Original subtitles

Did you decide what we're watching for movie night? No.

It's like there's nothing good on Netflix anymore.

Hi, I'm from the census.

Mom, why did you do that? A guy wanting a list of Latinos in my house? No

thanks.

The census is important for communities of color. We have to participate.

It determines congressional seats and federal funding, and Latinos are always

underrepresented. Oh, at this point, I'd rather be murdered. Open the door.

Hi. Sorry about the whole door-in-your-face thing.

It's okay, okay. I've had worse.

I've been bit by a toddler, tased by a grandma.

2010, I was insulted by a racist parrot.

Anyway, my name is Brian, and this is only going to take a few minutes.

So you're Penelope Alvarez? Yes, I am, and I am the mother of Elena and Alex.

Oh, okay.

That's good. And this is your husband?

Oh, God, no.

So you're single.

No husband, no same-sex partner, no unmarried partner, no same-sex unmarried

partner. And now we know all the different ways I'm single.

Thank you. I'm very happy. Check that off.

Wow, there's no box for happy.

Okay, I'm 42, Cuban-American, and I'm a nurse practitioner.

All righty, and you're the head of the household.

No.

I am.

No, I am.

This is my mother, Lydia. She lives here, too.

Oh. Hello.

Lydia, yes.

Okay, and what is your age?

I am ageless.

I was born in Cuba, but now I am an American citizen.

Okay, I don't need to know if you're a citizen. That's a common misconception.

I just, I need to know if you're of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin.

I'm all three.

Do I win something?

No, you don't.

Okay, so then this must be your husband.

Oh, God, no.

Berto is my husband.

Okay, and where is he?

He passed away ten years ago.

And he is here.

Oh. Well, where do you keep him?

Berto is in here and in here.

Okay, we get it. Yes, we get it. Let me just clear up some things. I am Dr.

Leslie Berkowitz, Penelope's boss.

And also, I'm Lydia's exclusive non-sexual platonic companion.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Hi, I'm gay.

Oh, well, that's not a buck.

Well, it should be. I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm proud of my buck.

No, wait, that didn't sound right. It's okay.

Look, I just really need to know the relationships within the household.

Oh, oh, oh, great, great, great. Because this is Sid, my significant other.

Ah. And they are non-binary. My pronouns are they and them.

Oh, yes.

They taught us this. It's nice to meet... you?

Anyway, we're together now, but next year I'll be at Yale. If I get in, I'll

get in.

And I'll get in at one of her safety schools.

But we decided to break up before we go to college, so we're not one of those

couples that think their first relationship's gonna be their last.

We don't want to be those people.

I get it, I get it. Right now, I don't want to be me.

Okay. Um, so, just, who else lives here?

Certainly me.

I'm Alex.

I'm 15.

And Papito is single.

Right, right, because he's a child.

No. because it is impossible to find a woman who is good enough for him who is

not me.

Put down that my grandmother and I are just friends.

Okay, so that's everyone, I hope. Please.

Hey, fam.

Hey, Dr. B. Hey, new guy.

Wait, new guy?

It's movie night. Am I being replaced by an older model?

No, I'm from the census.

Oh, great.

So important for our Latinx community to be counted.

Oh, okay. So you're a Latino?

No.

Schneider. Cis white male ally.

Privileged, but super woke.

Does he live here?

No!

Pretty much.

I gotta go. I gotta go. So I'll see you all again in ten years?

Oh, my goodness. In ten years, President Kardashian is going to do away with all

of this.

It's been a rough day, Brian. Sorry. I just have a lot of apartments to hit,

and nobody likes to sense this guy.

Do not worry. You are doing a great job.

And I promise you, they will all be saying everybody loves Brian.

Yeah, doesn't sound right.

One day at a time.

I gotta say, I'm surprised you two are gonna break up the day you leave for

college. Well, we're mature.

Soupy doopty mature.

Actually, can we talk about how this is going to work? Same page, I have no

idea.

You didn't talk about this?

Isn't talking all you do?

Think that is a lesbian stereotype?

Which would have been really useful in this case.

Why don't you do a trial run?

Like, you go to the bathroom.

Instead, you try not to file a missing persons report.

Ha ha. We can be apart, Alex.

And they make you wait 24 hours?

