Original subtitles

Hey, Will. Nathan's gonna be living here for a while.

How you doing, Will?

You know, we've narrowed down the identity

of Jack's father.

It's either one of the 11 Black brothers

of New Canaan, Connecticut

or Paul Lynde, the center square.

All right, I hope you guys like my phony bologna free-range omelets.

Ah, yes. It's only bean curd, but it's got the look of pig.

I thought you gay guys liked the bologna.

I don't know, I think you're going to be with Nathan forever.

I can feel it in some of my original bones.

Yep, It's just a matter of time

before you're driving a mini-van full of screaming kids

to K-Mart to pick out curtains

for your mud hut in Tarrytown.

Nice to meet you. Where's my papa?

I am so sorry. I really don't quite know how to say this, but...

your father died five years ago.

Oh, my God. I've turned another one.

[theme music playing]

-Incoming! -Ho!

How have I lived without phony bologna omelets?

Wait till you try my southern fried I-can't-believe it's-not-chicken.

-Can we have dinner at 6:00? -How about dinner at 8:00?

I get too hungry for dinner at 8:00.

[both] That's why the lady is tramp!

Oh, my god. You did sleep together.

Grace, if you're gonna think I'm gay

every time I pass out with men, you're in for a lifetime of heartache.

[laughs]

Hey, little Willie, you have any socks I can borrow?

Both mine are in the wash.

Top drawer. Help yourself.

There's a small black leather pouch at the back of the drawer.

Just disregard that.

Morning, sickness.

Okay, I don't know which one of you it was.

But last night, someone's hand repeatedly brushed up

against James and the giant peaches.

That was your hand, Jack.

Ah. I didn't know I was such a tease.

How are you feeling this morning?

Okay. I'm in the third stage of the grieving process.

I'm past anger and denial and into leather.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Larry.

What? Not the scuba trip!

Watch, he's gonna go up an octave.

[whining] Come on!

We have been planning this--

Fine, fine. Thanks a lot. No, I don't want to talk to Hannah.

Don't put the kid on. Don't--

Hi, Hannah. Hi.

Your daddies are losers. Bye.

What?

"I would have sent flowers

but they're not as much fun to jump up and down on.

Love, Nathan."

Awe!

[giggling]

Honey, what's that? What's going on? What's happening?

Are you jumping or am I on under-medicated?

I am jumping on my little gift from my boyfriend.

You know what? If I had your boobs

I'd have two black eyes right now.

Yeah. You'd also have a rich husband.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that it's a dopey gift

because it doesn't have "Tiffany" or "Cartier"

or "may cause drowsiness" on it.

[sighs]

But I will tell you something.

I like Nathan, and I don't care what you think.

So, what do you think?

Oh, honey, where do I begin?

He's crude, he's crass. Last night at the party

he dropped an ice cube down my blouse

just so he could fish it back out again.

Oh, honey, I love him.

-Really? -Yeah, I think you found the one.

Well, the one for now.

Oh, pshaw. Come on.

The only thing to do now is get a blood test

pick out a big, white cake

and get a copy of "Sloppy Bride" magazine.

Ooh, well not so fast.

We've only been going out for two weeks.

It took me longer to pick out my screen name,

and it's "Graceadler."

I don't know. I think you're gonna be with Nathan forever.

I can feel it in some of my original bones.

Yup, it's just a matter of time

before you're driving a mini-van full of screaming kids

to K-Mart to pick out curtains

for your mud hut in Tarrytown.

Ooh, and you know what the best part is?

Now, you can start phasing Nathan in and Will out.

Yeah, you know, it's like it says in the Bible.

"When you've got the beau, who needs the 'mo?"

[Grace] Okay, we have a problem.

I don't see three seats together.

Well, there's two over there, and there's those two there.

All right, I'm gonna ask that couple to move.

Be nice.

What? I'm always nice.

-Excuse me, I hate to bother you-- -We're not moving.

You suck. I hope you're sitting on gum.

I'm sorry. He's just angry because I'm making him see Chocolat again.

And besides, that seat's broken.

Ugh!

Oh, great. We can't sit together.

Let's just go see another movie.

No, I don't want to miss Chocolat. It's magical.

Look, I'll take that one over there, and you guys take these two.

-It's fine. -All right. Well...

We'll see you later, and if you need anything, just, you know-- go get it.

You know, the truth is, I'm glad it's just us

because there's something I've been wanting to say to you.

[clears throat]

Yeah, I've never been the first one to say this in a relationship,

but I'm just gonna do it. Grace, I...

Oh, will you excuse me a minute?

What?

Um, I-I need to be sitting next to Will when the candy band plays.

