Original subtitles

Hey, how was your date last night?

- I don’t wanna talk about it. - That bad?

That good.

Ah ha ha. I don’t get that.

I’m not jinxing it this time.

Every time I have a good first date,

the second one sucks, and there is no third.

So the only logical thing to do

is not talk about it.

Very logical, Mr. Spock. Date well and prosper.

You’re crazy.

Fine. Call me superstitious.

Let’s talk about your date.

And jinx it? No, thank you.

- We can mention their names, right? - Absolutely not.

- Mark. - Paul, but that’s it.

Fine. We give any more details, we’re doomed.

Mm-hmm.

But if you guessed...

But how could I possibly?

- Minty... - Fresh breath?

Ding.

Huge.

- You said first date. - Right.

- Vocabulary. - Ding.

- Broad... - Way?

No, not Broadway, you homo.

- Broad shoulders. - Oh.

Met mine at that party with Jack last week.

Ditto on the shoulders,

and my larynx didn’t shut down from his cologne,

which is all I care about.

So, we didn’t jinx anything, right?

Of course not.

Oh, boy. Okay, gotta hurry.

Got a dermatology appointment.

Gonna get a little Botox?

A little collagen?

No.

Just going for my regular mole patrol.

You think I need that?

[ laughs ]

No.

Morning, biscuits.

No time for host chat. I got a hot date tonight.

[ purrs ]

I told him I was an ombudsman.

I only have 12 hours to figure out

what the hell that is.

Grace, I came by to return your electric toothbrush.

You used my toothbrush?

Relax. I didn’t use it on my teeth.

[ theme music playing ]

[ kids yelling ]

This video game makes a nice birthday gift.

You think your stepson would like that?

I don’t know, honey.

Can he eat it or rub up against it?

Let’s come at this a different way.

What are his interests?

Ham.

Why don’t I just let you browse a while?

Yeah, thanks. Oh, and, uh...

do you think there’s anything you can do

about all these kids in here?

Ma’am, it's a toy store.

Yeah. See what you can do.

Move it, shorty.

Hey, Karen, I can’t help you shop today. I gotta go.

What’s going on? What’s happening?

What’s with the geisha hand?

Nothing. I just had something zapped at the dermatologist,

and it looks kind of funky,

and I just don’t want anyone to see it right now.

Grace, I’m sure it's not nearly as bad as you think it is.

It’s probably nothing. A little dot.

Come on, show Mama.

[ shrieks ]

Sh! Calm down!

How do you expect me to calm down

when I can see its heart beating right in front of me?

All right, all right, I’m sorry.

How long have you had the herpes?

It’s not herpes.

It’s not even herpes adjacent.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it’s close enough to be invited

to the herpes family picnic.

It was a weird freckle.

The doctor wanted to freeze it,

and then he told me it was gonna take ten days to heal.

What made him assume I could look awful for ten days?

Respond to that, and I will rub it all over your Prada.

What are you looking at, preggo?

Haven’t you ever seen herpes before?

Geez.

Fat people are so insensitive.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, would you look at it

in this little toy mirror?

It’s gotten bigger.

It’s like Barbie’s dream zit.

Thank God I canceled my date with Mark.

Yeah, ’cause that thing looks like it needs

orange cones and police tape around it.

Come on, let’s get out of here.

And there’s Mark!

I can’t believe it!

One cheeseburger at Yom Kippur.

You’d think you could let it go already.

He’s looking at baseball gloves.

What do you know, Grace. You bagged a straight one.

Karen, just don’t move. Don’t move.

Grace...

I told you, I only did this once in college,

and it was just so I could borrow her Halston skirt.

Paul?

- Hi. - Will, hi.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

What do you mean, what am I...

Aren’t you here to see...

No, I was here to see...

You forgot your...

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh.

ALL: Oh!

Look, uh, this is kind of awkward,

but, uh, at that party, I asked for both your phone numbers.

I hope that’s not a problem.

It’s not a problem for me.

BOTH: No.

Okay. Will, I’ll see you Monday at the Plaza,

and Jack, I’ll see you Tuesday at Shakey’s.

All you can eat.

Don’t shake your head at me.

I called dibs on him at that party.

Jack, how am I supposed to keep track?

You call dibs on every guy you see.

Last week, you called dibs on Kevin Bacon.

La Bacon and I had a moment.

Some say moment.

Some say security incident.

Anyway, Paul is into me.

Oh, please, he is so much more into me.

We had an eight-hour date,

which I know is hard for you to understand,

seeing as how you have eight dates an hour.

Date, shmate. We have a song.

What song?

You wouldn’t know it.

Sing it.

♪ Be bop de bop bop

♪ I love you

♪ Paul loves me and not you ♪

Catchy little ditty. Who does that song?

The lady who pushes her shopping cart around the airport?

