Original subtitles

Look at this. "Suzanne Stillwell, 21, to wed David Mills, 46."

Now, why would a guy his age want to marry a 21-year-old child?

'Cause at that age, they're still tender like veal.

What are you looking at?

Just checking out some of these open houses.

Listen to this. "A 1970's pre-war apartment."

What war are they talking about? "The Battle of the Network Stars"?

Oh, my God. I know this apartment.

You'll never guess whose it is. You're gonna die.

We're all gonna die, Grace. The important thing is what you do while you're here.

Right.

Okay. I'm gonna give you a hint.

You love her music, you've seen her cabaret 100 times--

Jack?

Sandra Bernhard.

Oh, my God. I love her music. I've seen her cabaret, like, 100 times.

-We are so going to see this house. -I know. Definitely.

I'm excited. I might even wear a jazzy hair clip.

I might even wear a jazzy hair clip.

Okay. So, we'll give the realtor our usual story

that we're wealthy dot-commers who don't have kids.

Fine, but only this time, don't tell them it's 'cause I'm barren.

Fine, long as you don't tell them it's because I have an undescended testicle.

Deal.

[bell dings]

Toot toot! Heyyy!

[clown car horn sounds]

Guess what I just got off of eBay?

I don't know what you got,

but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. You are so blah!

I got this scooter, which happens to be autographed by Ricky Martin.

The openly Latino pop singing sensation?

But the best part is,

I outbid my arch-rival, Dr. Dangerous, to get it.

Dr. Dangerous?

Do Mr. Thumb and Shrinkface know about this?

Dr. Dangerous is his online screen name,

and he and I always bid against the same things online, and he always wins.

But that's about to change.

Do you know why?

Because we don't care?

No. Because I have this special online beeper.

It lets me know immediately when someone outbids me.

That's how I got this Ricky Martin scooter,

and let me tell you something--

Let me guess. It bangs, it bangs.

[theme music playing]

Look at this. Sandra Bernhard is friends with the Dalai Lama.

I bet she doesn't make a big deal out of it, either,

you know, like Richard Gere or...

or the Tibetan people.

-Okay. Smile. -What are you doing?

Here. Squeeze in next to that picture of Sandra.

I want to get a picture of the two of you.

No, no! You're being ridiculous.

I hate when you-- Cheese!

Let me see. Let me see.

She seems comfortable around me.

Okay. Now me.

Okay. I'm blushing at what I assume is sexual tension between us.

-How are you guys doing? -Oh, good. Fine.

-We didn't touch anything. -Okay.

I'm going to be a couple more minutes with these folks.

Check out the second bedroom.

It's perfect if you plan to have kids.

Oh, we can't. She's barren.

He has an undescended testicle.

You want to check out the bedroom?

You kidding? When her medicine cabinet's calling my name?

Grace, don't.

What are you-- That is her personal stuff.

Oh, mm-mm-mm.

Okay. Girlfriend loves her Claritin.

Okay. I'm taking four.

Look at this.

I-I-I'll bet Courtney Love has probably peed in this very toilet.

Or, at the very least, around it.

Lift.

♪ Like a circle in a spiral

♪ Like a wheel

♪ Within a wheel

♪ Never ending or beginning

-Hey. -Hi.

-Hello there. -Don't mind me. I'm not here.

Well, if you were here, I'd probably introduce myself. I'm Will. This is Grace.

-Hi. How you doing? -Fine.

So, hey, you know the Dalai Lama?

Oh, he's amazing. He's gorgeous.

His body is his temple,

and his temple smells like old man stew.

Oh, Sandra, the Giombos are back. Third time.

I think they're serious.

Cool...

but I'd much rather sell the place to the

happening gay guy and the vivacious redhead.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God. It's like she knows me.

She said I was vivacious.

She doesn't know you that well. She thinks you're an actual redhead.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Not ovals.

I want them pointy, like claws.

[bell rings]

-Hey, poodle. Love your scooter. -Thanks, love your hooters.

We have a very serious problem.

Serious enough to bother me while I'm working?

It's time to take a break, Rummy Dearest.

Yeah. Why don't you take a break?

Connie here brought her belt-sander.

Maybe she can do your hooves.

Karen, we just got back from your stepkid's parent-teacher conference,

and I've got some bad news.

It looks like Mason made the swim team.

Damn it.

He's gonna have swim meets twice a week, and I can't be there.

What? Well, what about you, Mary?

Why can't you raise my stepkids?

Well, let me s--

Because they're your stepkids!

I need to be focused on my online bidding war with

Dr. Dangerous for Britney Spears' platform sneakers.

God. What the hell are we gonna do?

Well, in my country, we have this thing where

the parents are involved in their kids' lives.

Well, in your country, they hunt in packs and bury their food.

What the hell has that got to do with me?

Good-bye. Thanks for nothing.

Wouldn't you know it? Another couple of looky-losers,

checking out the celeb in her natural habitat. I hate that.

-So sad. -So sad.

I mean, I understand their fascination.

I am an international superstar,

and now I have to smudge the whole place to get rid of their bad chi.

