Original subtitles

[phone ringing]

Ignore it. We're screening.

[Will and Grace] ♪ Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪

[Grace] That's me!

[both] ♪ Who was living with a very lovely girl ♪

[Will] That's me!

[both] Leave a message!

[dial tone]

I hate us so hard right now.

New rule.

No more making phone machine messages after a pitcher of "margatinis."

Mail's here, and he is hot!

Oh, we also got some letters.

[laughs]

Oh, an advertisement for teeth bleaching.

Oh, this must be yours.

Ooh, and for moi.

Ooh, a postcard from Ma-ma.

Well, she's still on that cruise?

Yep. Sailin' the Caribbean with a boatload of desperate, saggy singles.

I gave her the toll-free number.

Oh, my God.

Listen to this.

I don't need my teeth bleached. They're fine.

Excuse me. Girl interrupted.

"Jack, I know this may come as a shock to you...

but your father is a black boy.

Gotta run. It's coconut shrimp night. Kisses, Mommy."

She said your father's a black boy?

And they have an entire night dedicated to coconut shrimp?

What is that toll-free number?

Oh, my God...

I'm black.

I'm black, and my mother says, "black boy."

I'm black, and my mother's a racist.

Will.

Actually, Grace, I totally see it.

What?

Jack's black.

I don't know why I have never noticed this before.

I salute you, my proud, black brother.

Thank you, Will.

It's nice to have your support.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find out what it means to be black like me.

[theme music playing]

[Grace] Oh, man.

They're raising the rent on my storage space again? Don't start.

I don't get it. Throwing away good money

to store a car you never even use.

It's my Uncle Jerry's car.

Uncle Jerry is dead. For four years now, Uncle Jerry has been dead.

And that car is the only thing I have to remember him by.

-It has sentimental value. -It's a Chevy Citation.

With no A/C and old man stink.

It's family.

You wouldn't understand that, because you're tiny-hearted.

Did you just call me Tonya Harding?

Don't flatter yourself.

You've got a weird thing about family. Everyone thinks so.

Lose the car. You never use it.

What if we did use it? Huh? We could...

zip off to the Hamptons whenever we wanted to. Wouldn't that be fun?

Okay, here we go.

[ignition sputters]

That's weird.

Will, what do you think's wrong?

She just asked a fairy an engine question.

Oh, my God. We're all gonna die in this car.

Karen, you're not gonna die.

It'd take a silver bullet and a wooden stake to do that.

Come on. Let's look.

All right, but you pop the hood. I just got a mani.

You know, honey, I'm happy for you.

And I'm happy for me, I've always wanted a black friend.

I finally found my roots, Karen.

It's like my whole life I've been waiting to exhale.

I wish they would hurry up. I've got to get home for a play date.

That pasty, pretentious eunuch, Beverley Leslie

is coming over to play pool.

So, cancel.

Honey, no! He's my dearest friend. What?

I thought I was your dearest friend.

He's my dearest white friend.

Okay, I think that fixed it.

[Jack] What did you guys do?

I opened the hood and jiggled the bendy thing.

I scratched my head and readjusted myself.

[ignition sputters, turns over]

Yes!

Wow...

you know, uncle Jerry used to take me to ballet class in this very car.

Then, after, we'd go to Friendly's for a fribble and a...

-fish-a-ma-jig, and-- -[Jack coughs]

Grace, I think there's something wrong with your car.

What are you talking about? It's purring like a kitten.

[Karen] Yeah. A kitten who smokes ten packs a day.

God, this is like a Cheech and Chong movie.

Dear...

I can't seem to set up this shot.

My big new diamond ring keeps throwing off my balance.

Oh, good for you, Bev.

Oh! Whoo!

That must have cost your wife a pretty penny.

You wouldn't believe the disgusting sexual perversions

I had to perform to get that.

Oh, I think I would.

Meet the twins. [laughs]

Yes, ma'am!

Oh!

Lord, the things we do for love.

-And money. -[both laugh]

-Here you go. -Where the hell have you been?

Riding a llama in Neverland.

Where do you think I was? I was cleaning.

Mr. Beverley Leslie, here's your B-52 with one ice cube.

Thank you, sweetie.

I thought your drink was a blackberry julep with a baby aspirin chaser.

I switched.

Wait a minute. How do you know that?

-Because-- -Come on, come on.

Because I'm good at my job. Quit busting my hump, lady.

What?

Nothing, honey.

I was just lookin' at your balls.

You're stripes, right?

Here we go.

