All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S03E21 - The Young and the Tactless 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Remember that ultra-hip club,
the Atom Bar?

I'm not revealing my sources,

but apparently it is
re-opening this Friday.

Hello, "Day-Old News"?

Yeah, I'd like to cancel
Will Truman's subscription.

Yeah. He's going to be
giving his business
to "Behind the Times."

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.
I love you, too. Bye bye.

You knew--
Why wouldn't you tell me?

Because you know how you are
at these things.

You stand in a corner,

pretending to be
waiting for somebody.

"Where is my fake person?

I told my fake person
to be here at 9:00 sharp."

You never have any fun.

Come on, you're just
like a little Will-flower.

You're right. But that was
the me of the past.

The me of the future
is totally different.

Yeah? How?

I'm gonna make
my fake person Italian.

Will, I need quarters.

Well, I'm plumb out.
But I imagine Boss Hog

and the Hazard boys
might have two bits.

It's laundry day, okay?
It was either this

or a peach bridesmaids dress,

and I've been wearing
that all day.

Oh, um, there's a roll
of quarters in my top drawer

right beside my eye cream

and my pedicure kit.

Wow. My dad would be
so proud right now.

Help me. Hide me.
She's after me.

What's the matter, does
your stepdaughter want a hug?

No, fruit loop.
Stanley's mother's in town.

You gotta let me
hide out here.

She'll never think
to look for me in
government-assisted housing.

She just makes you want
to give, doesn't she?

I mean, look at me.
I got the shakes
and for all the wrong reasons.

Karen, I haven't seen you
this freaked out

since you turned 42. 1!

34-2-1!
Pretty girl! Pretty girl!

Karen, wouldn't it be
better to just to learn
to deal with her?

I mean, think about it.
She's the mother of the man

whose bank account you love.

That relationship's
not gonna go away.

I see where you're going
with this, Wilma, but...

I can't have her whacked.

Oh, God. Just knowing
she's in town,

it just consumes me
completely.

I mean, I just--
I feel like I can't
think about anything else.

- Hey, Kar.
- Yee-haw!

Look who put
the ho in hoedown!

[laughs]

Oh, thank you, honey.
Your little costume sure
brightened my day.

[theme music playing]

What is this? Oh, my God!

I cannot believe it.

Someone took my wet laundry
out of the dryer

and put theirs in.
That is like the rudest thing--

Did you do this?

- No.
- Well, then who did?

I was thrown out of my country
for informing on my neighbor.

So you're not gonna tell me?

Yes, I am. The guy in 12C.
God bless America!

Excuse me. Did you take
someone's clothes out
of the dryer and put yours in?

Yes, I did.

Those clothes were mine.

Listen, I can't get into
this right now. I'm in
the middle of a project.

Hey, buster, I'm in the middle

of a project, too.
It's called my life.

You know what,
I'm making a mix tape.

And if this Alice Cooper
song runs out,

the whole tape is ruined.

Wait, that's your project?

- A mix tape?
- [rock playing over headphones]

No, a mix tape
is not a project.

It's something you do
between bong hits, and--

- Excuse me, I'm talking to you.
- [music stops]

Hey, hey! Never do that!
Never do that! This is my work!

I wouldn't
come into your dairy

and unplug
the milking machine.

Okay, all right.
You know what?

What you did down
in the laundry room
is unacceptable.

- Taking my clothes out--
- Hey, you're a girl.

What is the most romantic
Megadeath song?

- What?
- Well, I had a big fight
with my girlfriend.

She says I'm aimless
and don't have any ambition,

so I decided
to make her this tape:

"Heavy Metal Songs
of Love and Devotion."

Hey, good plan.

Yeah, you know,
I always thought that
if Humphrey Bogart

had just made
Ingrid Bergman a mix tape,

she never would've
gotten on that plane.

[scoffs]

What, you're gonna give me
relationship advice?

Yeah, that's what I need.

Then maybe I could find
some nice gay guy

to live with
for the rest of my adult life.

You know what?

I'm going to accept that
as an apology for my laundry.

I got your message.
What do you need?

Two tickets to the opening
of the Atom Bar tonight.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I love you! I love you!
I always loved you!

- We're going!
- We're going!

Mr. D.J.,
put a record on--

I wanna dance with my baby.

[vocalizing]

Music makes the people
come together!

Jack, Jack. No, no,
Jack, Jack. Jack. Jack.

Don't do that part.

[knocking on door]

Hello, boys.

Got a little surprise for ya.

Hide the crucifixes.
Beelzebooze is here.

[laughs]
Oh, honey.

I got a fake laugh
with your name all over it.

Now I want you to meet
my mother-in-law, Sylvia Walker.

Haul it in here, Syl.

Nice to meet you.

May I sit down?

