Original subtitles

Ok, everyone hold up your glasses. And 5, 4, 3, 2...

Will, you're officially one year older. Yay!

Yay! Happy birthday, happy birthday. Yay!

-At the risk of sounding sentimental.. -Hey, you done with that?

No, I wasn't. I'd like to finish my pommes frites, thank you very much.

-Ah! Now they're all squished! -[waiter] Uh-huh.

Can you believe him?

He spilled our soup, he left a thumbprint in my steak, and now--

[gasping]

That table is having cappuccino. He said the machine was broken. He lied!

Ok, it's time for gift-giving!

Ladies first... Sorry, Grace.

Here you go.

Now, I know I didn't have to, but you know me. I'm a giver.

Always a giver. Yay, it's a...

It's a Cher doll.

Why on earth would I want a--

Oh, OK. Here you go, Jack.

Thank God. I knew you wouldn't like it. Happy birthday.

♪ If I could turn back time ♪ Oh!

Ok, birthday boy, my turn.

Ok, here we go. It's a gift certificate...

from a psychic.

Why would I possibly want to discuss my future with Psychic Sue?

Will, she is so amazing. I just went to her a couple of days ago,

and she knew everything about me.

She knew that I didn't get along with my mother,

she knew I had relationship problems, and she knew my best friend was gay.

You just described all of the single women in New York.

What's that, Cher? Yeah,

when they're not talking about me, I get bored, too.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late, but I wanted to make sure I missed most of dinner.

Are you gonna be joining them?

Hey, apron. Who told you you could make eye contact?

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

-Here you go, Will. Happy birthday. -Thank you.

And, um, listen, I just wanted to thank you for inviting me.

I know that we've had our differences in the past,

but, really, when you get right down to--

Oh, look! Better people.

Isn't this fun? We all having fun? I'm having fun.

Where's that freakin' birthday cake?

Happy birthday, dude.

Ok, no. No, no. First of all,

that is not the birthday dude. Second of all, you were supposed to sing.

And third of all, this is not the chocolate soufflé

I ordered at the beginning of the meal.

It's broccoli quiche!

I--I guess I forgot to put the order in.

I got sidetracked making a buttload of cappuccinos.

All right, that--that-- that's it. Excuse me.

Is everything OK?

No, it's not. It's my best friend's birthday,

and that horrible waiter has just--he's ruined our entire evening.

I'm very sorry, ma'am. Let me handle this.

Thank you.

Grace, it's--

No, I'm glad I did it. He's just been terrible.

Grace, being a waiter is hard.

You have to be everything to these people.

Mother, father, psychiatrist, lover... OK...

Ma'am, I apologize. The meal has been comped.

The meal was my gift.

And we've let that waiter go.

Oh.

Thank you.

I don't know about you, but I think I've done this restaurant a service.

No, I did this city a service! Good for me!

Oh, my God, I just got a waiter fired. I'm a bitch.

♪♪♪

Karen, remember last week when you had that UPS guy fired

'cause you thought brown was over?

Did you feel anything afterwards?

Yeah, for a few minutes, but,

like every high, it eventually wore off.

Why? Why do y--

Oh! Wait a minute! You did it, didn't you?

-Oh, you had someone fired! -Yes. Yes, I did.

It was that--that waiter from the restaurant last night. Lenny.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. Oh, my little girl's growing up!

No, this is--this is not something I'm proud of.

I didn't mean to get him fired.

I just thought that he'd be reprimanded and I'd get a free mud pie.

Oh, come on. There's always some poor sap who will hire him.

Hey, Grace, I'm gonna run down, get us some muffins.

Hey, how you doin'? You remember me? I'm Lenny.

I'm gonna be the new office assistant.

I guess we'll be makin' eye contact now, huh?

Coming! Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming.

Hi, I'm Will Truman, and I'm--I'm being hugged.

Yeah, I always like to start off with a hug. Hi, I'm Sue.

And this doesn't include a tip, OK? OK.

That didn't include a hug, either.

Come on in and sit down. Sit right here--Oh, I'm sorry about all the dog hair.

-You're not allergic, are you? -No.

No, although I once got a bee sting,

and my lip swelled up like Pamela Anderson Lee.

