Original subtitles

04 Citizen Toxie The Toxic Avenger IV - Sci-Fi 2000 English

[NARRATOR] 15 years ago, in Tromaville, New Jersey,

the toxic chemical capital of the world,

little mop boy, Melvin Fyrd, a 98-pound weakling, was teased,

taunted, and other bad stuff, until he fell into a barrel

of toxic chemical waste, transforming little Melvin

into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman

size and strength.

Melvin became The Toxic Avenger, the first superhero

from New Jersey.

Then two rotten sequels were made.

Sorry about that, This is the real sequel.

[ANNOUNCER] Come forward, students.

In celebration of today's Take a Mexican to Lunch Day,

the cafeteria will be serving tuna tacos!

[MARIACHI MUSIC]

OK, kids.

Today we're going to celebrate our special friends

below the border.

We are going to celebrate Take a Mexican to Lunch Day.

Can you say that?

[CLASS] [MUFFLED, SLURRED] Take a Mexican to Lunch Day.

Yes!

Very, very good.

You know, that's where the hard working Mexicans

take naps during the day.

Just like us?

Just like us.

Exactly like us!

Can anyone tell me... oh!

Tito!

Oh, baby!

What do you think you're doing, young man?

Listen, bitch.

[MS. WEINER] [GASP]

Just because I'm a tard doesn't mean

you have to treat me like one.

[CLASS] Yeah!

But because I'm special, I don't think

I'm ever going to get laid.

[MS. WEINER] [GASP]

So why can't I m-m-masturbate?

[GASP] Tito!

OK, kids.

Now, do you know what you're eating?

Tacos.

Tacos!

That's right, tacos.

Can you say taco?

[CLASS] Taco!

Good!

Taco!

Yeah, taco!

[GUNSHOT]

[STUDENT] Mummy!

[GUNFIRE]

All right, you fucking retards.

Drop your tacos or I'll blow your brains out!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Mummy!

He's got his head up his ass.

Ha, that's the retard!

Fuck this, man.

I'm out of here.

[CACOPHONY]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

What on Earth do you think you're doing, young man?

I am trying to teach a class here.

What kind of a man are you?

Yoink!

Please, can I? [THUD]

[MS. WEINER] Oh!

We interrupt our coverage of the Smithville.

Home for the Elderly massacre to bring

you this very special report.

Thank you.

[BELL DINGS]

Well, folks, it looks like we've got another school

massacre situation.

You want to take this?

I did the last three.

Fine.

The terrorist group in question, the Diaper Mafia,

has taken the Tromaville School for the Very Special hostage.

We're gonna go live now to the Tromaville School for the Very.

Special, where our correspondent, Cindy Tata,

is already questioning Tromaville police chief

Newman about this very subject.

Stick with this after the break where our very own Josh.

Levitsky will share with us some of his mouth-watering recipes

for butternut squash.

Mmm!

- I like that. - He's good.

Isn't he good?

He's like a living Martha Stewart.

Isn't she still alive?

Nigga, please.

Chief Newman, what caused the Diaper.

Mafia to commit these horrible acts of violence?

No comment.

I can't believe this is happening in Tromaville,

Sergeant Kazinski!

If you ask me, these Diaper Mafia punks

are doing the world a favour!

What is the use of sending these retards

to school in the first place?

[SPITS]

[DING]

[CAT MEOWS]

All right, Tex.

Time to kill another one.

Yes, Daddy.

Chief Newman, the Diaper Mafia has stated they will execute

a special student every half hour until their demands have

been met.

Really?

Yet it's been at least 35 minutes, and...

[GUNSHOT]

Never mind.

Now, that's a damn shame it had to happen on Take

a Mexican to Lunch Day and all.

[TEX] You hear that, pigs?

You hear that?

You hear this?

[CRY] Please, don't, don't, don't...

Yes, a tard dies every five minutes until a Really.

Real Bikini TV crew arrives.

You got that?

Got that?

Got that?

I'm working on it.

I swear, I'm working on it.

But please, don't shoot any more of those tards!

I... I mean, those special kids.

Fuck the fucking tards!

I'm sick and tired of their drooling and whining.

Now, why is it that when I shit my pants,

it's a fucking social faux pas?

But when some tard shits his pants,

a good-looking nurse wipes his ass for him, huh?

She's got her head up her ass! [GIGGLES] Hey, Tex!

Tex, Tex! [GIGGLES] Check it out.

Pregger pinata.

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

That's real nice.

That's real nice.

Hey, hey!

You got your head up your ass!

Yeah, fuck you.

God!

Are they getting the people?

That's what separates us from pussies

like the Trenchcoat Mafia, the Flat Top.

Mafia, and the No Pants Mafia.

Didn't you hear what Kazinski said?

Huh?

[GROANING] You fucking tard.

[SCREAM]

[GUNSHOT]

[GURGLING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMING, MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[GUNSHOT]

Mayor Goldberg, how do you feel about the five

very special people who are dead?

Try not to harp about the five that are dead.

Think about the hundreds of students that are

still living, still breathing.

And let's pray for an end to all this murder

and mayhem and garbage.

Let's pray.

I'm not a $500 charge.

Ray!

It'll be $150, if...

Get on the phone!

Go! Get off!

I'll talk to you later.

Let's pray.

Let's pray, God damn it!

You, too.

Oh, Lord, in your divine wisdom, please find it in your heart

to put an end to all this murder and filth

and trash and garbage.

Oh.

And please help us to get re-elected one more time, OK?

Thank you very much, God. And amen.

Amen!

Dayenu.

Thank God you're here.

What took you so long?

I had to change.

It takes a while.

Yeah, OK.

All right, kid.

Hold on, all right?

I got the Really Real Bikini TV crew here.

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

The Diaper Mafia's demands have not yet been issued,

and yet speculation has already begun as to the motivation

behind the senseless attack on the mentally

feeble student body.

What do you think, Randy?

I'm going to have to go with the heavy metal

music on this one, Jason.

Ah, interesting.

But what about that best-selling video game,

Kill All the Retards?

Could be a factor.

Could be a factor here, Jason.

But we cannot forget about the rap music.

Very popular with the kids.

I personally am not a fan of rap music.

I think you could put a c in front of rap

and call it you-know-what.

Well, I don't think you need to go that far.

Not a fan.

- Think you're going too far. - Not a fan.

All right. I think you've established that.

You know, I think the worst part is that we'll never know.

But that won't stop me from casting my final vote

for violence in the movies.

Well, it certainly couldn't be violence in the news.

Oh, God, no.

We may broadcast death and tragedy,

but this newscaster knows in his heart,

and I think you'll back me up

I would back you up.

Thank you.

We would never glorify it.

You like that, don't you, retard?

Hello, Tex.

Samantha Chambers, really real bikini TV.

This is my morbidly obese sidekick

I mean, uh, cameraman, Joe.

