Original subtitles

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Remember that ultra-hip club, the Atom Bar?

I'm not revealing my sources,

but apparently it is re-opening this Friday.

Hello, "Day-Old News"?

Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription.

Yeah. He's going to be giving his business to "Behind the Times."

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. I love you, too. Bye bye.

You knew-- Why wouldn't you tell me?

Because you know how you are at these things.

You stand in a corner,

pretending to be waiting for somebody.

"Where is my fake person?

I told my fake person to be here at 9:00 sharp."

You never have any fun.

Come on, you're just like a little Will-flower.

You're right. But that was the me of the past.

The me of the future is totally different.

Yeah? How?

I'm gonna make my fake person Italian.

Will, I need quarters.

Well, I'm plumb out. But I imagine Boss Hog

and the Hazard boys might have two bits.

It's laundry day, okay? It was either this

or a peach bridesmaids dress,

and I've been wearing that all day.

Oh, um, there's a roll of quarters in my top drawer

right beside my eye cream

and my pedicure kit.

Wow. My dad would be so proud right now.

Help me. Hide me. She's after me.

What's the matter, does your stepdaughter want a hug?

No, fruit loop. Stanley's mother's in town.

You gotta let me hide out here.

She'll never think to look for me in government-assisted housing.

She just makes you want to give, doesn't she?

I mean, look at me. I got the shakes and for all the wrong reasons.

Karen, I haven't seen you this freaked out

since you turned 42. 1!

34-2-1! Pretty girl! Pretty girl!

Karen, wouldn't it be better to just to learn to deal with her?

I mean, think about it. She's the mother of the man

whose bank account you love.

That relationship's not gonna go away.

I see where you're going with this, Wilma, but...

I can't have her whacked.

Oh, God. Just knowing she's in town,

it just consumes me completely.

I mean, I just-- I feel like I can't think about anything else.

- Hey, Kar. - Yee-haw!

Look who put the ho in hoedown!

[laughs]

Oh, thank you, honey. Your little costume sure brightened my day.

[theme music playing]

What is this? Oh, my God!

I cannot believe it.

Someone took my wet laundry out of the dryer

and put theirs in. That is like the rudest thing--

Did you do this?

- No. - Well, then who did?

I was thrown out of my country for informing on my neighbor.

So you're not gonna tell me?

Yes, I am. The guy in 12C. God bless America!

Excuse me. Did you take someone's clothes out of the dryer and put yours in?

Yes, I did.

Those clothes were mine.

Listen, I can't get into this right now. I'm in the middle of a project.

Hey, buster, I'm in the middle

of a project, too. It's called my life.

You know what, I'm making a mix tape.

And if this Alice Cooper song runs out,

the whole tape is ruined.

Wait, that's your project?

- A mix tape? - [rock playing over headphones]

No, a mix tape is not a project.

It's something you do between bong hits, and--

- Excuse me, I'm talking to you. - [music stops]

Hey, hey! Never do that! Never do that! This is my work!

I wouldn't come into your dairy

and unplug the milking machine.

Okay, all right. You know what?

What you did down in the laundry room is unacceptable.

- Taking my clothes out-- - Hey, you're a girl.

What is the most romantic Megadeath song?

- What? - Well, I had a big fight with my girlfriend.

She says I'm aimless and don't have any ambition,

so I decided to make her this tape:

"Heavy Metal Songs of Love and Devotion."

Hey, good plan.

Yeah, you know, I always thought that if Humphrey Bogart

had just made Ingrid Bergman a mix tape,

she never would've gotten on that plane.

[scoffs]

What, you're gonna give me relationship advice?

Yeah, that's what I need.

Then maybe I could find some nice gay guy

to live with for the rest of my adult life.

You know what?

I'm going to accept that as an apology for my laundry.

I got your message. What do you need?

Two tickets to the opening of the Atom Bar tonight.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I love you! I love you! I always loved you!

- We're going! - We're going!

Mr. D.J., put a record on--

I wanna dance with my baby.

[vocalizing]

Music makes the people come together!

Jack, Jack. No, no, Jack, Jack. Jack. Jack.

Don't do that part.

[knocking on door]

Hello, boys.

Got a little surprise for ya.

Hide the crucifixes. Beelzebooze is here.

[laughs] Oh, honey.

I got a fake laugh with your name all over it.

Now I want you to meet my mother-in-law, Sylvia Walker.

Haul it in here, Syl.

Nice to meet you.

May I sit down?

Uh, be my guest.

