elder Davis.
438
00:27:20,203 --> 00:27:21,354
Whoa, that's a lot to remember.
439
00:27:26,903 --> 00:27:28,331
Let's sit, let's sit.
440
00:27:32,238 --> 00:27:35,838
Well, we've all been together
about three months now,
441
00:27:35,873 --> 00:27:37,870
spreading the Word of Christ,
442
00:27:37,905 --> 00:27:42,075
saving the souls of the fine
Ugandan people through baptism.
443
00:27:42,110 --> 00:27:44,173
Well uh, how many have you
baptized so far?
444
00:27:45,769 --> 00:27:47,751
Uh... zero.
445
00:27:48,435 --> 00:27:49,964
That's practically nothing.
446
00:27:49,999 --> 00:27:55,743
Zero, yes, but there's always hope
that tomorrow will be different.
447
00:27:55,778 --> 00:27:57,098
Right!
448
00:27:57,133 --> 00:28:00,777
Because tomorrow is a Latter Day!
449
00:28:04,907 --> 00:28:06,074
Hey, are you alright, partner?
450
00:28:06,109 --> 00:28:08,794
Yeah. I'm just ah...
451
00:28:08,829 --> 00:28:11,261
I'm just getting a little
confused... right now, so.
452
00:28:11,296 --> 00:28:13,779
Oh, confused.
453
00:28:13,814 --> 00:28:17,800
Well elder, that is natural.
There are certainly a lot of
454
00:28:17,835 --> 00:28:21,254
things here in Uganda
that can be... disturbing.
455
00:28:22,113 --> 00:28:24,623
But your mission
has officially started.
456
00:28:24,658 --> 00:28:27,730
Which means you have to do
what we have all done.
457
00:28:28,389 --> 00:28:32,652
I got a feelin'
That you could be feelin'
458
00:28:33,104 --> 00:28:37,750
A whole lot better
than you feel today
459
00:28:37,785 --> 00:28:41,926
You say you got a problem?
Well that's no problem
460
00:28:41,961 --> 00:28:46,453
It's super-easy
not to feel that way
461
00:28:46,488 --> 00:28:51,372
When you start to get confused
Because of thoughts in your head
462
00:28:51,407 --> 00:28:53,246
Don't feel those feelings
463
00:28:53,985 --> 00:28:58,626
Hold them in instead
464
00:28:58,661 --> 00:29:00,352
Turn it off
465
00:29:00,387 --> 00:29:03,135
Like a light switch
Just go click
466
00:29:03,170 --> 00:29:07,776
It's a cool little Mormon trick
We do it all the time
467
00:29:07,811 --> 00:29:09,423
When you're feelin'
certain feelings
468
00:29:09,458 --> 00:29:11,184
that just don't seem right
469
00:29:11,219 --> 00:29:13,682
Treat those pesky feelings
like a reading light
470
00:29:14,785 --> 00:29:17,537
And turn them off
Like a light switch
471
00:29:17,572 --> 00:29:21,466
Just go bap
Really, what's so hard about that?
472
00:29:22,252 --> 00:29:23,032
Turn it off!
473
00:29:23,748 --> 00:29:26,409
Turn it off!
Right? Okay
474
00:29:26,444 --> 00:29:29,654
When I was young my dad
Would treat my mom real bad
475
00:29:29,689 --> 00:29:32,704
Every time the Utah Jazz
would lose
476
00:29:32,739 --> 00:29:35,941
He'd start a-drinkin'
And I'd start a-thinkin'
477
00:29:35,976 --> 00:29:39,502
"How am I gonna keep
my Mom from getting abused?"
478
00:29:39,537 --> 00:29:44,262
I'd see her all scared
And my soul was dyin'
479
00:29:44,297 --> 00:29:50,844
My dad would say to me
"now don't you dare start cryin'!"
480
00:29:50,879 --> 00:29:52,463
Turn it off
481
00:29:52,498 --> 00:29:55,414
Like a light switch
Just go click
482
00:29:55,449 --> 00:29:58,216
It's our nifty
little Mormon trick
483
00:29:58,251 --> 00:29:59,880
Turn it off!
484
00:29:59,915 --> 00:30:02,749
Turn. It. Off!
485
00:30:02,784 --> 00:30:06,150
My sister was a dancer
But she got cancer
486
00:30:06,185 --> 00:30:08,844
The doctor said she still
had two months more
487
00:30:08,879 --> 00:30:11,666
I thought she had time
So I got in line
488
00:30:11,701 --> 00:30:15,325
For the new iPhone
at the Apple Store
489
00:30:15,907 --> 00:30:20,306
She lay there dying
with my father and mother
490
00:30:20,341 --> 00:30:27,317
Her very last words were
"Where is my brother?"
491
00:30:27,352 --> 00:30:29,026
Turn it off!
492
00:30:29,061 --> 00:30:31,772
Bid those sad feelings adieu
493
00:30:31,807 --> 00:30:34,770
The fear that I might
get cancer too...
494
00:30:39,076 --> 00:30:42,975
When I was in fifth grade
I had a friend, Steve Glade
495
00:30:44,084 --> 00:30:46,382
He and I were close
as two friends could be
496
00:30:46,417 --> 00:30:50,566
One thing led to another,
and soon I would discover
497
00:30:50,601 --> 00:30:51,275
(Wow!)
498
00:30:51,310 --> 00:30:55,214
I was having really strange
feelings for Steve...
499
00:30:55,856 --> 00:30:58,909
I thought about us
On a deserted island
500
00:30:58,944 --> 00:31:00,105
(We're all alone...)
501
00:31:00,140 --> 00:31:06,198
We'd swim naked in the sea,
and then he'd try and...
502
00:31:06,233 --> 00:31:09,184
Woah! Turn it off!
503
00:31:09,219 --> 00:31:10,536
Like a light switch
504
00:31:10,571 --> 00:31:12,356
There it's gone!
(Good for you!)
505
00:31:12,391 --> 00:31:15,253
My hetero side just won!
506
00:31:15,288 --> 00:31:16,900
I'm all better now
507
00:31:16,935 --> 00:31:19,806
Boys should be with girls,
That's Heavenly Father's plan
508
00:31:19,841 --> 00:31:22,750
So if you ever feel
you'd rather be with a man
509
00:31:22,785 --> 00:31:24,199
Turn it off!
510
00:31:24,234 --> 00:31:25,004
Well, Elder McKinley,
511
00:31:25,088 --> 00:31:27,403
I think it's okay that
you're having gay thoughts.
512
00:31:27,438 --> 00:31:29,715
Just so long as you never
act upon them.
513
00:31:29,750 --> 00:31:32,888
No, 'cause then you're
just keepin' it down
514
00:31:32,923 --> 00:31:36,228
Like a dimmer switch on low...
(On low...)
515
00:31:36,263 --> 00:31:39,244
Thinking nobody needs to know
(Uh oh...)
516
00:31:39,279 --> 00:31:41,054
But that's not true!
517
00:31:41,089 --> 00:31:43,762
Being gay is bad,
But lying is worse
518
00:31:43,797 --> 00:31:46,686
So just realize
you have a curable curse,
519
00:31:46,721 --> 00:31:50,667
And turn it off!
(Turn it off!)
520
00:32:34,210 --> 00:32:35,759
Turn it off!
521
00:32:41,613 --> 00:32:44,240
Now, how do you feel?
522
00:32:44,275 --> 00:32:45,302
The same.
523
00:32:45,337 --> 00:32:46,111
Awww.
524
00:32:46,146 --> 00:32:48,264
Then you've only
got yourself to blame
525
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,412
You didn't pretend hard enough
526
00:32:50,447 --> 00:32:53,860
Imagine that your brain
is made of tiny boxes
527
00:32:53,895 --> 00:32:55,366
Then find the box that's gay and
528
00:32:55,366 --> 00:32:56,684
CRUSH IT!
529
00:32:56,684 --> 00:32:58,919
Okay?!
530
00:33:08,393 --> 00:33:09,819
No, no.
531
00:33:09,854 --> 00:33:11,516
I'm not having gay thoughts.
532
00:33:11,992 --> 00:33:13,915
Alright! It worked!
533
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:15,303
Yay!
534
00:33:15,338 --> 00:33:18,208
He turned it ooooff!
(Turned it off!)
535
00:33:18,243 --> 00:33:21,326
Turn it off!
Turn it off!
536
00:33:21,361 --> 00:33:24,325
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Like a light switch
537
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:25,913
Just go 'click'!
(Click click!)
538
00:33:25,948 --> 00:33:29,063
What a cool little Mormon trick
(Trick trick!)
539
00:33:29,098 --> 00:33:30,704
We do it all the time!
540
00:33:30,739 --> 00:33:32,185
When you're feelin'
certain feelings
541
00:33:32,220 --> 00:33:34,318
that just don't seem right
(don't seem right)
542
00:33:34,353 --> 00:33:36,670
Treat those pesky feelings
like a reading light
543
00:33:36,705 --> 00:33:38,989
And turn it off!
544
00:33:39,024 --> 00:33:44,062
Like a light switch on a cord
And now he isn't gay any
545
00:33:44,097 --> 00:33:46,753
Turn it, turn it,
turn it, turn it...
546
00:33:46,788 --> 00:33:49,929
Turn it, turn it,
turn it, turn it...
547
00:33:49,964 --> 00:33:53,076
Turn it...
548
00:33:58,205 --> 00:34:00,552
Turn it off!
(Off!)
549
00:34:18,274 --> 00:34:20,334
Alright elders, alright.
550
00:34:20,369 --> 00:34:21,336
Our two new missionaries
551
00:34:21,795 --> 00:34:24,296
must be exhausted
from all their travels.
552
00:34:24,331 --> 00:34:26,805
Let's show them their room
so they can unpack.
553
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:28,586
A six, seven, eight.
554
00:34:37,511 --> 00:34:39,175
Tada.
555
00:34:39,210 --> 00:34:40,732
All right!
Check it out!
556
00:34:41,139 --> 00:34:42,745
We get to sleep
right next to each other!
557
00:34:43,464 --> 00:34:45,515
Alright elders,
get settled in.
558
00:34:45,550 --> 00:34:47,182
Now, according to
missionary rules,
559
00:34:47,217 --> 00:34:48,713
lights out promptly at 10,
560
00:34:48,748 --> 00:34:51,259
and we all wake up
at exactly 6:30.
561
00:34:52,419 --> 00:34:54,560
I've heard a lot of great things
about you, Elder Price.
562
00:34:55,230 --> 00:34:58,656
I'm really hopin' you can...
turn things around here.
563
00:34:58,691 --> 00:35:01,316
Hoho, don't worry. We will.
564
00:35:05,334 --> 00:35:08,151
Elders, we're glad you're here.
565
00:35:21,526 --> 00:35:25,560
Heavenly Father, as we prepare
to turn in for the night,
566
00:35:25,595 --> 00:35:29,778
we ask that you give us the...
the strength to spread your wisdom
567
00:35:29,813 --> 00:35:31,331
and also, and also the knowledge-
568
00:35:31,575 --> 00:35:34,309
Do you think Frodo was really
the hero of The Lord of the Rings?
569
00:35:34,344 --> 00:35:37,115
Sometimes I think it was actually
Samwise that did everything.
570
00:35:37,727 --> 00:35:38,176
What?
571
00:35:38,542 --> 00:35:41,558
I mean think about it:
Who got the ring back from Gollum?
572
00:35:41,593 --> 00:35:44,219
Hm? OH! Samwise.
573
00:35:44,254 --> 00:35:45,908
And who pulled Frodo up
the side of the mountain?
574
00:35:45,943 --> 00:35:46,577
Just think about however to-
575
00:35:46,612 --> 00:35:49,497
I remember now!
Samwise Gamgee did it!
576
00:35:49,532 --> 00:35:51,082
Okay um, uh, Elder,
577
00:35:51,117 --> 00:35:53,881
I- Maybe we should have some
companionship evaluation time.
578
00:35:53,916 --> 00:35:54,831
Oh, yeah!
579
00:35:54,866 --> 00:35:55,552
Alright!
580
00:35:55,587 --> 00:36:04,144
Uh, you clearly...
have a great passion for uh...
581
00:36:04,179 --> 00:36:05,772
for, for things.
582
00:36:05,807 --> 00:36:10,119
And, and and you like
to talk about... stuff?
583
00:36:10,154 --> 00:36:11,842
Um, I was wondering if maybe uh,
584
00:36:12,484 --> 00:36:14,944
the things and stuff
you seem to be focusing on
585
00:36:14,979 --> 00:36:18,443
are the things and stuff that apply
to the reason we are here.
586
00:36:20,177 --> 00:36:21,460
Can you do that for me?
587
00:36:21,495 --> 00:36:26,490
I'd do anything for you!
I'm your best friend.
588
00:36:28,811 --> 00:36:32,076
Well, all right...
Let's get some sleep, huh?
589
00:36:32,111 --> 00:36:34,603
Yeah... Oh yeah.
590
00:36:45,963 --> 00:36:52,359
Sleep now, little buddy,
Put your cares aside
591
00:36:52,394 --> 00:36:58,305
Nappy with a happy face,
I am by your side
592
00:36:58,491 --> 00:36:59,615
What are you doing?
593
00:36:59,650 --> 00:37:01,558
I'm just trying to
make you feel better.
594
00:37:01,593 --> 00:37:03,001
I feel fine.
595
00:37:03,036 --> 00:37:04,658
But this is what
I'm talking about.
596
00:37:04,693 --> 00:37:07,194
Your focus needs
to be on our work.
597
00:37:07,229 --> 00:37:09,371
Do you understand how difficult
this is gonna be?
598
00:37:09,406 --> 00:37:12,423
The missionaries here have yet to
baptize a single person.
599
00:37:13,342 --> 00:37:17,103
Well, if they had already baptized
a bunch of people here,
600
00:37:17,138 --> 00:37:20,583
then it wouldn't be so incredible
when you did it, now would it?
601
00:37:22,584 --> 00:37:26,353
I guess.
I guess that's sort of true...
602
00:37:26,388 --> 00:37:29,167
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna let you down.
603
00:37:29,966 --> 00:37:33,158
Today we're gonna bring
lots of Africans to the church.
604
00:37:33,193 --> 00:37:34,981
I just know it.
605
00:37:35,842 --> 00:37:39,515
You know what, Elder?
You're alright.
606
00:37:39,550 --> 00:37:41,238
Really?
607
00:37:41,273 --> 00:37:42,643
Yeah.
608
00:37:43,513 --> 00:37:49,434
Evening star shines brightly,
God makes life anew!
609
00:37:49,469 --> 00:37:58,355
Sleep now, tighty night!
And I am here for you.
610
00:37:59,786 --> 00:38:02,995
I am here for you, too.
611
00:38:03,595 --> 00:38:08,903
We are here, for us.
612
00:38:11,991 --> 00:38:13,774
Goodnight, best friend!
613
00:38:14,518 --> 00:38:17,311
Goodnight, pal.
614
00:38:34,686 --> 00:38:36,607
Nabulungi! Where have you been?!
615
00:38:36,642 --> 00:38:38,560
Baba, look what I
found in the market!
616
00:38:38,811 --> 00:38:40,709
What have I told you
about wandering off?!
617
00:38:40,744 --> 00:38:42,300
The market is not safe!
618
00:38:42,335 --> 00:38:44,214
But Baba, I finally found one.
619
00:38:44,249 --> 00:38:45,568
A texting device.
620
00:38:45,603 --> 00:38:47,618
Now I can text all
of my friends.
621
00:38:48,976 --> 00:38:52,140
Listen to me woman!
Do not go to the market again!
622
00:38:52,175 --> 00:38:55,394
The general is mutilating girls
in the next village over!
623
00:38:57,337 --> 00:38:58,761
Baba I'm sorry.
624
00:38:59,285 --> 00:39:02,713
Nabulungi, we must be careful.
625
00:39:02,748 --> 00:39:04,548
If we want to stay alive,
626
00:39:04,583 --> 00:39:09,485
our village needs to lay low
and not attract any attention.
627
00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:13,106
City lights here we go
from northern ligh...
628
00:39:13,141 --> 00:39:15,133
Let's go out and get
some placements!
629
00:39:15,168 --> 00:39:17,523
Right! Uh, what's
a placement again?
630
00:39:18,302 --> 00:39:20,873
A placement is getting somebody
to take a Book of Mormon.
631
00:39:20,908 --> 00:39:23,326
If you give one out, that counts
as a placement. Remember?
