All language subtitles for Will & Grace (1998) - S03E18 - Mad Dogs and Average Men 1080p WEBDL h264 AAC 2.0

So I’m kinda in a playful mood.
Let’s go to the batting cages
tonight.

Jack, as much as I’d love to
play a rousing game of "Guess
who’s wearing a cup," I can't.

I’m busy. I gotta break
it off with Paul.

You two are still
dating each other?

God, you both have
such bad taste.

I--

He’s so needy and desperate.

And he’s always telling me
how gorgeous I am.

Oh, yeah, just brought up
a little Eggo there.

Last night, at the restaurant,
he tried to say "I love you"
in sign language.

The candle caught
his sleeve on fire. I had to...

I had to throw
my margarita on him.

- To put out the fire.
- No, ’cause he said "I
love you" in sign language.

So why are you still going
out with him anyway?
He a chubby chaser?

I’m almost embarrassed to say.
It’s so ridiculous.

He has this amazing dog.

Oh.

His dog.

I got ya.

I stayed with many a guy because
he had a nice, big dog.

- It’s so well trained.
- I’m sure it is.

- Totally kissable.
- Aren’t they all?

- You do realize I’m talking
about an actual dog, don’t you?
- I do now.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Really, I’m not going
to ask you again.

Stay out
of my underwear drawer.
Nothing fits me anymore.

So... How did Paul handle
the big shove-off?

I couldn’t do it.

The dog gave me that look
and then he started
wagging his little tail.

You are such a sucker
for a little tail.

I just wish there was some way
I could keep the dog
and lose the guy.

Hey, don’t say that.
It’s bad karma.

I mean, I know you love to play
with his dog and pet it

- and talk baby-talk to it--
- [Jack] Wait, wait.

Let me stop you before
you embarrass yourself, okay?

He’s talking about
an actual dog, stupid.

[theme music playing]

Very good. I’ll make sure
that she gets the message.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow. Is it me,
or are you hot in here?

Oh, God, I hate myself.

No, that’s all right.
I thought it was very sweet.

Thanks.

No, really,
who the hell are you?

Sorry about that!
There were no towels
in the ladies room,

so I had to wait till someone
came in with a long coat.

So I see you two have met.

- Actually, yes.
- Sumner Davis.

Grace Adler.

So, listen, Summy.

Stan and I Will pick you
up around 7:00 and we’ll
head on over to Le Chardonnay.

They have a lamb shank
that Stan likes.

Although we could probably
pour some cream sauce over
a boot, and he’d be happy.

All right. See you then.
Grace, it was really
nice meeting you.

It was nice... You, too.

Whoa, ho!

Wow. That man is
so good-looking, he put
a hitch in my giddy-up.

- How do you know him?
- Oh, he’s my nephew.

Your nephew?
You’re an aunt?

You know, I do have a family.

I know.

I just always imagined
they lived in pods somewhere.

In your boiler room.

And they only came out
at night to race

from village to village
stealing people’s essences.

Oh, honey.

I don’t have a boiler room.

Well, wherever that nephew
came from, I want him
to come back.

We really had some heat.
We clicked.

We sparked.

You know what the best part is?
The best part is

that I know that this
one is not gay. Please
tell me that I’m right.

- Yes, you are.
He’s not gay.
- Yes! Yes!

You see? You see
all those years
of dating losers

and closeted gay guys
and that drag queen

and that one masculine-looking
girl is not for nothing.

I have honed my instincts.

And my instincts are
telling me that

- your nephew is one
quality prospect.
- He’s married.

Really? He seems gay.

[ knocks on door ]

Hi, Paul.

- You look gorgeous.
- Paul...

you don’t have to keep saying,
"You look gorgeous,
you look gorgeous."

All right. Hello, sexy.

Gorgeous is fine.

We need to talk and--

Hewwo, face!
How is my little Pepper? Hmm?

Oh, I missed you so much.
Yes, I did.