Well, Samantha, looks like I won't

have to frisk you for weapons.

[LAUGHTER]

Shut up!

Listen, lady.

I didn't call you in here to fuck you.

I called you in here because The Really.

Real Bikini TV Show is the number one show in America.

Now tell fatty there to turn on the camera.

I'm gonna show you something.

OK.

You see this bitch right here?

Wasting perfectly good tax dollars trying

to teach the unteachable.

And if there's one thing the Diaper.

Mafia hates more than retards, it's genetic traitors.

Now, I'm gonna show you what we do to bitches like that.

No!

[SCREAMING]

[TEX] What the...

[ROARING]

Oh, my God!

It's the Toxic Avenger!

Tromaville's favourite hideously deformed creature of superhuman

size and strength! [SCREAMS]

Well, if that's the Toxic Avenger,

where's his morbidly obese ward and sidekick, Fatass?

It's Lardass, punk!

[CHEERING]

Let's fight.

Guy's just got his head up his ass. [GIGGLES]

I got my head up my ass. [GIGGLES]

[SHRIEKING]

Children, duck!

Duck!

[QUACKING]

No!

No, no, no, no, no!

Toxie!

[GUNFIRE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No!

[LARDASS] Dead retards, Toxie.

[FARTS] Oh, the humanity!

Go get him, Toxie!

You can't kill me, Toxie.

See this detonation meter on my chest?

Huh?

Huh?

The bomb over there in the corner?

Kiss your school goodbye.

Oh, my God!

Five seconds after my heart stops,

this building is nothing but dead tards and charred lard!

Hey, it's glandular!

That's right.

Kazinski said you'd be here.

Oh, that's right.

Sergeant Theodore Kazinski.

Tromaville ATF.

Where do you think I got all these guns

in the first place anyway, huh?

You understand that this world is

full of unthinking cattle that need to be

led into the new millennium.

A new order.

And the first step in that process

is to eliminate all these retarded genetically

mutated freaks and shit.

That wasn't a nice thing to say.

No, no, no.

Excuse me, Ms. Weiner.

Toxie, you were always my best student.

Thanks.

No, Toxie!

Don't let your Tromatons control you!

[TEX] [SCREAMING]

[LARDASS] Wait, Toxie!

If his heart stops, the bomb will go off!

[TEX] My heart!

Put it back in!

[SCREAMING] Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ah, there you go.

Good as new.

[ALL] [SCREAMING]

[TOXIE] Oh, darn it.

Come on, Toxie! [FART] Let's get these kids out of here!

[FART] This building's about to explode!

[WOMAN'S VOICE] This bomb is now armed.

Detonation in T-minus five seconds.

[SCREAMING]

This would be easier if I had a mop.

[WOMAN'S VOICE] T-minus five seconds.

These drugs are gonna blow my ass off.

What the?

Didn't your special helper tell you

that drugs were bad for you?

Look, um, super zero.

I'm just trying to act like all the other cool cats my age.

[YELP] What's the deal, Tox?

Well, the deal is I just can't stand

by and watch you kill yourself.

I'm not killing myself.

Drugs kill my pain.

Being a teenager sucks.

Yeah, well.

Being a retarded teenagers sucks worse.

Drugs make it suck less.

Well, you're pretty articulate for a druggie special student.

What's articulate?

Ah.

Come on.

[WOMAN'S VOICE] T-minus four seconds.

[LARDASS] Hey, Toxie!

Batter up!

[KARATE NOISES, INTERMITTENT FARTING]

[MS. WEINER] [SCREAMS] Toxie!

Church and state must remain separated!

[ROARING]

[BELL RINGS]

Holy cow.

Lardass!

I've got to go impregnate my wife.

It's time.

Action sausage nunchucks!

Deli style!

[FART]

[WOMAN'S VOICE] T-minus three seconds.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Toxie, hurry!

Do you feel what time it is?

Oh!

Oh yeah!

[GRUNTING, MOANING]

Oh, Toxie!

[GRUNTING, MOANING]

[STEAM WHISTLE]

Oh, Toxie.

In my blind eyes, you are the most

beautiful man in the world.

[WOMAN'S VOICE] Three seconds.

[CHUCKLING]

[SCREAM, THUD]

I can't believe it's not butter!

[TOXIE] You know, Sarah, I have a good feeling

about the sex we had just now.

I really think you got pregnant.

Oh!

What time is it?

Oh!

Melvin!

What's gotten into you?

I know, you're really excited about the results

of this pregnancy test, aren't you?

[TOXIE] Um, yeah, that's it, Sarah.

I... no, Sarah.

I got to get back to the school.

The special kids are in trouble.

What am I to you any more, Melvin?

I feel like just a giant ovary with 110

pounds of flesh attached.

God!

Sarah, what are you saying?

That's not what it is all!

I love you.

Well, I just can't seem to understand why Lardass

can't do some of the crime-fighting by himself some

of the time.

I know, I know.

Lardass is all grown up now, but when

I made him my ward all those years ago,

I promised him we'd be partners.

I know he's a big boy now... a really, really big boy now,

but he's just not ready to defend Tromaville on his own.

You go to your Lardass.

Maybe he'll have your baby for you.

I love you, Sarah.

Yeah.

Oh, he's here!

[CHEERING]

Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD.

Why aren't you in there helping the Toxic Avenger?

I'm a New York City police officer,

and this is not my jurisdiction.

Besides, Toxie suggested I stay out

here and stake out the area. Yeah.

Because I can guard everyone out here with my amazing Oriental

superpowers.

And so everyone should be safe outside with me

here behind this fence.

And I think you should actually come

in here with, uh, Kabukiman.

No. [SHRIEKS]

Yes, that's...

[WOMAN'S VOICE] T-minus two seconds.

Toxie.

Toxie!

The bomb's about to go off!

[WOMAN'S VOICE] T-minus one second.

What happened to my emergency peanut butter?

[TOXIE] Come on, kids.

Let's go.

We have no time to waste.

We've got to evacuate the building.

You're dead.

You will be dead.

You.

Oh, come on.

You're dead.

Let's get out of here. Come on!

Let's go! Move it!

[WOMAN'S VOICE] T-minus zero seconds.

The bomb will now blow up.

Thank you for shopping...

[TOXIE] Lardass!

What are you doing?

We've got to get out of here!

No, Melvin.

There's no time.

There are too many people in the building.

We'll never get them out!

[TOXIE] Lardass, no!

Don't eat the bomb!

Lardass!

No!

Even your superhuman stomach can't contain it.

No!

[FARTING]

[EXPLOSION]

[COUGHING] Oh, lord.

What have I done?

It's OK, Toxie.

We loves you.

Speak for yourself, biatch.

Fuck this place, man.

I'm out of here.

Get out of my way, pussies.

Oh, Lardass.

My friend.

[ROARING]

All right, men.

Ready, aim, make guns go bang!