632
00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:24,665
Right, I knew that...
633
00:39:24,700 --> 00:39:28,044
Look, maybe you should just let me
do the talking and you can sort of
634
00:39:28,079 --> 00:39:30,849
support what I'm saying by going
"oh wow" and stuff like that.
635
00:39:30,884 --> 00:39:32,058
Yeah!
636
00:39:32,093 --> 00:39:34,300
Yeah, like one of those infomercials.
637
00:39:34,335 --> 00:39:36,282
You know how they have,
how they always have some guy
638
00:39:36,317 --> 00:39:38,269
trying to sell something and then,
there's always some lady
639
00:39:38,270 --> 00:39:40,889
standing next to them saying
"Oh wow, what an incredible offer!"
640
00:39:40,924 --> 00:39:42,302
I'm, I'm like that lady!
641
00:39:43,543 --> 00:39:46,045
Okay. Yeah!
Okay, whatever.
642
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:49,499
Uh, what do you say we just
start with this little house, huh?
643
00:39:49,534 --> 00:39:52,065
We just walk up like we're
at the missionary training center.
644
00:39:52,100 --> 00:39:52,898
Okay!
645
00:39:52,899 --> 00:39:54,324
- Okay!
- Okay!
646
00:39:59,753 --> 00:40:05,020
There's no doorbell!
There isn't any doorbell!
647
00:40:06,914 --> 00:40:08,705
What do you want?!
648
00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:13,180
Oh... Hello ma'am, do you ever
feel like there's something
649
00:40:13,181 --> 00:40:14,703
missing from your life?
650
00:40:18,603 --> 00:40:22,579
Um, when you go to sleep
at night, do you sometimes
651
00:40:22,580 --> 00:40:25,015
feel a power stirring
inside you?
652
00:40:25,491 --> 00:40:27,562
Yes. That's how I feel.
653
00:40:27,597 --> 00:40:30,390
Oh. You sir! Come on
down here, huh?
654
00:40:31,165 --> 00:40:35,216
Do you find yourself asking
questions about this feeling?
655
00:40:35,251 --> 00:40:36,143
Yes.
656
00:40:36,178 --> 00:40:42,023
And it's because... you want to
believe in something else, isn't it?
657
00:40:42,024 --> 00:40:45,031
No, it's because I have
maggots in my scrotum.
658
00:40:46,301 --> 00:40:47,474
You've got what?!
659
00:40:47,509 --> 00:40:50,039
I have maggots in my scrotum.
Can you tell?
660
00:40:51,310 --> 00:40:53,553
Well, uh, you, you should
probably see the doctor.
661
00:40:53,588 --> 00:40:55,039
I am the doctor.
662
00:40:56,864 --> 00:41:00,762
Just calm down, calm down!
I got this.
663
00:41:00,797 --> 00:41:05,235
Ladies and gentlemen,
we would like to tell you all
664
00:41:05,270 --> 00:41:07,041
about a very special book.
665
00:41:07,042 --> 00:41:09,173
Eh, what kind of book?
666
00:41:10,015 --> 00:41:15,364
Well, this book tells you how
to find Paradise... through Christ.
667
00:41:16,439 --> 00:41:19,505
They've heard of the
Bible. We all have.
668
00:41:19,540 --> 00:41:23,013
Banbanchelfi.
Hey girl.
669
00:41:26,906 --> 00:41:29,701
People come and tell us
about Jesus and him
670
00:41:29,736 --> 00:41:31,767
dying for our sins
once a year.
671
00:41:32,014 --> 00:41:34,884
They always come, tell us
the story, and leave!
672
00:41:34,919 --> 00:41:37,965
Nothing is better!
Your Bible doesn't work.
673
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:40,639
Well of course that didn't work.
674
00:41:40,674 --> 00:41:45,302
Those were Christian
missionaries. We're Mormons.
675
00:41:46,031 --> 00:41:47,453
What's the difference?
676
00:41:50,818 --> 00:41:53,802
We've got a little more...
pizzazz.
677
00:41:55,035 --> 00:41:56,992
A touch more rock 'n' roll.
678
00:41:58,510 --> 00:42:04,078
And most important, a hip new
prophet by the name of Joseph Smith.
679
00:42:07,738 --> 00:42:11,906
Have you heard of the
All-American Prophet?
680
00:42:11,941 --> 00:42:15,856
The blond-haired,
blue-eyed voice of God?
681
00:42:15,891 --> 00:42:20,230
He didn't come from the Middle
East like those other holy men,
682
00:42:20,265 --> 00:42:24,774
The most blessed Prophet
was All-American!
683
00:42:25,787 --> 00:42:29,998
I'm gonna take you back
to Biblical times. 1823.
684
00:42:30,033 --> 00:42:32,076
An American man named
Joe livin' on a farm
685
00:42:32,111 --> 00:42:34,489
In the holy land of
upstate New York!
686
00:42:34,524 --> 00:42:37,026
You mean the Mormon
prophet Joseph Smith?
687
00:42:37,027 --> 00:42:38,989
That's right! That young
man spoke to God!
688
00:42:39,024 --> 00:42:40,033
He spoke to God?
689
00:42:40,068 --> 00:42:43,693
And God said "Joe, people really need
to know that the Bible isn't two parts!
690
00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:46,005
There's a part three
to The Bible, Joe!
691
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:49,388
And I, God, have anointed you
to dig up this part three
692
00:42:49,423 --> 00:42:51,968
that's buried by a tree
on a hill in your backyard!"
693
00:42:52,003 --> 00:42:54,826
Wow! God says go to your
backyard and start digging!
694
00:42:54,861 --> 00:42:56,590
That makes perfect sense!
695
00:42:56,625 --> 00:43:00,785
Joseph Smith went up on that
hill and dug where he was told!
696
00:43:00,820 --> 00:43:04,819
And deep in the ground Joseph
found shining plates of gold!
697
00:43:04,854 --> 00:43:09,095
What are these golden plates?
Who buried them here and why?
698
00:43:09,130 --> 00:43:13,192
Then appeared an angel:
His name was Moroni!
699
00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:17,908
I... am Moroni.
700
00:43:17,943 --> 00:43:20,914
The All-American angel!
701
00:43:21,046 --> 00:43:24,259
My people lived here
long, long ago!
702
00:43:24,924 --> 00:43:29,301
This is a history of my race,
please read the words within
703
00:43:29,336 --> 00:43:33,954
We were Jews who met with Christ,
but we were All-American!
704
00:43:35,346 --> 00:43:40,532
But don't let anybody see
these plates except for you...
705
00:43:40,567 --> 00:43:43,888
They are only for you to see...
706
00:43:43,923 --> 00:43:48,357
Even if people ask you
to show the plates to them, don't
707
00:43:48,392 --> 00:43:52,021
Just copy them onto normal paper
708
00:43:52,577 --> 00:43:53,664
Even though this
might make them
709
00:43:53,665 --> 00:43:57,113
question if the plates
are real or not...
710
00:43:57,148 --> 00:44:01,358
This is sort of what
God is going for...
711
00:44:02,049 --> 00:44:05,930
Joseph took the plates home and
wrote down what he found inside
712
00:44:05,965 --> 00:44:09,748
He turned those plates into a book,
Then he rushed into town and cried:
713
00:44:09,749 --> 00:44:14,166
Hey! God spoke to me and gave me
this blessed ancient tome
714
00:44:14,201 --> 00:44:18,291
He has commanded me to publish it
And stick it in ev'ry home!
715
00:44:18,748 --> 00:44:22,087
Wow! So the Bible
is actually a trilogy
716
00:44:22,122 --> 00:44:24,286
and the Book of Mormon
is Return of the Jedi?!
717
00:44:24,321 --> 00:44:25,985
I'm interested!
718
00:44:26,717 --> 00:44:30,269
Now many people didn't believe
the prophet Joseph Smith.
719
00:44:30,304 --> 00:44:33,432
They thought he made up this
part three that was buried by a tree
720
00:44:33,467 --> 00:44:35,041
on the hill in his backyard.
721
00:44:35,076 --> 00:44:37,803
Many people even called Joseph
Smith a liar.
722
00:44:38,491 --> 00:44:39,837
So Joe said,
723
00:44:39,872 --> 00:44:42,395
This is no lie, I speak to God
all the time and he told me
724
00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:45,766
to head west! So I'll take my part
three from the hill with the tree
725
00:44:45,801 --> 00:44:49,077
Feel free if you'd like to come
along with me to the promised land!
726
00:44:50,046 --> 00:44:51,939
Paradise, on the west coast!
727
00:44:51,940 --> 00:44:55,609
Nothing but fruit and fields
as far as the eye can see!
728
00:44:55,727 --> 00:44:59,245
Joe led his followers
across the USA
729
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:03,164
Spreading their new religion
to folks along the way
730
00:45:03,199 --> 00:45:07,496
They kept searching for that promised
land, no promise there would be.
731
00:45:07,531 --> 00:45:11,668
And as they passed through every
town, the Mormons would decree!
732
00:45:11,703 --> 00:45:15,656
Have you heard of the
All-American prophet?
733
00:45:15,691 --> 00:45:19,749
He found a brand-new
book about Jesus Christ!
734
00:45:19,784 --> 00:45:24,248
We're following him to
Paradise, we call ourselves Mormon
735
00:45:24,283 --> 00:45:29,206
And our new religion
is All-American!
736
00:45:29,241 --> 00:45:31,798
Wow, this all sounds
so incredibly awesome!
737
00:45:31,833 --> 00:45:35,377
The Mormons kept on searching
for that place to settle down
738
00:45:35,412 --> 00:45:39,511
But every time they thought they
found it they got kicked out of town
739
00:45:39,546 --> 00:45:43,942
And even though people
wanted to see the golden plates
740
00:45:43,977 --> 00:45:46,260
Joseph never showed 'em!
741
00:45:46,295 --> 00:45:48,506
I...
742
00:45:48,507 --> 00:45:55,162
...have maggots in my scrotum
743
00:46:02,148 --> 00:46:04,378
Um... okay...
744
00:46:05,337 --> 00:46:06,638
Well, anyway...
745
00:46:06,673 --> 00:46:11,944
Now comes the part of our story
That gets a little bit sad
746
00:46:11,979 --> 00:46:17,452
On the way to the promised land,
Mormons made people mad
747
00:46:18,466 --> 00:46:24,017
Joseph was shot by an angry mob
And knew he'd soon be dead
748
00:46:24,378 --> 00:46:30,635
And even as his life drained away,
he stood by what he said:
749
00:46:32,076 --> 00:46:37,828
You must now lead the people,
my good friend Brigham Young
750
00:46:37,863 --> 00:46:45,494
You're wise and pure of
heart, and... all-Ameri... can
751
00:46:48,593 --> 00:46:53,646
Oh God,
Why are you letting me die
752
00:46:53,681 --> 00:46:57,072
Without having me
show people the plates?
753
00:46:57,107 --> 00:47:00,909
They'll have no proof I was
telling the truth or not
754
00:47:00,944 --> 00:47:05,368
They'll have to believe
me just... 'cause
755
00:47:06,881 --> 00:47:13,881
Oh... I guess that's kinda
what you were going for...
756
00:47:16,283 --> 00:47:20,034
The prophet Joseph Smith died
for what he believed in.
757
00:47:20,069 --> 00:47:23,182
But his followers,
they kept heading west.
758
00:47:23,217 --> 00:47:25,870
And Brigham Young
led them to paradise.
759
00:47:25,905 --> 00:47:29,797
A sparkling land in Utah
they called Salt Lake City.
760
00:47:29,951 --> 00:47:32,425
And we come from
there today to tell you
761
00:47:32,426 --> 00:47:36,298
what those early settlers
sang long ago!
762
00:47:37,370 --> 00:47:41,783
Have you heard of the
All-American Church
763
00:47:41,818 --> 00:47:45,790
Here's a pocket hand-held
Bible for you!
764
00:47:46,113 --> 00:47:48,206
It'll all make sense
if you read Part 3,
765
00:47:48,241 --> 00:47:50,158
so follow those books
from the hill with the tree!
766
00:47:51,023 --> 00:47:57,385
And you'll reach
the promised land too!
767
00:47:58,702 --> 00:48:02,772
Keep you word and then we'll also
throw in a set of steak knives!
768
00:48:02,807 --> 00:48:04,561
All-American!
769
00:48:17,765 --> 00:48:21,676
So? Who would like their very
own copy of the Book of Mormon?
770
00:48:22,293 --> 00:48:24,414
What the fuck is a steak knife?
771
00:48:29,140 --> 00:48:30,556
What the heck were you doing?!
772
00:48:30,591 --> 00:48:33,029
Just doing my part, you know,
'cause we're supposed to be a team.
773
00:48:33,064 --> 00:48:36,128
Well... there's nothing in the
Book of Mormon about steak knives!
774
00:48:36,858 --> 00:48:39,816
I'm sorry. I've never
actually read it.
775
00:48:39,817 --> 00:48:41,265
You what?
776
00:48:41,300 --> 00:48:44,356
It's... it's just
so boring!
777
00:48:44,356 --> 00:48:47,502
How could I even
believe that you...?
778
00:48:47,503 --> 00:48:48,831
JUMAMOSI!
779
00:48:50,414 --> 00:48:51,930
He's here!
780
00:48:57,046 --> 00:49:00,926
What is this?! Some kind
of public assembly?!
781
00:49:05,849 --> 00:49:13,190
My name is General Koni, leader
of the NRA Rebellion and protector!
782
00:49:13,225 --> 00:49:15,479
Here you don't protect anyone!
783
00:49:16,043 --> 00:49:18,286
We have not signed up
for your rebellion!
784
00:49:18,321 --> 00:49:21,910
It is just a gang of thugs who steal
and mutilate women for no reason!
785
00:49:21,911 --> 00:49:22,992
For no reason?!
786
00:49:27,028 --> 00:49:33,329
The clitoris... is an abomination!
Its voodoo power...
787
00:49:33,364 --> 00:49:36,871
...has brought a wrath upon
Uganda and it must be cast out!
788
00:49:36,906 --> 00:49:41,625
My wife's body is none of your
business! And you are no general.
789
00:49:42,914 --> 00:49:48,622
By the end of the week, all females
in this village will be circumcised!
790
00:49:49,831 --> 00:49:51,827
Or else...
791
00:50:04,798 --> 00:50:06,781
All right, they're all gone.
792
00:50:06,816 --> 00:50:08,913
You have to stay indoors,
Nabulungi!
793
00:50:08,948 --> 00:50:10,682
Keep the lights off,
and the windows closed!
794
00:50:10,717 --> 00:50:13,528
But Baba, we have to
help and fight him!
795
00:50:13,563 --> 00:50:15,658
We can't fight against
this, Nabulungi!
796
00:50:15,693 --> 00:50:17,100
We just have to
hope they move on!
797
00:50:17,135 --> 00:50:20,421
- But Baba... they white boys...
- What?
798
00:50:20,422 --> 00:50:22,851
They said they know
the answers to our problems.
799
00:50:22,886 --> 00:50:23,965
I have to go check
on the others!
800
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:25,342
Listen to me, Baba!
801
00:50:25,377 --> 00:50:28,470
The Mormons talked about people
who were miserable like us,
802
00:50:28,505 --> 00:50:33,035
but they all found someplace to go.
Somewhere wonderful.
803
00:50:33,070 --> 00:50:36,072
I'm going to text them right now
and tell them we are interested.
804
00:50:36,677 --> 00:50:39,022
Put that stupid thing down!
805
00:50:40,116 --> 00:50:44,381
Just stay inside, and do not
open the door for anyone!
806
00:50:56,821 --> 00:51:05,790
My mother once told me of a place
With waterfalls and unicorns flying
807
00:51:05,825 --> 00:51:09,034
Where there was no
suffering, no pain
808
00:51:09,069 --> 00:51:13,667
Where there was laughter
instead of dying
809
00:51:13,702 --> 00:51:21,046
I always thought she’d made it up
To comfort me in times of pain
810
00:51:21,081 --> 00:51:29,336
But now I know that place is real
Now I know its name
811
00:51:29,371 --> 00:51:36,392
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
Not just a story mama told
812
00:51:36,427 --> 00:51:44,641
But a village in Ootah
Where the roofs are thatched with gold
813
00:51:44,676 --> 00:51:51,934
If I could let myself believe
I know just where I’d be
814
00:51:51,969 --> 00:52:01,471
Right on the next bus to paradise:
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
815
00:52:03,519 --> 00:52:09,912
I can imagine what it must be like
This perfect, happy place
816
00:52:09,913 --> 00:52:13,446
I’ll bet the goat
meat there is plentiful,
817
00:52:13,481 --> 00:52:17,300
And they have vitamin
injections by the case
818
00:52:17,335 --> 00:52:24,188
The warlords there are friendly
They help you cross the street
819
00:52:24,223 --> 00:52:27,833
And there’s a Red Cross
on every corner
820
00:52:27,868 --> 00:52:32,059
With all the flour you can eat!
