Original subtitles

[Karen laughing]

Yeah, you're a wicked little schoolboy

to be talking to me like this in the middle of a work day.

I'm gonna make you stay after school and bang the erasers.

OK, OK, yeah. Yeah, you like it rough. Don't you, you dirty little monkey?

Yeah. Next time I see you, I'm gonna bend you over my knee--

Oh, crap, I gotta go. Mom and Mom are home.

Now we know how she's making that extra $2.95 per minute.

You know, you talk a lot of trash about that husband of yours,

but when you get right down to it,

you two still have the hots for each other.

Yeah... Yeah, we do.

But that wasn't Stan. That was your boyfriend, Nicholas something.

Nicholas? Nicholas is an ex-boyfriend.

Honey, with you, I thought the "ex" was implied.

He flew into town this weekend. He can't wait to see you.

Which I guess would make you his layover.

"Grace Adler is now ready for boarding.

Buckle up. There's bound to be some turbulence."

What are you, ten?

So who is this sexy exie, anyway?

He's a cellist with the Boston Symphony.

We went out for a little while a couple of years ago.

It was, uh, interesting.

Grace is just being modest. It was terrible.

For six weeks, all you guys did was fight like cats.

Yeah, but we made up like dogs.

Oh, I can't wait to see him.

[phone rings]

Grace Adler Designs.

[giggles]

Hey there, big daddy.

What are you up to, you little dirty dirty?

Ok, hang up, hang up.

Hey, sexy.

Oh, hi, Dad.

OK, I say yes on the pants, yes on the sweater,

and definitely yes with the other decision you're struggling with, ok?

Hey. Hey. Psst, Jack.

-Oh, hey, Karen-- -Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

I'm Anastasia Beaverhausen!

Why are you using your alias?

Because I passed a couple of bad checks here. You know, for sport?

Mrs. Beaverhausen, can you believe it?

Me, a Banana Republic sales associate.

And my guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.

Honey, I'm so proud of you. Come on.

Let's go to Barney's. There's a new salesgirl there,

and we gotta get her fired. She has a gray tooth. Come on.

I can't.

I can't. I'm working. Hello?

Well, yeah, and I'm ovulating, but nothing's gonna come of that, either.

You don't understand. I have responsibilities. Look, a headset.

You know... This isn't working.

This is gonna interfere with our friendship.

I work a 40-hour month for what's-her-name,

-and I always make time for us. Come on. -Karen--

I can't, all right?

But I promise. Nothing's gonna change between us. Hey,

I'll come over later, and we'll short-sheet Rosario's bed.

OK.

Maybe we can take a big bubble bath together.

Nothing would give me more pleasure than to sponge-clean the Beaverhausen.

-Wilma. -Anastasia.

Uh, hey. I just received a message saying you have

a new job and you're going to buy me dinner.

There's, like, 18 things wrong with that sentence.

Will, The Banana has changed my life.

It's all about The Banana.

Hasn't it always been?

Hey, save that smut for Loehman's.

You're in The Republic now.

Hey, Grace.

Nicholas. Hi.

-It's been a long time. -Yeah, it has.

Even longer, since you were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago.

What are you talking about? You said "1:20."

-I said 1:00. Who says "meet at 1:20?" -Here we go.

I've been waiting here a half hour. I was so bored, I almost started to read.

Listen...

Don't blame me because you're unclear-- as usual.

I was totally clear. You just hear whatever you want to hear.

-You look hot. -So do you.

-So, how's Boston? -Do you really care?

No. Just making conversation till we get to the good stuff.

How about that? I'm fresh out of conversation.

How about that?

There you are.

-Oh, hey, love. -Hey, baby.

You must be Grace. So nice to meet you.

Thank you... You...

I'm not late, am I? You told me to be here at 1:35.

Oh, my God. I've been looking for this book.

It's the perfect size to replace that little foot that broke off my hamper.

