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1
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,637
How's the letter
to your daddy coming, poodle?
2
00:00:05,679 --> 00:00:08,815
Just got to give
it a little kiss,
3
00:00:08,856 --> 00:00:10,027
a little spritz,
4
00:00:11,114 --> 00:00:12,117
a little kiss,
5
00:00:13,538 --> 00:00:15,546
a little spritz.
6
00:00:15,587 --> 00:00:16,842
You know,
we've narrowed down
7
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,265
the identity
of Jack's father.
8
00:00:19,308 --> 00:00:21,189
It's either one
of the eleven Black brothers
9
00:00:21,231 --> 00:00:22,861
of New Canaan, Connecticut,
10
00:00:24,282 --> 00:00:26,038
or Paul Lynde,
the center square.
11
00:00:29,132 --> 00:00:31,348
So I'm writing
to each one of the brothers
12
00:00:31,389 --> 00:00:33,188
and here's what I have so far.
13
00:00:33,229 --> 00:00:34,441
[clears throat]
14
00:00:34,483 --> 00:00:38,580
"Dear Mr. Black, my name
is Jack McFarland, M.D."
15
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,336
Please hold all comments
till the end!
16
00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,805
"If you were
at a costume party
17
00:00:43,848 --> 00:00:47,735
in 1968 wearing a Nixon mask
and had sexual relations
18
00:00:47,777 --> 00:00:49,951
with a woman who was dressed
as the back part of a horse,
19
00:00:49,993 --> 00:00:51,246
you're my father!
20
00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:55,177
Please understand that
I am not asking for money."
21
00:00:55,219 --> 00:00:56,682
[all] Yeah.
22
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,521
[laughs]
23
00:00:58,563 --> 00:00:59,984
I know, right?
24
00:01:01,823 --> 00:01:03,830
"My phone number
is blah blah.
25
00:01:03,872 --> 00:01:05,545
You can call me between
the hours of blah and blah.
26
00:01:05,586 --> 00:01:07,007
Sincerely blah, blah, blah.
27
00:01:07,049 --> 00:01:08,888
Oh P.S., blah."
28
00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:10,561
So what do you think?
29
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:12,819
I'd replace the first
blah with the second blah,
30
00:01:12,861 --> 00:01:14,366
and I think the letter's
ready to go.
31
00:01:15,870 --> 00:01:17,709
[theme music playing]
32
00:01:28,495 --> 00:01:31,297
I'm rethinking my scuba
outfit for the trip.
33
00:01:31,339 --> 00:01:33,136
'Cause Joe and Larry are
gonna be all in basic black,
34
00:01:33,178 --> 00:01:36,732
and I've got red flippers
and a yellow snorkel.
35
00:01:36,773 --> 00:01:39,741
Even the clownfish are gonna
be like, "Mmm, too busy."
36
00:01:41,205 --> 00:01:42,584
[Will]
Oh, my God, there he is.
37
00:01:42,626 --> 00:01:44,006
Don't look around
like a crazy person.
38
00:01:44,047 --> 00:01:47,141
Who, where, who,
where, there?
39
00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:49,357
Was it the simplicity
of the instructions
40
00:01:49,399 --> 00:01:51,739
that confused you?
41
00:01:51,781 --> 00:01:54,874
Over at the counter.
My, um, what do I call him?
42
00:01:54,917 --> 00:01:57,425
Is he my boyfriend,
my significant other?
43
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,432
How about the man
you're afraid to talk to?
44
00:01:59,474 --> 00:02:00,686
That works, too.
45
00:02:02,275 --> 00:02:05,033
Now, tell me again how you
two didn't end up as a couple?
46
00:02:05,076 --> 00:02:08,002
Well, we never met
at the gym,
47
00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:10,091
and one thing didn't
lead to another.
48
00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:13,604
Classic
boy-doesn't-meet-boy story.
49
00:02:13,646 --> 00:02:16,572
Oh, Lord, what have
I done to deserve this?
50
00:02:19,498 --> 00:02:21,129
Oh, right.
Well, you got me there!
51
00:02:21,170 --> 00:02:22,718
[laughs]
52
00:02:26,061 --> 00:02:26,981
Oh, look, honey.