But maybe he's right.

You think you can even spend a day apart?

We can spend a day apart.

How about two days?

Make it a week. Two days it is!

What are you watching?

A Lifetime movie?

I just love watching rich people in trouble.

Escuch.

I came in to tell you something.

That I need an eyebrow wax because I already know.

That is not what I came in to tell you. Que barbaridad.

I just wanted to tell you that doing the census made me realize I was wrong about

something.

Really? That's new.

When Victor left, I said you needed a man.

You don't. You have done so much without one.

Thank you, Mommy. I really appreciate that.

Thank you. I want to tell you a story. Oh, there's more. Okay.

You remind me of my dear Chuchi, a beautiful woman.

She was engaged, but then the man left her, and she was brokenhearted.

And after that, she found joy in books and in painting and long walks along the

Malecon.

By herself, of course, because she had no one.

But she took joy in family. Not her family. There was no one.

But she was everyone's favorite tía.

She didn't give a, como se dice, A.F.

She stopped wearing makeup. She stopped dyeing her hair.

Because what was the point?

Oh, she made us laugh with her story.

And her crazy white hair blowing in the wind.

She used to have a joke.

You want to see an invisible woman?

Watch me go into this bar.

And after she drank herself to death, her funeral was so beautiful.

And not at all crowded.

That was Teotihuacan.

Sweet dreams.

I'm going to die alone.

Penelope, you are not going to die alone.

The Achoochie did.

Are you just making up names now?

Look, the census guy came to my house, and I realized in ten years when he

comes back that it'll just... be me.

I see.

So this is about the fact that you're single.

No, Pam!

I am very happy without a man in my life. Thank you.

Is that why you texted all of us 9-1-1?

It's true, though.

I don't need a man. The problem is I still like men.

We all have flaws.

What I want is to not want a man.

Disgust.

Step one, start liking women.

Step two, turn to your right.

You should start dating again. And not just because when you have a boyfriend,

the rest of us get to talk.

Dating is exactly what I don't want to do. You know, all that stupid small

talk. Where'd you go to high school? How many siblings do you have?

I went to Roosevelt, and I have two brothers.

I wish there was an app called Six Dates In, where you fast forward to knowing

everything about each other, and then just watch the Great British Bake Off

together, and then... Have the Great American Pants on.

Exactly.

I can't believe I'm 42 years old and I'm so worried about this stuff. In the

olden days, I'd be dead by now.

You could start smoking.

Or stop using sunscreen.

Or be like my dumbass cousin and try to take a selfie with a tiger.

Okay, I'm not actually looking for advice on how to die young.

It's been so long since I dated, and the last great relationship I had was Max.

What, what, what?

You all think I should get back together with Max?

No. We're just all scared to ask you for his phone number.

You do talk about him a lot, Penn.

Yeah, Max is great, but he wants kids and I don't. Well, so start dating

again. What else are you going to do?

Shack up with a sex robot who likes English cooking shows?

I hear they're close on that technology.

I like Yorkshire pudding and your vagina.

It's been 24 hours since I talked to Sid. Are you proud of me?

Actually... Okay, you caught me. I'm a disaster.

I miss them so much, and this has been the worst experience of my life. This is

the most predictable thing I've ever been a part of.

Mom, how do you do it? Do what, eh? Be alone, go through life without a partner

who cares about you?

Okay, well, that's one way of putting it.

Actually, I've been talking about this in therapy, and I love being alone. It's

the best. And we're strong women who don't need a partner to define us.

Anyway, I have a date.

What? You said you love being alone.

I know.

But Ramona set me up with this guy that she works with, and I don't really want

to go, but it's good for me to get out there.

Plus, I am having the greatest hair day.

I can't keep this to myself. I mean, my babies. Come on.

Look, look, look at the bounce. Look, look, look at this bounce. Look, look.

Look at it.

Your hair's great. Thank you. But your brows.

And after Carrie, it's me. So I'm the youngest.

But I had sisters, so lucky you.

I just love hearing about siblings.

Really?

Usually I hate this part. I wish we could just download our histories and

then the date could begin.

Totally. I agree. This is the worst.

No, I didn't mean that.

Yes, you did, and it's okay.

At our age, we just want to cut through all the BS.

Oh, my God.