821
00:52:32,094 --> 00:52:38,567
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
The most perfect place on Earth
822
00:52:38,602 --> 00:52:46,210
Where flies don’t bite your eyeballs
And human life has worth
823
00:52:46,245 --> 00:52:53,405
It isn’t a place of fairy tales
It’s as real as it can be
824
00:52:53,440 --> 00:53:04,129
A land where evil doesn’t exist
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
825
00:53:04,164 --> 00:53:07,871
And I'll bet the weather
is nice there
826
00:53:07,906 --> 00:53:11,477
And I'm sure the
streets are clean
827
00:53:11,512 --> 00:53:19,435
And I hope that when I get there
I’ll be able to fit in...
828
00:53:19,470 --> 00:53:24,177
Will I fit in?
829
00:53:24,212 --> 00:53:31,145
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
A land of hope and joy
830
00:53:31,180 --> 00:53:40,067
And if I want to get there
I just have to follow that white boy
831
00:53:40,102 --> 00:53:50,969
You were right, mama, you didn’t lie
The place is real, and I’m gonna fly!
832
00:53:55,136 --> 00:53:58,382
I’m on my way
833
00:53:59,670 --> 00:54:04,538
Soon life won’t
be so... shitty
834
00:54:05,821 --> 00:54:10,078
Now salvation has a name
835
00:54:10,113 --> 00:54:21,215
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
836
00:54:45,793 --> 00:54:49,719
O. M. Gosh you guys,
I am freaking out!
837
00:54:49,754 --> 00:54:50,866
What is it?
838
00:54:50,901 --> 00:54:53,284
I just got off the phone
with the zone leader.
839
00:54:53,319 --> 00:54:58,590
The mission president wants a written
progress report from us this week!
840
00:54:58,625 --> 00:55:00,793
A progress report? But we
don't have any baptisms.
841
00:55:01,452 --> 00:55:04,235
I know that! What are
we gonna do?!
842
00:55:04,270 --> 00:55:07,454
Okay okay okay!
Hold on!
843
00:55:07,489 --> 00:55:11,529
I mean, maybe we should just...
say... we had some baptisms.
844
00:55:12,099 --> 00:55:13,790
What? You mean, lie?
845
00:55:13,791 --> 00:55:15,463
Well...
846
00:55:15,464 --> 00:55:17,935
Are you an idiot?!
Mormons don't lie!
847
00:55:17,970 --> 00:55:19,405
I once told a lie
when I was 12
848
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:20,941
and I had a dream
that I went to Hell!
849
00:55:21,294 --> 00:55:22,747
It was really spooky.
850
00:55:22,782 --> 00:55:24,493
You did? I got the
worst hell dreams
851
00:55:24,494 --> 00:55:26,000
after the day that
my sister died.
852
00:55:26,035 --> 00:55:27,727
You guys have the
hell dreams too?
853
00:55:27,762 --> 00:55:30,882
Look, we've all had
the Spooky Hell Dream, people.
854
00:55:31,248 --> 00:55:32,808
I have it nightly.
855
00:55:34,224 --> 00:55:35,673
The issue now is
what the heck
856
00:55:35,708 --> 00:55:37,857
am I supposed to tell
the Mission President!
857
00:55:39,329 --> 00:55:42,156
Elder Price?
What happened to you?!
858
00:55:43,530 --> 00:55:47,617
Africa... is nothing
like The Lion King!
859
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:52,232
I think that movie took
a lot of artistic license!
860
00:55:53,209 --> 00:55:56,591
He's upset because we just saw
some guy get shot in the face.
861
00:56:01,223 --> 00:56:03,302
I can't continue my
mission in this way!
862
00:56:03,632 --> 00:56:06,069
There's absolutely nothing
I can accomplish here!
863
00:56:06,104 --> 00:56:09,346
Elder Price, you cannot lose
your cool on me now!
864
00:56:09,381 --> 00:56:12,444
We're about to get evaluated
by the Mission President!
865
00:56:12,754 --> 00:56:13,911
The Mission President...
866
00:56:13,946 --> 00:56:15,549
That's it, I need
to go talk to the
867
00:56:15,584 --> 00:56:17,420
Mission President and
get transferred!
868
00:56:17,455 --> 00:56:18,667
Buddy!
869
00:56:18,702 --> 00:56:22,918
Buddy, I know things seem
tough right now,
870
00:56:22,953 --> 00:56:27,734
but remember, tomorrow
is a Latter Day!
871
00:56:27,769 --> 00:56:28,732
Yeah!
872
00:56:28,767 --> 00:56:31,502
Latter Day doesn't
mean tomorrow!
873
00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:36,327
It means the afterlife!
Reckoning!
874
00:56:36,362 --> 00:56:40,386
Latter Day, when good people
get to go to Heavenly Father
875
00:56:40,421 --> 00:56:42,160
and they get everything
they've always wanted!
876
00:56:43,104 --> 00:56:44,262
I'm out of here!
877
00:56:44,297 --> 00:56:48,803
Hey, hey! Are you
forgetting Rule Number 23?!
878
00:56:48,838 --> 00:56:53,011
You may not... leave the
living quarters after 9 pm!
879
00:56:54,454 --> 00:56:56,421
To heck with the rules!
880
00:56:56,456 --> 00:56:59,178
I'm not wasting the most
important two years of my life!
881
00:56:59,213 --> 00:57:01,085
Hey uh...
Hold up, you forgot me!
882
00:57:01,120 --> 00:57:06,465
Elder Cunningham! Do you also
want to break Rule Number 23?
883
00:57:06,602 --> 00:57:09,474
Oh no! What am I
supposed to do?
884
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:13,131
According to Rule Number 23, I can't
leave the living quarters after curfew!
885
00:57:13,166 --> 00:57:16,680
But according to Rule Number 72
I can't leave my companion alone!
886
00:57:16,715 --> 00:57:19,561
This is like a Matrix logic trick!
887
00:57:19,596 --> 00:57:23,358
Rule 23, Rule 72, Rule 23...
888
00:57:23,359 --> 00:57:25,324
I CAN'T SEE!
889
00:57:33,788 --> 00:57:36,155
It's been a thing
since I was a kid.
890
00:57:36,948 --> 00:57:40,372
I'm sorry guys,
he's my best friend!
891
00:57:49,189 --> 00:57:49,909
Hey, come on!
892
00:57:49,910 --> 00:57:51,658
We're supposed to be
together at all times!
893
00:57:51,693 --> 00:57:53,867
I can't do something
incredible here!
894
00:57:53,902 --> 00:57:59,786
Okay! Stop, breathe, think!
This isn't what you want to do.
895
00:57:59,821 --> 00:58:00,478
Yes it is!
896
00:58:00,513 --> 00:58:03,426
Okay! Uhhh, right.
897
00:58:04,055 --> 00:58:07,526
If that's what you want to do,
then that's what we're doin'.
898
00:58:07,561 --> 00:58:08,994
We're transferring.
I'm with you-
899
00:58:09,029 --> 00:58:11,186
I didn't say we're
transferring!
900
00:58:11,221 --> 00:58:12,833
I said I am.
901
00:58:13,407 --> 00:58:14,284
Oh I see...
902
00:58:14,785 --> 00:58:17,343
Look, you and me, we're s- not
that compatible, alright?
903
00:58:17,937 --> 00:58:20,031
Well we only became best
friends a few days ago. May-
904
00:58:20,066 --> 00:58:22,050
And I'm not your best friend!
905
00:58:22,085 --> 00:58:24,906
I just got stuck with you by the
missionary training center!
906
00:58:31,862 --> 00:58:34,038
I didn't mean to...
I didn't mean to say "stuck"...
907
00:58:36,511 --> 00:58:37,390
It's just that-
908
00:58:37,425 --> 00:58:38,884
Eh, yeah, yeah,
it's fine.
909
00:58:38,919 --> 00:58:42,132
It's, it's alright.
I know how it goes.
910
00:58:42,167 --> 00:58:45,962
It's really fine.
I'll be, I'll be totally fine.
911
00:58:45,997 --> 00:58:48,767
Yes! Yes, you will be fine.
912
00:58:49,590 --> 00:58:52,986
It's just that we...
need um... different things.
913
00:58:52,987 --> 00:58:53,883
- Right.
- You know?
914
00:58:53,884 --> 00:58:56,164
Right, just... different
things is all.
915
00:59:00,963 --> 00:59:02,577
It was really nice
meeting you.
916
00:59:02,612 --> 00:59:06,556
Yeah... You too.
Take it easy.
917
00:59:13,966 --> 00:59:20,438
Evening star shines brightly
God makes life anew
918
00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:30,391
Sleep now, tighty night
I was there for you
919
00:59:33,105 --> 00:59:37,817
There you are! Thank goodness
I found you. Where is your friend?
920
00:59:37,852 --> 00:59:40,243
Uh, I don't have any friends.
921
00:59:40,278 --> 00:59:42,729
No! I have written
Elder Price a text.
922
00:59:42,764 --> 00:59:46,955
Here. It says to please come
back to the village. We are ready.
923
00:59:47,517 --> 00:59:48,566
To do what?
924
00:59:48,849 --> 00:59:50,730
To listen to him.
925
00:59:50,765 --> 00:59:54,007
I texted everyone that we have
to give Elder Price a chance.
926
00:59:55,344 --> 00:59:58,462
Well I'm sorry, he's
requested a transfer.
927
01:00:00,556 --> 01:00:02,225
What is a transfer?
928
01:00:02,873 --> 01:00:05,502
That means he'll be
sent somewhere else.
929
01:00:06,028 --> 01:00:09,790
No, he can't leave.
We are ready to listen.
930
01:00:10,012 --> 01:00:13,316
It's too late. He's already
made up his mind.
931
01:00:20,665 --> 01:00:22,741
What about you?
932
01:00:24,026 --> 01:00:25,974
Me? What?
933
01:00:26,009 --> 01:00:29,343
He is gone, but you are
still here.
934
01:00:29,378 --> 01:00:30,676
You will lead us!
935
01:00:30,711 --> 01:00:33,342
Teach us everything about
what is in the Book of Mormon!
936
01:00:34,260 --> 01:00:35,442
Me?
937
01:00:35,988 --> 01:00:41,022
Nooo! Noohoho!
938
01:00:41,476 --> 01:00:43,189
I'm a follower.
939
01:00:43,290 --> 01:00:45,295
Everyone's waiting.
940
01:00:45,366 --> 01:00:49,077
Come back to the village and
you will have your listeners.
941
01:00:49,112 --> 01:00:50,824
I swear it.
942
01:00:57,917 --> 01:01:04,056
What did Jesus do
When they sentenced him to die?
943
01:01:04,091 --> 01:01:10,428
Did he try to run away?
Did he just break down and cry?
944
01:01:10,463 --> 01:01:16,343
No, Jesus dug down deep,
knowing what he had to do
945
01:01:16,378 --> 01:01:23,469
When faced with his own death,
Jesus knew that he had to...
946
01:01:23,702 --> 01:01:27,782
Man up
He had to man up
947
01:01:28,034 --> 01:01:31,860
So he crawled up on that cross,
and he stuck it out
948
01:01:31,895 --> 01:01:36,106
And he manned up
Christ, he manned up
949
01:01:36,141 --> 01:01:42,768
And taught us all
what real manning up is about
950
01:01:44,704 --> 01:01:48,425
And now it's up to me,
and it's time to man up
951
01:01:48,460 --> 01:01:51,941
Jesus had his time to,
now it's mine to man up
952
01:01:51,976 --> 01:01:55,310
I'm taking the reins,
I'm crossing the bear
953
01:01:55,345 --> 01:01:58,667
And just like Jesus,
I'm growing a pair!
954
01:01:58,702 --> 01:02:02,034
I've gotta stand up,
can't just clam up
955
01:02:02,069 --> 01:02:07,188
It's time to man up!
956
01:02:08,416 --> 01:02:12,184
'Cause there's a time in your life
when you know you've got to man up
957
01:02:12,219 --> 01:02:15,595
Don't let it pass you by
There's just one time to man up
958
01:02:15,630 --> 01:02:18,992
Watch me man up
like nobody else!
959
01:02:19,027 --> 01:02:22,369
I'm gonna man up
all over myself!
960
01:02:22,404 --> 01:02:28,433
I've got to get ready
It's time to, time to...
961
01:02:28,772 --> 01:02:32,338
What did Jesus do when they
put nails through his hands?
962
01:02:32,373 --> 01:02:35,724
Did he scream like a girl,
or did he take it like a man?
963
01:02:35,759 --> 01:02:39,245
When someone had to die
to save us from our sins,
964
01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:43,690
Jesus said, "I'll do it,"
and he took it on the chin!
965
01:02:44,502 --> 01:02:48,699
He manned up, and manned up
966
01:02:48,734 --> 01:02:54,914
He took a bullet for me and you
That's man up, real man up
967
01:02:54,949 --> 01:02:59,949
And now it's my time to do it too!
968
01:03:00,391 --> 01:03:03,747
Time to be a hero
and slay the monster!
969
01:03:03,782 --> 01:03:07,182
Time to battle darkness
You're not my father!
970
01:03:07,217 --> 01:03:10,497
I'm gonna time to,
just watch me go!
971
01:03:10,532 --> 01:03:13,907
Time to stand up
and steal the show!
972
01:03:13,942 --> 01:03:20,894
Time to, time to, time to,
time to, time to...
973
01:03:20,929 --> 01:03:25,965
Sal Tlay Ka Siti,
a place of hope and joy
974
01:03:26,000 --> 01:03:27,040
To man up!
975
01:03:27,075 --> 01:03:33,238
And if we want to go there, we
just have to follow that white boy
976
01:03:33,273 --> 01:03:34,214
Time to!
977
01:03:34,249 --> 01:03:38,268
Heavenly Father,
why do you let bad things happen?
978
01:03:38,303 --> 01:03:40,421
- Ka-lay-ka Siti!
- Did you get my text?
979
01:03:40,903 --> 01:03:44,654
I can't believe all the terrible
things you let happen!
980
01:03:44,689 --> 01:03:46,616
Ka-lay-ka Siti,
we got your text!
981
01:03:46,651 --> 01:03:49,485
I don't belong in a place
like this! (Man up!)
982
01:03:49,775 --> 01:03:52,472
Take me back to
where things make sense!
983
01:03:52,507 --> 01:03:58,455
A place I know where God exists:
Orlando!
984
01:03:58,490 --> 01:04:00,490
Orlando!
985
01:04:00,525 --> 01:04:03,255
We will listen to
the fat white guy!
986
01:04:03,290 --> 01:04:05,743
My time to, time to
Now it's my time to, time to!
987
01:04:05,778 --> 01:04:07,811
But Hasa Diga Eebowai!
988
01:04:07,846 --> 01:04:10,295
No time to, not time to
Now it's time to, time to!
989
01:04:11,221 --> 01:04:14,223
I'm in the lead
for the very first time!
990
01:04:14,258 --> 01:04:17,044
I'm home with the people
to show me ta-
991
01:04:17,079 --> 01:04:17,774
Mine to!
992
01:04:17,809 --> 01:04:20,829
I've got to stand up,
get my flippin' can up
993
01:04:20,864 --> 01:04:24,229
It's time to, time to!
994
01:04:24,264 --> 01:04:28,859
Man up!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
995
01:04:29,147 --> 01:04:32,401
Orlando!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
996
01:04:32,740 --> 01:04:34,726
Man up!
Orlando!
997
01:04:39,165 --> 01:04:40,343
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
Sal Tlay...
998
01:04:40,743 --> 01:04:43,069
It is time to...
999
01:04:43,319 --> 01:04:47,754
I have maggots in my scrotum!
1000
01:05:32,091 --> 01:05:36,016
Indeed, it came to pass that
the prophet Joseph Smith
1001
01:05:36,051 --> 01:05:39,370
discovered the Book of Mormon
on golden plates.
1002
01:05:39,405 --> 01:05:42,598
But what exactly
is the Book of Mormon about?