53
00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:29,281
It's your
non-imaginary boyfriend.
54
00:02:29,322 --> 00:02:32,960
What's his name?
Jethro, Billy Bob?
55
00:02:33,002 --> 00:02:34,800
Nate is not my boyfriend.
I don't have a boyfriend.
56
00:02:34,841 --> 00:02:36,179
-She dumped that loser.
-No, she didn't.
57
00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:37,266
-Yes, I did.
-She did.
58
00:02:37,308 --> 00:02:39,021
-No, she didn't.
-I said I did.
59
00:02:39,063 --> 00:02:40,652
-[thudding]
-Ow!
60
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,910
Sorry, that wasn't
meant for you.
61
00:02:43,745 --> 00:02:45,041
Oh, hey, baby.
62
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,839
I didn't know you were here.
63
00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:53,737
-Hi.
-Oh, hi, Willard.
64
00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:56,915
I like your leotard.
65
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,213
Listen,
I'm gonna grab a juice.
66
00:02:59,256 --> 00:03:01,179
I'll be back to smooch
on you in a second.
67
00:03:06,279 --> 00:03:07,909
So the whole time you've
been dating this guy,
68
00:03:07,950 --> 00:03:09,706
sneaking around
behind my back?
69
00:03:09,749 --> 00:03:12,006
God, I feel like
Captain Von Trapp
70
00:03:12,048 --> 00:03:14,681
and you're Liesl making out
with that Nazi in the gazebo.
71
00:03:15,936 --> 00:03:17,148
We're not dating.
72
00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:18,862
My God, you
overstate everything.
73
00:03:18,904 --> 00:03:20,033
How many times
have you seen him?
74
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,621
I don't know,
a couple of times.
75
00:03:21,663 --> 00:03:23,126
Two, 12.
76
00:03:23,168 --> 00:03:27,140
Ugh, oh, so that's why when
you disappear every night
77
00:03:27,181 --> 00:03:29,397
for five hours, you bring
me back a little present.
78
00:03:29,438 --> 00:03:30,903
You're just trying
to create a diversion
79
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,156
so I wouldn't ask
you any questions.
80
00:03:32,198 --> 00:03:33,536
Hey, what are you
complaining about?
81
00:03:33,577 --> 00:03:35,040
You got some lovely things.
82
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:36,462
How many compliments have
you gotten on that leotard?
83
00:03:36,505 --> 00:03:37,758
It's not a leotard!
84
00:03:38,845 --> 00:03:40,601
It's a fitted-T.
85
00:03:43,653 --> 00:03:45,534
Come on, please,
I'm sorry.
86
00:03:45,576 --> 00:03:46,955
I'm sorry I've
kept this from you.
87
00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:48,251
But what can I say?
88
00:03:48,293 --> 00:03:51,722
I like him, a lot.
89
00:03:51,763 --> 00:03:54,982
You know, do what you want.
Just keep him away from me.
90
00:03:55,024 --> 00:03:59,288
Fine. I just, God,
I just wish that you didn't
have this thing with him.
91
00:03:59,329 --> 00:04:01,880
Can't you at least be my friend
and say you're happy for me?
92
00:04:01,922 --> 00:04:04,556
I'd like to but, you know,
if he's in your life,
93
00:04:04,597 --> 00:04:05,726
he's in my life
and I can't ignore
94
00:04:05,768 --> 00:04:07,357
Not even for some
cashmere toe socks?
95
00:04:07,398 --> 00:04:09,572
I've been dying for these!
96
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,045
[Jack] Karen, guess what?
97
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,718
I found him, I found my daddy!
98
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,222
-He wrote back!
-Oh, peanut,
99
00:04:17,264 --> 00:04:19,397
that's fantastic!
What'd he say?
100
00:04:19,438 --> 00:04:20,943
Well, he says his name is Joe,
101
00:04:20,985 --> 00:04:22,782
and there's way too much
to explain in the letter,
102
00:04:22,824 --> 00:04:24,120
and that he wants
to meet me in person!
103
00:04:24,161 --> 00:04:26,084
Oh, honey,
I am so happy for you.
