Original subtitles

Jack eat something. Come on.

I bought you this yummy lavender cupcake.

Yeah, with rainbow sprinkles. The color of our flag.

Thanks, guys, but...

ever since Rocco dumped me, I can’t eat a thing.

It’s like I'm becoming "manorexic."

I know. Breakups are hard.

Especially after all the time you and Rocco spent together.

You know, both days?

I’ll never get over this. Gosh!

Come on! That’s not the Jackie I know.

You take a lickin’, and you keep on tickin’. So you can...

keep on lickin’.

Maybe I should eat a little bit of that cupcake.

You really shouldn’t use food to suppress your pain.

Yeah. Thanks for bein’ so supportive, G.

But right now I just kind of wanna be alone with my thought.

Oh, I should probably help with the check.

Okay, so, what sounds better at a party?

"I just got back from Bora Bora,"

or "I just got back from the coast of Australia"?

And before you answer, keep in mind that with Australia,

there’s lots of opportunity for puns on the phrase "down under."

What are you talking about?

Joe and Larry and I are going on a scuba vacation.

How fun! Are you gonna take anyone else?

Hint, hint.

You mean someone who’d spend a 13-hour plane flight going

"What’s that? What's that noise? What’s that?"

Well, you know, the sound of 50 packets of nuts being opened

at the same time sounds a lot like a wing falling off.

I gotta pee like a racehorse.

I don’t mean a lot. I just mean throwing my mane back and snorting.

Grace?

Heidi!

Oh, my God!

I was just thinking about you.

- No, you weren’t. - No, I wasn’t.

[laughter]

God, it’s been so long. How are you? How’s Charlie?

Oh, you know, I don’t know.

We kind of drifted apart.

He moved to San Francisco a couple years ago,

met a guy at a Pottery Barn,

had a glass of chardonnay and poof! Instant couple.

What? You guys were best friends. You did everything together.

Oh, gosh. I still remember that Halloween when he went as Cindy Crawford

and you went as her mole.

What happened?

Nothing happened. You know, gay man, straight woman.

It’s not like we had anything holding us together.

You know, like a house or kids.

You must’ve been through something like that with Will.

Uh, no. We’re still together.

Roommates, havin’ fun, doin’ stuff.

No offense, sweetie, but I know how to keep my gay man.

[laughs]

Well, good for you.

I guess you and Will are the exception.

- I guess. - Oh! I have to go.

- Definitely call me. - I will.

- No, you won’t. - No, I won’t.

Another cupcake.

Hey.

Oh, uh, you just missed Heidi Dauro.

- No way. - Yeah.

You know, she doesn’t talk to Charlie anymore.

He just up and moved to San Francisco.

Well, good for him.

Why good for him?

I don’t know. What did he have keeping him here?

- Okay. Good-bye. - Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We haven’t filled in the crossword puzzles with dirty answers yet.

I know, but I want to be early for my scuba class.

When I get there late, I get the bad wet suit.

You put it on, it makes that "pbbbt" sound, and everybody giggles.

[theme music playing]

Will, come on. Put the stuff down and come sit with me.

- What? Say again. - I really need to talk to you.

Ooh. The creature from the hot lagoon.

Make it quick. I’m sweaty in places I never even knew existed.

Okay.

The other day I was thinking that

you and I have been friends for a...

long...

time... All right. Okay. Enough. I want to talk to you.

All right.

You know, these things make everything look bigger.

Good. You can take it on your next date.

Okay. I was thinking

that you and I should invest in something together.

Like what? Your debt?

No. Something for the both of us.

[knocking on door]

Just tell me what you’re thinking.

I’m not thinking of anything specific.

Hi. Where do you want the piano?

Over there.

Any thoughts at all?

Of course. The perfect investment.

Matching guys in weight belts.

Hey. Guys in rubber suits shouldn’t throw stones.

Thanks, guys.

You bought a piano?

No. I can’t afford a piano.

We bought a piano. Okay, before you freak out...

Really, between the two of us, it’s really not that expensive,

and I think it would be really great for us to own something together.

I mean, the piano is perfect.

In my family, no matter how far away we got from each other or how much we fought,

the piano always brought us back together again.

Yeah. There was one time my family fought

and got real far away from each other.

We called it the Eighties.

I don’t know, Kar.

I’ve never felt a pain quite like this.

They tell you to stretch before love.

Eh, I didn’t listen.

But I have found that it helps to throw myself into my writing.

You can write?

You know I’m a writer.

I completed three short novels by the time I was ten.

In fact, my first one, "Forbidden Fort From Cushions"

received critical acclaim from my nana.

- Honey, are you wearing base? - A little bit.

Okay.

So, I’ve decided to write

my relationship with Rocco the way it should have been.

I’m turning my pain into art.

"To Weep and to Willow: a Harlequeen Romance."

- You want me to read you some? - You can read?

