Original subtitles

How's the letter to your daddy coming, poodle?

Just got to give it a little kiss,

a little spritz,

a little kiss,

a little spritz.

You know, we've narrowed down

the identity of Jack's father.

It's either one of the eleven Black brothers

of New Canaan, Connecticut,

or Paul Lynde, the center square.

So I'm writing to each one of the brothers

and here's what I have so far.

[clears throat]

"Dear Mr. Black, my name is Jack McFarland, M.D."

Please hold all comments till the end!

"If you were at a costume party

in 1968 wearing a Nixon mask and had sexual relations

with a woman who was dressed as the back part of a horse,

you're my father!

Please understand that I am not asking for money."

[all] Yeah.

[laughs]

I know, right?

"My phone number is blah blah.

You can call me between the hours of blah and blah.

Sincerely blah, blah, blah.

Oh P.S., blah."

So what do you think?

I'd replace the first blah with the second blah,

and I think the letter's ready to go.

[theme music playing]

I'm rethinking my scuba outfit for the trip.

'Cause Joe and Larry are gonna be all in basic black,

and I've got red flippers and a yellow snorkel.

Even the clownfish are gonna be like, "Mmm, too busy."

[Will] Oh, my God, there he is.

Don't look around like a crazy person.

Who, where, who, where, there?

Was it the simplicity of the instructions

that confused you?

Over at the counter. My, um, what do I call him?

Is he my boyfriend, my significant other?

How about the man you're afraid to talk to?

That works, too.

Now, tell me again how you two didn't end up as a couple?

Well, we never met at the gym,

and one thing didn't lead to another.

Classic boy-doesn't-meet-boy story.

Oh, Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

Oh, right. Well, you got me there!

[laughs]

Oh, look, honey.

It's your non-imaginary boyfriend.

What's his name? Jethro, Billy Bob?

Nate is not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend.

-She dumped that loser. -No, she didn't.

-Yes, I did. -She did.

-No, she didn't. -I said I did.

-[thudding] -Ow!

Sorry, that wasn't meant for you.

Oh, hey, baby.

I didn't know you were here.

-Hi. -Oh, hi, Willard.

I like your leotard.

Listen, I'm gonna grab a juice.

I'll be back to smooch on you in a second.

So the whole time you've been dating this guy,

sneaking around behind my back?

God, I feel like Captain Von Trapp

and you're Liesl making out with that Nazi in the gazebo.

We're not dating.

My God, you overstate everything.

How many times have you seen him?

I don't know, a couple of times.

Two, 12.

Ugh, oh, so that's why when you disappear every night

for five hours, you bring me back a little present.

You're just trying to create a diversion

so I wouldn't ask you any questions.

Hey, what are you complaining about?

You got some lovely things.

How many compliments have you gotten on that leotard?

It's not a leotard!

It's a fitted-T.

Come on, please, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I've kept this from you.

But what can I say?

I like him, a lot.

You know, do what you want. Just keep him away from me.

Fine. I just, God, I just wish that you didn't have this thing with him.

Can't you at least be my friend and say you're happy for me?

I'd like to but, you know, if he's in your life,

he's in my life and I can't ignore

Not even for some cashmere toe socks?

I've been dying for these!

[Jack] Karen, guess what?

I found him, I found my daddy!

-He wrote back! -Oh, peanut,

that's fantastic! What'd he say?

Well, he says his name is Joe,

and there's way too much to explain in the letter,

and that he wants to meet me in person!

Oh, honey, I am so happy for you.

I am gonna throw you a fabulous dinner party

so that you can meet your daddy in style.

You'd do that for me?

You'd open your home to me and my family?

Yeah, when you put it that way, no.

We'll do it at Will and Grace's.

Hey, it'll give 'em a chance to break out the good plastic.

Yay!

Oh, that was really nice.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

You know, I'm gonna write you a little letter

of recommendation 'cause that should be on your résumé.

Let me ask you.

How would you rate me?

What do you mean?

On a scale from one to ten.

And remember, the rule is on the first time

it's polite to round up.

I'm not gonna rate you.

I don't like it, either, but that's the world we live in.

[laughs]

All right.

Eight.

-Oh, you were a seven. -What?

That's good. I've never been with anyone above a four.

You're a pig.

Now, let's see if I can bring that score up to 7.2.

I'm not here, I'm not here.

I'm just looking for the phone.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Vicky, the ex.

I'm Grace, the nude.

Vick, can you give us an hour?

Come back later?

An hour? Who are you kidding?

I'll be back in five minutes.