[chanting]

Your apartment is fantastic,

and I say that as a decorator who was recently profiled

in the Jewish Daily Forward.

I love that paper.

It's genius.

Do you know that I was last year's cover Jewess?

[gasps]

Me in a bikini on Fyvush Finkel's lap.

Hot.

The place is great, you know, and it's so hard to find anything decent under 2 million.

You know, you should see it at night. It's all about the view.

Oh, I'd love to see it at night.

Well, you know, I'm-I'm busy tonight,

but if you guys wanted to come by tomorrow,

I'm having a little get-together.

You know, very cash, very Dewar's-on-the-rocks,

so if you want to stop by.

-That would be lovely. -Okay.

-We'd like that. -Fantastic.

Um, do you need us to bring anything?

Um, Maybe a couple of rotisserie chickens and some dip.

-I'm just kidding. -Oh!

Good lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool.

Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

Well, well, well.

Nice of you to show. The race ended a half hour ago.

-Mason paged me 'cause you weren't here. -Mrs. Walker?

Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg, Taylor and Hayden's mom.

I have no idea what you just said.

I just want you to know I think you're awful.

Your son Mason swam his heart out today, and all he wanted to do was

share that joy with his family,

but when he looked up in the bleachers for a familiar face,

nothing.

Not even a housekeeper.

I find that appalling.

Oh, yeah? Well, I find stretch pants appalling,

but I'm too much of a lady to mention it, fat ass.

Could you believe that? Some people, so tactless.

-Yes, I can. -What?

Mason was crushed that you weren't here today.

What are you talking about? He couldn't care less.

Really? Then how come after the meet,

while I was coming up with excuses why you weren't here,

Mason looked at me and said, "I know why she's not here.

She doesn't like me."

What?

Honey, did he really say that?

Yes, he did.

[beeper beeps]

Dr. Dangerous just put in a higher bid.

He thinks he's gonna get Britney's platform sneaks.

Yeah. Over my drop-dead gorgeous body!

[laughing] Okay, so I'm just gonna say it.

Life is so much better when you're hanging out with a celebrity.

Did you notice how many times Sandra Bernhard came over to talk to me?

Did you notice that you only refer to her as Sandra Bernhard?

Yeah. I know. It's a thing between me and Sandra Bernhard.

So, you two looked pretty chummy out on the balcony. What were you talking about?

Things you talk to your friends about.

Pooping?

My other friend.

[answering machine beeps]

Hey, kids. It's Sandra.

That's Sandra Bernhard to you, Will.

Guess what?

Doodle-lee-dee. I'm accepting your offer. Congratulations, kids.

You just bought yourselves an apartment.

You made an offer on her apartment?

I jus-- I didn't want it to be over, you know?

I wanted to stay friends with her, so I made a ridiculous lowball offer.

-How low? -A million dollars,

-but I never thought she'd accept it. -Well, she did,

and now we're in escrow for a million dollar apartment.

Now, what do you have to say to that, Mr. Lowball?

Oh. Oh. Oh. First I have an undescended testicle,

and now I'm Mr. Lowball! Make up your mind!

Okay. Okay. You didn't sign anything, right?

I may have.

You didn't put my name on it, right?

-May have. -Agh! [gasps]

Will! I have $100 in my bank account,

and $75 of that is earmarked for a Belgian wax tomorrow!

-What's a Belgian wax? -Just a plain old wax,

but it hurts so much, I treat myself to a waffle afterwards.

-Okay. You are gonna tell her tomorrow. -Oh, no, no, no. No.

Tomorrow's the Kabbalah brunch.

She's making kugel.

Have you been eating my makeup?

Will, this lie is so big, it involves paperwork and a notary.

We get to be friends with a celebrity!

What?

Will, you are no longer Billy Truman, the chubby, shiny kid on the playground

that none of the cool kids want to play with.

Hey. Hey. I was not chubby, Okay?

Tuffskins are just very boxy.

You do not need to buy an apartment to get someone to like you.

I think I do.

[Sandra Bernhard] ♪ Aaaaah

Thank you. Applause, applause.

Some queens throw me some tacky roses,

and then we segue seamlessly into "Midnight Train."

-[knock on door] -Come in.

-Hi, kids. -Hi, Sandra Bernhard.

Sandra, Will has something really important to tell you.

That's right. I do.

Do you want to just hang out for a minute?

'Cause I'm just wrapping things up with Mitchie,

and I'm paying him by the hour, you know?

Um, honey, why don't we take it from the top?

♪ L.A. grew too much for the man ♪

♪ Too much for the man

♪ He couldn't take it, so he's leaving the life ♪

♪ He's come to know

♪ He said he's leaving--

Leaving...

♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

♪ Leaving on the midnight train ♪

That's right, y'all. Uh-huh.

♪ Said he's going back to find--♪

♪ Going back to find

♪ A simpler place and time

♪ Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by her side? ♪

-♪ I'll be with him- -♪ I know you will

♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

♪ Leaving on the midnight train, oh ♪

Whoo-hoo!