-The what? -You know, the candy band

the ad for the concession

when the different types of candy play different instruments

and the box of popcorn is out on a date with the sexy soda.

Anyway, Will and I have this little thing that we do when the box of Goobers

gets his nose stuck in the screen. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Oh, gosh! Okay, someone's gonna need a new soda.

[gasps] God!

What are you doing here? You know I don't like to be near you when

the candy band comes on.

I think that Nathan is about to say "I love you".

Yeah?

Isn't that too much? Isn't it too soon?

When he tells you he loves you, that's wonderful.

God, if I could get a guy to say he loved me, I wouldn't be here.

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I would. I love Chocolat.

[Grace] No, no, no. You don't understand.

If he says "I love you", then that--

That just starts a whole chain of events in motion

and before I know it

I'm living in a mud hut in Tarrytown.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Now, just please, get out of here, okay?

I don't want you here when the nose gets stuck.

Go!

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Oh, God. Someone's gonna need popcorn.

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm sorry about that.

Now let's just watch the movie.

Oh, hey there, muffin. How are you doing with this whole dad thing?

Better, I think. I have light days and heavy days.

Today's a light day.

I could even ride a horse.

Well, I give you credit.

Boy, if I'd spent two years of my life

looking for my dad only to find out he's dead

I don't think there'd be a pill big enough to kill that pain.

Oh, who am I kidding? They'd make me one.

Excuse me. Are you Karen Walker?

Why? Did her step-son sit on you?

No.

Did her driver accidentally run you over?

No.

Are you an employee at one of her husband's

-textile factories in Jakarta? -No.

I'm Karen Walker. How can I help you?

Um, well, I went to your house because that's the last address I had.

-I'm looking for Jack McFarland. -Why? does he owe you money?

No.

Did he steal some of your jokes for his cabaret act?

No.

You missing a scooter you probably weren't using anyway?

No.

Hi, I'm Jack McFarland.

You are?

Wow.

I mean, hi. I'm Elliot.

Well, what can we do for you, little man?

Well, 13 years ago, did you donate your, um...

"stuff" to a...

"stuff" bank called the New York Family Clinic?

Let's see.

I think I did have an account at that bank.

Well, my mom was a nurse there, and she wanted a baby real bad

so she took your...

donation. Um...

I'm your son.

I'm gonna talk to him.

I'm gonna talk to him.

Tomorrow, I am gonna talk to him.

Hey, hey, hey.

Great news. Guess where we're going on Friday.

To the drugstore so you can stock up on Campho-Phenique?

I'm just going by what we did last Friday.

Okay, I'll give you a hint.

"We'll always have Paris."

-Paris? -No! Casablanca.

Morocco, you ninny! Look! two tickets!

I wanted to go to Morocco ever since college!

I know! Well, I figured, since your scuba trip was canceled

it's just a perfect opportunity for us to finally go.

Can you really take the time off?

Well, I talked to my boss, which is me.

She's a bit of a bitch, but then I threatened to quit

and she's all, "You can't quit. You're fired."

And I'm all, "You can't fire me. I quit."

-Finish this, babe. -We're going to Morocco!

Three fun-filled weeks! I've already booked the whole thing with Jeanette

the bitter-for-no-reason travel agent.

-Why is she bitter? -No reason.

God! Morocco! This is gonna be great, you know?

We're gonna be rocking the Kasbah,

even if the Sharif don't like it.

-What about Nathan? -What about him?

Well, you guys just started to get serious

Isn't it really kind of a bad time to leave?

Oh, Don't worry about Nathan. He'll be fine.

-Okay. Woo-hoo! -Morocco!

Oh, hey, isn't that your imaginary boyfriend?

Yeah. I'm being coy today, you know? I'm his coy toy.

I'm his koi pond. [chuckles]

No wonder I'm alone.

I came as fast as I could.

Where's my red chinchilla warm-up suit?

Honey, I lied. There is no suit.

And I fell for it! Twice in one day!

Honey, you have a child. You've gotta start dealing with that.

This again?

Since when do you care so much about family?

Hey! I'm the one who cared enough about my dying grandfather

to walk up a mountain every day to tend to him.

Yeah, even after they took me away to be Clara's companion

I never forgot about him, no. No.

In fact, I got Clara out of that wheelchair

just so I could get back to my dear grandpapa.

Karen, that's not you. That's Heidi.

Oh. Then what's my story?

Look, my mind is made up.

I don't want to see that kid, okay?

All right, but I've got a small man in the back

who's ready to give you a red chinchilla warm-up suit.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Come on out, sir!

Hey.

She did it again!

All right, now get in there.

You two are gonna stay in here till you work something out.