- Hey. That's the dragon lady? - Oh.

That little pocket person is...

is the one who strikes fear in your in your heart facsimile?

Well, I might have been exaggerating a little bit,

but, you know, I thought about it, and you're right.

Getting along with people, like Madison Avenue

is a two-way street.

Madison Avenue is a one-way street.

Oh! Well, that explains why those two cops had Driver in a choke hold last night.

But you know what, the Goiter and I had a long talk, and uh...

She's not such a bad old bird after all.

Right, Syl?

What's that, dear?

Oh, she's thinkin' about her friends in the Lollipop Guild.

You know, she was a U.S.O. girl in the war between the states.

Oh, Wilma, be a love and get a little snicky snack for Syl, okay?

Just a little birdseed and some sugar water.

You can put it anywhere. She'll find it.

I just don't get it. I can't believe someone

as big as Stan came out of that tiny little woman.

Well, I'm no expert,

but I read an article once in Skymiles magazine.

Apparently, when they come out, they're much smaller.

Ugh! The whole thing's a horror.

It's nice to see Karen, you know, putting a little effort.

You know, I knew if she just reached out to her--

Karen?

She took off.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We have to be at the club in less than an hour.

And I still need time to soak and spritz before I can sizzle.

Jack, relax. She's coming back.

I mean, Karen might be evil, but she's not gonna stick us with her mother-in-law

for the rest of the night.

- [dance music playing] - Could I get a Kamikaze?

Rum and Coke, please?

Hot tea, please.

[dance music playing within]

So, Syl, um, let me ask ya.

Do you ever regret throwin' that big blue diamond

in the bottom of the water where the Titanic went down?

Karen's not answering.

Did you try her garter phone?

She has a garter ph-- What is she, one of the X-men?

Hey, when clubbing, I put my phone in my underwear.

Yeah, that's just so when it rings, you can say, "Wanna grab that?"

It's true.

[clears throat] Okay, here's the number,

but you should know, it's only for real emergencies,

like if Sunny Von Bulow comes to and starts pointing fingers.

I can see you.

[phone ringing]

Karen Walker's panties.

Karen, we're down at the Atom Bar.

Get over here and pick up your mother-in-law.

I will when you get over here and pick up your mother-in-law!

- I don't have a mother-in-law. - Then the deal's off!

You try.

Hey, Kar. Yeah, listen.

You got to come pick up the Goiter, okay?

Yeah well, see, we're at this huge party,

and it's especially important to Will

because he has the opportunity

to have his very first gay experience.

I know!

I know. I know.

Karen, I am not kidding around. Get your gin-soaked ass

in your vodka-soaked limo

and pick up your tea-soaked mother-in-law.

[Karen on phone] All right, all right.

Don't get your training bra in a twist.

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Thank you.

Sometimes you just have to be a little tough with her.

- She's not coming, is she? - No.

You know, something you said yesterday really stuck in my craw.

What's a craw?

I don't know. I think it's something like a claw.

- Why didn't you just saw claw? - Can we move past this?

Sure. "Crum" right in. We'll "crawk" about it.

Okay, look. What you said about me and my roommate was totally off-base.

I'll have you know that my relationship

with Will is very healthy.

We talk about everything.

We spend every spare minute together.

We don't date anyone that the other one doesn't approve of.

Okay, that doesn't sound very healthy,

but it's really more of a checkoff system.

- Boy, I really got to you, didn't I? - [scoffs] No!

I don't give a crap what you think.

Then why are you up here?

[incredulous laugh]

I could ask you the same question.

Not really. I live here.

You know what?

I'm going to accept that as an apology

for what you said about me and my roommate.

Would you mind, uh, "crowsing" the door?

So, Sylvia, you having a good time?

Oh, lean in, dear. There's a little something...

And the night's complete.

It's official. We're dating.

Which one? The one on the right or the one on the left?

Yes.

Amazing.

I'm a lawyer, I'm a nice guy, I get no one.

Jack eats Ho-Hos with chopsticks

keeps a phone in his pants, he gets everyone.

Why do I keep putting myself through this?

It's the same old letdown every time.

Well, of course it is, dear.

How do you expect anything in your life to change

if you don't change?

Well, because... You don't...

Huh.

The gullet of a bird or insect.

- What? - Craw. That's what a craw is.

Well, now I can finish my Cheerios

without wondering "Why are we here?"

- Look, I gotta go. - What, you got another project?

As a matter of fact, I do.

