Original subtitles

Well, this is it. Thanks for walking me home. It was fun.

I especially liked the part where the waiter asked me

how he could get involved with the Big Brothers of America.

He just said that because you’re older than me.

Yeah, I got that part.

[elevator bell dings]

Can I come up?

I don’t know, Scott. My roommate might be home.

She’s not good with new people.

You know, she grew up without... people.

Did you ever see Nell? There is...

- Are you embarrassed of me? - Heh. No.

Yes.

Look, I have a really good time with you,

but you are 23.

And three-quarters.

See. Just the fact that your age has fractions in it.

Look, just... give me a little time to adjust, OK?

OK. Oh, I brought you some movies from work.

They’re due back on Thursday.

Although, if you brought them in on Friday,

I’d waive that late fee.

Yeah, it helps to know people in high places.

Dinner tomorrow.

Dinner tomorrow. And just think,

I’ll be one day older.

I want to thank you for a very nice evening.

Yeah. So, listen...

I’m not really sure how to say what I wanna say here,

but I wanna be a gentleman about it

so since I paid for dinner, I think it’d be great

if we went to your place and you took off your shirt

and we got to at least, like, second.

First of all, you’re a pig...

- And second, you’re a child. - Who...

You’re a child. You are totally inappropriate.

You have no self-control.

What are you talking about?

At dinner, you went "ptttb", and turned to the table next to us

and said, "Can you believe that came out of her?"

Hey, so, do you have those Breathe-Right strips?

’Cause you look like a snorer to me.

Look, you don’t have to worry about that,

because you’re not coming in, ever.

Besides, my roommate might be home.

So, are you embarrassed of me?

Of course I am.

So, good-bye. Don’t call me. Have a nice life.

- So, tomorrow night? - I’ll be ready at 7:00.

- I’ll be here at 8:00. - [scoffs]

Oh, damn you.

- Hey. - Hey. Hi.

- What have you been up to? - Where you been?

- Me? - Me?

- Had the craziest night... - I was gonna go to a movie...

- I was on my way home from work... - We talked...

and then this cab came out of nowhere and...

- just crashed into this woman - talked about yoga...

She was fine. And so I decided, I was so hungry, I went

- to the Museum of Modern Art... - I talked so much, I didn’t...

- so I went to a long movie. - get a chance to see my movie.

[both] Good night.

[theme music playing]

- Hi, Jack. - Hi, Val.

You look pretty today, Jack.

Thank you. I was thinking the same thing myself.

What’s up?

Well, I’m soliciting donations for a food drive

so if you have any spare canned goods, that would be great.

Sure, come on in. I think I have some soup and tuna.

Oh, fantastic!

- Here. - Just put it in here.

Hey, would you like to come over for dinner later?

Oh. What you making?

Soup and tuna.

Ooh. Yeah, rain check.

I’m on my way to the theater.

Oh, yeah? What are you seeing?

No. I don’t see. I am seen.

Perhaps you’ve heard of my one-man show, Jack 2001.

- No. - Formerly Jack 2000.

- No. - Soon to be Jack 2002.

- No. - A variation on the acclaimed Just Jack.

Oh, Just Jack. Yeah. You know what? I meant to see that one

but I was living in my storage space

because of the whole Y2K thing, so...

But I’d love to see the new one. Are there any tickets available?

[Jack cackles]

Yes.

Lobby level... Handbags, cosmetics, women’s naughties.

Second floor... Men’s naughties, things that begin with "K"...

Teeth.

- Third floor... - Are you gonna keep doing that?

- No. - Good. Thanks.

We could wrassle?

I got a better game.

Let’s see who could be quiet the longest.

The one who wins gets a cookie.

OK. Ready? Go.

Wait. No, ready? Go.

Wait. OK. Seriously, ready? Go.

[sneezes]

- Oh, God! - Ha ha ha, you talked. I win.

Hey, Leather Tuscadero.

You look nice. Hot date?

Hot? Uh... Listen...

I’ve been meaning to tell you about something,

and I don’t know why I’ve waited so long, but...

Oh, God, my collar is wet! That jerk sneezed on me!

Which jerk?

That loser you got into it with last week, from the laundry room.

The one that wears the t-shirt that says, "Your mom’s hot."

Oh, yeah. That guy. Heh.

He’s not so bad. You don't think he’s kind of charming?

Yeah, he’s real charming, you know, like finding a Band-Aid

in your burrito is charming.

I’m sorry. You were saying something?