Here's all the stuff from inside the car, and here's your...

$350.

Did you find a good home for him?

Yeah, honey, I did. I sold him to a family with a farm.

There's lots of room for him to roam and...

lots of other cars for him to play with.

Oh, poor Uncle Jerry.

You work hard, you live a good life,

and this is all it comes down to.

You will not believe the day I've had! Something must be done.

Look, it's Notorious F.A.G.

I just stood in the freezing cold for 40 minutes, trying to get a cab.

I finally had to walk halfway across town.

Why couldn't you get a cab?

Why do you think?

Because I'm black.

Maybe you should go down to Boy Bar and try and get a little affirmative action.

You guys better climb out of your ivory tower and smell the coffee...

because it's here, it's hot, and it's black!

That was kind worth it.

Oh, my gosh.

Where...

-Where did this come from? -That was in the tape deck.

It says, "For Grace."

How could I have never found this?

-[Uncle Jerry] Hello, Minnie. -Oh, my God!

That's what he called me, Minnie. Hi, Uncle Jerry. Hi!

Minnie, you know how much you mean to me.

You're my family, and this Chevy Citation represents...

my deep, deep affection for you...

As long as you have this car, I'll always be with you.

And you sold my Uncle Jerry for $350.

How you must feel!

Actually, I sold it for $400, and kept $50 as a finder's fee.

[laughs]

Not a time to laugh, though.

Well, well, well...

El pollo's come home to roost.

How's Beverley?

-Miss Karen, I was just-- -Don't insult me with your lies.

I know where you were. Scrubbing floors for Beverley Leslie.

I can smell his generic cleaning products all over you.

It's not what you think.

Oh, really?

Is that a new Members Only jacket you're wearing?

So, what if it is? A lady likes nice things.

Oh. I see.

Tell me...

Is he good to you?

He lets me wear jeans to work.

Disgusting!

I don't wanna know all the filthy details.

-What does he feed you? -Subway.

The 12-inch.

Oh, how could you? I was your world.

Are you really gonna throw all that away for a casual 12-inch sub?

[clatter]

You steal from him, too?

Oh, my God.

It's serious.

This isn't a farm! This is Queens.

I don't know what happened. Last time...

I swear, there were cows here.

Look, we'll give back the $350--

$400, Mr. Finder's Fee.

Right, and then that'll be the end of it. Okay?

Here she comes.

You sold my Uncle Jerry to a nun?

I'm Sister Louise. What can I do you for?

Um, I'm Grace Adler.

I think it is so wonderful that you're married to God. Me, I'm still looking.

Anyway, um, ah,

we want to give you your money back.

Great!

-So we can get our car back. -Ohh.

It's a family thing. I'm sure you understand.

My family sent me to a convent when I was three.

Actually, they told me I was going to the zoo.

I was all excited. They got me dressed up, gave me a lollipop, I ended up here.

All I wanted to do was see the penguins.

Ironic, isn't it?

What's sex with a man like?

-It's good, actually... -I've loved it...

-If you find the right guy... -Ever since the first time...

-It's nothing really... -It's no big deal...

-You just lie there. -You're not really missing anything.

Maybe we should get back to the car.

Uh, I've got your money here

and I'm gonna throw in an extra $50 for your trouble.

No, thanks. No, I need the car to deliver my cheesecakes.

Little business I've got going on the side.

Shh.

Well, can't you get another car?

I need this car. It's my Uncle Jerry's car.

I might have an Uncle Jerry, who knows?

I was sent to a convent when I was three.

I thought I was going to the zoo. Have I told you the story?

Yeah, you have.

Well, then the answer to the car question... No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm talking about my Uncle Jerry here.

Talk to the beads.

What? I can't believe that you're...

Listen, listen. I'm really sorry about the whole zoo thing

but nobody messes with my family.

What do you need with a car anyway? Can't you fly?

Well, let's see. The Bible does...

teach the value of charity and helping your fellow man.

-Yes. It does. -But God's no fool.

I want $3,000 in traveler's checks.

What? Are you kidding? You paid $400.

Look, you two work it out, I gotta go.

"What a Friend We Have in Cheesecake" doesn't run itself.

-Will! -What? No! No, I'm not...

spending $3,000 on this piece of junk.

-Just let it go! -Okay, fine.

but I hope that you never have to feel what I'm feeling right now.

-Me, too. -And when you do, I hope it hurts.

Let me just say goodbye.

Bye, Uncle Jerry.

I'm sorry.

I'll never forget you.