104
00:04:26,128 --> 00:04:28,635
I am gonna throw you
a fabulous dinner party
105
00:04:28,678 --> 00:04:31,102
so that you can meet
your daddy in style.
106
00:04:31,144 --> 00:04:32,858
You'd do that for me?
107
00:04:32,899 --> 00:04:35,324
You'd open your home
to me and my family?
108
00:04:35,366 --> 00:04:38,584
Yeah, when you
put it that way, no.
109
00:04:42,097 --> 00:04:43,644
We'll do it
at Will and Grace's.
110
00:04:43,685 --> 00:04:45,358
Hey, it'll give 'em a chance
to break out the good plastic.
111
00:04:45,399 --> 00:04:47,155
Yay!
112
00:04:51,837 --> 00:04:54,262
Oh, that was really nice.
113
00:04:55,183 --> 00:04:58,359
I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
114
00:04:58,401 --> 00:04:59,948
You know, I'm gonna
write you a little letter
115
00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:02,372
of recommendation 'cause that
should be on your résumé.
116
00:05:03,627 --> 00:05:04,839
Let me ask you.
117
00:05:04,881 --> 00:05:06,636
How would you rate me?
118
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,520
What do you mean?
119
00:05:09,562 --> 00:05:11,276
On a scale from one to ten.
120
00:05:11,319 --> 00:05:13,075
And remember,
the rule is on the first time
121
00:05:13,116 --> 00:05:14,831
it's polite to round up.
122
00:05:16,419 --> 00:05:18,635
I'm not gonna rate you.
123
00:05:19,973 --> 00:05:22,314
I don't like it, either,
but that's the world we live in.
124
00:05:23,108 --> 00:05:24,697
[laughs]
125
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,205
All right.
126
00:05:29,003 --> 00:05:30,383
Eight.
127
00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:32,597
-Oh, you were a seven.
-What?
128
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,490
That's good. I've never been
with anyone above a four.
129
00:05:38,366 --> 00:05:39,998
You're a pig.
130
00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:42,589
Now, let's see if I can
bring that score up to 7.2.
131
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:45,349
I'm not here,
I'm not here.
132
00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:46,979
I'm just looking
for the phone.
133
00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:50,490
Hi.
134
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,957
Hi, I'm Vicky, the ex.
135
00:05:52,998 --> 00:05:55,006
I'm Grace, the nude.
136
00:05:56,344 --> 00:05:57,723
Vick, can you
give us an hour?
137
00:05:57,765 --> 00:05:58,852
Come back later?
138
00:05:58,894 --> 00:06:00,775
An hour?
Who are you kidding?
139
00:06:00,817 --> 00:06:02,990
I'll be back
in five minutes.
140
00:06:03,031 --> 00:06:05,165
-I'm gonna get you for that!
-[laughs]
141
00:06:07,338 --> 00:06:09,052
Now, where were we?
142
00:06:09,094 --> 00:06:10,432
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
143
00:06:10,473 --> 00:06:12,814
Why is your ex-girlfriend
still in your apartment?
144
00:06:12,857 --> 00:06:14,487
Don't worry, she's cool.
145
00:06:14,529 --> 00:06:16,242
You're secure enough
to handle me livin'
146
00:06:16,284 --> 00:06:17,538
with my ex-girlfriend, right?
147
00:06:19,169 --> 00:06:21,427
Hey, Will. Nathan's gonna be
living here for a while.
148
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,308
How you doin', Will?
149
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:26,108
Careful, that's a nasty
paper cut waitin' to happen.
150
00:06:32,338 --> 00:06:35,055
[Nathan]
♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go
151
00:06:35,096 --> 00:06:36,100
Whoa-Whoa!
152
00:06:36,143 --> 00:06:38,066
Three second rule,
still good.
153
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,792
I'm not happy right now.
154
00:06:43,835 --> 00:06:45,758
See this face?
It's not a happy face.
155
00:06:47,305 --> 00:06:49,604
What was I supposed to do,
let him stay up there with her?
156
00:06:49,645 --> 00:06:51,611
It's creepy having
a third person around.
157
00:06:51,652 --> 00:06:53,282
You don't say.
