Original subtitles

Long ago, in the Year of Our Lord 326 A.D., a great prophet is leader

of the Nephite people in ancient upstate New York.

His name... is Mormon.

I... am Mormon. My people sailed here from Israel to create

a new civilization.

These golden plates tell of our people and how we met with...

Jesus Christ.

I... am Jesus.

Take care of your golden plates, Mormon, for soon, your entire civilization

will be gone and nobody will remember you.

Just before the Nephite people were wiped out, Mormon gave the plates

to his son, Moroni.

I... am Moroni, the last of my kind.

I shall bury the golden plates, father, and perhaps one day

someone very special will find them.

And lo, Moroni buried the golden plates high on a hill.

Centuries later the golden plates were found,

giving birth to the fastest-growing religion today!

A church that even now sends missionaries out all over the world!

Hello! My name is Elder Price

And I would like to share with you the most amazing book

Hello! My name is Elder Grant

It's a book about America a long, long time ago

It has so many awesome parts

You simply won't believe how much this book can change your life

Hello! My name is Elder Green

I would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ

Hello! My name is Elder Young

Did you know that Jesus lived here in the USA?

You can read all about it now

In this nifty book, it's free! No, you don't have to pay

Hello! My name is Elder Smith

And can I leave this book with you for you to just peruse?

Hello! (Hello!) I'll just leave it here

It has a lot of information you can really use

Hello! (Hi!) My name is – (Jesus Christ!)

You have a lovely home (Hello!)

It's an amazing book!

Bonjour! (Hola!) Ni Hao!

Me llamo Elder White (Are these your kids?)

This book gives you the secret to eternal life (Sound good?)

Eternal life (With Jesus Christ!)

Is super fun! (Hello!) (Ding dong!)

And if you let us in we'll show you how it can be done! (No thanks?)

You sure? (Oh, well)

That's fine (Goodbye!)

Have fun in hell (Hey, now!)

You simply won't believe how much this book will change your life

This book will change your life This book will change your life

This book will change your life This book will change your life!

Hello, would you like to change religions? I have a free book written by Jesus!

No, no, no, Elder Cunningham! That's not how we do it!

You're making things up again. Just stick to the approved dialogue.

Elders, show him!

Hello! (Hello...)

My name is (Elder Cunningham!)

And we would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ

Hello! Hello! Ding dong! Heigh ho!

Just take this book! It's free!

For you! From me!

You see? You simply won't believe

How much this book will change your life!

(Hello) This book will change your life!

(Hello) So you won't burn in...

Hell-o! You're gonna die someday

But if you read this book you'll see that there's another way

Spend eternity with friends and family

We can fully guarantee you that this book will change your life

(Hello!) This book will change your life

(Hello!) This book will change your life

This book will change your life

The Book of Mormon (Mormon!)

Hello!

All right, elders, all right! That was very good indeed!

You have been training for two years and you are now ready

to go out and spread the Word.

In a moment you will be assigned

your mission companions and locations.

Oh boy, this is it guys, this is it!

I can't believe the day is finally here!

We're gonna get to go out and see the world!

Do you have any idea where they're sending you, Elder Price?

Well of course we don't really have final say

over where we get sent, but...

I have been praying to be sent to my favorite place

in the whole world.

Oh, well if you prayed for a location,

I'm sure Heavenly Father will make it happen.

You're like the smartest, best, most deserving elder this center

has ever seen.

Aw come on guys.

The most important time of a Mormon kid's life is his mission.

A chance to go out and help heal the world, that's my mission

Soon I'll be off in a different place helping the whole human race

I know my mission will be something incredible!

Elders, form a line,

And step forward when your name is called.

Elder Young

Yes sir!

Your mission brother will be...

Elder Grant.

That's me! Hey brother!

And your mission location is... Norway.

Oh wow! Norway!

Land of gnomes! And trolls!

Hoo-wah! Hey-yah! Shoo-wah! Zala Wow!

Two by two, we're marching door to door.

'Cause God loves Mormons and he wants some more.

A two-year mission is our sacrifice

We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ

...of Latter-Day Saints!

Two by two, and today we'll know

Who we'll make the journey with and where we'll go

We're fighting for a cause but we're really really nice

We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ

...of Latter-Day Saints!

Elder White and Elder Smith.

Oh! I knew we'd get paired together!

Your location will be...

France!

France! Land of ... crêpes and berets!

Two by two, I guess it's you and me

We're off to preach across land and sea

Satan has a hold of France!

We need to knock him off his perch!

We are the soldiers of the army of the Church

...of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!

Elder Cross and Elder Green, you will be serving in...

Japan.

Oh, Japan!

Land of soy sauce!

And Mothra!

Elder Harris and Elder Brown.

Heavenly Father, where will I go on my mission

(on my mission)?

Will it be China or Old Mexico on my mission? (mission)

It could be San Fran by the bay, Australia where they say "G'day",

but I pray I'm sent to my favorite place:

Orlando (Orlando)

I love you Orlando.

Sea World and Disney and putt putt golfing!

Elder Price.

Yes sir!

Your brother will be...

Elder Cunningham.

That's me! That's me! Hello!

Oh, hi.

And your mission location is...

Uganda.

Uganda.

Uganda??

Cool...

Where is that?

Africa.

Oh boy! Like Lion King.

Two by two, and now it's time to go

Our paths have been revealed, so let's start the show

Our shirts are clean and pressed and our haircuts are precise

We are the army of the Church We are the army of the Church

We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ!

Two by two we march to victory

Armed with the greatest book in history

We'll convert everyone all across the planet Earth.

That is the beauty of, the essence of,

the purpose of, the mission of

the soldiers of the army of the Church

of Jesus Christ

...of Latter-Day Saints!

All right, elders, all right!

Go home and pack your things. Tomorrow, your missions begin.

Bye you guys!

I am so stoked we got paired together, Elder Price.

Oho, me too. This is... fantastic!

You know what? I prayed to Heavenly Father that we would

get paired together. He really does listen!

He answered your prayers?

Yep, my mom said "if Heavenly Father is proud of you, he'll

always give you what you ask."

You and me for two years in Ukuhanda!

This is gonna be awesome!

Yes, well, if we have the Book of Mormon,

it'll do those Africans a lot of good.

Well, see you tomorrow, companion.

Tomorrow is a Latter Day!

Goodbye, son. We're so proud of you.

Wow, I can't believe Kevin is going to Africa for two years...

I'm gonna miss my brother so much.

Aw I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too.

Hey, maybe we should see if there's anyway I could get transferred

someplace a little bit closer to home, like uh... Florida, or...

No, don't worry, son. Heavenly Father has a hand in everything.

He knows what's best. He always knows.

You're right, dad. I'm sure I'm gonna have an amazing time.

Alright son, just remember: do whatever Elder Price does.

He is a great Mormon, and you, well, you're a... great follower.

Right! I'm a follower.

Elder Price seems like a wonderful boy, Arnold!

Uh... oh, he is. We're gonna have the most amazing time together.

It's like, like I'm finally gonna have a best friend.

Ohoho, well, just remember what we talked about

with regards to your little problem.

Oh don't worry Dad, my little problem is "in check."

It's not gonna be an issue.

What's the little problem?

Oh, nothing. He uh ju-, well, he has a very active imagination.

I lie a lot!

No! It's just he sometimes

makes things up when he doesn't know what else to say.

Bishop Donahue said it's because I have no self-esteem and

desperately want to fit in with by my peers.

Well alright everybody,

I think it's time we leave these two to their work.

Boy you boys have a lot of catching up to do

now that you're companions.

This is it, elders. You're heading... to Africa.

Well how did you like that, boys? A real Lion King send-off.

We got Mrs. Brown to sing like an African for you.

Thanks, Dad.

That was great!

Well, good luck in Africa, boys!

I've never been, But I hear it's a HOOT!

Well, goodbye, son, and please be careful.

Now you get out there and you baptize those Africans, boy!

Bye, Mrs. Brown!

Bye, baby.

Well? This is you and me now, companion.

Yup, that's right, elder.

From this point on, according to Rule #72,

we are never allowed to go anywhere without each other.

Except the bathroom.

Yes, that's right.

This is so awesome! Because all my friends

always end up leaving me, but you can't!

Okay, favorite movies:

Are you a Star Wars guy or are you a Star Trek guy?

I wanna know everything about you. Personally I like Star Wars,

but I'm willing to like Star Trek if you think it's better?

