Original subtitles

[knock on door]

[knock on door]

Hang on.

Hang on.

Will, when you came out of the closet,

you weren't supposed to take all your clothes with you.

[forced chuckle]

Help me!

What, are you dressed for open heart surgery?

Admit it. If you were straight, you'd be all over me.

Grace, if I was straight,

you'd be getting the dry cleaning.

So your uh, total comes to 41 bucks.

-Oh, thanks. I'll get you next time. -You said that last time.

But I didn't mean it last time. I mean it this time.

Funny, I believed you last time,

and I don't believe you this time.

Oh. Okay, we're supposed to meet Joe and Larry

in 15 minutes. We should boogie.

-Don't dance. -Don't say boogie.

Can you believe it?

They're getting married in four days.

-I love weddings. -It's not strictly a wedding.

It's a same-sex civil union,

which affords many of the same rights as a marriage.

Right. Where are they going on their honeymoon?

Well, it's not strictly a honeymoon.

It's a same-sex vacation

with a lot of the same events as a honeymoon.

Hey, friends, lovers, mothers, and other strangers.

You're never gonna believe what happened to me.

Oh, my God, did you see that?

I almost did a half-nelson. I almost bruised my delicate,

my delicates, my domo arigatos,Mr. Tomahtos.

Huge news!

I have met... are you ready for this... Mr. Right.

Well, Mr. Right now, anyway.

Ba-dump-bump. Good night, folks.

I'm here all week. Jack 2000!

He works over at the Jumpin' Java,

you know that coffee shop on 72nd,

and his name his Paul, and he is cute with a capital Q!

And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets,

and the hotter he gets, the sweatier he gets,

and the sweatier he gets-- I forgot where I'm goin' with this,

but the point is,

me likey he, and he likey me, and the best part is shazam!

He gives me free iced coffee every time I go in,

which is every hour on the hour, thank you very much,

and occasionally on the half hour. Ba-da-da-da-da-da!

[theme music playing]

So I know we've shown you a thousand pictures,

of our baby, but how cute is Hannah

with a pacifier in her mouth?

Oh, wow.

I actually took a similar photo of Jack.

But the photo place wouldn't develop it.

Will, switch with me.

We got the same dessert.

I know, but it's our thing. We always switch halfway through.

But you're all the way through.

Just switch.

You guys are so cute together.

[chuckles]

Are we?

[laughs] Yeah. Very.

He's freaking out a little.

In four days, he's not allowed to look at another man.

Listen, we wanted to ask you guys

if you'd consider doing a reading together at our ceremony.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I got the perfect thing.

We did this bit at my parents' 40th anniversary

with puppets and a boom box.

See, they were puppets who rapped.

It killed. You remember, it killed.

But a reading's good.

Well, we want to include everyone,

and all our closest friends and family are doing one.

-Even your bitter sister. -Larry.

Well, of course we'll do it.

We'd love to.

Yo, yo, yo, this anniversary's phat.

Remember?

I tell you, it... it...

Well, whatever you want. Do whatever you want.

Uh-uh. Our treat.

-Grace. -No, come on.

Come on, let us do this.

Really. I mean, this is a special occasion.

If we can't take our dear friends

out for dinner-- Really, it would mean so much to us.

Thank you, guys.

Our pleasure. Put it on your Visa.

My Visa?

Yeah, we can use the miles.

Oh, and I'm taking some cash for the coats.

I didn't get to the ATM.

Oh, and leave a big tip. He was really sweet.

He was the only guy at this table who looked at my chest.

Hey, Jackie Brown.

Why isn't there any coffee?

The same reason you don't have a wife and three kids.

It's the way God wants it.

Damn it, this is an office, there should be coffee!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why don't you save your anger for the bedroom

where it belongs?

Why don't you go see your little coffee cutie, huh?

Your latte lover.

Mr. Jock Full O' Nuts.

He quit, all right?

What is this, the freakin' Inquisition?

Can't a guy have a nice, hot cup of coffee when he wants,

or do we all live in Tea Land where it's a capital crime

to even say the word coffee?