Actually, it’s a new band

called Will Is Fat.

From their new album "Will Is Losing His Hair."

I have it in my...

Jack.

Do you think when you insult me,

you could try to be a little more artful?

Hm? You buck-toothed fairy.

[ screeching ] You know what? I don’t need this from you!

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Let’s not do this.

Okay? I mean, we’re both adults.

You’re the adult.

Look, for the sake of our friendship,

can we both just back off,

and not see Paul again?

But I love him.

You do not.

Maybe I’m just in love with love.

Maybe you’re just an idiot.

Maybe.

Can we agree we’re not gonna see him again?

Oh, all right.

This is not gonna be easy for me, Will.

I mean, Paul is my world,

and I can’t stop thinking about him.

Seen the latest Men’s Health?

Hello, Mrs. McFarland.

Grace?

Grace, where are you?

Is he gone?

Is he gone?

Honey, no. Children have been in there.

You’re in a pit full of pink eye.

This is ridiculous.

What’s the worst that could happen?

He’ll break up with me?

If that’s the kind of superficial guy that he is,

then I don’t wanna be with him anyway, right?

Oh.

Well, I’m gonna go. He’s right over there.

You know, I’m just gonna get the kid

the same thing I got him last year.

A diamond tennis bracelet. It’s pretty, isn't it?

Mark?

Hey.

Hey, Grace.

Uh, I was just picking up a Nerf for my nephew.

And by nephew, I mean me.

I thought you were out of town.

I lied to you.

I’m not taking a dozen underprivileged kids

on a canoe trip.

I canceled because I was afraid to see you,

because I had this freckle frozen, and it looks awful,

and I was afraid that if you saw it,

you wouldn’t like me anymore.

Well, that would make me pretty shallow, wouldn’t it?

Grace, I had a great time with you.

I really like you.

Really? ’Cause I really like you.

Besides, we all have little things on our bodies, right?

Right.

I mean, you probably have, what,

a patch of dry skin somewhere.

A rogue belly hair.

I have six toes.

Beg your pardon?

You’re breaking up with Mark already?

What are you talking about?

A few days ago, you were ga-ga over him.

You know how it is.

Sometimes, you get bowled over by somebody.

Don’t say ga-ga.

And then, you get to know them,

and you realize that maybe you don’t like them so much.

Hey, Wilma.

Grace tell you she’s dating a circus freak?

- What? - Karen.

Yeah, he’s got six toes.

[ humming circus music ]

WILL: Wait. Wait a minute.

Wait, wait.

What, like total? Like three and three?

No. Five on one, half a dozen the other.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Cut it out.

That’s what he should do!

I’m sorry. I can't... I can’t help it.

I’m totally creeped out by it,

the same way that I’m creeped out

by anything that ends in mini teeth or mini hair.

Here comes the tumor thing.

On the Discovery Channel,

they found a tumor in this guy,

and it had mini-teeth and mini-hair,

and when they poked it,

the tumor went "Ow."

It did not say "Ow."

If it had mini lips, it would’ve.

It moved.

That thing had emotions.

It had emotions, Will,

and this... this toe thing is in that same category.

Aren’t you being a little shallow?

I mean, you like this guy.

Look, when you first got that barnacle on your face,

you wanted Mark to accept you, right?

Now, shouldn’t you do the same thing,

now that the shoe’s on the other hideously deformed foot?

I’m serious. You should go out with him again.

He is sweet.

Anyway, it could be worse.

You could be going out with the same guy as Jack.

Paul with the huge... vocabulary?

But it’s over already.

We both decided to back off.

Which is very frustrating,

because he called me, like, ten times.

Then what are you doing?

- Backing off. - Why?

Because I owe it to Jack.

All you owe Jack is the truth.

He’s your friend-- he wants you to be happy.

He’ll totally understand.

[ screeching ] You know what?!

You’re a real piece of work, mister!

I didn’t wanna lie to you.

[ screeching ] Why not?

I would’ve done the same thing to you.

Time and time again...

Jack, please, I know you’re angry,

but I beg of you, take it out of the head voice.

You’re waking up every dog in the neighborhood.

[ normal voice ] How could you betray me like this?

We had a deal, and you stabbed me in the back.

[ gasps ] Judas!

You’re Judas!

This is exactly what he did.

Don’t know that the big problem there

was a gay love triangle.

Don’t change the subject.

I can’t believe you called him

after we agreed to back off.

Actually, Jack, he...

He called me.

- [ screeching ] I can’t believe you! - Jack!

Think of the dogs.

You know what? You’re a real piece of work, mister.

I can only imagine what kind of tricks

you had to pull out of your man-purse

to convince Paul to date you.

What? What? What’d you tell him? You were a lawyer?

I am a lawyer.

Hey, I’m not attracted to you,

so that line’s not gonna work on me.