Okay Elder, uh... Look, I like to have fun

just as much as the next guy, you know, but um, look,

things are different now. We are men. This is our time

to prove that we are worthy.

Worthy of what?

Of everything we've been promised in the afterlife

I've always had the hope that on the day I go to heaven

Heavenly Father will shake my hand and say:

"You've done an awesome job, Kevin"

Now it's our time to go out-

My best friend

-to set the world's people free.

We can do it together, you and me,

but mostly me!

You and me, but mostly me Are gonna change the world forever

'Cause I can do most anything

And I can stand next to you and watch

Every hero needs a sidekick Every captain needs a mate

- Every dinner needs a side dish - On a slightly smaller plate

And now we're seeing eye to eye! It's so great we can agree

That Heavenly Father has chosen you and me

Just mostly me

Something incredible I'll do something incredible

I wanna be the Mormon who changed all of mankind

My best friend

It's something I've foreseen And now that I'm nineteen

I'll do something incredible That blows God's freaking mind!

And as long as we stick together

And I stay out of your way

Out of my way

We'll change the world forever

And make tomorrow a Latter Day!

Mostly me!

So quit thinking about it and do it

How ready and psyched are we?

And life is about to change for you And life is about to change for me

And life is about to change for you and me

But me mostly

And there's no limit to what we can do...

Me and you...

But mostly...

Me!

Well, looks like we made it, huh?

Yeah, that was... that was one long trip.

I'll say! Here we are in Kitguli, Uganda,

and what do you think of Uganda, Elder?

Well uum, I think it's really different!

Yeah, it's different.

Yeah yeah! What have we here, maybe?! German?! British?!

American.

Hello sir.

Uh, we're here to see Mister Mafala Hatimbi.

Yeah. Your bags!

Oh uh, sir, we don't have anything illegal in there, sir.

Uh, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Here are some men with guns searching through our bags.

Shut up! We take these bags!

What?

This is your tariff... to the general!

The, the general? Let I get one thi-

You shut the fuck up! You want to die?!

Omigosh! Okay-

Just take the bags! Why are you doing this?!

Ahh, there you are!

I have been looking all over for you.

I am Mafala Hatimbi.

I have been hired to show you to your building.

Look, some men just took our bags.

You must be very careful around here.

Now let's get going!

Uh no, uh, shouldn't you call the police and

see if we can get our bags back?

Oho, the police...

The police are in Kampala, two days' drive away.

There's a lot of really important stuff in those bags.

Oh well, "Hasa Diga Eebowai."

'Scuse me?

You're in Northern Uganda now,

and in this part of Africa, we all have a saying.

Whenever something bad happens, we just throw our hands to the sky

and say "Hasa Diga Eebowai!"

Hasa Diga Eebowai?

It's the only way to get through all these troubled times.

There's war, poverty, famine...

But having a saying makes it all seem better!

There isn't enough food to eat Hasa Diga Eebowai

People are starving in the street Hasa Diga Eebowai

Hasa Diga Eebowai! Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Well, that's pretty neat!

Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?

Kind of!

We've had no rain in several days (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

And eighty percent of us have AIDS (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

Many young girls here get circumcised Their clits get cut right off (Way oh!)

And so we say up to the sky Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Hasa Diga Eebowai! Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Now you try! Just stand up tall, tilt your head to the sky,

and list off the bad things in your life.

Somebody took our luggage away (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

The plane was crowded and the bus was late

(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

When the world is getting you down There's nobody else to blame (Way oh!)

Raise your middle finger to the sky And curse his rotten name

Wait, what?

Hasa Diga Eebowai! Am I saying that right?

Excuse me, sir, but what exactly does that phrase mean?

Well, let's see... "Eebowai" means "God", and "Hasa Diga" means...

..."Fuck you!".

So I guess in English it would be, "Fuck you, God!" (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

What?!!

When God fucks you in the butt, (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

Fuck God back right in his cunt (Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

Hasa Diga Eebowai! What a nifty phrase!

Hasa Diga Eebowai Hasa Diga Eebowai

Hasa Diga Eebowai Hasa Diga Eebowai

You have to stop saying that!

What? Hasa Diga...

No! It means something very bad.

What?

They're saying F you to Heavenly Father!

F you Heavenly Father?!

Holy Moly! I said it like thirteen times!

Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Fuck you, God!) Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Fuck you, God!)

Excuse me, sir, but you should really not be saying that.

Things aren't always as bad as they seem.

Oh, really? Well, take this fucking asshole, Mutumbo, here. He got caught last week

trying to rape a baby.

What!? Why?

Some people in his tribe believe that having sex with a virgin

will cure their AIDS. There aren't many virgins left, so some of them

are turning to babies.

But... that's horrible!

I know!

(Hasa Diga Eebowai!)

Here's the butcher, he has AIDS Here's the teacher, she has AIDS

Here's the doctor, he has AIDS – Here's my daughter she has A...

...wonderful disposition!

She's all I have left in the world

And if either of you lays a hand on her...

I will give you my AIDS!

If you don't like what we say Try living here a couple days

Watch all your friends and family die Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Fuck you!

Fuck...

...you...

Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth, and cunt-a

Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth, and cunt-a

Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth, and cunt-a

Fuck you in the eye!

Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth, and cunt-a

Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth, and cunt-a

Fuck you, God, in the ass, mouth, and cunt-a

Fuck you in the other eye!

Hasa Diga Eebowai! Fuck you, fuck you God

Hasa Diga Eebowai! Fuck you, fuck you God

Hasa Diga Eebowai! Fuck you, fuck you God

Hasa Diga!

Fuck you God!

In the cunt!

Fuck you, God!

This is where my father asked me to bring you.

The others like you should be inside.

Thank you very much, Jam ban Chofi.

Nabulungi.

Nam ban Chofi.

Ah, I'm sorry.

We, we really appreciate your help, Nabulungi.

Oh hey, hey...

Um, heh, um, um, look, maybe,

maybe sometime Elder Cunningham and I could, could talk to you,

maybe tell you a little bit about

the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?

I, I have to get back to my village, but I am always there

if you would like to talk.

Just, just one piece of advice:

No matter how hot you get at night, keep your windows closed.

It is the only way to protect against the scorpions.

And the mosquitoes.

And the lions.

And the murderers and the robbers, and the AIDS, and the snakes,

and the safari ants,

which can actually plant their eggs underneath your skin

and eat you from the inside out.

Man elder, can you believe this?

I know, she is such a hot shade of black, right?

She's like, she's like a latte.

Let's go inside and meet the other elders, alright?

Hello?

The new recruits are here!

Welcome Elder Price and Elder Cunningham.

I am Elder McKinley, current district leader

for this area of the Uganda mission.

Nice to meet you.

And my name is Elder Church,

originally from the great city of Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Elder Michaels from Provo.

Elder Thomas, but the elders here all call me Elder Pop-Tart,

'cause I love them so much.

And over there are Elder Neeley and Elder Davis.

Whoa, that's a lot to remember.

Let's sit, let's sit.

Well, we've all been together about three months now,

spreading the Word of Christ,

saving the souls of the fine Ugandan people through baptism.

Well uh, how many have you baptized so far?

Uh... zero.

That's practically nothing.

Zero, yes, but there's always hope that tomorrow will be different.

Right!

Because tomorrow is a Latter Day!

Hey, are you alright, partner?

Yeah. I'm just ah...

I'm just getting a little confused... right now, so.

Oh, confused.

Well elder, that is natural. There are certainly a lot of

things here in Uganda that can be... disturbing.

But your mission has officially started.

Which means you have to do what we have all done.

I got a feelin' That you could be feelin'

A whole lot better than you feel today

You say you got a problem? Well that's no problem

It's super-easy not to feel that way

When you start to get confused Because of thoughts in your head

Don't feel those feelings

Hold them in instead

Turn it off

Like a light switch Just go click

It's a cool little Mormon trick We do it all the time

When you're feelin' certain feelings

that just don't seem right

Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light

And turn them off Like a light switch

Just go bap Really, what's so hard about that?

Turn it off!

Turn it off! Right? Okay

When I was young my dad Would treat my mom real bad

Every time the Utah Jazz would lose

He'd start a-drinkin' And I'd start a-thinkin'

"How am I gonna keep my Mom from getting abused?"

I'd see her all scared And my soul was dyin'

My dad would say to me "now don't you dare start cryin'!"

Turn it off

Like a light switch Just go click

It's our nifty little Mormon trick

Turn it off!