OK! Let's do it to it, shall we?

I'm gonna need some keys or a wallet, something that's very personal to you.

Personal? OK.

Well, since I don't keep my shame in my pocket, my keys will have to do.

Ok, I am very peaceful. I am centered.

I am open.

-[dogs barking] -Shut up! I asked for one hour!

Well... I feel a trip.

Not for you, but for somebody very close to you.

And I'm getting... China?

What, a trip to China?

Maybe, maybe, and there is going to be a reunion.

It is with a loved one from the past. I'm seeing blond hair--

Oh, whoa, well, strawberry blond hair,

warm brown eyes, loved you. Ohh! Loves you still,

and you never got to say goodbye to her.

God, I can't--Her?!

I--I loved a strawberry blond her?

And you thought that you were gonna spend the rest of your lives together.

Oh. Thank you, Sue, it's been special.

Oh, and, uh, about that tip? Here it is. I'm gay.

So, what else did she say?

Nothing. Inane stuff, you know, like "Someone close to me is going on a trip."

-Ohh! -[crockery shatters]

Oh, shoot! I just broke my grandmother's China.

China?

And you just tripped.

That's very weird, 'cause that's exactly what she said.

That's because she's Psychic Sue.

What is that smell?

Why do you always look at me when you say that?

No, no, it smells like... like my mother.

Oh, um, that package came from her over there.

That's what it is. It smells like that--that tea rose perfume she always wears.

That's better than my mother. She smells like brisket and Aquanet.

Oh, my God. "Found this in the attic, thought you might want it.

Call your Father. Love, Mom."

What is it?

It's Daisy's dog collar.

Oh, that drag queen you and Jack hung out with at Christmas?

No. My old dog, Daisy.

I was away at college when she died.

I never got to say goodbye. God, she was so beautiful.

You know, that thick coat of strawberry blond--

My love life. Go!

OK...all right.

Oh, Will, there is somebody. Somebody very special.

And the two of you are gonna spend the rest of your lives together.

And it's somebody you already know.

Johnny Depp? Is it Johnny Depp?

-Do you know him? -No.

-Does he know you? -No.

-Can I finish? -Yes.

OK, he's handsome, ah, dark hair...

-[dogs barking] -Come on, you guys, we're almost there!

Oh, you know, I'm getting something. I'm getting...

that his first name starts with... "J."

That's all-- That's all I'm getting. Just "J."

Who do I know...

It's just "J"...

I've got it! It's Jack.

The man you are gonna spend the rest of your life with is Jack.

Do you know anybody by the name of Jack?

No.

And guess what else?

Lenny said he was bringing me a client today.

I'm telling you, Karen, you put goodness out there, you get goodness back.

It's like yesterday. I gave a crazy woman on the corner some money,

today she didn't throw a plastic bottle of pee at me.

Grace, the guy's a loser. The whole office is talking about it.

Oh, and am I drunk, or did I just take a whole bottle of whipped cream

and go like this: ssshhhhhhhh.

Yes and no.

Don't smoke it all at once. It's primo, man. It's all buds.

You just don't want to admit that I'm right.

That when you put your faith in people, they reward you.

Let everybody know I'm dealin' out of here now, ok?

And tell everyone the code word is "ottoman."

Oh, here she is.

-Hi, Grace. -Hi.

Hi, you must be Steve. I'm Grace.

Come on over. I'm just gonna grab my portfolio. Where is it?

Man, this place is going to pot.

I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I went back to Psychic Sue,

and she told me that there's a man I already know

that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

-Oh, my God! That's incredibly-- -It's Jack.

--bad, horrifying news.

[imitating Cher] Is everybody decent, hoh!

Sorry, Grace, we can't go to the movies tonight. Um,

I called the theater, and they can't guarantee Cher's security.

You know what's scary?

This isn't even the weirdest thing he's ever done with a small plastic woman.

I feel like nesting. Let's stay home and rent "Silkwood."

I'm a lesbian who's been exposed to nuclear waste, hoh!

I'm gonna make some popcorn with several underused spices. Who wants some?

I do, I do!

What did you just say?

I said, I do, I do. I really do.

What? Why are you looking at me funny?

Oh, hi, Grace.

