Original subtitles

- Are you OK? - I’m fine.

Grace, leave her alone. She obviously doesn’t want to talk.

It’s my boyfriend, Tom. I mean, I don’t know what happened.

You know, just when things started to get kinda serious, he starts to pull away.

[both] Aw.

Which is so weird because we have so much in common, like,

we’re both dance majors...

[both] Uh-oh.

This is Karen Walker.

This is Will Truman right here.

And this is your sorry ass future, if you don’t dump that boyfriend of yours.

Oh, a-and you think everybody’s gay.

No, not everybody, just me...

And you and a dog named Boo.

Hey, hey. Heh. I’m not gay.

Well, this well-worn copy

of the "Dreamgirls" soundtrack begs to differ.

- What? - We really, really should wait.

Oh, but why? I mean, what are we doing?

Are we waiting till we’re married?

Yes!

- Let’s get married! - What?

Let’s get married and let's wait till we get married.

[theme music playing]

You asked Grace to marry you?

I panicked. It was either that or have sex with her.

I mean, God! Put yourself in my-- OK.

Will, you know what I think your problem was?

I think you were afraid of loving yourself.

Where the hell did that come from?

Can you see me?

Anyway, the moment I said yes,

he turned two shades of green and ran into the bathroom,

which I found incredibly romantic, because

my father did the exact same thing

after he proposed to my mom.

So I’m in there for, like, 20 minutes.

So I come up with a perfect plan.

Grace, I’ve been-- I’ve been-- Grace?

I’m getting married in the morning

Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime

Pull out the stopper, we’ll have a whopper

And get me to the shul on time.

- Will! - Oh, there he is!

Congratulations!

Welcome to the family, son. I want her knocked up by spring.

- Grace, we, uh, we need to talk. - Congratulations.

- Thank you. - I’ve been engaged twice.

Yeah.

- Grace... - Will, come on, come on.

Meet everybody. Meet the mishpokhe.

This is Aunt Ida, diabetic; Uncle Coppy, gambler.

Aunt Reba and Uncle Joe-- colitis, colitis.

If I could have one moment.

Oh, moment shmoment.

Give your new mother a big kiss right on the lips.

Wh-- yeah. That was uncomfortable.

Now give your new sister a kiss right on the lips.

Here. Hold this.

Oh, no, no, no, no! Stop. Stop. Everybody stop.

- We need champagne. More champagne. - Yes. I’ll go.

Let me get that. In fact... We’ll get that.

Oh! We’ll get that. Heh.

When we get married,

I’m not only gonna take your name, I’m gonna take your family, too.

I can’t believe we're actually gonna do this.

Yeah.

Look, um... I don’t really know how to tell you this,

so I’m just-- I’m just gonna tell you.

Um, you know before when I said I loved you?

I really, really meant that.

I do love you. You’re the best.

I can’t imagine my life without you.

Well, now you never have to worry about that.

Yeah, well, actually, I...

I’m feeling a little lightheaded.

Um, see, there’s this one teensy little complication...

Actually, not so teensy. I--

- I’m gay. - Are you hungry?

- What? - What?

- I’m gay! - Are you hungry?!

- What?! - What?!

- I’m g-- - Are you--

I’m gay.

Grace?

[snorting laughter]

Hey, now. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.

You kill me.

Oh, my God.

Grace, I...

Oh, my God.

- Grace, I can-- - Oh, my God!

Grace...

When did you...?

We’re getting married.

Yeah, you know, I don’t think I can go through with that, either.

I can’t-- I don't even know--

How long have you known this?

I--I think on some level I’ve always known.

You know, I mean, the guy toweling himself off in the Zest commercial

always did a little too much for me.

Oh, great. Great.

- The Zest guy knew before me. - No, no, no, no. Listen.

That’s not what I'm saying. I-- I--

I don’t think I really knew for sure until we were in bed together.

You know? And I took one look at you in your sexy underwear, and I just went...

"Whoa. I am gay."

You know? I mean, do you know what I mean?

- Yeah. Yeah, I think I do. - Yeah?

Just--Just one thing.

Ow! Hey! Hey! What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

You bastard! I’m in love with you, and you’re treating me like some sort of test drive?!

You take me out for a spin, and you go,

"Hmm, I don’t really like the feel of this one.

I think I’d rather have a stick."

But...