158
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,380
Oh, he's using my
new Chantal sauté pan
159
00:06:57,421 --> 00:06:59,386
with a metal-edge spatula.
160
00:06:59,428 --> 00:07:02,438
There is no way a crêpe is
ever gonna slide off that now.
161
00:07:04,821 --> 00:07:07,497
Wow, you are more
gay before nine A.M.
162
00:07:07,538 --> 00:07:09,503
than most people are all day.
163
00:07:12,261 --> 00:07:13,474
All right, hope you guys
164
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,192
like my phony bologna
free-range omelets.
165
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:19,578
Ah, yes. It's only bean curd,
but it's got the look of pig.
166
00:07:21,543 --> 00:07:23,967
I thought you gay guys
liked the bologna.
167
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:29,068
I think you're confusing
the bologna with the same rights
168
00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:30,950
and privileges afforded
to married couples.
169
00:07:32,245 --> 00:07:33,582
Will, lighten up.
170
00:07:33,624 --> 00:07:35,841
It's breakfast,
not a pelvic exam.
171
00:07:38,056 --> 00:07:40,062
You know, forgive me if
I don't leap to take advice
172
00:07:40,105 --> 00:07:41,484
from someone whose
family portrait
173
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:43,741
includes two bloodhounds
and a pickup truck.
174
00:07:45,706 --> 00:07:47,797
Is it just me,
175
00:07:47,838 --> 00:07:49,928
or are the squirrels
in the park sneakier?
176
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:53,607
Oh, I get it.
177
00:07:53,650 --> 00:07:55,447
Because I'm from the South,
I must be stupid,
178
00:07:55,489 --> 00:07:57,873
and because you're gay,
you must be clever.
179
00:07:57,914 --> 00:08:00,631
Just goes to show you how
wrong those stereotypes can be.
180
00:08:02,972 --> 00:08:05,104
Boy, if this day
gets any better,
181
00:08:05,145 --> 00:08:07,236
by noon I should be
rolling in glass.
182
00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:11,626
Nathan.
183
00:08:11,668 --> 00:08:13,131
I might have been
a little harsh on him.
184
00:08:13,172 --> 00:08:14,928
He does have
a flair for repartee.
185
00:08:17,604 --> 00:08:18,858
No, no. This has gotta stop.
186
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,990
You've got to get
along with Will.
187
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:22,286
I'm just bein' myself.
188
00:08:22,329 --> 00:08:24,543
I know, baby.
That's what's gotta stop.
189
00:08:29,937 --> 00:08:31,525
Honey,
what is going on here?
190
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,156
There are fingerprints
on the China,
191
00:08:33,197 --> 00:08:35,664
spots on the silver,
the vodka is warm.
192
00:08:35,706 --> 00:08:37,462
What is this, junior high?
193
00:08:40,471 --> 00:08:42,896
Jack is meeting his
actual father tonight.
194
00:08:42,938 --> 00:08:43,983
Get it together!
195
00:08:44,025 --> 00:08:45,279
Hey, back off
or I will force you
196
00:08:45,321 --> 00:08:47,328
into brightly
colored poly blend.
197
00:08:49,627 --> 00:08:52,052
What's with the gratuitous
violence Hannibal Alder?
198
00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:57,486
Hello, will my moped be
safe outside the building?
199
00:08:58,657 --> 00:09:00,162
-Yeah.
-Oh, okay.
200
00:09:00,204 --> 00:09:02,127
Miss Karen,
thank you for inviting me.
201
00:09:02,169 --> 00:09:04,301
I know that Jack and
I aren't married anymore,
202
00:09:04,342 --> 00:09:06,265
but part of me still
thinks of him as family.
203
00:09:06,307 --> 00:09:08,021
Oh, that's sweet, honey,
204
00:09:08,063 --> 00:09:09,527
but you're not here
to attend the party,
205
00:09:09,568 --> 00:09:11,115
you're here to work
the party.
206
00:09:12,704 --> 00:09:15,421
So, uh, strip off that
bug trap you call a jacket,
207
00:09:15,463 --> 00:09:17,386
put on an apron,
and shake hands with Mr. Clean.
208
00:09:18,807 --> 00:09:20,563
Sorry I took so long.