-I'm gonna get you for that! -[laughs]

Now, where were we?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why is your ex-girlfriend still in your apartment?

Don't worry, she's cool.

You're secure enough to handle me livin'

with my ex-girlfriend, right?

Hey, Will. Nathan's gonna be living here for a while.

How you doin', Will?

Careful, that's a nasty paper cut waitin' to happen.

[Nathan] ♪ 20, 20, 24 hours to go

Whoa-Whoa!

Three second rule, still good.

I'm not happy right now.

See this face? It's not a happy face.

What was I supposed to do, let him stay up there with her?

It's creepy having a third person around.

You don't say.

Oh, he's using my new Chantal sauté pan

with a metal-edge spatula.

There is no way a crêpe is ever gonna slide off that now.

Wow, you are more gay before nine A.M.

than most people are all day.

All right, hope you guys

like my phony bologna free-range omelets.

Ah, yes. It's only bean curd, but it's got the look of pig.

I thought you gay guys liked the bologna.

I think you're confusing the bologna with the same rights

and privileges afforded to married couples.

Will, lighten up.

It's breakfast, not a pelvic exam.

You know, forgive me if I don't leap to take advice

from someone whose family portrait

includes two bloodhounds and a pickup truck.

Is it just me,

or are the squirrels in the park sneakier?

Oh, I get it.

Because I'm from the South, I must be stupid,

and because you're gay, you must be clever.

Just goes to show you how wrong those stereotypes can be.

Boy, if this day gets any better,

by noon I should be rolling in glass.

Nathan.

I might have been a little harsh on him.

He does have a flair for repartee.

No, no. This has gotta stop.

You've got to get along with Will.

I'm just bein' myself.

I know, baby. That's what's gotta stop.

Honey, what is going on here?

There are fingerprints on the China,

spots on the silver, the vodka is warm.

What is this, junior high?

Jack is meeting his actual father tonight.

Get it together!

Hey, back off or I will force you

into brightly colored poly blend.

What's with the gratuitous violence Hannibal Alder?

Hello, will my moped be safe outside the building?

-Yeah. -Oh, okay.

Miss Karen, thank you for inviting me.

I know that Jack and I aren't married anymore,

but part of me still thinks of him as family.

Oh, that's sweet, honey,

but you're not here to attend the party,

you're here to work the party.

So, uh, strip off that bug trap you call a jacket,

put on an apron, and shake hands with Mr. Clean.

Sorry I took so long.

I ran into my imaginary boyfriend down at the market.

He was standing in the checkout line,

so I had no choice but to check him out.

Did you talk to him?

I would've, but I was too busy choking on my fear.

Oh, hello, Grace-ious.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that this dinner was formal.

Oh, it's an easy mistake.

I'm sure that's considered formal wear at Señor Frog's.

Well, I guess it doesn't work here at Señor Tight-ass.

What is he doing here?

[sighs] I just figured since Jack

was meeting his father for the first time tonight,

that the whole evening could have a theme.

Togetherness, you know?

Jack and his father, you and Nathan,

Karen and her drink.

Thanks for coming.

Will, this is a temporary arrangement,

and he's important to me, so as long as he's here,

will you just make an effort?

Please, it would mean so much to me.

Fine, fine, but I'll tell you right now,

I am not gonna whittle or tie my pants with a rope.

So, Nathan, tell me,

what kind of work do you do?

Oh, I don't work. I've got my spleen money.

Right, right.

I don't know what that means.

Well, about a year ago, I took a spill on my motorbike,

wheel came off, I went flying, lost a spleen.

The bike company coughed up a butt load of money,

and I've been livin' off of that ever since.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, with the market being down the way it is,

you may want to lacerate a kidney and reinvest.

Well, I've got my I.R.A.

What do you do?

-I'm a lawyer. -Oh, wow.

I'm a man without a spleen. You're a man without a heart.

Maybe we should take a trip to Oz.

Hello, what's goin' on?

What'd I miss?

We're just saying what we do for a living.

Oh, bad topic for both of you.

Um, how about things that you have in common,

likes, dislikes?

Well, I hate making small talk

with people that I have nothing in common with.

Me, too.

See, there you go.

But what I really hate

is when someone licks their finger like this...

and then sticks it in my ear like that.

Ow!

This has been fun. Yeah, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go dip my head in alcohol.

Oh, wait for me. Wait for...

♪ Papa, can you hear me

♪ Papa, can you see me

♪ Papa, can you find me in the night ♪

Oh, hey, crunchy.

I don't believe we've met.

Nathan, I'm Grace's boyfriend.

Hmm, that's weird.