[kisses car]

Ew, bird poop.

You came between one of the most sacred relationships there is...

a woman and her housekeeper.

Oh, what can I say?

She just prefers being around masculine energy.

Let's leave your wife out of this.

I want you to stay away from Rosario!

What Rosario does on her own time is Rosario's business!

You do not own her, my dear. She's a person!

I know damn well what she is.

You don't have to tell me my own maid is a person.

Of course she's a person!

-I'll play you for her. -All right, you're on.

Damn it!

I'm really going to enjoy having Rosario around the villa.

She even alphabetized my imposter fragrances.

-Special lady. -Yeah.

-She sure is special. -Eight ball.

Side pocket.

I would have made that shot!

Yeah? Tell it to the Marines if you already haven't. Ha!

I'm up!

Eight ball.

Side pocket.

Achoo!

Oh! Oh!

Oops. You scratched, I won. Rosario's mine.

The hell she is! Now back off, you Keebler elf.

Don't you...

take that tone with me, Mister!

Hey, I'm not afraid to hit you, you little cup-size Capote.

-Well, bring it on, big cheater! -Maid stealer!

[martial arts cries]

-Ah! -[laughs]

[screams] Get off of me, Tattoo!

-Agh! -Get off of me!

-[laughs] -You bitch!

Ah! You bitch!

Ow!

I won fair and square! Rosario's mine!

Stop it! Stop it.

You won me in a game of pool?

-It was her idea-- -What am I, your prize bull?

It was her idea, Rosario. I called you a person.

Shut up, Lucky Charms!

-Don't you listen to him. -I'm not listening to anyone.

I don't want to see either one of you again.

-Hey. -Hey.

-What ya doing? -Cleaning house.

You know, this whole car thing made me realize I hold onto stuff way longer that I need to.

What? Your Nancy Drew, Girl Detective membership card?

Aren't you going to need that in case...

something mysterious happens out at Old Man Winsley's place?

Ah, the creepy caretaker did it.

Oh.

Anyway, I don't need it.

Just like I don't need this "Remember Me Always" bracelet I got from...

what's-her-name.

Or this piece of the Berlin Wall

I got as a gift with purchase at the Lancôme counter at Bloomingdale's.

How about these clown shoes?

Those are my ballet slippers from fourth grade.

Oh.

I went from a four to an eight in a month.

Anyway, you were right, I just have to let all this stuff go.

-Want to put those in there? -What's that?

The keys to your Uncle Jerry's car.

Oh, my God! I can't... Wait...

-What made you change your mind? -I don't know.

I guess I just thought about you...

kissing that bird poop and...

It just made me feel a little...

sick at first.

Then sad.

and then sick again when I realized

that we'd shared a spoon at the yogurt shop later that day.

Wow. I don't know what to say. I just...

Wait a minute. You paid... You paid $3,000 for that junky car?

Well, not exactly, but with a little creative thinking

I was able to come up with a solution

that's going to work for everybody.

Come on. Let's move it!

Got a trunk full of cheesecakes to deliver,

and they're probably starting to sweat.

Hurry up! You promised to get me to the zoo by 4:00.

-That's right. -♪ We're going to the zoo

♪ We're going to the... ♪ Who's going to the zoo?

♪ I'm going to the zoo

♪ I'm going...

It's a big day for me. I'm not wearing a bra.

Hey, Kare.

Hey, poodle.

Who's your daddy?

You are.

Well, I'm devastated.

I talked to mother last night, and it turns out...

I'm not black.

Honey, I won't believe it. I mean, look at you.

Shh.

I know. It's true.

I'm not black.

I'm a Black.

She got knocked up by one of the Black boys, an Irish-Catholic family from her hometown.

Well, at least you're one step closer to finding your real dad.

Don't try to console me.

Once you've been black...

you can never go back.

Well, hmm.

If it makes you feel any better...

-I'm devastated, too. -Hmm, it does.

[chuckles]

I mean-- Oh, why?

My Rosie is gone.

And she's never coming back!

Oh, no! You loved her.

Didn't you?

Oh, I don't know. It's more...

I've grown accustomed to her face.

She almost makes the day begin.

I've grown accustomed to the tune she...

whistles night and noon.

Her smiles... her frowns.

Her ups, her downs.

[sniffing]

Is cook making noodle pudding?

[sighs]

[Rosario] Miss Karen...

Rosie.

-Are you back? -I'm back.

Where the hell are my slippers?

Have you looked up your ass, you drunken fool?