209
00:09:20,605 --> 00:09:22,779
I ran into my imaginary
boyfriend down at the market.
210
00:09:22,821 --> 00:09:23,991
He was standing
in the checkout line,
211
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,290
so I had no choice
but to check him out.
212
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,297
Did you talk to him?
213
00:09:28,339 --> 00:09:30,597
I would've, but I was
too busy choking on my fear.
214
00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:34,944
Oh, hello, Grace-ious.
215
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,169
I'm sorry, I didn't realize
that this dinner was formal.
216
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:41,591
Oh, it's an easy mistake.
217
00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:44,183
I'm sure that's considered
formal wear at Señor Frog's.
218
00:09:47,444 --> 00:09:50,161
Well, I guess it doesn't
work here at Señor Tight-ass.
219
00:09:53,924 --> 00:09:55,345
What is he doing here?
220
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,686
[sighs] I just
figured since Jack
221
00:09:57,728 --> 00:09:59,317
was meeting his father
for the first time tonight,
222
00:09:59,359 --> 00:10:02,034
that the whole evening
could have a theme.
223
00:10:02,076 --> 00:10:03,246
Togetherness, you know?
224
00:10:03,289 --> 00:10:05,420
Jack and his father,
you and Nathan,
225
00:10:06,130 --> 00:10:07,343
Karen and her drink.
226
00:10:08,974 --> 00:10:10,855
Thanks for coming.
227
00:10:14,910 --> 00:10:16,164
Will, this is
a temporary arrangement,
228
00:10:16,206 --> 00:10:17,920
and he's important to me,
so as long as he's here,
229
00:10:17,962 --> 00:10:19,091
will you just make
an effort?
230
00:10:19,132 --> 00:10:21,181
Please, it would mean
so much to me.
231
00:10:21,223 --> 00:10:23,188
Fine, fine, but I'll
tell you right now,
232
00:10:23,230 --> 00:10:25,780
I am not gonna whittle
or tie my pants with a rope.
233
00:10:28,789 --> 00:10:30,797
So, Nathan, tell me,
234
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,305
what kind of work do you do?
235
00:10:33,347 --> 00:10:35,019
Oh, I don't work.
I've got my spleen money.
236
00:10:35,060 --> 00:10:37,025
Right, right.
237
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:39,283
I don't know what
that means.
238
00:10:39,324 --> 00:10:41,958
Well, about a year ago,
I took a spill on my motorbike,
239
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,220
wheel came off,
I went flying, lost a spleen.
240
00:10:45,262 --> 00:10:47,393
The bike company coughed
up a butt load of money,
241
00:10:47,435 --> 00:10:49,483
and I've been livin' off
of that ever since.
242
00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:50,737
Pretty cool, huh?
243
00:10:50,779 --> 00:10:52,995
Yeah, with the market
being down the way it is,
244
00:10:53,037 --> 00:10:54,960
you may want to lacerate
a kidney and reinvest.
245
00:10:56,591 --> 00:10:58,681
Well, I've got my I.R.A.
246
00:11:00,604 --> 00:11:01,775
What do you do?
247
00:11:01,816 --> 00:11:04,324
-I'm a lawyer.
-Oh, wow.
248
00:11:04,366 --> 00:11:06,874
I'm a man without a spleen.
You're a man without a heart.
249
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,589
Maybe we should
take a trip to Oz.
250
00:11:11,682 --> 00:11:13,521
Hello, what's goin' on?
251
00:11:13,564 --> 00:11:14,985
What'd I miss?
252
00:11:15,027 --> 00:11:16,740
We're just saying
what we do for a living.
253
00:11:16,783 --> 00:11:19,624
Oh, bad topic
for both of you.
254
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:22,635
Um, how about things
that you have in common,
255
00:11:22,677 --> 00:11:24,516
likes, dislikes?
256
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,565
Well, I hate making
small talk
257
00:11:26,607 --> 00:11:28,237
with people that I have
nothing in common with.
258
00:11:28,278 --> 00:11:30,118
Me, too.
259
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,000
See, there you go.
260
00:11:33,044 --> 00:11:34,341
But what I really hate
261
00:11:34,383 --> 00:11:36,306
is when someone licks
their finger like this...