I'm not gettin' a gay vibe from you.

So, how you doin', pal? You ready?

Yeah, I think so.

I did a papaya salt scrub, a cucumber mask,

a hot oil scalp treatment, and two shots of wheatgrass.

Wow, you're more than ready.

You're a gay salad bar.

[laughs]

Oh, everything's food with you, isn't it?

Oh, what do you think dad's gonna be like?

Oh, I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin,

just as long as he's rich and thin.

Oh, honey, take it from me,

rich and fat works, too.

[knocking]

[gasps] Uma Thurman Hawke, he's here!

Okay, I'm gonna answer the door.

No, that'll seem needy, but I am needy,

but needy's not hot, but I'm hot, so it doesn't matter.

♪ Papa, can you hear me

Jack, take it easy.

You're having a Yentl breakdown.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna play it cool and let him come to me.

Hi, I'm Jo Black.

I'm looking for Jack McFarland.

Daddy!

No, no.

There's something I need to explain.

I know, daddy, you're a woman, but on some level, who isn't?

No, Jack, no, no.

That's why I wanted to meet you in person.

My name is JoAnne Black, I'm Joe Black's wife.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Where's my papa?

I am so sorry.

I really don't quite know how to say this, but...

your father died five years ago.

Oh, okay.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

Whoo.

Honey, it must be a relief

to finally have someone else kill your party.

[knocking]

How you doin'?

Come on, Jack. You've been in here all night.

Come on, talk to me.

Who's the prettiest lady in this room?

-Me. -Yeah.

My dad is gone, Will.

I'm never gonna meet him.

He'll never teach me to ride a bike

or throw a ball or kiss a man.

I'm totally alone.

Jack, what have you really lost here?

I mean, it would have been great if you'd gotten to know him,

but he was not part of your life before.

He's not part of your life now.

What's really changed?

But I loved him.

But you didn't know him.

But I loved him.

Maybe you just loved the idea of him.

He was the source of all my talent.

But you don't have any talent.

-But I loved him. -And here we are again.

[knocking]

Comin' in, comin' in.

Am I interrupting anything? Are you fellas havin' sex?

-Oh, stop. -Oh, God.

Well, you know, I figured both of you bein' gay and all.

Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.

Just like if you see any woman.

-Yeah? -Okay, bad analogy.

What do you want?

Well, uh, I thought after what happened tonight,

maybe Jack could use a little Jack.

Hello.

Oh.

Thanks, Nathan, but when we're in pain,

we usually prefer just to talk it out rather than, say,

gettin' all liquored up and goin' down

to the dump and shootin' rats.

I was thinking more of a memorial of sorts.

You know, when someone close to you dies,

it's important to remember 'em, you know,

drink a toast, say good-bye?

Like I said, I don't think that's the way Jack--

-I wanna do it. -What?

I loved him.

But you didn't know him.

But he loved him, Willard.

Okay, why don't you start, Will?

-Oh, I don't know. -Come on, Will, for me.

Okay. [sighs]

Um... [clears throat]

I never had the opportunity to meet Joe Black.

Saw the movie, though. A bit long, didn't care for it.

Even though it had Brad Pitt in it.

Didn't care for Snatch, either.

The movie.

Anyway, um,

here's to you, Joe.

We hardly knew ye.

Actually, we didn't know ye at all.

-To Joe. -To Joe.

Well, thank you, Will.

Jack, you're up.

Oh, well, okay.

First of all, I'd like to say thank you to Joe Black.

Thank you for giving me my piercing blue eyes,

my impossibly high cheek-bones,

my rock-hard ass,

and my feminine side

which I did not get from my mother.

In conclusion...

♪ Papa, how I love you

♪ Papa, how I need you

♪ Papa, how I miss you kissing me ♪

♪ Good night...

[continues] ♪ Night...

-♪ Looking in the sky ♪ -[both] To Joe!

Well, terrific.

I'm glad we did this. Nice idea.

Jack, you want to do something?

Maybe go down to the park

and laugh at the heterosexuals kissing?

Wait a minute.

I'd like to say something about Joe.

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

After all, you knew him as well as we did.

We're born, we grow, we live, we die.

If we're lucky, we have family

and friends who know us and love us.

I never knew my dad.

But it doesn't matter, because wherever we go

and whatever we do, we can know that the spirit

of the mother and the spirit of the father

are alive in each of us.

That everything good already exists within ourselves.

So, here's to Joe.

The father in all of us.

[all] To Joe.

Thank you, Nathan.

Okay, who wants another round?

Oh, my God. I've turned another one.