Turn. It. Off!

My sister was a dancer But she got cancer

The doctor said she still had two months more

I thought she had time So I got in line

For the new iPhone at the Apple Store

She lay there dying with my father and mother

Her very last words were "Where is my brother?"

Turn it off!

Bid those sad feelings adieu

The fear that I might get cancer too...

When I was in fifth grade I had a friend, Steve Glade

He and I were close as two friends could be

One thing led to another, and soon I would discover

(Wow!)

I was having really strange feelings for Steve...

I thought about us On a deserted island

(We're all alone...)

We'd swim naked in the sea, and then he'd try and...

Woah! Turn it off!

Like a light switch

There it's gone! (Good for you!)

My hetero side just won!

I'm all better now

Boys should be with girls, That's Heavenly Father's plan

So if you ever feel you'd rather be with a man

Turn it off!

Well, Elder McKinley,

I think it's okay that you're having gay thoughts.

Just so long as you never act upon them.

No, 'cause then you're just keepin' it down

Like a dimmer switch on low... (On low...)

Thinking nobody needs to know (Uh oh...)

But that's not true!

Being gay is bad, But lying is worse

So just realize you have a curable curse,

And turn it off! (Turn it off!)

Turn it off!

Now, how do you feel?

The same.

Awww.

Then you've only got yourself to blame

You didn't pretend hard enough

Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes

Then find the box that's gay and

CRUSH IT!

Okay?!

No, no.

I'm not having gay thoughts.

Alright! It worked!

Yay!

He turned it ooooff! (Turned it off!)

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Like a light switch

Just go 'click'! (Click click!)

What a cool little Mormon trick (Trick trick!)

We do it all the time!

When you're feelin' certain feelings

that just don't seem right (don't seem right)

Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light

And turn it off!

Like a light switch on a cord And now he isn't gay any

Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...

Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...

Turn it...

Turn it off! (Off!)

Alright elders, alright.

Our two new missionaries

must be exhausted from all their travels.

Let's show them their room so they can unpack.

A six, seven, eight.

Tada.

All right! Check it out!

We get to sleep right next to each other!

Alright elders, get settled in.

Now, according to missionary rules,

lights out promptly at 10,

and we all wake up at exactly 6:30.

I've heard a lot of great things about you, Elder Price.

I'm really hopin' you can... turn things around here.

Hoho, don't worry. We will.

Elders, we're glad you're here.

Heavenly Father, as we prepare to turn in for the night,

we ask that you give us the... the strength to spread your wisdom

and also, and also the knowledge-

Do you think Frodo was really the hero of The Lord of the Rings?

Sometimes I think it was actually Samwise that did everything.

What?

I mean think about it: Who got the ring back from Gollum?

Hm? OH! Samwise.

And who pulled Frodo up the side of the mountain?

Just think about however to-

I remember now! Samwise Gamgee did it!

Okay um, uh, Elder,

I- Maybe we should have some companionship evaluation time.

Oh, yeah!

Alright!

Uh, you clearly... have a great passion for uh...

for, for things.

And, and and you like to talk about... stuff?

Um, I was wondering if maybe uh,

the things and stuff you seem to be focusing on

are the things and stuff that apply to the reason we are here.

Can you do that for me?

I'd do anything for you! I'm your best friend.

Well, all right... Let's get some sleep, huh?

Yeah... Oh yeah.

Sleep now, little buddy, Put your cares aside

Nappy with a happy face, I am by your side

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to make you feel better.

I feel fine.

But this is what I'm talking about.

Your focus needs to be on our work.

Do you understand how difficult this is gonna be?

The missionaries here have yet to baptize a single person.

Well, if they had already baptized a bunch of people here,

then it wouldn't be so incredible when you did it, now would it?

I guess. I guess that's sort of true...

Don't worry. I'm not gonna let you down.

Today we're gonna bring lots of Africans to the church.

I just know it.

You know what, Elder? You're alright.

Really?

Yeah.

Evening star shines brightly, God makes life anew!

Sleep now, tighty night! And I am here for you.

I am here for you, too.

We are here, for us.

Goodnight, best friend!

Goodnight, pal.

Nabulungi! Where have you been?!

Baba, look what I found in the market!

What have I told you about wandering off?!

The market is not safe!

But Baba, I finally found one.

A texting device.

Now I can text all of my friends.

Listen to me woman! Do not go to the market again!

The general is mutilating girls in the next village over!

Baba I'm sorry.

Nabulungi, we must be careful.

If we want to stay alive,

our village needs to lay low and not attract any attention.

City lights here we go from northern ligh...

Let's go out and get some placements!

Right! Uh, what's a placement again?

A placement is getting somebody to take a Book of Mormon.

If you give one out, that counts as a placement. Remember?

Right, I knew that...

Look, maybe you should just let me do the talking and you can sort of

support what I'm saying by going "oh wow" and stuff like that.

Yeah!

Yeah, like one of those infomercials.

You know how they have, how they always have some guy

trying to sell something and then, there's always some lady

standing next to them saying "Oh wow, what an incredible offer!"

I'm, I'm like that lady!

Okay. Yeah! Okay, whatever.

Uh, what do you say we just start with this little house, huh?

We just walk up like we're at the missionary training center.

Okay!

- Okay! - Okay!

There's no doorbell! There isn't any doorbell!

What do you want?!

Oh... Hello ma'am, do you ever feel like there's something

missing from your life?

Um, when you go to sleep at night, do you sometimes

feel a power stirring inside you?

Yes. That's how I feel.

Oh. You sir! Come on down here, huh?

Do you find yourself asking questions about this feeling?

Yes.

And it's because... you want to believe in something else, isn't it?

No, it's because I have maggots in my scrotum.

You've got what?!

I have maggots in my scrotum. Can you tell?

Well, uh, you, you should probably see the doctor.

I am the doctor.

Just calm down, calm down! I got this.

Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to tell you all

about a very special book.

Eh, what kind of book?

Well, this book tells you how to find Paradise... through Christ.

They've heard of the Bible. We all have.

Banbanchelfi. Hey girl.

People come and tell us about Jesus and him

dying for our sins once a year.

They always come, tell us the story, and leave!

Nothing is better! Your Bible doesn't work.

Well of course that didn't work.

Those were Christian missionaries. We're Mormons.

What's the difference?

We've got a little more... pizzazz.

A touch more rock 'n' roll.

And most important, a hip new prophet by the name of Joseph Smith.

Have you heard of the All-American Prophet?

The blond-haired, blue-eyed voice of God?

He didn't come from the Middle East like those other holy men,

The most blessed Prophet was All-American!

I'm gonna take you back to Biblical times. 1823.

An American man named Joe livin' on a farm

In the holy land of upstate New York!

You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?

That's right! That young man spoke to God!

He spoke to God?

And God said "Joe, people really need to know that the Bible isn't two parts!

There's a part three to The Bible, Joe!

And I, God, have anointed you to dig up this part three

that's buried by a tree on a hill in your backyard!"

Wow! God says go to your backyard and start digging!

That makes perfect sense!

Joseph Smith went up on that hill and dug where he was told!

And deep in the ground Joseph found shining plates of gold!

What are these golden plates? Who buried them here and why?

Then appeared an angel: His name was Moroni!

I... am Moroni.

The All-American angel!

My people lived here long, long ago!

This is a history of my race, please read the words within

We were Jews who met with Christ, but we were All-American!

But don't let anybody see these plates except for you...

They are only for you to see...

Even if people ask you to show the plates to them, don't

Just copy them onto normal paper

Even though this might make them

question if the plates are real or not...

This is sort of what God is going for...

Joseph took the plates home and wrote down what he found inside

He turned those plates into a book, Then he rushed into town and cried:

Hey! God spoke to me and gave me this blessed ancient tome

He has commanded me to publish it And stick it in ev'ry home!

Wow! So the Bible is actually a trilogy

and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?!

I'm interested!

Now many people didn't believe the prophet Joseph Smith.

They thought he made up this part three that was buried by a tree

on the hill in his backyard.

Many people even called Joseph Smith a liar.

So Joe said,

This is no lie, I speak to God all the time and he told me

to head west! So I'll take my part three from the hill with the tree

Feel free if you'd like to come along with me to the promised land!

Paradise, on the west coast!

Nothing but fruit and fields as far as the eye can see!

Joe led his followers across the USA

Spreading their new religion to folks along the way

They kept searching for that promised land, no promise there would be.