[GUNSHOTS]

All right, men.

Let's move after him!

But use extreme caution.

That lumpy-headed bastard is dangerous!

[GUNSHOTS]

Get in the car!

OK.

I suppose I owe you a thanks.

Don't mention it, boss.

I'm just glad I decided to stick around.

I had a bad feeling about that crack deal from day one.

You just can't trust school kids these days.

Crack deal?

Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD, what are you talking about?

Sergeant?

NYPD?

What?

Huh?

What's wrong with you, Noxie?

Are you selling the crack, or are you smoking it?

[SIRENS]

Shit.

Hang on, Noxie!

Noxie?

Whoa!

Did you see that?

That was a stop sign!

Oh!

Look out!

Whoa!

What are you doing?

Those are police!

What's wrong with you, Noxie?

You'd think you'd never been chased by the cops before.

I haven't.

Oh, my God!

What's gonna happen?

[CHEERING]

Everybody back!

Everyone back!

Just relax!

Stay calm!

Toxie, are you all right?

What happened in there?

Hey, medics! Medics!

Get over here!

Get Toxie over to the emergency ward!

You all right?

[SCREAMING]

[ALL] [SCREAMING]

Stay back, everybody!

He's armed!

What the hell did you do to the chief?

Whoa!

Go, Toxie!

Toxie, what could have prompted this vicious attack

on the citizens of Tromaville?

No fucking comment, you twat.

Here.

How about some hand-me-downs?

I know this must be painful for you, Toxie.

Any final statement?

Shut your fucking cake hole.

This doesn't look good.

No, it doesn't fucking look good.

We should do something.

Do something like what?

Did you see what he just did to the fucking chief?

Fuck that, I'm leaving.

Are you coming?

Yeah, OK.

Faggot number one, meet faggot number two.

[THUD]

Bingo!

Say it ain't so, Toxie!

Say it ain't so!

It is so.

Hold this, fat ass.

Whoopsie daisy!

Coming up at 11:00, Toxie kills virtually

everyone in Tromaville.

And our very own Josh Levitsky gets jiggy with it.

That's good shit.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hang on, Noxie.

I can't pass this up.

[TOXIE] Kabukiman!

That's an illegal U-turn!

[MUSIC PLAYING, SIRENS APPROACHING]

Old lady, dead ahead!

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH YELLING]

This is an American made car.

Every time they flip 25 feet in the air and crash down,

they blow up.

Let's get out of here!

[EXPLOSION]

God damn cock sucking mother fucking...

Toxie, the children picked these for you.

Oh, go fuck yourselves.

Toxie!

[IN UNISON] What the hell is going on here?

What is going on, indeed?

The events which you are witnessing

have proven my theories regarding

the truly fragile nature of the space-time continuum.

Nurse?

[SIGH]

Blackboard.

As you can plainly see, for every dimension,

there exists a diametric opposite of that dimension.

When two explosions of equal mass occurred simultaneously,

the barrier between Tromaville and

its dimensional doppelganger, Amortville,

was weakened for a moment.

This breach caused the Toxic Avenger,

and his evil opposite, the Noxious Offender,

to enter each other's realities.

Wow, that's pretty good for a shriveled up

cripple, who can't get it up.

That is it, Hell bitch.

I don't need to take this shit from you.

My erectile dysfunction has been resolved, see?

Thanks to the modern miracle of penile implants,

it merely takes a few squeezes of my scrotal bulb

to bring my once massive member to a permanent state

of tumescence.

Now get over here, and I'll show you.

Shriveled?

You're gonna love it!

Oh, uh, pardon me.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, coming through.

I die, but my insane theories live on.

[TOXIE] Oh, my.

Hey, Noxie.

Want some of this?

Uh, no thank you.

Thanks for the offer, but no.

That better be insulin, young man.

[NOXIE] Where the fuck am I?

Oh, God.

This is totally fucking shit.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck balloons.

Die.

Noxie, baby, I been looking for you.

I been jonesing real bad.

I wanna trade.

Noxie, I wanna feel incredible!

Noxie, please!

Where are you going?

Jesus loves you, Toxie.

Ah, fuck you.

[IN UNISON] What is this evil, evil place?

Toxie!

Nice work at the school, my friend.

Do you need a ride some place?

Grandma? Grandma?

Grandma? Grandma?

Grandma? Grandma?

Gr-Grandma?

Gra...

How am I supposed to smoke this crack without a fucking pipe?

Fuck off, spazmo.

That's the deal.

But-but-but the deal was the three of you

guys for a rock and a stem.

Look, look, look.

You got your crack, right?

Right?

Now go smoke your shit and get out of here.

We'll try not to fuck her up too bad for you, OK?

But-but-but... but that wasn't the deal.

That's it.

Now I'm gonna have to freak you.

Stop that right now!

Huh? Hey.

Hey, Noxie!

What's going on, man?

You want to help us beat up the retarded guy?

You... hey, you want to help us rape her?

Yeah, yeah!

Didn't you three learn your lesson

the last time I disembowelled you,

shoved your head up your ass, and killed

- you with your own diaper? - What?

What?

Huh?

Guess not.

Sweetie, are you OK?

Those bad boys were trying to touch me.

Bad boys, bad boys.

They're gone now, honey.

Everything's OK.

I keep calling you sweetie and honey.

What's your name, little girl?

Sweetie Honey.

Well.

OK.

Do you know where you live?

We've got to get you home.

I tried, but my home was gone.

1122 Maple Grove Road, Tromaville, New Jersey,

just like Grandma said, and it was gone!

And you.

What the heck were you doing?

Looking for a crack pipe.

What did it look like I was doing?

It looked like you were selling Sweetie Honey for drugs.

And it looked like I saved you from a severe beating.

What are you doing here, and where is your home?

Man, I don't have a home.

I am a loner.

And Sweetie's house is gone.

Just like she said.

That's ridiculous!

Come on, Sweetie Honey.

OK. [SINGING]

See, kids?

Here's the dump, right where I said it would be.

Now go in my shack and call your parents.

Parents?

I have no parents.

Mum and Dad died, and then Auntie Em took me,

but Auntie Em hit me too much, so then

a nice lady took me to Grandma.

OK, well, call whoever, and then

Sarah will make you some lunch, and... Where's my shack?

It was right here.

See?

I told you.

I don't think we're in Tromaville any more, Toto.

Tito.

My name is Tito.

Whatever.

What are you going to do now, Mr. King Shit?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

I'm hungry!

You said I was gonna have lunch!

I'm really, really hungry! [GASP] You brought lunch, too?

No, see I'm a junkie, so I don't have to eat.

But boy, am I thirsty.

Do we... do we have any whiskey?

Any booze?

Here you go, kids.

Something to eat and drink.

[SPITS] Ugh, gross.

This whiskey tastes like pregnant lady's piss.

What kind of sandwich is this?

Congratulations/Sorry you're pregnant.