Uh, be my guest.

- Hey. That's the dragon lady?
- Oh.

That little pocket person
is...

is the one
who strikes fear in your
in your heart facsimile?

Well, I might have been
exaggerating a little bit,

but, you know, I thought
about it, and you're right.

Getting along with people,
like Madison Avenue

is a two-way street.

Madison Avenue
is a one-way street.

Oh! Well, that explains
why those two cops had Driver
in a choke hold last night.

But you know what,
the Goiter and I had
a long talk, and uh...

She's not such
a bad old bird after all.

Right, Syl?

What's that, dear?

Oh, she's thinkin'
about her friends
in the Lollipop Guild.

You know, she was a U.S.O. girl
in the war between the states.

Oh, Wilma, be a love
and get a little snicky
snack for Syl, okay?

Just a little birdseed
and some sugar water.

You can put it anywhere.
She'll find it.

I just don't get it.
I can't believe someone

as big as Stan came out
of that tiny little woman.

Well, I'm no expert,

but I read an article
once in Skymiles magazine.

Apparently, when they come out,
they're much smaller.

Ugh!
The whole thing's a horror.

It's nice to see Karen,
you know, putting
a little effort.

You know, I knew if
she just reached out to her--

Karen?

She took off.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We have to be at the club
in less than an hour.

And I still need time to soak
and spritz before I can sizzle.

Jack, relax.
She's coming back.

I mean, Karen might be evil,
but she's not gonna stick us
with her mother-in-law

for the rest of the night.

- [dance music playing]
- Could I get a Kamikaze?

Rum and Coke, please?

Hot tea, please.

[dance music playing within]

So, Syl, um,
let me ask ya.

Do you ever regret throwin'
that big blue diamond

in the bottom of the water
where the Titanic went down?

Karen's not answering.

Did you try her garter phone?

She has a garter ph--
What is she, one of the X-men?

Hey, when clubbing,
I put my phone in my underwear.

Yeah, that's just so
when it rings, you can say,
"Wanna grab that?"

It's true.

[clears throat]
Okay, here's the number,

but you should know, it's
only for real emergencies,

like if Sunny Von Bulow comes to
and starts pointing fingers.

I can see you.

[phone ringing]

Karen Walker's panties.

Karen, we're down
at the Atom Bar.

Get over here and pick up
your mother-in-law.

I will when you get over here
and pick up your mother-in-law!

- I don't have a mother-in-law.
- Then the deal's off!

You try.

Hey, Kar. Yeah, listen.

You got to come pick up
the Goiter, okay?

Yeah well, see,
we're at this huge party,

and it's
especially important to Will

because he has the opportunity

to have his very first
gay experience.

I know!

I know. I know.

Karen, I am not kidding around.
Get your gin-soaked ass

in your vodka-soaked limo

and pick up your tea-soaked
mother-in-law.

[Karen on phone]
All right, all right.

Don't get your training bra
in a twist.

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Thank you.

Sometimes you just have to be
a little tough with her.

- She's not coming, is she?
- No.

You know, something you said
yesterday really stuck
in my craw.

What's a craw?

I don't know. I think
it's something like a claw.

- Why didn't you just saw claw?
- Can we move past this?

Sure. "Crum" right in.
We'll "crawk" about it.

Okay, look. What you said
about me and my roommate
was totally off-base.

I'll have you know
that my relationship

with Will
is very healthy.

We talk about everything.

We spend every spare
minute together.

We don't date anyone that the
other one doesn't approve of.

Okay, that doesn't sound
very healthy,

but it's really
more of a checkoff system.

- Boy, I really got
to you, didn't I?
- [scoffs] No!

I don't give a crap
what you think.

Then why are you up here?

[incredulous laugh]

I could ask you
the same question.

Not really. I live here.

You know what?

I'm going to accept that
as an apology

for what you said
about me and my roommate.

Would you mind, uh,
"crowsing" the door?

So, Sylvia, you having
a good time?

Oh, lean in, dear.
There's a little something...

And the night's complete.

It's official. We're dating.

Which one? The one on the right
or the one on the left?

Yes.

Amazing.

I'm a lawyer, I'm a nice guy,
I get no one.

Jack eats Ho-Hos
with chopsticks

keeps a phone in his pants,
he gets everyone.

Why do I keep putting
myself through this?

It's the same old
letdown every time.

Well, of course it is, dear.

How do you expect anything
in your life to change

if you don't change?

Well, because...
You don't...

Huh.

The gullet of a bird
or insect.

- What?
- Craw. That's what a craw is.

Well, now I can
finish my Cheerios

without wondering
"Why are we here?"

- Look, I gotta go.
- What, you got another project?

As a matter of fact, I do.