You so don’t care about my feelings ever.

Jack, he called, he said he’d rather go out with me,

I said yes. I’m sorry.

You know, it doesn’t make any sense, Will.

It’s nonsense.

Why would he settle for

a big bland piece of government cheese

when he could take a bite out of a tasty smoked Gouda

with a trick jaw?

Maybe because I read novels

rather than Tiger Beat.

Maybe because I can finish a sentence

without the use of jazz hands.

Maybe because my frame of reference

extends beyond boy bands and butt-robics.

Or maybe, just perhaps,

because he sees a good, long-term prospect with me,

rather than a good hour and a half with you.

[ silence ]

[ dogs howling ]

So what would you like to drink?

- Well, what have you got? - Everything.

- Surprise me. - My dad’s the pope. Surprised?

GRACE: Okay, I’m charming.

Finally got to use that pope joke.

This is going well.

I’m not so shallow.

Grace, would it be okay if I caught

the last few minutes of the Knicks-Celtics game?

You kidding? I love basketball.

I read all of Dennis Rodman’s books.

What are you doing?

Do you mind if I take off my shoes?

The right one always gets a little tight.

Not at all.

Make yourself comfortable.

And there’s the toe.

There’s now just a thin layer of argyle

between it and me.

Ow, ow! My foot is cramping.

If you have to go home, I understand.

Actually, I was wondering

if you would just rub it.

Rub your tumor?

Sure.

What?! That is not a three-pointer.

His toe was clearly over the line.

One toe over the line, sweet Jesus.

So for the whole flight, this annoying guy

has been like,

"When are we gonna get the muffins, hmm? Where’s my muffin?"

So the stewardess finally brings the muffins,

and the guy is so excited, he starts doing the Snoopy dance.

So he gets up to wash his hands,

and I don’t know what made me do it,

but I stole his muffin.

I thought his... I thought his head was gonna explode.

A muffin!

Great story.

I can’t see you anymore.

Ow, ow, ow! Cramp’s still there.

I’m gonna take my sock off.

Okay, brace yourself. Here it comes.

Just stay calm.

You like this guy, you’re not shallow.

A little thing like this doesn’t matter.

It’s just an extra toe.

[ shrieking ]

Whatcha thinking?

That we need more drinks. Excuse me.

Okay, you did it, you saw it, you lived through it.

Everything’s fine.

Oh, then why do I feel so cold and clammy?

Oh, right, the fridge is still open.

See?

It’s sitting there in your lap, and you’re fine.

You’re not superficial.

You’re not a hypocrite.

Good for you, Grace. Good for you.

Yes! Yes. The Celtics win.

What? You’re a Celtics fan?

- Huge. - Get out.

What?

Look, I can put up with a lot of things from people,

but not that.

What? Grace, are you kidding me?

No, I will not have a six-toed Celtics fan in my house.

A what?

You heard me.

I will not have a Celtics fan in my house.

Please leave.

Oh, Grace, this isn’t about the basketball game.

We know what this is about.

How shallow can you be?

Okay, fine.

I’m shallow.

But if you knew how much I liked you,

you would know how much it is killing me

to throw you out of here

just because you have a toe where no toe should ever be.

How about a little sympathy for me?

Are you kidding me?

You want me to feel sorry for you?

No, I want you to put your sock back on.

Okay, fine.

Oh, and by the way,

here’s your freckle.

I almost tripped over it on my way to the elevator. Good night.

Oh, yay, I can wear lipstick again.

[ knocking on door ]

- Hey. I’ve been calling you for two hours. - Hi.

Why didn’t you pick up?

I know, I know, you’re still mad at me.

Well, you’ll be happy to know

that Paul and I are no longer seeing each other.

Wow.

I mean, the thing is, you know, I’m on this date,

and he’s funny, and he's charming, and I’m miserable,

because I can’t stand that I hurt you.

So, you see, I... I do care about how you feel.

That’s sweet.

Thank you.

You know, I’m sorry we fought, too.

Hey, let’s make a deal never to fight over a guy again.

- Deal. - Okay?

WILL: All right.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, hey, Will,

uh, you know,

I was bad, too.

And, um...

This is really hard for me to say.

I’ll just...

I borrowed your stock pot.

- Who’s out there? - Nobody, Paul.

And I think I broke it.

Is that Paul in there?

- Yeah. - PAUL: Jack?

One sec, sugar. Anyway...

I mean, you’re probably better off without it.

You only used it to make cream-based soups, right?

Good night.

[ screeching ] You know what?!

You’re a piece of crap in there!

You know why this happened, don’t you?

We jinxed it.

You’re right.

We can never again talk about guys we like.

Never.

I saw a cute guy taking out the trash.

There were some hotties at the restaurant.

We’re not talking about it.

No, we’re not.