Oh. lost it. So, you going out?

Yeah, later...

In fact, I wanted to tell you some...

Did you return the videos?

- Yeah, this morning. - You know the guy...

Of course, I had to deal with that little snot behind the counter.

Assistant manager Scotty Sender.

That little twerp charges me

that bogus rewind fee every time I go in there.

God, I hate 12-year-olds with power.

I’m sure he's not 12, Grace.

He’s gotta be at least... 23 and 3/4.

Well, he’s a punk. He should respect his elders.

- So, who you going out with? - Nobody. You?

Nobody.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Well, have fun. - Well, have fun.

When you caught between the moon and New York City...

I’m stuck. I can't get out!

The best that you can do...

The best that you can do

Is fall in love!

Two, three, four, off.

[Jack] Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Karen, I just totally killed. - Well, something died tonight.

I’m glad you liked it. You know, I think the difference was...

adding a dramatic reading.

Did you enjoy the penis monologues?

I don’t know, honey, I'm...

I’m not a big fan of ventriloquism.

Constructive criticism. OK, it’s in.

I’m assessing it. I’m not hearing it. It's gone.

So, you sticking around for the next show?

Oh, honey, I would, but I don’t want to.

Oh, you’re gonna love this. I’ve seen every show tonight:

the 7:00, the 7:15, and the 7:30.

Look. Jack even signed my chest.

- Can I see it again? - Sure.

- Can I see it again? - OK.

Can I see it again?

Can I see it again?

Shh. The show’s starting. The show’s starting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Jack 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Reaching to Uranus and beyond.

The best that you can do, cha cha cha

The best that you can do, Chaka Khan

Is fall in love.

Two, three, four, off.

Thank you. Thanks for sticking round.

Whoo! Yay!

Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever.

It felt like you were singing only to me.

Well, for the last seven shows, I was.

Look, I don’t know what to say.

I just... I really just wanna... officially thank you

for coming into my life.

It’s just that, well, you’re my world now.

Yeah, about that. Um, see...

the problem is, I live here...

and I’m thinking you live way up here.

Are you sure, honey? ’Cause I thought I had a stalker once.

It turns out it was just Rosario running alongside of the limo,

banging on it because she got her coat caught in the door.

Yes, Val is totally stalking me.

She followed me to the Banana, she followed me to the gym,

and last night, I am sitting in the bushes

outside Kevin Bacon’s apartment and I see Val watching me

through the other bushes across the street!

- [elevator bell dings] - Fun date, huh?

Yeah, nothing spells romance

like free soft-drink night at the Pig and Whistle.

Did you have onions in your veggie weggie sub?

Uh, no.

Good. ’cause I'm going to kiss you

like you’ve never been kissed before.

Oh! Ha ha ha.

Uh, first of all, I have been kissed like that...

by my Aunt Honey...

And, second of all, you don’t tell someone

that you’re about to kiss them.

You sneak up on them when they...

Yeah, like that.

OK. You’re going to go now,

and that was absolutely our last date.

I hear you, and I respect your wishes.

I think it’d be great if I came in and took a bath.

What? No! No.

Go home. My roommate...

I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want me to meet your friends.

It’s not just that.

It’s, you know, I...

I’m feeling like...

And you’re like... And I’m like...

And, you know, it’s just... You know what I’m saying?

Oh, yeah, I know what you’re saying. You want my sex.

[elevator bell dings]

OK. Good night.

- Oh, hold the door. - No, no, no, no! Oh, no!

Going down?

Wow, you cut right to the chase, don’t you?

I like you.

I like you.

But I’m off the market.

I got this redhead on the ninth floor, who’s crazy about me.

Redhead? Crazy?

Surprise!

[Jack screams]

What the hell are you doing here?

- I live here. - No, you don’t!

- I’m carrying your baby. - No, you’re not!

- You’re a musical genius. - Ok, I’ll give you that one.

- But, Val, you don’t... - Jack, don’t you understand?

When you sing to me, you make me feel special.

It’s like I'm no longer that sad, angry little girl

running around the schoolyard

stabbing kids with pencils.

Okay, someone put a little extra crazy powder

in the protein shake.

OK, come on. We’re going to sit down and have a little talk, all right?

Man to whack-job.

Now, I thought that it was very flattering

when you first started coming to the show...

I’m wearing your dirty bath water in a vial around my neck.

Ew, that’s enough!

Okay, I’ve had it! All right?

So I’m going to tell you what Justin Timberlake

Matt Lauer and Moesha said to me.