And as they passed through every town, the Mormons would decree!

Have you heard of the All-American prophet?

He found a brand-new book about Jesus Christ!

We're following him to Paradise, we call ourselves Mormon

And our new religion is All-American!

Wow, this all sounds so incredibly awesome!

The Mormons kept on searching for that place to settle down

But every time they thought they found it they got kicked out of town

And even though people wanted to see the golden plates

Joseph never showed 'em!

I...

...have maggots in my scrotum

Um... okay...

Well, anyway...

Now comes the part of our story That gets a little bit sad

On the way to the promised land, Mormons made people mad

Joseph was shot by an angry mob And knew he'd soon be dead

And even as his life drained away, he stood by what he said:

You must now lead the people, my good friend Brigham Young

You're wise and pure of heart, and... all-Ameri... can

Oh God, Why are you letting me die

Without having me show people the plates?

They'll have no proof I was telling the truth or not

They'll have to believe me just... 'cause

Oh... I guess that's kinda what you were going for...

The prophet Joseph Smith died for what he believed in.

But his followers, they kept heading west.

And Brigham Young led them to paradise.

A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City.

And we come from there today to tell you

what those early settlers sang long ago!

Have you heard of the All-American Church

Here's a pocket hand-held Bible for you!

It'll all make sense if you read Part 3,

so follow those books from the hill with the tree!

And you'll reach the promised land too!

Keep you word and then we'll also throw in a set of steak knives!

All-American!

So? Who would like their very own copy of the Book of Mormon?

What the fuck is a steak knife?

What the heck were you doing?!

Just doing my part, you know, 'cause we're supposed to be a team.

Well... there's nothing in the Book of Mormon about steak knives!

I'm sorry. I've never actually read it.

You what?

It's... it's just so boring!

How could I even believe that you...?

JUMAMOSI!

He's here!

What is this?! Some kind of public assembly?!

My name is General Koni, leader of the NRA Rebellion and protector!

Here you don't protect anyone!

We have not signed up for your rebellion!

It is just a gang of thugs who steal and mutilate women for no reason!

For no reason?!

The clitoris... is an abomination! Its voodoo power...

...has brought a wrath upon Uganda and it must be cast out!

My wife's body is none of your business! And you are no general.

By the end of the week, all females in this village will be circumcised!

Or else...

All right, they're all gone.

You have to stay indoors, Nabulungi!

Keep the lights off, and the windows closed!

But Baba, we have to help and fight him!

We can't fight against this, Nabulungi!

We just have to hope they move on!

- But Baba... they white boys... - What?

They said they know the answers to our problems.

I have to go check on the others!

Listen to me, Baba!

The Mormons talked about people who were miserable like us,

but they all found someplace to go. Somewhere wonderful.

I'm going to text them right now and tell them we are interested.

Put that stupid thing down!

Just stay inside, and do not open the door for anyone!

My mother once told me of a place With waterfalls and unicorns flying

Where there was no suffering, no pain

Where there was laughter instead of dying

I always thought she’d made it up To comfort me in times of pain

But now I know that place is real Now I know its name

Sal Tlay Ka Siti Not just a story mama told

But a village in Ootah Where the roofs are thatched with gold

If I could let myself believe I know just where I’d be

Right on the next bus to paradise: Sal Tlay Ka Siti

I can imagine what it must be like This perfect, happy place

I’ll bet the goat meat there is plentiful,

And they have vitamin injections by the case

The warlords there are friendly They help you cross the street

And there’s a Red Cross on every corner

With all the flour you can eat!

Sal Tlay Ka Siti The most perfect place on Earth

Where flies don’t bite your eyeballs And human life has worth

It isn’t a place of fairy tales It’s as real as it can be

A land where evil doesn’t exist Sal Tlay Ka Siti

And I'll bet the weather is nice there

And I'm sure the streets are clean

And I hope that when I get there I’ll be able to fit in...

Will I fit in?

Sal Tlay Ka Siti A land of hope and joy

And if I want to get there I just have to follow that white boy

You were right, mama, you didn’t lie The place is real, and I’m gonna fly!

I’m on my way

Soon life won’t be so... shitty

Now salvation has a name

Sal Tlay Ka Siti

O. M. Gosh you guys, I am freaking out!

What is it?

I just got off the phone with the zone leader.

The mission president wants a written progress report from us this week!

A progress report? But we don't have any baptisms.

I know that! What are we gonna do?!

Okay okay okay! Hold on!

I mean, maybe we should just... say... we had some baptisms.

What? You mean, lie?

Well...

Are you an idiot?! Mormons don't lie!

I once told a lie when I was 12

and I had a dream that I went to Hell!

It was really spooky.

You did? I got the worst hell dreams

after the day that my sister died.

You guys have the hell dreams too?

Look, we've all had the Spooky Hell Dream, people.

I have it nightly.

The issue now is what the heck

am I supposed to tell the Mission President!

Elder Price? What happened to you?!

Africa... is nothing like The Lion King!

I think that movie took a lot of artistic license!

He's upset because we just saw some guy get shot in the face.

I can't continue my mission in this way!

There's absolutely nothing I can accomplish here!

Elder Price, you cannot lose your cool on me now!

We're about to get evaluated by the Mission President!

The Mission President...

That's it, I need to go talk to the

Mission President and get transferred!

Buddy!

Buddy, I know things seem tough right now,

but remember, tomorrow is a Latter Day!

Yeah!

Latter Day doesn't mean tomorrow!

It means the afterlife! Reckoning!

Latter Day, when good people get to go to Heavenly Father

and they get everything they've always wanted!

I'm out of here!

Hey, hey! Are you forgetting Rule Number 23?!

You may not... leave the living quarters after 9 pm!

To heck with the rules!

I'm not wasting the most important two years of my life!

Hey uh... Hold up, you forgot me!

Elder Cunningham! Do you also want to break Rule Number 23?

Oh no! What am I supposed to do?

According to Rule Number 23, I can't leave the living quarters after curfew!

But according to Rule Number 72 I can't leave my companion alone!

This is like a Matrix logic trick!

Rule 23, Rule 72, Rule 23...

I CAN'T SEE!

It's been a thing since I was a kid.

I'm sorry guys, he's my best friend!

Hey, come on!

We're supposed to be together at all times!

I can't do something incredible here!

Okay! Stop, breathe, think! This isn't what you want to do.

Yes it is!

Okay! Uhhh, right.

If that's what you want to do, then that's what we're doin'.

We're transferring. I'm with you-

I didn't say we're transferring!

I said I am.

Oh I see...

Look, you and me, we're s- not that compatible, alright?

Well we only became best friends a few days ago. May-

And I'm not your best friend!

I just got stuck with you by the missionary training center!

I didn't mean to... I didn't mean to say "stuck"...

It's just that-

Eh, yeah, yeah, it's fine.

It's, it's alright. I know how it goes.

It's really fine. I'll be, I'll be totally fine.

Yes! Yes, you will be fine.

It's just that we... need um... different things.

- Right. - You know?

Right, just... different things is all.

It was really nice meeting you.

Yeah... You too. Take it easy.

Evening star shines brightly God makes life anew

Sleep now, tighty night I was there for you

There you are! Thank goodness I found you. Where is your friend?

Uh, I don't have any friends.

No! I have written Elder Price a text.

Here. It says to please come back to the village. We are ready.

To do what?

To listen to him.

I texted everyone that we have to give Elder Price a chance.

Well I'm sorry, he's requested a transfer.

What is a transfer?

That means he'll be sent somewhere else.

No, he can't leave. We are ready to listen.

It's too late. He's already made up his mind.

What about you?

Me? What?

He is gone, but you are still here.

You will lead us!

Teach us everything about what is in the Book of Mormon!

Me?

Nooo! Noohoho!

I'm a follower.

Everyone's waiting.

Come back to the village and you will have your listeners.

I swear it.

What did Jesus do When they sentenced him to die?

Did he try to run away? Did he just break down and cry?

No, Jesus dug down deep, knowing what he had to do

When faced with his own death, Jesus knew that he had to...

Man up He had to man up

So he crawled up on that cross, and he stuck it out

And he manned up Christ, he manned up

And taught us all what real manning up is about

And now it's up to me, and it's time to man up

Jesus had his time to, now it's mine to man up

I'm taking the reins, I'm crossing the bear

And just like Jesus, I'm growing a pair!

