Original subtitles

[? upbeat music plays]

Is this mine or yours?

That�s actually yours, but I steal it a lot.

- [chuckles] - Okay.

Have you guys seen my phone?

- Of course not. - Always no.

Issa, I got you a phone lanyard for exactly this reason.

Oh. Well, then has anyone seen my phone lanyard?

- [both scoff] - Again, no.

[groans] I�m just gonna do the thing.

[phone ringing]

Yeah. [hums]

- [hums] Okay. - [Anton] Mmm.

- [vocalizing] - [beatboxing]

- [grunting] - [Anton] Whoo!

Look at that, look at this, look at this, watch this.

[phone continues ringing]

Yeah! I found it!

[Anton, singsongy] Okay, okay. Right there.

- Don�t stop. - [Samir beatboxing]

My grandpa had a heart attack.

- [gasps] What? - [Anton] What?

- Oh, God. Oh, shit. - [Billie] What?

Oh. Wait, this isn�t my phone. [chuckling]

Billie...

I found your phone.

[Samir inhales sharply] Issa, Jesus Christ. [grunts]

- Oh, Bills. - [Anton] It�s gonna be okay.

- Billie, it�s gonna be okay, okay? - [Samir] Yeah.

- [taps] - [phone ringing]

[? "Bad Advice" playing]

[? funky music plays]

[reporter] More than 50,000 runners from around the world

are taking on 26.2 miles...

- [groans] Where�s the drama? - I know.

At a certain point, give us an obstacle. Set a bear free.

- Oh! - See what happens.

- [Issa] Great idea. - Okay, be honest.

Does this blazer work,

or do I look like a divorc�e fighting for full custody?

Full custody, no visitation rights.

- Fuck, I knew it. - Billie, it�s a Sunday.

They can�t make you go into the newsroom on a Sunday.

Make me? Sundays are when PAs get ahead.

I�m about to make the supply closet my bitch.

Hey, when you leave, can you please head out the back?

You see that caution tape I put up?

It was way too close a call with that Postmate the other night.

My dad got a Ring cam notification that said "motion detected."

Or you could just, hear me out, tell your parents that we�re living here.

Mmm, that�s a great idea.

Or you could just hear me out while I say no.

Okay, respectfully,

you are hiding three 24-year-olds from a doorbell camera.

Okay, my parents don�t even like it when the guests use the good towels.

Trust me, honesty is not the best policy here.

Honesty is always the best policy.

[Issa] Mmm.

- [whispering] Tell them. - Okay.

Billie won the Anne Frank Student of Integrity Award in the eighth grade.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I told the principal which kids drank.

- Mmm, just like Anne would. - Okay, I�m with Samir.

So what if the man lies to his sweet, retired parents

So what if the man lies to his sweet, retired parents while they travel the country?

while they travel the country?

Right? Okay, please be careful with the dumplings on the couch.

- Oh. - I�m being careful.

Lying is only a problem if you�re bad at it, right?

If you�re good at it, you�re basically an author.

You�re telling tales, you�re weaving fables.

Yeah, but I feel like I never see you lie.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- I�ve lied to you like three times today. - What? About what?

Hmm. I can�t recall.

- Ugh, I love that sweater. - [gasps]

- [chuckling] Thanks. Me too. - Mm-hmm. [mouthing words]

- [Samir] Anton? - [presenter speaking on TV]

- What? - [Samir] Look.

Nearly two million spectators have lined the course today...

- [Anton] What? - [Issa] Oh, my God!

- [Billie] Wait, what is that? - [objects clatter]

- Shit. [sighs] - [Billie] Is that you?

- [Anton] No, no, no. - [Billie] "We love you, Anton"? What-

- Enhance. Samir, enhance. - Th-Th-That�s not a thing.

[Issa] "Our coworker is faster than your coworker"? What...

- [Anton breathing heavily] - [Billie] Anton.

So, I, um... I may have gotten caught in a lie.

[gasps]

It�s like the wettest dumpling of all time.

So, how exactly did this happen?

[grunts] It�s just a huge misunderstanding.

- [Billie] Hmm. Mmm. - Mainly due to my behaviors and actions.

- That�s the worst. - [Anton] Okay, so last year,

we did this icebreaker at work, where everyone had to go around

and say their name, their hometown and their hobby.