Anyway, the reason
I came over here was to--

Did somebody have a bath?
Because somebody
smells dericious!

Yes, it’s you. It's you.

I took a bath, too.

But I’m already sweating.
I’m nervous

because I have this hot
supermodel in my apartment.

Oh, yeah, right.
Back to this.

Paul, the reason I came--

What are you doing?
Are you flirting with me?

- Is that what
you want me to do?
- You’re so good with him.

- Huh?
- You guys really
have a connection.

- Yeah, Paul, what
I’m trying to say--
- Wait. I just had a great idea.

You know how I’m going
to that medical supply
convention this weekend?

Great! I mean, ohh.
I mean... Go on.

I was going to board Pepper,

but now I’m thinking why
don’t you just take him
for the weekend?

Really? That would be great.

So, what is it you
want to tell me?

Oh, uh...

Nothing.

So you want
to come home with me?

Anyone who wants to come home
with me, give me a big kiss.

[knocking on door]

- Hey, Grace.
- Sumner, hi.

If you’re looking for your
Aunt Karen, she’s not here.

She doesn’t work on days
that end with... "day."

Actually, no, I came to see you.

I thought you might
like to have lunch.

I’m just-- I'm just going
to stop you right there,
’cause I don't...

I don’t date married men.

Well...

At least not once
I now they’re married.

Wait a second. What are you
talking about? I’m not married.

Okay. Yeah. Right.

You probably keep your wedding
band in your pocket.

Well, no, I don’t.
You want to check?

Kinda.

Karen totally lied to me.
Why would she tell me that
you were married--

Bop-bop-bo...

What’s goin' on here?
Sumner.

I thought we agreed
to meet at the hotel.

Aunt Karen, why did you
tell Grace I was married?

Oh. You know, there’s
one little thing you need
to know about Grace.

She has only a passing
acquaintance with the truth,

but she’s just like this
with the polyblends.

Hey, hey, I’m not the liar
here. You’re the liar.

She once gave me a breath mint,
and I woke up

four days later with my clothes
on backwards

and a sticker
of Baltimore on my forehead.

Honey, go on down
to the limo.

Uncle Stan wants to take
you out and buy you
a souvenir of Manhattan.

How do you feel about
12-story buildings?

- But Aunt Karen--
- Oh, go on, you little pisher!

[sighs]

Um, excuse me, Karen,
we’re not done with this.

Why did you tell me
that Sumner was married?

He’s a con artist, Grace.

He meets attractive,
single women, charms
his way into their lives,

makes them think they have
a future with him, and then,
six months later...

he’s gone,
and so is their savings.

He even went to jail
for it once.

Oh, my God!

That’s awful.

Are we talking a full six
months? No. No, no.

Mom, can I call you
back tomorrow?

Well, I’m cooking dinner
for somebody.

Well, actually, it’s
not really for him.
I’m doing it for his dog.

No, Mother, an actual dog!

Will?

Will, where are you?
You would not believe
what Karen--

[food sizzling]

Wow, what smells so good?

Yum!

- This is great!
- You just ate that?

Yeah! How come
you never make this for me?

Because it’s dog food.

Needs a little salt.

So what were you
yelling about?

First, Karen tells me

that I can’t go out with
her nephew because he’s married.

Lie! Then she tells me
he’s an ex-con.

Then he calls me,
and I end up asking him

whether or not the guys
in the joint are as
hot as they are "Oz."

Are they?

I don’t know. He's not
an ex-con. That was another lie.

So I asked him
why is Karen doing this?

And he says,
"It’s because she doesn't
want me going out with you."

She doesn’t think
I’m good enough for him.

- He told you that?
- Why else would she
stop me from dating him?

I mean, can you believe her?
I mean, how dare she think

that I’m not good enough or
classy enough for her family.

You know, I gotta be honest.
That is damn good dog food.

Now, I’m gonna
track her down

and I’m gonna rip her a new--
Hold on a second.