Okay, jitterbug, get a hold of yourself.

Don't tell me to get a hold of myself.

Fine.

Okay, you may wanna take a look in the mirror,

'cause you've got a little crazy on your face.

Okay?

Karen, what's happening to me?

I'm no expert,

but I think you have a little addiction problem.

No tears on the damask.

Addiction?

No, no, I don't have an addiction.

Thank you very much.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, it's over.

Now listen to me.

The first thing you have to do is admit that you have a problem.

'Cause if you can't even recognize the signs,

then you are really in sorry shape.

Ah! Mmm. Why you so good to me?

Karen, I can't do it.

I'm hooked on the junk.

Well, honey, if it'll help you,

I'll do it with you, okay?

I'll kick coffee, too. Yeah.

It won't be easy, but every morning,

when I wake up, I'll just have to get used

to drinking my Bailey's straight.

It'll still be the best part of waking up.

Okay, Karen.

Together, we can do this.

-Let me just have one last cup. -No.

-Half a cup. -No.

-How about you drink a cup, and I'll lick your tongue? -Tempting, but no.

Come here. Right there.

Oh, Karen,

when will the lambs stop screaming?

Hey!

Oh, is this our gift for Joe and Larry?

-It's agift, yes. -What is it?

It's a crystal decanter.

But I couldn't find any paper,

so I wrapped it in a kayak.

It's a kayak.

That is so perfect!

Okay, where's the card? I'll sign it.

I already signed the card.

Oh, you didn't sign for me, did you?

Your handwriting has a serial-killer slant.

I didn't sign your name at all, Grace,

because it's from me.

I don't get it.

I'm tired of being the one who pays.

What?

You always assume I'm gonna take care of everything,

and then you take all the credit.

Not to mention the advantage miles.

Blowing 20,000 points on a first class to Schenectady?

What is that anyway?

You sit on the pilot's lap?

Gee, sorry.

I thought you liked paying.

Oh, that's right.

I do like paying.

Yeah, that's why I do the can-can

every time I read the gas bill.

Okay. You've made your point.

How much was the kayak? I'll write you a check for half.

-$400. -Can I write you a check for a third?

See, this is what I'm talking about.

And it's not just the kayak.

It's the dinners and the dry cleaning,

and on more than one occasion, your bikini wax.

Fun time explaining that one to my accountant.

I cannot believe you are springing this on me an hour before we have to go.

How am I supposed to find a gift?

It's your own fault for assuming that I would take care of everything.

By the way, you only have five minutes.

Fine. You know what, I'm resourceful.

-I'll make a gift. -You'll what?

Yes, that's right.

You've left me absolutely no time,

but I once threw together a dinner party for eight

with nothing in the fridge but mustard and a roll of film.

Yeah, and all we have to remember that evening

is double prints and eight angry people

getting sick eating mustard soup.

Never mind.

I'll take care of my own gift,

and it will be totally separate from yours.

In fact, why stop at the gift? Why don't we make

-everything separate? -Why not?

That pint of mocha almond fudge,

you still have it?

The what?

Hello, dark roast, my old friend.

Drop that spoon, Billie Holiday!

I've kept you caffeine free for two hours.

You're not folding now.

Get away from me,

you lamé and ermine-wearing monster!

I'll drop it, I swear.

No, you won't. You don't have the guts.

You know me too well.

Out of my way! I got a monkey on my back named Juan Valdez!

Don't worry, kids. On the ride up to Vermont,

I'll have him in a dog carrier with a chew toy.

By the way, what's going on here?

-I'm sensing a mood. -Oh, he thinks I'm taking advantage--

Yeah, save it, honey. We'll crack it open later when we're desperate.

It's so cold.

So very, very cold.

It is kinda nippy in here.

Hey, Pops, why don't you crank up the heat?

The girls are in full salute back here.

It's up as high as it will go.

God, if it was any hotter, my calves will be brisket.

Jack never has a second cup at home.

Somebody, fill me to the rim with Brim.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

How much for one, sir?