You know, I don't know why on the commercials

they always say these pregnancy tests are hard to read.

This seems pretty clear to me... oh, my gosh!

We did it!

I'm going to be a daddy!

A daddy?

- Yeah, I made a baby! - Baby?

Yes!

I love babies!

Yes!

[SINGSONG VOICE] Babies, babies, babies!

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

I gotta find Sara.

I gotta... I gotta find out how to get home.

I gotta do something.

You gotta get me lunch?

Yeah.

OK.

Um, I'm going to figure out how to get us home,

and I'm gonna get you some lunch,

and, uh... you two stay here.

- Stay here? - Stay here.

Here?

Yeah, it's a lot safer here.

It's dangerous and unpredictable out there.

So just stay here, and I'll be back for you as soon as I can,

- OK? - OK.

- Bye. - Stay here.

Stay here.

Stay here. [SINGSONG VOICE] Stay here.

Stay here, stay here, stay here.

Who does the Toxic Avenger think he is, my parents?

Fuck this place, man.

I'm out of here!

No!

Tito, you can't go!

Toxie said to stay here!

- He's over there and you... - No.

You have to stay here.

Tito, no!

Because I don't want to be alone.

Because Toxie's going over there,

and you're going over there, and I have to stay here.

And Mummy and Daddy went away.

And Auntie was really mean, and Uncle Bobby was really mean.

And I don't want to be alone!

I don't want to be alone!

Tito, come back!

Come back!

I don't want to be alone!

I don't want to be alone!

Tito!

I don't want to be alone!

Come back!

OK, OK.

Hey.

You are giving me a stomachache in my brain.

If you don't want to be lonesome,

you have to come with me.

Because I am in charge.

I make the choices out here.

OK.

Let's go.

I am in charge.

Thanks.

Thanks, Tito.

You're my friend, huh?

Want to hold my hand?

No, I just... please hold my hand?

You know, Toxie, I used to think

you were one of those namby-pamby pussyfooting

motherfuckers.

You know, one of those bleeding heart heroes that

are always making my job difficult.

But you're actually a bad guy.

You're all right!

Thanks, Ted.

Uh-oh.

You better split, Toxie.

This press conference is about you.

I'll hang around and see what the deal is,

and we'll meet at your house later.

Go on!

My place?

Go, go, go!

Oh, lick my balls, you motherfucker.

Jesus fucking H. Christ.

Fuck.

I never trusted Toxie!

Yeah!

I knew he was bad from day one!

Yeah.

That's my husband you're talking about.

He loves you people!

Bullshit!

We all loved Chief Newman!

Face it.

Toxie's gone mad!

Wait, everybody!

Toxie saved me and my unborn child from the bomb.

Toxie's a hero!

Heroes don't double-amputate police chiefs

and haul 12-year-old children into brick walls!

Yeah!

Please, please.

Quiet down, folks.

Let's get down to the Lord's work.

We all saw the Toxic Avenger kill

not only our beloved police chief, but innocent bystanders

as well.

So we've got to bring him in for questioning!

Not shot by some vigilante citizens' group.

Oh, man.

Fear not, citizens.

I have assembled the only team capable of bringing him

in... superheroes!

United one and all to protect Tromaville.

And I thank God for it.

Now to introduce them.

First, please put your hands together, and give

the clap to The Vibrator!

[APPLAUSE]

Our next superhuman hero protects

creatures of the ocean.

Please give a warm Tromaville welcome to Dolphin Man!

Unfortunately there's not much water here, so Dolphin Man

is pretty useless.

But we have somebody stronger, more

powerful, much better looking.

Who we gonna bring out next, a cow that walks upright?

Please welcome Mad Cowboy!

Jesus Christ.

Now, when rap superstar Master G and mild-mannered sex

offender John Bater went into the same faulty elevator

little did they realise they would emerge as one man.

A man who could fight crime with sheer repulsion

and bad rhyming.

Please give a warm welcome to the combined Master.

G and John Bater, Master-Bater!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm the Master-Bater!

The freaky palm god!

Here it comes, Tromaville!

Here it comes!

Yeah!

Woo!

Here it goes!

[APPLAUSE]

And now, last but not least, the man to beat the man.

The creme de la creme.

The greatest superhero of all, please welcome.

Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD!

[APPLAUSE]

[RECORD SCRATCH]

Thank you, mayor.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I just wanted to reassure every citizen of Tromaville

that Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD, can

single-handedly... that I can end Toxie's reign of terror.

What a dumb-ass!

I could take him out with my heat-seeking chopsticks.

Or, or I could suffocate him with

my computerised 16-bite sushi.

Or burn him.

Burn him with my pyro projectile parasols.

And I have many more to take him out.

But I don't think that'll be necessary.

Toxie will come in on his own.

He was probably just having a bad day.

We all have bad days!

You know, maybe you don't go around ripping off

the arms of the police chief, and bash

priests and cops in the head.

Thank you!

He's probably bipolar!

Abraham Lincoln was bipolar.

And what did he do?

He freed the slaves!

So you see, if we just sit back, relax,

everything will come to a peaceful Kabuki conclusion.

Thank you, Kabukiman.

Well, as you can see, Tromaville is in very capable hands.

This concludes our press conference.

Now the moment you've all been waiting for... the puppet show!

Fucking metal ball, fucking grass, fucking street, fucking

- fence, fucking fat girl. - Toxie!

Hey! Hey, Toxie!

I'm your biggest fan!

That's good.

Even a simple crack whore like me working

her way through art school can appreciate

the finer aspects of you.

Where is my house?

Maybe we should follow the signs.

Hmm, Toxie's shack.

Problem solved.

The Plastique Palace?

That's me!

[SCREAMING]

That's just wrong!

Yeehaw!

Woo!

Oh, shoot!

There goes one of his arms!

Oh, poor baby.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Oh, baby.

He's got nothing but a little bit of fighter left in him!

He's an itty bitty boy.

You see that thing running after us with the mop?

I don't know, man, but it sure is ugly!

Come on, step on it!

Let's go!

He's getting mighty close.

Oh, no.

He's on top of the god damn car!

Stop, you!

Stop the car!

What the good god damn was that?

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna go?

Will you say something?

I'm afraid!

I'm afraid!

Please, please, I didn't do nothing!

I was only kidding!

Please!

I love black people!

I love them!

I didn't mean anything by it!

I didn't really mean it!

Hey, ugly.

Ugly.

Come here.

Yeah.

Gee, I'm really sorry you lost your body.

It's OK, ugly hero.

It hurts, but I been through worse.

You know, a black man in America gets used

to having nobody behind him.

I guess I just got no body at all! [CHUCKLES]

Hey, what we gonna do with that crazy-ass white boy up there?

Well, I know what we can do with that motherfucker.

White power!

White power!

White power!

Hey, boys, I brought you a present.

White power!

Hey, it's me!