You know, I'm still trying
to get Vicki back,

so I'm making her name
out of

[French accent]
pap-i-er-mâché.

Out of what?

You know, pap-i-er-mâché,

the French art
of paper sculpture.

It's "paper mâché,"
you pretentious boob.

And do you really think that
is going to win her back?

Yep.

[laughs, snorts]

Oh, God. Boy, do you have
a lot to learn about women.

I mean, tons.

A lot. Much.

Plenty to learn.

Well, I know this
much about women.

When they hover in your doorway
muttering tiny words,

they're waiting for you
to ask for their advice.

Wrong.

- What's your advice?
- Romance her.

That's what women want.

Do something that'll
take her breath away,

and I'm not talking
about shoving her face
in your hamper.

- Another round.
- Hey.

Will Truman, right?

Riverside Drive, MasterCard
expires March 2003?

Wow, I knew these pants
were tight.

I didn't think you could
read the contents
of my wallet through 'em.

Scott.
I'm the assistant manager

at Gayle and Patty's Video.

Hey.

Hey, listen,
so if you remind me,

the next time you come in,
I'll give you a free
microwave popcorn.

I appreciate that. I really
don't think I'm gonna come in

and say, "Hey, remember me?
You promised me a free
package of Pop Secret."

Hey, Will...

There's a Cassavetes double
feature at the Film Forum,

one where Gena Rowlands
is drunk and crazy,

the other where
she's crazy and drunk.

Do you want to go?

Maybe get some
dinner afterwards?

- I don't know.
- Why not?

Well, for one thing,
in the Eighties, when
I was wearing safety pins

to look cool, you were
wearing them to stay dry.

Give me a break.
I'm 24 years old.
What are you, 27?

27?

Yes, I am.

Look, you're...

You're totally cute, but I
just don't really see this...

You know, I usually
go out with...

You know what? Yes.
Let's go out tomorrow night.

Cool, so around 10:00?

10:00? I will have been
in bed for four hours.

Okay, 9:00, we'll go out.

You have your own
Razor scooter, right?

- I'm kidding.
- That was a good one.

Sylvia? That's on me.

I took your advice, and I have
got a date tomorrow night.

- Ooh! Good for you, dear.
- Yeah.

I gotta be honest.
You know, at first,
I was furious with Karen

that she stuck us with you,
but...

The truth is, if it
weren't for you, I probably
wouldn't have met that guy.

- Guy?
- Yeah.

- Scott.
- You're a fag?

- What?
- I helped a fairy get a date?

Oh, I'm going to hell!

Okay, it's over with those two,

but I met my rebound couple,
Bob and Chuck.

You're queer, too?

As Christmas
in Bloomingdale's, girlfriend.

Oh! Oh, help, police!
Oh, I'm surrounded by homos!

Oh, homos! Homos!

- Homos, homos!
- Just quiet down, Sylvia.

Get away from me, you fruit!
Oh, I'm a fag hag!

- Oh!
- [blows whistle]

[all cheering in response]

Excuse me? Did you put
your underwear in
with my laundry?

[Nathan]
I needed to get you up here.

Ever hear of a Post-It?

Yeah, but then my underwear
would still be dirty.

Hi.

Wow. Look at you.

You've gone from pig
to Pygmalion.

- What do you want with me?
- I just wanted to get
your opinion.

Wow.

Yeah, Vicki always wanted
to go to Venice, so I thought...

I can't believe it.
It's amazing.

- Yeah.
- You can practically
smell the canals.

Well, that's probably just
the sheets. Come, sit down.

I want you to get
the total experience.

Psych!
Just kidding. Here ya go.

[British accent]
Would you care for some wine?

Uh, okay.

So... do you like this?

Yeah. What are we doing?

Well, I just thought
we'd have a nice little evening.

But I thought that all
of this was for Vicki.

Well, she saw all this,
it didn't work for her,

she blew me off,
I kicked her out.

Anyway, here's to us.

What?
Are you out of your mind?

Are you actually offering me
a used night in Venice?

Look, I'm sorry--

[laughs]

No, no, no, hey.
Look, ever since...

You know, ever since
you started yelling at me,

I can't stop thinking
about you,

and besides, Vicki
and I were never really
right for each other.

She doesn't get me.
I need to be with someone
who gets me.

I don't get you.

Yeah, but in
a totally different way.

I don't-- You are--
I...

[stuttering]
I am horrified!

I mean, I mean,
how could you think
that this would work?

I mean, do you see what
you're offering me?

A sloppy second gondola,

a half-empty bottle of wine,

a calzone with the sauce
licked off the top.

I mean, is this your idea
of romance?

You know nothing about women.

I am so offended,
I don't even know what to say.

One date.

[knocking on door]

- Who is it?
- [man] Tanqueray delivery.

Oh, thank God.