Mr. McFarland, I didn't mean to freak you out.

I just wanted to meet you.

Yeah, well, we don't need to meet, okay?

Because I'm not your father.

But you are. My mom still has your file.

It says that you were a ballet dancer and model

who enjoys long walks on the beach.

[dramatic gasp]

That's not me.

And it says that you were part of a performing group called

"Jack and the Beanstalk".

That was a solo act!

Listen, Elliot, I can't do this with you, okay?

A kid just does not fit into my "E! True Hollywood Story."

But I don't want anything from you.

I just thought every once in a while we could,

I don't know, hang out or something

maybe throw a ball, or watch hockey,

or see a Jackie Chan movie?

Dear God! What has not having a father done to you?

So, what do you think?

Yeah, I... Listen, Elliot, I'm sorry, but...

It's okay. It doesn't matter.

I mean, what do you care?

You don't know what it's like not to know your father.

Actually, I do.

I didn't know my father, either.

-Really? -Yeah, my dad was some anonymous stranger

in a Nixon mask who did my mom at a pool party.

-Who's Nixon? -I don't know.

Didn't you ever wonder who your dad was,

and if he was like you?

Yeah, I used to.

For a while, you know, every drop-dead gorgeous guy I'd see

I'd yell "Daddy" and see if they turn around.

I used to pretend my dad was Spider-Man.

My God, you must be psychic, because I have been known

to scale tall buildings to get out of sticky situations.

Well, I've met you.

I guess I should go.

Yeah.

Hey! Um...

You know, if you're not in a hurry,

you maybe wanna go grab a burger or something?

Yeah, I guess. You buying?

Heh, I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

Hey, it gets pretty chilly out there, so...

-So, where are you from? -I'm from Queens.

Yes, you are, but we'll talk about that when you're older.

Okay. Gel, mousse.

Thickener, volumizer.

Wet look, dry look, mega hold...

Must be something in here I don't need. Oh, shampoo.

-Hey. -Hey!

Just came to return your socks.

You don't need to wash them. I only wore them a day or two.

-You just missed your girlfriend. -You mean ex-girlfriend.

What?

She broke up with me.

She what? That's impossible! She didn't say anything to me

and she tells me everything.

Obviously not everything.

Did she say why?

Well, she talked for a long time about her life

and her future and how I'm macaroni salad

and she's kugel with raisins

and by the time she started quoting lyrics to "Desperado," I was lost.

Why would she break up with you?

You're sensitive, you're smart, you're funny

you've got an ass that won't quit.

It's just so, you know...

Just it's perfect and round and you just-- Again, why? Why?

You got me. Maybe it's like she said,

"Been out riding fences for so long now".

I mean, I'm a hard one, but I got my reasons.

I don't know what to tell you. She's crazy.

And just when you think you've reached the bottom level of her craziness

there's a crazy underground garage.

Well, yeah, somebody may have shot out her porch light

but I do love her.

Have a nice trip.

-God, finally, you're here. -Why did you break up with Nathan?

Look, I just wanna get on the plane, go to Morocco

and start having some fun.

Do we have to talk about this right now?

Yes, we do.

I don't see a future with him, okay?

I'm 27 years old. I'm not getting any younger.

Really? Because in that sentence, you got five years younger.

-Can we just go? -No. Talk to me!

-I don't wanna talk-- -Tell me!

-It wasn't working out, okay? -Why?

-He's weird! -He's interesting.

-He's childish. -He's fun.

-He's aimless. -He could change your life.

-That's what I'm afraid of. -Yeah, but why?

I like my life.

I like our thing.

If things start working out with Nathan, then everything's gonna change.

Good!

Grace, so it changes.

I just don't want you using me as an excuse

for not getting on with your life.

That's not what I'm doing. It's just that--

-Do you love him? -Do I what?

Don't do Fiddler with me.

I'm asking you a question. Do you love him?

-It is not that simple. -Do. You. Love. Him?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Well, go find out.

Grace, you got two choices here

You take the easy route.

Fly to a third-world country, ride a camel

and wake up in a tent beside the swarthy prince who bought you.

Or you can take a risk in your life

get in that car, go back to the apartment,

and see what happens with you and Nathan.

I knew you'd choose me.

You know, I just as easily could have gotten on that plane and--

Could be on the way to Morocco right now.

With the camels and the sand.

I love you.

I love you, too.

-Oh, excuse me. -Sorry, its my fault--

Hey, I know you.

I've seen you at the coffee shop on Columbus.

You know, I keep meaning to introduce myself.

I am Chris.

Will. Hi.

Uh, where are you off to?

France. Going on this bike tour through the Loire valley.

How about you?

France. Bike tour.