262
00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:37,685
and then sticks it
in my ear like that.
263
00:11:37,727 --> 00:11:39,148
Ow!
264
00:11:43,162 --> 00:11:45,044
This has been fun.
Yeah, if you'll excuse me,
265
00:11:45,085 --> 00:11:47,050
I'm gonna go dip
my head in alcohol.
266
00:11:47,091 --> 00:11:49,098
Oh, wait for me.
Wait for...
267
00:11:55,954 --> 00:11:58,253
♪ Papa, can you hear me
268
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,771
♪ Papa, can you see me
269
00:12:03,813 --> 00:12:06,907
♪ Papa, can you
find me in the night ♪
270
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,792
Oh, hey, crunchy.
271
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,129
I don't believe we've met.
272
00:12:11,171 --> 00:12:14,014
Nathan,
I'm Grace's boyfriend.
273
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:16,021
Hmm, that's weird.
274
00:12:16,063 --> 00:12:18,446
I'm not gettin'
a gay vibe from you.
275
00:12:24,674 --> 00:12:27,140
So, how you doin', pal?
You ready?
276
00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:28,604
Yeah, I think so.
277
00:12:28,646 --> 00:12:30,653
I did a papaya salt scrub,
a cucumber mask,
278
00:12:30,694 --> 00:12:33,077
a hot oil scalp treatment,
and two shots of wheatgrass.
279
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,415
Wow, you're more than ready.
280
00:12:34,457 --> 00:12:35,920
You're a gay salad bar.
281
00:12:35,961 --> 00:12:37,884
[laughs]
282
00:12:37,927 --> 00:12:39,934
Oh, everything's
food with you, isn't it?
283
00:12:42,609 --> 00:12:45,034
Oh, what do you think
dad's gonna be like?
284
00:12:45,076 --> 00:12:47,876
Oh, I don't care if he's
rich or poor, fat or thin,
285
00:12:47,918 --> 00:12:49,674
just as long as
he's rich and thin.
286
00:12:51,053 --> 00:12:52,224
Oh, honey, take it from me,
287
00:12:52,266 --> 00:12:54,440
rich and fat works, too.
288
00:12:56,572 --> 00:12:57,659
[knocking]
289
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,958
[gasps] Uma Thurman Hawke,
he's here!
290
00:13:01,798 --> 00:13:04,097
Okay, I'm gonna answer
the door.
291
00:13:04,139 --> 00:13:06,647
No, that'll seem needy,
but I am needy,
292
00:13:06,689 --> 00:13:09,030
but needy's not hot,
but I'm hot,
so it doesn't matter.
293
00:13:09,072 --> 00:13:11,078
♪ Papa, can you hear me
294
00:13:13,922 --> 00:13:15,384
Jack, take it easy.
295
00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:17,516
You're having a Yentl breakdown.
296
00:13:18,603 --> 00:13:21,822
Okay, okay.
297
00:13:21,864 --> 00:13:24,623
I'm gonna play it cool
and let him come to me.
298
00:13:28,345 --> 00:13:30,183
Hi, I'm Jo Black.
299
00:13:30,225 --> 00:13:31,856
I'm looking for Jack McFarland.
300
00:13:31,897 --> 00:13:33,653
Daddy!
301
00:13:35,243 --> 00:13:36,370
No, no.
302
00:13:36,413 --> 00:13:38,377
There's something
I need to explain.
303
00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:41,512
I know, daddy, you're a woman,
but on some level, who isn't?
304
00:13:42,433 --> 00:13:43,853
No, Jack, no, no.
305
00:13:43,896 --> 00:13:47,031
That's why I wanted
to meet you in person.
306
00:13:47,073 --> 00:13:50,836
My name is JoAnne Black,
I'm Joe Black's wife.
307
00:13:50,877 --> 00:13:52,716
Oh, nice to meet you.
308
00:13:52,759 --> 00:13:54,556
Where's my papa?
309
00:13:54,598 --> 00:13:55,810
I am so sorry.
310
00:13:55,852 --> 00:13:58,737
I really don't quite
know how to say this, but...