Don't you recognise me?

What you doing?

I ain't no nigger!

Oh, help me, please.

That was fun.

Hey, thanks again for saving my life, super guy.

Hey, my name's Pompey.

Pleased to meet you, Pompey.

I'm Toxie.

Sorry.

Well, here we are, Pompey.

The Plastique Palace.

Oh yeah, dude?

You ain't got to give me the play-by-play.

Just get me my body back.

Will do.

Mr. Offender.

Huh?

Oh, I thought you were supposed to be inspecting the hot dog

parts factory today.

It's not the penile implant, is it?

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, uh, um, no, no.

Everything's fine with the, uh, penile implant.

But, uh, could you fix my friend here?

Well, hey!

How you doing there?

Pretty ugly.

Lookie here, you bitch.

Who you calling ugly?

If you get my fucking head out of this bag,

then you just give me my body back, all right?

I think we can take care of it.

Thanks.

[POMPEY] Ain't that what you do here?

Give me a new body.

Maybe build me one.

See if you can make me a bionic body or something like that.

Get me a new body, all right?

Hot dog parts.

Yes, ma'am.

[POMPEY] You gonna make a brother into hot dogs?

You lucky I ain't got my feet.

I'd kick your ass!

I'm really, really hungry.

OK, OK!

God!

You are so annoying.

No wonder everybody hates retarded people.

I'm really hungry. [SINGSONG VOICE] Hungry, hungry, hungry!

Hey, let's go to the office and fuck!

Come on.

Let's get you some hot dogs.

Hot dogs?

I love hot dogs!

We're gonna have hot dogs!

[GASPS]

Help me!

Help me!

So that's how they make hot dogs?

Gross!

I'm never eating hot dogs again.

Get me out of this bucket of body parts

and help me find my real body!

Help me!

Oh, my God!

[SCREAMING]

Whoa.

Hey, buddy.

Huh?

Could you spare some change for an out-of-work particle

physicist?

Lardass?

Lardass!

Fuck you, Mr. Lumpy Head!

I can't believe you're alive!

I thought you were dead!

First of all, my name's not Lardass.

It's Chester.

I resent the implication.

Secondly, I wish I was dead.

Huh?

I was a scientist.

One of the greatest in the world!

And now I'm reduced to being the greatest

cocksucker in the world.

Huh?

Without my Claire, life is meaningless.

Hey, that's my wife!

Is that what you call her?

So you're really not my Lardass?

I'm not Lardass!

I'm Chester.

I'm just a common street whore who happens to know the key

to interdimensional travel.

Interdimensional travel?

The ability to travel between dimensions.

And then my Claire was kidnapped by your goons, evil crime lord.

Then I just gave up the project, and gave up

my life as I knew it.

But what do you care?

To you, I'm just another piece of human shit.

Another life shattered by your evil reign.

Another story to tell your cronies

while sitting up in your mansion up there four

blocks up on the right.

What's the matter?

My lips aren't sweet enough for your toxic testicle nectar?

[TOXIE] Don't worry, Chester.

I'll be back.

Well, when you come back, you better bring cash or pastries,

or you're not going to get to touch this ass.

[FART]

Melvin, is that you?

I heard what happened at school today.

You can hear?

Of course I can hear!

I was so worried about you!

After all, our soon-to-be baby needs a daddy!

And look at the little baby outfit I made.

There's even a little mop.

Wait.

You're pregnant?

Well, yeah I'm pregnant.

Melvin, your hands!

They're so soft.

Oh!

Your manly chest!

It's not quite so manly any more.

[NOXIE] Uh, I've been eating a lot of melons lately.

[GASP] Oh, Melvin!

Somehow your weiner has miraculously

turned into a vagina!

What's going on around here?

Just relax.

Ow!

It's good for our relationship.

It's, uh, it's good for the baby.

Yeah, OK.

Oh.

Yeah, good for the baby, baby.

Oh.

Don't know what Noxie sees in this bitch any ways.

My ass is so much sweeter than hers.

And where is he?

It's for my 5 o'clock reaming, damn it.

Noxie!

Hey, baby!

Ooh!

Get off me, you...

Cock-chugging masochist?

My.

Look, you pervert.

Just get off.

Ooh, OK.

It's time for the rough stuff.

I'll be right over here.

Noxie?

Excuse me, madam.

Psst.

Psst, Claire.

Wake up.

Wake up, Claire.

Rise and shine.

Come on.

Don't worry.

We'll get you out of here in a jiffy.

Whoa!

Wait a second.

You can see?

[UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH]

Of course I can see, stupid.

You're deaf?

[UNINTELLIGIBLE SPEECH]

What is this, some kind of a joke?

Blast!

I wish I took those sign language classes at Tromaville.

Community College.

Well, that's OK.

I can read lips, your dirty dumb dumb dumb-ass!

What's the matter?

Why don't you rape me, rape me, and beat me,

beat me, like you usually do, you fucking pervert?

Fill my chocolate starfish with your chunky, chunky dick snot.

Come on.

Come and do it now!

Come and get it!

Wait a minute. No, no.

Hold it. No, you don't understand.

Do it!

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's hot.

[MOANING]

Firey.

Yeah.

That's explosive.

Well, ladies, now that you're all warmed up,

are your chocolate starfish ready for my chunky dick snot?

Oh my god!

Ugh!

Get that thing away from me!

[SCREAMING]

Where you going?

Help!

[SCREAMING]

Heh.

Well, where did the lovely lady go?

You're about to find out the answer to all your questions.

Whoa.

No, no.

No, I can't.

I'm married.

Will you get off?

I'm trying, dammit!

Claire.

Claire. Claire.

Claire, Claire.

Look, I know I may look like that Noxie character,

but I'm not him.

I'm... I'm totally different.

Well, what's the matter?

Did I do something wrong?

Have I been a bad girl?

I'd do anything you want.

Just don't hurt me no more.

Chester sent me.

Chester?

Mm-hm.

I'm your daddy now.

[SCREAMING]

I would love to have your abortion.

Yeah.

[KNOCKING]

Huh?

This better not be another Jehova's Witness.

Fuck off! Oh.

It's you.

Hey, Toxie, I've got a little proposition for you.

What say we take a little ride?

OK.

Uh, wait.

Can we stop for ice cream?

Hey!

Hold it right there, Noxie.

What's wrong with you, man?

You're acting like a totally different person.

And now what?

You're taking the sex slave out for a romantic dinner?

I don't know what's gotten into you, but it's not right.

Now, why don't you take that slut back to the pit

where she belongs, and come with me?

We've got something to discuss.

What the fuck?

Ow!

You read sign language, right?

Well, listen to this.

Run, Claire.

Run!

I knew it.

I knew something was wrong.

You're not the real Noxie after all, are you?

That may be, but I know Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD, and you, sir,

are no Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD.

Lord, Jesus, Mother Mary.