A little bit.

Here it goes.

"Christian awoke with a start.

There was Giovanni, looming large. At least from the side view.

His eyes, black as sin and burning with lust.

Christian felt his man heat rise within his being.

Suddenly, Giovanni seized his mouth, devouring his soul.

Their tongues struggled to find each other in a wildly ravishing kiss

that ripped through Christian like a bolt of lightning."

Cheese and rice, that is so hot!

There are places I re...

...member all my...

life.

Though some have change. Changed.

Changed-changed-changed.

Yeah! That is good!

I can’t believe what a good piano player

you’ve become in just four or five days.

Well, I have you to thank for that video,

"How to Become a Good Piano Player in Just Four or Five Days."

This is so fun.

- Gotta go. - What?

- Where are you going? - We got plans.

A bunch of us are gonna go see cute guys in their underpants.

That’s actually the name of the play.

What’s it about? I don’t think we care.

So, what? You’re just gonna blow me off?

Okay, look...

I didn’t say anything Thursday night

when you made me skip going to the gym so we could work

on our Elton John Kiki Dee number.

And I didn’t say anything last night

when you kept me up till 3 a.m. learning the Mikado.

By the way, do you have any idea how hard it is to get

"Three little maids from school are we" out of your head?

But tonight, I just want to do something else.

But the piano will miss you.

I will miss you, Will.

You know how sometimes you think something’s gonna be really cute

and then it just turns out kind of creepy?

Okay...

- I will see you later. - Fine.

I don’t know why we bought this thing if you weren’t gonna play it.

Grace, what is going-- Are you okay?

Yeah. yeah, I’m fine. It's just...

a little case of "pianis interruptus."

No, I’m fine.

Okay, I’ll see you later.

Three little maids from school are we, filled with the br-- Damn it!

[phone ringing]

"Giovanni’s fingers tore wildly at the lacings

of my seafoam green polar fleece."

[phone rings]

"Like some fantastic farm animal, he grunted and whispered...

’Tonight, my love,

you will see the face of God.’

Christian closed his eyes and received him hungrily."

Lord, this is hot.

Hey, Kare.

Do you know if Joseph Aldi happened to call and say

what he thought of my design for the breakfast nook?

"He shuddered and screamed out, I am reborn!"

I knew the marble countertop would be a big splash.

Karen, can I ask you something?

Oh, yeah. Give it to me.

Well, Will and I bought this piano together,

and for the first couple of days, it was great,

- but now, it seems like he’s bored with it. - Ooh! ouch!

Like last night.

He just up and walked out in the middle of our sing-along.

Filthy beast!

Well, that’s a little strong.

Give it right back to him.

You know what?

I will. You know, he doesn’t understand how important this piano is.

That’s it! That’s the stuff!

If you’re gonna bring something into your life,

you have to invest some time into it.

Yes. Heh.

I mean, it’s a commitment, and I mean that means

both people have to be committed to it.

- Right? - Yes! Yes!

I mean, I’m not gonna let him just walk away from this.

I’m gonna protect what’s important in my life.

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes! Yes!

Thanks for your support, Karen. I feel better.

Oh, Grace, when did you get here?

97, 98...

99...

100.

1...

2...

Honey, your words are rocking my world and my pants.

Why aren’t you typing, you big, merry sissy?

I don’t need to write anymore. Rocco and I are back together.

No, Jack, I need these pages.

I’m getting so many images from this stuff,

sex with Stan has gone from "I’ve got a headache" to "I’ve got to have it!"

Sorry, Kar, no can do.

But, honey, I’ve got to know what happens next.

I’m addicted to these stories.

Which is odd because I don’t have

an addictive personality.

Hey, even if I wanted to write something,

I couldn’t, ’cause I'm happy now.

Pain was the coal that fueled the choo-choo of my art.

So, what are saying, honey? If you...

If you weren’t with him, I’d have my stories?

Probably, but I am with him.

- But if you weren’t... - But I am.

- But if you weren’t... - But I am.

- But if you weren’t. - But I am.

[elevator bell dings]

Three little maids from-- Damn it!

- Hey. - Hey.

Listen, about last night, thanks for understanding.

You know, I just needed to be around people.

Oh, I know. I was just being selfish.

Of course you should see your friends.

Well, I’m glad you feel that way,

’cause you know I’m going out again tonight.

Oh, I know. You gotta have friends, right?

- That’s right. - Hit it!

’Cause you gotta have friends.

The feeling’s oh, so strong.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Hi, friends, and Mr. Zamir.

- What’s going on? - What’s going on?

You don’t have to go out

because I brought your friends to you

for an old-fashioned piano party.

It’s kind of like an old-fashioned bore,

except it has the words "piano" and "party" in it.

Ladies and gentle-ladies,

I would like to dedicate a song to my Rocco.

The love theme from "A Man and a Woman".