I've gotta stand up, can't just clam up

It's time to man up!

'Cause there's a time in your life when you know you've got to man up

Don't let it pass you by There's just one time to man up

Watch me man up like nobody else!

I'm gonna man up all over myself!

I've got to get ready It's time to, time to...

What did Jesus do when they put nails through his hands?

Did he scream like a girl, or did he take it like a man?

When someone had to die to save us from our sins,

Jesus said, "I'll do it," and he took it on the chin!

He manned up, and manned up

He took a bullet for me and you That's man up, real man up

And now it's my time to do it too!

Time to be a hero and slay the monster!

Time to battle darkness You're not my father!

I'm gonna time to, just watch me go!

Time to stand up and steal the show!

Time to, time to, time to, time to, time to...

Sal Tlay Ka Siti, a place of hope and joy

To man up!

And if we want to go there, we just have to follow that white boy

Time to!

Heavenly Father, why do you let bad things happen?

- Ka-lay-ka Siti! - Did you get my text?

I can't believe all the terrible things you let happen!

Ka-lay-ka Siti, we got your text!

I don't belong in a place like this! (Man up!)

Take me back to where things make sense!

A place I know where God exists: Orlando!

Orlando!

We will listen to the fat white guy!

My time to, time to Now it's my time to, time to!

But Hasa Diga Eebowai!

No time to, not time to Now it's time to, time to!

I'm in the lead for the very first time!

I'm home with the people to show me ta-

Mine to!

I've got to stand up, get my flippin' can up

It's time to, time to!

Man up! Sal Tlay Ka Siti

Orlando! Sal Tlay Ka Siti

Man up! Orlando!

Sal Tlay Ka Siti Sal Tlay...

It is time to...

I have maggots in my scrotum!

Indeed, it came to pass that the prophet Joseph Smith

discovered the Book of Mormon on golden plates.

But what exactly is the Book of Mormon about?

It tells of two Hebrew tribes that walked in ancient America.

The gentle Nephites, and the wicked Lamanites.

They fought many great battles,

but then, just after his crucifixion, Christ appeared.

I... am Jesus.

I've just been crucified on the other side of the world.

I only have three days before I am resurrected,

but in that time I will preach here to you in America.

And lo, Christ spoke of many things,

and the Nephites came forth

and wrote the teachings on plates of gold.

Plates that became the Book of Mormon,

a book that is still today read by missionaries all over the world!

And it came to pass that the Nephites did gather together

a great number of men, even to exceed the number of 30,000.

Uh...

And it came to pass that, in the same year,

they had a number of battles in which the Nephites...

...did beat the Lamanites and did slay many of them.

And what the fuck does that mean?

It means, you know,

you should be nice to each other, or s- or something.

And lo! The LORD was so displeased with the Lamanites that he caused

a cursing to come upon them.

And wherefore as they were white and delightsome, the LORD God

did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them, and God said-

Uh... Nev- mi-, never mind, let's, let's forget that part.

How is this supposed to make things better for us?

The general is going to come back,

and if he sees us here, we are all dead!

Baba, please! We just need to listen.

To what?!

Three hours we've been listening to him talk about stupid shit

that happened on the other side of the Earth

thousands of years ago! It has nothing to do with us.

Yeah! And those Nephites

probably didn't even have AIDS to deal with!

Uh?! Sure they did! Sure they did!

Back then people had even worse AIDS!

Yeah! And lo, the LORD said unto the Nephites:

"I know you're really depressed, what with all your AIDS,

and everything, but there's an answer in Christ."

You see? This book can help us.

I just told a lie...

No wait, I didn't lie,

I just used my imagination

And it worked!

You're making things up again, Arnold

But it worked, Dad!

You're stretching the truth again and you know it

Don't be a fibbing Fran, Arnold

Joseph Smith?

Because a lie is a lie

It's not a lie!

You're making things up again, Arnold

Oh conscience!

You're taking the Holy Word and adding fiction

Be careful how you proceed, Arnold

When you fib, there's a price

Ah, this is bullshit!

The story that I have been told is that the way to cure AIDS

is by sleeping with a virgin!

Ah, I'm going to go and rape a baby.

WHAT? OH MY, NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! NO!

Why not?!

Because that is definitely against God's will!

Says who?!

Where in that book of yours does it say anything about

sleeping with a baby?! Huh?! Nowhere!

Uh, behold!

The LORD said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith,

"You shall NOT have sex with that infant!"

And lo Joseph said, "Why not, LORD? Huh? Why not?"

And the LORD said,

"if you lay with that infant, you shall...

burn in the fiery pits of... Mordor!”

Really?

Uh huh... Uh huh.

"A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith. I shall give unto

you a... a FROG." And thus, Joseph laid with the frog,

and his AIDS was no more!

You're making things up again, Arnold

You're recklessly morphing the words of Jesus

You can't just say what you want, Arnold

Come on, Hobbits!

You're digging yourself a deep hole

I'm making things up again, kind of,

But this time it's helping a dozen people

It's nothing so bad, because this time

I'm not committing a sin just by making things up again!

- Right? - No!

Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!

What? What is it?

Gotswana is going to cut off his daughter's clitoris.

Huh?

This is all very interesting, but the general said that

it is because our women aren't circumcised that God

has brought this wrath upon us!

No, doing that to a lady is definitely against Christ's will!

How do you know?!

Christ never said nothin' 'bout no clitoris!

YES! YES HE DI-ID!

In ancient New York three men were about to cut off

a Mormon woman's cli- toris.

But, right before they did, Jesus had...

Boba Fett turn them into frogs!

Frogs?

You mean like the frog that got fucked by Joseph Smith?

Riiight. Riiiight, like those frogs.

For "a clitoris is holy amongst all things," said He.

You're making things up again, Arnold (We're learning the truth)

You're taking the Holy Word and adding fiction (The truth about God!)

Be careful how you proceed, Arnold (We're going to Paradise!)

When you fib, there's a price

Who would have thought I'd have this magic touch?

Who'd have believed I could man up this much?

I'm talkin', they're listenin', My stories are glistenin',

I'm gonna save them all with this stuff!

You're making things up again, Arnold. (Elder Cunningham!)

You're making things up again, Arnold. (Holy prophet man!)

You're making things up again, Arnold. (Our savior!)

You're making things up again...

Hmm, up again making things you are

Arnold...

I'm here!

This is it!

I'm here!

Orlando!

Ah! It's even better than I could've imagined!

The streets are clean, the people are happy...

Epcot Center. I can see the ball!

The funny thing is, I don't really remember getting here.

Wait, this can't be Orlando.

I don't even remember the plane landing.

What's happening to me? Where am I?

Elder Price!

Who is that?!

You broke the rules, Elder! Your soul belongs to me now!

Mickey?

Hahaha, think again, Minion! You now dwell in eternal flame!

I remember this place!

Long ago when I was five

I snuck in the kitchen late at night

And ate a doughnut with a maple glaze

My father asked who ate the snack I said that it was my brother Jack

And Jack got grounded for fourteen days

I've lived with that guilt all of my life

And the terrible vision that I had that night

No, please! I don't wanna go back!

Down, down thy soul is cast!

From the Earth whence forth ye fell!

The path of fire leads thee To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Welcome back to Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

You are having A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!

And now I've gone and done it again (Rectus!)

I committed another awful sin (Dominus!)

I left my mission companion all alone (Spookytus!)

Oh God, how could I have done this to you? (Deus!)

How could I break Rule 72? (Creepyus!)

And now my soul hath just been thrown

Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Down, down to Satan's realm See where you belong!

There is nothing you can do

No escape from Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

You blamed your brother for eating the doughnut,

and now you walk out on your mission companion?!

You're a dick!

Jesus, I'm sorry!

Jesus hates you, this we know! For Jesus just told you so!

You remember Lucifer?!

He is even spookier!

HAAA HA HAAA! Bring him to meeee! AAAAHAHAAAA!

Minions of Hades, have you heard the news?

Kevin was caught playing hooky!

Now he's back with all you Cath'lics and Jews!

It's super spooky-wooky!

I'm sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me

To break the rules, please I don't wanna be

In this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, Johnnie Cochran

Their spirits all surround you! Spooky, spooky, spoooo-ky!

I started a war und killed millions of Jews!

I slaughtered the Chinese!

I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

I got OJ free!

You think that's bad? I broke Rule 72!

I left my companion and I'm way worse than you!

I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Oh, Heavenly Father!