[gasps] But you have no hobbies. Nor passions nor pastimes.

- I know. - [Issa] So, what�d you say?

So I panicked and I said running.

Wait, you run?

- I have ran. - You have run.

He�s not even familiar with the verb.

It was supposed to be a one-off lie,

but you know how coworkers are, right?

You give them one fun fact, and then they just, like, latch onto it.

I know, they�re vampires.

So, I-I told them I was running a 5K, and then I told them I was running a 10K,

and then I, um... I may have mentioned that I was running the marathon this year.

- [Samir] Oh, my... - For breast cancer awareness. Don�t gasp.

- Don�t do it. - [gasps, coughs]

What? I-I didn�t know they�d show up.

[scoffs] It�s a hybrid remote job.

Oh, God, you made a web of lies.

I get it. It�s like when I told everyone I was born deaf.

- You weren�t? What? - [gasps]

- What... Okay. - Anyway, you just have to come clean.

[Anton scoffs]

Or...

Or... Or... I like "or." Let�s explore "or."

Or you could just weave more web.

[Issa gasps]

- Okay, okay, let�s do it. - [Billie] Mm-hmm.

How would that work?

So, we know where your coworkers are waiting.

- Right, right, right. - Right?

So you don�t actually have to run the marathon.

You just have to run one singular block past them,

and the web of lies stays intact.

What happened to the Anne Frank Student of Integrity?

I am honest in my own life, okay?

But we have a responsibility to help our friend Anton out of this.

- Yeah. - Okay, but after this, no more lying.

- Yeah. - Okay, but after this, no more lying.

[Anton] No more lying, promise.

Okay, let�s do this. Should we go now?

Okay, wait, we should wait, like, three hours

- so it�s a more realistic pace. - Got it.

Let�s call it two.

- I�ve been fake training a lot this year. - [scoffs]

- You guys... - Okay. Um, I�m gonna go color-code this.

- [Issa] Ooh! - [sighs] Look at her go, our anal queen.

And you just named our boat.

- [patrons chattering] - [blows ra I can�t think of a pun for my sign.

Pun? Mine just says, "Run, slut."

It does.

- [phone beeps] - [groans] Steve.

[Samir] What?

[sighs] Steve sent me an apology Cameo.

Issa, you�ve been seeing this guy for, like, three weeks.

He�s already on his second apology Cameo.

It�s not his fault that he forgot my birthday, Sammy.

He has ADHD.

Buying a card is like scaling a mountain for him.

Okay, whatever.

[groans, inhales deeply]

Do I just attract shitty guys? Like, is it me?

I mean, obviously it�s not me, but-

- No, it�s you. - What the hell?

- Sammy? - Yeah. Sorry.

If you wanted a pep talk, you could go to Billie,

but you come to me,

you�re gonna get the truth and pocket Sour Straws.

Okay, fine. What is the truth?

- The truth is... - [sighs]

...you take in these, like, strays, and then you�re shocked

every time they turn around and piss all over your leg.

Remember Andy, the street magician?

- He was an unhoused magician, actually. - Okay.

What about that guy who went to NYU for freestyle rap?

Oh, God. He tried to rhyme everything with "bitch."

Itch, ditch, rich.

He�s always just working his way up to "bitch."

Straw?

You know what?

- You�re right. Fine. I�m done. - Mm-hmm.

I�m done fixing these lost, broken men.

- Thank you. - It�s charity. I�m not doing it anymore.

I should get to be the lost and broken one.

- I�d be so good at it. - Sorry. Excuse me.

Can I borrow your bathroom? Can I just...

I�d like a glass of water, please. I feel like I need some water.

[screams] Nobody touch him! I can save him!

- Issa. - [Issa grunts, panting]

Are you a doctor?

Uh, dance teacher.

Why? Do you not feel well?

Can I just get some water, please?

Yes, um, could we please get a water and a Diet Coke?

- Oh. Okay. - Thank you.

- Hi. [panting] - Hi.

- You�re pretty. - You too.

[both chuckle]

I just wanted to check on my chicken fingers.

[waiter] Sorry.

[? upbeat music plays]

[clerk] If you need it by Monday,

- there�s a Monday surcharge. - [door opens]

- Hi. - Hey.

Look, Billie made me a fake bib.

[Samir] Wow.

Yeah, just don�t embarrass me, okay? Kind of a big deal here.