Or as I like to call it, "Two Men."

Why did you throw me a piano party when you knew I was going out?

’Cause it's so much more fun.

I mean, this way you can bring your friends

to the old-fashioned piano party, and, really--

Will, everyone loves an old-fashioned piano party.

Please stop saying "old-fashioned piano party."

There’s no such thing as an old-fashioned piano party.

Just because you keep saying "old-fashioned piano party",

- doesn’t mean it exists! - I have to tell you,

this is a great old-fashioned piano party.

Even better than the ones my mom used to throw.

[chuckles]

I’m laughing because I’m uncomfortable, and I don’t know why.

Oh, oh, you know what we need to do?

Our Captain and Tennille number.

No. Not even if I get to be Tennille.

What’s the matter with you? You’re acting like a nutball.

My mistake, an old-fashioned nutball.

Honey, I’m desperate.

What’s it gonna take to get you to break up with Jack?

Well, I really love him, so...

50 bucks?

50 bucks, huh?

I guess my kids won’t have their "pay off the bully" money tomorrow, but...

But that’s okay, ’cause I'm the bully!

[cackles]

Get out of here. Get out.

Enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough.

That’s enough!

Okay, time for root beer floats.

That should get Will into the spirit

of the old-fashioned piano party.

Count me out, Grace.

Joe’s been very upset with my love-handles

or as he calls them,

"I don’t want to touch you, Larry."

Come on, Larry, let’s go. It’s margarita madness at Crisco Disco.

- Ohh! That sounds fun. - Larry, you and Will aren’t going out, are you?

No.

- Fine. I’ll go alone. - [Grace] Everybody!

Will really wants to play the piano, but he’s a little shy.

Maybe you can give him a little help, okay?

[all cheering]

I don’t want to play the stupid piano.

Come on, Will, your wife went through a lot of trouble.

- Come on. Play. - She’s not...

Okay, everybody, root beer floats.

Come and get it. Will?

No. I’m getting out of here. Where the hell are my keys?

What is your problem?

Why are you totally bailing out on this piano?

I’m not! What, do I have to play it every second?

Yes, you do. Now, sit your ass on the bench of the piano

that we bought together, sip your root beer float, and have some friggin’ fun!

- Uh, Grace? - What?

Oh, there they are.

I was gonna say, "Be careful."

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Should we go?

Look what you did!

You ruined it! You ruined everything!

We should go.

Grace, I’m sorry, but it’s just a piano.

No, it’s not. It’s more than that,

but you just don’t realize it, so just forget it!

Just go! Just move to San Francisco...

and go scuba diving for cute guys in underpants,

’cause obviously, there's just nothing keeping you here!

[piano keys wildly play]

Have you been gargling with bong water?

We’re drifting apart, Will.

People do. It happened to Heidi and Charlie.

They don’t even talk anymore.

Oh, my God! Is that what this is all about?

Grace, we are always going to be in each other’s lives.

How do you know that?

Huh? Things change. I mean, you’re gonna get a boyfriend.

I’m gonna get a boyfriend.

Hopefully not the same boyfriend...

We’re not a couple. We’re not married.

We don’t have kids. What do we have to keep us together?

Love.

- Love will keep us together. - Don’t do that.

You know, there are a million things that could pull us

in a million different directions.

Think of me, babe, whenever.

- And then we’ll end up talking less and less. - Some sweet-talking

guy comes along

- singing a song. - Don’t do this.

We’re talking about our friendship here.

Don’t mess around. You’ve just gotta be strong.

You know what? Doing this stupid song

is not gonna take away my concerns, okay?

- Just stop. - Stop!

’Cause I really love you.

- Stop. - Stop.

I’ve been thinking of you.

Look in my heart and let love

keep us together.

Well, I must say, this is the best

old-fashioned piano party I’ve ever been to.

And, you know, this thing is going back tomorrow.

First thing in the morning.

Yeah. Still creepy.

There you are.

Penny for your thoughts.

- I’m dumping you. - What?

- It’s just not working. - Why?

I don’t know. Karen didn't tell me why, but it’s not.

Good night, Jack.

Honey, what’s going on? What’s happening? Are you okay?

Karen, Rocco just dumped me.

Oh, honey, that’s terrible. My heart is cleft in twain.

You must be devastated. Here.

Why don’t you try writing through your pain.

When last we left him, Giovanni was staring at the stable boy

and feeling a familiar tightening in his pants. Go.

I know you made him dump me. What’d you do, pay him 50 bucks?

Did he say that?

Who are you gonna believe?

Me or some street trash I paid 50 bucks to to dump ya?

I will never forgive you for this.

And as for more writing, well, you just forget it.

How about if I pay you 100 bucks?

You know, that is so low.

It hurts that you would try to bribe me.

It causes me a lot of pain.

I have no choice but to write through that pain.