Don’t you see what a compliment that is? I mean,

I mean, I love you, so if I can’t make it work with you,

then it’ll never work with any woman,

because you’re perfect for me.

That is not a compliment!

A compliment is "You’re sexy, you turn me on,"

not "One look at you proves I’m a queer."

Look, I understand that you’re upset, but I mean,

this is-- this is a very big step for me, you know?

How about a little support here?

Well, you probably would’ve gotten a lot more support from me

if you hadn’t asked me to marry you first.

OK. In hindsight, not a good move.

Oh. Hindsight?

Is that, like, one of your gay words?

What?

Look, I never meant to hurt you, but...

it’s not like I planned to be gay.

I heard yelling. Is everything OK? What’s going on?

- Nothing. - Will’s gay.

Oh, sweetie, oh.

- Julius, I owe you 20 bucks. - Oh, my God.

What’s going on?

Nothing.

Will’s gay.

Grace, you ruin everything!

Get out.

What?

I want you to get your things, and I want you to leave.

You know, I always knew this would be hard.

I--I guess I just hoped that because it was you,

it wouldn’t be the worst moment of my life.

OK, so she threw you out? Then what happened?

Well, then mother and I went to the DQ

for some Brazier burgers and a Dilly Bar.

High fat?

High fun.

Not you, Dairy Queen. She means us.

Yeah, what happened?

Then, um...

Then we didn’t talk for a year.

Wow.

Good times.

A whole year? You didn’t talk for a year?

What were you doing all that time?

I was instrumental in bringing Cats over from London.

Oh, not the musical. Ethan Katz, a Jewish hottie from Piccadilly.

Oh, it’s not me again?

Grace didn’t really want to deal with me,

and I had a lot of my own stuff to deal with,

you know, like telling everyone in my life who I really was.

So, uh, have you been gay this whole time?

Pretty much.

Were you gay when you put that Coppertone on me in Fort Lauderdale?

Yeah.

Huh.

Rob, I know what you’re thinking, but I don’t want you to worry.

You know, last night when you passed out...

and I made love to you, I was totally straight.

[intense chuckle]

Then of course, I had to tell my mom and dad.

[tires screeching]

And then I had to tell everyone in my life.

How could I not have known?

He was Boy George for Halloween.

He has a diffuser on his blow-dryer.

And he’s prettier than me.

Oh, baby, this must be so hard for you.

It is. I knew you’d understand.

For a guy to do that to you. It’s humiliating.

I would die. I would just die.

You must not feel sexual...

Or pretty.

Then there’s that gnawing question. God, did I turn him gay?

- I mean, am I so gross that-- - OK. OK.

I get that you get it.

- Think you’ll ever talk to Will again? - Oh, no way.

People already think I’m weird ’cause of my haircut.

You add a gay friend to that, I might as well be a drama major.

Man, I was so pissed at you.

Pissed? Honey, you don’t know the meaning of the word.

If you’ll remember, the last time we left the interesting story...

I had 3 different people dying to marry me,

including a 9-time Wimbledon singles champion.

And I left them all behind

to be with the man I love, and then it turns out...

The bastard’s married.

Stan is married. Can you believe that?

I had three different people dying to marry me,

including a 6-time Wimbledon singles champion.

[woman] Oh, shut your trap, barfly.

What?! Who the hell are you?

Listen, Boozo the Clown...

You’re bringing us down. If it was meant to be

with this man, it was meant to be.

Huh? Who asked you to pop your head out of your conch shell?

If I want advice, I’m not gonna ask for it

from a cigarette-slinging, tray-carrying, mint wrangler.

- Listen, lady... - You better watch your mouth...

- If quieter, I’d bang your head - or I’ll make one phone call...

- and crack your head... - put you on the next long boat

- ...like a walnut. - to La Via de Los Tostadas.

- I like you. Why don’t you come work for me? - OK.

And although it was ten years before Stan and I officially hooked up,

Rosario and I have been together ever since.

Yeah...

Damn it! My story sucks, too.

Anyway...

A year goes by, Thanksgiving rolls around again,

and then one night at D’Agostinos...

Should we do sweet potatoes or mashed?

Mashed, and I’m in love with you.

What?

Will, why are we pretending?

We spend every second together.

We call each other a hundred times a night.

I saw the way you were lookin’ at me the other day

when we were at that place shoppin’ for shoes.

Look, Jack.

I owe you everything, you know?

I mean, this past year, coming out.