1003
01:05:42,633 --> 01:05:47,172
It tells of two Hebrew tribes
that walked in ancient America.
1004
01:05:47,559 --> 01:05:54,599
The gentle Nephites,
and the wicked Lamanites.
1005
01:05:55,361 --> 01:05:57,650
They fought many great battles,
1006
01:05:57,685 --> 01:06:02,285
but then, just after his
crucifixion, Christ appeared.
1007
01:06:04,511 --> 01:06:06,459
I... am Jesus.
1008
01:06:06,494 --> 01:06:10,306
I've just been crucified
on the other side of the world.
1009
01:06:11,628 --> 01:06:15,543
I only have three days
before I am resurrected,
1010
01:06:15,578 --> 01:06:19,822
but in that time I will
preach here to you in America.
1011
01:06:20,599 --> 01:06:23,155
And lo, Christ spoke
of many things,
1012
01:06:23,190 --> 01:06:24,853
and the Nephites came forth
1013
01:06:24,888 --> 01:06:27,218
and wrote the teachings
on plates of gold.
1014
01:06:27,253 --> 01:06:30,212
Plates that became
the Book of Mormon,
1015
01:06:30,247 --> 01:06:36,657
a book that is still today read by
missionaries all over the world!
1016
01:06:41,714 --> 01:06:45,751
And it came to pass that
the Nephites did gather together
1017
01:06:45,786 --> 01:06:50,224
a great number of men, even to
exceed the number of 30,000.
1018
01:06:50,259 --> 01:06:50,628
Uh...
1019
01:06:53,305 --> 01:06:56,139
And it came to pass that,
in the same year,
1020
01:06:56,174 --> 01:06:58,850
they had a number of battles
in which the Nephites...
1021
01:06:58,885 --> 01:07:02,109
...did beat the Lamanites
and did slay many of them.
1022
01:07:03,926 --> 01:07:06,055
And what the fuck does that mean?
1023
01:07:06,090 --> 01:07:06,913
It means, you know,
1024
01:07:07,775 --> 01:07:10,493
you should be nice to each other,
or s- or something.
1025
01:07:10,528 --> 01:07:15,120
And lo! The LORD was so displeased
with the Lamanites that he caused
1026
01:07:15,155 --> 01:07:17,235
a cursing to come upon them.
1027
01:07:17,270 --> 01:07:21,414
And wherefore as they were white
and delightsome, the LORD God
1028
01:07:21,449 --> 01:07:25,647
did cause a skin of blackness
to come upon them, and God said-
1029
01:07:25,682 --> 01:07:32,885
Uh... Nev- mi-, never mind,
let's, let's forget that part.
1030
01:07:34,236 --> 01:07:36,383
How is this supposed to
make things better for us?
1031
01:07:36,418 --> 01:07:38,386
The general is
going to come back,
1032
01:07:38,421 --> 01:07:40,431
and if he sees us here,
we are all dead!
1033
01:07:40,466 --> 01:07:43,884
Baba, please!
We just need to listen.
1034
01:07:43,919 --> 01:07:44,953
To what?!
1035
01:07:44,988 --> 01:07:47,830
Three hours we've been listening
to him talk about stupid shit
1036
01:07:47,865 --> 01:07:49,260
that happened on
the other side of the Earth
1037
01:07:49,295 --> 01:07:52,452
thousands of years ago!
It has nothing to do with us.
1038
01:07:52,487 --> 01:07:53,620
Yeah! And those Nephites
1039
01:07:53,655 --> 01:07:55,825
probably didn't even have AIDS
to deal with!
1040
01:07:56,969 --> 01:07:59,738
Uh?! Sure they did!
Sure they did!
1041
01:07:59,773 --> 01:08:02,260
Back then people
had even worse AIDS!
1042
01:08:06,230 --> 01:08:11,176
Yeah! And lo, the LORD
said unto the Nephites:
1043
01:08:11,211 --> 01:08:14,117
"I know you're really depressed,
what with all your AIDS,
1044
01:08:14,152 --> 01:08:21,188
and everything, but there's
an answer in Christ."
1045
01:08:22,910 --> 01:08:26,592
You see?
This book can help us.
1046
01:08:27,838 --> 01:08:30,271
I just told a lie...
1047
01:08:31,565 --> 01:08:34,026
No wait, I didn't lie,
1048
01:08:34,061 --> 01:08:38,396
I just used my imagination
1049
01:08:38,431 --> 01:08:39,823
And it worked!
1050
01:08:40,644 --> 01:08:43,403
You're making things up
again, Arnold
1051
01:08:43,438 --> 01:08:44,434
But it worked, Dad!
1052
01:08:44,443 --> 01:08:47,477
You're stretching
the truth again and you know it
1053
01:08:47,512 --> 01:08:49,890
Don't be a
fibbing Fran, Arnold
1054
01:08:50,326 --> 01:08:50,734
Joseph Smith?
1055
01:08:51,142 --> 01:08:52,832
Because a lie is a lie
1056
01:08:52,994 --> 01:08:54,169
It's not a lie!
1057
01:08:54,876 --> 01:08:56,807
You're making things up
again, Arnold
1058
01:08:56,842 --> 01:08:58,003
Oh conscience!
1059
01:08:58,038 --> 01:09:00,854
You're taking the Holy Word
and adding fiction
1060
01:09:00,889 --> 01:09:04,068
Be careful
how you proceed, Arnold
1061
01:09:04,103 --> 01:09:08,196
When you fib,
there's a price
1062
01:09:08,231 --> 01:09:10,349
Ah, this is bullshit!
1063
01:09:10,384 --> 01:09:13,612
The story that I have been told
is that the way to cure AIDS
1064
01:09:13,647 --> 01:09:15,631
is by sleeping with a virgin!
1065
01:09:16,210 --> 01:09:18,254
Ah, I'm going to go
and rape a baby.
1066
01:09:18,289 --> 01:09:20,514
WHAT? OH MY, NO!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT! NO!
1067
01:09:20,830 --> 01:09:21,156
Why not?!
1068
01:09:21,605 --> 01:09:23,446
Because that is definitely
against God's will!
1069
01:09:23,481 --> 01:09:24,453
Says who?!
1070
01:09:24,488 --> 01:09:26,992
Where in that book of yours
does it say anything about
1071
01:09:27,027 --> 01:09:30,376
sleeping with a baby?!
Huh?! Nowhere!
1072
01:09:31,901 --> 01:09:33,585
Uh, behold!
1073
01:09:33,921 --> 01:09:36,212
The LORD said to the Mormon
prophet Joseph Smith,
1074
01:09:36,247 --> 01:09:39,421
"You shall NOT have sex
with that infant!"
1075
01:09:42,171 --> 01:09:47,522
And lo Joseph said,
"Why not, LORD? Huh? Why not?"
1076
01:09:47,557 --> 01:09:48,763
And the LORD said,
1077
01:09:48,798 --> 01:09:52,850
"if you lay with
that infant, you shall...
1078
01:09:52,885 --> 01:09:57,060
burn in the
fiery pits of... Mordor!”
1079
01:10:00,393 --> 01:10:01,485
Really?
1080
01:10:01,520 --> 01:10:04,634
Uh huh... Uh huh.
1081
01:10:04,669 --> 01:10:08,016
"A baby cannot cure your illness,
Joseph Smith. I shall give unto
1082
01:10:08,051 --> 01:10:12,968
you a... a FROG." And thus,
Joseph laid with the frog,
1083
01:10:13,003 --> 01:10:15,522
and his AIDS was no more!
1084
01:10:16,025 --> 01:10:18,564
You're making
things up again, Arnold
1085
01:10:18,599 --> 01:10:22,617
You're recklessly
morphing the words of Jesus
1086
01:10:22,652 --> 01:10:24,652
You can't just say
what you want, Arnold
1087
01:10:25,117 --> 01:10:25,914
Come on, Hobbits!
1088
01:10:26,114 --> 01:10:28,952
You're digging yourself
a deep hole
1089
01:10:28,987 --> 01:10:32,024
I'm making things up again,
kind of,
1090
01:10:32,059 --> 01:10:35,309
But this time
it's helping a dozen people
1091
01:10:35,344 --> 01:10:38,373
It's nothing so bad,
because this time
1092
01:10:38,408 --> 01:10:41,764
I'm not committing a sin
just by making things up again!
1093
01:10:41,969 --> 01:10:43,007
- Right?
- No!
1094
01:10:43,406 --> 01:10:44,972
Elder Cunningham,
you have to stop him!
1095
01:10:45,263 --> 01:10:45,868
What? What is it?
1096
01:10:46,060 --> 01:10:48,587
Gotswana is going to
cut off his daughter's clitoris.
1097
01:10:48,729 --> 01:10:49,184
Huh?
1098
01:10:49,487 --> 01:10:51,959
This is all very interesting,
but the general said that
1099
01:10:51,994 --> 01:10:54,663
it is because our women
aren't circumcised that God
1100
01:10:54,698 --> 01:10:56,293
has brought this wrath upon us!
1101
01:10:56,328 --> 01:10:59,250
No, doing that to a lady is
definitely against Christ's will!
1102
01:10:59,285 --> 01:11:00,495
How do you know?!
1103
01:11:00,530 --> 01:11:02,927
Christ never said nothin'
'bout no clitoris!
1104
01:11:02,962 --> 01:11:06,288
YES! YES HE DI-ID!
1105
01:11:07,786 --> 01:11:10,375
In ancient New York three men
were about to cut off
1106
01:11:10,410 --> 01:11:13,395
a Mormon woman's cli- toris.
1107
01:11:16,865 --> 01:11:19,030
But, right before they did,
Jesus had...
1108
01:11:19,065 --> 01:11:21,654
Boba Fett turn them into frogs!
1109
01:11:23,072 --> 01:11:25,142
Frogs?
1110
01:11:25,713 --> 01:11:28,841
You mean like the frog
that got fucked by Joseph Smith?
1111
01:11:29,640 --> 01:11:33,476
Riiight. Riiiight,
like those frogs.
1112
01:11:33,511 --> 01:11:38,122
For "a clitoris is holy
amongst all things," said He.
1113
01:11:38,493 --> 01:11:41,758
You're making things up again,
Arnold (We're learning the truth)
1114
01:11:41,793 --> 01:11:45,299
You're taking the Holy Word and
adding fiction (The truth about God!)
1115
01:11:45,334 --> 01:11:48,298
Be careful how you proceed,
Arnold (We're going to Paradise!)
1116
01:11:48,333 --> 01:11:51,168
When you fib, there's a price
1117
01:11:51,203 --> 01:11:54,525
Who would have thought
I'd have this magic touch?
1118
01:11:54,560 --> 01:11:57,866
Who'd have believed
I could man up this much?
1119
01:11:57,901 --> 01:12:01,030
I'm talkin', they're listenin',
My stories are glistenin',
1120
01:12:01,065 --> 01:12:03,434
I'm gonna save them all
with this stuff!
1121
01:12:04,373 --> 01:12:07,809
You're making things up again,
Arnold. (Elder Cunningham!)
1122
01:12:07,844 --> 01:12:10,947
You're making things up again,
Arnold. (Holy prophet man!)
1123
01:12:10,982 --> 01:12:14,109
You're making things up again,
Arnold. (Our savior!)
1124
01:12:14,801 --> 01:12:17,066
You're making
things up again...
1125
01:12:17,308 --> 01:12:20,808
Hmm, up again
making things you are
1126
01:12:22,983 --> 01:12:26,748
Arnold...
1127
01:12:36,562 --> 01:12:38,695
I'm here!
1128
01:12:40,990 --> 01:12:42,690
This is it!
1129
01:12:42,725 --> 01:12:47,229
I'm here!
1130
01:12:47,858 --> 01:12:50,346
Orlando!
1131
01:12:50,432 --> 01:12:54,116
Ah! It's even better than I
could've imagined!
1132
01:12:54,151 --> 01:12:58,452
The streets are clean,
the people are happy...
1133
01:12:59,356 --> 01:13:02,654
Epcot Center.
I can see the ball!
1134
01:13:03,833 --> 01:13:08,056
The funny thing is, I don't
really remember getting here.
1135
01:13:08,556 --> 01:13:12,353
Wait, this can't be Orlando.
1136
01:13:12,388 --> 01:13:15,482
I don't even remember
the plane landing.
1137
01:13:17,991 --> 01:13:21,954
What's happening to me?
Where am I?
1138
01:13:22,775 --> 01:13:25,796
Elder Price!
1139
01:13:25,831 --> 01:13:26,907
Who is that?!
1140
01:13:26,942 --> 01:13:33,150
You broke the rules, Elder!
Your soul belongs to me now!
1141
01:13:34,549 --> 01:13:36,463
Mickey?
1142
01:13:36,498 --> 01:13:42,866
Hahaha, think again, Minion!
You now dwell in eternal flame!
1143
01:13:43,974 --> 01:13:46,804
I remember this place!
1144
01:13:46,839 --> 01:13:50,305
Long ago when I was five
1145
01:13:50,340 --> 01:13:53,612
I snuck in the kitchen
late at night
1146
01:13:53,647 --> 01:13:57,607
And ate a doughnut
with a maple glaze
1147
01:14:00,235 --> 01:14:07,098
My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack
1148
01:14:07,133 --> 01:14:12,213
And Jack got grounded
for fourteen days
1149
01:14:12,817 --> 01:14:16,234
I've lived with that guilt
all of my life
1150
01:14:16,269 --> 01:14:20,879
And the terrible vision
that I had that night
1151
01:14:20,914 --> 01:14:25,042
No, please!
I don't wanna go back!
1152
01:14:26,708 --> 01:14:29,802
Down, down thy soul is cast!
1153
01:14:29,837 --> 01:14:32,813
From the Earth
whence forth ye fell!
1154
01:14:32,848 --> 01:14:38,782
The path of fire leads thee
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1155
01:14:38,817 --> 01:14:45,002
Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1156
01:14:45,037 --> 01:14:51,042
You are having
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!
1157
01:14:51,613 --> 01:14:54,863
And now I've gone
and done it again (Rectus!)
1158
01:14:54,898 --> 01:14:57,607
I committed another awful sin
(Dominus!)
1159
01:14:57,642 --> 01:15:02,087
I left my mission companion
all alone (Spookytus!)
1160
01:15:03,400 --> 01:15:06,859
Oh God, how could I
have done this to you? (Deus!)
1161
01:15:06,894 --> 01:15:09,952
How could I break Rule 72?
(Creepyus!)
1162
01:15:09,987 --> 01:15:13,209
And now my soul
hath just been thrown
1163
01:15:13,244 --> 01:15:15,341
Back into Spooky
Mormon Hell Dream!
1164
01:15:15,376 --> 01:15:21,343
Down, down to Satan's realm
See where you belong!
1165
01:15:21,378 --> 01:15:24,389
There is nothing you can do
1166
01:15:24,424 --> 01:15:27,885
No escape from Spooky
Mormon Hell Dream!
1167
01:15:27,920 --> 01:15:30,836
You blamed your brother
for eating the doughnut,
1168
01:15:30,871 --> 01:15:34,161
and now you walk out
on your mission companion?!
1169
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,027
You're a dick!
1170
01:15:36,731 --> 01:15:39,652
Jesus, I'm sorry!
1171
01:15:39,687 --> 01:15:45,815
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!
1172
01:15:45,850 --> 01:15:47,400
You remember Lucifer?!
1173
01:15:47,435 --> 01:15:48,885
He is even spookier!
1174
01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:57,379
HAAA HA HAAA! Bring him to meeee!
AAAAHAHAAAA!
1175
01:16:00,971 --> 01:16:04,052
Minions of Hades,
have you heard the news?
1176
01:16:04,087 --> 01:16:07,000
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
1177
01:16:07,035 --> 01:16:09,945
Now he's back with all you
Cath'lics and Jews!
1178
01:16:09,980 --> 01:16:13,019
It's super spooky-wooky!
1179
01:16:13,054 --> 01:16:15,735
I'm sorry, Lord,
it was selfish of me
1180
01:16:15,770 --> 01:16:18,848
To break the rules,
please I don't wanna be
1181
01:16:18,883 --> 01:16:22,218
In this Spooky
Mormon Hell Dream!
1182
01:16:22,253 --> 01:16:25,320
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1183
01:16:25,355 --> 01:16:31,423
Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer,
Hitler, Johnnie Cochran
1184
01:16:31,458 --> 01:16:37,578
Their spirits all surround you!