You are sautéing dog food
in my best skillet.

Yeah, well, mine
doesn’t heat as evenly.

I want you
to say that again.

And listen to yourself
very carefully.

Mine doesn’t heat as evenly.

- For the purpose of...?
- Making a farewell dinner.

- For?
- A dog. Okay, I get it.

Paul’s coming home tonight,
and this whole thing
is going to be over.

- By the way, where is the dog?
- Jack took him out for a walk.

Why?

So you could surprise him
with this romantic dinner?

And a movie.

I’m gonna track down Karen.

I’m gonna use those
little bottles
of airline booze as chum.

Hey-ho, we’re back!

We had a delightful time.
Anyway, gotta run. Tater tot.

Wait! Whoa! Whoa, ho ho ho!

- Who’s this?
- That’s Pepper.

Your lover’s dog.
His tag said dry clean only,
but I washed him in warm.

Jack!

- It wasn’t my fault!
- Oh, no, you lost the dog?

What can I say? We were playing
fetch, and when I brought back
the stick, he was gone.

Pepper is
out there alone? This-- God!

Paul is gonna freak!

- Relax. He’ll get over it.
- Oh, yeah?

Would you get over it
if somebody lost your

needlepoint pillow with
the "Party of Five" cast?

[dramatic gasp]

Dear God, what have I done?

Okay. The important
thing is not to panic.

We still have plenty
of time to figure something
out before Paul gets here.

[knocking on door]

- Maybe it’s not Paul.
- [Paul] Will, it’s Paul!

- Maybe it’s another Paul.
- Paul Budnik.

- Maybe he forgot about the dog.
- I’m here to pick up the dog.

- Maybe he’s over you.
- I missed you.

Well, my work here’s done.

Whoa, ho, ho...
Hold on there, girly girl!

You lost that dog,
and you are gonna tell
him you lost that dog.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Shift it back.

If you tell him
you lost the dog,

he’s gonna be so angry
with you, he’ll dump you.

Yeah, you’re guilt-free.
No muss, no fuss.

You are a despicable person.
Forget it!

You lost the dog.
You’re gonna tell him so.

- Hello, gorgeous.
- Paul, I lost your dog.

What?

- Pepper’s gone?
- Gone, gone, gone!

And it’s all my fault.
So just--

Whatever you wanna say to me,
whatever you wanna do,
let ’er rip,

because I deserve it.

I want you to hold me
till the pain goes away.

No, I know you’ve
got a lot of dogs
at the pound.

But this one’s special.
He answers to the name
of Pepper.

And if you put
your nose to his belly,
it smells like corn chips.

Hello?

- Any luck?
- No. I looked everywhere.

I really tried to put
myself in a dog’s position.

Why should today
be any different?

Well, this is what I get.

I only stayed with Paul
because he had that great dog

and now the dog is gone,
I’m stuck with Paul
the rest of my life.

Grace was right. She said this
would come back to bite me
in the ass, and it did.

I don’t understand why
you just don’t break
up with him.

He’ll understand.
He’s not hot.

No. No. I made my bed.
Now I’m gonna lie in it.

Since your next date is
the fourth date, you’ll
be lying in it with Paul.

On the other hand...

Do I really owe him anything?

I mean, terrible things
happen every day.

Dogs run away,
people get sick.

Isn’t it worse
to continue dating Paul?

Doesn’t that
just compound the offense?

You know, I’m thinking
about veneers.

I’m breaking it off.
For his own good.

And for my own good.
The good of all Americans.

I love being a lawyer.
I can convince myself
of anything.

Paul? Hi, it’s Will.
Listen, I...

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Good. We’re on the same page.
Thank you.

We’re going away
for the weekend.

[opera being performed]

Honey, be a love

and move that filthy goat pelt
off my husband’s seat.

Thank you.

It’s nice to see you two.

The lazy eye is getting better.

Mrs. Walker, you’re awful.