Please give me one more chance!

I won't break the rules again!

No, no more! Please!

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

Dad! Dad! ARGH!

I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!

Welcome, welcome to Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

You are never waking up from Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Oh, please help me Father! (Down, down thy soul is cast)

Please let me wake up! (From the Earth whence forth ye fell)

Give me one more chance! (This must be it, you must be there)

I won't let you down again! (In Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!)

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!

Spooky Mormon Hell Dream done!

I think he's coming to.

Come on, Elder Price. Wake up, buddy.

Wait, what?! Where am I?!

It looks like you passed out at the bus station.

We were so worried!

Oh I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I had a little, uh meltdown, last night.

But I'm not leaving.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah, I realized... that I was... That I was wrong,

and I'm gonna stay here and stick to my work!

Oh. You had the Hell dream, didn't you?

Was I in it?

...Arnold. Oh, hey guys.

Elder Cunningham,

where on Heavenly Father's green Earth have you been?

Oh, nowhere much,

just with ten eager Africans who are now interested in the Church!

Yes, yep, they're completely into the teachings and ready to learn more.

Are you serious, Elder Cunningham? That's amazing!

Oh, Elder Price. Hey.

Hey...

So, did you find yourself a new... companion?

No. No, I didn't. And I'm sorry about that.

But this is great, Elder Cunningham.

If you've got some eager followers,

we could really turn things around here!

I think we should start... preparing which verses

we're going to teach them, maybe maybe prep some exercises,

or find some, some music, maybe then-

WOOAAHHH! WOH-HOOAAAHHH! You left me! Remember?

Yes, I know. And I'm sorry.

But Heavenly Father has shown me I need to stay here!

So now what? I'm just supposed to take you back?

Elder Cunningham. We must all work in pairs. Remember?

Give Elder Cunningham a break!

If it's working better this way, then, leave Elder Price out of it.

Now, how many of the people want to have follow-up sessions?

Oh um, let's see, all of them!

Do you think we might actually get a baptism out of this?

They always say you just have

to get that first baptism and the others will follow!

Hold up! I know I'm doing a really good job and all, but let's not

get too carried away, I mean, a lot of the people here are

so scared to death of that General Koni guy.

It's true.

Everywhere we go, people keep talking about General Koni,

and how he'll kill them. Sometime I'd like to convince

that general that what he's doing is wrong.

Well no one is going to change how a warlord thinks.

That would take something... incredible.

Something incredible Something incredible

Look, let's just be happy

that Elder Cunningham has the people interested.

It's okay you guys! I've got everything under control!

I know what Heavenly Father wants for me now.

This whole country is gonna be SAVED!

Ever since I was a child I tried to be the best

So what happened?

My family and friends all said I was blessed

So what happened?

It was supposed to be all so exciting

To be teaching of Christ 'cross the sea

But I allowed my faith to be shaken Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed to help the needy

To do the things I never dared

This was the time for me to step up So then why was I so scared?

A warlord who shoots people in the face

What's so scary about that?

I must trust that my Lord is mightier

And always has my back

Now I must be completely devout

I can't have even one shred of doubt!

I believe that the Lord God created the universe

I believe that he sent his only son to die for my sins

And I believe

that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America

I am a Mormon And a Mormon just believes

You cannot just believe partway You have to believe in it all

My problem was doubting the Lord's work,

instead of standing tall

I can't allow myself to have any doubt

It's time to set my worries free

Time to show the world what Elder Price is about

And while I show them, I'll show me!

I believe that God has a plan for all of us

I believe that plan involves me getting my own planet

And I believe

that the current President of the Church, Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God!

I am a Mormon, and dang it, A Mormon just believes!

I know that I must go And do the things my God commands

I realize now why he sent me here!

If you ask the Lord in faith He will always answer you

Just believe in him and have no fear

General! We have an intruder! He just walked right into camp!

I believe that Satan has a hold of you

I believe that the Lord God has sent me here!

And I believe

that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people!

You can be a Mormon A Mormon who just believes

What the fuck is this?!

And now I can feel the excitement

This is the moment I was born to do

And I feel so incredible To be sharing my faith with you

The Scriptures say that if you ask in faith

If you ask God himself, you'll know

But you must ask him without any doubt

And let your spirit grow!

I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob

I believe that Jesus has his own planet as well

And I believe

that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri

If you believe, the Lord will reveal it

And you'll know it's all true You'll just feel it

You'll be a Mormon!

And, by gosh, a Mormon just believes!

Oh, I believe!

I believe!

So,

Jumamosi!

Wait! God has spoken to me, sir!

By the power of God Almighty touch me NOT!

Uh, the power of Christ compels you!

Wait, what are you doing?

Let me go!

No! No! AAAAAHHH!

Right, right.

So Christ said, "You've gotta be strong, you know?

Just because the Lamanites have big Death Star weapons and stuff,

doesn't mean you should let them run your lives, you know?

There's more of you than there are of them;

you've gotta stand up for yourselves!" Christ said.

Oh! Just like the way

the Hobbits all stood up against Brigham Young's killers!

Very good, Middala.

So, the Nephites... fought off the wicked Lamanites,

and for punishment the Lord God turned the Lamanites... yellow!

Oh! Like the Chinese!

Right, right.

Oh-kay we should probably stop there for today.

Hopeful we'll see everyone again tomorrow?

The book is right: we must not fight amongst each other.

The Chinese are the real problem!

I love all these Mormon stories!

They are so fucking weird and interesting!

Elder Cunningham, I just wanted to say,

we are very happy Heavenly Father brought you here.

Oh, thank you.

I have never seen the people here so happy.

Even Baba. You... are amazing.

Oh. Well, I haven't really done that much.

But you have.

I texted my friend

the story of Joseph Smith's battle with diarrhea,

and he said everyone in his village has read it.

You are a great man.

Thank you. I kind of am, huh?

All the Mormons are such amazing people.

They traveled across the United States to find Paradise

in Sal Tlay Ka Siti.

And even though they found it, they still travel the world

to show others the way.

I guess I never really thought of it like that.

Do you think that we are worthy enough to join you?

We have been trying very hard.

And we are ready to do whatever tasks you require of us.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't understand.

There's nothing they have to do to become Mormon.

We let anybody who wants to join up, so long as they're

willing to commit to the Church. Then we can... baptize them.

Well then, would you like to baptize me?

Shh yeah, sure, that would be... great.

Okay! Let's do it!

What? Now?

Why not?

Well... to be honest, I've never done it before.

That's okay. Neither have I!

I guess that's true.

Do you know how to baptize someone into the Church?

Sssure, that's something we studied over and over again at...

Mission Control Center.

Please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized.

I swear to dedicate my life to the Church.

Hah, okay, I, uh, just need a second to get ready.

Okay! I'll go get ready too.

I'm about to do it for the first time

And I'm gonna do it with a girl! A special girl

Who makes my heart kinda flutter Makes my eyes kinda blur

I can't believe I'm about to baptize her

He will baptize me He will hold me in his arms

And he will baptize me Right in front of everyone

And it will set me free When he looks into my eyes

And he sees just how much I love being baptized

I'm gonna baptize her Bathe her in God's glory

And I will baptize her With everything I got

And I'll make her beg for more As I wash her free of sin

And it'll be so good She'll want me to baptize her again

Excuse me, I, I need another minute!

Never known a boy so gentle

One like him is hard to find A special kind

He makes my heart kind of flutter Like a moth in a cocoon

I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!

I'm gonna baptize you! I'm through with all my stallin'

You're gonna baptize me! I'm ready to let you do it

And it will set us free It's time to be immersed

And I'm so happy you're about to be my first!

OK. Are you ready?

I am ready. So how do we do it?

Well, I hold you like this.

Yeah?

Then I lower you down.

Yeah?

And then I...

I just baptized her! She got dowsed by Heavenly Father

I just baptized her good! I performed like a champ!

I'm wet with salvation!

We just went all the way!

Praise be to God! I'll never forget this day

I baptized you! I gotcha good

You wanted it more, baby!

I'll text you later.

“Dear Mission President, it is my honor to inform you

that the elders of Uganda District 9 have brought

twenty new members into the Church.

They are all fully commited

to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,

and our numbers continue to grow."

This is outstanding.

These boys have converted more Africans

than any district in the country.

Elders of District 9, you have truly honored the Church

by your success.

Congratulations on becoming one... with the people... of Africa.