You up there, it's me, Mayor Goldberg of Tromaville.

I really, really need you, Lord.

I need a sign, just any sign, just

to show me that you're here for... for the people

of Tromaville.

Please, lord, just... just... any sign.

Just a sign.

Please, any sign.

Oh, well.

Thanks for taking the time to listen, and I

I feel better for asking.

Amen.

[SCREAMING]

Coming up at 11:00, Mayor Goldberg out, Toxie in.

And our very own Josh Levitsky makes a run for the border.

In a special piece about lesbians, titled...

Strapping It On and Getting Up Over in There.

Looting around.

I know where I'm going to be at 11:00.

Hey, that's appointment TV.

Ah!

[MOOING]

Ah.

[MOOING]

Oh!

Ha!

[SHOUTING]

Help!

Help me!

Help me!

Oh, help me!

Help me!

Kabukiman!

- Psst! - What?

Who is that?

Weren't you dead, mother fucker?

- Can you hear me? - Oh.

Mr. Head.

Mr. Head, I did not see you back there.

Yo, my name ain't Mr. Head, man.

- It's Pompey. - Oh.

Pompey.

It's very nice to meet you.

My name is Tito. I.

Yeah, how you doing, Tito?

Pompey, let's make a deal.

Uh-huh?

If you chew through my ropes, I won't let

you become meat product, OK?

Well shit, that sounds like a plan to me, Tito.

Come here. Bring your ropes here.

Come on.

Chew, Pompey.

Chew like the wind!

[SHOUTING]

Chew, Pompey.

But hurry, or else you'll become Pompey head cheese.

Not head cheese!

No!

Almost!

All right, got it.

All right, get us out of here.

Get me.

- Help me. - Fuck this, man.

I'm out.

Tito!

Tito, help me!

- Help! - OK.

I'm coming.

[MOOING]

OK.

Ready?

Here we go.

Here we go.

[MOOING]

Wait, Tito!

Toxie needs help!

[MOOING]

No!

No, no, no!

Pompey, what do I do?

You big retarded pussy.

You better get your ass over there

and help that retarded girl.

You go, girl.

You hit him again!

Hit him again!

Hit him with the frying pan!

Get him, retarded girl.

Work it out!

[MOOING]

Come on, we've gotta get out of here.

Come on!

Come on!

[INAUDIBLE].

Oh, no! No!

What happened?

Look, Kabukiman's coming, and we've got to go.

I'm gonna kill that toxic dickhead.

Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Jump, you chickens! Come on!

Let's go!

I don't want to go. I don't want to go.

Go!

Hold on, Pompey!

Whee!

Damn!

Damn.

They're very slowly getting away.

Oh, well.

Fuck 'em.

[NEWSCASTER] Tromaville News on the March!

Mayor Goldberg, Tromaville's liberal Kublai Khan,

dead at 52.

What is to become of Tromadu?

Tromadu.

What will happen to the stately pleasure dome he built

with the taxpayers' money?

Tromadu, where man and beast play.

And women play with each other.

Tromadu, haven to the artsy, and to the fartsy.

And whoc an forget the interpretive dancers?

People are letting it all hang out

at one of the famous Tromadu grotto parties.

Look here.

It's the Toxic Avenger, Tromaville's newest mayor.

Mr. Toxie, how did you find cultural conditions

in Tromaville?

With great difficulty.

[LAUGHTER]

[NEWSCASTER] Hey, Toxie, what do you

make of this easy on the eyes Jackson Pollock-esque here?

Oh!

Oh, well, I guess everyone's a critic.

Look at these young lovers enjoying the

bounteous pleasures at Tromadu.

I could die in these breasts.

[NEWSCASTER] Bullseye!

Cupid strikes again.

And so does Toxie.

That's what I call a facelift.

Looking goods, Toxie.

At Tromadu, Toxie's always ahead in the polls.

Or a pole in the head.

Whoops-a-daisy.

Uh-oh.

The party's over, says Toxie.

Wow.

It looks like Toxie's really tuckered out.

Uh, what's that on your face, Toxie?

Nose blood.

[DJ] Toxie promises his first action

as mayor will be to kill all those goofy superheroes,

especially Kabukiman.

Oh, my gosh.

We're doomed.

We're doomed!

We're gonna die!

[SQUEALING]

W-w-w-w-wait.

We acting all chicken.

It's about time we do some evil ass kicking.

That's really nice, Master-Bater, but fuck that!

I'm not going to die!

Not in Jersey.

Now, I'm getting the hell out of here.

[MOOING]

My god.

I never thought of it that way before.

Now, let's save Tromaville!

[CHEERING]

Go, Mad Cowboy!

Go, Dolphin Man!

Go, Master-Bater!

Heat it up, Vibrator!

I'm coming!

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER]

That Kabuki faggot ran away.

I kicked his ass good.

I guess that...

[MOOING]

Well, I guess that...

[MOOING]

I guess...

[GRUNT]

I guess that takes care of that.

[GRUNT]

I, Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD, am a failure.

I suck.

I... my armour's broken, my leg is all fucked up,

and I gotta pee like a race horse.

Where's the hospital?

Aw, shit.

This ain't the fucking hospital?

That's not the fucking hospital.

Hey.

You got a pisser in here?

Cause I've gotta pee real bad.

Yes, I do.

Ah. [URINATING] Huh?

Oh my gosh.

Who could do such a thing to a defenceless,

beautiful, hot, exceedingly attractive woman like that?

I must... I must free her.

Yeah.

Here I come, Kabukiman to the rescue.

Hold on there, damsel in distress.

Your hero's about to arrive.

You're safe.

I'm here to rescue you.

Just grab these knots, undo these knockers... these knots.

This is not easy.

Yeah.

[SNORING]

Hm.

Have a pie.

See ya tomorrow?

[KNOCKING]

All right, all right.

Who's next?

Claire?

Is that you?

Oh, Chester!

Claire, I thought you were dead.

I was dead without your love.

I dreamed of you every single night.

Dreams of you were all that got me through... the rape,

and the torture, and the cornholing,

and the... that fucker Noxie put me through.

Oh!

Oh, my darling, look what he did to your face.

It doesn't matter now.

All that matters is I'm here with you.

Oh, Chester!

Claire!

Oh, yeah!

[MOANING]

You're extra deep.

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

Oh, do you remember the cheese?

I saved the cheese for you, Claire.

I've been waiting so long to put the cheese for you, Claire.

Get it up, cowboy!

Oh, baby.

Claire, I love you.

Oh, me too.

You're pregnant!

Ha ha ha!

That's wonderful, doctor!

You're pregnant with two babies.

Two babies?

From what appears to be two completely different fathers.

And that's preposterous!

That must be good and evil.

Right.

Well, what can I do about that, doctor?

Well, I'm glad you asked that question.

Ha ha ha!

Nurse?

Lovely.

Just like that.

Thank you.