You’ve been like my sherpa

through the Himalayas of... of him-a-laying.

But I just don’t feel that way about you, you know?

I love you the way you love a cherished family pet.

That you never want to have sex with.

We’re meant to be girlfriends, not boyfriends, you know?

It’s better that way.

Brava. You’ve passed the test.

I was worried your feelings might get in the way

of our friendship, but I’m glad we’ve cleared that up. Heh.

I really had you goin’ there with

the "I’m in love with you thing," didn’t I?

Yeah, you did.

Me, in love with you?

[snickers]

Me, in love with you? Ha!

Craziness.

If you’ll excuse me, I'll be in the frozen foods section.

It thought it’d be nice if we started Thanksgiving

with some Jeno’s eggrolls.

Will...

Grace, hi.

Hi.

How have you been?

Good. Great. I’ve been great. You?

Great. Great, uh,

haven’t seen you in months.

It’s been a year. I moved off campus.

Why’d you do that?

People kept writing

"Grace plus Liberace" on my memo board.

You still mad at me?

I’m not mad at you.

I mean on some level, I knew.

- You did? - Yeah. I mean,

girls know. I knew.

Well, if you knew, why didn’t you tell me?

We could’ve saved ourselves a hell of a lot of--

I didn’t really know. I just swore that

when I ran into you, I would say that.

You know, I left about a dozen messages.

And I wrote you a letter. Did you get the letter?

- Wait a minute. What was that? - What?

That woman that you were hiding from. What was that all about?

Well, the last thing he wanted to do was run into Diane.

Heh. Yeah. So, uh, then we, um...

We made up, and we have been

best friends ever since, right, sweetie?

- Right. - Well, you’re all boring and I’m fun.

I better get back to the kids. Smell you later.

Who’s Diane?

You know, the girl Will slept with after you two broke up.

What?

You know, the kids will be fine.

I cracked a window in the limo.

You knew that.

You’ve told her.

You didn’t know that?

You didn’t tell her?

Heh. What-- What is he talking about?

Nothing. It was just-- It was this girl-- Listen, it was nothing.

Anyway, best friends! Huh?

Don’t. Will, don't--don’t.

Grace...

Grace!

When I get home, I’m gonna rip your heart out through your foot.

[Karen chortling]

Oh, we should do this every year.

Are they coming back, because I still don’t understand

what this story has to do with me and Tom.

Oh, cripes. Honey, let me give it to you in a nutshell.

Your boyfriend’s a big flaming feather-wearing, man-kissing, disco-dancing...

Vermont-living, Christina Aguilera-loving, Mikanos-going--

Honey, take it on home.

- Tom’s queer, dear. - [Karen] Merry Christmas!

Would you hang on, please? Gracie!

- How come you didn’t tell me? - Because I thought it would upset you.

- Well, it did. - Well, that’s why I didn’t tell you.

You’re unbelievable. 15 years later, and you’re still lying to me.

- [man 1] Need a cab, miss? - No.

- I was gonna get around to telling you. - When?

- Right after you found out. - That’s not even funny.

- Why is this such a big deal? - Because I thought that I was the one

- that helped you come out. - You were!

- I thought that I was the one that changed your life. - You did!

I thought it was my naked body that did nothing for you!

It didn’t! It still doesn't!

- Don’t try to make me feel better. - Grace, come inside.

I don’t want to come inside!

- [man 2] Taxi? - No!

After what happened with us, I--I was...

99% sure, you know.

But it was that one little percent hanging over me, so I...

I met this woman at a party, we got stinking drunk,

went back to her room--

It was awful.

Well, it could have been awful with me.

Why didn’t you make it awful with me?

Because I love you.

I cared about you. I--I--I--

I didn’t want to put you through that.

I needed to try it with someone I didn’t love.

It was awful, huh?

Beyond awful.

Remember that nature special with the elephant seals flopping all over the place?

I needed to picture the cute guy that hosted that show just to make it through.

[laughs]

OK, is this it?

Or are there any other sordid heterosexual stories I should know about?

I swear, like walking through the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant--

something I only needed to try once.

- [man 3] Cab, lady? - No!

God, it’s amazing. When you need one, you can never get one,

- and then when you don’t-- - Actually, you know, Grace, um...

it’s raining and we're 40 blocks from home.

We-- We did need one.

Taxi?

Come on.

[Grace sighs]

So we OK?

We will be.

Are we OK?

We will be.