Oh, Grace, take it.

No, no, we agreed to split everything,

so that's what we're gonna do.

-These are your mints, so tell me-- -Fine. $100.

Okay.

-[thumping sound] -Hey, careful!

You almost broke my present for Joe and Larry.

Where did you get that anyway, the Blair Witch gift shop?

It's an imprint of my hand in cement,

surrounded by a nest of twigs.

I made it when I was 12 at Camp Ramah.

It's real, it's unique,

and it's from the heart.

Oh, can I see that, honey?

Mm-hm.

-Mmm, thanks. -Karen!

[laughs]

No!

What, you think my gift is funny?

I think it's funny you call it a gift.

We're here at New York's finest restaurant,

and we've replaced Jack's coffee with nothing!

Oh, look at that.

Two miles to the next toll.

That means I owe you one dollar and 62 cents.

Okay. Well, look, well, hey, if we're gonna do that,

let's go all the way.

Uh, I got a full tank of gas, you used three of my Kleenexes,

and two applications of my Carmex.

That means you owe me roughly $22.57.

Do you take a check, or should I pay you in pettiness,

Mr. Petty. Tom Petty.

Petticoat Petty. Peppermint Petty.

Bite me.

Oh, just climb on top of each other,

and get it over with already!

Honey, look, what is that?

Oh, it's a beaver. Sweet.

Didn't think we'd be seeing any of those at a gay wedding.

How you holding up, sweetie?

Pretty good, pretty good. I think the last couple of hours

in the car really got me over the hump.

-Good for you. -Thanks.

Hey, bow tie.

Bring me a cup of vodka.

And none of that tax-free swill. I want the good stuff.

Uh, ma'am, there is no alcohol.

-Sure, there is. -Uh, no, there isn't.

This is a dry wedding, at the grooms' request.

But there is a full coffee bar,

with a variety of coffee drinks

and coffee-flavored treats. Enjoy.

Would you look at this?

What a shame.

A table full of hollow gestures.

I mean, why would Joe and Larry want a $400 place setting

-of Italian dinnerware? -[snickers] Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's genius.

A gag gift. They're gonna totally crack up.

-What did you really get 'em? -A $400 kayak.

Put my name on that card or I'll kick your ass.

No. You have your gift.

I can't give 'em this stupid twig plate.

It smells like mouse poop.

[plate shatters]

Damn it, Will-- Hi!

How are you? You look so good. We're so happy for you!

How's the blushing bride?

Oh, pretty good, you know, considering we don't know

which one of us is the bride.

Hey, everyone, how are you?

Hi. Hey, did you give them the thing?

It s right here uh--

Because we have to be out of here by 11:00 on the dot,

and it's getting late, and if we don't start soon--

Larry, baby, just breathe.

It's our day.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I'm telling you, if I didn't have this one.

Do you still wanna marry me?

Over and over and over.

He's definitely the bride.

Um, here's the reading.

It's pretty self-explanatory,

but you might wanna go over it before we start,

which is now.

Okay, that's what nervous feels like.

Come on, Grace, we better get us...

-Grace! -Come on, what's the big deal?

Well, for one thing, I don't think

that Joel and Shirley Goodman are gonna be so keen

on having your name on their card.

Second of all, I said no.

Why are you being such a freak about this?

-I already told you. -And I told you that I would pay.

-Tough. -Why?

-Because. -Why?

Because I don't want a wife!

What are you talking about?

Wife?

And don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you!

Honey, we gotta bust outta here.

Maybe I can get Stan to land the heli

by the gazebo and airlift us to the Dewar's plant.

Karen, we have to at least stay for the ceremony.

The hell we do. I'm gonna kill Rosario.

The one morning she forgets to strap on my boot flask.

Would you take it easy?

Don't tell me to take it easy.

I'm looking at a room full of outlet clothing and Fantastic Sam's haircuts!

[gasps] I can't breathe, I tell ya, I can't breathe.

Would you get a hold of yourself?

Ugh.

Would either of you care for a cup of coffee?