What I have done is extracted the actual fluid

from the [INAUDIBLE] inside your body.

Huh?

This is the good fluid, this is the evil fluid.

You can tell because it's red.

Mm-hm.

Now, inside your body you have to make a choice,

because these two right here, they're

fighting, fighting, fighting.

One will win, and eventually, this is what it will look like.

[GASP]

That's [INAUDIBLE].

That will be you!

The choice is very simple and clearly yours.

Either A, you can choose to explode,

or B, you can choose to abort.

Explode or abort?

What does one do?

Ha ha ha!

I'll have to think about that, doctor.

Ah, but not too long, because actually,

you only have about two or three hours until this whole process

takes place.

Oh!

Oh!

Ah!

Melvin, where are you?

Doctor, don't you think it's time you removed

the thermometer from my behind?

Well, let me check.

Ow.

[PHONE RINGING]

Tromaville Abortion Clinic.

May I help you?

I'm sorry, but the doctor' still in the topless bar.

I mean, an appointment?

Would you like his voicemail?

Choose or die!

Choose life or die!

Choose life or die!

Choose life or die!

Choose life or die!

Choose life or die!

It sure is hot out here today.

Choose life or die!

Choose life or die!

Hello?

Choose life or die!

Excuse me?

Is this the line for the family planning?

Choose life or die!

Burn in hell, abortion bitch!

Choose life or die!

At least this sweet, gentle rain

will cool things off today.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness!

Sweetie, look at you.

We gotta get you an abortion ASAP.

Yes, we're gonna take good care of you.

Well, I'm really only here to weigh my options.

Options?

Oh, we've got lots of options.

Let's see.

First we open up your vagina with this speculum,

and then take this instrument that

looks sort of like a harpoon, and we

can shove it on in, and...

Oh!

What's the matter, my dear?

I think I'm going into labour!

Oh, my goodness.

We'd better abort in a hurry.

Dr. Cassidy!

What seems to be the problem, Ms. Scraper?

This young lady needs to be de-fetused stat.

Ah, an excellent choice, my dear.

And so much better for the children,

I'm sure you'll agree.

Now, let's just take a tiny little listen, OK?

Oh, my, my.

That one is lively, isn't it?

That fucking speculum!

I told you to put them away!

That speculum! [YELLING] I said, would you please put

the speculum away when you've... there's a case

for the speculum.

Argh!

Next?

My anus!

My fucking butt hole!

Call a doctor!

[PHONE RINGING]

Tromaville Abortion Clinic.

May I help you?

I'm sorry, but the doctor just died of rectal haemorrhaging.

Would you like his voicemail?

We'll go home.

It's OK.

It's OK, Toxie.

Look.

I told you he'd be here.

Claire says that she knew you'd be here, in this dump.

It's the only place I know.

We'd like to thank you again for bringing us back together.

Yes.

Thank you.

So come on, let's get you out of here.

What's the point?

I mean, I belong here in the dump,

with the garbage and the rotting food.

You seem to have forgotten something.

I'm a physicist!

When I said I'm going to get you out of here,

I mean out of this dimension.

Dimension.

So come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

We can go.

A scientific comrade of mine was recently killed in a freak

accident, and he bequeathed me his entire laboratory,

and all of his insane theories about interdimensional travel.

[INAUDIBLE].

I hope you don't mind a mess.

Ah, no.

I, uh, I didn't even notice it.

Now, let's get you back to Tromaville!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I think I've got it, Toxie.

I found the key to interdimensional travel in this

seldom read scientific tome.

Please tell me it doesn't involve exploding a school

full of special children.

No, it's much simpler.

You see, Toxie, you've had the power

to go home this whole time.

These will help you find your way.

I give up.

Oh.

The operating procedures are quite simple.

All you have to do is think of home

and click your heels three times.

You may have to try this more than once.

Interdimensional travel is not an exact science.

You might find yourself in Heaven,

or you might find yourself in a 1970s gay porno set.

Ready?

Upsie-daisy.

- Come on, Tito. - Come on, Tito.

Hop up.

I'm not going.

Huh?

What do you mean you're not going?

Tito, come on.

We've got to go back to Tromaville.

We don't belong here.

I don't belong anywhere.

But as long as there are people like evil Mabukupagup...

Kabukiman, running around, I must stay and protect

the citizens of Amortville.

I have become the Retarded Revenger!

And don't forget about your sidekick Pompey,

the baddest body less mother fucker in all of Amortville!

I want you to have this, in memory of Lard Ass.

Make me proud.

Actually, Tito, you've already made me proud.

Aw, man.

I will miss you, Toxic Avenger.

I'll miss you too, Tito.

Yeah.

Can I have my blanket?

Ready?

There's no place Tromaville.

There's no place like Tromaville.

There's no place like Tromaville!

That's right!

What's... what the... what the... Ow!

Oh!

Oh!

I... I... I don't... I never... oh!

[MOANING]

Cut!

Alfred Jones.

Leukemia.

Jeffrey Smith.

Alcoholism.

Bill Gullow.

Polio.

God, I kind of think thy have invented a cure for that one.

Oh.

God dammit.

Well, that's all right.

Every time they come up with a cure for one,

disease I come up with something even more deadlier.

AIDS.

Now, that was a good one.

AIDS.

[LAUGHTER]

God?

Yeah.

What do you want?

We just want to go home?

You bastard.

What do you want to go home for?

This is Heaven.

This is the best place around.

OK.

Hey, God, I know this guy.

He's the Toxic Avenger.

He's gotta get back to Tromaville.

We gotta get him out of here.

All right.

You can go back to Tromaville.

But you gotta do me two favours.

Uh-huh.

First you gotta go kick the asses of all

the murderers and child rapers.

Yeah?

And you tell the Pope to stop talking about me.

He doesn't know me, he's an asshole,

and tell him that his hat looks fucking stupid.

Uh, yes, sir.

Get outta here.

All right, God.

You're awesome.

All those other superhuman heroes would have died, anyway.

Now I've got Toxie's shack for drinking,

got some bimbos on the way.

It's all good.

[BELCH]

What the... who the hell are you... oh my god, oh my god.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Toxie.

Noxie.

He's gonna... he's gonna kill us.

[PANICKING]

I just had the weirdest dream.

And Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD, you were there.

Except you were evil, and you kicked my ass.

And you... you weren't there.

And you... you weren't there, either.

Who are you guys?

What are you doing in my shack?

Don't hurt me.

Kabuk, where's Sarah?

What's going on?

What happened to you?

Uh, Toxie?

Toxie, is that really you?

Is that the real you?

Yeah, it's me.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, you've... you've gotta stop yourself.

The evil version of you.

You've gone power mad.

The evil version of me?

Uh-huh.

Sweetie Honey.

Uh-huh?

Then it wasn't a dream.

Mm-mm.

Where's Sarah?

I saw her at the hospital.