- [clerk] Hey! - Okay.

- [Billie] Hi, guys. - Billie. Billie, Billie.

- Customer of the century. - [chuckles]

? The karaoke queen ?

How much time does she spend at this print shop?

Yo, Billie�s here. Billie�s here. Look.

[clerks] ? Oh, home ?

Rob, it�s your day off.

- ? Let me go home ? - ? Home ?

[all] ? Home is wherever... ?

- I think we have to kill her. - Yeah, I think it�d be a mercy kill.

- ? Oh, home ? - [vocalizing]

? Let me go home ?

? Home is Wherever I�m with you ?

[singsongy] Billie, when are we doing karaoke again?

- [Billie] Name a day. - Yeah, anything you want printed.

- [Billie] Name a day. - Yeah, anything you want printed.

Hannah, you are a lifesaver.

And you need to tell us when your next NewsNight piece is gonna air, girl.

- We�ve been tuning in. - [Billie laughs]

No one believes us that we are friends

with a whole-ass news reporter.

- She does the news, y�all. You knew that? - What?

- Y�all know Billie? Y�all know Big Bill? - [Anton] We know her.

We�re with the reporter. The whole-ass news-

Who is the news reporter that they�re speaking of?

�Cause I know the very truthful PA would never lie about something like that.

Yeah, what would Anne Frank think of something like that?

- [Anton] Huh. - Okay, after this, no more lying.

- Okay. - Okay.

Uh, can we do it six by eight? High contrast.

? Home is Wherever I�m with you ?

[? uplifting music plays]

[spectators cheering]

Excuse me.

- Hi. - What?

Where were you? It�s about to happen.

- She found a stray. - No, no, I did not.

I put a handsome, sweaty man in an Uber and I sent him on his way,

because I am an evolved woman.

Sorry, I�m here now, and I�m ready to support your tiny marathon.

Okay, Anton, your coworkers are 30 yards up that way.

Thirty yards? That is far.

- Anton! - Sorry, sorry.

Okay, and in case they ask any questions, here are our contingencies.

For instance, if they ask you why you don�t have running shoes,

it�s because Issa was supposed to bring them for you,

but she forgot because her fake aunt is in town.

I love that. Her name�s Bonnie and she�s a klepto.

Great. Okay, and now you two are fake fighting,

but she still showed up to support you because her fake therapist told her to,

and Samir is that fake therapist.

No, I don�t like that one. Can I have a different one?

- No. Okay, review that. - [sighing] Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- [Issa gasps] - Breast cancer awareness.

- Oh, nice! - Oh, my God.

- Sweat. - Okay, got it.

Okay. Face.

You guys, here I go.

[? uplifting music playing]

[breathes deeply]

- [echoing] Go, Anton! - [echoing] Yeah, Anton!

[groans]

[? music stops]

[all] Oh.

- [groaning] - [Samir] And he�s got a cramp.

[Billie] And he�s fine.

Someone get him a banana.

- Oh, my God. There he is! Yes! - [cheering]

What?

You guys! No, no!

Oh, my God, I�m emotional.

I�m doing this for you.

And breast cancer, okay? We�re gonna fix it.

- We gotta fix it. - Yes, we can.

- We love you. We love you, buddy. - Mwah, mwah and mwah.

What is he...

Anton?

[coworker] Oh, my God.

[coworkers cheering]

[? music resumes]

- You�re our hero! - Yes, he is!

[? music stops]

[chattering]

Okay, now he�s milking it.

[coworkers] Go, Anton! Go, Anton! Go, Anton!

Oh, I love it!

- Okay, here we go. - [coworker 2] You got this. Oh.

- Is he gonna do it? - He�s gonna end up running a marathon.

Okay, bye!

He�s a riot.

[? music resumes]

Now, help, please. Help, please.

[groans] Thanks.

- God, I�m fake proud of him. - I know. I�m fake proud of us.

To Billie! She pulled the whole thin -Cheers. All right. - It worked.

[Anton] Can I be honest?

I now know what they mean by runner�s high.

- [Samir] Do you? - You know what?

- Your skin looks amazing. - Right?

Endorphins.

Even as I sit here, the endorphins are still with me.

Mmm. Oh, will you get me another one when you�re inside?

Yep. Anything for my favorite reporter.

Okay.

- Me too, please. - Okay.