-Yes! -No!

I'm your wife?

That is possibly the most vicious thing

you have ever said to me.

And I'm including the time I got a root perm,

and you called me "pubic head".

Get a grip on yourself!

You get a grip on yourself!

Whooh! Hah!

Ugh!

Look, the only way we're gonna get through this

is if we support each other, all right?

Maybe you're right. I guess we can get our mind off of things

-by touching each other inappropriately. -Good idea.

You may as well be my wife.

What?

Marcus Welby's my wife?

No.

You might as well be my wife, deaf-o.

I can't hear anything over that verkakteharp.

What a wonderful day, and what a wonderful couple.

It's always Will and Grace.

Will and Grace buy the present,

Will and Grace do the speech.

We cordially invite Will and Grace.

Why don't they ever say "Will and guest"?

Who did you want to bring?

I don't know.

One of the Gap dancers, Aquaman. Anyone.

Well, who's stopping you?

You are. Because you're so content

to play Mrs. Will Truman.

I want a husband.

I want someone who loves me, and a family.

I want this, not this.

I do not know where you got the idea

that I am your wife, but let me tell you something.

If that's true, we've got big marital problems,

'cause Mrs. Truman's getting a lot of action on the side.

And now, I'd like to call upon your friends here

who have some words they'd like to share with you.

Jack?

Hi. I'm Jack, and I'm addicted to full-flavored iced coffee drinks.

Whew! It does feel better to get it out.

No, Zippy, read your thing.

Joe, Larry, I did a little rewriting.

I hope you don't mind.

[clears throat] Joe, Larry, what's love...

s-got to do,

s-got to do with it?

What's love--

Thank you.

And now we'll hear from Joe's sister, Jane.

I'm so happy for my brother.

Everyone thought I'd be the first to find a man.

But no, that didn't happen.

But he has found true...

[cries]

Just give me a second.

I don't need to explain this to you.

I just know this is not working.

Okay, got it. You made yourself passive-aggressively clear.

Call the lawyers, we're getting a divorce.

-Which I'm sure I'll pay for. -Let it go!

Guys.

Oh.

[clears throat]

"When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me..."

"And I have no love to give..."

"When I'm feeling separated from the world..."

"And cut off from myself..."

"When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing..."

"Because I'm not getting what I want,

I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love

available to me."

"And I'll see it in you."

"I'll remember that I'm complete within myself..."

"So I'll never have to look to you to complete me."

[both] "And most of all,

I'll remember that everything I really need I already have,

and whatever I don't have

will come to me when I'm ready to receive it."

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Me, too.

I love you. You know that, right?

Right, right.

Don't you?

-I do. -Hmm.

And you know I love you, right?

I do.

Thanks for coming.

Guys, guys, guys!

Guys! We're not really done here.

Oh, they're beautiful. Thank you, Maggie.

What do you think of the cake?

Are you kidding?

It's got nine layers of chocolate,

and a Snickers bar in the middle.

I may move into it.

Hmm.

So are we...

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, it's just...

Chalk it up to my pre-midlife crisis.

Does that mean another one's on the way,

and is it gonna be worse?

I guess weddings just bring out the worst in me.

I mean, I see them so happy and in love,

and it just makes me bitter.

Is that an awful thing to say?

I wouldn't put it in your toast later.

Ah.

You know that someday,

you are gonna make someone a beautiful bride.

Or husband.

Or brusband. Whatever.

Promise you'll give me away?

Gladly.

"To Joe and Larry, love, Will and Grace."

-Thank you. -I knew you'd love it!

I mean, he's my younger brother.

I should be the one wearing white today.

Or at the very least, deodorant.

Guess what? Rule number one at a wedding;

Find the sad sister, you've found the booze.

I myself am proud to say

that I'm not going to indulge.

You know, I think I finally kicked my coffee habit.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I got hooked on the stuff because of some guy.

Now I know.

I'm not gonna let any man lead me down that dirty road again.

Excuse me. Do you have a light?

Yes, I do.

Thanks. You smoke?

Yes, I do.