-I'll be right back. -OK.

So, uh...

Your... sister seems nice?

No, she-- She's not my sister. She's my girlfriend.

She joined the Symphony last year. She plays the flute.

Nicholas, I'm so embarrassed. I mean,

if I had known that kiss before was just a "hello" kiss,

I would have used a lot less tongue.

See, when you called, I thought you wanted to get together

to do what we get together to do.

That's right.

-But you have a girlfriend now. -That's right.

Ok, I guess I'm a little dense, 'cause,

I mean, you can't have sex with me and your girlfriend at the same time.

That's wrong.

What?

But... Oh.

Oh, but-- Oh!

-Oh, my God. There he is. He's back. -Who?

32 long flat-front chinos.

The man I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. Look at him, Will.

He's perfection. So loverly.

-He makes me want to be a bigger man. -You mean "a better man."

Yeah, that, too.

-How do you know he's gay? -He beeped.

He's a cutie. Why don't you go talk to him?

I can't.

You "can't?"

What woul... You're not shy around men.

You'd hit on the Pope if he drove a better car.

Come on. You're... get it, you're Jack. Get in there.

-I'm Jack. -You're Jack.

-I'm Jack. -Jack.

-I'm Jack. -You're Jack.

I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack.

I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm Jack--

Does this shirt come in anything besides cranberry?

Because I just don't think it will go with my gooseberry pants.

So, what fruit will go with this pants? Uh, gandaberry, lingonberry, Halle Berry?

OK, thanks.

Me! I'm the fruit that would go with those pants.

Nice try. Tell me. Does this come in a boot?

Can you imagine me in a 3-way?

Honey, I can barely imagine you in 2-way.

Hey, come on. I mean, it's not outside the realm of possibility.

Grace, I can see me in a 3-way. I can see Karen in a 3-way.

Oh, honey, every night with Stan is a 3-way--

Me, him, and Johnnie Walker Black.

Just the three of us.

But you're just not that girl.

No way, no how.

Hey, I have been known to get a little crazy in the boudoir.

Some might even call me... kinky.

[both laughing]

Hey!

Sweetheart, people who are truly kinky never use the word kinky.

And who the hell says "boudoir"?!

"Hey, hey. Look at me. I'm kinky, and I'm in the boudoir."

OK. OK, OK. So maybe I haven't had sex with more than one person at a time,

but I've done a lot of crazy things.

I once had sex in the kitchen.

Ooh. What are you, a rock star?

All right. No. You're done. I have clients coming. Get out.

If I don't, are you gonna spank me, kinko?

-Get out! -Whoa!

If you're anything like that in the boudoir, watch out!

I don't care what either of you say, I am not a prude.

Oh, honey. Come on. Come on.

I love you like the mother I had committed against her will.

But you are Prudence McPrude, the Mayoress of Prudie Town.

Karen, you are wrong.

Quack, quack. No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are! -Quack.

Look, you know what? Not only am I the kind of person who would do a 3-way,

I'm the kind of person who's going to do a 3-way.

So say good-bye to Prudence McPrude, and say hello to Slutly Slutenstein.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Jack.

Jack, you have a visitor, and he's cute.

If I didn't have a girlfriend, I'd be so into him.

He'll be right here.

Hey, hey. What's with this page?

"Baby bear needs mama bear."

You're only supposed to use that in a gay emergency.

It is an emergency. He's back. 32 long is back.

His pants... are ready.

Have lovelier words ever been uttered?

Say it soft, and it's almost like praying.

I need your help, Will.

I figured out what it is about him that scares me.

He's a smarty.

I heard him on his cell phone using big words like

"particular" and "delicatessen."

I need you to make me smart.

All right. I'll-- I'll need a mad scientist,

two electric switching helmets, and a willing monkey.

There's not enough time.

Oh, my God. There he is.

Please, Will, help me.

I still don't understand what you want me to do.

It's not like I can talk for you.