-♪ I'd rather live in his world ♪ -♪ Live in his world

♪ Than live without him in mine ♪

♪ My world is his

♪ His and hers alone

♪ All aboard, all aboard

♪ All aboard the midnight train ♪

♪ I've got to go!

♪ I've got to go! I've got to go!

♪ I've got to go...

Honey, you're really good.

You know what? I want you to come by the Bottom Line tonight.

I'm gonna drag you up on stage with me.

No. No way! No I couldn't do that.

What time do you want me there?

7:00 will be good.

[exclaiming]

Now, you guys had something really important you wanted to talk to me about?

Yeah, uh...

We really can't--

Live without this marble phallus, so I hope it comes with it.

Excuse me. Pardon me. You're looking good. I'm looking better.

Karen, you're here.

Of course I'm here. Mason's swimming.

Don't make a whole gay parade out of it.

Well, I'm glad you're here. The auction's about to end,

and you get to see me squash Dr. Dangerous like a wormy apple.

[beeping]

What? Damn it.

[beeping]

What? Damn it!

Dr. Dangerous?

Hotsy-totsy?

We're taking this outside.

[screams] Go! Go, honey! Swim! Swim! I know you can do it!

Hey. Hey. If you win tonight, I'll let you watch the Spice Channel.

That lit a fire under the horny little monkey, didn't it?

Whoo! Come on, honey! You can do it! Swim!

-[ whistle blows ] -What? What? What happened? What happened?

-Well, the boy on the end won. -What? Well, what happened to my Mason?

Well, he started off strong, but he faded.

Yeah? Well, the bloom's off your rose, too, honey.

Mason, honey, I'm coming. Mommy's coming. It's just gonna take me a minute.

I got my $700 custom-made shoes on.

Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to be holding a cup full of liquor

at your child's swim meet?

Well, honey, when you're right, you're right.

It's not full anymore, is it, honey? Ha ha ha!

Mason! Mason!

Oh. Oh, honey.

I was here the whole time. I saw the whole thing, and you did great.

Um, listen.

I'm, uh, I'm not very good at this kind of thing--

Sit down. Sit down.

But I am so very proud of you.

I probably don't tell you often enough, but I do care about you.

As a matter of fact, you're the best little boy any mom could have,

and if you think that I don't like you, you're wrong.

I love you.

Come on. Give me a little hug.

Oh, there you go. That's a good boy.

Yeah?! I don't want those stupid sneakers anyway!

Honey, what happened to you?

This online auction thing can get pretty ugly.

What's going on?

Well, you didn't think I'd miss a chance to give my little tadpole

the love and encouragement he deserves. Hell, no.

Right, honey? Hmm?

Oh, that's beautiful. Who's that?

Honey, it's Mason! Geez!

No, it's not.

That's Mason.

What?

Well, how the hell am I supposed to know what they look like wet?

This was silk!

Mason, talk to that kid. He's got some lovely words for you. Okay. Good night.

Oh, I feel like I should call people and let them know I'm performing.

I feel that you should call people to let them know you're crazy.

We came here to tell her we're not taking the apartment.

It was your idea. You forced me to come here to do this.

Um, that was before I was singing.

Grace.

Okay.

-Mitchie? -What?

Honey, I'm in a festive mood. Why don't you

throw together a batch of your world-famous smoothies?

-Coming up. -Okay.

Kids, can I just talk to you for a minute? I mean,

I don't want to get all sentimental on your asses, but, you know,

I just want to thank you for keeping it real with me.

I just feel such an amazing spiritual connection with you.

Sandra Bernhard, I know you're gonna understand this. Uh...

-Ha! We're not gonna take the apartment. -We got a little carried away.

Actually, we weren't even looking.

Yeah. I mean, we just wanted to be friends with you,

and now we are, so, great. Let's just--I'll go meet you at the show.

You what?

You mother--

[blender grinding]

Who the... do you think you're dealing with?

Wasting my time like this.

I'm a... damn movie star.

Look, I know this looks bad,

but we have a spiritual connection. I mean, remember?

You even said it yourself.

Spiritual connection? ...the spiritual connection.

I don't even know you two.

You think I would hang out with you Dharma and Greg-looking mother--

if I didn't have to unload this piece of... apartment?

I just got back from Morocco with Julianne Moore and Deepak...

[blender grinds] Chopra.

Okay, I'm sorry. I only did this--

Oh, honey! Lady, look, save it!

I know why you did it. 'Cause you were the pimply, skinny kid on the playground

that no other kids would play with.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That is not true! He was fat and shiny,

and he had plenty of friends-- a janitor and a girl with a small leg.

So, why don't you think twice before you start throwing...

-[blender grinds] -names around?

Now, am I gonna sing at the Bottom Line tonight or not?

Because I should be [whispers] saving my voice.

Sweetie, if I wanted your sound in the show, I'd strangle a couple of cats.

That was totally humiliating.

Chasing celebrities around? Who are we?

-We're shallow. That's who we are. -Never again.

Hi. I'm from Duffy Realty.

Are you here to see Uma and Ethan's place?

[Both] Yes. Yes, we are.