Spooky, spooky, spoooo-ky!
1185
01:16:37,613 --> 01:16:40,125
I started a war
und killed millions of Jews!
1186
01:16:40,160 --> 01:16:43,265
I slaughtered the Chinese!
1187
01:16:43,300 --> 01:16:46,171
I stabbed a guy
and fucked his corpse!
1188
01:16:46,771 --> 01:16:49,601
I got OJ free!
1189
01:16:49,636 --> 01:16:52,389
You think that's bad?
I broke Rule 72!
1190
01:16:52,424 --> 01:16:55,706
I left my companion
and I'm way worse than you!
1191
01:16:56,270 --> 01:16:58,827
I hate this
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1192
01:16:58,862 --> 01:17:01,878
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1193
01:17:01,913 --> 01:17:04,386
Oh, Heavenly Father!
1194
01:17:04,044 --> 01:17:06,167
Please give me one more chance!
1195
01:17:06,202 --> 01:17:08,988
I won't break the rules again!
1196
01:17:17,547 --> 01:17:21,271
No, no more! Please!
1197
01:17:21,306 --> 01:17:26,941
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
1198
01:17:41,357 --> 01:17:45,260
Dad! Dad! ARGH!
1199
01:18:04,489 --> 01:18:08,540
I can't believe
Jesus called me a dick!
1200
01:18:31,972 --> 01:18:40,114
Welcome, welcome
to Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1201
01:18:40,149 --> 01:18:46,974
You are never waking up
from Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
1202
01:18:47,095 --> 01:18:48,494
Oh, please help me Father!
(Down, down thy soul is cast)
1203
01:18:48,988 --> 01:18:50,463
Please let me wake up!
(From the Earth whence forth ye fell)
1204
01:18:51,075 --> 01:18:52,950
Give me one more chance!
(This must be it, you must be there)
1205
01:18:52,985 --> 01:18:55,883
I won't let you down again!
(In Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!)
1206
01:18:55,918 --> 01:19:01,154
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!
1207
01:19:26,529 --> 01:19:29,610
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream done!
1208
01:19:30,375 --> 01:19:32,391
I think he's coming to.
1209
01:19:33,734 --> 01:19:35,705
Come on, Elder Price.
Wake up, buddy.
1210
01:19:35,740 --> 01:19:36,615
Wait, what?!
Where am I?!
1211
01:19:36,895 --> 01:19:38,507
It looks like you passed out
at the bus station.
1212
01:19:38,542 --> 01:19:40,434
We were so worried!
1213
01:19:40,469 --> 01:19:41,766
Oh I'm, I'm sorry.
1214
01:19:41,770 --> 01:19:45,418
I'm sorry that I had a little,
uh meltdown, last night.
1215
01:19:45,453 --> 01:19:46,474
But I'm not leaving.
1216
01:19:46,509 --> 01:19:47,524
Oh, good, good.
1217
01:19:48,320 --> 01:19:53,522
Yeah, I realized...
that I was... That I was wrong,
1218
01:19:53,557 --> 01:19:55,586
and I'm gonna stay here
and stick to my work!
1219
01:19:55,621 --> 01:19:59,494
Oh. You had the
Hell dream, didn't you?
1220
01:20:00,184 --> 01:20:01,535
Was I in it?
1221
01:20:02,618 --> 01:20:07,200
...Arnold. Oh, hey guys.
1222
01:20:07,760 --> 01:20:08,181
Elder Cunningham,
1223
01:20:08,668 --> 01:20:10,511
where on Heavenly Father's
green Earth have you been?
1224
01:20:10,546 --> 01:20:11,873
Oh, nowhere much,
1225
01:20:11,908 --> 01:20:16,503
just with ten eager Africans who
are now interested in the Church!
1226
01:20:18,220 --> 01:20:21,516
Yes, yep, they're completely into
the teachings and ready to learn more.
1227
01:20:21,551 --> 01:20:23,909
Are you serious, Elder Cunningham?
That's amazing!
1228
01:20:24,327 --> 01:20:27,200
Oh, Elder Price. Hey.
1229
01:20:29,557 --> 01:20:30,397
Hey...
1230
01:20:31,496 --> 01:20:35,054
So, did you find yourself
a new... companion?
1231
01:20:35,089 --> 01:20:38,109
No. No, I didn't.
And I'm sorry about that.
1232
01:20:38,144 --> 01:20:39,977
But this is great,
Elder Cunningham.
1233
01:20:40,012 --> 01:20:41,154
If you've got
some eager followers,
1234
01:20:41,189 --> 01:20:43,018
we could really
turn things around here!
1235
01:20:43,053 --> 01:20:45,093
I think we should start...
preparing which verses
1236
01:20:45,128 --> 01:20:46,865
we're going to teach them,
maybe maybe prep some exercises,
1237
01:20:46,900 --> 01:20:49,103
or find some, some music,
maybe then-
1238
01:20:49,138 --> 01:20:56,070
WOOAAHHH! WOH-HOOAAAHHH!
You left me! Remember?
1239
01:20:56,170 --> 01:20:59,262
Yes, I know.
And I'm sorry.
1240
01:20:59,297 --> 01:21:02,222
But Heavenly Father
has shown me I need to stay here!
1241
01:21:02,514 --> 01:21:05,494
So now what? I'm just supposed
to take you back?
1242
01:21:06,377 --> 01:21:09,917
Elder Cunningham. We must all
work in pairs. Remember?
1243
01:21:10,654 --> 01:21:12,713
Give Elder Cunningham a break!
1244
01:21:13,023 --> 01:21:16,582
If it's working better this way,
then, leave Elder Price out of it.
1245
01:21:17,032 --> 01:21:20,638
Now, how many of the people
want to have follow-up sessions?
1246
01:21:20,673 --> 01:21:22,850
Oh um, let's see, all of them!
1247
01:21:23,307 --> 01:21:25,784
Do you think we might actually get
a baptism out of this?
1248
01:21:25,819 --> 01:21:26,931
They always say you just have
1249
01:21:26,966 --> 01:21:29,664
to get that first baptism
and the others will follow!
1250
01:21:29,699 --> 01:21:32,887
Hold up! I know I'm doing a really
good job and all, but let's not
1251
01:21:32,922 --> 01:21:35,741
get too carried away, I mean, a lot
of the people here are
1252
01:21:35,776 --> 01:21:38,228
so scared to death of that
General Koni guy.
1253
01:21:38,263 --> 01:21:39,094
It's true.
1254
01:21:39,129 --> 01:21:41,764
Everywhere we go, people keep
talking about General Koni,
1255
01:21:41,799 --> 01:21:44,594
and how he'll kill them.
Sometime I'd like to convince
1256
01:21:44,629 --> 01:21:47,022
that general that what
he's doing is wrong.
1257
01:21:47,057 --> 01:21:50,105
Well no one is going to change
how a warlord thinks.
1258
01:21:50,140 --> 01:21:53,521
That would take something...
incredible.
1259
01:21:55,252 --> 01:22:04,052
Something incredible
Something incredible
1260
01:22:04,087 --> 01:22:06,235
Look, let's just be happy
1261
01:22:06,270 --> 01:22:08,718
that Elder Cunningham
has the people interested.
1262
01:22:08,753 --> 01:22:11,681
It's okay you guys!
I've got everything under control!
1263
01:22:11,716 --> 01:22:14,275
I know what Heavenly Father
wants for me now.
1264
01:22:14,310 --> 01:22:17,050
This whole country
is gonna be SAVED!
1265
01:22:28,002 --> 01:22:31,980
Ever since I was a child
I tried to be the best
1266
01:22:32,015 --> 01:22:34,156
So what happened?
1267
01:22:34,191 --> 01:22:38,541
My family and friends
all said I was blessed
1268
01:22:38,576 --> 01:22:40,721
So what happened?
1269
01:22:40,756 --> 01:22:43,369
It was supposed
to be all so exciting
1270
01:22:43,709 --> 01:22:46,434
To be teaching of Christ
'cross the sea
1271
01:22:46,469 --> 01:22:52,288
But I allowed my faith to be shaken
Oh, what's the matter with me?
1272
01:22:52,323 --> 01:22:55,274
I've always longed
to help the needy
1273
01:22:55,309 --> 01:22:58,413
To do the things I never dared
1274
01:22:58,448 --> 01:23:04,832
This was the time for me to step up
So then why was I so scared?
1275
01:23:04,867 --> 01:23:07,989
A warlord who shoots
people in the face
1276
01:23:08,024 --> 01:23:10,892
What's so scary about that?
1277
01:23:10,927 --> 01:23:14,254
I must trust that
my Lord is mightier
1278
01:23:14,289 --> 01:23:17,225
And always has my back
1279
01:23:17,260 --> 01:23:20,333
Now I must be completely devout
1280
01:23:20,368 --> 01:23:24,090
I can't have even
one shred of doubt!
1281
01:23:24,551 --> 01:23:30,813
I believe that the Lord God
created the universe
1282
01:23:30,848 --> 01:23:36,590
I believe that he sent
his only son to die for my sins
1283
01:23:36,625 --> 01:23:38,806
And I believe
1284
01:23:38,841 --> 01:23:44,332
that ancient Jews built boats
and sailed to America
1285
01:23:44,367 --> 01:23:52,384
I am a Mormon
And a Mormon just believes
1286
01:23:52,419 --> 01:23:58,057
You cannot just believe partway
You have to believe in it all
1287
01:23:58,092 --> 01:24:01,183
My problem was
doubting the Lord's work,
1288
01:24:01,218 --> 01:24:03,660
instead of standing tall
1289
01:24:03,695 --> 01:24:06,482
I can't allow myself
to have any doubt
1290
01:24:06,517 --> 01:24:09,383
It's time to set my worries free
1291
01:24:09,418 --> 01:24:12,650
Time to show the world
what Elder Price is about
1292
01:24:12,685 --> 01:24:18,268
And while I show them,
I'll show me!
1293
01:24:18,303 --> 01:24:24,368
I believe that God
has a plan for all of us
1294
01:24:24,403 --> 01:24:30,151
I believe that plan involves
me getting my own planet
1295
01:24:30,336 --> 01:24:31,868
And I believe
1296
01:24:31,903 --> 01:24:37,523
that the current President of the Church,
Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God!
1297
01:24:37,558 --> 01:24:45,689
I am a Mormon, and dang it,
A Mormon just believes!
1298
01:24:45,724 --> 01:24:51,365
I know that I must go
And do the things my God commands
1299
01:24:51,400 --> 01:24:56,715
I realize now why he sent me here!
1300
01:24:57,218 --> 01:25:03,230
If you ask the Lord in faith
He will always answer you
1301
01:25:03,265 --> 01:25:09,670
Just believe in him
and have no fear
1302
01:25:13,770 --> 01:25:18,252
General! We have an intruder!
He just walked right into camp!
1303
01:25:19,875 --> 01:25:25,852
I believe that Satan
has a hold of you
1304
01:25:25,887 --> 01:25:31,625
I believe that the Lord God
has sent me here!
1305
01:25:31,660 --> 01:25:33,506
And I believe
1306
01:25:33,541 --> 01:25:39,125
that in 1978 God changed his mind
about black people!
1307
01:25:40,071 --> 01:25:47,382
You can be a Mormon
A Mormon who just believes
1308
01:25:47,417 --> 01:25:48,746
What the fuck is this?!
1309
01:25:48,781 --> 01:25:51,008
And now I can feel the excitement
1310
01:25:51,043 --> 01:25:53,984
This is the moment I was born to do
1311
01:25:54,019 --> 01:25:59,141
And I feel so incredible
To be sharing my faith with you
1312
01:25:59,646 --> 01:26:02,474
The Scriptures say that
if you ask in faith
1313
01:26:02,509 --> 01:26:05,462
If you ask God himself,
you'll know
1314
01:26:05,497 --> 01:26:08,450
But you must ask him
without any doubt
1315
01:26:08,485 --> 01:26:12,431
And let your spirit grow!
1316
01:26:12,466 --> 01:26:18,429
I believe that God lives
on a planet called Kolob
1317
01:26:18,464 --> 01:26:24,085
I believe that Jesus
has his own planet as well
1318
01:26:24,120 --> 01:26:26,250
And I believe
1319
01:26:26,285 --> 01:26:31,839
that the Garden of Eden
was in Jackson County, Missouri
1320
01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:35,231
If you believe,
the Lord will reveal it
1321
01:26:35,266 --> 01:26:38,394
And you'll know it's all true
You'll just feel it
1322
01:26:38,429 --> 01:26:41,211
You'll be a Mormon!
1323
01:26:41,246 --> 01:26:48,823
And, by gosh,
a Mormon just believes!
1324
01:26:50,579 --> 01:26:56,681
Oh, I believe!
1325
01:26:56,716 --> 01:27:04,225
I believe!
1326
01:27:20,837 --> 01:27:22,408
So,
1327
01:27:23,899 --> 01:27:25,493
Jumamosi!
1328
01:27:25,528 --> 01:27:29,516
Wait!
God has spoken to me, sir!
1329
01:27:30,897 --> 01:27:34,608
By the power of God Almighty
touch me NOT!
1330
01:27:34,643 --> 01:27:37,492
Uh, the power of Christ
compels you!
1331
01:27:38,193 --> 01:27:38,731
Wait, what are you doing?
1332
01:27:39,100 --> 01:27:39,743
Let me go!
1333
01:27:40,260 --> 01:27:43,170
No! No! AAAAAHHH!
1334
01:27:47,746 --> 01:27:49,363
Right, right.
1335
01:27:49,398 --> 01:27:52,133
So Christ said, "You've
gotta be strong, you know?
1336
01:27:52,726 --> 01:27:55,534
Just because the Lamanites have
big Death Star weapons and stuff,
1337
01:27:55,569 --> 01:27:57,567
doesn't mean you should let them
run your lives, you know?
1338
01:27:57,602 --> 01:27:59,302
There's more of you than
there are of them;
1339
01:27:59,337 --> 01:28:01,266
you've gotta stand up
for yourselves!" Christ said.
1340
01:28:01,301 --> 01:28:02,150
Oh! Just like the way
1341
01:28:02,398 --> 01:28:04,758
the Hobbits all stood up
against Brigham Young's killers!
1342
01:28:04,793 --> 01:28:06,424
Very good, Middala.
1343
01:28:09,130 --> 01:28:13,777
So, the Nephites...
fought off the wicked Lamanites,
1344
01:28:13,812 --> 01:28:18,142
and for punishment the Lord God
turned the Lamanites... yellow!
1345
01:28:18,498 --> 01:28:20,828
Oh! Like the Chinese!
1346
01:28:20,863 --> 01:28:22,031
Right, right.
1347
01:28:22,066 --> 01:28:24,065
Oh-kay we should probably
stop there for today.
1348
01:28:24,100 --> 01:28:26,196
Hopeful we'll see everyone
again tomorrow?
1349
01:28:26,231 --> 01:28:29,493
The book is right: we must not
fight amongst each other.
1350
01:28:29,528 --> 01:28:32,211
The Chinese are
the real problem!
1351
01:28:34,591 --> 01:28:37,349
I love all these Mormon stories!
1352
01:28:37,384 --> 01:28:39,616
They are so fucking
weird and interesting!
1353
01:28:42,487 --> 01:28:45,886
Elder Cunningham,
I just wanted to say,
1354
01:28:45,921 --> 01:28:49,430
we are very happy
Heavenly Father brought you here.
1355
01:28:49,465 --> 01:28:50,647
Oh, thank you.
1356
01:28:52,683 --> 01:28:56,157
I have never seen
the people here so happy.
1357
01:28:56,192 --> 01:29:00,656
Even Baba.
You... are amazing.
1358
01:29:00,691 --> 01:29:03,085
Oh. Well, I haven't
really done that much.
1359
01:29:03,120 --> 01:29:04,616
But you have.
1360
01:29:04,651 --> 01:29:05,899
I texted my friend
1361
01:29:05,934 --> 01:29:08,229
the story of Joseph Smith's
battle with diarrhea,
1362
01:29:08,264 --> 01:29:11,357
and he said everyone
in his village has read it.
1363
01:29:11,392 --> 01:29:13,790
You are a great man.
1364
01:29:13,825 --> 01:29:16,517
Thank you.
I kind of am, huh?
1365
01:29:16,552 --> 01:29:19,719
All the Mormons are
such amazing people.
1366
01:29:19,754 --> 01:29:23,145
They traveled across
the United States to find Paradise
1367
01:29:23,180 --> 01:29:25,069
in Sal Tlay Ka Siti.