Oh, my God. You're a girl genius.

That's exactly what you can do.

Scott, call home. Your girlfriend's pregnant.

-What? How? -Just go.

No, no, no. No, Jack. This is ridiculous. No.

I've never felt this way about anyone. Please.

All right. What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

Testing, testing. Sibilant. Rhubarb. My dog has fleas.

Yeah, I hear you, Jack.

Approaching target.

Approaching target.

Oh, my. Look how flat target's stomach is.

OK, I'm in.

Give me a line a smarty would open with.

Hello?

Hello.

-Hi. -Oh, my God. It's working.

I just bought She's Come Undone,

but I was disappointed when I got home

and I realized it wasn't a biography of J. Edgar Hoover.

So what are you reading these days?

Oh, good question. What am I reading?

What am I reading? What am I reading?

Actually, I'm re-reading an old favorite, Rabbit Run.

Actually, I'm re-reading an old favorite, Rabid Nun.

No, no...

-Rabbit Run, you idiot. -Rabbit Run, you idiot. Rabbit Run.

No!

-You're the idiot! -No, you're the idiot!

I mean-- I mean, I'm the idiot. I'm c-c-crazy.

-Why did you let me do that? -Hey!

A ventriloquist is only as good as his dummy.

-So listen, Matthew-- -So listen, Matthew--

--if you like She's Come Undone, you know what else you might like?

--if you like She's Come Undone, you know what else you might like?

If I tore off my clothes and gave you a lap dance on the V-neck sweaters.

If I tore--

If I-- If I tore over here and invited you

to caress the insole of our brand-new seamed Oxford.

MATTHEW: Ooh, seems a little fast. I like to get to know a shoe before I put my foot in it.

Take it to dinner, buy it a sock.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

So, what is it you do?

So, what is it you do?

-I work in television. -Oh, my God. I love TV. Buffy is my life.

I'm so into Willow being a lez.

Did you have anything to do with that?

No, I'm a sports writer. I write news, sports, you know, like that.

Sports? I got nothing. The last sporting event I watched

was Circus of the Stars.

-Hey, do you have this in a size 8? -I don't work here.

-So, back to Buffy. Is it really-- -Forget Buffy, you boob.

-Ask him what he does for fun. -What do you do for fun?

Oh, I don't know. Let's see, uh... Oh. Well, tonight,

I'm going to an opening at the Spielman Gallery,

where I'll probably get shamed into buying some art.

Oh, my God. I got--

Oh, my God. I got shamed at that gallery, too.

That little skinny woman with the big hands

and the blue veins who wouldn't take no for an answer.

I know her. She did a number on me. She made me buy this 4x6 canvas of a foot.

Fortunately, I got out of there before she made me buy

this hideous sculpture they had out front.

-Japanese Man With Fish? -Japanese Man With Fish?

-Japanese Man With Fish. -I bought it.

-I bought it. -You didn't.

-I did. -Hey, can we talk about something I'm interested in?

Jack, Jack. Don't bail. This is working.

Look, Matthew. Let me ask you something.

Matthew, let me ask you something.

And don't take this the wrong way. Get out of here, you silly woman!

Get out of here, you silly woman!

You, you silly woman. Out!

Now, where were we?

I think I should get going.

All right, look.

Obviously, you have some stuff you need to work out up here, OK?

Um, and I don't know if I'm invested enough to start couples counseling.

Maybe it's just as well, Jack, because I think I'm interested in somebody else.

Yeah. Whatever you need to tell yourself, OK.

Just promise me you'll allow yourself some time to grieve.

Maybe I can start the grieving process while you get my pants.

Good idea. Will, you're fired.

Hey, listen, lady. I told-- Oh, sorry.

Call me. It was nice talking to you.

Me?

Well, the-- Well, you and Jerry Lewis need to work on your act.

I don't know what happened. We killed at The Gap.

The first one's my home number.