311
00:13:58,779 --> 00:14:00,910
your father died five years ago.
312
00:14:08,101 --> 00:14:09,941
Oh, okay.
313
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,613
Will you excuse me
for a minute?
314
00:14:15,208 --> 00:14:16,545
Whoo.
315
00:14:18,762 --> 00:14:20,517
Honey, it must be a relief
316
00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:23,193
to finally have someone else
kill your party.
317
00:14:32,014 --> 00:14:33,519
[knocking]
318
00:14:33,561 --> 00:14:35,150
How you doin'?
319
00:14:36,990 --> 00:14:38,954
Come on, Jack.
You've been in here all night.
320
00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,880
Come on, talk to me.
321
00:14:44,221 --> 00:14:46,646
Who's the prettiest lady
in this room?
322
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,115
-Me.
-Yeah.
323
00:14:51,830 --> 00:14:53,711
My dad is gone, Will.
324
00:14:53,753 --> 00:14:55,174
I'm never gonna meet him.
325
00:14:55,216 --> 00:14:57,013
He'll never teach
me to ride a bike
326
00:14:57,055 --> 00:14:58,936
or throw a ball
or kiss a man.
327
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,490
I'm totally alone.
328
00:15:02,531 --> 00:15:04,748
Jack, what have
you really lost here?
329
00:15:04,790 --> 00:15:06,587
I mean, it would have been great
if you'd gotten to know him,
330
00:15:06,629 --> 00:15:08,677
but he was not part
of your life before.
331
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,099
He's not part
of your life now.
332
00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:11,561
What's really changed?
333
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:14,028
But I loved him.
334
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,328
But you didn't know him.
335
00:15:16,997 --> 00:15:18,627
But I loved him.
336
00:15:19,755 --> 00:15:22,222
Maybe you just
loved the idea of him.
337
00:15:22,264 --> 00:15:25,066
He was the source
of all my talent.
338
00:15:25,107 --> 00:15:27,072
But you don't have any talent.
339
00:15:29,915 --> 00:15:31,880
-But I loved him.
-And here we are again.
340
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:35,976
[knocking]
341
00:15:36,017 --> 00:15:37,523
Comin' in, comin' in.
342
00:15:37,566 --> 00:15:40,198
Am I interrupting anything?
Are you fellas havin' sex?
343
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,498
-Oh, stop.
-Oh, God.
344
00:15:42,540 --> 00:15:45,215
Well, you know, I figured
both of you bein' gay and all.
345
00:15:45,257 --> 00:15:47,097
Yeah, that's pretty much
how it works.
346
00:15:47,138 --> 00:15:48,434
Just like if you see any woman.
347
00:15:48,476 --> 00:15:50,566
-Yeah?
-Okay, bad analogy.
348
00:15:51,528 --> 00:15:52,740
What do you want?
349
00:15:52,782 --> 00:15:55,458
Well, uh, I thought after
what happened tonight,
350
00:15:55,499 --> 00:15:57,130
maybe Jack could
use a little Jack.
351
00:15:57,171 --> 00:15:58,384
Hello.
352
00:15:58,426 --> 00:16:00,390
Oh.
353
00:16:03,818 --> 00:16:06,620
Thanks, Nathan,
but when we're in pain,
354
00:16:06,662 --> 00:16:09,547
we usually prefer just
to talk it out rather than, say,
355
00:16:09,588 --> 00:16:10,926
gettin' all liquored
up and goin' down
356
00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:12,264
to the dump and shootin' rats.
357
00:16:13,476 --> 00:16:15,566
I was thinking more
of a memorial of sorts.
358
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:17,697
You know, when someone
close to you dies,
359
00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:19,705
it's important
to remember 'em, you know,
360
00:16:19,747 --> 00:16:21,293
drink a toast, say good-bye?
361
00:16:21,335 --> 00:16:23,467
Like I said, I don't
think that's the way Jack--
362
00:16:23,509 --> 00:16:25,181
-I wanna do it.
-What?
363
00:16:25,222 --> 00:16:27,230
I loved him.
364
00:16:27,272 --> 00:16:28,693
But you didn't know him.
365
00:16:28,735 --> 00:16:30,366
But he loved him, Willard.