Okay, wait, wait. So what actually happened with that fainting runner guy?

I told you, I left him alone. No more strays.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

I�m tired of getting hurt. I want a guy with a job

and his own place.

- Okay. - No offense.

Some taken.

- Hello! Hi. Hello. - [Issa] Oh. Hi!

- Oh. Uh... - Hi.

- I hope we�re not intruding. - No.

- We�re Anton�s coworkers. - Yes.

Yes, you are. [chuckles]

- Yes. - Yes, the coworkers. Yes.

We wanted to see Anton again,

but we couldn�t track his little number for some reason.

- For some reason. Yeah, us too. Yeah. - Yeah.

- For a reason we don�t know. - [Issa] Yeah. At all.

We tried texting him, but figured he�s still out there running.

Yes, yes, he is still running,

because it would be way too fast for him to have finished.

- [Issa] Yes, yes. - [Samir] Yes.

Wow, I cannot believe you guys are here.

- [chuckles] We are! - [Issa] Yeah!

You�re Anton�s coworkers and you�re here!

Now! Wow!

- [chuckles] - [chuckles]

[all scream]

[chattering, laughing]

- [coworker 3] Can we use your bathroom? - [Anton] Oh, my God.

- Yes. - Yeah.

What else do they want from me?

[? tense music playing]

- [Billie] So the bathroom is this way... - Shit.

...and, um, Anton should probably be back from the marathon soon.

Yeah.

[coworker] Wow, great kitchen.

- [Billie] Yes! - [Samir] Yes, yes.

- Whose, uh... Whose house is this? - [Billie] Samir�s parents.

They�re actually on an RV trip all over the country

- to the national parks. - [Samir] Yes, yes.

They just got to Yellowstone today,

and it�s, yeah... When a 60-year-old sees Yellowstone,

it just, like... [blows raspberry] . ..changes their life, you know?

We can�t tell how amazing it was to watch Anton today,

and all of it because his housekeeper was sick. I mean...

Y-Yes, you-you should go.

You should go to the bathroom, girl.

[coworker 3] Uh, sure.

Yes, Prosecco. Everyone want a glass of Prosecco?

- No way! No way! - [cheering]

No!

- "No" what? What? - [Billie] Yes!

- [whispering] Ring. Ring camera. - I knew you would.

- I knew you would. - [groans]

[whispering] I have to. Please.

- [whispering] No. No. No. - California pinot grigio.

- [groans] - [Billie] I think it could be good.

- [screaming] - Way. No way.

[? music continues]

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop, man. What are you- Stop, dude. What are you-

- [shushing] - [muffled grunting]

Okay, okay, okay.

[whispering] Who are you?

Who am I? Who are you?

Some girl said I could sleep here, and then she gave me her sweatpants,

and we made out for a little bit.

Ugh. Issa.

- Were you trying to steal my thing? - No. No, I was borrowing it.

Oh.

- Why? - Because my coworkers are downstairs,

and I told them I was running the marathon,

so if I could just borrow this, it would mean a lot to me.

You lied to your coworkers about running the marathon?

Yes, yes, exactly. So...

That�s bad, man.

- Ow! - Don�t do that.

- That�s messed up. [screams] - [shushing]

- Fuck! [groans] - Shut up. What is wrong?

- Cramp, cramp, cramp. - Okay, okay.

- Okay, I�ll- - My hammy, my hammy,

- my hammy, my hammy. - Your hammy.

- Use your thumb. - Use my thumb?

Don�t make it weird.

Okay.

Ow, fuck! Sorry for swearing, sorry for swearing.

Sorry for swearing? Literally who are you?

[groaning, breathing heavily]

Okay, Paul Baker. Well, if you could just please help me out.

A lot of people are invested in this lie. My roommates spent all day on this.

Okay, I�m okay. I�m okay. Thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Yeah.

[panting] So, wait, you made your roommates lie too?

No! They lied for me, okay? Like friends do.

Don�t you have friends who would lie for you?

- No. - Uh, you should probably find some.

It�s like a group project. It�s actually quite creative.

So, what, you guys all just live in this house, pay rent

and just make shit up for each other?

No, we don�t pay rent.

- Huh. Nice. - Oh. Okay.

This is gonna work. Um... So nice to meet you.

Congrats on the marathon, and sorry about your leg.

Thank you.