Oh, Lois, you have no idea.

- Ma’am, I'm gonna need
to see your ticket.
- I don’t have a ticket.

- Well, then, you can’t go in.
- Look, it’s no problem.
I’m gonna take two minutes.

Miss, I’m sorry.
You’re gonna have to leave.

Excuse me. Would you just
take your hands off me?

It’s an opera.
How about a little decorum?

We need to talk.

- How’d you know I was here?
- Rosario.

I waved a Hostess berry pie
in front of her face,
and she sang like bird.

[scoffs]

That’s it! Tomorrow
she loses a finger.

Look, I talked to Sumner.

He’s not a scam artist,
and he’s never been in jail.

So can you please tell me
why you are doing
everything possible to--

What is Stan doing
on the floor?

He had a turkey in the limo.
He’s sleeping it off.

[shushing]

Oh, come on,
it’s Madame Butterfly.
You know how it ends.

[makes choking sound]

Look, I put up with
a lot of crap from you.

Telling me my chest
is on backwards.

[giggles]

That my hair is such a disaster
the Red Cross won’t
give it coffee.

What? I never said that.

But I might use it.
Red Cross! I like it!

Red... Red Cross.

This is different.

This hurts.
You tell me the truth.

- [sighs]
- You tell me why
I can’t see Sumner.

All right, you wanna know why?
I will tell you!

He’s a hired assassin.
He’d just as soon kill ya
as look at ya.

- No, he’s not.
- Okay, he’s a woman.

- A robot?
- Karen? Stop it!

Stop lying and admit it:
You don’t think I'm
good enough for him.

What?! Your thong’s
on too tight!

Then why won’t you
let him see me?

- I have my reasons!
- Well, then, tell me!

- Just drop it!
- Why, because you think
I only sleep with homos?

["Homos" echoes]

If you answer her,
maybe she’ll leave.

- Tell me.
- All right.

The reason I don’t want you
to go out with Sumner
is because...

Because he’s not good
enough for you.

What?

Honey, you’re special,
and Sumner...

Well, he’s just not.

Now, don’t get me wrong.
He’s my nephew, and I love
him like a son of a bitch.

And I mean that literally.
Stan’s sister's a bitch.

But, you know, there is
just no way that he is
going to appreciate...

what a wonderful woman
you are. I mean...

You’re quirky, you're kind.
You’ve got a heart
as big as your feet.

So come on, let’s just drop it
and watch the movie.

What? What?

Nothing. You just...

- You think I’m special.
- I do not.

- You said it.
- I take it back.

You can’t take it back.
You already said it,

and it’s out there,
and it’s never gonna go away.

Well, don’t let it
go to your head.

Your hair’s already such
a disaster that the Red Cross
wouldn’t give it coffee!

[hysterical laughing]

[Paul]
Thanks for going away
with me.

I just don’t think I
can stay in the city
over the weekend

with all these
memories of Pepper.

I want us to make
our own memories, Will.

Fantastic.

Oh, um...

I found this under my couch.

- Pepper’s "Daily Growl."
- Yeah.

He loved this. "All the news
that’s fit to woof."

- [toy squeaks]
- [Pepper barks]

What was that?

[coughs like a dog bark;
clears throat]

Mold spores. It’ll get better
in the country. Let’s go.

- [toy squeaks]
- [Pepper barks]

Okay, let’s go!

Pepper, you’re back!

You must’ve climbed up
the fire escape

and pried open
the bedroom window!

Oh, my God! How did
you get him back?

Doggie LoJack.
There’s a chip in his neck.
He’s trained to run away.

I can’t--
I can’t believe it.

Do you have any idea the hell
I went through trying
to find this dog?

And now you’re telling me
you were totally scamming me?

Hey, I’m a realist.
Pepper gets me a lot
of play. He’s a hot dog.

Well, enjoy your hot dog.

’Cause you'll be gettin’
none of mine.