1368
01:29:25,104 --> 01:29:28,444
And even though they found it,
they still travel the world
1369
01:29:28,479 --> 01:29:30,109
to show others the way.
1370
01:29:30,144 --> 01:29:32,396
I guess I never really
thought of it like that.
1371
01:29:34,193 --> 01:29:36,960
Do you think that we are
worthy enough to join you?
1372
01:29:36,995 --> 01:29:39,045
We have been
trying very hard.
1373
01:29:39,080 --> 01:29:41,719
And we are ready to do
whatever tasks you require of us.
1374
01:29:42,210 --> 01:29:43,849
Oh, no, no, no, no,
you don't understand.
1375
01:29:43,884 --> 01:29:46,731
There's nothing they have
to do to become Mormon.
1376
01:29:46,766 --> 01:29:50,367
We let anybody who wants
to join up, so long as they're
1377
01:29:50,402 --> 01:29:53,585
willing to commit to the Church.
Then we can... baptize them.
1378
01:29:54,404 --> 01:29:58,129
Well then, would you
like to baptize me?
1379
01:29:58,164 --> 01:30:01,752
Shh yeah, sure,
that would be... great.
1380
01:30:01,787 --> 01:30:03,976
Okay!
Let's do it!
1381
01:30:04,011 --> 01:30:05,629
What? Now?
1382
01:30:05,664 --> 01:30:07,342
Why not?
1383
01:30:07,842 --> 01:30:11,711
Well... to be honest,
I've never done it before.
1384
01:30:12,370 --> 01:30:14,834
That's okay.
Neither have I!
1385
01:30:14,869 --> 01:30:16,962
I guess that's true.
1386
01:30:18,749 --> 01:30:22,161
Do you know how to baptize
someone into the Church?
1387
01:30:22,196 --> 01:30:26,322
Sssure, that's something we
studied over and over again at...
1388
01:30:26,523 --> 01:30:28,148
Mission Control Center.
1389
01:30:29,856 --> 01:30:35,774
Please, Elder Cunningham,
I want to be baptized.
1390
01:30:35,809 --> 01:30:38,510
I swear to dedicate
my life to the Church.
1391
01:30:38,545 --> 01:30:42,027
Hah, okay, I, uh, just need
a second to get ready.
1392
01:30:42,062 --> 01:30:44,505
Okay!
I'll go get ready too.
1393
01:30:48,239 --> 01:30:54,362
I'm about to do it
for the first time
1394
01:30:54,397 --> 01:30:59,607
And I'm gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl
1395
01:30:59,642 --> 01:31:05,266
Who makes my heart kinda flutter
Makes my eyes kinda blur
1396
01:31:05,301 --> 01:31:10,421
I can't believe I'm
about to baptize her
1397
01:31:10,456 --> 01:31:16,226
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
1398
01:31:16,261 --> 01:31:22,107
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
1399
01:31:22,142 --> 01:31:28,059
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
1400
01:31:28,094 --> 01:31:35,707
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized
1401
01:31:38,641 --> 01:31:44,628
I'm gonna baptize her
Bathe her in God's glory
1402
01:31:44,663 --> 01:31:50,147
And I will baptize her
With everything I got
1403
01:31:50,182 --> 01:31:55,875
And I'll make her beg for more
As I wash her free of sin
1404
01:31:55,910 --> 01:32:03,123
And it'll be so good
She'll want me to baptize her again
1405
01:32:03,587 --> 01:32:06,127
Excuse me, I, I need another minute!
1406
01:32:08,630 --> 01:32:14,632
Never known a boy so gentle
1407
01:32:14,667 --> 01:32:19,829
One like him is hard to find
A special kind
1408
01:32:19,864 --> 01:32:25,665
He makes my heart kind of flutter
Like a moth in a cocoon
1409
01:32:25,700 --> 01:32:30,165
I hope he gets to
baptizing me soon!
1410
01:32:30,650 --> 01:32:36,546
I'm gonna baptize you!
I'm through with all my stallin'
1411
01:32:36,581 --> 01:32:42,199
You're gonna baptize me!
I'm ready to let you do it
1412
01:32:42,234 --> 01:32:48,239
And it will set us free
It's time to be immersed
1413
01:32:48,274 --> 01:32:56,177
And I'm so happy you're
about to be my first!
1414
01:32:58,133 --> 01:33:01,142
OK. Are you ready?
1415
01:33:01,177 --> 01:33:05,424
I am ready.
So how do we do it?
1416
01:33:05,459 --> 01:33:08,526
Well, I hold you
like this.
1417
01:33:08,561 --> 01:33:09,844
Yeah?
1418
01:33:09,879 --> 01:33:11,418
Then I lower you down.
1419
01:33:11,453 --> 01:33:12,697
Yeah?
1420
01:33:12,732 --> 01:33:14,055
And then I...
1421
01:33:17,336 --> 01:33:23,095
I just baptized her!
She got dowsed by Heavenly Father
1422
01:33:23,130 --> 01:33:29,425
I just baptized her good!
I performed like a champ!
1423
01:33:29,460 --> 01:33:32,242
I'm wet with salvation!
1424
01:33:32,277 --> 01:33:35,108
We just went all the way!
1425
01:33:35,143 --> 01:33:42,359
Praise be to God!
I'll never forget this day
1426
01:33:42,394 --> 01:33:46,681
I baptized you!
I gotcha good
1427
01:33:48,178 --> 01:33:50,094
You wanted it more, baby!
1428
01:34:03,680 --> 01:34:05,527
I'll text you later.
1429
01:35:08,770 --> 01:35:13,002
“Dear Mission President,
it is my honor to inform you
1430
01:35:13,037 --> 01:35:16,363
that the elders of Uganda
District 9 have brought
1431
01:35:16,398 --> 01:35:18,749
twenty new members
into the Church.
1432
01:35:18,784 --> 01:35:20,438
They are all fully commited
1433
01:35:20,473 --> 01:35:22,775
to the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter Day Saints,
1434
01:35:22,810 --> 01:35:24,632
and our numbers
continue to grow."
1435
01:35:25,195 --> 01:35:26,933
This is outstanding.
1436
01:35:26,968 --> 01:35:29,315
These boys have converted
more Africans
1437
01:35:29,350 --> 01:35:31,218
than any district
in the country.
1438
01:35:31,673 --> 01:35:35,293
Elders of District 9, you have
truly honored the Church
1439
01:35:35,328 --> 01:35:36,789
by your success.
1440
01:35:36,824 --> 01:35:41,475
Congratulations on becoming one...
with the people... of Africa.
1441
01:35:42,881 --> 01:35:49,893
I am Africa
I am Africa
1442
01:35:49,928 --> 01:35:57,619
With the strength of the cheetah
My native voice shall ring
1443
01:35:57,654 --> 01:36:03,756
We are Africa
We are the heartbeat of Africa
1444
01:36:03,791 --> 01:36:05,515
- With the rhino
- The meerkat
1445
01:36:05,642 --> 01:36:08,592
The noble Lion King
1446
01:36:09,207 --> 01:36:12,281
We are Africa
1447
01:36:12,768 --> 01:36:16,127
We are the winds
of the Serengeti
1448
01:36:16,162 --> 01:36:19,185
We are the sweat
of the jungle man
1449
01:36:19,220 --> 01:36:22,418
We are the tears
of Nelson Mandela
1450
01:36:22,453 --> 01:36:26,478
We are the lost boys
of the Sudan!
1451
01:36:27,585 --> 01:36:30,114
I am Africa
1452
01:36:30,266 --> 01:36:33,662
Just like Bono,
I am Africa
1453
01:36:33,697 --> 01:36:39,227
I flew in here
and became one with this land
1454
01:36:39,262 --> 01:36:45,729
I'm not a follower anymore
No, now I am Africa!
1455
01:36:45,764 --> 01:36:50,542
With my Zulu spear
I run barefoot through the sand
1456
01:36:50,577 --> 01:36:55,057
And I am Africa!
1457
01:37:09,720 --> 01:37:16,385
Something incredible
You've done something incredible
1458
01:37:16,651 --> 01:37:22,618
I have never seen
a rectal blockage of this kind
1459
01:37:22,653 --> 01:37:25,756
I have seen patients in the past
1460
01:37:25,791 --> 01:37:28,520
With rodents or
bottles in their ass
1461
01:37:28,753 --> 01:37:35,861
But this is something incredible
And it blows my freakin' mind!
1462
01:37:38,295 --> 01:37:44,438
We are the snows of Kilimanjaro
We are gorillas in the mist
1463
01:37:44,473 --> 01:37:50,578
We are the galleys of the Amistad
We are Fela's defiant fist!
1464
01:37:50,778 --> 01:37:53,307
We are Africa
1465
01:37:53,342 --> 01:37:55,701
Oh Neosporin it's amazing!
1466
01:37:55,736 --> 01:37:57,936
The mission president wants to
meet me personally
1467
01:37:58,251 --> 01:37:59,156
and he's gonna give me a medal!
1468
01:37:59,337 --> 01:38:01,385
Oh elder, that is incredible!
1469
01:38:04,114 --> 01:38:10,603
We are Africa
The zebra and giraffica
1470
01:38:11,345 --> 01:38:14,106
Are you telling me that
an entire village is wearing white
1471
01:38:14,141 --> 01:38:16,325
and dunking themselves into water?!
1472
01:38:16,360 --> 01:38:18,690
Well what type of...
voodoo magic is that?!
1473
01:38:18,725 --> 01:38:22,840
It freaks me out!
They must all be put to death!
1474
01:38:25,267 --> 01:38:31,283
We are the Africa
The one and only Africa
1475
01:38:31,318 --> 01:38:38,120
And the life we live
Is primitive and proud!
1476
01:38:38,155 --> 01:38:43,317
We are Africa
We are deepest, darkest Africa!
1477
01:38:43,352 --> 01:38:48,445
We are the fields and fertile
forest, well endowed
1478
01:38:48,480 --> 01:38:52,063
We are Africa
1479
01:38:52,098 --> 01:38:56,493
We are the sunrise on the Savannah
1480
01:38:56,528 --> 01:38:59,595
A monkey with a banana
1481
01:38:59,630 --> 01:39:04,860
A tribal woman who
doesn't wear a bra
1482
01:39:06,047 --> 01:39:17,998
Africans are African
But we are Africa!
1483
01:39:34,351 --> 01:39:38,258
Hit me! Gimme another one!
Come ON!
1484
01:39:41,097 --> 01:39:42,649
Thank you.
1485
01:39:42,684 --> 01:39:44,411
You wanna hear something funny?
1486
01:39:44,446 --> 01:39:47,426
I used to think drinking
coffee was wrong.
1487
01:39:48,481 --> 01:39:50,123
You wanna know why? HM!
1488
01:39:50,749 --> 01:39:55,725
Because apparently,
a tribe of ancient Jews
1489
01:39:55,760 --> 01:40:00,833
lived in America, created huge
civilizations and
1490
01:40:00,868 --> 01:40:05,264
were visited by Christ,
but then, then disappeared,
1491
01:40:05,299 --> 01:40:09,852
leaving no archaeological trace
of themselves except...
1492
01:40:09,887 --> 01:40:15,326
for golden plates, which were then
dug up by a farmer who wrote down,
1493
01:40:15,361 --> 01:40:18,591
amongst other things, that
hot drinks were not for the body
1494
01:40:18,626 --> 01:40:21,953
to belly, so I can't have
a cup of coffee!
1495
01:40:26,324 --> 01:40:29,037
Elder Price?
Are you okay?
1496
01:40:29,072 --> 01:40:32,315
Well well! If it isn't
the super Mormon!
1497
01:40:32,350 --> 01:40:34,488
Really changed in Uganda,
aren'tcha?
1498
01:40:34,581 --> 01:40:36,046
I'm doin' what I can.
1499
01:40:36,081 --> 01:40:40,934
Yeah? Spreadin' the Word?
Makin' more brainwashed zombies?
1500
01:40:40,969 --> 01:40:43,392
Elder Price?
What happened to you?
1501
01:40:43,427 --> 01:40:45,369
I woke up.
That's what happened.
1502
01:40:45,404 --> 01:40:48,484
Of course you woke up!
You drank twelve cups of coffee!
1503
01:40:49,672 --> 01:40:51,355
You tell me how it is, huh?!
1504
01:40:51,390 --> 01:40:53,681
How is it you converted
all those people into Mormons?!
1505
01:40:53,716 --> 01:40:54,937
I don't know.
1506
01:40:54,972 --> 01:40:58,586
Once I baptized Nagasaki
the others just fell into place.
1507
01:41:00,781 --> 01:41:02,479
You baptized that girl?
1508
01:41:02,514 --> 01:41:05,473
Yeah, I did.
Don't hate on me, elder!
1509
01:41:05,508 --> 01:41:07,447
You get everything you pray for!
1510
01:41:07,910 --> 01:41:10,300
You're doing everything
I was supposed to do!
1511
01:41:10,335 --> 01:41:11,677
Doesn't that seem
a little telling to you?!
1512
01:41:11,958 --> 01:41:12,703
Well of what?
1513
01:41:12,804 --> 01:41:15,018
That the universe doesn't
work the way we were told!
1514
01:41:16,707 --> 01:41:21,012
When I was nine years old,
my family took a trip.
1515
01:41:21,047 --> 01:41:23,451
To Orlando, Florida.
1516
01:41:24,548 --> 01:41:30,849
And it was the most... wonderful,
most magical place I'd ever seen.
1517
01:41:31,673 --> 01:41:33,457
And I decided right then
and there,
1518
01:41:33,492 --> 01:41:36,745
"This... is where I want to spend
eternity."
1519
01:41:36,780 --> 01:41:39,926
My parents said that if I made God
proud and I did everything
1520
01:41:40,245 --> 01:41:43,427
the Church asked, in the latter
days, I could have whatever
1521
01:41:43,462 --> 01:41:47,707
I wanted. So I worked.
And I worked.
1522
01:41:47,742 --> 01:41:49,929
And even when I studied
Mormon stories and I thought,
1523
01:41:49,964 --> 01:41:52,473
"That doesn't really make sense," I kept working!
1524
01:41:53,988 --> 01:41:57,984
Because I was told that one day
I would get my reward!
1525
01:41:58,343 --> 01:42:04,064
PLANET ORLANDO!
But what do I have now?
1526
01:42:04,099 --> 01:42:05,784
Um... Yeah...
1527
01:42:06,026 --> 01:42:08,772
Okay, anyway, so, the uh,
the mission president
1528
01:42:08,807 --> 01:42:11,769
is coming tomorrow and,
I'm without my companion
1529
01:42:12,074 --> 01:42:12,867
and, well, it just looks
kind of bad-
1530
01:42:13,364 --> 01:42:14,511
Aaaa-oh, so thaaat's
why you came!
1531
01:42:14,546 --> 01:42:16,594
Noo, I came because
I care about you-
1532
01:42:16,600 --> 01:42:17,526
BULL POOP!
1533
01:42:18,503 --> 01:42:22,702
That is bull poop,
elder! And you know it!
1534
01:42:22,737 --> 01:42:27,325
Look, I know we may not
be the best "companions,"
1535
01:42:27,360 --> 01:42:31,754
but if we can please just
ACT like we're still together,
1536
01:42:31,789 --> 01:42:34,122
in front of the
mission president,
1537
01:42:34,157 --> 01:42:37,452
it would be the best thing
for the both of us.
1538
01:42:39,089 --> 01:42:43,118
Fine! But don't talk to me!
And don't touch me!
1539
01:42:43,153 --> 01:42:44,396
- Fine!
- Fine!
1540
01:42:55,632 --> 01:42:59,826
Orlando
Orlando
1541
01:42:59,861 --> 01:43:03,709
I liked you, Orlando
1542
01:43:03,918 --> 01:43:07,169
Your bright lights
Your big dreams
1543
01:43:07,204 --> 01:43:10,936
Your promises
you couldn't keep
1544
01:43:10,971 --> 01:43:14,094
Orlando
Orlando
1545
01:43:14,129 --> 01:43:17,098
Without you, Orlando
1546
01:43:17,623 --> 01:43:30,238
I'm just a guy who will die
And never go back... to... you...
1547
01:43:36,095 --> 01:43:41,468
Boys! You have all done the most
amazing work on your missions.
1548
01:43:41,503 --> 01:43:45,460
You are the gleaming examples
of Latter-Day Saints.