[dog barking]

Fucking supportive coworkers.

- [screams] - [glass clinking]

So, essentially, Samir and I grew up together.

And I went to college with him, so...

Yes, and that�s where we met Anton. So...

Yes, and that�s where we met Anton. So... - [door opens]

- [door opens] - [Issa] Yeah.

And another interesting thing that actually happened in college

is that we, you know, we went to a dance party-

No way! No way!

- [cheering] - [Anton] Oh, my... Oh, I�m a mess!

- I�m a mess. Or am I glowing? - No.

No, I�m probably a mess. Or am I glowing?

You�re a messy glow. [laughs] I don�t know what that means.

[coworker 3] Anton, you did it!

I did it!

As per my... my foil blanket and my- a lot of sweat and...

- [coworker 2] Oh, yeah. - ...and et cetera and so forth.

- Wait, show us your medal. - Oh, yes.

Hmm?

- [clicks tongue] - [Anton] Medal?

[clears throat] Well, I, um...

[chuckling] I didn�t finish first, guys.

I mean, I was close. I was really close.

I saw the finish line, and then...

and then someone else got there first.

- Wait, doesn�t everyone get a medal? - Yeah, everyone gets one.

- I don�t... - [Billie stammers]

- Oh, uh, you said you lost it. - Oh, he donated it.

[coworker 3] What?

Wait, you-you lost it or you donated it?

Um... [stammers] Well, uh, it�s-it�s such a funny story.

Don�t laugh yet. So, let me start. So-

- So, my Aunt Bonnie is a klepto. - [Anton] Mm-hmm.

Yes, and Issa was actually supposed to look after the medal,

even though they�re having a fight.

- Yes, so... - Yes, and I�m a therapist.

[Issa] So, essentially, um, Bonnie was diagnosed when she was 14.

Okay, okay, okay. You guys, please, it�s fine.

Thanks. Um...

[smacks lips] My friends are trying to protect me, because that�s what they do,

but I�m gonna be honest.

I, uh... I should probably just tell you I didn�t actually-

Yo! [grunts] Dude, hey. Dude, there you are.

Hi. Sorry, I couldn�t find you.

Thanks for letting me borrow that for the picture, man.

My mom�s gonna love it.

My mom, who is the president

of Latvia.

[Anton] Of course.

No problem, Paul Baker.

No problem at all.

- [whispering] Hi. - So, who wants to hold it first?

- [all gasp, cheer] - Who�s the lucky first?

- Hey, no more strays? - [stammers] Mmm?

This is the last one. This is the last one.

- Oh, wow, that was amazing. - You liked that?

- [cheering, laughing] - Oh.

[? suspenseful m -No, no. It�s not... It�s not happening. - Sammy!

Sammy, don�t you want to use the front door?

Won�t the front door feel good?

[Anton] Yeah, Samir, come on.

- Lying is stressful. - Mm-hmm.

Take it from someone who�s now leading an office fun run.

- [Billie] Wait, what? - Type 1 diabetes.

I, uh... I actually can�t get into it.

Wait, what do you mean you don�t like running?

That is boring as hell, man.

I just moved to New York a little bit ago, so I just ran the marathon to meet people.

You ran 26 miles to meet people?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And did you?

Yeah, I did.

- [both chuckle] - [Billie] Come on.

Come on, Samir, it�s now or never, right? Let�s do it now, then.

- [Billie] Come on. - Okay.

- Come on. - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- You ready? - [Samir] Uh, sure.

Okay. [smacks lips] All right.

[? lively music plays]

- [Billie chuckles] - [Samir whimpers, sighs]

[all cheering]

[Billie] Good job!

- Yes. Yes. - [phone buzzing]

[Issa] Yay!

Fuck.

Yes. Yes, Mom, I know. I know.

?? Alabama, Arkansas I do love my Ma and Pa ?

?? Not the way That I do love you ?

? Well, holy moly, me-oh-my You�re the apple of my eye ?

? Girl, I never loved one Like you ?

?? Man, oh, man You�re my best friend ?

? I scream it To the nothingness ?

?? There ain�t nothing That I need ?

? Well, hot And heavy pumpkin pie ?

? Chocolate candy Jesus Christ ?

?? Ain�t nothing pleasing More than you ?

?? Oh, home, let me come home ?

?? Home is Wherever I�m with you ?

[? song ends]

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