-I'm Will, by the way. -I'm Matt.

Matt, I...you know.

Nice meeting you.

You, too.

You think Jack's gonna be OK?

I just need to measure your inseam.

-But I just want... socks. -Yeah.

Yeah, I think the healing process has already begun.

[knocking on door]

OK, I'm here. What's first? Who's first? How do we do this?

First, we slow down. Come on in.

Let me take your coat. You're not nervous, are you?

Nervous? No. What gave you that idea?

Two coats. Look at that.

Well, the first coat's really just a primer.

It won't get in the way of anything we're doing here.

-So where's Paula? -I'm here. Hi, Grace.

Hey, hey, Paula.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

-OK, go. -Come on.

Relax, Grace. It's gonna be fun. We're just gonna--

-Nicholas? -What?

Why did you put my flute on the window? You know it can't get wet.

-I'm sorry. -Geez.

I'm sorry. Look, it's no big deal--

Hey!

You want me to sit between the two of you. OK.

[high-pitched giggle]

Isn't it funny how this is the universal symbol for take a seat?

I mean, it's the same to everybody. Kids, dogs, sluts.

Come on, Grace. Don't say that. Do you remember when I...

-Remember? -Yeah.

It can be just like that. OK?

Well, it's just-- this time I'd have to wait my turn, but--

OK.

BOTH: There you go.

Ok... Yeah, that feels better. Hmm...

Ok, I'm gonna have to work my way up to you, but nice robe.

Oh. Oh, that feels nice. Strong hands.

Oh! More strong hands. They're popping up everywhere.

Just like Starbucks franchises, only sexy.

She has beautiful hair, doesn't she, Paula?

What? You're still on the flute?

Well, you put it there on purpose, didn't you?

Give me a break, please?

Oh, gosh. Oh, that's nice. I really had a knot there.

Because if I put your cello near an open window,

the wrath that would rain down on me--

The only purpose of a flute is to make people cry during Irish movies.

You know what? I am done.

Next time you want to do a 3-way,

why don't you do it with your cello and your ego?

Well, at least my cello makes noise when I touch it.

-Guys? -I hate you, Nicholas!

I am so tired of you, Paula.

[both yelling]

Hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute.

Do you know how much soul-searching

I had to do to come up with the courage to--

Oh, damn it. I am burning up!

Look... This is not me, OK? I'm a good girl from Schenectady.

I went to Sunday school for 10 years.

I was 16 before I let Bobby Kay go to second.

So for me to come here and participate in this is a big deal.

So you two kiss and make up, because the three of us are gonna get it on!

-Baby, you are so hot! -Let's do this right now.

Wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no.

What is it? W-w-what, what?

This isn't me, OK? I'm a good girl from Schenectady.

I went to Sunday school for 10 years.

I was 16 before I let Bobby Kay go to second,

so for me to come here and participate in this is a big deal.

Too big a deal.

So I'm sorry, but I'm--I'm-- I'm gonna have to back out of this.

And I just want to make this as smooth an exit as possible,

so I'm just gonna take my sweater and my sweatshirt and my jacket...

and my other jacket.

Gosh, I feel like I'm leaving you high and dry.

Do you want me to get the concierge? She--she looked pretty cute.

OK.

I guess I always thought of myself as a little kinky.

Come on, Grace. It's OK. I've never been in a 3-way.

Yeah, but you're gay. You have the kinky built in.

Oh, sure. That's why I joined.

So, come on. How was your sexcapade, honey?

Were you the ham in a philharmonic sandwich?

Did you roll over for Beethoven? Did ya?

-You want me to tell her? -No, that's OK.

I'm not ashamed.

It was fantastic.

There were so many arms and legs everywhere,

Hindus were praying to us.

Oh... You sleazy skank.

What? Karen--

I gotta take the rest of the day off.

The air in this room is ripe with filth.

For God's sake, Grace. I'm a mother. Oh!