I am Africa I am Africa

With the strength of the cheetah My native voice shall ring

We are Africa We are the heartbeat of Africa

- With the rhino - The meerkat

The noble Lion King

We are Africa

We are the winds of the Serengeti

We are the sweat of the jungle man

We are the tears of Nelson Mandela

We are the lost boys of the Sudan!

I am Africa

Just like Bono, I am Africa

I flew in here and became one with this land

I'm not a follower anymore No, now I am Africa!

With my Zulu spear I run barefoot through the sand

And I am Africa!

Something incredible You've done something incredible

I have never seen a rectal blockage of this kind

I have seen patients in the past

With rodents or bottles in their ass

But this is something incredible And it blows my freakin' mind!

We are the snows of Kilimanjaro We are gorillas in the mist

We are the galleys of the Amistad We are Fela's defiant fist!

We are Africa

Oh Neosporin it's amazing!

The mission president wants to meet me personally

and he's gonna give me a medal!

Oh elder, that is incredible!

We are Africa The zebra and giraffica

Are you telling me that an entire village is wearing white

and dunking themselves into water?!

Well what type of... voodoo magic is that?!

It freaks me out! They must all be put to death!

We are the Africa The one and only Africa

And the life we live Is primitive and proud!

We are Africa We are deepest, darkest Africa!

We are the fields and fertile forest, well endowed

We are Africa

We are the sunrise on the Savannah

A monkey with a banana

A tribal woman who doesn't wear a bra

Africans are African But we are Africa!

Hit me! Gimme another one! Come ON!

Thank you.

You wanna hear something funny?

I used to think drinking coffee was wrong.

You wanna know why? HM!

Because apparently, a tribe of ancient Jews

lived in America, created huge civilizations and

were visited by Christ, but then, then disappeared,

leaving no archaeological trace of themselves except...

for golden plates, which were then dug up by a farmer who wrote down,

amongst other things, that hot drinks were not for the body

to belly, so I can't have a cup of coffee!

Elder Price? Are you okay?

Well well! If it isn't the super Mormon!

Really changed in Uganda, aren'tcha?

I'm doin' what I can.

Yeah? Spreadin' the Word? Makin' more brainwashed zombies?

Elder Price? What happened to you?

I woke up. That's what happened.

Of course you woke up! You drank twelve cups of coffee!

You tell me how it is, huh?!

How is it you converted all those people into Mormons?!

I don't know.

Once I baptized Nagasaki the others just fell into place.

You baptized that girl?

Yeah, I did. Don't hate on me, elder!

You get everything you pray for!

You're doing everything I was supposed to do!

Doesn't that seem a little telling to you?!

Well of what?

That the universe doesn't work the way we were told!

When I was nine years old, my family took a trip.

To Orlando, Florida.

And it was the most... wonderful, most magical place I'd ever seen.

And I decided right then and there,

"This... is where I want to spend eternity."

My parents said that if I made God proud and I did everything

the Church asked, in the latter days, I could have whatever

I wanted. So I worked. And I worked.

And even when I studied Mormon stories and I thought,

"That doesn't really make sense," I kept working!

Because I was told that one day I would get my reward!

PLANET ORLANDO! But what do I have now?

Um... Yeah...

Okay, anyway, so, the uh, the mission president

is coming tomorrow and, I'm without my companion

and, well, it just looks kind of bad-

Aaaa-oh, so thaaat's why you came!

Noo, I came because I care about you-

BULL POOP!

That is bull poop, elder! And you know it!

Look, I know we may not be the best "companions,"

but if we can please just ACT like we're still together,

in front of the mission president,

it would be the best thing for the both of us.

Fine! But don't talk to me! And don't touch me!

- Fine! - Fine!

Orlando Orlando

I liked you, Orlando

Your bright lights Your big dreams

Your promises you couldn't keep

Orlando Orlando

Without you, Orlando

I'm just a guy who will die And never go back... to... you...

Boys! You have all done the most amazing work on your missions.

You are the gleaming examples of Latter-Day Saints.

Praise Christ. Praise Christ.

And you two, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham,

you are the most successful missionaries in all of Africa.

Ohh, thank you sir.

My companion has been so very helpful and there for me.

Praise Christ.

Excuse me! Excuse me mister Mormon President?

My people wish to give you a special welcome.

Uhh... Neutrogena, what are you doing here?

We, we have learned so much from Elder Cunningham,

and as our gift to you we wish to present

the story of Joseph Smith and the first Mormons.

NOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I think this is a very bad idea. Let's not do this.

No no no, elder, this is just the sort of thing

the Mormon leaders need to be seeing.

Yes, yes yes, let's see what these noble Africans have learned.

And now we wish to honor you with the story of Joseph Smith,

the American Moses.

Well, this is very good; praise Christ.

Mormon

I'm going to take you back in time, (Mormon)

to the United States, 1823. (Mormon)

A small and odd village called Upstate New York. (Upstate)

There was disease and famine, (so sick)

but also in this village lived a simple farmer

who would change everything.

His name... was Joseph Smith.

Joseph Smith, American Moses

Praise be to Joseph, American prophet man

Aye my name is Joseph Smith,

and I am going to fuck this baby.

What!?

No no Joseph, don't fuck the baby Joseph Smith, don't fuck the baby

Then God came down from heaven and appeared before Joseph Smith.

Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby

I will get rid of your AIDS If you fuck this frog

Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave him, and his AIDS went away!

Then a great wizard named Moroni came down from the Starship Enterprise.

Joseph Smith, your village is shit.

You shall lead the villagers to a new village.

Here are the fucking directions.

Away

And on the plates were written the directions to a new land.

Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)

Joseph tried to convince all the villagers to follow him and his golden plates.

Liberation, equality, no more slavery for Upstate Mormon people!

I got de golden plates (gold plates)

I'm gonna lead the people (we head West)

We gotta stick together (Mormons)

We gotta help each other (we're Mormons)

And so we climb the mountain (we head West)

And we cross the river (we head West)

And we fight the oppression (Mormons)

By being nice to everyone (we are Mormons)

Not so fast Mormons, you shall not pass my mountain!

Down from the mountain look who comes: the American warlord Brigham Young!

Yeees. I am Brigham Young. I cut off my daughter's clitoris;

that made God angry, so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment.

Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris

What will you do Joseph, will you fight the clitoris man?

Not fight him, help him.

Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog

and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit face.

And behold Brigham was cured!

Joseph Smith, magical AIDS frog

Brigham Young, frog on his clit face

Brigham Young was so grateful, he decided to

join the Mormons on their journey.

Compassion, courtesy, unrelenting politeness from Upstate Mormon People!

I got de golden plates (gold plates)

I'm gonna lead the people (we head West)

We gotta stick together (Mormons)

Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad.

After traveling for so long, the Mormons ran out of fresh water,

and become sick...

with dysentery.

Mormon go to the water, water go to the cup

Cup go to the stomach, shit come out the butt

Shit go in the water, water go in the cup

Shit go down the stomach, shit come out the butt

Ugh, oh fuck!

Oh no, the prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick!

Shit go in the water, water go in the cup

Cup go to the thirsty, shit go to the stomach

Blood come out the butt, blood go in the water

Water go in the cup, cup go to the tongue

Shit blood in the stomach, shit blood in the mouth

Shit blood on the insides, water come out the butt

Brigham Young, you take the golden plates and

lead the Mormons to the Promised Laaaand!

Desperation, mortality, perseverance!

I...

I... got de golden plates (gold plates)

I'm got to lead the people (we head West)

We gotta stick together...

Even though their prophet had died, the Mormons stuck together

and helped each other, and were really nice to everyone they came across.

And then, finally, one day the Mormons found

Sal Tlay Ka Siti. (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)

And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks and Jesus.

Welcome Mormons!

Now, let's all have as many babies as we can

and make big Mormon families!

Fuck your woman, fuck your man, this is all part of God's plan

Mormons fuck all that they can We're in Salt Lake City land

Thank you, thank you, God

Now we are fucking

Thank you, thank you, God

God wants us fucking

Thank you, thank you, God

Get back to fucking

Thank you, thank you, God

Joseph Smith, fuck frog

Brigham Young, clit face

Shit come out the butt

Jesus says: fuck, fuck

Mormons!

Elders!

I'd like to have a word with you... NOW!

I think they liked it.

We are sorry, Mission President, we had no idea...

You keep your mouth shut!

You're in enough trouble as it is!