366
00:16:34,504 --> 00:16:37,472
Okay, why don't you start, Will?
367
00:16:37,514 --> 00:16:40,733
-Oh, I don't know.
-Come on, Will, for me.
368
00:16:42,322 --> 00:16:44,077
Okay. [sighs]
369
00:16:45,582 --> 00:16:47,589
Um... [clears throat]
370
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:50,683
I never had the opportunity
to meet Joe Black.
371
00:16:50,725 --> 00:16:53,107
Saw the movie, though.
A bit long, didn't care for it.
372
00:16:53,149 --> 00:16:55,323
Even though it had
Brad Pitt in it.
373
00:16:55,365 --> 00:16:56,829
Didn't care
for Snatch, either.
374
00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:57,914
The movie.
375
00:16:57,956 --> 00:16:59,211
Anyway, um,
376
00:17:00,005 --> 00:17:01,260
here's to you, Joe.
377
00:17:01,302 --> 00:17:02,555
We hardly knew ye.
378
00:17:02,598 --> 00:17:04,981
Actually, we didn't
know ye at all.
379
00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:08,408
-To Joe.
-To Joe.
380
00:17:11,502 --> 00:17:13,299
Well, thank you, Will.
381
00:17:13,341 --> 00:17:14,554
Jack, you're up.
382
00:17:14,596 --> 00:17:16,894
Oh, well, okay.
383
00:17:16,937 --> 00:17:21,284
First of all, I'd like
to say thank you to Joe Black.
384
00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:25,841
Thank you for giving me
my piercing blue eyes,
385
00:17:25,883 --> 00:17:29,060
my impossibly high cheek-bones,
386
00:17:29,102 --> 00:17:30,774
my rock-hard ass,
387
00:17:32,279 --> 00:17:34,537
and my feminine side
388
00:17:34,579 --> 00:17:36,878
which I did not get
from my mother.
389
00:17:40,557 --> 00:17:42,145
In conclusion...
390
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,448
♪ Papa, how I love you
391
00:17:45,490 --> 00:17:47,998
♪ Papa, how I need you
392
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,927
♪ Papa, how I miss
you kissing me ♪
393
00:17:51,969 --> 00:17:55,482
♪ Good night...
394
00:18:08,817 --> 00:18:11,493
[continues] ♪ Night...
395
00:18:13,499 --> 00:18:15,255
-♪ Looking in the sky ♪
-[both] To Joe!
396
00:18:19,353 --> 00:18:21,192
Well, terrific.
397
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,905
I'm glad we did this.
Nice idea.
398
00:18:22,947 --> 00:18:24,619
Jack, you want
to do something?
399
00:18:24,661 --> 00:18:26,124
Maybe go down to the park
400
00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,548
and laugh
at the heterosexuals kissing?
401
00:18:29,678 --> 00:18:30,974
Wait a minute.
402
00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:32,311
I'd like to say
something about Joe.
403
00:18:32,353 --> 00:18:34,570
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
404
00:18:34,611 --> 00:18:36,576
After all,
you knew him as well as we did.
405
00:18:39,461 --> 00:18:44,226
We're born, we grow,
we live, we die.
406
00:18:44,268 --> 00:18:45,815
If we're lucky,
we have family
407
00:18:45,856 --> 00:18:48,699
and friends who
know us and love us.
408
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:51,710
I never knew my dad.
409
00:18:51,751 --> 00:18:54,176
But it doesn't matter,
because wherever we go
410
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,852
and whatever we do,
we can know that the spirit
411
00:18:56,893 --> 00:18:58,691
of the mother and
the spirit of the father
412
00:18:58,732 --> 00:19:01,617
are alive in each of us.
413
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:05,297
That everything good already
exists within ourselves.
414
00:19:06,007 --> 00:19:08,306
So, here's to Joe.
415
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,020
The father in all of us.
416
00:19:10,689 --> 00:19:12,278
[all] To Joe.
417
00:19:15,413 --> 00:19:17,629
Thank you, Nathan.
418
00:19:17,671 --> 00:19:19,343
Okay, who wants another round?
419
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,052
Oh, my God.
I've turned another one.
30400
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