1549
01:43:45,495 --> 01:43:47,412
Praise Christ. Praise Christ.
1550
01:43:48,132 --> 01:43:51,470
And you two, Elder Price
and Elder Cunningham,
1551
01:43:51,505 --> 01:43:56,309
you are the most successful
missionaries in all of Africa.
1552
01:43:56,344 --> 01:43:58,558
Ohh, thank you sir.
1553
01:43:58,593 --> 01:44:02,102
My companion has been so very
helpful and there for me.
1554
01:44:02,137 --> 01:44:03,302
Praise Christ.
1555
01:44:04,105 --> 01:44:08,782
Excuse me! Excuse me mister
Mormon President?
1556
01:44:08,817 --> 01:44:12,250
My people wish to
give you a special welcome.
1557
01:44:15,855 --> 01:44:19,817
Uhh... Neutrogena,
what are you doing here?
1558
01:44:21,323 --> 01:44:25,544
We, we have learned so much
from Elder Cunningham,
1559
01:44:25,579 --> 01:44:28,259
and as our gift to you
we wish to present
1560
01:44:28,294 --> 01:44:32,364
the story of Joseph Smith
and the first Mormons.
1561
01:44:34,204 --> 01:44:37,397
NOOOOOOOO!
1562
01:44:37,432 --> 01:44:39,476
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
1563
01:44:40,219 --> 01:44:43,382
I think this is a very bad idea.
Let's not do this.
1564
01:44:43,417 --> 01:44:46,577
No no no, elder, this is just
the sort of thing
1565
01:44:46,612 --> 01:44:48,362
the Mormon leaders
need to be seeing.
1566
01:44:48,694 --> 01:44:53,100
Yes, yes yes, let's see what
these noble Africans have learned.
1567
01:45:02,077 --> 01:45:08,557
And now we wish to honor you
with the story of Joseph Smith,
1568
01:45:08,592 --> 01:45:11,039
the American Moses.
1569
01:45:11,316 --> 01:45:13,797
Well, this is very good;
praise Christ.
1570
01:45:16,517 --> 01:45:20,085
Mormon
1571
01:45:20,833 --> 01:45:23,511
I'm going to take you back in time,
(Mormon)
1572
01:45:23,546 --> 01:45:26,895
to the United States, 1823.
(Mormon)
1573
01:45:26,930 --> 01:45:30,351
A small and odd village called Upstate New York.
(Upstate)
1574
01:45:30,480 --> 01:45:33,851
There was disease and famine,
(so sick)
1575
01:45:33,886 --> 01:45:36,615
but also in this village
lived a simple farmer
1576
01:45:36,650 --> 01:45:38,796
who would change everything.
1577
01:45:39,024 --> 01:45:43,763
His name... was Joseph Smith.
1578
01:45:48,293 --> 01:45:51,263
Joseph Smith,
American Moses
1579
01:45:51,298 --> 01:45:54,918
Praise be to Joseph,
American prophet man
1580
01:45:55,883 --> 01:45:58,485
Aye my name is Joseph Smith,
1581
01:45:58,586 --> 01:46:00,503
and I am going to fuck this baby.
1582
01:46:00,603 --> 01:46:01,497
What!?
1583
01:46:01,597 --> 01:46:07,703
No no Joseph, don't fuck the baby
Joseph Smith, don't fuck the baby
1584
01:46:07,738 --> 01:46:12,855
Then God came down from heaven
and appeared before Joseph Smith.
1585
01:46:12,890 --> 01:46:15,443
Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby
1586
01:46:15,478 --> 01:46:20,207
I will get rid of your AIDS
If you fuck this frog
1587
01:46:25,107 --> 01:46:29,539
Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave him,
and his AIDS went away!
1588
01:46:29,574 --> 01:46:34,405
Then a great wizard named Moroni
came down from the Starship Enterprise.
1589
01:46:35,010 --> 01:46:38,390
Joseph Smith, your village is shit.
1590
01:46:38,425 --> 01:46:41,520
You shall lead the villagers
to a new village.
1591
01:46:41,797 --> 01:46:44,934
Here are the fucking directions.
1592
01:46:44,969 --> 01:46:46,069
Away
1593
01:46:46,104 --> 01:46:50,246
And on the plates were written
the directions to a new land.
1594
01:46:50,281 --> 01:46:56,003
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
1595
01:46:57,962 --> 01:47:02,435
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers
to follow him and his golden plates.
1596
01:47:02,470 --> 01:47:09,300
Liberation, equality, no more slavery
for Upstate Mormon people!
1597
01:47:09,335 --> 01:47:12,450
I got de golden plates
(gold plates)
1598
01:47:12,485 --> 01:47:14,872
I'm gonna lead the people
(we head West)
1599
01:47:14,907 --> 01:47:17,441
We gotta stick together
(Mormons)
1600
01:47:17,476 --> 01:47:19,720
We gotta help each other
(we're Mormons)
1601
01:47:19,755 --> 01:47:22,198
And so we climb the mountain
(we head West)
1602
01:47:22,233 --> 01:47:24,649
And we cross the river
(we head West)
1603
01:47:24,684 --> 01:47:26,838
And we fight the oppression
(Mormons)
1604
01:47:26,873 --> 01:47:29,707
By being nice to everyone
(we are Mormons)
1605
01:47:30,312 --> 01:47:33,815
Not so fast Mormons,
you shall not pass my mountain!
1606
01:47:33,850 --> 01:47:37,665
Down from the mountain look who comes:
the American warlord Brigham Young!
1607
01:47:37,700 --> 01:47:43,031
Yeees. I am Brigham Young.
I cut off my daughter's clitoris;
1608
01:47:43,066 --> 01:47:48,618
that made God angry, so he turned
my nose into a clit for punishment.
1609
01:47:48,653 --> 01:47:51,831
Brigham Young,
his nose was a clitoris
1610
01:47:51,866 --> 01:47:55,370
What will you do Joseph,
will you fight the clitoris man?
1611
01:47:55,405 --> 01:47:58,037
Not fight him, help him.
1612
01:48:00,424 --> 01:48:03,258
Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog
1613
01:48:03,293 --> 01:48:06,008
and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit face.
1614
01:48:06,043 --> 01:48:09,280
And behold Brigham was cured!
1615
01:48:09,315 --> 01:48:12,016
Joseph Smith,
magical AIDS frog
1616
01:48:12,051 --> 01:48:15,192
Brigham Young,
frog on his clit face
1617
01:48:16,051 --> 01:48:19,976
Brigham Young was so
grateful, he decided to
1618
01:48:20,011 --> 01:48:22,562
join the Mormons on their journey.
1619
01:48:22,597 --> 01:48:29,909
Compassion, courtesy, unrelenting politeness
from Upstate Mormon People!
1620
01:48:29,944 --> 01:48:32,808
I got de golden plates
(gold plates)
1621
01:48:32,843 --> 01:48:35,317
I'm gonna lead the people
(we head West)
1622
01:48:35,352 --> 01:48:38,066
We gotta stick together
(Mormons)
1623
01:48:39,158 --> 01:48:43,595
Now comes the part of our story
that gets a little bit sad.
1624
01:48:45,176 --> 01:48:49,916
After traveling for so long,
the Mormons ran out of fresh water,
1625
01:48:49,951 --> 01:48:52,216
and become sick...
1626
01:48:53,776 --> 01:48:55,810
with dysentery.
1627
01:48:55,845 --> 01:48:58,331
Mormon go to the water,
water go to the cup
1628
01:48:58,366 --> 01:49:02,719
Cup go to the stomach,
shit come out the butt
1629
01:49:02,754 --> 01:49:05,850
Shit go in the water,
water go in the cup
1630
01:49:05,885 --> 01:49:08,424
Shit go down the stomach,
shit come out the butt
1631
01:49:08,459 --> 01:49:10,825
Ugh, oh fuck!
1632
01:49:11,532 --> 01:49:16,454
Oh no, the prophet Joseph Smith
is now getting sick!
1633
01:49:16,489 --> 01:49:19,541
Shit go in the water,
water go in the cup
1634
01:49:19,576 --> 01:49:22,562
Cup go to the thirsty,
shit go to the stomach
1635
01:49:22,597 --> 01:49:25,217
Blood come out the butt,
blood go in the water
1636
01:49:25,252 --> 01:49:27,688
Water go in the cup,
cup go to the tongue
1637
01:49:27,882 --> 01:49:30,280
Shit blood in the stomach,
shit blood in the mouth
1638
01:49:30,315 --> 01:49:32,817
Shit blood on the insides,
water come out the butt
1639
01:49:35,403 --> 01:49:38,471
Brigham Young, you take
the golden plates and
1640
01:49:38,506 --> 01:49:45,207
lead the Mormons to the Promised Laaaand!
1641
01:49:46,786 --> 01:49:49,990
Desperation, mortality,
perseverance!
1642
01:49:50,025 --> 01:49:53,924
I...
1643
01:49:53,924 --> 01:49:56,146
I...
got de golden plates (gold plates)
1644
01:49:56,181 --> 01:49:58,753
I'm got to lead the people
(we head West)
1645
01:49:58,788 --> 01:50:00,093
We gotta stick together...
1646
01:50:00,128 --> 01:50:03,711
Even though their prophet had died,
the Mormons stuck together
1647
01:50:03,746 --> 01:50:08,242
and helped each other, and were
really nice to everyone they came across.
1648
01:50:08,277 --> 01:50:11,593
And then, finally, one day
the Mormons found
1649
01:50:11,628 --> 01:50:17,479
Sal Tlay Ka Siti.
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
1650
01:50:18,537 --> 01:50:22,469
And there, the Mormons
danced with Ewoks and Jesus.
1651
01:50:23,565 --> 01:50:25,445
Welcome Mormons!
1652
01:50:25,480 --> 01:50:28,803
Now, let's all have
as many babies as we can
1653
01:50:28,838 --> 01:50:32,225
and make big Mormon families!
1654
01:50:36,238 --> 01:50:40,419
Fuck your woman, fuck your man,
this is all part of God's plan
1655
01:50:40,454 --> 01:50:44,842
Mormons fuck all that they can
We're in Salt Lake City land
1656
01:50:44,877 --> 01:50:48,469
Thank you, thank you, God
1657
01:50:48,504 --> 01:50:49,982
Now we are fucking
1658
01:50:50,017 --> 01:50:52,984
Thank you, thank you, God
1659
01:50:53,019 --> 01:50:54,658
God wants us fucking
1660
01:50:54,693 --> 01:50:57,831
Thank you, thank you, God
1661
01:50:57,866 --> 01:50:59,299
Get back to fucking
1662
01:50:59,334 --> 01:51:03,535
Thank you, thank you, God
1663
01:51:04,210 --> 01:51:05,723
Joseph Smith,
fuck frog
1664
01:51:05,758 --> 01:51:06,986
Brigham Young,
clit face
1665
01:51:07,021 --> 01:51:08,314
Shit come out the butt
1666
01:51:08,349 --> 01:51:10,749
Jesus says:
fuck, fuck
1667
01:51:10,784 --> 01:51:14,289
Mormons!
1668
01:51:47,354 --> 01:51:48,422
Elders!
1669
01:51:49,961 --> 01:51:54,600
I'd like to have
a word with you... NOW!
1670
01:52:05,031 --> 01:52:07,356
I think they liked it.
1671
01:52:10,941 --> 01:52:13,186
We are sorry, Mission
President, we had no idea...
1672
01:52:13,681 --> 01:52:15,754
You keep your mouth shut!
1673
01:52:16,249 --> 01:52:17,809
You're in enough
trouble as it is!
1674
01:52:18,328 --> 01:52:21,010
S-sir, um, I was...
1675
01:52:21,045 --> 01:52:22,814
just trying to help
the villagers here.
1676
01:52:23,318 --> 01:52:24,793
See, they all really
wanted to learn.
1677
01:52:25,036 --> 01:52:26,744
Elder! Elder, I wanted
to give you this.
1678
01:52:26,779 --> 01:52:29,161
It's the entire play
written in text.
1679
01:52:33,257 --> 01:52:34,654
What is going on?
1680
01:52:35,651 --> 01:52:37,236
What's going on here
1681
01:52:37,271 --> 01:52:41,984
is that you have all brought ridicule
down onto the Latter-Day Saints.
1682
01:52:42,382 --> 01:52:45,591
But we are all Latter-Day
Saints now, right?
1683
01:52:45,909 --> 01:52:47,878
You and your people
are about as far
1684
01:52:47,913 --> 01:52:50,339
from being Latter-Day
Saints as it gets.
1685
01:52:51,325 --> 01:52:52,270
YOU ALL!
1686
01:52:52,873 --> 01:52:54,977
Elder Cunningham, tell them!
1687
01:52:55,012 --> 01:52:59,298
We are ready to go to Sal Tlay Ka
Siti. My things are packed.
1688
01:53:00,862 --> 01:53:07,407
Um... I'm so sorry,
Nabagamba, but um,
1689
01:53:07,442 --> 01:53:11,591
I never meant that you were
actually going to Salt Lake City.
1690
01:53:11,909 --> 01:53:15,825
But you said that we could find
paradise by listening to you.
1691
01:53:15,860 --> 01:53:20,377
Well... when we say that,
we mean paradise within yourself.
1692
01:53:20,412 --> 01:53:24,608
You know, it's sort of like a...
like a Jesus thing.
1693
01:53:26,752 --> 01:53:29,861
Oh... I see.
1694
01:53:29,896 --> 01:53:33,258
So, when you baptized me,
it meant nothing.
1695
01:53:33,491 --> 01:53:34,442
No, no! It meant everything!
1696
01:53:35,049 --> 01:53:38,744
Uncircumcised women are going
to have their families killed!
1697
01:53:39,125 --> 01:53:41,402
Where am I supposed to go?!
1698
01:53:41,437 --> 01:53:44,791
I don't, um...
1699
01:53:44,866 --> 01:53:47,658
I know what you people are now.
1700
01:53:48,333 --> 01:53:52,667
You traveled from your sparkling
lovely paradise in Ootah
1701
01:53:53,388 --> 01:53:57,745
to tell ridiculous stories to people
less fortunate to make fun of them!
1702
01:53:57,780 --> 01:53:58,797
No no, it isn't like that...
1703
01:53:58,832 --> 01:54:05,261
You have crushed my soul!
I hope you all had a good laugh.
1704
01:54:08,098 --> 01:54:11,857
Elders, you may as well
pack all your things.
1705
01:54:12,539 --> 01:54:14,769
This district is shut down.
1706
01:54:15,930 --> 01:54:21,465
Go home to your parents, and explain
to them that you have all...
1707
01:54:21,500 --> 01:54:24,174
FAILED... as missionaries!
1708
01:54:33,951 --> 01:54:36,369
I really did
it this time, huh?
1709
01:54:36,404 --> 01:54:40,844
I mean I've, I've always
been a screw-up, but this?
1710
01:54:41,776 --> 01:54:44,610
The thing is I, I really
liked her too, you know?
1711
01:54:44,645 --> 01:54:49,302
And in fact, maybe it was like
I could almost be a normal person,
1712
01:54:49,337 --> 01:54:55,090
with a girl who cared about me,
who was... hot.
1713
01:54:55,438 --> 01:54:58,831
And instead I made those
poor Africans put on
1714
01:54:58,866 --> 01:55:01,396
the biggest abomination
in Mormon history.
1715
01:55:03,076 --> 01:55:12,297
Joseph Smith dying of dysentery?
Moroni from the Starship Enterprise?
1716
01:55:12,804 --> 01:55:15,928
That play was the most...
1717
01:55:15,929 --> 01:55:17,742
beautiful thing I've ever seen.
1718
01:55:18,963 --> 01:55:19,960
Huh?
1719
01:55:20,278 --> 01:55:25,321
It's like... like you were getting
a point across using modern things.
1720
01:55:25,823 --> 01:55:30,206
And then you tried to...
wait a minute.
1721
01:55:32,843 --> 01:55:34,480
You've been trying to teach me
1722
01:55:34,515 --> 01:55:36,096
something all along,
haven't you?
1723
01:55:36,415 --> 01:55:37,281
What?
1724
01:55:37,888 --> 01:55:41,332
Here I thought I could just fly
in here all on my own
1725
01:55:41,367 --> 01:55:45,358
a-a-and change everything
by just sticking to Scripture.
1726
01:55:45,393 --> 01:55:48,152
While you were trying to
show me that, that Scripture
1727
01:55:48,187 --> 01:55:49,476
isn't that important!