S-sir, um, I was...

just trying to help the villagers here.

See, they all really wanted to learn.

Elder! Elder, I wanted to give you this.

It's the entire play written in text.

What is going on?

What's going on here

is that you have all brought ridicule down onto the Latter-Day Saints.

But we are all Latter-Day Saints now, right?

You and your people are about as far

from being Latter-Day Saints as it gets.

YOU ALL!

Elder Cunningham, tell them!

We are ready to go to Sal Tlay Ka Siti. My things are packed.

Um... I'm so sorry, Nabagamba, but um,

I never meant that you were actually going to Salt Lake City.

But you said that we could find paradise by listening to you.

Well... when we say that, we mean paradise within yourself.

You know, it's sort of like a... like a Jesus thing.

Oh... I see.

So, when you baptized me, it meant nothing.

No, no! It meant everything!

Uncircumcised women are going to have their families killed!

Where am I supposed to go?!

I don't, um...

I know what you people are now.

You traveled from your sparkling lovely paradise in Ootah

to tell ridiculous stories to people less fortunate to make fun of them!

No no, it isn't like that...

You have crushed my soul! I hope you all had a good laugh.

Elders, you may as well pack all your things.

This district is shut down.

Go home to your parents, and explain to them that you have all...

FAILED... as missionaries!

I really did it this time, huh?

I mean I've, I've always been a screw-up, but this?

The thing is I, I really liked her too, you know?

And in fact, maybe it was like I could almost be a normal person,

with a girl who cared about me, who was... hot.

And instead I made those poor Africans put on

the biggest abomination in Mormon history.

Joseph Smith dying of dysentery? Moroni from the Starship Enterprise?

That play was the most...

beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Huh?

It's like... like you were getting a point across using modern things.

And then you tried to... wait a minute.

You've been trying to teach me

something all along, haven't you?

What?

Here I thought I could just fly in here all on my own

a-a-and change everything by just sticking to Scripture.

While you were trying to show me that, that Scripture

isn't that important!

I was losing my faith, and you went out and did...

something incredible!

You did something incredible

For a people who had nowhere else to go

I thought they were unreachable

but then they were happy, and hopeful,

and wearing costumes. It was almost like...

Orlando...

I'm sorry that it took me so long to...

realize what you were trying to teach me, Elder.

Oh, no that's, that's okay. But what about Nathan Lane?!

I mean, I made her believe in a bunch of made-up crap!

No, no, no, it doesn't matter if the stories are true or not!

That's not the point!

It doesn't matter now 'cause she's gonna get clit cut off

and it's all my fault!

Elder, come on! There is always hope! I will help you fix this!

You... would do that for me?

I'd do anything for you. You're my best friend.

We all need a partner You're the best for me

We both need each other

We're a really awesome team

As long as we're together There's nothing we cannot do

We can make things right again, me and you

But mostly me

So, what did the Mormon President think of our play?

Did Elder Cunningham like it?

He knows we are still in previews, right?

JUMAMOSI!

Well, well. There you are.

There have been rumors that the people of this village

are uniting to oppose us.

Yes. We have been shown another way.

No.

No, we do not oppose you. We will do whatever you say.

Nabulungi, what is wrong?

Our prophet has told us to stick together, to fight oppression!

Forget about Elder Cunningham!

You aren't going to see him ever again!

What are you talking about? Why aren't we?

Because Elder Cunningham... he... he...

he was eaten by lions, alright?

ENOUGH!

There is only one law to obey here and that is mine!

We believe in something else!

No, stop it! All of you! I told you our prophet is gone.

There is no promised land, and there is no salvation.

Oh no! You cannot talk like that, Nabulungi.

Remember the first teachings of the Mormons:

When Joseph Smith died, they did not give up on their hope.

But it isn't true. We aren't going to Sal Tlay Ka Siti.

Nabulungi! Sal Tlay Ka Siti isn't an actual place.

It's an idea.

A metaphor.

All the stories the prophet has told us... are just metaphors.

Yeah.

You don't think a man actually fucked a frog, do you?

That's fucking stupid.

And you all believe this?

Yes.

Hello?

He has risen!

It is a miracle!

Our prophet returns, even from the dead!

There! You see?!

He must have fucked a frog!

Who?! Who has risen from the dead?!

He has! He has!

So, so you might as well just, just put down your guns!

Because they will not work against his... voodoo power!

And if you don't get out of this village, right now,

he is going to command the angel Moroni, from the Death Star,

to unleash the Kraken, which will then... which will then...

which will then... launch Joseph Smith's torpedoes

from its mouth of Christ and turn you into a lesbian!

Oh! Oh Nala, I am so sorry!

Please, if you just give me a chance?

Elder! Elder, you don't have to say anything. I understand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, elders, where do you think you're going?

What do you mean "where are you going"?

We've been shut down.

Yeah, we have to go home.

Who says we have to?

What?

Guys, we wanted to go on a mission so we could

spend two years of our life living someplace exciting

and helping people, right?

Yeah.

Well, so let's do it!

But the mission president said

we're all about as far from Latter-Day Saints as it gets.

Naw, you know what guys?

Fuck. Him.

We are still Latter-Day Saints! All of us!

Even if we, we change some things, or we break the rules,

or we have complete doubt that God exists.

It doesn't change who we are.

Latter-Day doesn't mean afterlife. It means tomorrow.

I am a Latter-Day Saint I know not what the future holds

There are sure to be times of joy and sorrow

Who cares what happens when we're dead?

We shouldn't think that far ahead

The only Latter Day that matters is tomorrow

Screw the Church! Why don't we stay?

Tomorrow is a Latter Day Tomorrow is a Latter Day!

The skies are clearing And now the sun's coming out

It's a Latter Day tomorrow

Put your worries and your sorrows and your cares away

Tomorrow is a Latter Day Tomorrow is a Latter Day

I am a Latter Day Saint Along with my whole town

In love with someone Christ put my way

My family would always doubt me Now Nabulungi really cares about me

And together we will have a Latter Day

We're here for each other every step of the way

And make a Latter Day tomorrow

Americans already found a cure for AIDS But they're saving it for a Latter Day

Tomorrow is a Latter Day

I believe (Tomorrow is a Latter Day)

Love and joy and all the things that matter day

Tomorrow is a bigger, better Latter Day

Tomorrow, tomorrow is a Latter Day

A happy ending on a platter day

Tomorrow is a doper, phatter Latter Day

The skies are clearing and now the sun's coming out

It's a Latter Day tomorrow

Put your worries and your sorrows and your cares away

'Cause tomorrow is a Latter Day

Tomorrow is a Latter Day Tomorrow is a Latter Day

So what will tomorrow bring?

What does the future hold?

I can almost see it now...

Hello

My name is Elder Mutumbo

And I would like to share with you the most amazing book

- Hello - Hello

My name is Sister Kimbe

It's a book about a people who were poor and sad like you

- A sacred text - Hello

- Of pioneers and frogs - Fuck frogs!

And how you can find salvation if you just believe

Heigh ho! Ding dong Hello

Boba Fett!

You have a lovely mud hut

And if you just put down the gun I'll show you...

Oh! Ok, I'll leave!

Hello

My name is Elder Ghali

You will love all of the happiness this book can bring

- Hello - Hello!

My name is Elder Warlord

Did you know that the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?

- Find Paradise - With Jesus Christ

And no more war

- Hello - Nice door!

You read that Book of Mormon, Did you know there's more?

Part Four

- We swear - We really care

- This is not a scam - No ma'am!

Have you heard the story of our prophet Arnold Cunningham?

- Hello - Arnold Cunningham

- Hello - Arnold Cunning...

Heh-hello!

Hello

Our church is going strong

And if you let us in we'll show you how you can belong

Join our family And set your spirit free

We can fully guarantee you That this book will change your life

Hello! This book will change your life

Hello! This book will change your life

This book will change your life

The book of Arnold (Arnold...)

Hello!

We are Latter Day Saints We take life one day at a time

When the chips are down We know just what to say

The past may be in tatters But today is all that matters

Because today is yesterday's Latter Day

Thank you God! Ma ha nei bu, Eebowai!

Why are Mormons happy?

It's because we know It's a Latter Day tomorrow

So if you're sad put your hands together and pray

That tomorrow's gonna be a Latter Day

Yeah! You know it's gonna be a Latter Day

Tomorrow is a Latter Day!

I still have maggots in my scrotum!