She'd been kidnapped by the evil Toxic Avenger, or evil you,

and... well, no.

You don't want to go in there.

It's all sealed up tight now, and he's

got a shit load of guard, and he'll know kung fu.

OK, OK.

We've got to get the other heroes of Tromaville

and storm the hospital.

They're all dead.

All of them?

Yep.

Even Dolphin Man?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Well, then, it's up to the two of us.

- Hm? - Come on, let's go.

OK.

I'll catch up with ya.

I'll be right there.

Just gonna... What's your name?

Sweetie Honey.

I'm a big girl, too.

Oh, yes you are.

Here, would you like a drink?

Good girl.

[GROWLING]

Ha ha ha!

[GROANING]

It hurts!

Yes.

Fight, my son.

Fight.

How long?

I'm not sure.

Very well.

If you need me, I'll be in the snack bar having nachos.

Ow!

[GERMAN SPEECH OVER INTERCOM]

Seig heil.

Sieg heil.

- Sieg heil. - Sieg heil.

Sieg heil.

Sieg... whoa!

Kazinski, we may have a problem.

What is it?

I'm due for my nose job.

I think Toxie's good again.

What a misfortune.

Toxie, come in.

Greedhopper says you've turned good again.

What the hell is that?

Go check it out.

And make sure whatever he's talking about

doesn't make it to this floor.

Yes, sir.

Sieg heil.

Sieg heil.

[SCREAMING]

Whoa!

Huh?

Ah!

[SHOUTING]

Huh?

[SHOUTING]

I gotta find Sarah.

If there only were a giant map, like they have at the mall,

for Tromaville Hospital.

Oh.

Hello.

Let's see.

I am here, and Noxie is here.

And, uh... let's see, here.

Armed guard that want to kill me are here.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, no!

Now I've got AIDS!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

I gotta get outta here.

I gotta get out of here!

Toxie!

You blew up a school filled with special children.

What's inside your head?

Let's find out, shall we?

No, Toxie!

No!

No!

SARAH: Melvin!

Sarah!

Sarah!

Yeah.

I fucked her.

No.

Ow, ow, ow!

[GROWLING]

[GROANING]

[SHOUTING]

What?

No!

I'm not even gonna kill you.

I'm gonna rape your virgin ass first.

No!

No!

Oh!

Ah!

You ever been to prison?

Hi-yah!

You just pump it up.

Is that how it works?

Let's just see how big your dick gets.

What are you doing?

I think it's gonna blow.

No!

I think my water broke!

Yah!

Hee hee hee!

Yay!

Yay!

Ha ha!

Nya, nya, nya, nya nya, nya.

Do you know what the difference is between you and me?

I'm a real person.

I don't have to fill my body with plastics... silicone.

My eye is real.

Doink.

My dick is real.

And my colon is real.

And my large intestine is real.

And my pancreas is real.

And my duodenal ulcer is real.

And most importantly, so is my heart.

Dewey?

Bozo?

Melvin?

Melvin.

I'm you.

I'm you.

Oh, give me a hug!

Oh, you're beautiful here.

[SHOUTING]

[INAUDIBLE]!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I...

[HORN]

What is wrong with you?

I'm evil.

That's what's wrong with me.

I'm from the other side.

Don't you know that yet?

Give it. Give me some!

No.

No!

That's it. No.

No.

I'm... oh, no!

That's it!

[SCREAMING]

[GURLGING]

I'll be back, mother fucker, if there's a sequel!

I'll be back!

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Oh...

Sarah!

It's OK, honey.

I'm here.

Oh, Melvin.

I'm so glad you're back.

Oh!

Oh!

Doctors!

Is there a doctor in the house?

Anyone?

Someone?

Oh my god.

She's haemorrhaging!

No, no.

This is just dick tissue.

Oh.

Oh.

Hello?

Hello?

Hm?

Baby?

Oh!

Tonight at 11:00, bad Toxie out, good Toxie in.

And congratulations, Toxie.

We heard it's a boy.

Hey, all right.

Also at 11:00, our very own Josh Levitsky

will be taking some of our local superheroes shopping for tights.

He's a beautiful, big, bouncing baby boy.

60 lbs and 4 ounces.

He is beautiful!

He looks just like you!

Dada.

Oh!

- Toxie. - Oh.

Hey, Miss Weiner.

I just really wanted to thank you

for saving me and my beautiful baby, Laquisha.

Aw.

She looks just like her mother.

And I've also brought the special students in

to thank you, too.

Come on in, kids.

Come on in.

Hey, Sweetie.

Toxie, um, we made this award for you,

cause you're an alumnus of the Tromaville.

School for the Very Special.

And you're very special.

Wow.

And gee wiz, thanks, kids.

And Toxie?

I want you to have the blankie for the baby.

Cause I'm a very big girl now, and I don't need it.

Are you sure?

Just ask Kabukiman.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD.

My best friend.

How you feeling?

Not too bad.

Doctors say my arm and leg should

be healed in a couple of weeks.

I just can't wait to get the stitches removed from my anus.

Anus, anus, anus, anus, anus, anus!

Shh!

[POMPEY] Knock, knock.

Pompey!

You've got a new body.

You just aren't a head any more.

Honey, I don't know who Pompey is,

but you want to talk about bodies, honey,

you got some body on you.

Now, we... we can talk about head and all that stuff later.

But are you ready to meet your other new child?

Wait a minute.

Another child?

There is a baby!

I think a child is as much a product

of his environment as anything.

And I think we have enough love to raise any kid as a good kid.

Well, if you think so, Melvin.

Yeah.

A real American family for the new millennium.

Awesome!

Aw.

Hey!

Ah.

Now, let's take a peek.

[GASPING]

Oh!

What?

[GROWLING]

Oh!

Hey.

Cute kid.

Uh-oh.

Toxie.

Toxie.

I... I can explain.

Uh, I was drunk.

She was tied down.

I forgot to zip up.

All right.

Later.

[LAUGHTER]

[NARRATOR] Due to the depletion of the ozone layer

and the careless dumping of hazardous nuclear waste,

thousands of people find themselves

trapped in an evil parallel universe every year.

And the numbers are rising.

This film is respectfully dedicated to all those

who have lost their lives facing down

their own evil doppelgangers.

So, if you find yourself thrust into an alternate reality,

look to the horizon.

One hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength

will be there.

Yes, dear reader, he'll be there.

He's the Toxic Avenger.

And please, don't forget to recycle your bottles and cans.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This just in.

Jesus out, Satan in.

And I, for one, worship the dark lord.

- Really? - Yeah, I do.

- You do? - Mm-hm.

Do you guys get together and have, like, worship...

We do.

Actually, this Sunday we're having a calf slaughtering

at the 92nd Street Y.

Really?

Are our very own Josh Levitsky will be running a cakewalk,

and then we're going to sacrifice him.

- Really? - Yeah.

That's amazing.