Hi. Wow. Wow, look at this place.

Yeah, well, you know, I told a few people about you, and they told a few people, and

I guess a lot of folks are jonesing for an interior designer.

Wow. I haven't been this popular since a misprint in the yellow pages

made me the "Breast Designer in New York."

-Huh. -Why don't we start with you?

Oh, um, I have a whole studio I want to do,

and I'm definitely gonna want some ottomans.

Can the four of us split an ottoman?

-Wow. -So, how fast can we do this?

'Cause I'm having a party this weekend.

OK, why don't I just show you what I did in this loft in SoHo.

In fact, what I can do for you--

Oh, shoot. Uh, hand me that, please. Thanks.

Wait, what is this?

Oh, my bad.

[Jack] Hi, honey. How was your day?

What are you doing here?

Would you calm down? I'm just using your tub.

And your Ylang-Ylang. Do ya like, ya like?

Why don't ya leave, ya leave?

Why are you so crabby? Bad day at the office?

No. I just wanted to come home... and not to Madame Butterfly.

Hello, gorgeous suit.

When did we get this, huh? And it fits you so nice.

The shoulders, and the pecs, and the pits, and the waist... Whoo!

I am not having sex with you!

What?

I am never having sex with you!

We are never gonna have sex. Sex, with you, no.

Oh, you poor thing, that wasn't sex.

All right, uh, how can I explain this? Um...

OK, when two men are in love and committed...

and greased up like pigs at a county fair...

No! Psychic Sue said... I'm gonna spend my life with a man named Jack.

-Jack who? -Jack you!

-Jack me? -No, thanks!

Look, you know ordinarily

I wouldn't believe all this psychic stuff, but, I mean,

she's been right about everything else, and...

What if she's right about this?

BOTH: Eww!

Well, what if she is right?

What would that be like?

Well, I'm--I'm gonna have to have my own place.

Yeah, and sex is out of the question.

I--I don't even like seeing your head poke through the hole in your sweater.

And--and just so you know, I'm gonna need boyfriends.

And, since my career comes first, you may have to support me.

Right. What about Grace?

Oh, you get custody of that.

So, let's see.

No sex, our own boyfriends, I support you,

you live across the hall, Grace is my roommate.

Wow. That would be weird, wouldn't it?

Hey. Where's the slow talker?

I fired him, OK?

He totally took advantage of me.

You were right. People will always let you down.

Oh, Grace.

What?

Nothing. It just felt like it needed an "Oh, Grace."

I'll tell you what, this is never gonna happen to me again. From now on,

I trust no one.

Oh, honey.

-What? -Here we are again.

-People suck. -Oh, come on! Don't do that.

This is a bad color on you. And your attitude is poor, too.

You're the one who loves people. You're the pretty little gal from Ioway

with the heart as big as all get out.

Karen, I'm from upstate New York.

Whatever. I got a facial in an hour.

Listen, bottom line: it's a good thing that you believe in people. I mean,

maybe Lenny let you down, but, hey!

You took a chance on me, and have I ever let you down?

Oh, Karen.

What?

Just felt like it needed an "Oh, Karen."

So, why'd you can old swarthy Pete, anyway?

He was selling dope out of the swatch room.

What?

Grace, I can't believe it! I loved him!

Please stop staring. Yes, it's Cher.

OK, that's it. Nothing for us.

This Cher thing is out of control. We're going.

What's the problem?

You made us wait for an hour for a table for four!

In the back, so she wouldn't be gawked at.

OK, bye-bye.

Freak.

You're the freaks!

You know, dude, it is a little weird that you're talking to my doll.

Um, I don't think I need a drag queen to define normal behavior, OK?

But I will say this. The look? It's flawless.

Whatever.

Ooh, workin' the attitude.

OK, you're good.

I've had a lot of practice.

Hey, hey, hey! You're not that great, mister sister.

All right? I do a better Cher than you.

You think so?

Actually, it's... "You think so, hoh!"

Are you kidding me with this?

Ok, the hand is perfect, but it's more...

"Are you kidding me with this, hoh!"

Get a life.

♪ If I could turn back time ♪

♪ If I could turn back ti-ome

Ti-ome. Ti-ome. Ti-ome.

Snap out of it!