1728
01:55:50,696 --> 01:55:55,489
I was losing my faith,
and you went out and did...
1729
01:55:55,490 --> 01:55:58,360
something incredible!
1730
01:55:58,225 --> 01:56:01,640
You did something incredible
1731
01:56:01,675 --> 01:56:06,373
For a people who had
nowhere else to go
1732
01:56:06,422 --> 01:56:09,566
I thought they were unreachable
1733
01:56:09,997 --> 01:56:13,351
but then they were
happy, and hopeful,
1734
01:56:14,352 --> 01:56:19,126
and wearing costumes.
It was almost like...
1735
01:56:19,319 --> 01:56:22,561
Orlando...
1736
01:56:26,074 --> 01:56:28,245
I'm sorry that it
took me so long to...
1737
01:56:28,280 --> 01:56:30,488
realize what you were
trying to teach me, Elder.
1738
01:56:30,993 --> 01:56:35,759
Oh, no that's, that's okay.
But what about Nathan Lane?!
1739
01:56:35,794 --> 01:56:40,318
I mean, I made her believe
in a bunch of made-up crap!
1740
01:56:40,353 --> 01:56:42,950
No, no, no, it doesn't matter
if the stories are true or not!
1741
01:56:42,951 --> 01:56:43,706
That's not the point!
1742
01:56:43,707 --> 01:56:46,692
It doesn't matter now 'cause
she's gonna get clit cut off
1743
01:56:46,693 --> 01:56:48,733
and it's all my fault!
1744
01:56:49,175 --> 01:56:54,281
Elder, come on! There is always hope!
I will help you fix this!
1745
01:56:57,860 --> 01:57:00,993
You... would do that for me?
1746
01:57:01,028 --> 01:57:05,536
I'd do anything for you.
You're my best friend.
1747
01:57:06,541 --> 01:57:12,175
We all need a partner
You're the best for me
1748
01:57:13,178 --> 01:57:15,976
We both need each other
1749
01:57:16,523 --> 01:57:19,867
We're a really awesome team
1750
01:57:19,902 --> 01:57:26,454
As long as we're together
There's nothing we cannot do
1751
01:57:26,489 --> 01:57:35,020
We can make things
right again, me and you
1752
01:57:43,364 --> 01:57:48,119
But mostly me
1753
01:57:58,663 --> 01:58:02,146
So, what did the Mormon President
think of our play?
1754
01:58:02,181 --> 01:58:03,840
Did Elder Cunningham like it?
1755
01:58:03,840 --> 01:58:07,067
He knows we are still
in previews, right?
1756
01:58:14,746 --> 01:58:16,524
JUMAMOSI!
1757
01:58:18,926 --> 01:58:23,667
Well, well.
There you are.
1758
01:58:23,702 --> 01:58:25,777
There have been rumors
that the people of this village
1759
01:58:25,812 --> 01:58:27,716
are uniting to oppose us.
1760
01:58:27,751 --> 01:58:30,183
Yes. We have been
shown another way.
1761
01:58:30,218 --> 01:58:31,636
No.
1762
01:58:31,671 --> 01:58:36,372
No, we do not oppose you.
We will do whatever you say.
1763
01:58:36,407 --> 01:58:38,154
Nabulungi, what is wrong?
1764
01:58:38,189 --> 01:58:41,012
Our prophet has told us to
stick together, to fight oppression!
1765
01:58:41,047 --> 01:58:42,664
Forget about Elder Cunningham!
1766
01:58:42,699 --> 01:58:45,522
You aren't going
to see him ever again!
1767
01:58:45,557 --> 01:58:47,887
What are you talking
about? Why aren't we?
1768
01:58:47,922 --> 01:58:55,317
Because Elder Cunningham...
he... he...
1769
01:58:55,318 --> 01:58:57,967
he was eaten by lions, alright?
1770
01:59:04,902 --> 01:59:07,176
ENOUGH!
1771
01:59:09,657 --> 01:59:12,317
There is only one law
to obey here and that is mine!
1772
01:59:12,352 --> 01:59:13,981
We believe in something else!
1773
01:59:14,016 --> 01:59:19,308
No, stop it! All of you!
I told you our prophet is gone.
1774
01:59:19,343 --> 01:59:22,563
There is no promised land,
and there is no salvation.
1775
01:59:22,598 --> 01:59:25,529
Oh no! You cannot
talk like that, Nabulungi.
1776
01:59:25,564 --> 01:59:27,432
Remember the first teachings
of the Mormons:
1777
01:59:27,488 --> 01:59:31,105
When Joseph Smith died,
they did not give up on their hope.
1778
01:59:31,140 --> 01:59:35,926
But it isn't true. We aren't
going to Sal Tlay Ka Siti.
1779
01:59:36,379 --> 01:59:42,041
Nabulungi! Sal Tlay Ka Siti
isn't an actual place.
1780
01:59:43,068 --> 01:59:44,585
It's an idea.
1781
01:59:44,620 --> 01:59:46,776
A metaphor.
1782
01:59:51,236 --> 01:59:55,238
All the stories the prophet has
told us... are just metaphors.
1783
01:59:55,327 --> 01:59:56,746
Yeah.
1784
01:59:57,132 --> 02:00:00,719
You don't think a man
actually fucked a frog, do you?
1785
02:00:03,161 --> 02:00:05,246
That's fucking stupid.
1786
02:00:08,431 --> 02:00:09,983
And you all believe this?
1787
02:00:10,018 --> 02:00:11,523
Yes.
1788
02:00:11,558 --> 02:00:12,347
Hello?
1789
02:00:12,809 --> 02:00:15,552
He has risen!
1790
02:00:16,918 --> 02:00:17,856
It is a miracle!
1791
02:00:17,944 --> 02:00:20,795
Our prophet returns,
even from the dead!
1792
02:00:20,844 --> 02:00:22,167
There! You see?!
1793
02:00:22,231 --> 02:00:23,888
He must have
fucked a frog!
1794
02:00:23,923 --> 02:00:27,155
Who?! Who has risen
from the dead?!
1795
02:00:27,190 --> 02:00:28,785
He has! He has!
1796
02:00:28,846 --> 02:00:32,694
So, so you might as well just,
just put down your guns!
1797
02:00:32,729 --> 02:00:35,711
Because they will not work
against his... voodoo power!
1798
02:00:35,746 --> 02:00:39,452
And if you don't get out
of this village, right now,
1799
02:00:39,487 --> 02:00:45,776
he is going to command the angel
Moroni, from the Death Star,
1800
02:00:45,811 --> 02:00:52,033
to unleash the Kraken, which
will then... which will then...
1801
02:00:52,068 --> 02:00:56,434
which will then... launch
Joseph Smith's torpedoes
1802
02:00:56,469 --> 02:01:02,316
from its mouth of Christ
and turn you into a lesbian!
1803
02:01:09,609 --> 02:01:12,775
Oh! Oh Nala, I am so sorry!
1804
02:01:12,776 --> 02:01:14,254
Please, if you just
give me a chance?
1805
02:01:14,289 --> 02:01:19,252
Elder! Elder, you don't have
to say anything. I understand.
1806
02:01:24,994 --> 02:01:27,944
Whoa, whoa, whoa, elders, where
do you think you're going?
1807
02:01:27,979 --> 02:01:29,559
What do you mean
"where are you going"?
1808
02:01:29,618 --> 02:01:30,931
We've been shut down.
1809
02:01:31,019 --> 02:01:32,458
Yeah, we have to go home.
1810
02:01:32,493 --> 02:01:33,830
Who says we have to?
1811
02:01:33,865 --> 02:01:34,912
What?
1812
02:01:34,947 --> 02:01:37,640
Guys, we wanted to go on
a mission so we could
1813
02:01:37,699 --> 02:01:40,695
spend two years of our life
living someplace exciting
1814
02:01:40,730 --> 02:01:42,323
and helping people, right?
1815
02:01:42,358 --> 02:01:43,611
Yeah.
1816
02:01:43,646 --> 02:01:44,950
Well, so let's do it!
1817
02:01:44,985 --> 02:01:46,147
But the mission
president said
1818
02:01:46,182 --> 02:01:48,795
we're all about as far from
Latter-Day Saints as it gets.
1819
02:01:48,830 --> 02:01:50,011
Naw, you know what guys?
1820
02:01:50,304 --> 02:01:52,381
Fuck. Him.
1821
02:01:53,669 --> 02:01:56,940
We are still Latter-Day
Saints! All of us!
1822
02:01:56,975 --> 02:02:01,342
Even if we, we change some things,
or we break the rules,
1823
02:02:01,377 --> 02:02:03,994
or we have complete
doubt that God exists.
1824
02:02:04,054 --> 02:02:06,600
It doesn't change who we are.
1825
02:02:10,659 --> 02:02:16,406
Latter-Day doesn't mean afterlife.
It means tomorrow.
1826
02:02:17,631 --> 02:02:23,280
I am a Latter-Day Saint
I know not what the future holds
1827
02:02:23,315 --> 02:02:28,716
There are sure to be
times of joy and sorrow
1828
02:02:28,751 --> 02:02:31,835
Who cares what happens
when we're dead?
1829
02:02:31,870 --> 02:02:34,655
We shouldn't think
that far ahead
1830
02:02:34,656 --> 02:02:40,518
The only Latter Day
that matters is tomorrow
1831
02:02:41,370 --> 02:02:44,983
Screw the Church!
Why don't we stay?
1832
02:02:45,018 --> 02:02:54,151
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
Tomorrow is a Latter Day!
1833
02:02:59,197 --> 02:03:01,988
The skies are clearing
And now the sun's coming out
1834
02:03:02,023 --> 02:03:05,031
It's a Latter Day tomorrow
1835
02:03:05,066 --> 02:03:07,707
Put your worries and
your sorrows and your cares away
1836
02:03:07,837 --> 02:03:14,066
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
1837
02:03:15,823 --> 02:03:21,545
I am a Latter Day Saint
Along with my whole town
1838
02:03:21,580 --> 02:03:27,545
In love with someone
Christ put my way
1839
02:03:27,580 --> 02:03:33,317
My family would always doubt me
Now Nabulungi really cares about me
1840
02:03:33,352 --> 02:03:39,553
And together we will have a Latter Day
1841
02:03:42,222 --> 02:03:45,004
We're here for each other
every step of the way
1842
02:03:45,039 --> 02:03:48,250
And make a Latter Day tomorrow
1843
02:03:48,285 --> 02:03:53,769
Americans already found a cure for AIDS
But they're saving it for a Latter Day
1844
02:03:53,804 --> 02:03:57,286
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
1845
02:03:57,610 --> 02:04:01,488
I believe
(Tomorrow is a Latter Day)
1846
02:04:01,523 --> 02:04:04,664
Love and joy and all the
things that matter day
1847
02:04:04,699 --> 02:04:10,541
Tomorrow is a bigger,
better Latter Day
1848
02:04:10,576 --> 02:04:13,127
Tomorrow, tomorrow
is a Latter Day
1849
02:04:13,162 --> 02:04:15,970
A happy ending
on a platter day
1850
02:04:16,005 --> 02:04:20,832
Tomorrow is a doper,
phatter Latter Day
1851
02:04:23,005 --> 02:04:25,883
The skies are clearing
and now the sun's coming out
1852
02:04:25,918 --> 02:04:28,742
It's a Latter Day tomorrow
1853
02:04:28,777 --> 02:04:31,658
Put your worries and
your sorrows and your cares away
1854
02:04:31,693 --> 02:04:34,787
'Cause tomorrow is a Latter Day
1855
02:04:34,822 --> 02:04:42,150
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
Tomorrow is a Latter Day
1856
02:04:45,790 --> 02:04:48,894
So what will tomorrow bring?
1857
02:04:48,929 --> 02:04:51,950
What does the future hold?
1858
02:04:51,985 --> 02:04:56,568
I can almost see it now...
1859
02:05:00,980 --> 02:05:02,580
Hello
1860
02:05:02,581 --> 02:05:04,500
My name is Elder Mutumbo
1861
02:05:04,679 --> 02:05:08,918
And I would like to share with you
the most amazing book
1862
02:05:08,953 --> 02:05:10,494
- Hello
- Hello
1863
02:05:10,529 --> 02:05:12,538
My name is Sister Kimbe
1864
02:05:12,573 --> 02:05:16,315
It's a book about a people
who were poor and sad like you
1865
02:05:16,350 --> 02:05:18,317
- A sacred text
- Hello
1866
02:05:18,352 --> 02:05:20,507
- Of pioneers and frogs
- Fuck frogs!
1867
02:05:20,542 --> 02:05:23,663
And how you can find salvation
if you just believe
1868
02:05:23,698 --> 02:05:25,102
Heigh ho! Ding dong
Hello
1869
02:05:25,137 --> 02:05:26,172
Boba Fett!
1870
02:05:26,207 --> 02:05:27,920
You have a lovely mud hut
1871
02:05:27,955 --> 02:05:30,389
And if you just put down the gun
I'll show you...
1872
02:05:30,424 --> 02:05:31,873
Oh! Ok, I'll leave!
1873
02:05:31,908 --> 02:05:33,349
Hello
1874
02:05:33,384 --> 02:05:35,558
My name is Elder Ghali
1875
02:05:35,593 --> 02:05:38,673
You will love all of
the happiness this book can bring
1876
02:05:39,598 --> 02:05:41,060
- Hello
- Hello!
1877
02:05:41,095 --> 02:05:43,056
My name is Elder Warlord
1878
02:05:43,091 --> 02:05:46,731
Did you know that the clitoris
is a holy sacred thing?
1879
02:05:46,766 --> 02:05:48,707
- Find Paradise
- With Jesus Christ
1880
02:05:48,708 --> 02:05:49,688
And no more war
1881
02:05:49,689 --> 02:05:50,965
- Hello
- Nice door!
1882
02:05:51,000 --> 02:05:53,827
You read that Book of Mormon,
Did you know there's more?
1883
02:05:53,862 --> 02:05:54,746
Part Four
1884
02:05:54,747 --> 02:05:56,300
- We swear
- We really care
1885
02:05:56,335 --> 02:05:58,255
- This is not a scam
- No ma'am!
1886
02:05:58,290 --> 02:06:01,815
Have you heard the story of
our prophet Arnold Cunningham?
1887
02:06:01,850 --> 02:06:03,594
- Hello
- Arnold Cunningham
1888
02:06:03,629 --> 02:06:06,074
- Hello
- Arnold Cunning...
1889
02:06:06,109 --> 02:06:08,425
Heh-hello!
1890
02:06:08,460 --> 02:06:09,326
Hello
1891
02:06:09,361 --> 02:06:10,979
Our church is going strong
1892
02:06:11,014 --> 02:06:14,715
And if you let us in we'll
show you how you can belong
1893
02:06:14,750 --> 02:06:18,373
Join our family
And set your spirit free
1894
02:06:18,408 --> 02:06:21,916
We can fully guarantee you
That this book will change your life
1895
02:06:21,951 --> 02:06:23,815
Hello!
This book will change your life
1896
02:06:23,850 --> 02:06:25,869
Hello!
This book will change your life
1897
02:06:25,904 --> 02:06:29,140
This book will change your life
1898
02:06:29,175 --> 02:06:38,675
The book of Arnold
(Arnold...)
1899
02:06:38,710 --> 02:06:43,150
Hello!
1900
02:07:49,131 --> 02:07:54,378
We are Latter Day Saints
We take life one day at a time
1901
02:07:54,413 --> 02:07:59,922
When the chips are down
We know just what to say
1902
02:07:59,957 --> 02:08:05,774
The past may be in tatters
But today is all that matters
1903
02:08:05,809 --> 02:08:11,783
Because today is
yesterday's Latter Day
1904
02:08:11,818 --> 02:08:17,448
Thank you God!
Ma ha nei bu, Eebowai!
1905
02:08:17,483 --> 02:08:18,799
Why are Mormons happy?
1906
02:08:18,834 --> 02:08:22,974
It's because we know
It's a Latter Day tomorrow
1907
02:08:23,009 --> 02:08:25,807
So if you're sad put your hands
together and pray
1908
02:08:25,842 --> 02:08:28,159
That tomorrow's gonna be a Latter Day
1909
02:08:28,227 --> 02:08:32,150
Yeah! You know it's gonna be a Latter Day
1910
02:08:32,185 --> 02:08:43,997
Tomorrow is a Latter Day!
1911
02:08:43,998 --> 02:08:49,699
I still have maggots in my scrotum!
147604
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