You know, I'm still trying to get Vicki back,

so I'm making her name out of

[French accent] pap-i-er-mâché.

Out of what?

You know, pap-i-er-mâché,

the French art of paper sculpture.

It's "paper mâché," you pretentious boob.

And do you really think that is going to win her back?

Yep.

[laughs, snorts]

Oh, God. Boy, do you have a lot to learn about women.

I mean, tons.

A lot. Much.

Plenty to learn.

Well, I know this much about women.

When they hover in your doorway muttering tiny words,

they're waiting for you to ask for their advice.

Wrong.

- What's your advice? - Romance her.

That's what women want.

Do something that'll take her breath away,

and I'm not talking about shoving her face in your hamper.

- Another round. - Hey.

Will Truman, right?

Riverside Drive, MasterCard expires March 2003?

Wow, I knew these pants were tight.

I didn't think you could read the contents of my wallet through 'em.

Scott. I'm the assistant manager

at Gayle and Patty's Video.

Hey.

Hey, listen, so if you remind me,

the next time you come in, I'll give you a free microwave popcorn.

I appreciate that. I really don't think I'm gonna come in

and say, "Hey, remember me? You promised me a free package of Pop Secret."

Hey, Will...

There's a Cassavetes double feature at the Film Forum,

one where Gena Rowlands is drunk and crazy,

the other where she's crazy and drunk.

Do you want to go?

Maybe get some dinner afterwards?

- I don't know. - Why not?

Well, for one thing, in the Eighties, when I was wearing safety pins

to look cool, you were wearing them to stay dry.

Give me a break. I'm 24 years old. What are you, 27?

27?

Yes, I am.

Look, you're...

You're totally cute, but I just don't really see this...

You know, I usually go out with...

You know what? Yes. Let's go out tomorrow night.

Cool, so around 10:00?

10:00? I will have been in bed for four hours.

Okay, 9:00, we'll go out.

You have your own Razor scooter, right?

- I'm kidding. - That was a good one.

Sylvia? That's on me.

I took your advice, and I have got a date tomorrow night.

- Ooh! Good for you, dear. - Yeah.

I gotta be honest. You know, at first, I was furious with Karen

that she stuck us with you, but...

The truth is, if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have met that guy.

- Guy? - Yeah.

- Scott. - You're a fag?

- What? - I helped a fairy get a date?

Oh, I'm going to hell!

Okay, it's over with those two,

but I met my rebound couple, Bob and Chuck.

You're queer, too?

As Christmas in Bloomingdale's, girlfriend.

Oh! Oh, help, police! Oh, I'm surrounded by homos!

Oh, homos! Homos!

- Homos, homos! - Just quiet down, Sylvia.

Get away from me, you fruit! Oh, I'm a fag hag!

- Oh! - [blows whistle]

[all cheering in response]

Excuse me? Did you put your underwear in with my laundry?

[Nathan] I needed to get you up here.

Ever hear of a Post-It?

Yeah, but then my underwear would still be dirty.

Hi.

Wow. Look at you.

You've gone from pig to Pygmalion.

- What do you want with me? - I just wanted to get your opinion.

Wow.

Yeah, Vicki always wanted to go to Venice, so I thought...

I can't believe it. It's amazing.

- Yeah. - You can practically smell the canals.

Well, that's probably just the sheets. Come, sit down.

I want you to get the total experience.

Psych! Just kidding. Here ya go.

[British accent] Would you care for some wine?

Uh, okay.

So... do you like this?

Yeah. What are we doing?

Well, I just thought we'd have a nice little evening.

But I thought that all of this was for Vicki.

Well, she saw all this, it didn't work for her,

she blew me off, I kicked her out.

Anyway, here's to us.

What? Are you out of your mind?

Are you actually offering me a used night in Venice?

Look, I'm sorry--

[laughs]

No, no, no, hey. Look, ever since...

You know, ever since you started yelling at me,

I can't stop thinking about you,

and besides, Vicki and I were never really right for each other.

She doesn't get me. I need to be with someone who gets me.

I don't get you.

Yeah, but in a totally different way.

I don't-- You are-- I...

[stuttering] I am horrified!

I mean, I mean, how could you think that this would work?

I mean, do you see what you're offering me?

A sloppy second gondola,

a half-empty bottle of wine,

a calzone with the sauce licked off the top.

I mean, is this your idea of romance?

You know nothing about women.

I am so offended, I don't even know what to say.

One date.

[knocking on door]

- Who is it? - [man] Tanqueray delivery.

Oh, thank God.