"Stay away, or I’ll call the police!"

I pretended that your jockstrap

was an oxygen mask all day today.

And time to go, psycho!

- But, Jack, I love you! - No, I need you to go, Val.

- No! I love you! - Get out!

Crazy lady!

- No! I love you! - Get out!

No, I love you!

Jack...

- I love you. - Get out! You’re crazy!

[modem connection noises]

Forget it. I might as well just buy a dirty magazine.

Hey.

Don’t you find it unbelievably frustrating

when it takes forever to get online?

Will, just buy a dirty magazine.

You don’t know me.

Oh, Karen called.

What? Karen called?

Did she say anything? What’d she say?

Did she say anything? What’d she say?

She said she’s on her way over.

She apparently has some great big surprise she wants to share.

Maybe she’s found a way to freeze-dry evil

so that we can drink it when she’s not here.

So, Karen’s coming over now, huh?

Shouldn’t you leave? Don’t you have something to do?

- Like what? - Gym?

- Went. - Eat?

Am.

- Poop? - Twice.

Lucky.

Grace...

What’s the matter?

[groans, laughs]

OK. All right. Listen.

You’re going to find out anyway as soon as Karen gets here, so...

[laughing]

You know the guy from the laundry room

that you were talking about-- Nathan?

Oh, what the jerk that sneezed on my neck?

Yeah, what’s the latest? Is he still throwing lizards...

down the mail chute, then racing them to the lobby?

He is.

- And I’m dating him. - [coughs] What?

All right. Look, before you say anything,

I know that there are parts of him that are disgusting and childish

and weird, but he can also be really sweet and charming and romantic.

And I know this makes absolutely no sense,

and it’s probably going nowhere,

but there it is. I’m dating sneezy.

Well, since we’re sharing,

I guess there’s something I should tell you.

What?

I’m...

I’m hurt you would lie to me.

I’m sorry. I guess... I don’t know.

I guess I just felt little embarrassed.

Well, excuses. It’s just that it hurts, that’s all.

Will, come on. What could I do to make it up to you?

Oh, it’s not a big deal. You know, what am I supposed to say,

"Take out the garbage, do the dishes,

and pick up the dry cleaning for a month"?

Would it make you feel better if I did all that?

[scoffs] It’s a place to start.

Hello, kiddies.

Are you ready for your big surprise?

It’s too late. Will already knows.

- About the ring? - What ring?

Honey, do you remember that afternoon

that you and I were walking down Fifth Avenue

and we saw that beautiful ring in the window of Tiffany’s

and you said to me,

"If only, one day, I could own a ring like that"?

Yeah...

I bought it for myself!

[Karen] Isn’t that great?

Whoo!

That’s your surprise?

Yeah. What the hell’d you think it was?

I thought you were going to tell Will that I was dating Nathan.

The hottie who smells like rope?

You know what? Shame on you, Grace.

I would think that by now you would know me well enough to know

that I am not the kind of person who trades in gossip

and I’m hurt that you think I do.

- I’m sorry. - Your business is your business,

just the same way it’s Will's business that he’s dating

that mouseketeer from the video store.

Whoa.

That what?

You know, I can pick up the dry cleaning.

And I can take out the garbage. The dishes are mine...

and you know what? Starting next month...

I’m going to pay you to live here.

Something’s very wrong if...

if we’re this embarrassed about our boyfriends, don’t you think?

I do.

We shouldn’t be seeing these guys, should we?

- Probably not. - [Will sighs]

I guess I’ll go down to the video store

and see if can catch Scott at recess.

- Lucky you. Yours has a job. - Mm-hmm.

I think it’s better if we don't see each other anymore.

If that’s what you think.

If that’s what you think.

I’m sure I'll see you around.

Damn you.

[knocking on door]

This has gotta stop, OK? I mean, for the love of pizza,

you left me 15 messages already.

Please, please, come in.

Hey, I really missed you at the show tonight, Val.

- It just felt empty. - Oh, really? Well, too bad,

because you made your bed, and now I’m not going to lie in it.

OK, all right. Well, I’m not going to beg.

- OK. Bye. - Please, come back. Please, Val!

Oh, Jack, forget it! You’re insane!

Please. I need you to come back!

- Oh, Jack. - Please, stalk me! Stalk me, Val.

- You’re embarrassing yourself. - Jack 2001. Jack 2001. Please, come on.

Jack, you’re embarrassing yourself! Jack!

[knocking]

Oh, sorry.