Yes, Mac, thank you.

Mac?

Who's Mac?

Mac?

Mom fun is what we're about to have.

Now that all the family stuff is out the way.

Cool. Did I match?

Where'd you go to high school?

Oh, um, I went to... You don't care where I went to high school.

That is true.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

What's up,

girl?

Do you want me to dress that? No.

Sid's gonna dump me, aren't they?

I always assumed I would be the dumper, not the dumpee.

Should I break up with them before they break up with me?

Should I go straight into a rebound relationship? There is a really hot

barista at the coffee shop downstairs.

Do you think Sid is dating the barista?

I did.

You were being stupid, so I called them and pretended to be you.

And that worked?

Of course.

Hello, this is Elena.

I'm just sitting here, not brushing my hair. Do you want to come over?

I wanted to be convinced.

Well, this is a disaster.

Nah, it's like four hairs. I got tweezers. We can take care of it right

now. What?

What are you talking about?

Your jazz brow situation.

Obviously, that's why you're so upset.

No, I just went out on a date. Looking like that? Focus!

I went on a date with a perfectly nice guy, and he kept turning into Max.

Yeah, it happens to me, too.

What? Look, Max is awesome.

And the fact that he appears to you as a date or to me as an imaginary shirtless

buddy who gives great advice is totally normal.

Okay, let me say words and you just... I have to move on from him and clearly I

can't because I miss him and that freaking sucks.

Penn, you are a strong, independent woman. You don't need a man to... I know

all that.

I do.

But Max is still in here and in here.

I'm in here. I get it.

I blame that stupid census guy coming in and reminding me that I'm single. I had

to check a box so the government knows that I'm alone.

That's aggressive.

Actually, the census kind of messed with my head a bit, too.

Really?

Yeah, and that's why I got news.

I asked Avery to move in with me, and she said yes!

Really? Yeah!

That's huge!

I know!

Oh, God, seriously.

I am so happy for you. Thank you. Well, you know, I found the perfect person,

and I don't want to blow it.

Do you think I blew it with Max?

Oh, yeah, totally.

Schneider! Sorry, I'm sorry, but, hey, maybe it's not too late.

At Victor's wedding, Max wouldn't stop talking about you.

Why don't you, you know, check in with him?

How?

I'm not just going to text him, you up.

Nah, he doesn't respond to that.

I gotta admit, when I drive past the hospital he works at, I am always

tempted to pull in and say hi.

So pull in.

Say hi. See what happens.

Thank you, Schneider.

Hey, my job as your best friend is to hold up a mirror.

And take care of those eyebrows.

There's your forehead.

Shut up.

Oh, damn.

I missed you as soon as you left. Me too. The moment I walked out the door, I

felt an ache in the bowels of my bowels.

Okay, let's wrap up the sexy talk.

What were we thinking?

I don't know.

I guess we were trying to do the mature thing.

Why?

You're not mature.

You're two teenagers who spent last week discussing whether some Star Trek lady

is gay or not.

Seven of nine is gay.

No, no, no. All of the Borg are non-binary.

Except their programming, which is binary code.

You will be assimilated.

Can you boldly go somewhere else?

high school couples make it through college.

Are we just fooling ourselves?

We don't want to be those people.

You know what?

Screw it.

Let's be those people.

And I'm going to be this person.

Ambulance pulling in. Oh, great.

Excuse me. Are you expecting any more horrible medical emergencies? I was

hoping to see my ex.

I hear that, sister.

No, I'm sorry. I'm looking for an EMT.

Max?

Yes? Yeah.

He doesn't work here anymore.

Oh. He took a job working for some Doctors Without Borders group in

Indonesia.

Lucky cholera victims.

Anyway, he left a couple months ago. Sorry.

Thank you.

One of the nurses made a max of the month calendar if you want a copy.

It was me.

Listen, Mom, you're a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a

man. Yep, got it. I agree.

But it's okay for me to admit that I can still be a feminist badass and want a

boyfriend.

Yeah, that is okay.

And I hope you do find someone, because I'm so happy and I want that for you.

Mom, today made me appreciate how hard relationships can be.

More importantly, how annoying.

But don't worry.

Nora and I are not going to be like that.

Who's Nora?

Oh, I have a girlfriend.

What?